The producers have discovered either a time machine or Rob Ford's stash, because we're violating all laws of time and geography to celebrate Christmas even though it's April or May on the show. In Ohio, that means the return of the traditional, never-before-seen 50th Annual Christmas Tree Decorating Contest. The Glee Club wins (even though Sue is the judge), but they decide to give up the plastic angel prize to Becky so she can have some holiday cheer. It's also time for the first annual living manger. All the girls want the role of Mary, except for New Quinn, who thinks she's too much of a fallen woman to deserve the role. This leads everyone else to decide that she should get the role so she can feel some self-worth. So she takes it. And Becky gets cast as the head of Baby Jesus.
In New York, that means Santana visits Rachel and Kurt because she can't handle running into Brit-Brit in Ohio. The three of them get gigs as shopping mall elves for a drunk Santa, and find themselves having to placate an angry mob of kids and parents when Santa disappears. They do this via a delightful song and a highly inappropriate -- but no less delightful -- visit from Sapphic Mrs. Claus. They think they're saved when Sexy Santa drops by to give them tips. He invites himself to dinner, makes out with Kurt, gets them drunk and... robs them. So that's the true meaning of Christmas, I guess.
Featuring a bunch of Christmas music and.... "Love Child," originally performed by Diana Ross and the Supremes, performed here by Unique with backup from Tina and Boring New Idiot Rachel.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
We open on "America's Jane Lynch," standing in a tastefully appointed living room, putting coal into the Christmas stockings of Cloris Leachman, Meryl Streep, Melissa McCarthy, Edie Falco, and Merritt Wever. She tells us that what we're about to see is the first attempt at last year's Christmas episode, which was canned after studio executives saw it. But due to popular demand, they've edited out the most offensive bits and are presenting it to us tonight. Frankly, this is all bullshit, but I could not care less. The thing that made me saddest about the bizarrely extended school year of seasons 4 and 5 was that it would rule out the chance of a Christmas episode this year. There's no other show in all of Christendom that gives us such seasonal delights as Sue playing golf with Will's Christmas balls, a recreation of Judy Garland's black-and-white holiday special, or a pair of half-brothers' Hanukkah spree across Los Angeles. So I'm just glad they found some reason to give us that Yuletide crack that has come to mean "Christmas" to so many of us.
Music room. Will is telling the kids (which, no, do not include any kids who were actually part of the show last year but have since departed) that the theme for the week is "Green Christmas." And that's because the powers that be have selected an ecological theme for the 50th annual classroom decorating contest. Tina and Sam are going to run the show, and Tina is hell-bent on winning, since the "antique handblown glass angel" prize is rumored to have magic powers that might allow her to become prom queen. Like that'll happen. Tina turns into quite the monster, stunning everyone with her demand that they quit all other holiday activities until they win that prize. Will cuts the silence by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and then Blaine tries to launch into "Joy to the World." But he's met with a unanimous chorus of "Shut up, Blaine!" Heh. Title card.
Coach Beiste calls to order "the McKinley High Non-Denominational Christmas Club." Which is made up of every member of the New Directions, plus a few hangers-on. Club vice-president Artie breaks the news (which he just received from Still Principal Figgins) that the McKinley manger scene has been completely defaced and destroyed. Tina panics about the pending cancellation of Christmas, but Artie reassures her that they're going to stage a living nativity. Artie and Coach Beiste have decided that New Puck should play Joseph, since "Joseph was a darkly tan Jew." New Puck, uncertainly: "Thank you?" Unique calls dibs on Mary, but New Quinn tells her "You can't. You're black, and you'd crush the donkey." New Boring Idiot Rachel throws her hand into the air and announces that she's a virgin. Since Unique is not the only one who wants to play Mary, Coach Beiste announces that auditions will happen the day. Left unanswered is New Puck's question, "Are nativities even allowed on school property?" Because let's not try to drag reality into this mess.
Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. Santana is "visiting" Kurt and Rachel, because she doesn't want to run into Brit-Brit in Lima (even though Brit-Brit is nowhere to be found in Lima). Kurt is opening her present to him -- it's a completely creepy mannequin styling head, just like the one he had as a wee little boy. But she's also got him tickets to visit Dildo Island. "It's a real place. It's in Canada. I got you the deluxe bachelor package." She busts him on acting like a boring maiden aunt instead of living it up in New York like the single boy he is. And then she tells us that she's spent about half of the money her mother gave her that would have allowed her to move to New York. Kurt wants her to save some money, and insists she stay in the Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. And then Rachel arrives to tell Kurt that she's booked them a seasonal gift as Santa's elves at some godforsaken Manhattan "mall." She's certain they'll get exposure to all the big Broadway celebrities, or at least their children, and even invites Santana to join them. It doesn't take much to convince them to do it. Rachel: "I'm going to be the best Jewish elf ever." I think there's a neurotic dentist who might already have claimed that title.
Sam and Tina are walking down the hallway planning their Christmas tree, which will be decorated entirely with found items pilfered from the West Lima Forest Preserve, when they are confronted by Becky, wearing a red elf hat with some greenery hanging from the brim. She tells them that by the law of mistletoe, she demands the right to "lick those Asian tonsils" and get frenched by Sam. They try to lay down the law, but Becky insists that her special needs give her the right to make demands on them. "And one of my special needs is mouth sex with your face." Tina still refuses, and Becky claims discrimination. Sue arrives in time to tell her that it is not, in fact, discrimination. She also tells Becky that she's wearing poison sumac on her face, and really needs to go to the nurse's office. After Becky leaves (with the keys to Sue's LeCar), Sue admits that she has been showing preferential treatment to Becky, and promises to stop. She also tells them that she's the judge of the Christmas decorating contest, so they'd better be prepared to lose.
God-forsaken Manhattan Mall. A mob of kids are gathered outside the velvet rope surrounding Santa's village, chanting for Santa to show up. Rachel and Santana both look pretty foxy in their sexy elf outfits, although Kurt should probably avoid wearing tights and felt shorts in the future. Santa finally arrives, but he's too busy sexually harassing the lady elves and planning to get blotto in the men's room to really care about doing his job. So he leaves our heroes with a mob of chanting kids. And what is it that soothes the savage breast (although, to be frank, the chanting kids are all too young for breasts, savage or otherwise)? Yes, it's music. In this case, a charming rendition of "Here Comes Santa Claus," performed by our three merry elves, with backup from a toy piano and some little people. (And no, you do not get links to videos for Christmas carols. What are you, ignorant?) And just when you think things are working out, the crowd turns even uglier, sending the elves fleeing from a torrent of thrown candy. Commercials.
Boring Idiot New Rachel approaches New Quinn at her locker and tells her that all the girls are planning a group audition for the role of the Blessed Virgin Mary. New Quinn has not the slightest interest in trying out with them, since she's on the "angry bitch" end of her nice/mean mood swings. In fact, she's not interested in auditioning at all.
Demian's Ancestral Homeland. Santana is taking a relaxing bubble bath when Kurt and Rachel call her on her cell -- she's ditched them during the middle of their Santa shift, and they need her to come back ASAP, since "Santa passed out in his own vomit and probably crapped his pants." They want Santana to come back and play Mrs. Claus. Santana: "No, you play Mrs. Claus, Lady Hummel. You were born to play Mrs. Claus. And Mrs. Butterworth, and Bea Arthur, and Barbara Bush." Kurt and Rachel resort to begging.
Music room. The kids dance and sing "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" while they decorate their tree. It's great that Will gets to sing with them, and there's a lovely moment when he pulls Unique off her chair and into a little dance with him. We see some other classrooms also being decorated. The jocks are covering their tiny tree with cups, jockstraps, and mouth guards. The stoners are decorating what looks to be a giant marijuana plant while chowing down on brownies. Oh, and those are the only other classes we see, I guess. At the end, the music room tree is covered with lights, twigs, and deer antlers.
Santa's workshop. The kids are close to rioting again when Kurt and Rachel enter the scene and introduce Mrs. Claus. Nobody's excited until Santana Claus emerges from behind the stage, looking foxy as all get out. Some of the dads in the crowd seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea of sitting in her lap. What follows is Santana being more and more inappropriate with the kids -- she criticizes one girl's gift request as "a little molesty," tells another kid to lose some weight, rejects one kid as looking "a little Jewish," and in response to one kid's request for an educational toy, tells him "Why don't we just get you an iPad? You can't even get porn on whatever it was you just asked for." It's exactly the kind of wildly inappropriate stuff that makes every Glee Christmas episode such a joy. While Santana Claus is ready for her first break, Kurt and Rachel are trying to cover up just how shocked and appalled they are.
Music room. Tina and Sam run in to tell everyone that Sue is coming to judge their tree. So they all stand up and hum "O Christmas Tree." Sue nearly faints from the diabetic shock brought on by this treacle, but she does examine their tree. She throws out hard questions to determine how environmentally friendly the tree really is, but Sam appears to have answers for every question. Until she points out that cutting down the tree robbed a red tree vole of its nesting habitat. But Sam has an answer for that too -- the kids have adopted the red tree vole and named him "Richie." Sue tells the kids that she expected Becky to win, but "she didn't really get the concept of green decorations." Smear sideways to Becky showing off her tree, which is just made of various green-colored items. Back in the music room, Sue is annoyed by the continuous humming, but not so annoyed that she doesn't tell the kids they have a strong shot at first place. Or, as Sue puts it, "I have to admit, for once, Glee Club, you haven't totally screwed everything up." Commercials.
Auditions for the living nativity, in the auditorium. Beiste, Will, and Artie are going to judge the auditions, while some other glee kids look on. And then we're presented with Tina, Boring New Idiot Rachel, and Unique singing Boney M's mashup of "Mary's Boy Child" and "Oh My Lord." They start out wearing these fur-trimmed white caps that look like choir robes, but they soon open the capes to reveal that Tina and Boring New Idiot Rachel are wearing white leotards, while Unique is wearing some kind of white jump suit. And I know I've harshed on Unique's costumes before... but girl, you need to make sure you have a waist! This is not a good look on you! But the performance is musically fun. Beiste is breathless afterwards, and asks if there are any other people to audition for the role. New Quinn gets up and walks away, although it's not clear at that moment if she's leaving or going to the stage to audition. Wait, these three idiots were the only ones auditioning? So what help was it to let them audition together?
Backstage at Santa's village. Rachel is freaking out about the mob of angry parents, and Kurt is convinced that they'll never work at the North Pole again. But then a shirtless dude in most of a Santa outfit rides down the escalator and tells them hope is not lost. His name is Cody... "but you can just call me Sexy Claus." Kurt, in particular, is eyeing him up and down (but mostly down, you know what I'm sayin'). Santana tells him to buzz off (even though she admits that "my girl loving vagina is feeling a little jingle bell from you.") Sexy Claus warns them about the risk of getting trampled, and they beg him for help. He seems to be offering to fill in for Drunk Claus, but before he does that he wants "to get to know my elves first." So his plan is to invite himself over to their house for dinner that night. And then he seems to walk away, I guess leaving them to deal with the angry mob on their own? Sure, why not.
Will is teaching a class when he is interrupted by Becky playing the chimes over the P.A. system. It's Sue, to announce the runners up and winner of the decorating contest. The New Directions win, of course, but Becky is pissed off that she didn't even make the list of runners up. So pissed that she throws the chimes to the floor.
Hallway. Will and Beiste post the cast list for the living nativity. We see various kids checking it out. Unique has been cast as Balthazar, Tina got Caspar, and Boring Idiot New Rachel is the BVM. New Quinn interrupts Boring Idiot New Rachel's happiness over seeing the list to ask her if she's worried about type-casting. Boring Idiot New Rachel asks New Quinn why she's being such a bitter pill, since it was her own choice not to audition even when she was asked to do so. It turns out that New Quinn considers herself too much of a fallen woman to play the Blessed Virgin Mary, since she's such a sincere Christian and all.
Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. Kurt is making Rachel take down the Christmas ornaments because he wants the pleasure of decorating the tree with Sexy Claus. Santana convinces Kurt to spike the egg nog, and then Sexy Claus arrives. He's wearing even less than he was earlier. Which is to say he's wearing the Santa pants, held up by suspenders, and the Santa hat. Did he walk down the streets of Bushwick dressed like that? Baby, ain't it cold outside? Kurt and the gang don't seem to have the same questions. Commercials.
Back at the loft, Sexy Claus is admiring how ridiculously comfortably these kids are living, considering that they're "struggling actors." Who never have to struggle for anything. He's admiring the vintage lamps and the LP collection. And then he unpacks his bag of tricks. "Well, I do all kinds of parties. Children's, bachelorette... bachelor." He's got all kinds of things in his bag, including helium and a gold lamé thong. When Sexy Claus hears that the kids all met in glee club, he has an idea, and he brings out the bottle of helium. Cut to the kids doing hits off helium-filled balloons while the opening notes of "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" play in the background. Sexy Claus takes on the role of Dave, the stern grownup, while Kurt is the Alvin of the bunch. It's an incredibly fun performance, mostly because Kurt is getting progressively drunker as it's going on, running around and snapping Santa's suspenders and grinding on him. All the while they're singing and dancing, Sexy Claus is clearly casing the joint. This guy wasn't hired for his subtlety. And they all finish the song drinking more spiked eggnog.
Tina and Sam walk down the hallway. Tina's carrying the hideously ugly plastic angel they won. A chastened Becky greets them and hands them each a gift. When they open the boxes, the find -- little vials with teeth in them. But they're not just any teeth. They're Becky's baby teeth, "to remind you of the pure innocent love of baby Jesus." Who, I'm led to understand, also walked around demanding that people make out with him. Becky's clearly sad about losing the contest, and her piteous demeanor seems to awaken some emotion in Tina and Sam.
Loft. Santana and Rachel cuddle on the couch and talk about how much they love Christmas. Rachel drunkenly suggests that Santana should move to New York, but Santana just doesn't see that ever happening. And then they hear the sound of cup being knocked over and go to explore. And what to their wondering eyes does appear, but a vision of Kurt making out with Sexy Claus. Sexy Claus assures the ladies that he's prepared to offer truly ecumenical service, but neither girl is interested. So they leave Kurt to get his skank on. But not before Santa gives them some more booze. Commercials.
Rachel wakes up, badly hung over. Santana is on the floor to her bed, in no better shape. Santana: "The last time I felt like this was when I was roofied as Lillith Fair." And they emerge from Rachel's bedroom to find all of their fine possessions stolen. They hear a muffled cry from Kurt's alcove and find him hogtied with ribbon and tree garland. It seems that Kurt declined Santa's request to role play as his Rudolph and Santa tied him up. "He did say it was sexy kissing me, 'cause it was like I had no teeth." I'm not even going to begin to guess what that's supposed to mean. The kids all feel horrible. I think they should feel lucky to wake up with all of their kidneys. And frankly, Kurt, you're not a true gay New Yorker until some cute guy has picked your pocket, stolen your drugs, or in some other way ripped you off.
Music room. Some of the kids are unpacking the props for the living nativity. Boring New Idiot Rachel has just told Blaine and Artie about New Quinn's confession (about not being good enough to play the BVM), and they're trying to figure out what the trick is. Blaine thinks that if they can get New Quinn to take the role of Mary, she might start to feel better about herself and not be such a mean girl all the time. They all agree it's worth a shot. They know just offering it to her won't work, but Unique has an idea. And then Sam and Tina tell the others that they want to give the decorating prize to Becky, since she's so horribly sad. Artie: "That walks a really fine line between being really sweet and horribly condescending." But Tina has something else they want to give Becky, so she can have one present that's really sweet and one that's horribly condescending.
Beiste and Will give the kids some direction for their first rehearsal for the nativity. Even though New Quinn doesn't have any role in the production, she's there too. New Quinn can't understand why Boring New Idiot Rachel is dressed as a wise man instead of Mary. That's because they gave the role to Unique, who enters in a spangled blue gown, her belly large with a pregnancy pillow. Tina and Boring New Idiot Rachel drop their outfits to reveal similar gowns underneath, and then the band launches into "Love Child," originally performed by Diana Ross and the Supremes. It is a thing of joy and a splendor to behold, especially when Unique goes into labor and delivers the child during the song and dances around with the baby in her hands. And the furiously shocked looks on New Quinn's face aren't bad either. Will starts giving the kids a few notes, but New Quinn can't believe they're going to go ahead with this blasphemous farce of a performance. "Mr. Schue, you cannot let this abomination happen to the most beautiful story ever told." And to make sure that doesn't happen, she offers to play the Virgin Mary. Which the other kids quickly let her know was the intent all along. Commercials.
Becky is admiring the glee club's Christmas tree when Sam and Tina enter the room and give her a bullshit story about how there was a recount on the contest and she turned out to be the winner. Oh, so I get it -- this is the horribly condescending part. Becky: "But my tree was a bag of diapers." But it doesn't take too much convincing for her to agree to take the plastic angel. And then Sam tells her that there's one part left in the living nativity that they think she'd be perfect for.
Verily Satisfactorily Hung Over Bushwick Loft. Kurt feels like an idiot -- he pushed his own boundaries and got taken advantage of. Santana thinks this is the reason she could never live in Bushwick. Well, as long as that's decided. Rachel enters and tells them that not only are they fired, but Sexy Claus stole everything of value that was part of Santa's workshop. Kurt thinks this failure will ruin their careers, but Rachel has another holiday gig lined up for them. Santana is not interested, until Rachel tells her that they'll be protected by bullet-proof glass.
Living nativity. The kids are fighting about who's holding the myrrh and who's holding the frankincense. And then Becky enters, wearing a little cradle around her head, making Jesus an enormous-headed freak. And the New Quinn enters in her BVM regalia. And the kids sing "Away in a Manger." And the gang in New York sing the same song as living mannequins in a window display. It's sappy, but it's all worth it for Giant-Headed Baby Jesus. Merry Christmas, y'all!
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time attorney and part-time frankincense tester. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.