By Demian
Turns out Sue stashed all of the Cheerios' million-dollar budget in an off-shore account right before she got the boot after her spectacular failure at Nationals, so New Directions must somehow scrounge up the $5000 needed to travel to New York City for the phase of their own competition. Mr. Schue (dare I say it?) gleefully suggests selling saltwater taffy to raise the necessary funds, sparking a spirited rebellion from the club's "neglected" members -- Artie, Single-T Tina, Gaylord Wiener and Brit-Brit -- because they're short a mere $250 to hit a Brainiacs competition in Detroit, and nobody's so much as offering to lift a musically inclined finger in their aid. What's that? You didn't know McKinley had a Brainiacs team? That's okay -- no one on this show knew McKinley had a Brainiacs team, either, until Ian Brennan horked it into existence all over this week's script.
Anyway, Will feels guilty about the whole situation -- of course -- so he consults current flame Gwyneth Paltrow, who suggests holding a fundraising concert for the forsaken Brainiacs. Naturally, Sue gets wind of this and summons a slapdash League/Legion Of Doom/Evil consisting of Sandy Ryerson (a.k.a. "The Pink Dagger"), Dustin Goolsby ("Sergeant Handsome"), and Crazy Terri ("The Honey Badger") to her lair, where she quickly assigns specific nefarious tasks to each of her new minions so that she might destroy -- once again -- the Glee Club.
Well, Sue quickly assigns specific nefarious tasks to The Pink Dagger and Sergeant Handsome, because giving Crazy Terri something entertaining to do was apparently far beyond anyone's abilities this evening. In any event, Dustin's to break up Will and Gwyneth while Sandy calls together a Heckling Club made up of Becky, Jewfro and Kloset-Kase Karofsky's African-American Partner In Crime Whose Name Continually Eludes Me, the former to sap Mr. Schue's spirit, or something, and the latter to mock the Glee Clubbers in general until they all run into a corner and cry. Alas for poor Sue, only one of these devious ploys works, and even then Sandy's Heckling Club fizzles out once those particular kiddies receive a grotesquely condescending lecture from precious, precious Gwynnie about how You Should Never Say Anything Mean About Anyone, Ever. Shove it up your recently redesigned ass, GOOP.
That Charice person from the season premiere does drop by from Carmel to offer up her six hundred Twitter followers as Benefit Audience Bait in exchange for a spot on the lineup, but that all falls to shit when Sergeant Handsome yanks his protégé at the last minute, and New Directions ends up performing for an audience of Kurt, Blaine, and absolutely no one else. Doesn't matter, though, because after a series of remarkable contrivances, Sandy Ryerson forks over the $250 the Brainiacs need to go get themselves slaughtered in a drive-by, anyway. Like Santana Lopez couldn't have asked her father for the cash in the first place. Hell, like the Glee Club couldn't have asked Santana Lopez herself for the cash in the first place.
And in the end, Precious Precious Gwynnie breaks up with Will and saunters off into the sunset because even Glee can't afford to keep paying her fee. Bye, bye, Gwynnie! Make sure you drop yourself off a cliff on your way out.
Featuring that Charice person murdering Eric Carmen's "All By Myself," a song that was a hell of a lot funnier when Emma did it way back during Season One; "I Follow Rivers" by wicked Swedish changeling Lykke Li, as more-or-less performed by Single-T Tina; Gaylord Wiener dancing to Jack Johnson's "Bubble Toes"with a mop dressed up like Cardinal Ratzinger; Shut The Fuck Up offering us her thoroughly unnecessary rendition of Adele's "Turning Tables"; and Mercedes wailing out Miss Aretha's"Ain't No Way" to close out the evening.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the show's Worst Musical Moments!
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