The First Ever Glee Holiday Extravaganza finds Will Schuester suffering mightily through the seasonal good cheer, as this will be his first Christmas spent all by his lonesome, presumably because his parents died in a horrific and fiery car smash at some point over the last year and nobody thought to tell us about it. Because Will is nothing if not expert at sublimating his private disappointments by manufacturing supposedly educational tasks for his hapless Glee Clubbers, he decides to send the kiddies caroling throughout the school in order to raise funds for Lima's McKinney-Vento unfortunates, but all seems lost when the kiddies find themselves pelted with footwear as thanks for their troubles. How wonderful, then, that Sue Sylvester decided to rig the faculty's Secret Santa exchange so that each and every one of her colleagues ended up drawing her name. With an assist from Coach Beiste (and those few football players who aren't otherwise occupied hurling Yuletide slushies at adolescent outcasts), Mr. Schue promptly confiscates all of Sue's ill-gotten gains, intending to donate her fur-lined track suit, her really expensive blender, and her half-dozen Shake Weights to the homeless, but alas! Will makes the fatal error of calling Sue a grinch, so what does Our Miss Sylvester do? She dresses up as the actual Grinch -- with notable Sue Sylvester sidekick Becky costumed as notable Grinch sidekick Reindog Max -- and steals all her gifts back after thrashing New Directions' tacky holiday decorations with a golf club. Sniff! It's almost enough to make Yours Truly believe in Santa Claus again.
Speaking of which, coincidentally enough: Guess who still carries a torch for that jolly old elf? None other than dear, dim Brit-Brit. Which, you know, makes a lot of sense, especially after last week's revelation regarding Jiminy Cricket and her jewelry. In any event, Artie finds this faith of Brittany's endearing, so he conspires with several other Glee Clubbers to ensure said faith endures. To that end, they all head to the mall to present an exceptionally tan Santa with their holiday wish lists, and things go swimmingly until Brittany asks Tan Santa to make Artie's legs work again. Well, actually, things go swimmingly until Tan Santa pops a roll of Certs in his pants pocket when Santana Lopez perches on his lap, but it's the Brittany thing we're supposed to be worried about. Artie and some of the other boys convince Coach Beiste to pose as Santa in order to explain to Brittany why some wishes can't ever come true, but Brittany's miserable reaction to this news softens Coach Beiste's already nougaty interior, and the coach effects a true Christmas miracle when she somehow hacks up $100,000 to buy Artie an as-yet-unreleased ReWalk. I know high school football programs are disgustingly overfunded, but really?
In other similarly heartening news, Kurt's settling in quite nicely at Dalton, thank you very much, and Finn and Rachel are dunzo. And in the end, Sue for some reason decides to deck Will's halls with boughs of holly, and I am very sad to note that "deck Will's halls with boughs of holly" is not a fun euphemism for physical violence.
Featuring "The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year" from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, as performed by New Directions while decorating McKinley's music room; "We Need A Little Christmas" from Mame, as performed by the Glee Clubbers on their disastrous tour of the school; "Merry Christmas, Darling" from noted anorexic Karen Carpenter, as performed by Rachel for some reason I've already forgotten about; "Baby, It's Cold Outside" from noted Esther Williams vehicle Neptune's Daughter, as adorably performed by Kurt and Blaine in their adorably appointed aerie; "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" from How the Grinch Stole Christmas! as performed by k.d. lang (!!) while Sue thrashes New Directions' tacky holiday decorations with a golf club (!!!<3!!!); the absolutely abysmal "Last Christmas" from Wham!, as performed by at least Rachel and probably Finn for some other reason I've already forgotten about; and Grinch's "Welcome Christmas," as performed by the kiddies after Sue stole all of her gifts back.
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The camera finds Will sitting alone in the festively decorated McKinley faculty lounge, casually attired in a holiday-themed sweater vest while nibbling on a casually themed holiday cookie. Emma soon appears in the doorway and hesitantly picks her way across the room to greet him with a meek-sounding, "Hey." Studiously maintaining an air of affable disinterest, Will barely glances up from his paper to respond in kind. Emma takes a moment to steel herself for what follows and, taking the seat opposite him, she asks, "Are we okay?" Will feigns surprise at the question, so Emma plunges on with, "We haven't really talked since I told you about me and Carl -- I mean, we haven't talked at all. Are you avoiding me?" "Not at all," Will LIES with much shrugging of shoulders and popping of eyebrows. An uncomfortable silence ensues until Emma changes the subject by wondering, "So, what are you doing for Christmas this year?" Will announces he'll be spending a little quiet time alone, thank you very much, so Emma of course tries to make him feel like a completely worthless piece of crap by squealing, "You can't spend Christmas by yourself! That's horrible!" "Carl and I are having a big Christmas Eve party," she continues, trying to be helpful while ending up being quite the opposite. "Please at least stop by." Will thanks her kindly for that most unwelcome invitation, then rather bluntly suggests they "keep things separate for a while." Emma's smile falters a bit at this, but she agrees that perhaps it's for the best. They stare into each other's eyes for a few very long seconds until the dulcet tones of Coach Beiste arrive from somewhere off camera to interrupt all of the awkwardness.
"Okay, educators, gather 'round!" Beiste bellows. "It's time to pick your Secret Santa!" Beiste has placed each faculty member's name in a "tub" that once contained a truly massive amount of protein powder and, well, you can figure out the rest. Emma's second to pull a strip of paper from the jar, and the instant she sees the name written she's received, she rolls those bush-baby eyes of hers all the way into the back of her skull. She quickly puts on a brave little face for Will's benefit, though -- a bit of intentional misdirection meant to make us believe she drew his name, I'm guessing -- and Will sticks his arm in the jar to pull out a slip that reads, simply, "Sue." Will sighs.
Out in the hall, Brittany's helping Artie decorate the interior of his locker, and it's really quite elaborate, what with the ornaments and strings of functioning lights and nutcrackers and such. As dear little Brit-Brit hangs a miniature stocking in one of the corners, she confides, "Last year? I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation? An entire family of mice started living in it? Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies?" Artie, whose sporting a truly fugly holiday sweater, replies with a little confidence of his own. "I told my parents that I only want one thing for Christmas this year: Stop friend-requesting me on Facebook." Dear little Brit-Brit beams at this, then thinks to ask, "What are you asking Santa for?" Artie's all, "I'm sorry?" but dear little Brit-Brit is dead serious. "Artie," she chides, "the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. You need to write your letter to Santa really fast and get it in the mail today." Artie gapes. Brittany, oblivious (go figure), adds, "And remember: Even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf." With that, she turns to float off down the hallway, leaving the flabbergasted Artie alone to breathe, "No. Way!" Casually themed title card. And by that, I mean it's green instead of black.
Music room. The kiddies -- accompanied by several festively attired members of the McKinley Jazz Ensemble plus an entirely invisible backup choir, natch -- decorate a scraggedy-looking tree while crooning "The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year" from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, as you do when you're a teenager in high school. It's a complete throw-away sequence, but it's undeniably sweet, and the mid-century harmonies they're tossing out sound lovely. As far as the bits of business go, the cutest comes when Gaylord Weiner sweeps Brit-Brit up into an impromptu waltz around the floor, and the funniest comes when Dianna Agron nearly biffs herself in the face with a gift-wrapped box she was meant to twirl effortlessly through the air. I should also note that saucy minx Lauren Tuna is present to join in on the generalized merriment, even though show choir is stupid. And by the time it's all over, Mr. Schue has magically materialized by the piano to wonder, "What's this?" Wow, he's dumb. "We're trying to get in the Christmas spirit," Finn explains, adding, "Christmas is totally my favorite holiday." There's an inscrutable shot of Rachel reacting to this statement as Finn continues, "And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road -- it must have fell off some guy's car!" "And the ornaments?" Mr. Schue furrows. Santana's got the answer for that one: "The guy who lives door finally killed off his elderly mother, and when they carted him off, they left the house, like, wide open, so, I think she was a holiday hoarder..." "Um," Mr. Schue interrupts, for he is extremely unwilling to hear the end of Santana's delightful story, "and the presents?" "I lifted them from a display at the mall," Puck replies, "but don't worry -- they're empty." God love him.
For whatever bizarre reason, Mr. Schue's decidedly unimpressed with the kiddies' efforts to spread a little seasonal cheer throughout the music room, and while he thanks them for trying, he claims that such displays aren't "what Christmas is supposed to be like." "For us, it is," Mercedes sasses back. "This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club," she asserts. Just go with it. "We've won Sectionals two years in a row," she needlessly reminds everyone, "and according to everyone at this school, we still suck."
Smear sideways to what I'm guessing is the day. Gaylord, Single-T Tina, and Mercedes arrive for first period, nattering happily amongst themselves whilst Karofsky and two of his fellow meatheads ominously approach them with a trio of seasonally appropriate slushies in various shades of red and green. "Ho, ho, ho, losers!" one of the jocks who isn't a closet case (well, not that we know of, so far) bellows as the slushies hit their respective targets, and before we know it, we've smeared back to...
...the music room, where Gaylord mopes, "I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot." "You can eat that, you know," Lauren notes, because she is fat, and therefore rather catholic in her tastes. Mr. Schue blows past all the lunacy to state that he'll not allow New Directions to throw itself "a pity party." "I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year," he admits, clearly still mourning all those lost Emmys, "but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did!" "I thought that was Thanksgiving," Puck murmurs, and I think I've just fallen in love with him all over again. Mr. Schue ignores Puck's eminently sane observation in favor of announcing with vast amounts of self-deluded and -congratulatory smugness, "This year, Glee Club is gonna lend a hand to The McKinney-Vento Homeless Children And Youth Program right here in Lima!" And how, pray tell, are the children supposed to do that? By caroling, of course, from classroom to classroom to raise money for this mythic McKinney-Vento Homeless Children And Youth Program right there in Lima, about which I can find nothing on the Internets. The children are horrified. "We're gonna be killed," Quinn sighs. Finn attempts to rally the troops with some nonsense about Christmas miracles, but none of it really matters, because Mr. Schue's decided to sublimate his own conflicting emotions surrounding the holiday season by having the Glee Club go "full Santa" this year, and when Mr. Schue decides to sublimate his own conflicting emotions about something by having the children perform asinine tasks, well, the children perform asinine tasks. And to that end, we skip ahead to...
...McKinley's inescapable astronomy classroom, where New Directions -- accompanied by ten assorted band geeks -- performs "We Need A Little Christmas" from Mame, with Mercedes taking the lead while the others sway maniacally back and forth behind her with enormous false smiles plastered across their faces, and no sooner has Mercedes made it through the first lines of the song when the catcalls from their disgusted audience begin: "You suck!" "Who goes caroling with a band?" "I'd seriously rather be learning." "You're makin' me hate Christmas!" Things would continue in this vein throughout the number, I'm sure, were it not for the efforts of the intrepid astronomy teacher, who strips off one of her flats and hurls it at the drummer. Hee. And as their disgusted audience screams invective, the Glee Clubbers plus their musical ensemble flee.
And then it's Brittany's turn. On her way to Mall Santa's throne, she takes a moment to whisper to his helper, "Just know you have rights!" before settling into Mall Santa's lap to compliment him on his tan. Mall Santa attributes his suave appearance to the ozone hole currently circling the North Pole, then wonders what Brittany would like for Christmas. Brit-Brit points to Artie in the crowd and announces, "I want him to be able to walk." "You can do that, can't you?" she asks. Meanwhile, Artie's gesticulating wildly and mouthing "NO!" from the mall floor. Tan Santa ignores him and assures Brittany that it won't be a problem at all. "I'm on it!" he adds, a bit gruffly. Brittany giggles her copious thanks while Artie's face falls. "Now we're screwed!" he moans.
Meanwhile, over on the McKinley High auditorium stage, Finn's arrived for his prearranged assignation with Rachel to find her standing in the middle of a veritable winter wonderland of artificial trees. "Now remember," he overhears her instructing one of McKinley's ever-present Jazz Ensemble, "it has to be lush and romantic." "Why?" Finn wonders. Rachel, startled, burbles something nervous about wanting things to be perfect when she gives a gift before pulling herself together and handing him an artfully decorated box, within which he finds a sheet of paper that reads as follows: "The bearer of this note is entitled to one song of Rachel Berry's choosing, sung to him or her with love." "Come sit!" she smiles, trying to lead him to a stool, but Finn obstinately and rudely pulls away from her to blurt, "I don't think so -- I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work." Instantly mortified by the scene he's causing -- and in front of Tinkles, no less -- Rachel whispers a plea for him not to make her apologize in front of the band, but Finn starts ranting about Betrayal! and Lies! and Bruised Feelings! and such, and as he's being a tremendous dick about the whole thing, he needs to shut up and fuck off immediately. Unfortunately, he doesn't, so I'm forced to fast-forward through the ensuing adolescent screechery until Finn flounces off stage right, leaving Rachel's thoughtful present behind. "Should we, like, leave?" the Jazz Ensemble's square-jawed guitarist wonders. Rachel shakes her brave little head and notes, "Whether it's a heart attack or heartbreak, just like on Broadway, the show must go on." "Besides," she adds, "the A.V. Club worked so hard on the snow." And as the A.V. Club's snow starts fluttering down from the flies, Rachel begins to sing Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas, Darling," a song about which I have absolutely no opinion. !
And just as Blaine exits The Dalton Academy First-Class Dining Car, who should appear to take his place but none other than Mr. Schuester himself. This should suck. Mr. Schue and Kurt greet each other warmly, and once the hellos have been dispensed with, Mr. Schue nods his unruly and possibly vermin-infested mop in Blaine's general direction to wonder, "Someone special?" "No," Kurt sighs, "just a friend, but on the upside, I'm in love with him, and he's actually gay. I call that progress!" Kurt's so much more fun when he's being confidently self-deprecating. Well, and when he's being bitchy, too. More confidently bitchy and self-deprecating Kurt, please! Anyway, where the hell were we? Oh, yes: Long story short, Mr. Schue's "really bad at Christmas shopping."
Smear sideways to Will's last Christmas with Terri. He bought her jumper cables. Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaah!
Smear back to The Dalton Academy First-Class Dining Car, where Mr. Schue asks for Kurt's help in picking out a Secret Santa gift for Sue. Kurt, of course, has the perfect idea. Of course he does.
McKinley High, presumably the morning. Emma dejectedly totes an exquisitely wrapped gift through the halls as Will falls in step beside her to wonder who'll be receiving it. Surprisingly enough, the present's for Sue, whom Emma also drew as her Secret Santa. "Wait a minute!" Will gulps. "That's not possible -- Sue's my Secret Santa!" "No," the just-arriving Coach Beiste interjects, "Sue's my Secret Santa."
"I'm everybody's Secret Santa," Sue confirms with a barely perceptible smirk on her face once we've leapt into her office to witness the wacky hijinks that follow. "You rigged Secret Santa?" Emma peeves. "How?" Beiste bleats. "It was my idea!" "You're not the only person in this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful," Sue reminds her, and with that, we...
...smear sideways to a couple of days ago, where we find Sue lugging a three-foot stack of textbooks through the hallway in slow-motion. "Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist?" Sue's present-day voiceover prompts as we watch the ever-gallant Flashback Beiste place her Secret Santa jar on the floor to offer Flashback Sue her assistance. "Well," Present-Day Sue continues, "that's what we call a diversion." While Flashback Beiste is otherwise occupied, Flashback Becky surreptitiously sneaks around a corner to switch protein powder tubs. Devious!
Smear back to the present, where Emma's just realizing, "You filled your tub with your name only?" "You're a regular Agatha Christie," Sue sardonically allows, "except even more sexless." As Sue reveals that she hates Christmas but loves presents, Becky appears to relieve Will of his gift, which she passes to Sue for the latter's inspection. It's a tracksuit, with a cunning little fur-lined hood for the winter months, and when Will attempts to snatch it back from her, Sue cautions that the gifts are "legally" hers. As she's also "an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department," any further attempts to abscond with her property will result in the perpetrator's arrest. "We are not gonna let you steal Christmas!" Will howls. "You're not gonna get away with this!" Emma agrees. "I think I already have," Sue grins before ordering everyone the hell out of her office. Emma disgustedly drops her gift on the floor and flounces, followed shortly by Coach Beiste and Will, the latter of whom quite pettily -- and quite amusingly, I might add -- unhooks Sue's wall phone before vanishing into the commercial break.
McKinley High Hall. Sporting a furry little Santa cap, Lauren Tuna rounds a corner, only to be confronted by Sue. "Why are you wearing that hat?" Sue demands. "'Cause it's Christmas and it's fun," comes Lauren's deadpan response. "No," Sue corrects, "it's offensive -- you're wearing a Santa Claus hat and yet you're handing me no gifts." "You want my hat," Lauren guesses. "It's a start," Sue nods, and with that, she liberates the furry little Santa cap from Lauren Tuna's head. Just then, Becky skitters around another corner to shout, "Coach! We got a problem!"
Cut to Sue's office, where Will and Coach Beiste supervise as several of the football players liberate Sue's ill-gotten gains, with Will instructing the jocks to place the booty beneath the tree in the music room. "Can you believe it?" Will sighs. "Six different people got Sue a Shake Weight." I'd link to South Park's recent takedown of the illustrious Shake Weight, but this is a family site, for fuck's sake. While Will and Coach Beiste review the inventory they've drawn up, Sue appears in the doorway and loudly instructs Becky to retrieve the tear gas from the glove box of her Le Car before getting Gloria Allred on the phone. Becky darts off to comply with Sue's request, but neither Will nor Coach Beiste seem the slightest bit fazed by Sue's threats, with Will noting that the staff has agreed to donate the gifts they purchased to that mythic McKinney-Vento Homeless Children And Youth Program about which I can find nothing on the Internets. "This will not stand!" Sue vows. "I have legal rights to those gifts!" Not so, claims Will, who checked with the school's human resources department, which granted the faculty permission to repossess any goods Sue managed to procure for herself through "misrepresentation." "Ho, ho, ho!" Will adds as a stinging rebuke before exiting with The Beiste, but alas! He makes the fatal error of calling Sue "a grinch," and we can already tell that Sue's vengeance for this slight will be both swift and merciless.
Locker room, and while this scene is actually one of the most ridiculous of the evening -- and that's saying a lot -- the payoff is actually quite sweet, so instead of focusing on all of the stupidity, I'll skim through it to yank out its central point: Artie, Lady Lips, Gaylord, and Puck prevail upon Coach Beiste to dress up as Santa Claus, sneak into Brittany's house, and gently inform her that her wish for Artie is impossible to grant. Got all that? Good. !
Sue's office, that evening. Becky -- who's got a black piece of something or other stuck to the tip of her nose for some mysterious reason -- unwraps the "hideous gloves" the general staff decided to buy Sue as punishment for the entire Secret Santa debacle, and if the general staff thought Sue would be insulted by the puke-green monstrosities, the general staff was sadly mistaken. "They'll come in handy!" Sue enthuses. "No fingerprints!" "I don't understand why we have to dress up," Becky frowns as she dons a headpiece featuring two floppy brown dog ears on either side of an enormous antler, and they're not... I mean, they can't possibly... Oh, my holy God, they totally are. They are totally ripping off How The Grinch Stole Christmas!, with Becky in the role of loyal Grinch sidekick Reindog Max, and Sue as The Grinch himself. Or, you know, herself. Whatever. To that end, Sue's procured for herself a full Grinch Santa Claus outfit, and is currently spackling her face with about an inch of green makeup. "How'm I looking?" Sue asks. "Fantastic, Coach!" Becky steadfastly replies. "You know," Sue reminisces as she finishes with her mask, "my mastery of camouflage is the only thing that kept me from being court-martialed after that My Lai misunderstanding." And here I thought Sue was only twenty-nine years old. What other fiendish lies has she told over the last season and a half?
And with that, we enter the Grinch homage proper, with faithful Becky tugging a Sue-bearing wagon through the darkened halls as k.d. lang's special cover version of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" plays itself out on the soundtrack. And while it's been a very, very long time since I've seen the 1966 animated special upon which this sequence has been based, I can still recognize some of these shots as direct reproductions of ones in that cartoon, and that is fabulous. Of course, it helps that they've added some truly beautiful new moments of their own, like when Sue starts whacking away at the tree's delicate ornaments with a golf club, or when Sue spray-paints the white keys on Tinkles' baby grand black, or when Sue runs the Glee Club's sheet music through an industrial-sized shredder, or when Sue goes all Joan Crawford on Will's inspirational evergreen with a massive pair of pruning shears, but it's the little references to the deathless Chuck Jones original, like Sue snipping away at the toy-laden stockings with a pair of scissors, that really put me in the holiday mood. Sniff.
And in the end, just as Sue tells Becky to load up the sleigh, they top themselves by having Brittany appear with her hair all done up in twisty, gravity-defying Cindy Lou Who loops. "Santa?" Brittany Lou Who calls out. "Why, Brittany!" Sue responds, dropping her voice an octave in order to play along. "What are you doing here?" She's bringing a gift to put under the tree for the homeless kids, of course. "It's a dollhouse," Brittany reveals, "so at least their dolls won't be homeless." That's both incredibly touching and deeply offensive at the same time. How does she do that? Brittany and Sue then parrot some actual lines from the original special, with Brittany Lou Who wondering what Santa's doing there, and Sue The Grinch lying that she needs to fix a faulty bulb on the tree back at her workshop in the North Pole, and while it's not as much fun as Sue clobbering those goddamned ornaments with a golf club, it's still awfully cute. After relieving Brittany Lou Who of her present, Sue The Grinch sends her on her way, and the sequence ends with faithful Becky tugging that wagon back to Sue's office with Sue riding triumphantly atop her pile of purloined Christmastime goodies. And the last thing we see before the commercial break? Sue's green-skinned, flinty-eyed expression of magnificently malicious malevolence. It's perfect.
Music room, the following morning. Mr. Schue and the children arrive to find the place in utter disarray, of course, and Brittany shares with them all the details of her very special encounter with Santa Claus the evening. Finn, who's completely useless this evening when he's not being completely annoying, delivers yet another Buck Up, Little Campers! speech that does little but give Rachel another misguided idea for getting back into Frankenteen's good graces, and before we know it, we've joined them as they...
...hit up an artfully arranged and terribly photogenic tree lot for a last-minute inspirational evergreen replacement, and...yeah. I have absolutely nothing to say about this scene, in which Rachel tries and fails to get Finn to forgive her, and as the duet they sing is Wham!'s actively repugnant and luridly vile "Last Christmas," I think it's for the best if everyone immediately forgets this sequence ever aired. Commercials.
Music room, the following morning, where Mr. Schue arrives just as the Glee Gals are about to chop off their luscious locks. "What are you doing?" I'm sure he squeals in horror and dismay. "We're going all 'Gift Of The Magi' to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies," Mercedes informs him. "The guys are gonna sell their watches," Lady Lips explains, "and the girls are gonna sell off their hair." "You can't do that!" Mr. Schue insists. "Oh, no, it's cool," Santana assures him. "Most of this isn't mine, anyways." Hee. Of course, that's not what Mr. Schue meant, and he lectures them at length regarding the true meaning of "The Gift Of The Magi," which, as Mr. Schue would have it, is a story about how much everything sucks when your marriage has gone down the tubes and the woman you love ran off to Vegas to marry a hot dentist and you've found yourself in the throes of a midlife crisis that absolutely nobody cares about. And so, he determines, New Directions will go out and find some miserable dorks just like him, after which they will sing for them. I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what he said.
Brittany's Boudoir. The lady of the boudoir's just tucking her Ken doll in for a good night's rest -- which he will need, given the fact that Barbie's taken the red-eye from Tampa -- when she hears forest noises emanating from the family room below, and wow. Brittany's got a pink tree, y'all. I mean, it makes perfect sense, but still: Wow. In any event, Brittany scampers downstairs to find Santa Beiste arranging some very special packages under that pink tree, and she calls out, "Santa? But it's too early!" "Well, you know what they say," Santa Beiste replies. "Early's late, if you make tomorrow yesterday." I think I've been at this for far too long, because that actually makes perfect sense, as well. In any event, Santa Beiste explains that she was in the neighborhood, "doing a dry run" for Christmas Eve proper, and she decided to stop by Brittany's to have a little chat. They arrange themselves on the sofa, and Santa Beiste wonders, "Do you remember what you asked me for for Christmas?" Brittany nods happily, and confirms she'd like Artie to walk again. "Is there anything else that you want?" Santa Beiste prompts. "I mean, like, anything?" Brittany solemnly shakes her head. "Well, see," Santa Beiste hesitantly begins, clearly dreading the conversation that must follow, but she pulls herself together and valiantly continues, "Santa's been trying his best, but that one's a little hard." Brittany, not letting Santa Beiste off the hook on this one, counters that Santa's magic. Santa Beiste sighs, and proceeds to explain herself as follows: "Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage." Brittany blinks, more than a little slack-jawed, so Santa Beiste tries a somewhat different tack. "You know," Santa Beiste reveals, "there was a girl a little younger than you, and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: To make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't askin' to be pretty or nothin', but she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it, so instead, Santa gave her patience, and later on, that girl was glad that Santy didn't give her what she asked for -- she put bein' husky to good use!" Brittany: "Was her name Ricki Lake?"
HA!
"The point is," Santa Beiste sadly concludes, "I don't think I'm gonna be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to." "But Santa!" Brittany pleads. "I'm sorry," Santa Beiste cuts her off, "but it's just not gonna happen." With that, Santa Beiste rises to her dejected feet to shuffle out the front door. "Aren't you gonna go up the chimney?" Brittany plaintively wonders. Santa Beiste thinks that one over for a second, then responds, "On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu." Hee. Thus so left alone, Brittany slumps back into the depths of the commercial break, by now most thoroughly depressed.
Brittany's locker, the following morning. Artie wheels over to find Our Dear Little Brit-Brit stripping her locker's interior of its elaborate decorations, and wonders what gives. "I think I've lost the Christmas spirit," Brittany pouts. Artie remains silent, waiting for what I'm pretty sure he knows is coming, and Brittany delivers by slamming shut her locker door and mourning, "I used to believe that Santa can do anything, and if Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore." "It isn't fair that you can't walk!" she protests. "I feel so terrible!" Artie attempts to reassure her that he's perfectly fine with the way life's turned out for him, but Brittany remains inconsolable. So, when Mr. Schue hustles by to demand their presence in the teachers' lounge, pronto, Artie begs off, telling him that Brittany's not feeling so good, and that it might be for the best if Artie escort her home. Mr. Schue takes one look at Brit-Brit slouched miserably against her now-cheerless locker, and he quickly agrees to Artie's plan.
Moments later, we arrive at the teachers' lounge to find the remaining members of New Directions arranged in front of a small gathering of the school's staff. "Hey," Finn opens, as he's evidently functioning as the Club's spokesmodel for this portion of the evening's festivities, and whoever thought that would be a good idea should be shot in the face. In any event, Frankenteen eloquently continues, "So, we're your students. All year long, you suffer through dealing with us, and I imagine having some of us in your classes'll slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams, until the whole world just felt like a neverending nightmare of pain..." "Just get to the point!" Mr. Schue hisses. Heh. Long story short, you remember those miserable dorks Mr. Schue was talking about in that earlier scene? He apparently meant his miserable colleagues, for New Directions will now sing for the McKinley faculty in hopes of raising some cash for that mythic McKinney-Vento Homeless Children And Youth Program about which I can find nothing on the Internets.
Meanwhile, over in The Sylvester Den Of Fantabulous Evil, Sue's reveling in the fact that she now has enough rotisserie ovens "to roast an entire hobo." Becky -- still with the black button nose and the adorable reindog headpiece, the better to serve her function during what follows -- licks contentedly on a misappropriated candy cane until she hears some suspiciously familiar crooning noises in the distance. "What's that, Coach?"
I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure we've got an instant holiday classic on our hands, here.
No new episodes until the special post-Superbowl extravaganza on February 6th, so a very merry to all, and LTG and I will see you back here in the new year. Have fun!
Demian's getting a little sick of the holidays, to be perfectly honest with you. You may pelt him with ornaments at demian_twop@yahoo.com.