"What A Lovely Voice, But Who Cares?"

S04E13

In Ohio: Bloaty The Gravy Clown's worried his current crop of kiddies lack the sort of incendiary levels of egomania that rocketed their immediate predecessors all the way to Nationals, so Emma suggests he resurrect Diva Week as a way to toughen the children up for the round of competition. Frankenteen of course runs with this idea -- well, he lurches and lumbers around in circles with it, actually, but you know what I'm talking about -- and after we spend far too long focusing on the children's various romantic entanglements (Single-T Tina's still wasting her life pining away over Dreamboat Blaine, and Santana Lopez returns from Kentucky to throw down with Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen over Brit-Brit's addled affections), Old Finn ends up awarding the diva trophy to Tina, mainly because Blaine was the only other person who actually bothered with the assignment this week.

In New York: St. Gay Of Lima has suddenly decided it's time to douse The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's incendiary levels of egomania, so he challenges her to a totally ancient top-secret Fake Drama School In New York tradition known as "Midnight Madness" that in no way resembles the totally ancient top-secret Barden University tradition known as "The Riff-Off." And even though Lea Michele clearly out-sings Chris Colfer during their subsequent showdown, St. Gay wins anyway, and the two end their little spat or tiff or whatever the hell it is by...promising to be better friends in the future? I'm guessing, here, because I'd completely zoned out by the end of it.

In Other News: Will's set to return for his wedding, which might not happen now that Old Finn's slobbered all over the bride-to-be, and Santana Lopez moves to New York. Can't wait to see how they fuck that one up.

Featuring Beyoncé's "Diva," as performed by Not-So-Unique, Brit-Brit, Single-T Tina, Dreamboat Blaine, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, and Kitty, all of whom look faaaaaaa-bulous during the number; Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and the hat he stole from Mr. Slave; "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike & Tina Turner, as performed by Santana Lopez and a flock of Lady Birds from Louisville; "Make No Mistake, She's Mine" from Kim Carnes and Barbra Streisand by way of Kenny Rogers and Ronnie Milsap, as performed by Santana Lopez and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen; "This Thing" from That Musical I Hate, as performed by The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and St. Gay Of Lima; Madonna's "Hung Up," as performed by Single-T Tina outdoors, in the middle of winter, in the middle of Ohio, because this show isn't even trying anymore; and "Girl On Fire" by Alicia Keys, as performed by Santana.

"Look at her," a contemptuous St. Gay Of Lima sneers via voiceover as The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway trills through a run of suspiciously high notes in front of a classroom of her enraptured peers. "This class is supposed to be free sing for everyone," St. Gay's Voiceover continues, "but Rachel hasn't stopped screeching like a third-rate Maria Callas since the bell rang." St. Gay has positioned himself far away from the rest of Rachel's eager audience, practically hugging the classroom's back wall, the better to seethe and sulk all by his superior lonesome as His Voiceover cattily snits, "Because I'm her best friend, I can say this: Rachel's always been a little insufferable, but ever since she won Winter Showcase, her ego and behavior are out of control!"

Cut to The Improbably Bohemian Loft, where St. Gay suffers in eye-rolling silence while The Horrible Hooker hogs the bathroom. "At home," His Voiceover carps, "she uses up all the hot water, leaves rings in the tub, and don't get me started on the hair extensions clogging the sink!"

Cut back to Fake Drama School In New York, where St. Gay's Voiceover crabs, "At school, she eschews my company and instead surrounds herself with easily-awed sycophants." The camera passes from St. Gay -- here again self-isolated against a far wall in the middle of some beige-toned student lounge -- to take in The Horrible Hooker and two of the sycophants in question, the first of whom shrieks something excited about an open casting call for the long-awaited revival of Funny Girl. With an extravagant show of modesty, The Horrible Hooker claims she couldn't possibly hold a candle to the show's incandescent original lead, which prompts the second sycophant to insist she audition immediately, as everyone knows she's "Barbra's heir-apparent."

Cut again to My Ancestral Homeland, where The Horrible Hooker holds up a series of pre-written signs informing St. Gay she'll not be answering her product-placed iPhone this evening, as she's saving her voice, and would he mind, terribly, taking down messages for her? "On some level," St. Gay's Voiceover hisses, "I always knew this would happen -- that as Rachel's star rose, so too would her prima donna-like tendencies."

Smear once more to the classroom from the top of this sequence. The Horrible Hooker finishes her aria, or whatever the hell it was, and as she basks in the ecstatic approval of her peers, the conniving St. Gay Of Lima shoots daggers at her through slitted eyes as His Voiceover, dripping with disdain, concludes, "Yes, it's become clear to me: This Sarah Brightman-in-training needs to be knocked down a few pegs, and I'm the only one who can do it!" Oh, blow it out your ass, you whiny little bitch. Also: Tonight's title card.

McKinley High Teachers' Lounge. As Bloaty The Gravy Clown pours himself a cup of coffee, Emma worries herself into a mini-tizzy over her much-delayed wedding plans at one of the tables, and as I had completely forgotten about this completely abandoned subplot until right this very second, I have zero desire to spend any time with it at all this evening, so: Long story short, Will's returning from Washington week to marry Emma on Valentine's Day. Everybody feeling all caught up, now? Good.

Naturally, news of Will's imminent arrival makes Frankenteen fret about losing the job he's not getting paid for in the first place. Emma kindly assures Old Finn that Will probably won't be kicking him out onto the street anytime soon, what with the masterful way Bloaty conspired to silence their Sectionals competition.

With that out of the way, the two settle down to chit-chat about Regionals, and basically, Frankenteen's convinced this year's members of The New New Directions lack the ability and drive to "bully" the other teams off the stage as their predecessors supposedly did in the past. Emma considers that for a moment before suggesting "a lesson that toughens them up. "Weren't there weeks where Will had you competing against each other?" she wonders. There were, indeed. Far too many to link, actually, but that doesn't really matter at this point because what does matter at this point is the fact that Bloaty The Gravy Clown quickly agrees it would be an excellent idea to pull that same kind of crap tonight. Would Miss Pillsbury agree to be their "special celebrity guest judge to help decide who wins"? Of course she would!

Cut to the music room, where Miss Pillsbury scrawls the word "DIVA" in gigantic letters on the whiteboard while Bloaty The Gravy Clown opens things up by claiming that this evening's Diva Week is "all about finding your inner powerhouse." Sounds kinky. Frankenteen then turns the proceedings over to Miss Pillsbury, who cites the Internet in order to define the term "diva" like so: "A fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass ho, and she does not sweat the haters." Artie and Not-So-Unique nod solemnly in agreement with this while New Puck mopes -- loudly -- that The Glee Guys are getting screwed over this week. Dreamboat Blaine, ever helpful, shoots forward in his seat to remind everyone that men can be divas, too, though for some incomprehensible reason, he neglects to add, "And I should know -- I dated one for two fucking years."

And as Miss Pillsbury descends into an oblivious and lengthy lecture detailing the many restaurant-related travails of her own inner diva, Urethra Franklin leans in to school the other children up in the cheap seats like so: "Y'all might as well just quit while you're ahead, because there are only two ways to spell Unique, and one of them is D-I-V-A, okay?" "Shantay, I stay," Not-So-Unique continues, addressing what follows primarily to Single-T Tina, "and it will be brought, dished out, and served and mopped up by the time you even pick out a wig!" Hilariously, Artie's face goes all, "Ooooh! No, she better don't!" while Single-T Tina tosses back a little shade of her own by asserting, "I have more diva in my little finger than you have in your whole angry inch!" Ouch! Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel tries to join in on all the fun by calling Single-T Tina out on all the trash the latter's been talking since the school year began and, after Dreamboat Blaine and Our Dear Miss Brit-Brit add their respective two or three cents to the conversation, Urethra unhinges her lower jaw to blast us all into...

...a shamefully fun fantasy sequence that also just happens to be this evening's first big musical number. Brittany, Not-So-Unique, Single-T Tina, Dreamboat Blaine, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, and Kitty rise from their seats and prance right on out of the music room while singing Beyoncé's execrable "Diva," and while you couldn't pay me to endure more than three seconds of the all-too-serious original video, I have zero problems watching this show's far more entertaining take on the song over and over and over again. Yeah, they basically lifted the whole backstage-bitchery-to-catwalk-fierceness thing directly from George Michael's "Too Funky" clip, but it works, so whatever.

After stomping out of the music room, the primary kiddies involved are magically transported to the wings of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where they primp and preen for the devastating show to follow, all the while unloading several metric tons of attitude upon their beleaguered assistants, here being played by Artie, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and New Finn. Brittany in particular unleashes an especially severe -- and especially hysterical -- beatdown on New Finn for some perceived slight or another, and then it's out onto the stage proper, where the six strut through a phalanx of flashbulbs down the magically-appearing runway in a range of couture-inspired costumes that range from the flat-out fugly to the ridiculously divine. (Brittany and Blaine look exceptionally good, here -- letting the curl back into Darren Criss's hair does wonders, and Heather Morris owns that motherfucking catwalk.) The would-be divas strike one last fantabulous pose, and almost before we know it, we're...

...slammed back to the music room, where Miss Pillsbury's just now finishing her little lecture with a bright and perky, "And that is how I made the manager cry at The Cheesecake Factory: By being a diva!" The children offer her a polite round of applause.

The Horrible Hooker's Bushwick Bordello. After a few bitchy preliminaries, The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay Of Lima descend into a screaming match that basically boils down to this: According to St. Gay, The Horrible Hooker has turned into a "self-righteous" hag "on steroids," and according to The Horrible Hooker, St. Gay is jus jelass. It all ends up with St. Gay challenging The Horrible Hooker to a vocal duel at something called "Midnight Madness," which The Horrible Hooker strongly advises against -- after all, didn't she already beat him in a head-to-head sing-off? Much to my delight, St. Gay reveals he intentionally threw that little competition all those many years ago to protect his father, and Rachel's subsequent nervous breakdown is a joy to behold. "That was my first big win!" she howls in protest. "That was the foundation that I built all of my confidence on for the last two years!" "Consider it cracked," St. Gay snots, adding, "Get ready for Diva-Off Part Two -- and this time, I'm not throwing anything." Rachel gapes. Heh.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina delivers a homemade "cold-buster kit" to the mildly ailing Dreamboat Blaine, but it's clearly just an excuse for her to steal a few moments alone with the object of her staggeringly inappropriate affections. Oh, Tina!

Music Room. Dreamboat Blaine is the first of the children to perform for Diva Week, and with zero introduction, he hurls himself into his version of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." Unfortunately, he's dressed like some bedazzled Miss Junior Teen IML contestant, and the song's not one of my favorites to begin with, so the entire performance is pretty much a wash as far as I'm concerned. Everyone on my television screen seems to be enjoying it, though, so there's that. And when it's done: Commercials! Yay!

Back from the break, we head back into the music room, where Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Miss Pillsbury introduce this week's special guest diva, Santana Lopez! What in hell is she doing here? I mean, God knows I love the gal, and her high-energy performance of Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits" is certainly diverting enough, what with the quartet of big-haired Louisville cheerleaders she dragged along as backup and everything, but seriously: What the hell is she doing in Lima?

Trying to guilt-trip Brit-Brit for hopping into the sack with Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, as it turns out, and no, I am not kidding with that. Barely has Santana wailed out the last note of her song when she starts in with the sad, sorry tale of how cruelly she was informed of Brittany's new romance -- not by Brittany herself, but rather by a singularly bitchy Single-T Tina -- and once she's done with that, she introduces everyone to her new "out-and-proud, lipstick-loving, After Ellen-reading girlfriend," Elaine. Brit-Brit looks a little emotional. Meanwhile, the other children whoop and holler when Santana and Elaine kiss because they're insensitive little shits.

Fake Drama School In New York. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway asks her boyfriend to explain the whole Midnight Madness concept to the audience, and he obliges by calling it Fake Drama School's version of Fight Club, only with singing instead of punching. "Twice a year," Dean Geyer exposits, "we break into a classroom for a no-holds-barred sing-off to the death." Don't make me promises you're not about to keep, honey. Can you imagine an actual sing-off to the literal death? That would be fantastic. Which of course means we won't be seeing it tonight. In any event, the winner of Midnight Madness gets "ultimate bragging rights" for the remainder of their time at Fake Drama School, while the loser gets "shamed and humiliated," and while I appreciate any attempt to broaden the world they're trying to create for these characters in New York, this seems like a pretty piss-poor effort as far as that's concerned. I mean, didn't Rachel already snag "ultimate bragging rights" for the remainder of her time at Fake Drama School thanks to her winning Winter Showcase performance a couple of months ago? So, what's up with all of this bullshit here?

Whatever. I don't particularly care, especially because I'm certain they're going to forget this storyline ever happened the instant this episode's over. The Horrible Hooker's sycophants materialize long enough to lob a few insults at St. Gay Of Lima, the latter of whom just happens to be strolling past at this very moment, and awkwardness ensues until the scene just sort of ends.

McKinley High Guidance Office. Emma places two pamphlets on her desk -- one of them winningly entitled "You Won't Be Alone Forever...Probably!" -- and settles back for a chat with Bloaty The Gravy Clown regarding the latter's nonexistent love life. Because I still don't give a rat's ass about the boring romantic entanglements on this show, I'll skip ahead to the bit where he helps her select a centerpiece design for her wedding reception and... that's it? That's all there was to this scene? Yawn.

The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen enters from the wings to find a fierce-looking Santana Lopez already waiting for him on the stage, and they proceed to snipe and snarl at each other for a few very long minutes over The Brittany Situation, after which Santana challenges him to a sing-off of their very own right there, right now. Of course, the biggest problem with this is the fact that there's no one else around to judge who wins, so I'm not certain at all what the point of any of this is supposed to be, and is it just me, or did this episode's structure just fall completely to shit after the first commercial break? This Santana stuff is coming in from out of nowhere, the Midnight Madness subplot became utterly pointless in a matter of seconds a couple of scenes ago, no one gives a shit about Old Finn's love life... I mean, I get that this is just a filler episode, and that we're all simply marking time until week's Valentine-themed wedding extravaganza, but didn't they used to put a little more effort into these things in the past?

Feh. Again: It's not like I really care, so whatever. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Santana Lopez sing the Kenny Rogers version of Kim Carnes's "Make No Mistake, He's Mine," and while Naya Rivera looks fantastic in that curve-hugging light purple frock of hers, I can barely remember the song once it's done.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina loiters amid the lockers, infuriated that Santana Lopez has once again swooped in from out of nowhere to steal her thunder, and through an angry voiceover she insists she deserves better for herself. Her mood lightens considerably, however, when she catches sight of Dreamboat Blaine blowing snot into a delicate hankie at the far end of the hall, and Tina's Voiceover swoons, "Look at him! He's like a precious Tiger Beat Shrinky Dink, with his dark, Pound Puppy eyes, and his...!" Tina's Voiceover cuts itself short at this point because even Tina's Voiceover realizes how pathetic and lonely it sounds, but for whatever reason, this fails to deter Actual Tina from swooping down upon the ill Dreamboat Blaine to offer him some Vicks VapoRub to ease his congestion. "You're so sweet," Blaine sighs, genuinely grateful. Unfortunately, his kind words do little more than send Single-T Tina into a deeply depressed funk, and as she slumps against the wall, she moans, "I don't wanna be sweet! I wanna be the girl that kicks in the door and makes demands and gets what she wants!" So, she wants to be Season Two Mercedes, then? We'll go with that. I mean, they've already got her reliving Mercedes's Season One plotlines, so they might as well have her recycle it all. Pity I don't remember what happened to Mercedes in Season Three, though. If I did, I could just skip over Tina's stuff for the rest of the year.

And then, to make matters worse, she straddles his sleeping form, unbuttons his shirt, and gently works some of the VapoRub into his freshly-waxed chest. That done, Tina wipes away the bitter, bitter tear now trickling down her cheek, snuggles up to him in the bed, and... listens to him snore for the five or six hours? I guess. Poor Tina.

Fake Drama School In New York. About thirty or so students -- including The Horrible Hooker's sycophants and St. Gay's Meth Head Grandpa -- file into a classroom to listen as Dean Geyer explains the Midnight Madness rules to the audience: One song at a time, two singers per song, with the winner of each round chosen by a simple majority vote. With those preliminaries out of the way, Dean Geyer calls The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay to the front of the room and presents them with their randomly selected number, which is this thing from the one musical I hate above all others. St. Gay's up first, but that doesn't really matter because they end up cutting between the two throughout to save on time, and while I can't stand the song at all -- AT ALL -- even I can tell that Rachel clearly outperforms St. Gay. Clearly. I mean, it's not even close, here. In fact, it's a little insulting when St. Gay ends up winning, anyway -- because of course he does, because this subplot would have even less of a point if he lost -- but as I am only too eager to put this episode in my rear-view mirror, I'll choose not to dwell, and instead zip ahead past this evening's commercial break to land in...

...Coach Sylvester's office, the following morning. "What is with you Glee Club ex-pats?" the lady of the office growls through clenched teeth. "Don't any of you have jobs?" she wonders, turning to face Santana, who's taken a seat in front of the desk. "You have to have some source of income," Sue continues, "so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly own since you're constantly showing up here." Preach. Santana claims to have a light schedule this semester, but Sue quickly calls her on that brazen bit of bullshit like so: "Do you not remember who got you that scholarship to Louisville? Your current coach is sending me weekly reports, and you dropped out a month ago!" "I hated it there!" Santana protests, hastening to explain, "Everyone thought that I was being a bitch when all I was doing was being brutally honest with people." I feel like I've heard that line before, and I'm nearly certain it was funnier the last time. Santana pleads with Sue to keep the news from her mother, which won't be a problem as Sue doesn't speak Spanish. Besides, Sue actually summoned Santana to her lair for an entirely benevolent reason, anyway.

"I need an heir apparent," Sue tells her, "and I need someone as mean as I am." "Wait," Santana blinks, "are you offering me a job?" "Finn Hudson took over The Glee Club," Sue shrugs, "why can't you take over my Cheerios?" "Besides," she adds with an utterly ingratiating smile on her face, "you've always been my favorite." "This is an amazing offer," Santana realizes, "and with the money that [Gloria Estefan] gave me for New York, I could buy a McMansion in Lima Heights!" She'd also be that much closer to Brit-Brit, as none of us needed her to point out quite so explicitly, but no matter -- Sue gives her until the end of the week to get back with her answer. "I have Paula Abdul coming in to interview as a backup," Sue notes, "and whenever I cancel too late with her, she tends to hit the pills." Atta girl.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. After spending the better part of the evening listening to Dreamboat Blaine snore in her ear, Single-T Tina's had enough, and she clomps on over to him to announce, "A diva doesn't settle for less than what she wants, and she won't apologize for wanting it, and I can't get that here, so time? Don't come crawling back to me -- I'm all outta soup!" At that, Single-T Tina spins herself around directly into her solo for the week, Madonna's "Hung Up," and she's got the oversized boom box and the hot pink midlife crisis leotard and everything.

And I have to believe that this entire performance takes place inside Tina's overheated brain because she immediately trots herself out to McKinley's unlikely outdoor cafeteria to shimmy her way through the bulk of the number, and there is quite simply no way in hell she'd be able to do that in northwestern Ohio in the middle of February without losing all of her extremities to frostbite. In any event, the other Glee Gals jump in to offer her some moral support while a random posse of loudly attired extras backflip in the background, and while it's certainly not the best song to highlight her vocal chops, she does seem to be having fun with it, so good for her.

Fake Drama School In New York. Midnight Madness Aftermath. St. Gay Of Lima's chatting with Meth Head Grandpa when The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's faithless sycophants shriek up to offer him their congratulations on his stunning upset the evening. St. Gay replies to their kind words by calling them "shallow" and "obnoxious," and follows that up by telling them to go to hell. Rude! The outraged sycophants swish off, allowing St. Gay an opportunity to mend fences with The Horrible Hooker, but she's far too busy feeling sorry for herself at the moment, thanks very much, and as she slouches off into this evening's commercial break, St. Gay heaves a tremendously put-upon sigh. You got yourself into this mess, you unbearable little drama queen, so stuff a fucking sock in it. Bitch.

Music Room. Miss Pillsbury and Bloaty The Gravy Clown present "The First Annual William McKinley High School Diva Award" to Single-T Tina (just go with it), and after the celebrations are done, Tina meets up with Dreamboat Blaine to bring their messy little subplot to a tidy little end. For whatever stupid reason, he apologizes to her, and then he proposes they attend Mr. Schue's wedding week as each other's plus-one. Tina happily accepts both his apology and his invitation, and they link arms to skip off towards their adventure together. Or something like that.

My Ancestral Homeland. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's barricaded herself in her bedroom, the better to nurse her many psychic wounds in private, but St. Gay Of Lima bursts in anyway in order to deliver a pep-talk so preposterous that I have little choice but to blow right past it, and by the time he's done, The Horrible Hooker has seen the error of her ways, and she vows to be a better person in the future. God, I hate him.

Meanwhile, back in Lima, Crazy Emma completely loses what's left of her goddamned mind over those floral arrangements from earlier -- we're talking full-fledged screaming fit, here, and right in the middle of her office, too -- so Bloaty The Gravy Clown shoves his tongue down her throat. Surprisingly, this calms her down. Unsurprisingly, they're both so mortified by what he's done that Frankenteen has little choice but to lurch from her office into this evening's final commercial break in a blind panic. So, you know. That probably sucks for him.

We return to find Brittany and Santana meeting up backstage at The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion for a little chat, and long story short, Brit-Brit found out Santana was lying about Elaine. "She told me that you paid her with scratcher tickets and an Ani DiFranco t-shirt to pretend to be your girlfriend." Heh. "And I also know that you dropped out of school," Brittany adds. "Well, I'm moving on up!" Santana counters. "Sue offered me a job to train to take over the Cheerios after she dies!" "You can't do that," Brit-Brit sighs, all sad and such. "But why?" Santana frowns. "I mean, it's not like I'd have to wait that long -- I'm totally gonna ricin her protein shakes in a couple of years." Atta girl. That's not quite what Brittany was talking about, however. No, Brit-Brit actually meant that Santana can't keep hiding herself away in podunk little backwaters like Lima and Louisville anymore -- she needs to find a real community, in a place that's "as big and as hot" as she is, so she can finally follow her real dreams. Gee, I wonder where that could be. Anyone have any ideas? Anyone?

Santana puts up a certain amount of resistance to this idea, but it's sort of obvious she's been thinking the same thing herself as of late, and after the two kiss each other goodbye, Santana launches into this evening's final musical number: A performance of Alicia Keys's dull "Girl On Fie-Yah" that takes Santana straight from The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High all the way over to...

....the Bedford Avenue subway station in Williamsburg! This moment would, I'm sure, feel more triumphant had it occurred during a much more engaging episode. Unfortunately, they've tacked it on to the very end of this jumbled mess, so the impact isn't quite what it could have been. In any event, the song's final line finds Santana approaching the door of The Improbably Bohemian Loft, and she hesitates just a moment before knocking. St. Gay Of Lima answers, and it would be something of an understatement to say he's surprised to see her. "What are you doing here?" he goggles, as The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway stands somewhere in the far blurry background of the shot with her mouth agape. Santana saunters past him to plant herself in the middle of the floor, and -- at very long last -- she replies, "Moving in!" Dun-dun-DUN!

up: Wild wedding wackiness! I'm so excited, I could just puke.

Demian is not a trick-ass ho. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.

By Demian

up: Wild wedding wackiness! I'm so excited, I could just puke.

Demian is not a trick-ass ho. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.