Houston, We Have Some Problems

S03E17

Y'all, I just got home from Paris, I'm jetlagged, and I'm still gobsmacked by the shenanigans RuPaul is trying to get away with on Drag Race. You're lucky I didn't just write this putain of a recaplet in (largely non-grammatical) French.

This week, we get Glee's tribute to Whitney Houston. Some of the kids are clearly broken up by her death, and Will and Emma decide they're fixating on her due to their own emotions about impending graduation. So Will assigns them to sing Whitney songs that express their feelings about the end of their high school careers. Which leads to lots of great music and not so much plot development.

The biggest story development is that Kurt has a new admirer -- another fashionable gay boy he meets at the music store while trying to find the perfect Whitney song. New Gay is also applying to a musical theater program at a college in New York (although his school actually exists). New Gay keeps sending Kurt flirty texts, and Kurt is into them because they make him feel special, and because Blaine hasn't been sending him any flirty texts. But Blaine discovers the texting and the two of them have a serious blowup, because Blaine thinks Kurt's textual relationship is tantamount to cheating. Blaine essentially breaks up with Kurt through song, but Kurt tries to romance him back with another song. Emma sticks her nose into their business, and we learn that Blaine has been withdrawing from Kurt because he resents how happy Kurt seems to be about moving away to New York while Blaine stays behind for a year. Kurt makes the typical but unlikely promise that a year apart will not end their relationship, and all is well for the time being.

In other relationship news, New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up notices that Quinn is feeling really down, and she confesses that her physical therapy isn't producing the results she'd hoped for. He offers to go to therapy with her, and they have a moment during therapy that almost turns into a kiss before he backs off. Quinn thinks he backed off because he's grossed out by her condition, but it turns out that he's just afraid of any kind of sexual feeling. At another therapy session, Quinn accidentally cops a feel of his accidental boner, and realizes that he is into her. So they decide to try some chaste Christian dating. Or something.

Will decides that he and Emma need to move their wedding up to the coming May (instead of the December). He hires an improbably butch heterosexual wedding planner, but then fires him when he tells him that the wedding couldn't possibly happen before September. He moves on to planning a campground wedding, which Emma rightly points out will be kind of hard for her with her OCD. Will finally admits that he's terrified that the kids won't come back for his wedding if it happens after they graduate, and that he's more terrified at the thought of losing them from his life. But then he sees all of the kids come together for an optional rehearsal and realizes that they'll all be part of their lives even after school is finished.

Oh, and Rachel and Santana decide maybe they can be friends. And Kurt and Burt acknowledge that they're going to miss each other when Kurt leaves. And Puck gives mementoes to all the non-Kurt dudes to celebrate their ongoing bromance. And everyone lets go of their fixation on Whitney.

Featuring a smorgasbord of Whitney Houston's hits: "How Will I Know," performed by Mercedes, Santana, Rachel, and Kurt; "I Have Nothing," performed by Kurt; "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," performed by Brit-Brit and Santana; "It's Not Right but It's Okay," performed by Blaine, with everyone except Kurt providing judgmental backup; "My Love Is Your Love," performed by Mercedes and Artie; " target="_new">Saving All My Love for You," performed by Quinn and New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up; and "So Emotional," performed by Santana and Rachel.

Now somebody come to my house and make me a croque madame!

We open on a gaggle of morose teens gathered around a locker, in which they've constructed a shrine to Whitney Houston. This parliament of crows is made up of Mercedes, Kurt, Santana, and Rachel. They have lit candles in their little locker shrine. I guess burning the school down would be one way of putting this show out of its misery. Mercedes is singing an a cappella version of "How Will I Know," and the others join in as they walk down the hall. Will gives them a worried look as they proceed down the corridor. Which either means they're singing out loud or a worried Will is part of their joint fantasy. Or maybe they're just so inured to his omnipresent worrying face that their collective subconscious can't help but picture him there.

The song continues as they walk into the library. Before long, they transition to the auditorium. Good lord, the amazing sparkly gown that Santana is wearing on stage just made me a little bit straight. The others all look lovely too. But seriously, that dress is a killer. The song finishes and we cut to the title card. That song alone would have been a great tribute to Whitney Houston. But instead we've got the rest of this episode to suffer through.

Will is in Emma's office, consulting with her about the fact that the glee kids are still obsessing over Whitney's death a couple of months after she died. After not obsessing over it for the last couple of months. Emma hands will a pamphlet entitled, "Princess Di: Why I Can't Stop Crying?" She tells him the story of her own two-month mourning period after Diana died, which she now understands was caused by the fact that she was really mourning the end of her childhood as she prepared to leave high school. I love the idea that teenage Emma made this pamphlet so she could hand it to people to explain why she was crying. Anyway, they decide that the kids have latched onto Whitney in a similar response to their upcoming graduation.

Choir room. Rachel and Mercedes are arguing over whether The Bodyguard was originally written for Barbra Streisand or Diana Ross. I thought it was written for Divine? No, Will informs us that it was written for Ms. Ross. And then he tells them that the week's theme is Whitney. Duh. Didn't he hear that opening number? Or see all the ads for the episode? They decide that they'll ignore all of Whitney's personal problems and focus on her musical legacy. Will wants them to prepare Whitney Houston songs that express their emotions about the upcoming end of the season. I mean "school." And, for some of them, the upcoming non-renewal of their contracts. Santana basically tells Will to shove his psychobabble where the sun don't shine (which is deep down in his overly gelled hair). Rachel doesn't care about Will's misguided attempt to provide musical therapy, since the theme means she gets to tackle Whitney's 1991 rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner ."

Blaine's locker. Kurt approaches Blaine to share his conflict over which Whitney song to sing. Before Blaine can really say anything, Kurt tells him that he may choose one song for the week's assignment and prepare a different Whitney hit for his fake theater school audition. He wants Blaine to join him at the local sheet music store to make some choices, but Blaine can't just take off that afternoon.

Kurt's at Between the Sheets music store, where he is accosted by a young gay with frosted tips, geek-chic glasses and a really unfortunate hat who praises his broach. They introduce themselves -- young gay is actually Chandler. He goes to North Lima High and he's there looking for music for an audition that he has coming up for the musical theater program at NYU. Which is an actual program at an actual school. Kurt tells Chandler about his own upcoming audition and his search for the perfect Whitney song, causing Chandler to just about splooge himself right there in the aisles of the store. Chandler apologizes for his hysterics, but Kurt tells him that his enthusiasm is refreshing. Chandler knows to quit before he can ruin the good impression he's made, but he doesn't leave before asking if he can have Kurt's number.

Music room, where Brit-Brit is singing the opening to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." She's obviously no Whitney when it comes to singing, but it's a great showcase for her dancing. As she pulls various people up to dance with her, we see a sad look on Quinn's face. The song cuts to the auditorium, where Santana has joined Brit on vocals, backed up by a million dancing Cheerios. They're both wearing a dress similar to what Whitney actually wore in the video for "How Will I Know?" Which is probably a better choice than any of the fashion abortions she wore in the video for this song. After the song finishes, Brit says that it expresses her emotion of liking to dance with Santana. Which is probably about as complex as her emotions get. Commercials.

Quinn's locker. New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up approaches Quinn and asks her if she's okay, since he noticed her looking a little blue during Brit's performance. He asks about her physical therapy, and she tells him it doesn't seem to be working, which is pretty depressing. He offers to go with her, because he's such a good Christian. And because he's got the hots for her. Because, come on, she's much hotter than any girl he knew when he was being home-schooled.

By LTG

Will enters Emma's office with a surprise for her. It's a personalized invitation to an appointment with Mr. Lavender, the Lima area's hottest wedding planner. Emma doesn't think they need a planner since they have so much time. But Will wants to move the wedding up to May. She asks him if it's about sex, thereby answering the question as to whether they've been doing it. He tells her it's because he's been in love with her for three years and doesn't want to wait. He silences her concerns with some kisses.

Kurt is dusting the Whitney shrine in his locker when Rachel approaches to complain that she's realized she just can't sing the national anthem as well as Whitney. Kurt gets a text, and she realizes from his smile that it's a sexy text from Blaine. But it's not -- it's a text from Chandler, and it reads, "Are you an astronaut? Because your smile is out of this world." Is Chandler getting his pickup lines from the back of a Dixie cup? Rachel grabs Kurt's phone and realizes he and Chandler have been texting for two days. Kurt claims it's innocent, but Rachel knows better, telling him he should be reserving his flirty texting for Blaine. But Kurt tells her that Blaine barely texts him, and that they haven't had "an unscheduled make-out session" in a month. Kurt has self-diagnosed it as a case of lesbian bed death. He knows that they love each other, but it's still nice to feel desired, which is what Chandler's texts make him feel. He thinks it's innocent, but Rachel points out that if it was really so innocent, he would have told Blaine about it.

Schuester/Pillsbury dining room. Will comes home to find Emma meeting with Mr. Lavender, who turns out to be a butch ex-marine whose actual name is "La-VEN-der." Emma and Mr. Lavender start throwing ideas at Will, and he interrupts to tell them that he'll need a stage for the reception, because he will be rapping. Please God let that episode be Demian's to recap. And the stage will need to be big enough for the glee club, since they'll also be performing. Mr. Lavender tells them there's no venue available in May that can accommodate a stage. So there's a blowup about the date, and Will fires Mr. Lavender.

Boys locker room. Sam is lifting weights and for some reason there's porn music playing. I mean, that's really playing, right? It's not just in my head? Anyway, New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up enters and tells Sam he wants to talk about Quinn. Sam knows that he's into Quinn and tells him that she appears to be into him as well. New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up wants advice on what to do about his "feelings." Sam: "Here's the thing about me. I can be super helpful, but when you ask me stuff you have to be real specific." It's so nice to find a character with some self-awareness. Even if it is just self-awareness that he's dumb. Sam's not so dumb that he doesn't realize that New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up is talking about "in your pants feelings." While New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up is looking for advice on how to resist temptation, Sam's more interested in telling him that you should just give into it (which he did while working as a stripper), since there's no fighting biology. Sam thinks New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up is going to have to choose between God and Quinn. Um, can't the two of them date without having sex?

Kurt's bedroom. He enters bearing a tray with a cheese plate for his and Blaine's Being Bobby Brown marathon when Blaine asks him who Chandler is. Kurt, if you're going to carry on a non-sexual texting affair, you have got to learn to keep your phone with you at all times. That's like rule number one of having an affair. The fact that he left his phone in the room with Blaine while a stream of texts came in from Chandler is how Blaine learned about the non-sexual texting affair. Blaine labels Kurt's activity as cheating. Kurt points out that Blaine used to text and call Sebastian, but Blaine notes that he was clear with Sebastian that he didn't like him, and the texts weren't flirty. Blaine realizes that Kurt likes Chandler, and Kurt cops to liking the way he makes him feel, since Blaine has stopped complimenting him or flirting with him. Kurt just can't accept the point of view that what he's doing is cheating.

By LTG

Which brings us to the music room, where a very angry Blaine sings "It's Not Right, But It's Okay," which he dedicates to "anyone who's ever been cheated on." Kurt denies having cheated on Blaine. Brit: "Cheetahs have the fastest land speed of any living animal." During the song everybody except for Kurt provides judgmental backup to Blaine. Kurt, if you're the only one who doesn't think you're cheating, maybe you should take a clue from that. Commercials.

Emma's office. Kurt and Blaine are there because Kurt has asked for some couple's counseling. Blaine, to Emma: "Are you qualified for that?" Emma: "Not really. Or at all." But she'll give it a try anyway. She asks them to be brutally honest. Blaine explains that he got upset after discovering Kurt was texting a guy. Kurt reminds him that he sang a song to express his regrets, and Emma puts away the pamphlet titled, "Say Sorry with a Song." And then they start sharing the minor things they find annoying about each other. One of the things Blaine finds annoying is that Kurt keeps putting bronzer into his moisturizer. Kurt thinks he looks good with some color. Blaine: "I only use lotion on my hands. It looks weird if a person just has tan hands." And tan junk, I'm guessing. (Look, I'm not the one that shared that they've been lacking in the passion department. If they've been keeping their hands off each other, you know they haven't been keeping them off themselves.) And then we hit the meat of the problem -- Blaine's sick of constantly hearing about the fake theater school, because it reminds him that Kurt seems entirely too eager to head off to New York without any thought for the fact that he's leaving Blaine behind. Which is why Blaine has been distant -- he's scared of what will happen to them after Kurt leaves. Kurt makes the entirely realistic yet implausible promise that they'll be able to maintain a long-distance relationship. Oh my God. Did Emma just do a good job of counseling?

Schuester/Pillsbury living room. Emma enters as Will pours two glasses of champagne. He wants to toast the fact that he's found the perfect wedding location -- a KOA campground. While not disputing Will's claim that it would be romantic to be married under the stars, Emma reminds him that she has OCD and that being out in the great outdoors probably wouldn't be fun for her. She points out that they can find plenty of other places if they move the wedding to the fall. Will refuses. This time, it's her job to cut to the point -- she bluntly tells him that the glee kids will still come to the wedding if it happens after they graduate. And she hits the point -- Will is freaked out about what it will be like if they don't. He's grown way too attached to these kids, since they were the kids who changed his life. Emma reminds him that the love he and the kids have for each other won't go away. Did Emma just do another good job of counseling? Commercials.

Physical therapy. New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up, rather than a trained physical therapist, is stretching Quinn's leg. She grabs the back of her own leg and her hand brushes up against his boner. She seems happily surprised. Embarrassed, he drops her leg and apologizes, telling her that she's the hottest girl he's ever met. Quinn demonstrates why she was accepted to Yale by pointing out that he's met very few girls in his life. He calls her out on tearing herself down. He offers to help her see just how beautiful she is. Quinn asks if he wants to go out with her, and he tells her that he does, but that he's worried that he'll end up committing a sin of the flesh with her. She tells him that she wouldn't ask him to violate his faith. So now they're kind of going out? Maybe?

By LTG

Blaine approaches Kurt in the hall and compliments him on the jaunty angle of his cap. Kurt gets a text and he swears it's not Chandler. Blaine knows, since it's from him -- it's a suggestion that they sneak off for some unscheduled making out. Kurt points out that they have glee club rehearsal, but Blaine reminds him that it's an optional practice, so he doubts anybody will be there. But Kurt doesn't want to miss any chances to sing with his friends, and with Blaine.

Auditorium. Mercedes and Artie are on stage singing "My Love Is Your Love." Kurt and Blaine join in when they enter the room, and all the other members of the club gradually wander in and join the song. Will happily watches this moment from the wings. We also get flashes of the kids taking down their Whitney shrine and replacing it with a photo of the club together.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and benefits attorney and a part-time bodyguard for lonely pop stars. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.