In an episode of pretty much continuous shockers, twists and hilarious returns to old relationship dynamics, it's nice to see just how far some of these motherfuckers will go to blow Alicia's mind. The case itself -- a West Memphis Three gloss that Kalinda solves in her usual way -- is important mainly for the fact that Alicia's relationship with Cary is improving at a rate equal to his dissatisfaction at the SA's, and that it gives Kalinda cool stuff to do while the rest of the episode is going on.
Will sleeps with one of the lawyers involved, who is a pretty yucky person but not a super yucky person -- very much like most of the women he sleeps with -- and Eli is forced to abandon Vanessa's IL Senate campaign, after sleeping with her, due to some backroom boy's club stuff that is par for the yuckiness course. Parker Posey is very lovely, and sparkles more in this episode than to date, but I can't say I'll miss Vanessa too much.
Right. So the Jackie Showdown ends with Alicia's sudden realization that Jackie is buying the old house so that she can move in with Peter and the kids and just actually replace her daughter-in-law as the woman in their lives, and Jackie just barely bothering to say she's wrong. Softening toward Kalinda more all the time, Alicia hires her to look into Jackie's affairs, and learns that she borrowed the cash from the kids' trust. But before she can even apply pressure about it, Peter's flipped out in his mom's face and told her to back the hell off... Resulting in a truly trippy fake (?) stroke that is either really sad, or the awesomest power grab that old bitch'll ever try.
But Peter's having a hell of a day anyway. Mike Kresteva visits Alicia with the Blue Ribbon report, which clearly indicts the once and future State's Attorney of covering up the shooting, and Alicia repeats her dedication to staying far away from that. But somehow, as Mike is announcing his campaign for Governor, this story transforms itself into a whole other situation, where Alicia tried to force Mike to keep her husband's name out of it. Just blatant, flagrant lying. Her whole face goes cross-eyed like when you shake a pinball table, and Mike's like, "What. That's totally what happened."
He is totally the fucking worst, man! He's the anti-Elspeth! He is evil! He is like Louis Canning and Wendy Scott-Carr had an evil baby! It crawls along the ceiling! It drops on you unawares!
So even though Eli tells her to ignore it, Alicia stomps on into Mike's office to yell at him about lying, and he plays this amazing Jedi trick on her where, like a schizophrenic, he is able to morph reality into whatever he says, which causes her to scream at the top of her lungs like it's a playground and she's adamant that the sand is not actually lava. It's wild watching her come up against the fact that sometimes people just tell lies, but even more amazing watching how pissed she gets at the very idea. Like just the act of trying to compute the fact that people lie to your face is almost too much for her -- and of course, watching Eli walk her through the grossness of reality was a very welcome return to their friendly/pissy sparring matches of yore.
So, pissed, she tells Peter to run the fuck for Governor, and after a similarly slimy run-in with Mike -- who very openly details his plan to come after Alicia first and foremost, which Peter keeps to himself -- Peter finds himself once again on the dais with his Good Wife at his side, announcing his candidacy. It's an image that's come to mean so much: The freeze-frame on her quiet face, the million things we know are going on in there, the chilling consideration of what it means to see her, back there, again... And the true and total excitement of knowing that whatever happens with Jackie, Mike's made himself enough of a threat that they'll put any amount of their shit on hold to see him taken the hell down.
week: Possibly it's wishful thinking on my part, but it seems like Cary might finally be coming home.
PREVIOUSLY
Grams rocked the shit out of the mic in this interview, while diagetically, Alicia prepared to destroy her from the inside out using the power of words, or possibly shooting the old beast in the head. As though anything could keep our Jacks down.
SHAMPOO SHOWDOWN II
We get the smirk! AGAIN! The coolest shot in the history of this show -- besides the ones on the road trip with Owen where Alicia kept trying to get a signal -- AGAIN! I'll refresh your memory:
Shampoologist: "Girl, you know that fine son of yours is going to prevail, gubernatorially speaking..."
Jackie: "Yes, I have pictures of David Lee sodomizing Mike Kresteva at a White Power rally right here on my phone, and I've already contracted Halliburton's elite COBRA Commando sniper unit for the month of November..."
Style Maven: "Gurl. I feel the temperature just dropped a bit. Do you feel cold? It feels like right before the drop in a dubst..."
Alicia: "Hi, Jackie. Have a moment?"
Jackie: "You bet your ass I do."
That face! That magnificent face of Jackie.
Jackie: "Haven't seen you in a while, Gorgeous! How's tricks?"
Alicia: "Cut the shit, Florrick. You bought my house out from under me."
Jackie: "I was just driving through Highland Park, saw the For Sale sign, and realized I didn't want yet another family to..."
Alicia: "Meaning me. I mean, you honestly are going to stare in my face -- like so many others in this episode -- and claim that you randomly bought a four-bedroom, 3400 square foot house? Like it was gum in the checkout lane?"
Jackie: "I don't want it. It was for Peter! And for the kids. For Peter and the kids..."
Alicia: "And you! Oh my God, Gertrude. You are sick, sick, sick."
Jackie: "What's sick is our country's turn away from traditional values."
Alicia: "No, I get it. This is about boxing me out and setting yourself up with the family you always wanted."
Jackie: "You left his ass, honey. I'm not replacing you, there was a vacancy."
Alicia: "Well, I am going to stop you. Just stomp all over your old ass."
Jackie: "Uh huh. Well, good luck with that."
Alicia: "I don't need luck, you gross old witch. I'm a lawyer. With the very bendy morals this season has given me."
WEST MEMPHIS LADIES
Three lawyers, three defendants, basic setup of the West Memphis Three tragedy, that will eventually come down to the same thing it did in real life: The Alford Plea, "I'm technically guilty but I didn't do it," which maintains your innocence while admitting that the evidence could probably convict and you're not going to roll the dice. In this case, what the episode is about is that, at this point, the three young ladies -- who've been in prison already five years -- have their fates tied together. So now the three lawyers are working in tandem against Cary and the SA to vacate the whole thing, based on DNA evidence that Childs's crime lab was continually fucking up, probably on purpose, back then.
Judge Romano: "This is the fifth case of crime lab malfeasance that's come across my bench, and I have overturned all of them, so good luck to the pretty boy."
Cary: "Yeah, but all those had DNA as the central thing. This also built on lots of physical evidence, and testimony that these three girls were really mean to the victim beforehand."
Co-counsel here, besides Diane running with Alicia, are a guy named Tommy Segara, and more importantly, Cokehead Callie from last week. Each of them has their own girl, and each of them will spend the episode agitating for their own case, and it's pretty fun. Alicia's girl is Lindsey, who feels quite warmly toward her lawyers in a desperate way, but I'm not sure how Alicia feels about her in turn. She doesn't like bullies, and whatever else was going on, the three Sleepaway Murderers were that. Of course, it's Alicia, so by episode's end she's going to understand Lindsey as just a little girl, but for now she seems oddly ambivalent, oddly unwilling to do more than due diligence as far as comforting her client. Maybe I'm making too much of it, but there does seem to be a purpose here of having little Lindsey constantly staring back at Alicia with scared smiles, and Alicia just staring period.
Callie: "Point being, the cornerstone of the case was the DNA. So the jury was basically lied to."
Cary: "Sure, but not by the SA."
Callie, smartly: "Then the SA should share our anger at this injustice!"
Romano: "Heh. Calm down, but good one. Okay, I'm going to vacate the convictions."
Jubilation...
Cary: "And I'm going to retry the case, then. And ask for no bail."
Everybody freaks out, the judge agrees to hold them for retrial, and the best day in Lindsey's life becomes one of the worst. She tells Alicia about this dream she keeps having: A door, open, that slams in her face when she gets close.
STATE'S ATTY
Cary: "Peter, this is about making Childs look bad, if nothing else. Think of it this way."
Peter: "I think of it like, that girl's family deserves justice and I promised it to them. Offer a plea."
Even worse. So Cary works the angle of his adorableness, but Peter is for real: They need it off their desk, and he wants everybody to sign off. Cary runs away as Peter gets the call from Alicia...
LOCKHART/LYMAN
Alicia: "She said she wanted it for you and the kids -- I'm leaving out the part where she wants to go full Oedipus on you, for now -- and it's like, I'm not trying to box you out, I'm just weirded out by the fact that it would be the whole family, minus me, in the house without me in it."
Peter: "You mean exactly the same thing as you were thinking when you nearly bought it."
Alicia: "No, um... Actually, yeah. You're right. I am being a dick. Sorry, that's very valid. But on the other hand, your mom's being an asshole."
Peter: "That part we can agree on. Stay tuned, because I might finally outgrow her in this episode."
Alicia walks into her office, pretty sure Peter's being optimistic on that one, to find Mike Kresteva hanging from the ceiling like a motherfucking bat, because he is the worst.
Mike Kresteva: "How's your three little girls going on? What's it like being a defense lawyer, when you have such a righteous fucking bone to pick with everybody all the time?"
Alicia: "I handle it with great delicacy, motherfucker. And goddamn poise."
Mike: "I like you, Alicia. I do. I want to wear your face on my head like a hat."
Alicia: "These little conversations of ours tend to make me feel like Colin Sweeney about to go apeshit on a prostitute, so why don't you just tell me the horrible thing that's about to happen and we can do that, instead of small talk? I only say about twelve hundred words a day, and you're burning 'em like peak oil right now."
Mike: "Right, well. Remember how you ruined the delicate web of institutionalized white male power when you brought doubt into the world of our Blue Ribbon Panel, and then I told you that your choices were Justice or Screwing Peter, and you chose..."
Alicia: "To recuse myself, yes."
Mike: "Well, you were so persuasive and inspiring that we ended up going with Screw Peter, and I thought I'd dick you around some more and give you the opportunity to double down on your hypocrisy, write a minority report defending him."
Alicia: "And yet still no. And get out of my office, okay?"
Mike: "No, no! I'm totally serious! I just want you to be your best! All tyranny needs, to gain a foothold, is for people of good conscience to remain silent. I read that on a bottle of Dr. Bronner's, sandwiched between something about numerology and a recipe for summer squash marmalade."
Which is funny, because so much of this weird thing he keeps trying to make happen depends on Alicia's loyalty to Peter, which ends up being right by being wrong, because he thinks she's the Good Wife when her choices regarding Peter are actually much smarter and more conscientious than that. She won't screw Peter because she believes in Peter, not because she's his housewife, but that doesn't matter in the long run because Mike's game is about screwing Peter in a whole other way nobody even saw coming.
Diane: "Michael! Hanging from the ceiling, eh. Well, don't even think about poaching Alicia."
Mike: "I was thinking more of a braise... Oh, you meant metaphorically. No, I was just here, at her request, to discuss that Blue Ribbon Panel she managed to fuck up for both of us."
Diane: "That was weird. If it weren't still a sore spot, I would ask further questions."
Alicia: "If he hadn't just lied to your fucking face and made me feel really weird about reality for a second, I might find a way to voice my concerns about it in a way that doesn't make me look like a three year old."
Diane: "And?"
Alicia: "...Nope. I'm repressing it to just a weird feeling, for now, even though my gut tells me he just did something scary I can't see yet. What's up?"
Diane: "Well, Cary called and they're giving us a three-way plea on the new trial. Lindsey is pretty much a basket case, so you're going to be playing Alicia for the foreseeable."
Alicia: "Do we actually want them to plea?"
Scary Grin: "Nooooo ... we just want her to know the facts. As I said, you're running Alicia game on this one. Talk softly and carry a big hug, pretend to give a shit what she thinks."
VOTE GOLD
Eli: "Vanessa, you're only going to win this State Senate rate by being a woman. Quite a woman, yes, but the kind who is divorced and sleeps with bin Ladens."
Vanessa: "So you're casting yourself as the Alicia here? The Good Leprechaun, standing by his woman? If my ex approves of me, it makes me more traditional?"
Eli & Vanessa: "Wait, are we in total love? Or is this as usual a house of mirrors reflecting scenarios back on themselves until desire and pragmatism meld into some unholy Florricism at the technically unreachable point where parallels intersect in infinity?"
If you revolve the Alford Plea around to the shape of relationships, that's kind of what it would look like: The fact that marriage and desire and love and loyalty -- even hate and resentment, or history and sharing the things we hate as much as the things we love -- are all separate things in theory but don't ever exist in a vacuum. "I didn't do it, but I am guilty" becomes "I won't call it love, but I some-other-word you."
Everybody says that whole "seventeen words for snow" thing like it's bad, but I think it's great: We only have one word for love because one word is all we need. Everything else is just getting in your own way. Every romance is a friendship and every friendship is a romance. The lines are not as blurry as we pretend they are: For me -- which, keep this in mind moving forward, that I am fairly feral about this question and fairly simple emotionally, as a person -- it's less about the usual definitions of "love" and the answer to one simple question: Are you on my Team, or are you Irrelevant. In vs. Out.
There are plenty of people that I love that I can't stand, and it's not being fake: It's that they're on my Team. I would fight Jackie to the death because she is an evil old bitch, but I would never say I didn't love her, because I would. She's family, she's on the Team. I wouldn't trust Colin Sweeney to watch my soda while I'm in the bathroom, but he's on my Team and I want him to be okay. And even though I tend to overidentify with Alicia, and even though I just said that's a personal take, I do think this episode makes tons more sense if you remove all the marginalia and look at it that way: Mike forces Alicia to examine Peter's place -- not his role, just his place -- on the Team.
Now if we could only get somebody to point out the same thing is true of Kalinda...
W MEMPHIS
Lindsey: "Now that you have explained what an Alford Plea is, fuck that."
Girls: "Wait, so can they convict us without the DNA?"
Lawyers: "Maybe, maybe not. Hence, the issue."
Girls: "Anything else terrifying?"
Lawyers: "It's time served, but you're still a convicted felon for the rest of your life, and a parole violation means you go directly to jail again."
Callie, to her girl: "Plus, the second you get out you can sue the shit out of them, so that would be a condition as well. They're dangling this Alford thing because they know it means freedom. In some ways, they are creeping you just as bad."
Diane: "Which is the other half of it. The last overturned conviction about crime lab malfeasance meant a ten million dollar award."
Alicia: "Ahem, which is not a guarantee at all. And would be split three ways."
Lindsey: "So you're saying I should reject it."
Diane: "Sure as hell we are not. These are your options. And, side note, we won a case last year about this. I, for one, think it's important to hold those in power responsible for their fuckups."
Alicia: "Although it's fun for us to sit around counting our money and linking it to our ideals, when we haven't spent a day in jail like you."
Lindsey: "See these dollar signs in my eyes?"
L/G: "You have 72 hours to decide, on that or any other criterion you judge most important."
Lindsey: "What would you do?"
Alicia, actually thinking about it: "I have literally no idea. That's what this episode is about."
LOCKHART & FLORRICK
Diane: "What do you think?"
Alicia: "She needs the money."
Diane: "We all do, honey. That's what I'm pretending not to be counting on."
Hey, what's that on the television there? Let's investigate.
Mike: "...Panel report that even the wife of the State's Attorney himself signed off on, that said there was a coverup by her husband and those in power..."
Alicia: "That weird feeling is developing into another stronger feeling."
Mike: "...Which is why I'm proud to announce my campaign for Governor of Illinois."
Alicia: "...There it is. There it motherfucking is. Wow."
I mean, wow. I honestly just didn't see that coming. I guess after Wendy Scott-Carr stubbornly refused to ever make sense, in the final analysis, I was expecting more of that. Or that his bizarre ethical questionnaires were about summing up the season. But this?
Kalinda, running in from miles away: "I felt a disturbance in the Force. Of our love. What is wrong?"
Alicia: "Literally everything. Every thing."
THE TWILIGHT OF THE GOLDS
Mike On TV: "...I was never the best father or husband, or person really, but when my son got leukemia and I rescued all those babies from that house full of burning puppies and I single-handedly rewrote our nation's tax code, I realized something..."
Eli: "Fuck fuck fuck where is my shoe? Why did I fuck you? Where is my life?"
Lovely Vanessa: "Hee, hee. Who's that guy on TV?"
Eli: "The competition."
Vanessa: "Mine?"
Eli: "No, Peter's. The real competition."
Vanessa: "In bed with me, thinking only of him..."
Eli: "That sort of thing, my friend, is too close for comfort. Stop acting like Reporter Tammy and give me my goddamn shoe."
Vanessa: "Off to your Peter, you little slut..."
Eli: "Sigh. This was a mistake."
How and when did Parker Posey go from 1992 Quirk-Pretty to 2012 Legit-Gorgeous? I mean, House Of Yes was a two-hour investigation of how beautiful she actually is, it's not like she was ever a character-actor in the face region, but she has really aged into herself. She didn't look this good even in like Jezebel James time. Well, but actually Amy Sedaris looks amazing on this show too, since they don't let her fuck herself up into a monster like she usually prefers -- and the lady judges from other TV shows always look glamorous too, and the show is a poem about various ways to zone out on looking at Julianna Margulies -- so maybe it's just Michelle King striking back for Women Over 25 Everywhere, on principle.
Mike On TV: "...In fact, Alicia even promised to sign off if we left out the part about Peter..."
Eli: "[One unceasing scream.]"
Alicia: "[One unceasing scream.]"
Everybody: "[One unceasing scream.]"
COUNSEL COUNCIL
Callie: "Pamela says no, she wants to go for a civil suit."
Tommy: "Yeah, you sold her on that. Meanwhile Megan got beat up again yesterday and wants the fuck out of Dodge."
Callie: "Emotional blackmail much?"
Tommy: "You guys are fighting the plea because you can't get your 20% of their freedom."
Callie: "Alicia, you're married to the bastard. What's the call?"
Diane: "Nerp! Stop! Stop it."
Kalinda: "Alicia, can I talk to you absolutely anywhere else?"
Alicia: "Once again, your Spidey Sense is impeccable. I need you to look into something financial and creepy."
Kalinda: "St. Alicia needs dirty old Kalinda? Weird. Of course, I mean, but weird. Whose?"
Alicia, ruefully: "My goddamn mother-in-law."
GARDNER & SIMKO
Callie: "Hey, mister! It's tough. Not to talk about legal actions in which your firm is taking part, but those kids don't care about money right now -- just their freedom. Anyway, you're still two months out of a six-month suspension?"
Gardner: "Yeah. I wrote a book that is not great."
Callie: "Me, it was a year. Addiction to cocaine that led to overbilling."
Gardner: "In some ways, we have a lot in common. Other ways..."
Callie: "Hey, some of my best summations were on coke. Don't I seem chiller now?"
Gardner: "Heh, yeah."
Callie: "Listen, my glum chum, I know it's been three years since we tried dating, but now you know I only stood you up so I could go into rehab. And let me tell you, there is a sparklingly enjoyable support group for those of us who've been censured or suspended."
Gardner: "Is this your idea of asking me out?"
Callie: "I am acting like a quintessential person in recovery, so yes."
MEDICAL EXAMINER
ME: "Kalinda, where you been?"
Kalinda: "Hibernating? Whatever you call it when the showrunners decide to punish their viewers for an entire year by taking away the central relationship of the show."
ME: "Well, luckily you're no longer persona non grata around here. What can I do for you?"
Kalinda: "I need the clue to end the case, and I am assuming you'll give it to me this early in the episode."
Note from Cary on the clue in question: "Haha! Good luck, kiddo!"
Kalinda: "That was cute."
She sticks the post-it to the ME's chest -- also very cute -- and goes through the file. But then, there it is! A weird mark on the girl's ankle that nobody noticed! Even the ME is like, "Once again, Kalinda, you keep the wheels of Chicago justice turning with your skills of being very observant." And, because she is being adorable this episode, she just grins at him like, "Yep."
GOLD & ASSOC
Alicia: "Eli! He's lying! He's a fatty-fatty two-by-four with pants aflame!"
Eli: "Sure, of course."
Alicia: "No, I mean it! Lying! Tell not trues! On television!"
Eli: "Yeah. Calm down."
Alicia: "I most certainly will not! I am scandalized!"
Eli: "So you weren't on a Blue Ribbon Panel where you figured Peter helped cover up police corruption on a grand scale?"
Alicia: "I wouldn't charac... It's confidential! Put out a statement! About his pants!"
Eli: "Nope."
Alicia, red in face: "BUT HE IS LYING ELI!"
Eli: "Girl, I know that. You know that. Let it go."
Alicia: "AM I IN FUCKING CRAZYTOWN RIGHT NOW?"
Eli: "The perennial Alicia Florrick bugaboo has reared its head once again. Honey, we're on the national stage right now. We have leveled up. There is a whole other set of rules in play and you're going to have to get on board. Which I know you will, because you always do, because you are remarkable. But in this case, let it go. People lie. Talk about it and you just feed the fire."
Alicia: "BUT IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD!"
Eli: "I know, and I know that stings..."
Alicia: "AND HE FUCKING GETS AWAY WITH IT!"
Eli: "And I know that bothers you even more than the first thing, because you're awesome, but you have got to grow up. Rise above this one, and congratulate yourself on being a grownup."
Alicia: "I STEADFASTLY REFUSE!"
Eli: "I know that too. Come see me when you manage to make things ten times worse."
Alicia: "THAT I WILL DO, MY SMALL FRIEND."
W MEMPHIS
Kalinda: Drops a bike clip on Alicia's desk.
Alicia: "Is this for my mother-in-law? I don't get it, where is it attached?"
Kalinda: "No, the case. Rosa was wearing a bike clip when they found the body, that's why there was [gross medical thing about lividity and the ways your body starts to decompose]. But there was no bike in the police report."
Alicia: "So where was she riding it when she got murdered?"
They nod like that answers the whole case or even makes sense, which means by episode's end it will solve the whole case and sort of make sense.
Lindsey: "A bike? Rosa didn't have a bike, nobody had a bike. It was summer camp. I mean, her counselor had a mountain bike, but..."
Kalinda: "Off I go!"
Lindsey: "Hey, how are the other two ladies doing?"
Alicia: "Well, Megan's getting beat up so she might Alford out."
Lindsey: "Jesus. Maybe I should too."
Diane: "We still have that 72 hours to prove there's not even a case to retry, so sit tight."
Lindsey: "Tell Megan to stay strong. Use some of our bullying skills or something."
WILDERNESS
Kalinda: "So you own this bike, right? Rosa rode off on it, you reported it stolen, and eventually you found it. Where?"
Counselor: "Let's go look at where I found it, near another counselor's house who has a weirdly childlike, perverted air about him."
KRESTEVA AT LAW
Mike: "Okay team, remember that we're going to have to section off our entire firm, like they did with Eli, between politics and legal... Oh, Alicia's here! Leave."
Alicia: "Good day, motherfucker."
Mike, smarming: "So very sorry I didn't mention the press conference when I saw you moments beforehand! I just didn't want the campaign to get in the way of the Panel report you so desperately wanted to rehash when you invited me to your office."
Alicia: "Do what?"
Mike: "Remember? When you tried to get me to change the report?"
Alicia: "Lies!"
Mike: "Which part are you misremembering?"
Alicia: "EVERYTHING! ALL THE PARTS! YOU ARE A LIAR!"
Mike: "Would you like some water or something? You can calm down and tell me what parts of what really happened in reality that you've decided to disagree with."
Alicia: "I DON'T WANT A WATER I WANT TO FIGHT! YOU ARE LIKE THE EVIL ELSBETH RIGHT NOW! IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!"
Mike: "Our memories seem to diverge at several points..."
Alicia: "YOU ARE WILLY WONKA! YOU ARE MAKING THINGS BE LIKE THE MATRIX!"
Mike: "Alicia, how on earth can you play pretend at such a sensitive time for us both?"
Leaning into her face, impossibly far in, like a Disney villain ten feet tall. And abruptly, she flips. Goes cold where she was hot. Retreats back to the part of the carpet she's standing on, and remembers who she is.
Alicia: "You are going to lose, my friend."
Mike: "Am I? And to whom?"
Alicia: "To Peter. Now."
Mike: "No I won't. And you know why? He won't even enter the race."
Alicia: "Whatever, bro. Just stop lying about me."
Mike: "First of all, I'm not. And second of all, a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still tying its shoes. I read that on a box of reusable produce bags that help seal in freshness."
She walks out backwards so they can keep staring at each other, and they are both a little huffy, but neither of them blinks a single time and it is so, so scary.
Which I appreciate, because welcome to Matthew Perry, but for me the meat of this story -- and the ways it comments on the other two -- is all in the scene with Eli, so you can just sit back and enjoy the theatre because the real story has already been defined: The curious thing to a law student about the Alford Doctrine would be that it's both at once. Yes, you are guilty, but no, you are not guilty.
Yes, he is lying, but no, it doesn't matter. Yes, Alicia knows in her heart that she has the evidence to convict him of being a liar, but no, her opinion about his character means absolutely nothing, because there is no court in the land set to rule about whether or not people are jerks.
Yes, standing to Peter for a third time is in some ways a betrayal, but no, it also is not. Because in the game of In v. Out, Mike Kresteva just defined the whole world besides himself as Out. When I stand facing you, all I can see is you. When we stand facing the same way, we're fighting the same fight and facing the same villain (and the same cameras), but are we necessarily going to be holding hands?
Yes, we are holding hands, and no, we are not holding hands.
WILDERNESS
Kalinda: "Oh, and who lives there?"
Counselor: "Just this creepy guy who can't get a date with women his own age, so he feeds off the affection of younger girls by working as a camp counselor."
Kalinda: "Uh, perhaps he figures into this case."
Creepy: "I worked there, yeah. Young girls' dreams are important to me. Also sniffing their panties when they're not around. Also their love of nature. Most adults are too tainted and marred by the ugly world to really be reverent about that. Or my average looks and wicked yucky demeanor."
Kalinda: "So you were fucking Rosa, I take it."
Creepy: "Rosa? No, not Rosa. Not specifically that one."
Kalinda: "Okay, I'm just gonna take this picture of you leaning on her shoulder like the worst Backrub Guy ever, and go before you stick me in a hole. But if anybody shows up banging on your door with a warrant, be smart. Okay?"
ELI & ASSOC
Alicia: "You know how you said I was going to fuck everything up?"
Eli: "Yep."
Alicia: "Okay, I have to tell you something. But before I do, give me a 1-10 on Peter's feelings about the race."
Eli: "He's leaning against, because Donna Brazile rightly thinks he's sketchy even after all this time, and because Kresteva has the whole kid cancer thing going."
Alicia: "Okay. First of all, don't be mad, but..."
Eli, laughing: "You walked in there, tried to be valiant and talk him into being a person, and instead he treated you like a mental patient. Which caused you to act like one."
Alicia: "You know me all too well."
Eli: "Yeah. You, among every other person in the world, because I am good at my job and I know what people do and are about, and amoral enough to judge it accurately. I can look into the sun, which is what you think you are, but really you're too compassionate to do it all the way, because that would make you look bad to yourself. Which is why you admire and love me and also hate and are repulsed by me."
Alicia: "Peter needs to run. For about a million different reasons, the latest of which is fuck Mike Kresteva."
Eli: "I know. And he needs your help."
Alicia: Silent. Smart.
Eli: "This Mike is dangerous, he's Blagoj..."
Alicia: "Eli! Stop selling! Quit while you're ahead!"
Eli: "Fine, sorry sor... Wait, I'm ahead?"
Alicia: "Shut up, keep me in the loop about my own image, and no kids, as per usual."
He grins like a boy for a second, well-chuffed. Don't think for a second he doesn't feel the exact same way about her, and for the exact same reasons.
FLORRICK/FLORRICK
Peter: "You're being really neat today, Alicia. But I'm still not sure I'm running."
Alicia: "Well, you are. How about them apples?"
Peter: "Kresteva's not even the worst thing."
Alicia: "Eli said so too, but I mean, this isn't really about him. I think you'd be a good Governor. Better than any alternative, and I admire your political skills and -- oddly -- your ethics."
Peter: "Are you lying right now?"
Alicia: "No, I am not lying. But yes, fuck Kresteva."
Peter: "I'm kind of starting to enjoy the State's Attorney. Especially now that I got all the blacks and fags out of here."
Alicia: "Farewell. And I believe in you. You ass."
BAD ATTYS ANONYMOUS
Dude sobbing about his horrible life, and the only other people in attendance are Callie and old Will Gardner, who has spent four months specifically not seeing himself this way.
Callie: "As a quintessential person in recovery, I will only speak in easily memorized platitudes."
Will: "As a person well acquainted with shameful, seamy scenes, I feel weird."
Callie: "Lots of times people in recovery make terrible choices, like fucking each other."
Will: "Anything to get out of here."
Callie: "I'm just gonna nosh on this donut in a sexy way and then shove some of it in your face, also in a sexy way."
(An attempt is made.)
Callie: "Turns out there's not a sexy way to do that. Sorry. Anyway, let's go fuck."
STATE'S ATTY
Jackie: "Somebody needs to validate my broom."
Peter: "We'll take care of that. Sit down on your old ass and tell me what you're doing to Alicia this week."
Jackie: "Why, I don't know what that woman is..."
Peter: "Don't. Buy. The House. Mom."
Jackie: "Okay, fine. I'm just going to buy that house and then we'll discuss it."
Peter: "Mom? Mom. No. Do you hear me?"
Jackie: "For reasons we'll learn later, I actually cannot pull out. Not that I would."
Peter: "Fucking do what I say, or I will unleash motherly torments on you."
Jackie: "The trouble is your wonderful heart, you don't know when you're being manipulated..."
Peter: "Uh, your case is riding on that fact. Now listen to me. We are doing this separation in such a mature, dignified way that it is, frankly, shocking."
Jackie tries laughing him off -- because she's got nothing if he starts thinking of himself as an adult around her, for even a second; because if he follows that thought to its conclusion the spell will lift -- and just to save himself, he shoves her old ass in the chair and looms over her. Anybody else, this would be a fairly shocking moment, but frankly the episode began with the promise of somebody finally punching her in her old bitch face, so you still have that gun waiting to go off.
Peter: "No. This is not a conversation about anything other than what I am saying to you. Do not buy that house. Or else."
Jackie: "She's so controlling..."
Peter: "If you want me in your life. If you want my children in your life. If you want the opportunity to continue browbeating pastors, civilians and political operatives on my behalf -- all the things that give your existence meaning -- you will stop this particular form of bullshit. I am not asking a lot. Stop it, today. Wherever it is, whatever part of the process. Do you understand me."
She nods. Does not cry. But... There it is. The sneaky little look. You have to admire the depths of her resilience. And the fact that she honestly does believe this is the best move, that Alicia has -- by reversing her own actions back when Peter's father cheated on her -- made a mockery of everything and endangered her beloved son's ambitions and therefore his life. I mean, she always made sense. And I don't even feel the need to, as usual, flip it over and look at the other side, because the other side looks exactly the same: If she were right, she'd be amazing. But we know she's not, so all that righteousness converts straight into horrible.
COUNSEL COUNCIL
Lawyers: "Do you think that dude was sleeping with her?"
Kalinda: "Well, two years later another camper accused him of harassment."
Lawyers: "So the story is, she rode to the guy's house and then he dumped her back at the camp?"
Kalinda: "I think allegations of criminal sexual abuse constitute motive, yeah."
Callie: "Then we need an emergency hearing, and reconsideration of bail."
Alicia: "I'll prepare the motion! Momma needs a win today!"
GOLD & ASSOC
Eli: "So we'll talk about how there have been problems after our marriage, but we're working hard to mend fenc... Hang on. That sleazy Democrat guy who only exists to fuck up my life is back."
That Sleazy Democrat Guy: "Eli, we'll come out against Kresteva for Peter if he runs..."
Eli: "And the catch?"
Dem: "Vanessa. Can you even do both campaigns? I mean, even Jacob was confused for a second there."
Eli: "One, I'm consulting, the other, I'm running. It's fine. Two different offices entirely."
Dem: "Okay, what I was trying to imply is that you can't have her. She's jumped the line, and it's splitting off the woman vote from the guy that we like. We need him to pull women and she's going to fuck it up. So you fuck her up first, by not consulting."
Eli: "Just as she predicted! I must choose!"
Dem: "Tell her you'll help her in four years, or something. We both know Peter's the ballgame."
Eli, sadly: "Yeah. We do. We do know that."
W MEMPHIS
A moment of silence for Caitlin D'Arcy as Kalinda remembers Facebook exists, and finds on Creepy's Facebook a picture of him drinking beers that exonerates him from the murder, timestamp-wise, but then reveals... The ultimate Kalinda Klue!
Kalinda: "I call an emergency hang on during this emergency meeting! Alicia, look at the friendship bracelet on Creepy and how it matches Megan's bracelet. Trust me when I tell you that what happened is, Megan was the one fucking him, and that Rosa rode that bike over there for some reason -- doesn't even matter, really -- and Megan was lying in wait, to kill her. A sole perpetratress!"
Alicia: "Okay, that's going to take some doing with her lawyer -- luckily, it's the one girl who's not being represented by somebody who's slept with Will, and therefore probably won't be on the show in a recurring or lead role. Oh, and thanks for the help with my mother-in-law, for the thing you told me that the audience doesn't know yet is amazing."
JACKIE CALLS
Alicia: "Hello, you old bitch. Nice one stealing the down payment money from Grace and Zach's trust. Do you enjoy the feeling of me squeezing your balls into testicular oblivion?"
Jackie: "I had a stroke."
Alicia: "Very funny, you nasty old thing. Now, as for what I'm gonna do to you..."
Jackie: "Girl, I had a stroke. And because Peter isn't taking my calls, he doesn't know that. So I need you to call him, and tell him I'm in the hospital. A scared old woman in the hospital who needs her son. Please do this one thing for me."
Yes, Jackie is in the hospital. No, Jackie cannot be trusted. But either way, as Alicia rolls her eyes even now, either way Jackie just pulled a total Alford.
SCARY ELEVATOR
Peter: "Why Mike Kresteva, what a surprise to find you here. Where I stalked you, with my Chris Noth eyebrows going absolutely all the way right now."
Mike: "My dear Peter. Have you decided whether I'll have the pleasure of beating you soundly, in gubernatorial fashion?"
Peter: "No private lives. No families. No wives. Or else."
Mike: "Oh, but my darling Pete -- take the fucking elevator, bystanders, because this might get real -- I have no intention of doing anything other than destroying you via your wife."
Peter: "Do you want me to go crazy on you?"
Mike: "No, Peter, I want you out of this race. Or else your wife will be destroyed."
Peter: "I am going to run for Governor of Illinois. It is going to be dirty -- so very fucking dirty -- and it is going to be hard -- harder than you've ever seen -- and it is going to be scorched-earth, salt the plains, lamentation of the women shit. I am going to invent new ways to make you want to take your own life."
Mike: "Cool! I hope your wife enjoys the hell I'm going to rain on her."
Peter: "Well I don't plan on telling her about that. Good day, sir!"
Mike: "Your phone's ringing. Is that your wife? Screaming in terror because of something that I have done? No, it is not. Not yet. But it will be. Think about that every time your phone ri..."
Peter: "-- Dude, sorry. I seriously have to take this."
Mike: "No problem, I can wait."
Peter: "She what? I'll be right there. Mike, I'm really sorry, we're going to have reschedule this elevator thing, I've got a thing."
Mike: "Is everything okay?"
Peter: "Yeah, I just... My mom is either acting out or in serious health trouble. So I gotta..."
Mike: "Yeah, no, no, I totally get it. I'll call you."
Peter: "Thanks, Mike. And listen, I'm going to fuck you in your eyesockets."
Mike: "I look forward to it! And to setting your wife on fire, bro!"
HOSPITAL
So small, so frail. Pretty hair all jacked up. Old ladies in hospital beds are the worst thing, aren't they? Even old ladies you don't like, something about that bed just does me in.
Alicia: "I'm coming in. Hello? I'm coming in, okay?"
Jackie: Beckons with one skinny, vicious finger.
Alicia: "What is it, mother dear and/or kidnapper of my kids?"
Jackie: "Closer still."
Alicia: As close as she can get without getting snatched bald.
Because did she have a stroke? Yes, she had a stroke. No, she didn't have a stroke. Doesn't matter. Alford Doctrine.
Jackie, sibilant: "I forgive you."
Alicia: "Oh, motherfu..."
Peter, rushing in: "Is she okay? Oh my God, is my mother alive?"
Jackie: "Come to me, beloved son. Gaze upon me, maybe for the last time."
Alicia, almost kinda loving it: "This is such fucking horseshit."
Jackie, silently: "Either way? Suck it. I win. Again."
GOLDS
The scene is painful, but not on paper, because of Vanessa the character versus Parker Posey, the living legend, so I will just tell you: He drops her, as he knew he would, and she thinks she knows why, and he can't outright apologize because he can't tell her the real reason -- that she's doomed, that she will not be a member of the Illinois Senate no matter what he does -- because that would break her and she wouldn't hear him anyway.
So he says, "This pains me," things like that, and what he's saying is that it's literally sad for him, but what she hears is that he doesn't care, and what she says, to her credit, is, "Oh, sorry about your pain." And she goes walking out the door and he thinks about how maybe he fell back in love with her, and it's sad but not prohibitively so, because it's Eli. Doing the right thing, for the right reasons, and yet still somehow ending up a chump.
FORMER DEPUTY STATE'S ATTY
Alicia: "Hypothetically, if I knew one of the girls was guilty, would you drop it against other two?"
Cary: "Opening us up to civil cases from both of them? Alicia, I have to protect my job here. At least as long as I have one."
Alicia: "I thought you liked the clarity of being on the other side."
Cary: "It's getting murkier by the minute, actually. Ask your husband, or your boyfriend."
Alicia: "I don't even know how sweet you're being right now, when you say it that way."
Cary: "Nobody ever knows how sweet I'm being. But you're finally getting how much I like you."
Alicia: "And I'm finally getting how much I like you. Which is why, for at least the third time this season, I'm going to express concern about your quality of life."
Cary: "Job satisfaction, ha! I have my Family Circus cartoons and my ficus to keep me company here in my cubicle, what more could a boy ask for?"
Alicia: "Okay. I am secretly going to fix this somehow."
HOSPITAL
Eli: "Well, I have now cleared out any of the brush that would keep me from giving you the hard sell on this one, so it's time for you to run for Governor."
Peter: "I was just thinking the same thing. Let's go win this."
He touches his mom's hand and worries about her. Is this because of her blind belief in him? Is this because he thinks she maybe died, and wants to erase the last thing he said to her by doing the thing that will make her proudest in the world? Is this because she knew exactly how he'd react, and will be happier about this than she would be sad about Alicia? Yes, all those things, and no, none of those things, because we'll never know, because whether or not she had a stroke, the bitch had a stroke.
W MEMPHIS
Callie: "No, either way it's better for the girls to stay connected and go through with the Alford..."
Alicia: "You want the money, still. That's why you want to take chances with all three of them, because this new stuff bears on all of them if they play it like accomplices..."
Callie: "You two were just as into the money as I was, back when my client was getting beat up and wanted out..."
Alicia: "You know what? How about Lindsey offers to testify against Megan? Poor Megan that keeps getting beat up? Poor old Megan that killed a little girl?"
WHAT?
Callie: "WHAT?"
Even Diane: "Ohhhh girrlllll"
Alicia: "I think she'd make a damned good witness, don't you? I know Cary would love to meet with her, he needs something good to replace the DNA. And who knows what a desperate person will say..."
Callie: "So I'm wrong to want money, for us and for our clients, but you're not wrong to blackmail me with a worst-case scenario?"
Diane: "Yes, we are blackmailing you. No, we are not blackmailing you."
Lindsey goes free.
Alicia: "How's that door looking?"
Lindsey: "Within reach."
Alicia: "What are you gonna do now?"
Lindsey: "Maybe kill some girls. Play some volleyball."
Just kidding. She's sweet, she walks through the door into her parents' arms, and Alicia watches. From this side of the door. All she had to do, Lindsey, was tell the truth, but slant. It cost her -- a lot -- but in the end, she was strong enough to go free and walk out that door. By saying yes, and saying no.
PRESS CONF
Peter: "Illinois politics is about division, and discord, it's about personal attacks instead of achievement, it's about negative campaigning instead of positive creation. And it will be, all through Season Four of this show. And to that nasty, awesome, scary little end, I announce my run for Governor."
He lofts his wife's hand high in victory, in the glare of the cameras; she looks in some ways stronger than she ever has. They're both facing the same direction: The future. They're both fighting the same fight. Their arms make a V, that says loyalty and purity and honesty and a valiant, believable, trustworthy Team. A Team meant for changing the way we do things; for learning to do things better. But are they holding hands?
Yes, they are holding hands. No, they are not holding hands.
They are doing something better.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, and The Killing for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook.