It says something about the state of this show that a leaky gas line contributes more to this episode than any of the actual characters. Three out of four (!) of tonight's plots involve said leaky gas line, which is leaking into the choir room at McKinley.
In the only non-gas line story, Kurt books a gig for Pamela Lansbury. The rest of the group thinks the venue (a Broadway-themed piano bar) is a bad fit, but he has a vision of how it will go, which we get to see via his (non-gas-related) fantasy. In reality, only one person shows up. However, that lone audience member happens to have a connection that leads to a second gig for the band at a Brooklyn hotspot. So that career setback didn't even last for one episode.
In Ohio, Blaine tries to take control of the New Directions, but gets accused of being a puppet master. This naturally leads to a gas-induced fantasy sequence in which everyone else turns into puppets hanging on his every word. His new puppet obsession leads to him creating a Kurt puppet, with whom he can argue without having his infidelity thrown back in his face. Sue naturally hates puppets and confiscates puppet Kurt. Blaine gets detention when he's caught staging a commando raid to rescue puppet Kurt from Sue's office, leading him to have to miss Pamela Lansbury's debut performance. In the end, Blaine learns the error of his ways and makes puppets for just about everyone in the cast, including guest stars he may never have actually met.
Sue is up for evaluation by the school board. Things are going well until she realizes that the handsome new superintendent thinks she's a dude. This causes her to try to femme it up, to "hilarious" result. But then she turns to Unique for guidance, and comes across as a modern-day dynamo of feminine power. She gets a permanent appointment as principal, but gets shot down when she asks the superintendent out on a date.
Finally, in the tedious bullshit teen romance department, Jake continues to be a man-slut, working his way through the entire Cheerios squad. Bree has a pregnancy scare, and then dumps his toxic ass. And Marley still won't take him back.
Featuring old chestnut "Cheek to Cheek, often associated with Fred Astaire, sung here by Will and Sue; Madonna's "Into the Groove," performed by the boys and girls of Pamela Lansbury; a mashup of the Janet Jackson classics "Nasty" and "Rhythm Nation," performed by New Puck, Boring New Idiot Rachel, and New Santana; Ylvis's "The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)," performed simultaneously be everyone, everywhere; and Queen's "You're My Best Friend," performed by Blaine, backed up by Puppet New Directions.
We open on the New Directions farting around aimlessly in the choir room. Blaine enters and tells them that Will won't be able to attend rehearsal but still wants them to work on ideas for Nationals. This leads to a hubbub of poorly thought-out, quickly shouted out ideas. But Blaine shuts the chaos down and tries to impose his vision on the group, calling for simple arrangements with only piano accompaniment and himself on lead. When Tina accuses him of trying to turn the choir room into North Korea, he suggests they ditch instruments entirely and go a cappella. That suggestion is no more popular than the last.
Blaine Jong Il tells them that he's not trying to be bossy -- he's just trying to share the benefit of his experience. "I have won more show choir competitions than anyone in this room." Unless he was in some middle school show choir, I don't think that's necessarily true, as Artie and Tina were both members of the club that beat Blaine's old group on more than one occasion. New Puck suggests going along with Blaine's ideas, but he's the only one up for it. Blaine attempts to pull a Rachel Berry by storming out of the room, but he fails at that, too, throwing himself down on to a little settee just inside the choir room door and sulking.
Demian's Ancestral Homeland. Kurt has called the members of Pamela Lansbury together for a special meeting. Or, at least the named cast members who are also members of Pamela Lansbury, as none of the members of the band that make them a band are actually there, only the singers. Rachel is impatient in demanding to know what's going on, as she rescheduled her dialect session to be there. Which, I'm just not getting into how ridiculous this show is in its depiction of preparing for a major Broadway show. There's no way Rachel should have more than 10 minutes a day of unscheduled time at this point. Oh, I guess I did get into it.
Anyway, Kurt is there to tell them that he's booked them a gig -- at Callbacks, the piano bar which we last saw when Blaine broke all of our hearts and confessed his infidelity. Everybody except Rachel thinks this is a pretty horrible idea, as debuting at a venue known for its Broadway connections hardly seems to be the way to build an audience for a pop band. A band which, Kurt reminds them, will be doing covers of Madonna's greatest hits. The fact that they're back to that idea is news to everybody else as well. But Kurt won't hear their objections -- he has a vision of how their performance will go. A vision that we see, as the scene dissolves to his fantasy of them singing Into the Groove," complete with a teal, yellow, and melon wardrobe most likely last worn in the New Wave bat mitzvah episode of Square Pegs. The fantasy crowd is into the performance, which is quite fun. Kurt and Elliot in particular sound great together.
Kurt's vision is interrupted by his ringing phone. It's Blaine (or, as Kurt says, "my fiancé"), and he leaves the rest of the band to talk amongst themselves while he takes the call. Blaine's calling to complain about how ungrateful the rest of New Directions was, what with their refusal to do exactly what he said. Blaine responds with angry silence when Kurt uses the words "puppet master," but Kurt powers through and invites Blaine fly out to New York that Thursday after school to see Pamela Lansbury's debut. He even offers him a [Product Place Airline] voucher. So Blaine can afford to spontaneously buy a piano for the Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft, and struggling student Kurt also has enough money to give his boyfriend free plane flights? I need to get me a starving artist sugar daddy, is what I'm thinking.
The camera pans over to the Maharishi, in his spiffy but humiliating janitor's uniform. Sue busts him on missing a spot. After she insults his skills as a principal and a janitor, she expositions that the school board is inspecting the school to evaluate her, and that she fully expects to be offered the job she fraudulently stole from Figgins on a permanent basis. The last shreds of Figgins' dignity are only saved because Becky interrupts to tell Sue that the school board is waiting in her office.
In Sue's office, the Handsome New Superintendent (who is quite the silver fox) asks her why she wants to be principal. Sue: "Well, more than anyone I've ever met, I was born to be in charge." Truer words have never been spoken. She promises them that in one year, she can turn McKinley into the top school in the state. Is she aware of the caliber of students her school seems to attract? Not to mention the quality of her teaching staff? I'm just saying, Sue, don't write checks your extremely stupid students can't cash. The Handsome New Superintendent and his flunky are duly impressed. On the way out, HNS compliments her on her wall of trophies, and suggests they go out for a beer sometime. Sue asks him if he's sure that would be appropriate. HNS: "I don't think anyone would see a couple of guys going out for a beer as anything shady." So, he thinks Sue Sylvester is a dude. A dude with breasts and child-bearing hips. I guess it makes sense that the superintendent is a stupid as the kids and teachers. Sue is too shocked to correct him on his misapprehension.
Sue's kicking back in her office with Becky, each eating... a bowl of cereal? Or a bowl of milk and cookies? It's hard to tell. Sue asks Becky if she looks masculine. Becky: "You have an allure that goes beyond gender." Sue agrees, but admits that she's pretty bummed out that HNS mistook her as the potential star in the "sequel to Boys Don't Cry." Becky suggests she try wearing a skirt every now and then, but Sue tells her she tried that once. On her very first day of teaching, in 1986.
Cut to a hallway full of kids wearing the worst of '80s fashion. Sue, wearing a flowery skirt, pink lacy jacket, and pink lady tie, with a head of flowing hair, chastises two boys for playing video games in the hall. They ask who she is, and she introduces herself as the new cheerleading coach. One of them, laughing, asks her, "Do you bop?" Sue is shocked, shocked I tell you, to hear such an apparently inoffensive yet secretly dirty cultural reference from a student. She's saved by Figgins, who's wearing a rat-tail, who tells the kids to shove off with an Australian accent. Doing his best Crocodile Dundee, he advises her to try some pants. Cut to Sue in the Novak, putting on a track suit and flourishing some scissors. She emerges looking exactly as she does today, and then reintroduces herself to McKinley with one of her patented walking tantrums, strutting down the hallway and knocking students aside.
Back in the present, Sue tells Becky that once she saw how the world bowed before her, she had a track suit made in every color. Becky points out that everybody is already afraid of her, so it can't really hurt to girl it up a little bit. And that's how Becky "C"s it!
Blaine enters the apparently empty music room, puts his bag down on the piano, and then jumps with fright when he hears a voice saying "You're early." Blaine: "Gees! Brad! You scared the crap out of me! Warn me before you talk." That's right, Tinkles gets a line. In fact, he gets a whole bunch of dialogue, as Blaine complains how nobody at McKinley listens to him, all while ignoring Tinkles open up and spill about his online gambling addiction, his mounting debt, and his pending foreclosure. Blaine decides that if everyone wants him to sit down and shut up, he'll do exactly that. And he proceeds to do that right to a heating vent that is emitting a suspicious hissing sound. Blaine's speech slows down and slurs, until he's woken up by a Puppet Tina.
In fact, the room is full of Puppet New Directions, all of whom proceed to kiss Blaine's ass, apologize for rejecting his ideas, and promise to bow down before him in the future. And then the puppets beg Blaine to treat them to a song. So he sings Queen's "You're My Best Friend." It's fun, because puppets, but Blaine's voice is just a little too smooth for Queen. This song needs the slight throatiness that Freddy Mercury brought to his music. There is a funny bit where Blaine sits down on the piano bench and just shoves Puppet New Puck to the ground. At the end, Blaine is woken from his addled stupor by Real Flesh and Blood Tina. Everyone in New Directions is mad at him because he basically slept through rehearsal. Commercials.
You guys, Puppet Will was kind of hot. Is it wrong that I think that?
New Puck is running the Cheerios through some of his choreography. They suck and he's mean to them about it. As the Cheerios file out, it's clear from the way they look at him that he's fooled around with all of them. New Santana can't believe what a man-whore he is. If she's into him, I will be so disappointed. Vintage Santana would never fall for an idiot like this.
In the hallway, Blaine thanks New Puck for backing him up in the first rehearsal of the episode. But he's not actually interested in talking to New Puck -- he just wants to share his theories about the ghost-related and/or space-time breach activity happening in the choir room. Whatever it is, Blaine advises that New Puck sit in the back corner some time.
Music room. As New Puck enters, Will is telling the kids that while dance has never been their strong suit, he thinks New Puck can help them kick it up a notch. New Puck: "What's the point?" He's decided the idiots in New Directions can't possibly keep up with anything he might teach them, so it's not even worth trying. As he talks, he sits down to the hissing vent. Boring New Idiot Rachel tells him that his dancing is fine, not epic, so he should shut his conceited ass up. He offers to show her epic, and then launches into Janet Jackson's "Nasty," which starts in the music room (which is suddenly full of gyrating Cheerios) and then moves out into the hallway as New Puck follows Boring New Idiot Rachel when she leaves in a huff. And then it morphs into "Rhythm Nation," with some "Nasty" mixed in, shot in black and white in some kind of post-industrial wasteland. And while New Puck started the song, some of the best vocals in it are provided by Boring New Idiot Rachel and New Santana. Then New Puck is brought out of his trance by Figgins, who shouts out "Baby faced mocha teen boy, arise!" The rest of the glee club already left the room, muttering hateful comments about New Puck.
Some kind of art classroom. Blaine is there, and he stops the teacher walking across the room to ask if he can make a puppet, since Arts & Crafts is his senior elective. What the what? You know, I used to think that Becky was a welcome example of a special needs student who had been mainstreamed. But the more I learn about McKinley, the more I wonder whether the entire school isn't for special needs kids. It would explain so many things. Anyway, while the teacher finds the idea of an 18-year-old man who wants to make a puppet clearly disturbing, she gives Blaine permission to make a puppet of Kurt. But she shoots down Stoner Brett's request to "experiment with decoupage." Nice try, Stoner Brett, but you'll have to find glue to sniff on your own time.
Cut to Blaine walking down the hallway, holding a conversation with Puppet Kurt. Blaine: "I forgave myself a long time ago, I think it's time I forgave you now." Wait, Blaine thinks he needs to forgive Kurt for having the gall to be cheated on? Puppet Kurt doesn't find this as insane as I do. Blaine's descent into madness is interrupted when he sees Sue walking down the hallway in a track suit and high heels. She's tottering all over the place, and falls down in front of Blaine. He's the only student to come to her aid. But she's not grateful. To the contrary, she's profoundly disturbed that he touched her with a puppet. She tells him that she never wants to see the devil puppet in the school again, and he tells her, "You can't just ban puppets." Sue takes this as a challenge to her authority, brought on by her attempt to appear feminine. So she confiscates Puppet Kurt, and tells Blaine "If I catch you with your hand up the butt of anything that isn't human, you're in a world of trouble." Commercials.
Sue enters the music room, where she finds Will working on some solo dance moves. She's there to ask for a favor -- she's trying to impress Hot New Superintendent with her femininity, and she wants Will's help learning to walk and dance in her new shoes. Before making this request, Sue happens to sit down right to the hissing vent. Will only agrees to help her in exchange for the $600 he needs for new costumes for Nationals. So, Will is a gigolo, now? Sue rebukes his offer, since he wastes far too much money on full production numbers that will never be used in competition. Will leaves her to stew in her own juices, and the gas takes over, bringing her to a black and white fantasy in which she dances with Will to "Cheek to Cheek." Will is wearing white tie, while Sue is a vision in lamé and marabou. The fantasy ends when Becky wakes her up, and Sue has a puzzled look on her face.
Boring Teenaged Romance Angst. New Puck and New Santana are in an empty hallway together. He tells her, impatiently, that he doesn't want a girlfriend. She doesn't want him as a boyfriend. But she does have to break the news that she's pregnant. So when she sang "Rhythm Nation," was that about the birth control method she was relying on? In any case, she wants him to come to the doctor with her. Kids are so stupid. Especially these kids.
Sue's office, night time. Blaine, wearing a mask, sneaks into the office and picks the lock on the cabinet where Sue stuffed Puppet Kurt. Of course, he is caught by Sue, who delivers the following epic of Sue Sylvester-ness: "Well, well, well. If it isn't Miss Sally Field in Not Without My Puppet. Did you really think I was too stupid to suspect that you would come back here under the cloak of darkness to claim your monstrous puppet bride, you strange, tiny, doe-eyed pervert? Kindly remove your fist from Puppet Hummel's butt and place him gingerly on the desk. And now report to detention for the rest of the week." He pleads with her to let him go to New York to see Kurt's show, but she has no mercy. She tells him to leave, and feel shame. If only he knew how.
So, it's either later that week, or Blaine was breaking into Sue's office at the same time he was supposed to be flying to New York, because when Blaine calls Kurt, Kurt is in his dressing room at Callbacks, wondering if Blaine was able to get the will-call ticket Kurt left for him. Blaine, of course, is calling to tell Kurt that he can't be at the show due to puppet-related detention. Kurt's stupidly whiny about it, all while Blaine pictures him as Puppet Kurt. The call ends in a cloud of felt and recriminations. Rachel enters the dressing room, and Kurt tells her she can release Blaine's seat. But she tells him that's not really a problem, as only one person has shown up for their gig…and he's got a pile of Murder, She Wrote DVDs in front of him, because he's expecting to see a performance by Angela Lansbury. Commercials.
Sue has called Unique into her office. "When a woman of my stature needs a makeover, she rings up all her best gays. But unfortunately, Porcelain, the sassy toothless elf, is in New York. So, God's most fabulous mistake, I turn to you." So many things wrong with that sentence, but also so many things right about it. Unique lets all the insults pass her by and whips out her makeup kit, ready to bring some realness to Sue Sylvester.
Figgins is apparently running detention, which contains only Blaine, New Puck, and Becky. Figgins tells them that it's now 4:01 and that they have exactly eight hours to "ponder the errors of your pubescent ways." So detention lasts until just after midnight? How does this show continue to find new ways to surprise me with its moronic insanity? Figgins leaves, and Blaine suggests that they use the time to try to get to know each other. He's shot down by Becky, in her usual blunt manner. But then Blaine has another fantasy, in which New Puck and Becky are puppets who do want to share with him. It turns out that Puppet Becky is really Emilio Estevez, since she taped another student's buns together just to impress her old man. Blaine tells them he feels guilty about missing Kurt's show, since Kurt needs him. But Puppet New Puck and Puppet Becky blow smoke up his ass about how they all need him, since he is "America's gay sweetheart." Sorry, Blaine, but I think that job was just taken by Tom Daley. (I don't care that he's British. He's ours!).
Blaine tells them they're his only friends, but Puppet Becky points out that they're not real, they're just puppets. This causes Blaine to realize that the fact that he can only open up with fantasies that he can totally control is a sign that he is a control freak with serious mental health issues. Puppet New Puck asks him, "By the way, did you notice that you're now having puppet fantasies outside the choir room? That's not normal. Seriously, you might want to get a CAT scan." Blaine is woken by Human New Puck, who asks him to cover with Figgins if he comes back, because New Puck has to go to the doctor with the girl he knocked up. Except he leaves out that last detail.
New Puck finds New Santana in the hallway. She no longer needs to go to the doctor, because she got her period. I hope that's true and that she's not just hiding her pregnancy. Because she can't be both New Santana and New Quinn. That would be too much. And then she tells him that if he keeps man-whoring around, he's going to knock somebody up, and she would hate to be the person to have to deal with his toxic ass when that happens. Except she already kind of did have to do that. Anyway, the point is that she wants nothing more to do with him. Could that possibly be the end of all of these stupid teen romance plot lines? Please? Commercials.
Sue is a vision of modern professional femininity as she leads the school board on a tour of McKinley. Hot New Superintendent sidles up to her to apologize for the earlier confusion about her genitals. As she leads them into the choir room, Figgins interrupts the tour to point out that Sue has been ignoring a dangerous gas leak that has threatened the health and safety of the entire student population. Except that Sue's not a moron. As soon as she awoke from her gas-induced fantasy, she realized there was a problem, found the leak, and closed it off. Damn it, Sue! We were counting on that gas leak to kill the entire Ohio cast, allowing the show to focus on the interesting stuff in New York. Now you've ruined the rest of the season! The rest of the school board doesn't share my desire to see all of their students die, and they are thrilled with what they've seen. She's sure to get a permanent appointment as the school's principal. As they're about to leave, Sue asks HNS if he'd like to go on a date with her. And he would not. Because he is clearly blind. Or gay. Actually, if the latter is true, could someone give him my number? I could go for a silver fox who doesn't quite understand the difference between male and female.
Stage, in the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Blaine asks, "Am I okay? I mean, is this what it feels like to be losing your mind?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that question. The answer is "Yes. Yes, Blaine, this is what it feels like to be losing your mind." But he's not asking me. He's asking Puppet Tina, who is sexually harassing him. This uncomfortable scene is interrupted by Human Tina, wearing the same outfit as Puppet Tina. She's there to tell him that they all feel bad about making him feel bad for being a controlling monster, and they've decided to cave into his neuroses and give him the lead on one of the songs at Nationals. But she would still like him to take his hand out from under her puppet dress. Seems fair enough.
Crap. More teen romance angst. New Puck chases down Boring New Idiot Rachel to beg her to take him back. She's not interested. End of scene. Commercials.
Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. Kurt has called the Pamela Lansburys again. This time he has brought some apology cronuts. Except they're more like bragging, "I told you so" cronuts. Because the lone audience member at their show happened to have a nephew who works at a hip Brooklyn club, and he secured them a gig there. Can't these idiot children ever fail at anything? And then a hot delivery guy arrives with a big package. I mean, a big brown box. Get your heads out of the gutter, perverts. It's a gift from Blaine, to apologize for missing their gig. They seem kind of dumbfounded when they open it.
In the music room, Blaine apologizes to everybody for being a controlling monster. And to make it up to them, he's made a puppet of each of them. Blaine may be an insane control freak, but he's clearly a puppet making genius.
For no reason whatsoever, this leads to a performance of Ylvis's "The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)." It starts on the stage at McKinley, but due to some mysterious cosmic alignment, the residents of the Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft (plus Elliot, but not Dani) are also singing a song that hadn't even been released at the time this episode is set. Along with their puppets, while they're sitting around a board game. Because who doesn't take a puppet song break while playing a board game? Also, how did Blaine even make a puppet of Elliot? Have they ever met? I mean, I can't even with this show anymore.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time attorney and part-time fox interpreter. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.