Take Back The Cake, Burn The Shoes, And Boil The Rice

S04E14

Blockhead Will returns from Washington just in time for Batshit Emma to ditch him at the altar in the middle of their Valentine-themed wedding. Fortunately, her parents already shelled out huge amounts of cash for the reception, so everyone else gets hammered at the open bar, and vast amounts of refreshingly straightforward sex ensue -- specifically, between Old Rachel and Bloaty The Gravy Clown, St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine, Santana Lopez and Quinn, and Artie and Artie's Bitchy Wedding Reception Piece. The fallout from all of this will be gruesome, I'm sure, but bright side? We don't have to deal with it until month at the earliest.

Once back in New York, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway misses her period and scores what I sincerely hope is a false positive on her EPT. Oh, and Dean Geyer's a whore. Maybe. It's a scandal!

Featuring Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's "You're All I Need To Get By," as performed by New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, with backup provided by Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, New Finn, and Artie; a senselessly shortened yet immensely enjoyable "Getting Married Today" from Company, as performed by Emma, Will, and Mercedes; the habanera from Carmen, which appears as a leitmotif throughout the second half of the episode; "Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung, as performed by Wang Chung; Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine; Haircut 100's "Love Plus One," as performed by Haircut 100; the Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton version of Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight," as performed by The Horrible Hooker of Broadway, Bloaty The Gravy Clown, New Puck, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, St. Gay of Lima, Dreamboat Blaine, Santana Lopez, Quinn, Artie, and Artie's Bitchy Wedding Reception Piece; and Ellie Goulding's "Anything Could Happen," as performed by the children of The New New Directions, with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Artie, New Puck trading off on lead.

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Lima Bean. The coffee shop's looking quite festive with its explosion of pink-and-red heart-themed holiday decor, but alas! The Valentine's Day cheer seems completely lost on Bloaty The Gravy Clown, who's slouched over in one of the comfy-looking armchairs, picking at his fingernails while pouting in the general direction of The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway. She's back in town for this evening's heavily promoted matrimonial extravaganza, of course, though she's flying solo because Dean Geyer got "weirded out about going to a stranger's wedding." Remember that explanation for later. Oh, and by the way: For those of you keeping track of these things at home, Frankenteen's the only major character tonight who's never seen in shades of red -- even his saggy old-man boxers later on are black and blue -- so mad props to the costuming department for that one, I suppose.

Anyway, after some bitchy, passive-aggressive preliminaries, Old Finn admits he shoved his tongue down Miss Pillsbury's throat last week. Quite naturally, The Horrible Hooker is shocked and appalled, and she actually clutches at her nonexistent pearls as she whispers, "Did she kiss you back?" Bloaty The Gravy Clown hastens to note that Miss Pillsbury was "totally freaked out" by the whole thing, a fact that visibly relieves Old Idiot Rachel, and she delicately wonders if anyone's told Mr. Schuester. Frankenteen's pretty sure Miss Pillsbury's kept the news to herself, but he's also pretty sure he should let Mr. Schue know what happened. To her eternal credit, The Horrible Hooker tells Old Finn to keep that crap to himself and, after the two exchange a few words of little to no importance, she encourages him to keep playing "the role of the supportive best man," and rises to leave. I'd insert an appropriate rant here about Will choosing a nineteen-year-old former student as his best man, but Sue Sylvester's going to take care of that for me in a few scenes, so I'll keep my mouth shut instead. In the meantime, let's watch as Bloaty The Gravy Clown mopes his way straight into this evening's pink-hued title card.

McKinley High Guidance Office. Miss Pillsbury's on the verge of yet another grand mal seizure, wrestling with the wedding reception's intractable seating chart, when Frankenteen lurches into the room for what promises to be an incredibly tedious heart-to-heart. Fortunately, Miss Pillsbury's in no mood for that sort of bullshit, and she immediately shuts him down like so: "I don't have time for this -- seriously, this seating chart is like a giant Sudoku. Will wants his mother as far away from the bar as possible, and all of you Glee kids have dated so incestuously that I can't even remember who can tolerate who anymore." And before you get excited, Debra Monk will not be appearing in tonight's episode. Nor will Spy Daddy, Ralph Malph, or Ralph Malph's wife, for that matter, and no, I don't know why they couldn't snag the parents for an appropriate cameo this evening, so don't bother asking. In any event, Bloaty The Gravy Clown obstinately refuses to take the hint, and he starts babbling about what a horrible person he is until Miss Pillsbury finally snaps, "Get over it!" "If you really want to help me," she eventually adds, "then just keep a wide berth, and keep your mouth shut!" Mr. Schue pops his woefully oblivious head in at this awkward juncture to peck his visibly frazzled fiancée on the lips, after which he drags the miserable-looking Frankenteen over to...

...the music room, where the assembled children greet Mr. Schue's return with a variety of whoops and cheers. Mr. Schue promises he's back to stay -- yeah, we'll see about that -- and thanks Bloaty The Gravy Clown for all the fine work he didn't do to get the club to Regionals, then heads to his trusty whiteboard to announce this week's assignment: "Wedding!!!" Naturally, Mr. Schue's in charge of the entertainment at his reception, and naturally, he intends to save lots of cash by forcing the children to perform. God, I didn't miss him at all. First, though, Mr. Schue asks Frankenteen if he'd consider eschewing the traditional best man's speech in favor of a song or two. Old Finn has little choice but to agree. This should be awful.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Miss Pillsbury's practically on her hands and knees, scouring out Artie's locker while explaining she's seated her niece, "Betty," to Artie at the reception. "She's blonde," Miss Pillsbury notes, scrubbing away, "she's an amazing singer, and she has, um, very large..." "...feet?" Artie cautiously finishes for her. "Boobies," Miss Pillsbury corrects. "Oh!" Artie smiles, instantly intrigued, and the two proceed to chat about Miss Pillsbury's debilitating mental illness for a second or two until even the camera gets bored with it all and sweeps away to...

...see what's up with New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Long story short, she got him a Valentine's present because she's a desperate and needy girl, but he completely forgot about the holiday because he's a thoughtless and inattentive boy, and isn't this simply hilarious? Adding to the fun, New Puck LIES about the amazing gift he so totally remembered to buy her, because we've never seen a subplot like this on TV before ever, and after she bounces on off to Spanish class, the eavesdropping New Finn slides up to New Puck to dude, "Duuuuude! You did get her something, right?" "Not yet," New Puck admits, "but I've got some ideas -- I've been brainstorming with my brother."

Smear sideways to The Lima Bean, where a porkpie-hatted Old Puck is all, "She's got some kind of eating-disorder thing, right? Take her out to dinner! Save a bunch of cash, then you can use that extra money to buy a ton of different lingerie and have her put on a fashion show! Chicks love fashion!" Not as much as I love you, Old Puck. Not even close.

Smear back to the present, where New Finn offers to help New Puck out, mainly because New Finn is so obviously in love with him. Sorry, "her" -- New Finn is so obviously in love with "her." And while I'm lingering on a freeze frame of New Finn's remarkably broad shoulders, I gotta ask: Why does he wear his hair like that? His hair looks so sexy pushed back. Will someone please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Bloaty The Gravy Clown's sitting on the lip of the stage, riffling through sheet music, when The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway appears in the audience, because McKinley High has a security staff of zero. "Where have you been?" Bloaty bleats. "I asked you to come, like, an hour ago!" "I was getting a spray-tan!" Old Idiot Rachel replies in a line I completely missed the first time this aired, and hee! She's such a mess. Anyway, Frankenteen moans about the song he's supposed sing at the reception, telling her he's narrowed his options down to three possibilities: "Confessions," "My Best Friend's Girl," and "Lyin' Eyes." Excellent choices all, hon, but number two has a good beat and you can dance to it. I'd go with that. Old Finn complains that he couldn't possibly go through with the performance all on his own, so The Horrible Hooker volunteers to duet with him, because of course she does, and as they get a little too flirtatious with the subsequent banter for anyone's comfort, we head over to...

...Mr. Schue's History class. New Puck waltzes in with several members of The McKinley High Jazz Ensemble to interrupt Mr. Schue's fascinating lecture on bald eagles so he might serenade Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel with a song. A song chosen by New Finn, of course, who actually engineered this entire display because he's so obviously in love with New Puck. Sorry! Sorry -- "Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel." New Finn is so obviously in love with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel. I'm sure I'll get it right sooner or later. Anyway, New Puck and his backup singers -- New Finn, Artie, and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen -- look appropriately ridiculous in their velvet-trimmed fuchsia tuxedos (and where they found four pairs of matching Chelsea boots, I'll never know) as they launch themselves into "You're All I Need To Get By." And because every Marvin Gaye must have his Tammi Terrell, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel promptly hops up out of her seat to join them. Shockingly enough, their fellow students choose not to pelt them with garbage, probably because New Puck is working that choreography to death. It's a shame the camera never lingers on him for longer than a few seconds before cutting away to somebody else, because he's got these mid-'60s Motown moves down. And while I dump -- with good reason, mind you -- on New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's dumb storylines, I must give credit where credit is due: Jacob Artist and Melissa Benoist are goddamned delightful in this number -- it's easily the best of tonight's straight-up covers, and it's far more entertaining than at least one of this evening's narrative numbers. If these two can be so much fun here, why do they have to suck so hard everywhere else? Huh? HUH?

By Demian

Yeah, I'm not really expecting an answer for that one. And when it's over, and when the kissing and the hugging are done, New Puck slaps a high five in New Finn's direction, excitedly shouting out, "She liked it!" New Finn struggles to stifle his heartbroken sobs as he watches the love of his life canoodle with a girl. DAMMIT! "Another guy." New Finn struggles to stifle his heartbroken sobs as he watches the love of his life canoodle with another guy. Also: Commercial break.

Meanwhile, Artie wheels his way through the back of the church until he spots some blonde from The Glee Project. Because this blonde is also in a wheelchair, Artie automatically assumes she's Miss Pillsbury's niece for reasons I will never quite comprehend, and he rolls on over to make with the polite introductions. Unfortunately for Artie, Big-Boobed Betty's one hell of a frosty sow, and she immediately tells him to do them both a favor by wheeling himself away. "I don't date losers in chairs," she sneers. "But you're in a wheelchair," Artie replies, stating the ridiculously obvious mainly to set Big-Boobed Betty up for the following witty riposte: "I'm also blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school, and I've got this going on." "This," of course, being those supposedly gigantic knockers of hers. And you'll pardon me for pointing this out, I'm sure, but Big-Boobed Betty looks every single one of Ali Stroker's twenty-five years, so she can cram it sideways with that high school crap. Captain of the cheerleading squad, my ass.

Elsewhere, New Puck, New Finn, and Stupid Boring New Idiozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Cut to St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine getting frisky in the back of Blaine's Prius. Actually, "getting frisky" is far too coy a phrase for what's going on right now, because St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine are quite literally pawing the pants off each other. Atta boys. Mention is made of Meth Head Grandpa back in New York -- St. Gay's "not exclusive" with that shriveled bag of no, so the current hump session is A-OK, in case you care -- but their insubstantial chatter really is very far beside the point, here, and shirts are about to start flying when Mercedes flings open the door to shout, "Can you two wrap it up? The wedding's about to start, and I need my arm gays." And as St. Gay and Dreamboat Blaine frantically rearrange themselves into some semblance of dignified order, Mercedes smiles, "You do realize how trashy and blasphemous this is, right?" "Everybody hooks up at weddings," St. Gay hisses by way of reply, and with that, the three head into the church.

Bridal Locker Room. Emma hyperventilates at a mirror as the door opens ominously behind her, and it's Sue, wearing an exact replica of Emma's wedding gown. Just go with it. "Why would you do that?" Emma cries. "To get back at Will Schuester for handing a teaching position to a flabby nineteen-year-old," Sue replies, and that's as good a reason as any, I suppose, so let's keep this moving. As Sue settles into a nearby chair to snack on cucumber sandwiches and champagne, Emma flies into yet another panic attack, eventually admitting, "I'm just really, really worried this isn't gonna work." "Well, of course it isn't going to work," Sue duhs. "You're a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD, and Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children, and his best friend? Nineteen." Emma wheezes that her last marriage ended in disaster, and she adds that she's not certain she'll be able to cope if this one winds up in the toilet, too. "Don't say that to Will Schuester," Sue warns. "He'll have you singing a stripped-down acoustic version of 'I Will Survive' in front of a choir room full of teenagers with meaningful looks on their faces." It's funny because it's true. And as Emma spins around to heave a few more times at her reflection, some decidedly old-fashioned flashbulbs fire off one by one to kick us into...

By Demian

Elsewhere, New Puck, New Finn, and Stupid Boring New Idiozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Church. Aftermath. The guests have long since left, and Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Mr. Schuester sit on the altar steps, wondering what went wrong. Naturally, Frankenteen asks a number of leading questions, wondering without actually revealing anything incriminating if he was the reason Miss Pillsbury ran out at the last minute, but Mr. Schue's answers indicate he remains in the dark about that kiss last week. Eventually, Santana Lopez appears before them to announce, "I have been chosen -- probably because I'm numb to other people's feelings -- to come here and ask what you would like to do." Mr. Schue's all, "About what?" so Santana explains, "The reception -- Miss Pillsbury's parents say they paid for the whole thing, so we might as well go ahead and have the party." Solid plan. Especially if there's an open bar. "And if you ask me," Santana adds, entirely unbidden, "they seem pretty happy about what happened." Hee. Bloaty The Gravy Clown starts to protest that they couldn't possibly have a party, given what's happened, but Mr. Schue shuts him down -- in the most kindly of manners, of course -- and tells them to have fun before exiting in search of his would-be bride.

Reception Hall. Wang Chung's "Dance Hall Days" blasts away on the soundtrack as the camera swoops through a heart-shaped bit of topiary to follow Brit-Brit and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen onto the dance floor, where their exuberant gyrations send Santana and Quinn fleeing towards the free liquor. "We all should have known that a Valentine's Day wedding was just asking for a disaster," Quinn eye-rolls as the ladies approach the bar. Fortunately, the two have invested in a pair of fake IDs after that horrific Thanksgiving debacle at BreadstiX last November, and the bartender promptly passes them a pair of white wines. "You know," Santana playfully muses as the gals hoist their cocktails, "we always were two ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum -- maybe that's why we love each other so much." "I have to say," Quinn replies, "you are killing it in that dress." Quinn places a friendly hand on Santana's shoulder that lingers there just a moment too long. Santana darts her eyes down to the point of contact for an instant before bringing them back up to Quinn's face as she thanks her for the compliment. Santana then glares at Brit-Brit and Lady Lips and sighs, "Look at those romantic saps -- you know, they may have love, but you know what we are that they are not?" "Flawless," Quinn answers without missing a beat, and as the two laugh and clink their glasses together, the camera pulls back to follow a tray of hors d'oeuvres over to...

...New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, who are apparently just arriving at the party. Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel immediately darts off to pester Gaylord Wiener on the dance floor, leaving New Puck alone with New Finn, and long story short, New Puck's pretty sure he's getting laid tonight. He even rented a room in the hotel upstairs and everything! New Finn looks deeply pained because the person he loves more than anyone else in the world is about to stick it into a girl -- yeah, you can fix that one yourselves -- but he keeps up with the Cyrano de Bergerac thing he's had going on all evening anyway, passing New Puck a holiday-appropriate trinket to give to Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel. New Finn watches from afar as New Puck hands Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel her present, then dies a little inside when the love of his life plants a great big sloppy wet one on her lips.

Cue Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine, because God knows this wedding reception isn't nearly queer enough as it is. Surprisingly, they choose not to have all other action grind to a halt while the boys prance and preen on the stage, instead letting the music fade into the background while the camera drops in to check on various other characters, with a sour-looking Frankenteen first amongst them. He's quarantined his miserable self on the far side of the room and mopes all by his lonesome until The Horrible Hooker stops by to insist he wasn't responsible for that afternoon's catastrophe at the church. Old Idiot Rachel manages to draw Old Finn out of his funk, and as she hauls him up onto his ungainly feet for a spin or two around the dance floor, the camera circles high above the crowd for a moment or two before swooping down on...

...a fantastically embittered Single-T Tina, scowling at Dreamboat Blaine and St. Gay Of Lima's merry antics on the stage while sucking down an absolutely enraging cocktail. Hee! And at that, the camera circles high above the crowd again until it decides to zoom in on...

...overeager Artie and Big-Boobed Betty. She's no more pleasant than she was before, of course, but because he finds her "oddly compelling," he asks her to dance. Because the script says she must, Big-Boobed Betty agrees, and the camera circles high one more time before...

...cutting to a slow-motion montage of various characters shimmying across the dance floor, including New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Bloaty The Gravy Clown and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway, Overeager Artie and Big-Boobed Betty, Brit-Brit and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and Gaylord Wiener. Meanwhile, over at the bar, Santana and Quinn have boisterously moved on to shots, while Coach Sylvester seems to be getting quite toasty on the vino alone. Atta girls.

And when the song and the montage are done, Dreamboat Blaine disappears boozewards, leaving St. Gay Of Lima to pounce upon the baby cupcakes on display all by himself. As Haircut 100's "Love Plus One" begins playing in the background, a still-enraged Single-T Tina takes this opportunity to scamper on over and bark, "I don't like the way you treat Blaine -- there! I said it!" St. Gay gets all, "Who, me?" in a very nonverbal way while Single-T Tina continues, "You're here, you're in New York, you're at Vogue.com, you're at NYADA -- who are you? And meanwhile, Blaine's here, lonely, and yes, he cheated, and we're all human -- we all deserve to be loved back!" She so unhinged. And I love it. "Tina," St. Gay interrupts, "I say this with total love, but what we all saw coming is finally here: You're a hag. You're hagged-out, you're in love with Blaine, and it's creepy. Stop." "What do you know about love?" Tina howls back at him. "You just come and go!" she adds. "Who's been here to support him?" she demands. "Me! Who took him to Sadie Hawkins? Me! Who put him in bed when he got sick and rubbed VapoRub on his little muscly chest while he slept?" "What?!" St. Gay interjects, appalled. Tina instantly realizes she's been busted and stammers, "What? No! I didn't mean...!" before shouting, "This isn't about me, Kurt! I have to go!" And as she spins on her heel to flounce off with whatever's left of her dignity, St. Gay shrieks, "Did you VapoRape my ex-boyfriend? Don't walk away from me, Tinacohenchang!" Hee. Procter & Gamble must love this show right about now.

Elsewhere, Carmen's habanera kicks in again as Coach Sylvester steps up to the microphone, snaps her fingers to pull one of the spotlights over, and announces, "Today's the day we honor Saint Valentine -- a man publicly beheaded for defying his government -- by exchanging candies and chocolates to nonsensically render the objects of our affection more fat and less attractive. And in other nonsensical traditions, Emma left behind her bouquet as she fled the scene, leaving it to somebody else to toss these soon-to-be-dead flowers under the mythical belief that whoever catches them will magically become the person to get married -- or, more than likely, to sprint from the altar -- so gather 'round, single ladies, and allow me to be the one to enable your false dreams and ridiculous expectations!" Yeah, she's drunk. In any event, the various single ladies -- plus Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, hilariously enough -- gather 'round for the bouquet toss, and Coach Sylvester launches the thing up through the air and right into...

...The Horrible Hooker's arms! Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaaaah! Old Idiot Rachel at least has the good sense to look embarrassed about it all, and as Old Finn and Old Puck grin and leer at her, respectively, from the sidelines, she shyly ducks her head down into this evening's commercial break.

Back from the break, Old Idiot Rachel emerges from the ladies' room to find Old Finn waiting for her on the balcony above the main reception hall, and the scene that follows is just excruciating, so I'll be skipping through most of it to get to the point: Long story short, Bloaty The Gravy Clown's bombed, and he plays a little game of She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not with a daisy he's plucked from Emma's bouquet, all the while calling into question Old Idiot Rachel's relationship with Dean Geyer. Instead of telling him to blow it out his flabby ass, Old Idiot Rachel patiently waits until he's run out of steam, then escorts him down to the stage for their promised duet, which is the Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton version of Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight," and color me shocked, but it's not that bad. Again, it probably helps that they once more allow the music to fade into the background while the camera circles the room to drop down from time to time on the other people present. It also probably helps that they didn't have to Auto-Tune the living shit out of Cory Monteith's vocals on this one. In any event, among the couples on the floor are Santana and Quinn, and when we stop by to listen in on their conversation, Quinn confesses, "I've never slow-danced with a girl before. I like it." Santana smiles back at her, and I have to admit, I love where this is going.

I'm a little less enamored of what's happening on the stage at this moment, but whatever. We all knew it was coming sooner or later, so we might as well just go along with it. At one especially dramatic moment during the song, Old Idiot Rachel reaches out to grasp Old Finn's hand, and there's an instant cross-cut to those same hands swaying back and forth as Old Finn and Old Idiot Rachel make their way down a hallway in the hotel above, heading to the room they've rented for the evening. The moment they disappear behind their door, St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine pop up along the same length of hall to pick up the ongoing song's vocals until they reach a room of their own, after which New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel start singing where the boys have left off, and it keeps going like that through Quinn and Santana (giddily plastered and absolutely adorable) and Overeager Artie and Big-Boobed Betty (she's got a lovely voice, from what little I can hear of it) until all five couples are safely ensconced behind Do Not Disturb signs. And as the song reaches its end, we rejoin Frankenteen and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway to watch as they strip down to their scanties before hopping into bed. In the dark, so Bloaty The Gravy Clown doesn't see her naked, because Old Idiot Rachel's a frigging basket case.

A few minutes later (I'm guessing), everybody's done, and we check in first with St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine, the latter of whom's quite happily making a bigger deal out of their little tryst than he probably should, given St. Gay's carefully noncommittal reaction to it all. And once they've finished with their little postcoital chat, St. Gay discreetly exits their hotel room on his own, leaving Dreamboat Blaine to merrily flop back onto the bed...

...just as Quinn does the same over in her room. "So that's why college girls experiment," she jokes. "And thank God they do," Santana titters back. "It was fun," Quinn admits, feeling chatty for whatever reason, "and I've always wondered what it would be like to be with another woman, but -- I don't know -- I think for me it was a one-time thing." "Look, you don't have to worry," Santana assures her. "I'm not gonna show up at your house with U-Haul." Quinn laughs a bit at that, and she picks up a handy bottle of water to rehydrate as she wonders what happens . Santana suggests Quinn could walk out first...or they could stay where they are and "make it a two-time thing." Make it a two-time thing. Trust me on this one. And you can thank me later. Quinn gets a frisky sparkle in her eyes and slams down the water bottle...

...just as Overeager Artie does the same over in his room. "Was it good for you?" he asks. "I don't know," Big-Boobed Betty replies. "You?" "No idea." They hold each other's gaze for a moment, then burst out laughing. And in another tricky little transition, the camera slides from their bed...

...over to New Puck's in his room. Both he and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel are fully attired, because they didn't Do It, because they are morons. And as they exit to head back to the dance, the camera follows along until they pass by...

...The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway, who emerges from her suite's bathroom fully attired to gather up her belongings from the bed. Bloaty The Gravy Clown's passed out and snoring, so Old Idiot Rachel leans in gently to kiss him on the back of his head before turning to vanish into this evening's commercial break.

My Ancestral Homeland. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway enters the loft to find Dean Geyer waiting for her, and he's decorated the place in her absence so they might enjoy a belated Valentine's Day together. By the way, not once has anyone mentioned Santana's trip to Brooklyn at the end of last week's episode, which makes me wonder -- again, some more -- why they shoehorned that particular subplot into that particular episode, but whatever. Last week blew, and this week's been bizarrely entertaining, so I won't dwell. In any event, Old Idiot Rachel and Dean Geyer make schmoopy noises at each other and mack, and for some ridiculous reason, Dean Geyer immediately knows she spent a night with her old boyfriend. He proceeds to lecture her on the need for honesty in an open relationship -- which: Good point -- and after she breezily admits to her little assignation back in Ohio, he thanks her for her candor. "And what about you, huh?" she teases. "Who did you see, who did you do? I'm sure there were a lot of lonely girls in New York City on Valentine's Day..." "I stayed at home and watched weightlifting videos," he swears.

By Demian

Cue the sideways smear to Dean Geyer exiting a pricey seventh-floor prewar apartment, pausing long enough to thumb through the hundreds he picked up from the dresser before disappearing down the hall.

Smear back to the present, but none of what follows matters because DEAN GEYER'S A WHOOOOOOOOOORE!

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina apologizes profusely to St. Gay Of Lima for "attacking" him at the reception, then apologizes profusely to Dreamboat Blaine for throwing herself at him over the last couple of weeks. They kindly tell her not to worry about it, and invite her to a double feature of All About Eve and Showgirls at "the revival house" that exists nowhere in Lima, Ohio. Single-T Tina wails something about turning into "Hagatha Christie," but the boys hasten to assure her that she's the most fabulous hag who ever hagged hagdom, or whatever, and the three links arms to trot off towards their wacky adventure together.