Beiste's Cooter Throws A Mean Right Hook

S03E18

In the Very Special Episode portion of tonight's presentation, Coach Beiste shows up at McKinley High with a vivid shiner adorning her left eye, leading Santana Lopez to unleash a series of delightfully snide remarks on the topic of domestic violence that are overheard by the lovely and talented bronze medalist Roz Washington, the latter of whom flies into deeply affronted rage. Roz joins forces with both Sue Sylvester and Coach Beiste to teach Santana -- and her partners in crime Mercedes, Single-T Tina, Sugar Motta, and Brit-Brit -- a Very Important Lesson About Wife Beating by giving the girls a performance assignment that the girls promptly proceed to misinterpret in the most hilarious manner imaginable. Of course, it immediately stops being funny when Coach Beiste breaks down and confesses to all and sundry that her Cooter's really been rough on her lately, and the always-excellent Dot Marie Jones gets several minutes of material for this year's Emmy reel when Coach Beiste first leaves her husband, then returns to give him a second chance because she's convinced she'll otherwise end up alone. It's a horrible idea for this show even to attempt such a storyline, of course, but Jones did so well with the incredibly iffy material that I'm not sure how much I hate all of it at the moment.

Meanwhile, St. Gay Of Lima and Idiot Rachel deal with last-minute jitters when an esteemed alum of Fake Drama School In New York flies in to audition them for her alma mater. St. Gay decides at the last possible instant to switch songs, and he ends up doing quite well, but Idiot Rachel totally biffs a number she's performed hundreds of times before, so it looks like she might be hanging around for season after all.

Also probably hanging around for season after all is Puck, whose seldom-seen father guilts him into parting with the bulk of his California savings, and who also fails an important exam he needed to pass in order to graduate. You know, guys, it's going to be awfully hard to miss you if you don't actually go away.

Featuring "The Music Of The Night" from Phantom Of The Opera, as performed by St. Gay Of Lima, with Single-T Tina giving us all an absolutely deadly Sarah Brightman impersonation; Alice Cooper's eternal adolescent classic, "School's Out," as performed by Puck; an unfortunately truncated "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago, as performed by Mercedes, Single-T Tina, Santana, Sugar Motta, and Brit-Brit; "Not The Boy Door" from The Boy From Oz, as performed by St. Gay, with a bit of shimmy provided in the background by Single-T Tina, Brit-Brit, and Mercedes; Funny Girl's "Don't Rain On My Parade" -- again -- as performed -- again -- by Idiot Rachel; an oddly familiar-sounding punk version of My Fair Lady's "The Rain in Spain," as performed by Puck and his impromptu late-night study group, which consists of Artie, Frankenteen, The Leprechaun, Dreamboat Blaine, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, Gaylord Wiener, and New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Can't Be Bothered To Look Up; a beautiful version of "Shake It Out" by Florence And The Machine, as performed by Mercedes, Santana, and Single-T Tina; and Kelly Clarkson's "Cry," as performed by Idiot Loser Rachel after she totally biffs her audition for Fake Drama School In New York.

Idiot Rachel wafts toward us in slow motion through the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, caught up in the reverie her episode-opening voiceover has induced, and as she smiles to herself, that voiceover lectures us like so: "Deep in space, there are giant interstellar clouds. Most of them just float through the universe, content to be balls of gas and space dust, but there are special ones. Maybe they collide with a supernova, or are just made up of something extra-amazing, but one day, they just get too big for the nebulas they're in, and with the sheer gravitational force of their awesomeness, they become a star." Thank God Idiot Rachel's majoring in theater year, because she clearly sucks with the astrophysics. By the way, when Idiot Rachel's Voiceover hits that bit about those worthless balls of ambition-free gas and space dust, Actual Idiot Rachel happened to glance over at Puck just as he tossed a salacious wink at the camera, so I suppose we're now clear as to what she thinks of him after all these years. But before we're allowed to dwell on that bit of possibly-insulting information, Idiot Rachel's Voiceover drags us forward in time to...

...Actual Idiot Rachel's bedchamber, where the be-curlered lady of the boudoir bolts upright in bed at the crack of dawn to intone, mantra-like, "I am that amazing cloud! My whole life has led to this moment!" Actual Idiot Rachel then hurls herself into her morning fitness regimen atop her elliptical machine, staring with laser-intense focus at some tacky adolescent inspiration board she's stapled to her boudoir wall as her Voiceover exposits, "My [Fake Drama School In New York] audition is this week. All of the singing, dancing lessons and hours spent late into the night practicing my Oscar acceptance speech into a mirror are just about to come home to find purchase!" Idiot Rachel's Voiceover then confides that Frankenteen "couldn't be more excited or supportive," and we get a brief blip of the lumbering, slack-jawed jackass in question running Idiot Rachel through a series of audition-appropriate facial expressions until Idiot Rachel's Voiceover once again drags us...

...back over to McKinley to inform us of Actual Idiot Rachel's by turns paranoid and superstitious pre-audition rituals, the most batshit of which is her habit of walking backwards through the halls at odd moments, with everyone she sees magically transforming into "a metaphor for the things that could stop" her, and thank God Idiot Rachel's majoring in theater year, because she clearly sucks with the language arts as well. People wandering past you sporting sandwich boards emblazoned with phrases like "MURDEROUS STALKER," "ADELE'S THROAT POLYP," and "MENSTRUAL BLOAT" are not metaphors, honey. Try again.

By Demian

Idiot Rachel of course ignores me, and we shoot forward in time once more to stand with her in front of her en suite bathroom's mirror as she finishes her day by reciting the following at her reflection: "You are a star, Rachel Berry, and in just two days from now, you are going to shine so bright on that stage that the sun is gonna cry with envy. You know when your time is, and it's now." Wrong! Now is the time for tonight's title card, moron. Also: She's totally going to biff her audition for Fake Drama School In New York, isn't she? I mean, that's obviously the takeaway from this opening sequence, right? Right. So, why do we have to sit through the goddamned hour, then? Huh? HUH? This stupid show.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. As Puck carefully hangs a set of nunchucks in his locker, Frankenteen lurches over to kick-start Puck's subplot for the evening like so: "I heard you talking to that sophomore girl yesterday." "Back off, dude," Puck immediately replies, noting, "You got a fiancée, plus I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren't done growing yet." Frankenteen hastens to assure his sometime friend that he has no designs on the lovely ladies of the sophomore class. Rather, he happened to overhear a disturbing snippet of Puck's conversation.

Smear sideways to Puck telling the anonymous lass, "I might not graduate, but it's okay, 'cause gowns are for ladies, and tassels are for strippers." Point to Puck? I guess. Whatever.

Back in the present, Puck rolls his eyes and begins to wander off down the hall, but Frankenteen will not be deterred from his self-appointed mission, and while he concedes that Puck already has a solid plan for his future, what with Puck's oft-mentioned intent to move his pool cleaning business to Los Angeles, Frankenteen insists that graduating from high school is still an important goal. Puck assures Frankenteen that, while he appreciates the "brovention," Frankenteen's worries are for naught, as all Puck need do is pass "Mrs. Dusenberry's European Geography test," and he'll be striding across that graduation stage with the rest of them later this month. And how, exactly, will Puck pass this important exam?

Smear sideways to Puck making an awkward attempt to seduce the prim-looking Mrs. Dusenberry in the middle of class by informing her that the Danube is wet. "Real wet," in fact, and once that's over with, we smear back to...

By Demian

...the present, where Puck smirkingly confirms, "I'm gonna give Mrs. Dusenberry a little P-U-C-K so I don't get an F." Frankenteen finds this an excellent plan, because he is a mouthbreathing dumbass.

Elsewhere, Student Council President Brit-Brit bounces over to Single-T Tina, Mercedes, Sugar Motta and Santana Lopez to babble something about setting up complimentary probing booths at this year's alien-themed prom, but before that intriguing idea gets a chance to develop any further, Coach Beiste wanders past with a lurid welt decorating her left eye, eliciting the following from Santana: "Aw, hell! Looks like Mister Beiste went all Chris Brown on Missus Beiste!" As Mercedes guffaws, Santana calls out, "What happened, Coach? Cooter put the smackdown on ya 'cause you wouldn't let him be on top?" And barely have those words left Santana's mouth when the camera zooms up to focus in on the just-appearing Roz Washington and her shocked expression of outrage and dismay, and here we go with yet another Very Special Episode in this neverending season's neverending string of the same. "Men hitting women is funny to you?" Coach Washington challenges, striding over to get all up in Santana's face. "Oh, please," Santana eyerolls in a valiant yet failed attempt to dodge the hammer-handed Lesson Of The Week that's about to rain down upon all our skulls. "We obviously don't think Beiste was hit by anyone," Santana duhs. "I mean, look at her -- she's a wall." Point to Santana Lopez. [Note: Funny that it wasn't Brit-Brit doing the snarking. -- Rachel.] Coach Washington, however, remains unamused and, after announcing she does not suffer "fools who think domestic violence is funny," she calls Coach Beiste over to take down the names of "Hat Rack, Asian Horror Movie, Little Oprah, Rojo Caliente, and Salsa Caliente" for later hectoring. With that, Coach Washington huffs off toward the...

...McKinley High teachers' lounge for a little tête-à-tête with Sue Sylvester, the latter of whom opens their dialogue like so: "Black Sue, it's no secret I despise you -- I spent the weekend sending your photo to ivory poachers who could make an absolute fortune selling your enormous white teeth on the black market -- yet it sounds like you and I finally have something to agree on!" "Look," Black Sue concedes by way of reply, "I understand kids making jokes about things they find uncomfortable, like how there's a cheerleading coach at their school who's old as dirt and still trying to have a baby -- who they know is gonna come out looking weird with rabies and wings, and it's gonna fly right out of your hatbox and straight back into Hell -- but domestic violence is nothing to joke about!" It certainly would have been something to joke about two years ago during this declining series' far-superior first season, but whatever. Will arrives with Coach Beiste -- the latter of whom rather believably attributes her shiner to a training accident at the gym, by the by -- and after the adults natter at each other for a bit regarding tonight's tiresome anti-domestic violence theme, White Sue announces that she, "John Goodman," and Black Sue will be dealing with Santana Lopez and her merry gang of idiots themselves this evening. I can't wait.

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. St. Gay Of Lima has placed every last candle to be found in Allen County upon the stage so he and Single-T Tina might run through his intended Fake Drama School In New York audition piece, "The Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera. St. Gay's playing the whole dreadful thing like he's some tiny little hunchbacked homosexual bat -- which really works, oddly enough -- while Single-T Tina, God love her, is offering us all her very best vacant-eyed Sarah Brightman impersonation. Hee! Mind you, Single-T Tina's very best vacant-eyed Sarah Brightman impersonation doesn't come anywhere close to topping my own very best vacant-eyed Sarah Brightman impersonation, but I deeply appreciate her effort, because Sarah Brightman sucks. And don't even get me started on fucking Phantom as a whole. Christ, I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber.

ANY-way, when it's over, Dreamboat Blaine leaps to his feet in the auditorium's audience to offer St. Gay a rapturous round of applause, but St. Gay feels the piece is "too safe" to best represent who he is as a performer during his audition for Fake Drama School In New York. "I need something fresh," St. Gay complains. "Something edgy -- something completely unpredictable!" Pause. "Or maybe I just need more candles." "Oh, God, no," Dreamboat Blaine whimpers, appalled. "No more candles." Heh.

Somewhere else, Puck puts the moves on the "recently-divorced and excruciatingly lonely" Eleanor Dusenberry -- and that's her self-deprecating self-description, by the way -- but she quite firmly shoots him down. Puck reacts to this by shouting, "Screw you, and screw McKinley! I'm outta here, forever!" after which he quite naturally segues into a fantasy-sequence rendition of Alice Cooper's seemingly deathless adolescent classic, "School's Out," and it's hard to believe this song is already forty years old. The most interesting bit of the whole thing that follows occurs when Puck roars out onto the football field atop a dinky little orange motocross bike (which: Keep reaching for those stars, Puck!) to hop up on an equally small platform, where he performs the bulk of the number amidst a writhing gaggle of lewdly gyrating Cheerios, all of whom sport Mr. Cooper's signature smeared eye makeup. Unfortunately, the editing's so choppy that we never get a really good sense of the choreography involved -- though it feels like it's meant to be boundary-pushing and raunchy, what with all of those still-growing boobs jiggling all over the fifty-yard line and everything -- and this randomly-broken visual rhythm ends up seriously deflating what should have been one of tonight's signature moments. Poor Puck. He finally gets his very own character-defining moment to shine, and they fuck it all up for him in post. Sigh.

By Demian

In any event, the fantasy ends with Puck slamming back to reality in the middle of the choir room, where the children respond to his performance with little more than a series of blank, befuddled stares. Poor, misunderstood Puck flees into this evening's first commercial break amid a cloud of deeply embarrassed gloom. Awwwwwwww.

"I realize this room is America's number-one destination for cheap, sappy moralizing," White Sue begins when we return from the break, "but your insensitive behavior is about to subject you to a whole new level of preachiness." She had me, and then she lost me. White Sue, Black Sue and John Goodman have arrived in the choir room to commence with the hectoring of Sandbags, Hat Rack, Asian Horror Movie, Little Oprah and Rojo Caliente for their earlier remarks regarding John Goodman's black eye, and since I sure as hell don't need this show to tell me over and over again that Wife Beating Is A Very Bad Thing, I'll be cutting to the point: "Ladies," White Sue eventually announces, "the American Songbook is chock-full of songs making light of men hitting women." And we'll be letting that bold assertion slide, because I have neither the strength nor the time to challenge it here. "Since the only way to get anything into your thick, dopey heads is to force you to sing about it," White Sue continues, "for this week's assignment, I want you to turn those songs into songs of empowerment that say, 'You lay a hand on me? It's over!'" The children mope. Meanwhile, Coach Beiste looks on rather bleakly, which of course means her Cooter's been smacking her around, and I seriously don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this shitty storyline alive.

Kidding! I'm kidding, because this show would never even try to pull off anything like that with the costuming -- they probably just thought it would be cute to match her nails with the detailing on the $378 Nanette Lepore cocktail dress Idiot Rachel decided to wear to school today. So, Idiot Rachel warns St. Gay against taking so great a risk with his audition for Fake Drama School In New York, and St. Gay of course counters that his audition for Fake Drama School In New York practically demands so great a level of risk-taking, but she eventually convinces him to go with the number from Phantom, anyway, presumably because it will allow him to change his mind at the very last instant in the most dramatic manner imaginable.

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, and this is easily my favorite moment of the episode thus far: Mercedes takes to center stage in a cascade of red light to introduce us to The Six Merry Murderesses of The Cook County Jail as they offer us their rendition of the "Cell Block Tango," and the fact that the children have so willfully misinterpreted their assignment for the week is sending me into fits of giggles, mainly because their misinterpretation makes perfect sense to me. Your stupid, lying, no-good Neanderthal of a jealous, abusive, and hypocritically slutty boyfriend is bugging the holy living shit out of you? Shoot him in the head! It's the obvious solution, isn't it? Not to mention empowering. Hee!

Of course, this number is not meant to be fun at all, especially when it pimp-smacks Coach Beiste into a series of unsettling flashbacks to The Night Her Cooter Beat Her, and because the show itself has chosen to fuck with my enjoyment of this musical selection at this point, I might as well veer off onto a tangent here to note the following: Even though Glee should never, ever have attempted this storyline in the first place, and even though Glee quite naturally fails this storyline's execution in so many different and intricately varied ways this evening, I have to give it up to Dot Marie Jones for her performance tonight. In spite of everything that's wrong about all this, Jones herself completely delivers, and the result would be heartbreaking were it not for the ungodly mess that's surrounding her efforts. As it is, she's at least scored a terrific Emmy reel for herself this year, so that's nice. I guess.

By Demian

In any event, Coach Beiste, plagued by her unsettling flashbacks, quietly excuses herself from the auditorium before the unfortunately truncated number's even halfway done, and when it's over, Santana Lopez all-too-innocently wonders, "What happened to Beiste? Did we do something wrong?" "Well," White Sue replies, "you completely butchered one of my all-time favorite Kander and Ebb tunes while completely missing the point of absolutely everything." The camera slides over to Black Sue at this point to record her own reaction, which goes something like this: "You girls are cray-cray! You were supposed to pick a song that gave women the self-esteem and courage to get the hell out of an abusive situation, but oh, no! You pick a song about crazy women -- in their panties -- killing their men for chewing gum! How is that supposed to help?" When this episode originally aired, that line was the only one that had me laughing out loud. As for how it's supposed to help, Black Sue, see my earlier comment a couple paragraphs up.

Smear sideways to Puck talking to his dad, here portrayed by the criminally underused Michael Mancini of Melrose Place, and long story short, Puck's deadbeat dad -- whom he hasn't seen in, like, a decade -- guilts his son into handing over all the cash Puck had been saving for his move to California. No, it doesn't matter why Puck's deadbeat dad needs the money, so don't bother asking.

Back in the present, Puck notes that his deadbeat dad didn't graduate from high school, either, so Puck's decided to pass that European Geography exam after all, and would the assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) mind helping him study for the thing? The assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) would be delighted!

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. St. Gay Of Lima twitters about nervously in the wings, and his last-minute pre-audition jitters are only made worse when Idiot Rachel arrives with some crucial intel regarding the identity of their judge, Whoopi Goldberg. Sorry! Sorry, I mean "Carmen Thibodeaux," an esteemed alumna of Fake Drama School In New York who's notorious throughout the theatrical community for her hair-trigger temper. Once, she even halted a performance of Medea at The Met because some schmuck happened to glance at his watch while she was in the middle of one of her arias, and the resulting verbal scorching she delivered from the stage remains legendary in opera circles even to this day. It seems La Thibodeaux was recently named "Dean Of Vocal Performance And Song Interpretation" at Fake Drama School In New York, so she's traveling the country herself to handpick the members of her inaugural class, which explains why so exalted a personage would be wasting her time auditioning two nobodies in the middle of nowhere in Ohio.

And no sooner has Idiot Rachel finished with this massive exposition dump of hers than La Thibodeaux summons St. Gay Of Lima to the stage. St. Gay flutters and flusters himself from the wings to announce his selection, which is met with a look of supreme disdain by Whoopi Goldberg. St. Gay gauges the suddenly chilly atmosphere in the room and ventures to guess, "I bet you hear a lot of that song?" "That," La Thibodeaux icily confirms, "'The Impossible Dream' from La Mancha, and 'Being Alive' from Company." Heh. Naturally, St. Gay bravely decides to chuck out all of his careful plans for this moment and informs La Thibodeaux he'll be performing "Not the Boy Door" instead. In the wings, Idiot Rachel gasps. Out in the audience, Dreamboat Blaine clutches his imaginary pearls. And up on the stage, Tinkles looks mildly annoyed at the last-minute change. Though it might not be as last-minute as St. Gay would have us believe, for Single-T Tina, Brit-Brit and Mercedes now emerge from backstage already in costume as St. Gay's backup singers, and St. Gay's overwrought Phantom tuxedo is actually a tearaway hiding a carefully-crafted replica Hugh Jackman's gold lamé-based monstrosity from the musical, so I'm pretty sure St. Gay's been lying to Idiot Rachel this entire time.

By Demian

Naturally, this awful, evil show proceeds to take a massive dump all over Rachel's scene of soul-crushing loss by leaping immediately into the ha-ha funnies of Puck's late-night European Geography cram session -- which is taking place in the music room for some stupid reason, and whatever -- and I just can't deal with these jarring, senseless, asinine shifts in tone anymore, so long story short, the assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) magically stumble into a punk version of "The Rain in Spain" from My Fair Lady, and while no one on the forum boards can quite figure out this arrangement's origin, everyone seems to agree that Glee didn't come up with it itself. And when it's over, chipper Artie -- ever the optimist -- perks, "Moving on! What rhymes with 'preindustrial European deforestation'? Anybody?" Wah wah waaaaaaaah. Also: Commercial.

Locker Room. White Sue enters to express her dismay with Coach Beiste. White Sue, you see, was under the impression Coach Beiste would be bunking at her place the evening, but Coach Beiste never showed up. Coach Beiste apologizes, and tells White Sue she spent the entire night moving in with her sister, Denise. As in "Denise Beiste," and yes, White Sue cracks wise about Denise Beiste living under a bridge somewhere before quite genuinely expressing her relief that Coach Beiste is okay. "I really admire what you're doing," White Sue admits, adding, "I know how difficult it must be." "Not as difficult as what I'm about to do," Coach Beiste sighs by way of reply, and with that, we get shunted over to...

...the music room, where Coach Beiste informs Sugar Motta, Santana Lopez, Mercedes, Brit-Brit and Single-T Tina of recent Cooter-related events in her life, while the deeply sympathetic Sues look on from the sidelines. Coach Beiste apologizes for lying to them about it all, but as I still don't need this show to tell me over and over again that Wife Beating Is A Very Bad Thing, I'll be skipping ahead to...

...Puck's European Geography exam, which is already in progress. Puck's apparently spent the first half of the allotted hour drawing a death-metal dragon on his answer sheet, but when the assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) appear in the classroom's doorway to toss him the evil eye, he forces himself to answer a few questions. Fortunately, the first two of those questions just happen to be My Fair Lady-related. Unfortunately, every other question on the exam seems to deal with preindustrial European deforestation, so I'm guessing Puck's going to biff this little test of his just as badly as Idiot Rachel biffed that great big test of her own. And here I'd been thinking the episode's title was talking about what Beiste's Cooter did to her behind closed doors.

By Demian

ANY-way, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: So, Idiot Rachel totally biffs her audition for Fake Drama School In New York, and it's gruesome. She does little more than mix up a couple of the lyrics midway through the song, but that tiny error completely throws her, and her subsequent meltdown is actually excruciating to watch. And I mean that as a compliment, 'cause like Dot Marie Jones before her, Lea Michele is selling the absolute hell out of Rachel's rapidly escalating moments of confusion and terror and panic and pleading and soul-crushing loss, here. I hate it when actors somehow manage to overcome shitty writing and make me feel things.

By Demian

Of course, once it's over, Puck lies about how he did to the assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) because, hey, they just pulled an all-nighter helping him study, so why not? There's also some unimportant blather about the assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) teaching Puck the mysterious ways of the modern man, or some such horseshit, and then we're off into this evening's final commercial break.

Music Room. Coach Beiste enters to find Brit-Brit, Sugar Motta, Santana Lopez, Mercedes and Single-T Tina already waiting for her, and we have now arrived at my favorite moment of the evening. In fact, I think it's my favorite moment on this show since Santana hauled off and slapped the holy living crap out of Frankenteen's smug, talent-free face. The girls sit Coach Beiste down in a chair and, as a way of thanking her for the strength she's shown over the last couple of days, Santana, Tina and Mercedes serenade her with a lovely, low-key acoustic version of "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine. And because we can never just have nice things on this show anymore, the ladies' performance is intercut with scenes of Coach Beiste foolishly and furtively returning to her Cooter under cover of night, and when Coach Beiste draws the ladies in for a hug after the song's over, she looks absolutely shattered by the shame of it all. Poor Beiste.

By Demian

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. St. Gay Of Lima approaches Idiot Loser Rachel at the latter's locker, and he apologizes for succeeding where she failed. I think. They talk for quite a bit, here, and I'm afraid I zoned out because I've a sneaking suspicion none of this will matter week. And when their talk is done, Idiot Loser Rachel drifts into her episode-ending version of Kelly Clarkson's "Cry," which is yet another song I'm pretty happy to be entirely unfamiliar with, though I have to admit that Lea Michele is killing these moments dead, too. It begins right there at her locker, but eventually, Idiot Loser Rachel ends up onstage in The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where she wails away into the darkness alone while we're treated to a brief scene of Puck receiving an F on his European Geography exam, much as we all anticipated. And when it's all, all over, the camera lingers on Idiot Loser Rachel's weepy face for a moment before discreetly panning away to black.

Christ, I still can't decide if that absolutely blew, or if it just sort of sucked a lot. I hate this show.

week: Prom! Alas, there appear to be no probing booths, as the theme has been switched from "Aliens" to "Dinosaurs." Hey, maybe a velociraptor'll claw Finn's face off! Hooray!

Demian still doesn't need to be told over and over again that Wife Beating Is A Very Bad Thing. If such an unnecessary lecture is all you have to offer him at the moment, you probably shouldn't bother trying to contact him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.