The People Who Judge

S03E21

In the middle of a Ponzi scheme trial, the judge -- Richard Cuesta -- is forced into the penalty box when he's accused of prosecutorial misconduct in a case from twenty years ago. Being a fan of the way Lockhart/Lyman dealt with Will's own suspension, he asks Diane and Alicia to represent him, but Diane's still angling for a litigator to replace Caitlin D'Arcy before they take on new business, so in the end it comes down to two possibilities: Alicia's very strong recommendation of Cary Agos, and -- when that's heavily protested by Will, because of the Wendy Thing -- that cokehead lady Will slept with last week.

Of course, Diane doesn't know that part, leading to a hilarious scene in which she must ask her former partner and the Platonic love of her life to stop fucking all their prospective new hires before she can interview them. Meanwhile, they're both using Howard Lyman as a tool of both whimsy and leverage, which makes Eli's ill-fated attempt to recruit him into the Gold/Cain attack on Will even more hilarious. In the end, Cary is hired -- yay! -- and Will continues his relationship with Cokehead Callie, while being forced to juggle Lyman's insane and bizarre demands as a sort of lighthearted recompense for ruining Will's life.

Kalinda gets a terrifying visit from Lamond Bishop, who was recently approached by FBI Lana and understandably bothered by that, being that he's a crimelord, and before you know it he's called a little meeting with Kalinda and Alicia and threatens Kalinda with death unless she solves her tax problems. A short visit to Lana yields no real results and a fair amount of fingerbanging, but in the end Alicia puts together a plan to stall Lana that works, at least for the moment, to keep her away from Bishop.

Oh, and Kalinda also meets the Kalinda of that era, a lovely woman with a definite Kalinda-ness to her, who runs a wine shop in Lincoln Park and instantly knows exactly what Kalinda is like on the inside. She gives her the usual case-winning Kalinda Klue, and gives her some parting advice: Get out now. It was the neatest, and somehow the saddest, scene in the whole thing.

Alicia's performance in the Cuesta case depends on her using a lot of the semi-dirty tricks she's been learning this year, and as come to be the usual way of things, she has no idea at the end whether or not her success is a good or a bad thing. This is especially ironic since the judge in the case (a special proceeding called a Court of Inquiry that we're never fully explained), played by Stephen Root, is adorably aw-shucks and doesn't stand on ceremony, preferring to treat witnesses like his personal guests that he just wants to chat with and get to the bottom of things. AKA, Alicia's dream judge, except for this week, where the details of the case keep forcing her to pull more and more defense attorney tricks out of her purse until even the judge on trial decides he wants to go to jail.

But on the other hand, it's the moral bendiness of this case -- a kind of Final Exam for Season Three Alicia -- that leads her to her best conclusion: After a quick talk with Cary, she runs into Kalinda and, without even really thinking all that much, pulls up a stool for her. It is on!

Week: I'm guessing Leela's husband shows up to kill us all, while Louis Canning teams up with Patti Nyholm's adorable new haircut to give us a glimpse of the horrors in wait for season. That's right, it's finale time! And may our girls never be parted again.

(Including Cary, of course.)

PREVIOUSLY

The inordinately unethical Mike Kresteva may as well have put on an opera cape and carried a fog machine with him places, as subtly as he declared his evil intentions toward Peter and -- by extension, but also specifically -- Alicia. But he was not the only villain in our world, no: Jackie Florrick threw down the gauntlet with a fake (?) stroke when Alicia finally got Peter to stand up to her. In other news, Eli was forced to choose Peter's campaign over Vanessa's, Kalinda and Alicia are talking again, Cary's time at the SA may be coming to an end, and Will slept with some yucky lawyer lady who's been suspended for her coke habit.

HON RICHARD CUESTA PRESIDING

Cary: "So all your life savings and everything, huh? Just gone? And who's to blame?"
Lady: "That man over there! The defendant!"
Alicia: "Uh, that calls for speculation. Just trying to keep the prosecutor honest."
Judge (and Cary, to be honest): "We like your spunk!"
Bailiff: "Here's a document of a weird thing you should know, Your Honor."

CHAMBERS

Judge: "Nice weather we're having. But I think it might rain."
Diane & Cary: "Yeah, totally. Weather."
Judge: "Soooo I'm declaring a mistrial."
Alicia, et. al.: "WHAT?"
Judge: "Shut up. I've been put in the penalty box, it has nothing to do with y'all or this trial, it is politics, and my life is over. Stop crying, Judy."
Court Reporter Judy: (Is unable to stop crying.)
Judge: "So you three can just keep smirking and head on out to gossip about me. Except Diane."
Cary: "But Your Honor..."
Judge: "It's not about that. Just get out. You too, Judy."

LOCKHART & CUESTA

Judge: "Ms. Lockhart, I need a lawyer."
Diane: "Civil or criminal?"
Judge: "Depends on how much God hates me, I guess."
Diane: "Tell me more."
Judge: "Will you take the case?"
Diane: "Judges are assholes. Sell me on it."
Judge: "I prosecuted a wife-killer that just got out on DNA, and the State's Attorney is investigating how I did things."
Diane: "Alicia is not going to intercede with the SA. You have no idea..."
Judge: "It's not about Alicia, it's about Will. I liked how he dealt with his own investigation, and I want your firm on it."

By Jacob Clifton

Diane: "I said after we got rid of Caitlin that I want a new litigator before we take on any more big messes."
Will: "But he's a judge!"
Diane: "And I will reiterate, judges are assholes. Plus, he'll have to recuse himself from further cases with us..."
Will: "But all the other judges will go back to thinking we can play ball and take care of them."
Diane: "Yeah, I know. That bugs me too in some ways."

Howard Lyman: "Is this the room where I change for a schvitz?"
Will: "No, this is a meeting of named partners for your law firm where you work."
Lyman: "Then I should be here!"
Will: "Agreed. Don't you think we should take a judge as a client?"
Lyman: "Sure, whatever."
Diane: "Fuckin'... Okay, then we also need to hire a new litigator, right?"
Lyman: "I'm cool with whatever."

Diane: "Alicia has suggested Cary Agos."

(!)

Lyman: "And who is 'Alicia'?"
Alicia: "Sitting right here, man. Anyway, demotion, white privilege, it's this whole thing. He's ready to make the jump."
Will: "But are we ready to get jumped?"

Uh, by Cary Agos? I am gonna go ahead and recuse myself from that conversation.

AGOS INTERVIEW

Will: "Absolutely nothing you say or how cute you say it is going to make me stop fuming."
Cary: "Are you sure? Because I'm only at like a six now."
Will: "Why are you leaving the SA?"
Cary: "My responsibilities have been curtailed and I want to pursue greater chall..."
Will: "-- Curtailed why?"
Cary: "Classified, bro. But trust me, Peter still loves me."
Diane: "Problem going up against your former boss?"
Cary: "Came after you with both barrels, didn't I?"
Diane: "Delightful!"

Cary: "Look. I've been sparkling and dimpling at you since I walked in here, and I'm getting nothing, so how about I just apologize."
Will: "For being part of the vicious Wendy Scott-Carr troika that caused me to go so insane I wrote a book? Were you aware my sisters visited? The scope of my indignity..."
Cary: "Not my call. And not something I ever supported."
Will: "I just really want to have a problem with this. As a non-practicing formerly named partner at this firm I only have so much weight to throw around."

By Jacob Clifton

Lyman: "Whom would you want to take with you on a desert island?"
Cary: "Who is this weird old man?"

HALLWAY

Alicia: "Soooo?"
Cary: "Went well, I think. Thank you for bringing me in and talking me up."
Alicia: "Frankly I was just getting lonely, and I needed a young gorgeous white person to kick around. But I'll say that you've become simply too formidable in court, and flatter you with my gigantic smile instead."
Cary: "Let me tell Peter, okay?"
Alicia: "Uh, won't be a problem."

INSIDE

Diane: "He knows the SA. He is a great lawyer. He's everything we need. And you owe me one for using that old fool against me."
Will: "I mean, conflict of interest."
Diane: "Conflicts of interest litter the floor of Lockhart/Lyman. Forget it."

Lyman: (Staring into space. Possibly suffering an attack of the Jackies, if you know what I mean.)
Will: "Howard? Are you feeling disabled?"
Lyman: "Is he gay? Who wants to take only boys to a desert island?"
Diane: "Thurgood Marshall and Keith Richards?"
Lyman: "Those are men's names. It just bothered me."
Diane & Will: "Holy moley."

Will: "Okay, so we keep looking but focus on Cary for now. Hey, is Cuesta coming in today? Because I'm meeting with Lemond Bishop."
Diane: "Chicago's top meth dealer sitting in the lobby to its top criminal judge. Huh."

The elevator door opens on Cuesta and Bishop standing side by side, playing with their phones... But is that awkward enough? Maybe Eli should get on board and have a fight with Peter Florrick or something...

Eli: "Hey, did you fire that kid? Cary Agos? I just saw him here at Lockhart/Lyman interviewing for a job."

...There we go. Now everything is terrible enough.

CUESTA/ROONEY

In grand defendant tradition tries arguing the facts of the case with Kalinda, when she's just trying to get answers. Twenty years ago, this guy Patrick Rooney didn't want kids so he insured his pregnant wife for some amount that was probably astronomical back then, went to the grocery store, and then when he got home "somebody" had stabbed her to death. Every single thing Kalinda tries to introduce into the conversation, he fights her on, because he has forgotten himself.

By Jacob Clifton

Diane: "Okay, stop fighting with everybody and let's keep reviewing."
Alicia: "Killer's hand got cut when he was stabbing her, which blood didn't get tested until his appeal last year..."
Judge, the whole time: "Blah blah blah..."
Diane: "Yeah, look. This isn't your courtroom. Stop talking over your attorneys and drop the entitlement shit."

He starts yelling about his career and everything and she cuts him dead: The facts are that this guy lost his wife and then spent twenty inside for her murder. Whether or not Cuesta is right about any of this, she explains, he's on the other side of the bench and he needs to demonstrate humility. I love it, because she's actually calling him out for his behavior, and in a very scary tone of voice, but then any objection he could raise she undercuts by reframing it as professional advice. It's so, so slick and so, so satisfying.

End result, they're calling a Court of Inquiry, which will be explained later I'm sure, and which will require a judge because Cuesta knows all the usual judges. Alicia gets called out by Will, for what may be an even more awkward meeting. When was the last time we saw Bishop? When his wife died mysteriously during their divorce? He's come up since then, but I think that was the last big time we saw him in the office.

BISHOP

Since Will has two months left on his suspension, he's brought Bishop in to reassure him that the team is still working: He runs through the various people from their departments, and last comes Alicia, who's his civil attorney. She is bright and friendly with him as usual, and gives the minimum amount of words also as usual.

Bishop: "Where's that little investigator?"
Will: "First of all, don't let her hear you say that. Secondly, she's in another meeting but we can snag her if you want."
Bishop: "I would like a quick word with Alicia and Kalinda alone, please."

CUESTA

Diane: "Anyway, backseat driving is to be expected of lawyers and judges. It's important to be firm and terrifying right up front."
Cuesta: "Oh, trust me. I will endeavor to behave. That was the scariest thing that ever happened to me, just now."
Alicia: "Kalinda, Bishop wants us."
Kalinda: "Aw, shit."

BISHOP

Bishop: "Will, you can leave now. Maybe because it's a legal problem, maybe because I'm going to threaten the lives of your coworkers, or maybe because we're planning your birthday party. Regardless, you can't be here."

By Jacob Clifton

Soooo Lana from the FBI paid Bishop a little visit. I can't believe I didn't see this one coming. Neither can Alicia or Kalinda. He is incredibly chilling, which usually he keeps pretty close to the vest, as he explains that Kalinda's tax problems are not his problems, and that she probably shouldn't be letting the FBI connect the dots to him. Alicia tries to step in a few times, but gets scary looks of her own from him. When he's created the sufficient amount of total dread in the room, he leaves.

Kalinda: "Well. That wasn't great."
Alicia: "Yeah. Your little FBI friend is going to get you literally murdered."
Kalinda: "I know, right?"

CUESTA

Kalinda: "They still haven't agreed which judge is going to fall on this grenade."
Prosecutor Seth: "Diane, Judge Cuesta. Well met."
Cuesta: "Who'd you piss off to get this job, Seth?"
Seth: "Volunteered, Your Honor."
Cuesta: "I'm going to be snotty about that, okay?"
Seth: "I stepped up, Your Honor. Justice must be served."
Diane: "Ugh. One of those."

Judge Murphy Wicks enters, played by Stephen Root, and of whom nobody in the room seems to have heard.

Wicks: "I'm new to this court! Hey! You can call me Murph, I'm from a small town in southern Illinois!"

OH BOY

Alicia: "You can't convict a prosecutor just for their choices. Kalinda says the judge is exactly what he seems to be, and..."
Diane: "Alicia, what do you think about Cokehead Callie? We might hire her instead of Cary."
Alicia: "Oh my God, every time I think my opinion matters you guys pull this shit. Fine, she's a good lawyer. I don't know how she'll fit in, but whatever. Like you care."

COKEHEAD CALLIE

Callie: "I was suspended for a year, overbilling issues. Due to my coke problem!"
Diane: "And then a couple years of rehab, and I still don't know that you slept with Will, so that's all fine. Why are you leaving your current firm?"
Callie: "Too corporate, too much backstabbing, you know, all the shit that doesn't go on here. Fiefdoms. But mostly, because you are a goddess."

No complaints. I'd want to work for her too.

Lyman: "Who would you take to a desert island?"
Callie: "Yo-Yo Ma, with cello, and Brad Pitt. For heterosexuality purposes."

By Jacob Clifton

Lyman: "I like her! I like how she didn't say gay stuff."
Diane: "Yeah, well, I am going to check her references, but duly noted."

Eli: "Hey, Howard! I'm going to talk to you like I really respect you. Let's chat."
Diane: "Man, they just never quit. I thought hiring that old dude would solve problems, but really, does anything ever solve problems?"

GARDNER BAD IDEA #

Doing it with Callie the day after her job interview.

Will: "Wait, you had a job interview at L/G?"
Callie: "Yeah, I assumed that was at least partly your doing. Huh, guess I impressed them last time we were in court. How legit!"
Will: "Yeah. I have to go? Forever."
Callie: "Why are you being so weird?"
Will: "Let's just say that was a pretty unmemorable time for it to be the last time I ever have sex. Because once Diane is through with me that will no longer be an option."

CUESTA

Being just a small-town judge without a lot of pretense, we quickly learn that Murph's style is more about figuring out what's up and less about trial posturing. Alicia raises some objections, normal ones, and he keeps shutting her down -- but then abruptly just ignores Seth's questioning in order to get to the heart of what he's trying to get the witness to say: Judge Cuesta's estranged daughter, Lynn, dated one of the jurors in the Rooney case for about a year. In that time, they discussed the case at length.

Because Alicia would love it if all trials were like this, just these cozy chats where you say what you want them to say and then they tell you the truth, she immediately gets comfy with Murph's Courtroom of Inquiry, and proceeds ahead in like manner: None of that means anything, because Lynn hates her father so much that she tried to change her name back in 1993. She wouldn't have aided the prosecution in that trial any more than she would have relayed information, because she hates the guy. No more questions, witness dismissed.

KALINDA

Shows up at Lana's house, shoves past her -- and her gun -- and then without much ado fingerbangs her up against a wall. And just when Lana's thinking this is that kind of movie, and being a gross closet case stalker might actually work occasionally, Kalinda... Bursts into actual tears.

Kalinda: "You're going to get me killed."
Lana: "What? What are you talking about?"
Kalinda: "Lamond Bishop. You talked to him, and now he's going to kill me."
Lana: "All I did was turn up the heat..."
Kalinda: "No. This is not theoretical, this is not about your job, this is not due diligence. This is about the fact that you have no idea what's going on here, and you're going to get me killed."
Lana: "Can't help you, sorry."
Kalinda: "Then consider this sex cancelled! On account of my impending death! You total ass."

Lana: "All I did was turn up the heat..."
Kalinda: "No. This is not theoretical, this is not about your job, this is not due diligence. This is about the fact that you have no idea what's going on here, and you're going to get me killed."
Lana: "Can't help you, sorry."
Kalinda: "Then consider this sex cancelled! On account of my impending death! You total ass."

STATE'S ATTY

Cary: "No news yet on Cuesta's replacement, but the case looks good."
Peter: "And you'll be here to see it through, will you?"
Cary: "Hope to be? What's going on?"
Peter: "Somebody blew your spot, son."
Cary: "It was a preliminary meeting, it means nothing, and I was going to tell you."
Peter: "When, exactly? When you'd ascertained a soft place to land?"
Cary: "It's been shitty here, sir."
Peter: "I know. But you couldn't talk to me about it?"
Cary: "Guess not?"
Peter: "Well, give your cases to Geneva and I'll give you a month's severance."
Cary: "Yeah, thanks. Hope they hire me then, huh?"

I'm sad it fell out like that, because I don't think Cary was being creepy at any given point, but it does add up to sneakiness, especially when you consider where he's maybe heading. But I would like to point out the one name that didn't enter that conversation a single time, even though there were about three times it would have made sense to mention her, which means Cary really has gotten savvy over the last year.

CUESTA

This totally gross guy was a cellmate of Rooney's, and -- again, with Murph making everything nice and easy and clear of legal anything -- he tells them that Cuesta paid him to testify to Rooney's in-jail confession, specifically in a conjugal visit that he says was totally worth it. Ugh. Alicia steps up and asks what he's getting paid this time, for testifying against Cuesta. Murph loves it... And the guy admits that Seth offered to speak at his parole hearing. Nice! Even Cuesta and Murphy are like, "That was awesome!"

LOCKHART & GARDNER

Diane: "Fuckin' what?"
Will: "We just started dating."
Diane: "Honey I don't want to overstep but maybe should keep your dick in your pants for like five seconds."
Will: "I wasn't at the interview! I didn't know you arranged it!"
Diane: "The only reason she was in here is because you blocked me on Cary. What am I supposed to do?"

Will: "She's a good lawyer."
Diane: "Sure, and Lyman liked her too. She wanted men on her desert island."
Will: "Let me figure something out."

Eli, outside: "See, Howard? They don't include you. They think you're just a worthless old campaign manag... I mean, crazy old attorney. Why don't you join me and Cain in voting Will out."
Lyman: "That bullshit is still going on? Well, whatever. I'm cool with doing absolutely anything anybody tells me, ever. Do you have any candy or porn for me?"
Eli: "I am going to show you something called the internet."

But seriously, what are the odds that Eli finish this season still in-house at L/G? It wouldn't knock him out of the show, considering Will's suspension is up in two months and -- presumably -- Peter's race will get started in earnest around the finale. Right? I just don't know what the point is anymore, considering the unending ass-ache he's become for Diane, and the Machiavellian roundabout can only come around so many times.

CUESTA

Murph strikes up an immediate chumminess with the Rooney case's foreman: A lady who was the sole holdout, the One Angry Lady, until she accidentally came across some random evidence that had been excluded for being prejudicial: Photos of Rooney covered in blood. However, now she seems to remember that it was Cuesta she saw "accidentally" leaving it lying around where they'd come across it.

Alicia & Diane: "The fuck?"

Kalinda: "That lady used to wear glasses..."
Alicia: "We're not calling her into question, Murph loves her."
Diane: "Who was your co-counsel on this case, Your Honor? And doesn't he look a bit like you? Were you both balding, in 1992?"
Cuesta: "Lloyd Bullock is a good guy, he has nothing to do with the evidence."
Diane: "But you weren't entirely in charge of the chain of evidence..."
Cuesta: "I was!"
Diane: "Look, you idiot. Do you understand what's going on here?"

The three ladies team up on him and try to convince him into letting them do this work, and he pulls that "defense attorneys doing their jobs make me sick" thing, and Diane just tells him to pull it together and stop poking holes in their hole-poking, because otherwise he won't have a bench to sit at and literally judge them all day long.

LOCKHART/LYMAN

Diane: "Have you noticed Eli up Howard's ass all day? Do I need to step in?"

Will: "Don't worry about it. Eli is the worst, he will fuck this up for himself."

CUESTA

Lloyd Bullock is a hot piece who used to be in the SA and was the co-counsel they're trying to frame.

Alicia: "You don't look like you did back then, huh? You were still a hot piece, but you had a little less hair back then?"
Lloyd: "I am unashamed of that procedure! Look at me."
Murph: "You do! You look great!"

Alicia kind of pisses him off now, though, by never quite saying that Lloyd was the one that left the things where they jurors would see them: It was a smoking area, he was a smoker; he looked a lot like Cuesta back then; and most importantly, he was in charge of the evidence. Which, of course, he was not. So Alicia does that "my mistake" thing and tries to back out of the conversation, but then the Murph Effect kicks in the other way and he's like, "Let's talk about what we're talking about."

Murph: "Did you sneak anything to the smokers?"
Lloyd: "No, I was with Cuesta the entire time they were deliberating."
Murph: "Cuesta, is that true?"

If he says anything but yes, that calls it into question. But doesn't it, by the same token, mean that if he does say yes, it goes both ways? If Lloyd was with him the whole time, then wasn't he by the transitive property also with Lloyd that whole time? So really, it just makes L/G look bad to have gone here. Which is so ironic, because Alicia could easily just move to Murph's town and they could have a sitcom spin-off where they figure out problems and solve them with hometown justice and gentle wisdom. But instead, she's the gross one, like when they made Cuddy look crazy in front of that guy from The Wire.

(Maybe I'm just seeing things because it's the penultimate one, but does it seem like this episode has more callbacks than usual? Not just the ethical one here, or the conversation that follows, but also the -- not to be indelicate -- there were angles and details of a scene earlier that were a bit reminiscent of events at the beginning of the season. Maybe I'm not watching enough of the right television shows, but it seems to me that... Anyway, you know what I mean.)

KALINDA

Alicia has Lana in to discuss the Bishop thing, showing her documentation for what is probably nearly entirely true: That any work Kalinda did on a Bishop case would have billed to L/G, not Bishop -- bringing it under privilege -- but that in this one case his people accidentally cut the check to her, which makes it look like something is being exposed, or like Kalinda is lying about her income, but that in fact it's just a case where L/G let it slide because of the hassle of not double-billing him after the check was cashed. Lana doesn't buy it, but we don't really care what Lana thinks because she is a destructive dilettante who's gonna get my girl killed.

By Jacob Clifton

KALINDA

But maybe more interesting is the breezy, shruggy way in which Alicia just casually gives the Kresteva-esque impression that it doesn't really matter what's true or what Lana believes. Which, I don't know if that's what they're going for, especially on the heels of the last scene, but whatever it takes to keep Kalinda from getting murdered. Right?

GOLD/LYMAN

Lyman: "What we should really do is vote Diane out."
Eli: "Sure, I... What?"
Lyman: "And we should put people to death for not having lids on their coffee cups, like in Singapore."
Gold: "I mean... Hang on, what?"
Lyman: "And it should always be summer! Less legal cases during the summer. You know what I mean?"
Gold: "I just realized Howard Lyman is bonkers."
Lyman: "And then on Fridays, we all go to the burlesque..."
Gold: "Stop talking stop talking stop talking."

Will watches, of course, loving every second. I'm impressed that he knew that was going to blow up. Either way, in retrospect, he was covered, and I love that he knew that. Whenever Will says not to worry about something, in the long term he is correct. Although in the short term, things can get really hairy. But that was a good one. I kind of like having Will just hang around being funny and cool instead of having to worry about him on cases. Don't you? I didn't think I would -- but now I can barely remember what he's like in a courtroom.

LINCOLN PARK WINES & SPIRITS

This part was neat and a little sad. Kalinda walks in and starts chatting up the lady in there, and before she's said a single word, the woman's taken her measurements: She was the investigator back during the Rooney case, and recognized Kalinda as one of her own the second she walked in. It's a little like looking in a mirror: They both have that velvety smoke way of moving around and answering your questions before you ask them and not really ever saying anything. They like each other, warily, on sight, and with zero bullshit: I know what you're like, because you're like me. I wonder if she had an Alicia.

By Jacob Clifton

Anyway. What the lady wants Kalinda to know is that there's something in the SA Evidence Locker she needs to get ahold of, and also one other thing: Get out while you can.

CUESTA

What Kalinda turns up is good stuff, too: Credit card receipts on the dead wife's card, dated after she was long gone and Patrick was already in custody.

Diane: "So, DNA aside, that's pretty clear he didn't do it."
Cuesta: "I never saw this shit. I had a billion cases, I couldn't look at every single..."
Alicia: "So you'd what, farm it out?"
Diane: "To, say, your co-counsel?"
Cuesta: "No, not this again. I'm drawing a line..."
Diane: "It's not even necessary to do that! Look, it's confirmation bias. You saw a bloody woman, hacked to pieces, and you wanted justice. Things that helped mattered more than things that hurt. That's how a prosecution builds its case."
Cuesta: "Then I am guilty of what they're saying I am."
Alicia: "Not if you had a second review. Not if there were another pair of eyes, not if you passed this particular batch of stuff to Lloyd Bullock. That just makes this his fault, not yours. It's not even about if either of you are even bad people. Have you honestly forgot even these basics?"
Cuesta: "What I have learned in this episode is that I fucking hate lawyers."
Alicia: "Girl, I know exactly what you mean."

GARDNER APT

Callie: "Hey, I just called Diane and turned you down."
Will: "Huh. I want to be really clear that I wasn't asking you to..."
Callie: "Oh my God, men are so silly. I took a better job. Not about you, even remotely."
Will, making out: "I have baggage."
Callie: "So let's see it."

Well, I guess I like Cokehead Callie now. Maybe it was just the AA coffee-cart sadness of her life as she explained it, last week, that bothered me. Because this week, she seems really forthright and neat. And a good match. Kind of like if Cuddy went to therapy and became strong without being twisted, you know? I'm with her, for now, especially since she isn't going to be up in the firm's business, weirding out Alicia and complicating matters.

Cary: "Do what?"
Lyman: "For getting clients laid. Trust me on this."

(Cary: "I have... Am I being punk'd?"
Will: "Also, he thinks you're gay! But we'll let that surprise simmer for a while.")

Cary chases Kalinda into the hallway instead of dealing.

Kalinda: "So you're back, huh?"
Cary: "Is that okay? Will you come out for a drink tonight? With a group, I mean. Of third-years. Such as Alicia..."
Kalinda: "No, seriously. Thanks. Maybe time."
Cary: "Good enough for me. Team Agos steps up to the plate, once again."

CUESTA

Lloyd: "Never saw them."
Alicia: "I can see missing one of them, but four receipts that call your case into question?"
Seth: "Asked and answered!"
Alicia: "Sure. But you were on financials for this case, yeah? And you would have had these on your desk at some point."
Lloyd: "If they'd been discovered, yes. They would have gone straight to Cuesta."

So it turns out that, on New Year's that year, Lloyd was in a car accident which, by May, had given him a full-blown hydrocodone addiction, and he went into treatment. This brings Seth all the way back around and he starts yelling at Alicia that this whole line is pointless because she's only doing this to reassign blame, and she puts that fake smile of her on: She's bringing evidence that's potentially damaging to her case in an effort to put the whole thing together and figure out the truth, but by all means, etc. By the time she starts throwing her arms around talking about how flattering it is that Seth finds her so deeply malevolent, Murph's had enough.

Addicted to painkillers in 1992? Yes. Did Cuesta know that? No. Did Cuesta ever see these receipts? No. And who was responsible for these receipts? Lloyd. Murph stares Cuesta in the eye a while, and thanks everybody for playing. Cuesta stares into space and thinks bad things about himself.

THIRD-YEARS AT THE BAR

Alicia: "To Cary! Welcome back to the dark side!"
Cary: "To Alicia, for getting a judge off today! Or at least out of the penalty box."
Alicia: "I sometimes feel like I don't understand the law, or what the fuck I am doing."

She played every trick in the Season Three book, from fake laughing to finger-pointing to witness-shaming. She did a great job. Without even lying, really. And now Cary's here, happy to be here with Alicia Florrick, talking her through her moral crisis when he's one of the few people that even noticed it was going on, and something she would still not quite comprehend is that he can only trust her now that he's seen her struggling, because St. Alicia was so very virtuous that he could never trust her at all. But this time, all this time she's been visiting him at the SA and worrying about him, bringing him into the firm again: It's because they're friends, and he can trust that because he knows she's just as dirty as he is. Or he's become just as clean.

Cary: "You're helping people."
Alicia: "Ugh, like that judge? Was he innocent? Do I know? Do I even care anymore?"

Because that's the real trick, the thing that all the ratfucking lawyers in the world will never be able to explain to you: That any illusions you have about your cleanliness don't matter. Not because they're not true, not because there's not an objective morality or at least a legal system designed to approximate one, but because you're asking the wrong question. If we're all the same amount of dirty, then we're all the same amount of clean.

And anybody who tries to sell you another way to do that math is working on a way to control you. Whether it's about sluts or fags, whether it's about campaign politics or campaign contributions, whether it's about social welfare or social Darwinism: If we're all the same amount of dirty, then we're all the same amount of clean. And all you have to do to find that small measure of grace is to give up the holy image of yourself.

Cary: "I haven't learned a damn thing since I left L/G. I am as dumb now as I was out of law school."
Alicia: "What's to learn?"
Cary: "That people lie. And the people who judge, they lie the most."

His phone goes off, and it's Peter -- "I'm here cheating with you," he grins, and Alicia doesn't even know what he means. She's just buzzed enough to make a hilarious face like, "Aren't we scandalous?!" He steps away, and she thinks for just a moment about what he said, before she feels somebody looking at her.

Kalinda's come in, on his invitation. Rapping her shades against one palm nervously, looking everywhere in the crowd, except at her. And then, before she knows quite why, Alicia smiles sadly, and turns a stool to face her, and pats a place for her to sit down again.

Q: Who is she supposed to be? What kind of person is Alicia Florrick? On her best day, when the compass goes spinning, what can she count on? She thought it was St. Alicia, she thought it was honesty, she thought it was integrity, she thought it was a lot of things that turned out to be way more complicated and less safe than St. Alicia ever thought: Virtues that become vices, vices that become armor so you don't have to cry anymore.

Integrity can be a kind of drug, just like any other thing you think defines you, once it stops helping you feel real and starts helping you feel better.

But the real answer to the question comes from the most surprising place of all, if you haven't been paying attention. If you, like Cary, think he hasn't learned anything or become a better man in his time at the SA, you might be surprised to learn he's known the answer all along:The people who judge, they lie the most. And that's not Alicia at all. Not on her best day, not on her worst.

By Jacob Clifton

Integrity can be a kind of drug, just like any other thing you think defines you, once it stops helping you feel real and starts helping you feel better.

Alicia Florrick is cleaner than that, on any day at all. As are you and I.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, and The Killing for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook.