Welcome to New York. You Suck!

S04E01

Rachel's in New York, attending Fake New York Theater School, and she's miserable. Partly because she's lonely and misses Finn and is surrounded by people who only know her as an annoying pain in the ass, but mostly because her dance instructor, Cassandra July (played by Kate Hudson), is a bitter drunk who has chosen Rachel to be her whipping girl. But things look up when she meets a hot, hot junior, who bucks her up and helps her regain that special feeling.

Back at McKinley, the remaining members of New Directions are tasting the sweet elixir of popularity. Unfortunately, that popularity is also turning them into jerks, as highlighted by their cruel mockery of an overweight lunch lady. But they're also feeling pressure to fill the gaping hole that Rachel and her outsized talent (and ego) left in the group. That pressure mounts when Unique (formerly seen as lead singer of Vocal Adrenaline) transfer to McKinley and joins the group. And that pressure builds to an explosive climax when new student Marley blows her audition out of the water. And that Marley? Daughter of the picked-on lunch lady. And she makes them feel like crap when she confronts them over their cruelty.

Kurt, meanwhile, is attending a local community college, working at the Lima Bean and hanging around McKinley like some kind of over-aged predator. Fortunately, Blaine has the sense to know that Kurt needs to go to New York right away rather than waiting a year to reapply to Fake New York Theater School. So his dad, the congressman, packs him off to New York. He arrives just in time to save Rachel from a serious crying jag.

Also, Sue had her baby. And Puck had an unknown half-brother, Jake, who has a nice audition, but blows it when he has a temper tantrum. Will still offers him a space in New Directions if he loses the chip on his shoulder, but Jake is quite attached to that chip and turns Will down. And the new head cheerleader is really mean.

Featuring Billy Joel's "New York State of Mind," sung by Rachel and Marley; a mash-up of Lady Gaga's "Americano" and J. Lo's Dance Again," sung by Cassandra July; Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe," sung Thunderdome style by Unique, Blaine, Tina and Brit-Brit; Adele's "Chasing Pavements," sung by Marley; Imagine Dragons' "It's Time," sung by Blaine; and The Fray's "Never Say Never," sung by Jake Puckerman.

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We start at Fictional New York Theater School, where Rachel is in her first dance class. Her teacher is one Ms. Cassandra July, played by Kate Hudson. And just so you know what a horrible person Ms. July is, her first words are to encourage her students to feel bad about their bodies and to give one girl the nickname "Muffin Top." Rachel rolls her eyes at this, causing Cassandra to pick on her by giving her the nickname, "Little Miss David Schwimmer" and calling her out on her pissy attitude and pathetic dance skills. Rachel proves her right by nervously falling, leading Cassandra to lean down and tell her that she sucks. Not really very good pedagogy, but I still find myself oddly drawn to this teacher. Title card.

McKinley. We open on Jacob ben Israel, formerly known as Jewfro but now known as "Oh my God, he cut off his Jewfro." He's doing a video recap of the summer and welcoming everyone back to school. The big news is that the New Directions kids are now popular after their win at Nationals last year. Artie is getting high fives from jocks, Sam is signing autographs, and Tina has taken on a personal assistant to fetch her organic bananas. Tina has also broken up with Mike Chang. Jewfro[less] finds Blaine, Brit, Artie and Tina in the music room, admiring their trophy. He points out to them that Rachel was the star of the group and asks which of them is the new Rachel. All but Artie simultaneously volunteer themselves for the job.

Cut to Rachel in her dorm room, watching this video on Jacob Blog Israel. Her voice-over tries to pretend that her life doesn't totally suck. She talks about missing her dads and Finn, whom she hasn't spoken to in two months. We also learn that her roommate appears to be a voracious 'ho-bag who is constantly entertaining male callers. She also tells us that she got sick of everybody in the co-ed bathrooms making fun of her nighttime beauty ritual, so she's started taking showers at 3 AM. She enters said bathroom now, and is soon entranced by the sound of a man singing in one of the showers. That turns into open-mouthed gaping as he emerges from said shower sans towel. Tall, hot, short hair. Very nicely put together. She shuts her piehole and returns to moisturizing. He joins her at the sink (now with a towel covering his junk) and introduces himself as Brody Weston, a junior who is also majoring in musical theater. He commiserates about how awful Cassandra is, but also points out that her teaching helped him get a chorus role in a Broadway show that has since closed. He also has an extensive moisturizing ritual. He reminds her that just being there makes her the best of the best. And on his way out, he tells us all that he's straight. Which I think is kind of gross? Like, why not just tell her that he knows they want to bang each other?

By LTG

Rachel walks down a daylit street and chats on the phone with Kurt. She's told him all about Brody, but reminds him that she still worships Finn. She also lies about how great things are, and tries to get him to admit that his life sucks so she'll feel better. But with a chipper attitude, he tells her that he's keeping busy. At the moment, he's at McKinley where he's come to meet Sue's baby daughter, named Robin. (Sue: "It recalls hope, and spring time, and my favorite dead Bee Gee.") Sue claims Robin is the love of her life, but quickly calls on Kitty, her new head bitch cheerleader, to change the baby's diaper and sing her a lullaby. Sue describes Kitty as "like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic-depressive or in and out of a wheelchair." Kitty wonders why Kurt isn't living up to his stereotype and being a fabulous gay success. Sue praises him for breaking down the walls of discrimination by being the first guy who's not a straight football player to creepily lurk the halls of McKinley well after they graduated.

Will enters the music room and enthusiastically greets his returning students. FYI, the Leprechaun is gone, but New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up is still here. Now that he's around for a second season, I guess he's not new anymore. So maybe I'll call him Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up. Will tells the kids that now that New Directions is the coolest club at the school, they'll be able to have auditions and find plenty of talent to fill their ranks. Flash sideways to Will putting up an audition sign-up sheet that's quickly mobbed by kids. In the music room, Will tells the kids that even though they've lost some big voices he knows that the kids still there can be just as big. And speaking of big, he introduces McKinley's newest transfer student, Wade Adams. Also known as Not-So-Unique, last seen in a sparkly dress dancing on top of a pinball machine. The kids are less than enthusiastic, except for Brit, who's thrilled to see Mercedes with a new haircut, even though she did think Mercedes had graduated. Wade tells them he transferred to be in a place where being different was celebrated. Will calls the kids out on the less-than-stellar welcome, and Blaine tells him that they're just worried that Wade is one more contender in the competition to be the new Rachel. Will lies through his teeth by telling them that they win competitions as a team, not by relying on stars. The kids don't buy it. Blaine tells Brit, Tina and Wade that they have to pick the new Rachel themselves, "Thunderdome style." If that means they're all going to dress up as blonde Tina Turner in a torn chain mail dress and have a crossbow fight, I approve. What Blaine really means is that they should meet at the auditorium at 5:00 for a sing-off.

Auditorium. The contestants and Artie have gathered. Not one is wearing a chain mail dress. Anyway, Artie will pick the best singer and then as a group they'll tell Will who the new soloist will be. And now they sing Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." You guys, I spent all summer successfully avoiding this song. I didn't listen to the original version or watch the video. I didn't watch it when U.S. Marines did a lip dub. I didn't watch when the U.S. swim team did a lip dub. I certainly didn't watch when uber-creep Donald Trump did a lip dub. But now, thanks to this show, I'm forced to hear it. When they finish, Artie doesn't give them an immediate verdict. Commercials.

After the execrable Quinn's accident anti-texting ad, we return to the Lima Bean where Blaine and Brit are sitting at a table and talking about Santana, who apparently did go off to become a college cheerleader after all. And the Lima Bean now apparently has table service, as we see Kurt deliver drinks to them in his role as their waiter. Although I've had very few waiters sit down at my table and join the conversation. Kurt is unreasonably excited about the upcoming auditions, which Brit and I agree is pretty sad. And then Kurt gets called away by Kitty, sitting with some other Cheerios, who complains that her iced drink is too cold. Rather than telling her to wait a while for it to warm up, Kurt agrees to get another. I think that's supposed to show how awful his life is since he didn't get to go to New York, but it's really just life with a job. While he does his work, Brit and Blaine leave.

Dance studio, where Cassie July is making herself a smoothie. Shouldn't she have an office where she keeps her blender? Anyway, an adorably fey young man enters to tell her that he can't be her T.A. for the semester, since he got a gig as a flying monkey in Wicked, mostly due to her stellar recommendation. He seems actually fond of her, so I guess she's not a total monster, which is kind of sad, because this show could use a few more monsters. After he leaves, she juices her smoothie up with some rum. That's the spirit, Cassie.

McKinley cafeteria. Artie has still not selected the new Rachel. A pleasant-looking girl wearing a very unfortunate newsboy cap drops by the New Directions table to tell them that she's a huge fan and is going to be auditioning to join them. I don't often use this word, but Tina is a total bitch to her, giving her a very fake good luck. As she leaves, the rest of the glee clubbers are freaked out when Not-So-Unique joins the table, wearing boy's clothes but very subtle makeup. They're worried that the drag will jeopardize their newfound popularity. Wade meekly leaves to remove the makeup. And then the glee kids are joined by Kitty and some jocks, who immediately start making feeble jokes about the morbidly obese lunch lady. Brit dimly but sweetly tries to defend the lunch lady, but the even dimmer jocks take her theory that the lunch lady might have swallowed someone with a medical condition as another joke. And then Artie makes his own joke when one of the jocks pointedly calls him out. Newsboy-cap girl (whose name is Marley) overhears the joke and gives the entire table an unhappy look.

And that unhappy look was given because the new lunch lady is Marley's mother, which we learn as we see Marley approach her in the kitchen at the end of the day when it's time to go home. The lunch lady is, of course, sweet and kind and self-effacing, and she's sewing a J. Crew label into a thrift-store sweater so that Marley can wear it to her glee club audition. It's nice that Marley has a nice mother, but the kids in this school are all going to become diabetic if the food the lunch lady makes is as saccharine as her personality. She reassures Marley that her magic voice will win her a place in New Directions, and then makes plans to pick her up several blocks away from the school so that other students won't see her getting into the lunch lady's car.

Dance studio. Rachel is stretching before class when Cassie July, slightly unsteady on her feet, enters the room and insults her. Rachel starts to meekly defend herself, asking Ms. July why she's picking on her and then recoils from the smell of booze on Cassie's breath. The other students all hear the comment and the room drops to a dead silence. So Cassie takes the opportunity to tell them that even though she's not an ingénue -- she can still outdance any of them. Which she then sets out to prove by singing and dancing to a mash-up of Lady Gaga's "Americano" and J. Lo's Dance Again." So she just happened to have instrumental music for this mash-up ready to play on her boombox? A couple of students join in the number. Kate Hudson's singing is not bad, and the dancing is fine, although the use of her long hair to cover her face makes the body double extra obvious in a few bits. After the number finishes, Cassie tells the kids that class is dismissed. Did the class actually ever start? Commercials.

Will, the New Directions and Kurt are in the auditorium for the auditions. We only see two performers, Stoner Brett -- who raps even worse than Will -- and De'Wanda, who dances badly to a wordless song. And then Jake, who declines to share his last name. But he sings The Fray's "Never Say Never" and quite well at that. Will is clearly enjoying the performance, but cuts Jake off after a couple of verses due to the vast number of kids they still have to see. Jake can't believe he won't even get a chance to finish, and angrily knocks over a music stand. Will -- who is simultaneously totally calm and reasonable but also a complete dick about it -- asks Jake to pick up the music he knocked over. Jake just bows and leaves the room. Did I mention that Jake is really cute and also vaguely familiar looking? Put a pin in that, why don't you.

Rachel enters a class in a beautiful round music room. Madame Thibodeaux welcomes new and returning students, and tells the new students that they'll get two chances to sing in public -- once right now and then at the end of the semester if they're invited to perform in a show. Madame Thibodeaux calls a young woman up for her chance to sing, but then cuts her off after just a few lines of "Ave Maria," accusing her of failing to practice during the summer. She essentially kicks the girl out of the school, inviting her to reapply in the winter. That terrifies Rachel, but it's still her turn to sing. She stands, introduces herself, and tells the class that she'll be singing Billy Joel's "New York State of Mind." And we flash sideways to see that Marley is singing the same song for her New Directions audition. We then cut back and forth between the two. And while there's no doubt in my mind that Rachel is a much more polished performer, Marley does a very nice job. Also, Rachel gets a standing ovation from Brody, who quickly sits back down when he receives Madame Thibodeaux's death glare. Commercials.

Will posts a sheet with the results of the auditions in the hallway. The list includes all of the returning members of New Directions (Blaine, Sam, Artie, Brit, Tina, Sugar, and Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up), Wade and Marley. So out of the dozens of people who signed up to audition, no one but Marley was even as good as Sugar Motta? Whatever, show. Marley sees the list and is thrilled. Jake sees the list and is so angry he tears it down off the wall. And I approve, because I am offended by the lack of narrative consistency. The kids enter the music room to find Kurt organizing all of the sheet music. Not-So-Unique enters in full drag and Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up calls her out on it. Kurt, voice of love and tolerance and all things dear to Ryan Murphy's heart, reminds them that being open to diversity is what glee club is all about. I thought it was all about singing? It's finally time for Artie to pick the new Rachel and he announces that it's Blaine. With Brit as a close second. Not-So-Unique actually makes me laugh when she accuses Artie of being threatened by strong black women. And then Will enters with Marley, praising her amazing audition. The kids are more welcoming to her than they were to Wade. Sugar even praises her sweater, asking her where she got it. Marley hesitantly claims it came from J. Crew, but Sugar -- consumer savant that she is -- seems doubtful.

By LTG

Washington Square. Rachel is looking at a picture of Finn on her phone when Brody sneaks up behind her and asks if he's her boyfriend. Brody tells Rachel that his relationship with his high school girlfriend lasted until just six weeks after he started at Fake New York Theater School. The real reason he's there is to tell Rachel that she did a great job in M. Thibodeaux's class. She admits to him that singing that song is the only time she's felt like she belongs since school started. He tells her that she feels uncomfortable because she's becoming a new person. And then he grabs her phone and takes a picture of the two of them -- not so she can give up her old memories, but so she can start making new ones. Oh my god, he's cute, but he really needs to shut up with this crap. And then he offers to walk her to class.

That class is apparently dance class. Cassie tells the students they haven't become nearly as neurotic and insane in one short week as she would like. And then she asks Rachel to dance a particular step, gives her a piece of advice and then compliments her on slight improvement on her second attempt. Rachel, who never knows when to quit while she's ahead, claims that she will keep working until she's the best dancer Cassandra July has ever seen. Cassie's excited that Rachel has moxie, since it'll make it more fun to torture her. And she announces to nobody in particular, "This is so boring!" I was just thinking the same thing.

Airport, passenger drop-off. Burt pulls his giant SUV up to the curb to drop Kurt off for his flight to New York. Burt establishes that Kurt has enough money from the sale of his car for two weeks at a motel and an emergency credit card. Burt is sending Kurt to New York with just two weeks of motel money? You guys, Kurt is going to end up as a prisoner in some guy's sex dungeon. I call dibs. Despite sending his son off to a near-certain life of sexual indentured servitude, Burt earns his reputation as world's best dad by telling Kurt that the reason it's important for him to go to New York is that it's full of other people who are as unique and special as Kurt. Burt reminds Kurt that he can always come back, but after Kurt exits the car, Burt quietly observes that he never will. And then he hides his tears as Kurt looks back one last time before entering the terminal. Commercials.

It's time for everyone to apologize to Marley. First to do so is hobo stripper Sam, who finds her at her locker and both apologizes and lets her know that he knows what she's going through, because he went through the same thing when he became Tragically Homeless. Marley's happy to hear it, but is still unhappy with the way people joked about her mother, which is when the rest of the New Directions arrive to apologize and beg her forgiveness, blaming their cruelty on the sweet, sweet taste of popularity. And then Blaine invites her to sing lead on a song they'll be rehearsing in the auditorium later that day. And then Not-So-Unique, still in full drag, points out to her that if the glee club can accept him, they can certainly find room in their hearts for the lunch lady's daughter. Can I just say, I'm still a little confused as to whether Wade the character is transgender or not. But if they're going to put the character in full drag, can the costume department please find outfits that don't look like Loretta Devine's castoffs? Ms. Devine is fabulous, but I really don't think a teen-aged drag queen would be wearing the clothes of a middle-aged black lady, and that's what Not-So-Unique's outfit looks like. (And I know that transgender and drag queen is not the same thing, but I'm not going to worry about that until the show actually gives us some idea what Wade's deal is.) Anyway, it's now time for Kitty and the jocks to restore order to the universe, by arriving to announce the end of their friendship with the New Directions and welcome Marley and Not-So-Unique to the McKinley Pariah's Club with slushies to the face.

Some kind of administrative office at McKinley. A secretary hands Will a file and then we see that he's called Jake into his office. He wants to see him because he's learned that Jake is Puck's half-brother, except that Jake tells him that Puck never even knew he existed. In a town this small, two kids with the last name "Puckerman" never ran into each other? Anyway, Jake thinks Will wants to accept him into New Directions as a kind of favor to Puck, but Will really wants to do it because he knew that glee club helped Puck. But he thinks that Jake needs to lose the chip on his shoulder. Jake, alas, likes that chip, and tells Will that his pity invitation to join New Directions is rejected.

And now we get a scene that cuts from the auditorium, where Marley is in the wings watching the kids rehearse and Rachel in the park having a phone conversation with Kurt. Marley sings "Chasing Pavements," which is apparently the song the kids are rehearsing. Marley joins them in dancing. I love that she has a giant smile when she sings, even if she is wearing that idiotic newsboy cap. Jake, who briefly watches from the back of the auditorium, also seems to like the look of Marley. Rachel, meanwhile, is tearfully admitting to Kurt that she's totally miserable. Worst of all is that she can't even be miserable in her own dorm room, because her roommate has a non-stop procession of tricks coming by for sex. Kurt suggests that Rachel get a new roommate, which Rachel thinks is not a very practical idea. And then Kurt tells her to turn around and she sees him and they have a warm embrace.

LTG lives in Boston, where's he a full-time pension and insurance attorney and part-time lunch lady. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

By LTG

LTG lives in Boston, where's he a full-time pension and insurance attorney and part-time lunch lady. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.