Man, I Was Really Hoping For Jill Sobule

S03E07

I hope nothing important happened in the first five minutes of the episode, because my cable company gave me nothing but a blank screen. Anyway, New Directions and the Troubletones get together to sing some songs to Santana to let her know they still love her even if she is a big lesbian. She's completely dismissive of Kurt and Blaine's effort, and Puck's love song ends up being obviously directed at Shelby, much to Quinn's chagrin. Finn confronts her, consumed with guilt that his outing her will lead to her suicide, and she appears to forgive him after he sings a lovely cover of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" to her. And she seems to appreciate it when all the girls of both groups get together to shut down a lesbophobic rugby player who thinks he can be the one to straighten her out. Even her parents are okay with her lady-loving ways. But things go south when she gives a lovely coming out speech to her grandmother and her abuela tells her that she never wants to see her again.

That love song Puck sings in the direction of Shelby pays off when she calls him for help when Beth falls and splits her lip. He parlays an alpha-male performance in front of the doctor into a roll in the hay with Shelby, but she still has enough sense to recognize a horrible mistake after she's made it and throws him out. Which leads him to the arms of Quinn, who wants to get knocked up again. He talks her out of that, but makes the mistake of confiding in her about his fling with Shelby. From the disgusted look on Quinn's face, that may come back to bite him some time in the future.

Meanwhile, Sue has decided she needs to start dating a man before her opponent's ad questioning her sexuality airs, and she sets her eyes on Cooter, Coach Beiste's new fella. The fact that Coach punched him the one time he tried to hold her hand makes it a lot easier for Sue to make her move. But the Panther finally realizes she needs to show Cooter how she feels, and she vows she won't go down without a fight.

And it's finally time for elections, both school and Congressional. Kurt's terrified that he'll lose and will never get into that fake theater school. And then things get worse when he wins by such a large margin that Figgins accuses him of stuffing the ballot box. Of course, St. Gay would never do such a thing -- Rachel was the one who freaked out and stuffed the box. She saves Kurt from unjust punishment by confessing to Figgins, leading to a one-week suspension and being banned from competing at Sectionals. Oh, and also, Burt wins his election and is now the newest Congressman from Ohio.

Featuring k.d. lang's "Constant Craving," performed by Santana and Shelby Corcoran, Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect," performed by Kurt and Blaine, a really slowed-down, stripped-down arrangement of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," performed by Finn, Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl," performed by the ladies of New Directions and the Troubletones (with Rachel and Santana on lead), Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One," performed by Puck, and Dolly Parton's "Jolene," performed by Coach Beiste. (Please do enjoy the hair at that last link. It's insane, even for the '70s.)

We open in the Maharishi's Sanctum of Suspension, where Figgins has just told Santana that her unprovoked slapping of Finn is being punished with a two-week suspension, due to the school's "zero tolerance policy." Zero tolerance for what? Continuity? Logic? Good teaching? Oh, "violence," according to Figgins. Santana points out all the slushy-throwers over the years that have gone unpunished, but Figgins tells her that slushies are not on the school board's list of banned weapons. So if Santana had smacked Finn with an egg beater, she wouldn't be in trouble? Figgins also rejects Santana's claim that the real culprit in the face-slapping incident was her evil alter ego, Snix. The two-week suspension will cause Santana to miss Sectionals, but neither Will nor Shelby (who are both in the office) seem willing to go to bat for Santana. But then Finn steps up and claims that the slap was really just a stage slap, so Santana can't really be punished. Figgins admits that he can't really punish Santana for a slap that never happened. Okay then, problem solved. That was a short episode.

Oh, I guess not. Finn and Santana walk into the hall and continue to talk. Santana can't figure out what devious angle Finn is working, but he tells her he's just trying to show her that she's not alone and that people (including him) care about her. He also blackmails her, telling her that she has to agree that the Troubletones and New Directions will get together for the week for a lesson that Finn has just thought up. If she doesn't agree, he'll tell Figgins the slap was real and let Santana take a two-week vacation.

Rachel walks down the hall as her V.O. tells us how worried she is about the election. If Kurt doesn't win, she thinks he won't get into the made-up NY theater school, and then she'll be without her best gay when she needs fashion advice. And Kurt's victory looks even less likely when we see Brit-Brit handing out pixie stix and promising a steady stream of sugary snacks if she's elected. Rachel, in a little flash sideways, complains to Figgins, but he's already been paid off and is downing his own purple sugary mix. Back in the hallway, Rachel approaches Kurt's locker, where Jewfro is interviewing him about his impending loss. Kurt points out that Jewfro's own polling has him ten points ahead of Hockey Hair (a.k.a. "Rick the Stick"), but Jewfro notes that's only because Hockey Hair is in a coma following a vicious hockey game. Further, Kurt is seventeen points behind Brit-Brit. Jewfro sees Brit and runs off after her, calling out "Madame President!" Rachel tells Kurt not to worry, but he tells her that he's so worried he's thinking about pulling "a JFK." Rachel: "You're gonna shoot Brittany?" Kurt tells her that he's actually thinking of rigging the vote. Because if his resumé is blank, he won't get into the fake school. Hasn't he been in the New Directions for three years? Didn't his performance of Celine Dion songs (in French) help the Cheerios win their last national title? Hasn't he been working on his father's election? Won't all those help him get into the fake school?

Music room. The Troubletones have joined the New Directions. Or at least, the Troubletones with names and lines -- Santana, Brit, Mercedes, and Sugar Motta. But none of the others. Finn writes "Lady Music" on the whiteboard, and tells everyone that the lesson for the week is to sing songs "by ladies, for ladies." For the sole purpose of demonstrating to Santana that they're all super cool with her being a giant lesbian. Santana's not thrilled with the idea, but she's got that suspension hanging over head, so she doesn't put up too much of a fuss. And Will and Shelby don't seem to have any thoughts. I mean, about the lesson. Although with Will, not having any thoughts is probably par for the course. And then Finn turns it over to Kurt and Blaine, who sing Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect." But not before Santana insults Blaine's hair gel and bowtie. God bless her. Although she somehow fails to comment on Kurt's sweater. Or, rather, half-sweater. Lest you think it's a belly-shirt, it's actually cut diagonally. Is there a yarn shortage I'm not aware of? Maybe lack of yarn is the explanation for Blaine's constant socklessness. Anyway, Santana's post-song thanks are followed immediately by insults.

Ah, it's the return of Sue's journal. She's worried about the ad that Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar is about to run: "Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girls' sport and I married myself? It just doesn't make sense. The truth is, Journal, I'm attracted to men. Sure, I can't stand watching them eat or talking to them, but when it comes to getting sexy, this gal's got a hole in her heart only a fella can fill." Her only available option is to find a man, so she whips out her little black book (which is not so little, and is embossed "Sue's Booty Calls" on the cover) to find some man candy: "Dan Quayle? Too needy. Steven Baldwin? Train wreck. Oliver North? Biter. Matt Lauer? Too much crying. Johnnie Cochran? Pretty sure he's dead." She turns the page, and her voice-over proclaims "Eureka! That's the kind of guy I need. Better luck time, David Boreanaz. Sue Sylvester's found her man." Look out, Chris Noth. I bet she's coming after you.

Teachers' lounge. Emma, with a queasy look on her face, asks Coach Beiste about her lunch. It turns out the Panther has just discovered Turducken, and she's tucking into one with her bare hands. She's stuffing herself with protein to keep up her energy, which is depleted by her work on the student elections and her busy evenings with Cooter. She's grateful for their offer of help counting election ballots: "My quadriceps have been trembling like jelly all day. Cooter really pushed me to my limit last night." But she's talking about weightlifting, not Cooter-lifting. But that's okay with Coach -- she's decided that Cooter is the only guy for her.

Which is a nice segue to Puck in the music room singing Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One." Although it's part of the Lady Music lesson that's supposed to be all about supporting Santana, he spends most of the song giving the sex eye to Shelby. She's sitting right behind Quinn, who thinks the sex eye is intended for her until she realizes that Puck is really looking at Shelby. Kurt, by the way, is wearing the same shirt he wore in his earlier scene at his locker, which is not the sweater he was wearing when he sang to Santana. Is it more likely that the editors would mess up the order of scenes, or that Kurt would wear the same outfit twice in the same week? At the end of the song, Puck dedicates it to Santana, telling her that he's glad he could be part of the phase where she slept with dudes.

Quinn approaches Puck at his locker to tell him how hot he was singing the song. But she thinks something's wrong with his eyes, since he spent the entire song staring at Shelby. He stammers for a bit and then tells her he was trying to get the message across to Shelby that he and Quinn are the only ones she should trust to take care of the baby. "That song was mainly about babysitting, for me." Quinn: "My mom is going on a Christian wine-tasting boat down the Ohio River on Friday." She invites Puck to come over to rekindle the love he felt for her after Beth was born. Puck's not interested, so she makes it clear that she's offering sex. But Puck shoots her down, since he's learned over the last couple of years that she's kind of crazy. So he'd "rather raw-dog a beehive." I don't even want to know what that means.

Finn approaches Santana's locker to ask her how she feels about the week's assignment. If it's another student coming up with the stupid theme for the week's songs, is it really an "assignment"? Anyway, Santana accuses Finn of forcing her "out of the flannel closet." He reminds her that it's The Sauce that's outing her on TV. She doesn't understand why he cares so much, and he tells her that he's worried that she'll kill herself. Santana: "Well thanks, but that's never gonna happen. I'd miss me too much." As would I, Snix. Finn tells her that since she was his first, she means something to him, and that he couldn't live with himself if something happened to her and he could have stopped it.

And now we segue back to the music room, where Finn sings Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." If, like me, you love this stripped-down arrangement, you should know that it's by singer/songwriter Greg Laswell. (And thanks to forum poster Lily Meadows for helping me make that connection.) By the end of the song, a number of other guys are softly singing along, and Santana has tears in her eyes. After Finn finishes, she stands up, thanks him, and pulls him into a hug.

By LTG

Coach Beiste is at Breadstix, picking up a bag of cheesy chicken to go, when she sees Cooter dining with Sue. Okay, Chris Noth, you can stand down now -- Sue's not coming for you. This time. Sue's not just out on a date with Cooter -- she's making sure the press gets wind of it, with Becky snapping some pictures for the newspaper and Sue doing phone interviews. Coach Beiste walks up to their table to find out just what the hell is going on. Sue and Cooter both tell her they're on a date when Sue has to leave to take a call. Coach tells Cooter that she thought they weren't seeing anybody but each other, but he tells her that she's been really tough to read. "I tried to hold your hand, and you punched me." That's not so tough to read, if you ask me. Cooter tells her that he doesn't want a buddy to lift weights with -- he wants a woman.

It's election day! There are a million students lined up for the student elections, and one grownup for the "real election." Jewfro interviews Santana and Brit about who they're voting for, and is surprised to hear Brit say that she plans to vote for Rick the Stick. But that doesn't throw him off his script of predicting a Brit-Brit victory. He tries to get an interview with Kurt, but Finn shoves him away. Kurt feels miserable, but Finn and Rachel are more optimistic. Rachel points out that Quinn is entering the voting booth, and she's sure to vote for Kurt. In the voting booth, Quinn's V.O. tells us that she's voting for Brit because she's the candidate who's most girl. Which is Brit, if you're not certain. Mercedes votes for Kurt, mostly because she worries that Brit's victory would make Santana insufferable. Mike Chang and Finn vote for Kurt, Santana votes for Brit, and Puck votes for Ross Perot. While Kurt is voting, his V.O. tells us how a loss will doom his chances of getting into NYADA. In fact, he refers to it as "the difference between my dreams coming true and managing a Sonic Burger." On behalf of every successful performer who ever attended a school other than the made-up theater school, I say to Kurt, "Shut your pie hole!"

Hallway. Some dudes look at Santana, and then a rugby jock accosts her at her locker. Wait, this school has a rugby team? What sports don't they have? Anyway, rugby dude is totally gross, and Santana seems genuinely frightened. But then the combined girls of New Directions and the Troubletones come to her defense, leading to all of them taking off down the hall singing Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." I really would have rather heard them sing Jill Sobule. The song finishes in the music room, where the boys are really enjoying themselves. After the song finishes, Santana tells everybody that she came out to her parents and they were pretty accepting. I know it pissed some forum posters off that this discussion happened off camera, but if they're only going to have one of her difficult coming out talks, I'm glad they chose her abuela later in the episode. And then Figgins interrupts the rehearsal to call Kurt to his office.

In the Maharishi's Bureau of Ballot-Stuffing, Figgins congratulates Burt on the early exit polling numbers that show him winning his election. He also tells Kurt that he won by a suspiciously high margin. In fact, the total number of ballots case exceed the number of students eligible to vote. Which does go a long way to making Kurt look guilty. Kurt acknowledges having considered cheating, but he swears he didn't do it.

In the hallway, Kurt tells Rachel and Finn that if Figgins can prove he stuffed the ballot box, then he'll be suspended. And either way, he's lost the election. Kurt's certain NYADA will never take him now. Um, in addition to the other things I've already mentioned, isn't Kurt also perhaps about to be the son of Ohio's newest member of Congress? A member of Congress who ran on a platform of supporting the arts? Surely that'll help his chances, won't it? Kurt leaves the two of them to find Blaine, and Rachel confesses to Finn that she stuffed the ballot boxes. We cut to her in the voting booth, stuffing tons of ballots into the box. I'm guessing she lifted those ballots when the Coach was so distracted by her "Jolene" fantasy. Finn tells Rachel she has to confess, but she's scared of being suspended. But Finn points out that Kurt is at risk of being suspended. Dilemma!

Geometry class. I guess. Although I'm pretty sure this is the same teacher who taught Geography in an earlier episode. Anyway, Puck is there, and he's the only student who can answer a question about the quadratic equation. The teacher is shocked, but he tells her that since he started doing the books for his pool cleaning business, he's become some kind of mathematical savant. The entire class is stunned. And then Puck's phone rings. He tells the teacher it's a family emergency and walks out of the room.

That family emergency turns out to be Shelby, at the hospital, where Beth is being treated for a split lip. Beth fell down, Shelby brought her to the hospital, and then she called Puck in what I can only assume was some kind of psychotic fugue state. The doctor comes out to tell them that Beth is fine, and then Puck gets all butch and demands that a plastic surgeon see Beth so she doesn't end up with any scars. And then he holds Shelby.

And then we cut to Puck, in Shelby's bed, engaging in some post-coital braggadocio. He's ready to go again, but she's come to her senses and tells him that he needs to leave. And Puck gets pissed off. He tells her that he thought she was an ass-kicker, but she turns out to be a coward.

And now it's the money scene. Santana is in her abuela's kitchen, eating dinner. Her grandma is wandering around the kitchen finding more food to push at Santana, but Santana just wants her to sit down so Santana can speak to her. Santana's in her civilian clothes, by the way, and her hair looks amazing. Santana wants to tell her abuela a secret. Abuela: "Santana, are you pregnant? Because I will beat you up with this chair." Santana tells her there's no bun in the oven, and goes on to tell her how much she's always admired her for her strength and for her independence. Santana: "I love girls the way I'm supposed to feel about boys. It's just something that's always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me, who I really am. When I'm with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside, but every day just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world, when I'm really just fighting with myself. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me. Say something, please." That speech may not have been the most beautifully worded, but it was beautifully true. That is exactly the kind of speech that so many gay kids have given to their parents or grandparents, trying to explain this burning need to tell the truth even if they fear the truth will hurt. And then Santana hears the response from her abuela that so many gay kids hear from their parents or grandparents: "I don't ever want to see you again." Abuela leaves the kitchen, and Santana breaks down in tears.

And if that scene was the money scene, this scene is the exact opposite of the money scene. It's the credit default swap scene. Puck and Quinn are making out in Quinn's bed. Long story short, Quinn has realized that trying to get Beth back was a mistake, so she wants Puck to knock her up again. Puck refuses, and then apologizes to her for not seeing just how messed up she's been for the last couple of years. He wishes he could help her, but he's not going to have sex with her. She asks him to stay and just cuddle with her. And then he tells her that he's got a big secret to tell her. Oh, Puck, you really are stupid.

By LTG

Sue's office. She's holding a newspaper, the headline of which announces Burt's victory. Cooter asks her how bad it was -- she came in third, with just 16% of the vote. Cooter wants to know what that means for the two of them. Well, at least he realizes he was just a political prop. And then Coach Beiste is a Sue's door with the same question. Cooter starts to say something, but Sue tells him to sit down and shut up: "This is between me and Brian Dennehy." Having lost the election, Sue has no intention of losing Cooter. Cooter finally gets his nerve up to tell the Coach that while he likes her a lot, he also likes Sue. For real? She must be crazy good in bed to make up for all the crazy outside of it. And then the Panther tells Cooter that she's in love with him. She tells him she'll do anything to win him back, and promises Sue that she won't go down without a fight. Well then, game on.

Music room. Will and Shelby tell the kids that singing together for the week has ensured that they'll all go into Sectionals with more empathy for each other. Artie asks Finn where Rachel is, but gets no real answer. And then Kurt, who's wearing a hideous poncho sweater thing, rises to congratulate Brit-Brit on her victory: "Rule wisely. Rule fabulously." And then it's Santana's turn to sing her lady music. She's picked k.d. lang's "Constant Craving." Shelby joins in on the second verse. As the song progresses, we see Shelby eying Puck in the hallway, Beiste lifting weights, the incredibly tiny Hummel victory celebration, Kurt putting his NYADA application in an envelope, and Quinn giving Shelby the disgusted stink-eye. And then a teary-eyed Rachel walks into the music room, to tell them that she confessed to stuffing the ballot box and has been suspended. Which means she'll miss Sectionals.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and benefits attorney and a part-time ballot-box stuffer. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.