When last we left old Kalinda, she was sitting in a chair waiting for some kind of ninja attack -- and when it comes, it comes hard. The ex-husband's flack shows up with a gun and all kinds of menace to spare, but not really a plan per se as far as I can tell, so of course Kalinda grabs a handy giant hammer from... somewhere... and smashes his hand into jelly, then kicks him in the nards over and over while chatting with her ex on the phone. Like, this is the first thing that happens in Season 4 of The Good Wife.
Not to be deterred, ex-husband Nick sets up a situation at Lockhart/Gardner intended to bring Kalinda in to vet possible business partners for his tow-truck venture. They have a ninja fight in the elevator that proceeds, Family Guy/Giant Chicken style, out into the parking garage and down the street and thence to bed. Kalinda shows up day sporting all kinds of kinky sex bruises, dude's not going anywhere and they are both total maniacs and it's going to be awesome.
Will's suspension ends, finally, at the end of the episode -- but not before he and Diane are pitted against each other by the firm's new trustee, Nathan Lane, in a sort of sketched-out tease that is not even a tease really, because Will and Diane would never even entertain the idea of turning on each other. Because of the balloon payment deal and the sundry financial problems we're always hearing about, they're involved in some kind of debt recovery plan that involves having him there. Like a brownie or hobgoblin or fairy sprinkling money-saving tips everywhere. On the one hand, he scares David Lee into staying with the firm -- fairly amazing to see -- and on the other, notifies the partners that they'll be laying off 30 percent of their employees in the near future.
Before she was attacked by various inanimate pieces of the enraged set, like the victim of a television poltergeist, Kristin Chenoweth managed to turn in a couple of cute scenes as a reporter of some kind, digging into the truth about Peter and Alicia's relationship and whether or not they are faking their "mending fences" stance in order to help with his gubernatorial campaign. Given that neither Peter nor Alicia have any idea about this either, she is somewhat stymied in her investigation, but of course all she really exists to do is force Alicia to make that face she always makes about Peter and whether or not they're even in love or what the heck is going on.
The bulk of the episode does tie them together, though, after Zach's pulled over in an adjacent county's "forfeiture corridor," which is your basic speed trap/police revenue stream, but about which apparently State's Attorneys are aware. Alicia inspires her kids to some serious civics-minded shenanigans, figures out the whole fake deal, wonders if this has to do with Mike Kresteva, threatens the cops and eventually the entire legal system of Madison County and gets Peter to threaten the cop and SA involved (while swearing she wants him to do the opposite). There is a lot of campaign-related grandstanding, but in the end, it's Zach's viral video -- which he assembled using ChumHum for his search engine! -- manages to put the whole corrupt business on shout. High on Alicia's rarely offered approval, Zach celebrates with some masturbating to internet porn. The whole thing is actually super adorable.
An oddly structured and fairly low-key* episode, for this show, but the hour after all did fly by, and it's nice to finally see what the Nick fuss is all about. Still sucks that Kalinda's entire reason for sleeping with Peter and lying to Alicia, etc., is now ironically invalid -- but even just a few minutes with Nick's feral, sexy awfulness goes pretty far toward explaining how her life got to be as weird as it is. Or how Blake Calamar even, like, happened.
*(Mixed Martial Arts Kalinda fight scenes, of which there were several and some of which were naked and all of which involved a bunch of choking, notwithstanding.)
Week: More details on the terrifying sea creature that is Kalinda's marriage, Zach possibly learns about hubris, somebody unafraid of curses presumably takes over Kristin Chenoweth's role as the Rita Skeeter of the Florrick marriage, not to mention Maura Tierney as some kind of nutty millionaire and James Urbaniak as who cares who he's even playing, it's James Urbaniak.
PREVIOUSLY
After a few deeply troubling run-ins with Mike Kristeva, and a last-minute showdown with her mother-in-law that left them feeling more like a team than they have in ages, Alicia has committed to the idea of pretending (or not) to reconcile (or not) with her husband Peter, the State's Atty and future Governor of Illinois.
Lockhart/Gardner is in yet another financial downward spiral -- thanks to a balloon payment, Will's Grand Jury sidelining, and the continual bullshit of Eli and David Lee -- because this show really is nothing without each season's arc of watching Diane Lockhart hold that mother together with her teeth.
Kalinda made a last-second decision to stand her ground after getting all her fast-escape gear together, and ended last season sitting in a chair with a gun pointed at her door, meditating to build up her ninja powers and assorted other magicks.
KALINDA
Knock-knock.
Kalinda: "Fine, the door's open. Come in and let us begin the dance of death."
Flunky: "Can I turn on the light in here? Unoccupied, gorgeous hacker apartments freak me out."
Kalinda: "You may not. But you may tell my husband to fuck off."
Flunky: "It's not about the money you stole from him. He just misses you. All the way from Canada. With a sweet and tender yearning."
Kalinda: "I don't believe that for a second. If you'd said he misses choking me in bed, maybe, but not that."
There is some troubling etiquette now, as Kalinda tells him to kneel on the floor so that she can check him for weaponry, and he says it's just a phone, and she says it's not just a phone and threatens to shoot him. You think she's just totally paranoid until she reaches into his pocket for the "phone" and actually does come out with a cartoonishly gigantic, shiny pistol. Moral of the story: Always trust Kalinda. When she's at her most paranoid is also when she's at her most correct.
I don't know if I'm getting this across, but this is easily the scariest thing that has ever happened on this show, which is already one of the most suspenseful shows of all time. It's just usually the suspense is about adding addenda to motions or whether or not a swarm of flies is going to come flying out of Wendy Scott-Carr's mouth in an unceasing unholy shriek. With the exception of stupid Blake Calamar, actual violence is never really something you have to be concerned about -- and this scene goes on longer and scarier than anything with him ever did.
Kalinda: "Hey, why were you harassing my best friend?"
Bill, is his name: "She called us, because of your tax issues. No foul."
Kalinda: "No, but why did you call her at home?"
Bill has no answer for that, for the same reason his phone turned out to be a gun, but luckily -- for him, in a few limited ways -- the phone rings: It's Nick. Before he can answer, Kalinda kicks the shit out of Bill, pulls a giant hammer out of some kind of Ramona Flowers extradimensional hammer pocket, and crushes his fingers into a soft jelly.
Kalinda: "Bill can't come to the phone right now. I have smashed him to bits."
Nick, silently: "Please stop beating up on my Bill and come home, my dearest love."
Kalinda: "There are easy ways to get this across than beating hell out of your Bill, but just so we're clear, I am just not that into you. Forget about me and find somebody else to choke in bed."
Nick, silently: "I'm afraid I cannot do that, Kalinda."
Kalinda, kicking Bill some more: "This is so awkward!"
After all that's left is a pile of pieces of Bill, Kalinda hangs up on the silent Nick and heads for the door.
Bill: "If you run again, he'll just find you again."
Kalinda: "Duh, Bill. Just... Duh."
THESE KIDS TODAY WITH THEIR CHICKEN MUSIC
With Alicia asleep in the backseat, Zach is driving home to Chicago from checking out colleges. He and Grace have selected a "Crazy Chicken" type song for the drive that makes your eyes bleed -- imagine the theme song from The Mindy Project, but sung by Gonzo's chickens -- and I'd imagine somewhere inside there, Alicia's happy to be missing it. Or else dreaming about being attacked by a thousand obnoxious chickens.
This was previously Uncle Owen's car, which Alicia bought Zach after some good deed or another. Or maybe as a bribe? I remember there being something very Florrick Morality about the circumstances, like, "I'm not buying you this car for slapping your bitch grandmother in the face, but the facts remain that 1) you slapped your grandmother in the face and 2) you now have a car."
Anyway, a recognizable actor playing a cop guy pulls them over, causing Alicia to stare around blearily for a moment before getting her game face on. While everybody is very well-behaved, like you should be with cops, Zach and Alicia are both smart enough to try and get, ya know, a reason for the stop. Several times. He just puts them off with a bureaucratic air, and pulls Zach out for a private conference. Grace, of course, is no help at all, but she and Alicia do a quick rundown of all the things that could be going on. They come up with nothing in particular.
Walking the line to come off as neither hysterical mother nor hypervigilant liberal -- women are already irrational, sometimes you have to show your work -- Alicia has to measure the situation that's happening as well as the possible legal battles that may arise from this, and being recorded. (Gosh, what does Alicia Florrick's pokerface look like? Uh, every episode of this show.) But it doesn't matter what she says, and she gets that vibe right away, because the cop is running through a script he made up for himself -- which inadvertently provides the first clue to its resolution:
Officer Robb: "...This roadway is a speed trap and easy pickins for drugs and drug money, so I just like to stop people and fuck with them in the hopes of getting my governmental masters a hefty payday which results in kickbacks for myself. So anyway, your son seemed a bit worried when I was talking to him just now..."
Alicia: "Uh, yeah. 17-year-old boys are scared of cops. Because everybody is scared of cops. Particularly when they've been pulled over for no reason at all."
Officer Robb: "You're probably right, but just to ignore the fact that your mouth is open and words are coming out of it, I'd like to just run my K-9 around the car so I can manufacture a false positive for drug paraphernalia."
Grace: "It's like a police state!"
Everybody: "Shut up, Grace."
Zach: "Just drop Dad's name."
Alicia: "Now, why on earth would I do that? I mean, I want you to explicitly explain your reasoning for that, because this is a teachable moment."
Zach: "Uh, this douche broke the rules first? He's using the law against us, for no reason I can see, so I think we can agree that use of the Florrick name is no longer beneath us."
Alicia: "First of all, this isn't Cook County, it's Madison County. And secondly, we don't use Dad's name. We use the Law."
(Chills.)
Alicia: "Hey, Cary? I just painted myself into a corner about throwing my husband's name around, so can you do some of my dirty work for me? Can you get this jerk's onboard camera?"
Kids: "Yeah! Let's fuck him up! Get him fired!"
Alicia, absolutely loving it: "Now, now."
Cary: "Also, Eli called and yipped for awhile about you missing some kind of interview?"
Alicia: "Must be ... any episode of this show. I'll call him. Since we're probably going to be here awhile, on the side of the road in my gorgeous teal suit, getting dogged by the Man."
LOCKHART/GARDNER
To keep the Altman thing going, Cary happens to be bringing Diane some docs to sign while that conversation is going, so now we're in a partner meeting with David Lee.
David Lee: "I'm not upset! Do I sound upset?"
Diane: "You always sound upset, also you're threatening to sue the firm."
David Lee: "It's not a threat, it's just something I'm going to do. I'm quitting and filing suit."
L/G: "To remind you of what is going on, this balloon payment came due at the exact moment we lost our top client, we're in the worst recession..."
David Lee: "At the risk of being insensitive, because I am David Lee, get over the recession and just own your bankruptcy. No amount of soothing Will and Diane time is going to stop me from acting out."
Cary leaves the scene, so we can get a walking vista of various lawyers packing up boxes and setting shit on fire and stealing copiers and whatever. And things have not yet gotten bad, note.
THE STOP
Alicia hits pause on Eli and turns the sassiest face to Officer Robb.
Alicia: "-- What."
Robb: "I got a false positive and I want to search the car, but I'm giving Zach one last chance to come clean. About, say, a small personal stash."
Alicia: "Yeah, don't daddy my kid in front of me, it's fucking gross. If you're gonna search the car then just do it. Pig."
PEGGY V PETER
The conversation Altmans over to Eli, whining about how Alicia is going to be late for her meeting with Kristin Chenoweth, who isn't even going to be on the show for more than a second so it really doesn't matter. Alicia is not interested in telling him about the kid's possible arrest in progress, because that would be an Eli shitshow, so she just tells him to take a chill pill, and we gently segue.
Eli: "Kristin Chenoweth! Why are you showing Peter viral videos on the internet?"
K-Chen: "I'm just showing him a campaign ad, it's not an ambush."
Eli: "Mike Kresteva is so fucking evil that just watching this probably means we'll see The Ring in seven days, but by all means."
The video is crass, of course: "Value Voter" dog whistles about Peter's illicit mistakes mixed with Mike's cancer-ridden kid talking about what a great dad and non-whorefucker his papa is, and how Peter Florrick gives little kids cancer, whatever.
K-Chen: "So would you say this is about family values?"
Peter: "This is about the GOP having the privilege of lying about anything they want in order to create the most manipulative possible narrative. A privilege we deny ourselves, on the Left, for the same reason people vote Republican in the first place: Everybody wants to feel like they're a good person. The only difference is how you get there. I happen to think his way is the wrong way."
K-Chen: "Yeah, but it works. So I have to ask the questions. Questions like, 'How's your marriage?'"
Peter: "Working on it. Listen, none of this matters. I'm still focusing on the primaries. Should I win the Democratic nomination, you can ask me all you want about Kresteva and his um, attempts to redefine himself as a family man."
K-Chen: "Ooh, girl! Meow!"
Peter: "In four months you can ask me about the meow."
K-Chen: "I won't be here in four months, having been attacked by your entire set and sent home with a concussion and a newfound fear of network dramas, but I'm sure somebody will. Good hang."
STOP
Robb: "I didn't find any real drugs in the car, but I did find imaginary made-up drugs in the car."
Zach: "Fuck every single part of th..."
Alicia: "Sshh. So we're good here?"
Robb: "Sure, here's a ticket and a warning and a... Son, is that a recording device?"
Zach: "It is an iPhone."
Robb: "Set to record, Son?"
Zach, before she can stop him: "You bet your ass."
Seems recording an officer is a felony, Son, under Illinois statute blah-blah, but they make sure to have Alicia question this and the officer responding knowledgeably so that later when we find out the archaisms in this particular law it'll be easier to gloss over.
Grace: "Wait, so it's illegal to record you doing something illegal?"
Robb: "Shut up, Grace. Son, erase that recording or I'm stealing your phone."
Zach: "Mom, this is so wrong..."
Alicia: "I know, honey. But just do it."
Zach presses a button; it looks like erasing but it sounds swooshily like emailing. Alicia's split-second grin fights and loses to her jaw-dropped shock that he just did that. Robb freaks the fuck out.
Alicia: "Um, that was the mistake of a flustered tee..."
Zach: "-- It absolutely was not. Eat my entire ass, Officer."
THAT'S MY BOY
Diane: "The bad news, Your Honor, is that L/G is somehow now in debt like sixty million dollars. We lost a major client, we've got random late receivables, and our lease has increased exponentially. None of which were foreseen but which interact in a particularly unlucky way. If we can get immediate relief from our creditors, we say it'll take five months to satisfy the debt."
Meanwhile, Alicia joins Cary and they whisper like besties. One thing I love about this season is that -- even though it came down during a cliffhanger -- you still get the softened-up relationships with Cary and Kalinda. As if to say, "Not that we'd drop that stuff entirely, but we realize you could use a break and therefore Cary will be cool for a while and Alicia's going to be nice to Kalinda for a while."
Alicia: "My son is an alleged felon!"
Cary: "OMG, why?"
Alicia: "Cop said there was 'marijuana shake' in the car. I'm Alicia Florrick so I don't even know what that means. Except 4-15 years."
Cary: "It means nothing. That's what cops say when they don't find anything. Hey, why does it say 'eavesdropping' on this notice to appear?"
Alicia: "You know how technology? Something about that. He emailed an e-technology from his i-technology."
Judge: "How come Will's behind that little gate, Diane?"
Will, behind that little gate: "Because Wendy Scott-Carr is a crazy person, Your Honor. But my six-week suspension ends this week, and I'm happy to say over the duration that I didn't once fall into any gambling or other addictions, bribe any judges, or sleep with Dr. Cuddy."
Alicia: "Could you talk to your friends at Madison County and get this cop's record? I bet he's dirty. I bet he's a dirty cop..."
Cary: "They're not actually going to pursue this, Alicia. Chill. He was just making a point to a kid..."
Alicia: "It's on his record, he's looking at colleges..."
Cary: "-- Wow, this is like the closest I've ever seen you to freaking out."
Alicia: "You were once a wealthy white kid too, Cary. You still are. You know how important a good education is to maintaining our privileged status quo."
Cary: "Good point. I'll check into it."
Judge: "Besides Breakfast in Collinsville, the other timely reference in this episode is to the Dewey & LeBoeuf bankruptcy. We've apparently started name-checking these inspirations so you know what to Google in order to understand the episode. Therefore, I am comparing L/G's management to that high-profile recent case and therefore saying that management and compensation are the problems here."
Diane: "Your Honor, we are management. You're looking at us."
Judge: "Yeah, I know."
L/G
L/G: "So I guess we'll get the partners together and they'll throw their usual riot and... Oh, crap. New client guy. Well, just because we're flipping out and he's deeply unsavory doesn't mean we can't use the business."
L/G: "Cary and Alicia, please go talk to the British creep in there and see what he wants. Besides to choke Kalinda in bed."
SAVARESE
Nick: "I own a towtruck company, among various unsavory dangerous businesses, and -- hey, why aren't the partners the ones talking to me? I've very important. I have a British accent, for God's sake."
Alicia: "Don't worry about it, you."
Nick: "Um, okay. So I am trying to get my trucks running in Chicago -- I'm stalking a person to sex-murder her, you see -- and the city won't let me bid on this RFP..."
Alicia: "How come?"
Nick: "I am a serial killer and gun-runner and sex-murderer. Don't worry about it."
Alicia: "I would caution you not to tell us those things."
Nick: "Exactly. Anyway..."
(Eli knocks on the window, K-Chen in tow.)
Alicia: "Ugh. Anyway, you were saying?"
Nick: "So I need you to vet me a partner for the bid. They'll be like middlemen. You know, corruption running rampant, lying to officials, et cetera."
Cary, chasing her down: "Alicia? Alicia, um, how is any of this legal?"
Alicia: "Grow up, Agos. We'll protect the firm by ignoring our total creep vibes."
Cary: "Is this because the firm is going down in a fiery explosion?"
Alicia: "Sweetie, that's literally the only reason I'm being this shady."
Cary: "Sorry, I'm still thinking like an SA. Funny how my ethics were actually strengthened working with your totally corrupt husband, and now you're the one leading me off the primrose path."
Alicia: "Don't let the name of the show fool you, as CBS would say. Listen, between Kresteva and now this stupid cop, I'm pretty much a nihilist right now."
PEGGY V ALICIA
Q: "And how long have you and your husband been separated?"
A: "About a year."
Q: "So you were separated, when you stood beside him for his gubernatorial announcement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And you didn't find this hypocritical?"
A: "No."
Q: "You seem to prefer one-word answers."
A: "Yes."
(Translation: "No. Ya bitch.")
Q: "Are you really mending fences?"
A: "Sure."
Q: "Go on?"
A: "Look. My husband slept with prostitutes, which made our marriage difficult..."
Eli folds in himself, rolling his eyes and hugging himself tight.
A: "...But we have kids, one of them is pretty awesome, and he apologized for his wrongdoings, and I took a couple seasons to consider his apology. We were separated for that time, except for the occasional bout of public cunnilingus or Will-surrogate boning."
Q: "So but now you're together?"
A: "I said we were mending fences, you moron."
Q: "Do you live in his house?"
A: "I have my own apartment, but I also sometimes stay at his house."
Q: "In the same room?"
A: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Eli begins interjecting quiet hoot-laughs, sort of hysterically but also in a very British, "aren't we all compatriots having quite a diverting afternoon" way.
A: "See, my life is my business..."
Q: "But you've made your life public, haven't you?"
A: "No, my husband has."
Q: "Okay, why do you stay with him? Why not get a divorce? Plenty of wronged women throw their shoes over the wall eventually."
A: "I don't feel like it, Kristin Chenoweth!"
Q: "Isn't that setting a bad example to women everywhere, to be such a doormat?"
Eli: "Kristin Chenoweth! Jesus God!"
Q: "New viewers need to be caught up, Eli. These are the questions asked by everybody who doesn't watch the show."
Alicia: "I like my husband. I respect him. He's flawed, but I've grown to accept that. And I committed to a marriage. I don't like breaking commitments."
Q: "Isn't that dragging women back to the Fifties? Women have all the obligation, men have all the freedom?"
Alicia: "I don't give a shit. This isn't about women, and it's not about the Fifties. This is about me."
Word! Not only for the Citizen Ruth aspect, but also for the worn-out social conscience bullshit of getting offended on behalf of hypothetical people. The very essence of privilege is worrying about people that may or may not exist. Fuck sending the wrong message to women: If they were worthwhile in the first place they wouldn't be basing their marriage decisions on the wife of some gubernatorial candidate in the first place.
This is the grotesque extrapolation of Boomer narcissism at its finest: The Political Is Personal, because every decision you make -- as a wealthy white feminist -- absolutely shakes the world, and therefore you should make sure that all these invisible, imaginary people -- who aren't as smart and special as you -- have a good role model? Gross me out. Get humble. I am sick to death of being hung out to dry for hypothetical people, but more than that I'm sick of the idea that denying people their agency is the moral thing to do. Who are these doomed, idiot women we're protecting? They don't exist. And even if they did, fuck 'em. Second-guessing my shit wouldn't help them at all anyway. It's just not a valid factor in the decision-making process.
FLORRICK OFC
Alicia's watching the onboard camera from Robb's car when Eli comes to yell at her for rightfully telling K-Chen to fuck off. She barely looks up; it's one of the best scenes in the episode.
Eli: "You know how you're not supposed to shop when you're hungry? Well, it's just as important not to do interviews when you're pissed."
Alicia: "Pssh. I wasn't pissed, Eli. But if you don't want me doing interviews..."
Eli: "What I want is for you to stay on message! Kresteva is making this all about family."
Alicia: "Fine. What's the 'message' about our separation you've been in denial about this entire time?"
Eli: "...Hmm. I have no idea. I guess I'll have to stop flailing around for a second. Oh, and I need you to address some group or another Thursd..."
Alicia, tenderly but distractedly: "I work, Eli."
Eli: "Fine, I'll throw a fit at Will and Diane."
Alicia: "No, I want to work, Eli."
Eli: "Fine, but we're getting together with Peter tomorrow night so I can spin your ambivalence and hopefully manipulate you into being back in love."
Alicia: "Sounds great, lady."
Kalinda stares into space most of the day, these days.
Alicia: "Kalinda. You have a dog-trainer friend, right?"
Kalinda: "You really don't know much about the lesbian community, do you?"
PARTNERS
The partners are, of course, rioting. But not about the future, or this marvelous thing that Lockhart and Gardner have built that supplies them with compensation and benefits and bonuses, no. Just about being their whiny bitchy entitled lawyer selves, like usual.
L/G: "Anyway, we didn't get liquidated and you'll still get paid and work on cases. Everything else, shut up about it for now. They've assigned us a trustee, who'll vet new cases and look at ways to save money..."
Rioters: "So he can veto you?"
Diane: "In theory, but have you met me?"
Trustee: "Scuse me."
Rioters: "But you've answered all our questions! And we still need to act out!"
Trustee: "Scuse me."
L/G: "I'm guessing he's a nice guy, anyway. He's probably tops."
Trustee: "Hello? It's me, Nathan Lane. Your trustee?"
L/G: "Normal Nathan Lane, or beyond-obnoxious Rip Taylor Nathan Lane?"
Clarke Hayden: "Actually, I'm toning it down a great deal because I'm grateful for the opportunity to demonstrate I'm still occasionally a talented actor, and not just an outdated and offensive cartoon about gay people that was old twenty years ago."
L/G: "See, guys? Nothing to worry about. Even toned down, he's still pretty adorable."
THE TRUSTEE
Hayden: "The paintings everywhere, leased?"
Diane: "No, we own them. I go to galleries and get hit on by bounty hunters, like, all the time."
Will: "And also, our clients are rich as hell. We need to look swank or else they'll think we're in $60M debt or something."
Hayden: "But the office furniture is leased?"
Will: "Um, is this where we lose all our furniture and it's just yoga balls and iPads? If I wanted to work at Google I'd have been born twenty years later."
Hayden: "No, I'm just trying to scare you, basically. And distract you from randomly mentioning that we're going to end up firing, say, everybody. Oh, this red painting is nice."
Diane: "It's from my personal collection. Don't touch it. Don't even look at it."
Hayden wanders off into the firm, like the tiny magical creature that he is, and they just stare.
Will: "So have we hit bottom yet?"
Diane: "No, girl. No we have not."
HOME
To a Vampire Weekend-y song we'll hear again at the end of the episode, we see a long montage of Zach using ChumHum (!) to network with other people whose rights have been brought into question, and learn about what those rights are, and... This show has a good, strong heart, and it's the best, but for out-and-out Good Works, I really like this. Just the little reminder to whoever is watching the show on CBS that you have rights and that you kind of need to know what they are, and that you can fight the Man, and all these things.
Any time you get the opportunity to remind a person that they have free access -- for the first time in history -- to the sum total of human knowledge, you should take it. It's a muscle we're still in the infancy of developing, so it's important to keep mindful.
Zach: "Hey Mom, did you know you can videotape a cop, just not audiotape them?"
Alicia: "Did they teach that at school?"
Zach: "Um, no. It's kind of been on my mind ever since I videotaped that cop? Where's your head at? Anyway, it's this old law about taping phone calls -- both parties having to consent to the recording -- that hasn't caught up to our current reality."
Alicia: "I see that you found this on a website about legalizing marijuana."
Zach: "No, it's a website about personal rights which, unsurprisingly, mentions legalizing marijuana. See the difference?"
Alicia: "No, because I'm old, but go on."
Zach: "So check this out. The email that I sent myself, that caused my arrest? I'd bluetoothed my phone to the car and forgot to change it back. So what we have is a tape of the arrest, with just that awful chicken song playing."
Oh, the beautiful smile of Alicia Florrick. How rarely we do see you.
CUT STRAIGHT TO
Judge: "Can you please turn that fucking song off? It's worse than the Mindy Project theme."
Alicia: "I know, right? And Zach's the one with good taste. Anyway, my kid never recorded audio, which means there was no violation of Article 14, so we ask the court to enter a finding of no probable cause."
Judge: "Sounds good to me. ASA Williams?"
The SA for Madison County, Phil Tapia, comes running in and supplies another ASA.
Altman: "Sorry to take over this trial and totally change everything around, but we've just randomly decided to argue that the problem here was never Article 14 but obstruction of justice."
Alicia: "Do you guys know how the law even basically works? That wasn't the charge. It's not what this trial was made for."
Altman: "Okay, but say we want to file an additional charge and you can drop the first one..."
Alicia: "Your Honor, give a sister a break, this is ridiculous. The only one obstructing justice is Officer Robb, with his illegal traffic stop in the first fuckin'..."
Altman: "Unlike in Cook County, the backwoods don't like that kinda talk."
Judge: "No, we don't. Alicia, can you back up what you just said?"
Alicia: "I can totally prove whatever I just yelled. Have you seen this show?"
Judge: "Cool. So we'll talk about obstruction of justice after we make a call about this traffic stop."
Outside, Alicia grabs Peter's equivalent, SA Phil Tapia, to rough him up some more.
Alicia: "This is about my husband, right? You're going after him somehow."
Tapia: "Lady, I don't even know who you are. And I don't 'go after' people. But you should tell your husband, State's Attorney and gubernatorial hopeful Peter Florrick, that the police love their pensions and that I will destroy him using his son."
Zach: "Wait, so am I in trouble or what? That dude was talking crazy."
Alicia: "So help me, Zach, when I'm done with him he won't be talking at all."
EXPERT
Dog Lady: "Dogs aren't like people. They don't need a lot of encouragement and hand-holding to do the thing that they do, because all they are is the thing that they do."
She demonstrates what it's like if you get real manic and do a lot of "here boy!" and "do you smell drugs, boy?" and all the things Robb was doing. Petey, her dog, becomes convinced with not much prompting that Alicia is keeping her dank stash in a filebox on the conference room floor.
Dog Lady: "I just found probable cause to search through your filebox."
Alicia: "Okay, what about this video here where that horrible tall cop guy did that?"
Dog Lady: "Yeah, that's the thing I was doing before. You know what this video needs, though, is chicken music."
Later on, Kalinda's sexual gravity pulls in the dog trainer lady, because after all, she is a person.
Dog Lady: "Even my dogs miss you. Even them."
Kalinda: "Dogs look at me funny. Like they know I'm a wild thing..."
Dog Lady: "Hey, you're looking kind of wild right now. What's happening?"
Kalinda: "My ex-husband just walked into this office, even though I faked my own death and beat up his dude and even asked him politely to stop sex-murdering me all over the continent of North America. I have to go now."
SAVARESE
Cary: "I have two beautiful pictures before me. They are both stable businessmen, with good credit and good prospects. One of them, though, is a better candidate for your scheme to convince the government that you are not as sketchy as you look. Can you guess which?"
Nick: "The black one?"
Alicia: "Yeah. The black one. And you can lose the judgmental tone."
Nick: "Who vetted, or investigated, these folks for you?"
Alicia: "Our investigator."
Nick: "Can I have a few words with 'him'? Misgendering her makes it seem like I don't know her/have never choked her in bed."
Somebody in the Hallway: "Kalinda? She checked right the fuck out, my friend. I never saw a girl move that fast -- and I mean, in those boots even."
Alicia: "Sorry, she's stepped away. You'll have to sex-murder her later. Also, we know everything she told us, so we can tell you what she told us. That's how basic shit works."
Nick: "No, I want it straight from the kinky sex-bruise horse's mouth. Let's set another appointment. After all, you pauper bloodsuckers are always looking to bill hours, right?"
THE ELEVATOR
Kalinda steps onto the elevator with Nick, swallows like she's scared or something, then punches him in the throat. They get very rowdy in their horseplay, which continues down into the parking garage level. (Sadly, the car does not make any stops on the way down, because I guess that would have just been funny, instead of mainly gross to watch.) He steps out of the elevator car, gives her a c'mere gesture like Neo or The Bride, and she jumps on him out of the elevator. Rowdiness, more of it. Then he just chokes her against a concrete pylon and they chill for a while. I guess being totally gross is tiring for people.
I'm withholding judgment on this for now. I just... When you follow the kink trail down the rabbit hole, you hardly ever come out looking great. I know Dan Savage has us all convinced that sex comes in this array of constantly new flavors that don't mean anything, but I don't think it's that judgmental to point out that every behavior has a history and that everything that gets you off started somewhere. To question is not to condemn, and to explore is only to shame if you're already feeling weird about yourself.
Like I remember one time wondering aloud what the deal is with Quentin Tarantino and ladies' feet, a known thing, and got this very San Francisco outrage about it in response, like, "People just like feet! Deal with it!" And it's like, the only person implying shame in this conversation is you, with your weird sex shame paranoia. I just want to understand it better. Shutting down that conversation has become, somehow, the more progressive choice. Which I think is pretty awful, personally.
So for Kalinda to come up for air from this deadly relationship, only to be drawn back in by her own conflicting fifty shades of how-do-you-do, that seems very... It's a forfeiture of control that seems, at this very early date and for a formidable woman, a little iffy. Like I said, I have no idea where this is heading, but kinky bisexuals who don't know what's good for them and/or hate themselves and/or use sex for self-harm is something I don't have a lot of patience for, because that's the most boring part of that cliché. So we'll see. I trust this show.
TRUSTEE V DIANE
Hayden: "Soooo what does Will bring to the table?"
Diane: "What does W... Will? Will-Will? My partner? Uh, everything? What do you even mean?"
Hayden: "You know, I'm just doing my job here."
Diane: "He is the heart and soul of Litigation, for sta..."
Hayden: "-- Not for the last six months he isn't."
Diane: "Yeah, well, Wendy Scott-Carr is a horror. And his temporary absence is one of the main reasons we have you here now."
Hayden: "You talk about him like he's a trial lawyer, not a partner..."
Diane: "-- No sir. You're not getting me that way either. Will is essential to this firm. He puts the Gardner in Lockhart/Gardner."
Hayden: "Wouldn't it be better if only one person was deciding?"
Diane: "Oh, shut up."
HOME
Grace: "[Shut up, Grace.]"
Zach: "Mom, do you have that cop's other arrests?"
Alicia: "No, honey. The SA is freezing us out."
Zach: "Because I have some. I used the internet, got online and asked people if they..."
Alicia: "I don't want to hear about that, it's too confusing."
Zach: "Okay, well, here are their phone numbers and narratives."
Alicia: "Zach, you're like... Are you actually Kalinda?"
Zach: "I'll never tell."
One guy had his car impounded for having a joint in the ashtray; somebody else lost ten grand and never got it back, etc.
Alicia: "Ah. Forfeiture corridor. The PD makes money off of drug forfeitures by pulling over random out-of-town cars or whatever profiling, they check for drugs, impound their shit. Anyway, you are incredible. Good Kalindering."
BDRM
Eli tries to follow Peter into Alicia's bedroom when they arrive to pick up the kids, resulting in a fairly adorable Primary Colors James Carville scenario where Peter has to actually physically put him outside the door so they can talk.
Alicia: "I don't want the kids doing events, Peter."
Peter: "I'll talk to Eli. But Kresteva and his stupid cancer kid..."
Alicia: "No."
Peter: "Gotcha. So hey, do we live together, or...?"
Alicia: "That's none of your business."
Peter: "Okay, so we'll say we're working on it."
There was a moment, last season, when Grace went missing, and Kalinda and Alicia could have so easily fallen into this bluff-calling moment, and they didn't, and it was disappointing for the short-term fan feelings, but it worked out in the end. And so it is here:
Alicia: "Are we? Working on it?"
Peter: "We're not divorced, so..."
Alicia: "Okay. That's where I want it, so I'll back off. Oh hey, also our kid is a felon and you've pissed off the police."
Outside, Zach offers to help out with the campaign somehow, and Eli cuts him off without looking up from his BlackBerry with a firm "no." His fingers are a blur!
Alicia: "Just because the SA of Madison County is coming after us through our son, and is working with the corrupt policemen that are pushing back against us on this case, because it goes all the way up, and because you're a peer of this Phil Tapia but also kind of us superior... Just because all of these things are true certainly does not mean that you should go apeshit on this guy."
Peter: "Okay, so I will totally be going apeshit on this guy."
Alicia: "I vaguely wish you wouldn't."
L/G
Will: "What did the trustee say?"
Diane: "We're firing people, apparently."
Will: "And that's it?"
(They both start drinking.)
Diane: "No. He asked whether to drop you as a name partner. He wondered whether you were more important as a litigator, and whether I should make all the decisions..."
Will: "See, that's what I thought. Same here. He said I was the 'true litigator, and the firm has 'suffered' through your leadership over the last six months, and now it needs a man at the top..."
Diane, spitting: "The fuck he said that."
Will: "No, I just added that to piss you off."
Diane: "Well, mission accomplished."
L/G: "So how do we make $60M in five months? Without David Lee?"
SA VS SA
Peter calls Tapia and, within seconds, has threatened Phil's kid -- who attends the University of Chicago -- with all kinds of shadowy dangers. It does the trick, whatever matters, and he swings some pipe around ("I'm the State's Attorney of a county that actually matters, jackass!") but in the end, he gets Tapia -- while Eli stares, horrified -- to agree to drop the case, expunge the arrest, and have Robb call Zach with a personal apology. The last one, I don't know. That's a little petty. But I guess he has to make his point, since they're coming at him over his campaign platform in a weirdly personal way that he won't be fucked around with. Like maybe he will have to defeat each of the State's Attorneys in each of the counties of Illinois, one by one, until he has scared them all into following his orders on pain of death. Probably that's how it works.
Eli: "That is not how it works!"
Trustee: "Okay, but you're our creditor now..."
David Lee: "'Our' creditor?"
Trustee: "I talk like I'm the firm. It's a quirk, but a healthy one. In my opinion."
David Lee: "So yeah, as a 'creditor,' I'm owed a million for my capital contribution, my yearly draw is five percent, which means I'm owed about three mil."
Trustee: "From this bankrupt company, sure. So five cents on the dollar takes that down to a hundred fifty..."
David Lee: "Whoa, whoa! What? I'm a partner, first in first out."
Trustee: "No, that's true of partners -- but you're a creditor now."
David: "In name only! I put up a million dollar capital contribution!"
Trustee: "That is a true fact. Good day, David Lee."
David Lee: "...Wait! Eighty cents on the dollar!"
Trustee: "This isn't a negotiation. I'm like God right now, and you're getting five percent of your total. After we pay off the lease, the furniture, the bottled water delivery, whatever else. I don't like quitters, you rat."
David Lee: "I have been out-David Leed!"
ZACH
Alicia demonstrates Robb's false-positive techniques, reminding them that now they're back to looking at simply an illegal impounding of Zach's phone. Tapia can't talk fast enough to shut her down.
"This section of the interstate is a forfeiture corridor, a place where the police and the State's Attorney, Phil Tapia, make their money from the war on drugs by illegally impounding cars and cash. We have witnesses who haven't received their cars and cash back after stops by Officer Robb..."
Tapia tries to make this a thing about how snooty Mrs. Florrick lives in Cook County and doesn't know how hard it is for regular Americans or whatever, but she checks him hard:
"Then why are all these stops being made on the north-running side? My son checked these traffic stops resulting in drug searches. Over the last six months, 90 percent of them were made on the north-running side of the highway. But all the drugs are coming from the Canadian border -- down the south-running side..." Phil jumps up to get his ASA to stop her, but there is no stopping Alicia Florrick. Northbound or otherwise. "...And all the money made from these drug sales heads up the north. They're not trying to stop drugs, they're trying to confiscate the money made from these drug sales."
Everybody talks about how fucked up that is for a while, and they eventually stall out in a big way, asking for time to prepare for the obstruction charge, because Alicia has just thrown down on some really gross things about the way Madison County gets run.
FLORRICK BUS
Peter shakes a bunch of hands, and then Tapia comes running onto his bus to yell.
Tapia: "You send your wife against me? You think Cook County is above our problems? You came after my forfeiture corridor? We are coming after your son to the fullest extent of the law! You want to come after my corridor, I'll come after yours. My guess is your haul on I-94 is ten times what mine is. And I'm not the one running for Governor!"
Which is intriguing, because this is actually Alicia and Peter at cross-purposes if you think about it (or maybe it is obvious and I just didn't get it): Alicia could have scared them with mention of this corruption, or Peter could have scared them with his usual thuggish tactics, but because both of them did their things, in characteristic ways, it looks like a concerted political attack. The vagueness about their marriage is seeping in, and instead of being a hand you can play either way, it's now something that could burn you regardless of the circumstance.
L/G
David Lee walks into Diane's and Will's offices in turn, grinning like butter wouldn't melt, and with a certain beautiful grandiosity informs them that he's decided to grace them with his presence and loyalty. Will's like, "I don't know what the fuck that was, but I think maybe that Trustee is going to be okay."
Meanwhile: Sex bruises on Kalinda's wrists; also in her head. Alicia asks her about sitting in with Mr. Towtruck, at his repeated request, and she fugues out a couple of times before agreeing. The spaciness is so out of character that Alicia nearly forgets herself and acts concerned.
ZACH
Kalinda: "Oh, and good job with the viral video! That was some good Kalindering. Reminded me of Breakfast in Collinsville, that thing this episode is obviously about."
Alicia: "Oh, man. Time to remember how to use the internet."
The video's cute and pretty random and has that song from earlier playing as he explains all the many facts about Officer Robb, the Madison County Police Department, various corridor videos, and the whole sordid story. Separately Phil, Alicia and Eli watch the viewership for the video climb and climb and climb, and eventually Robb places a call to apologize to Zach, hatefully, and inform him the whole thing is over. Zach celebrates by firing up some porn, like any normal person would do at this juncture.
TRUSTEE
Diane: "First of all, Will stays."
Trustee: "Fine. Oh, and by the way you're firing 30 percent of your people."
Diane: "Aw, hell. Are you a demon sent here to besiege us?"
Trustee: "I get it. Your firm's been through a lot. You regularly employ shapeshifting assassins, people that live in fairy treehouses, people that own talking lions. You've never met a person that didn't have some creepy conspiracy going on with one of your people. Even IRS agents and random judges develop personal obsessions with your staff regularly. A normal, fair, even-handed guy is not something you've ever dealt with."
Diane: "Are you that?"
Trustee: "Mmmmmaybe."
LOCKHART/GARDNER
Diane cutely checks the time and goes scooting down the hallway to be with Will as the clock strikes midnight. They clink glasses of champagne, and she welcomes him back to the world.
A few seconds after midnight, Alicia arrives with a bottle of Veuve of her own, and sees them through the window. Mom and dad, together again. She puts down her bottle, softly, and sneaks away again into the night. This isn't about her. It never really was.
WEEK
Tune in at a random but definitely late hour, as Will flies too close to the sun on his first case back, millionaire PGOAT Maura Tierney involves herself in the Florrick equation, Alicia pulls some more PR rabbits out of her charisma hat, and Kalinda finds Nick sitting in her chair.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.