Glee TV Show - Mash-Up - Glee Recaps, Glee Reviews, Glee Episodes | TWoP

Recapped by LTG · Aired 2009-10-21

We see hands filling up a "Big Quench" cup with non-trademarked slushie product. And then carrying the slushie through the halls of McKinley High while the soundtrack acapellas "Flight of the Bumblebees" at us. Which tells me that the slushie machine is in the high school. I want that franchise. Various students see the slushie cup and hurriedly jump out of the way. Mercedes sees it and screams out, "Mah weave!" Well, at least the bitch didn't pour beer in your weave. Rachel gasps with fear as the slushie approaches -- and then looks almost sad with rejection as it passes her by. Instead, the slushie is flung in the face of Finn. Finn grabs the slushinator and throws him against the wall, asking what the hell's going on. The slushinator is a hockey jock, who's decided that since Finn is now singing in Glee and has "insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball," he's now below the hockey team on the social pyramid and is fair game for slushie attacks. Quinn and Finn are aghast at this development.

In the lounge, Will is spreading mayonnaise on his sandwich when Emma and Ken approach his table. They have a favor to ask. It seems that notwithstanding Emma's insistence that nobody know about their marriage, she has agreed to an actual wedding ceremony (as opposed to getting married by proxy, I suppose) on a beach in Hawaii (where nobody will know them). And she's also agreed to let Ken have a first (and, I imagine, last) dance. But the two of them can't decide on a song. Emma wants "I Could Have Danced All Night," (which Will gushes over like some big 'mo), while Ken wants "The Thong Song." So, taking an inspiration from two episodes ago, Ken and Emma are hoping Will can put together a mash-up of the two songs. Also, Emma needs dance lessons. Because Ken "had a monster case of athlete's foot a couple years back, had to get all [his] toenails removed, so she steps on [his] feet during the dance, [he'll] pass out." Gosh, I can't imagine why he's stayed single so long. Emma offers to pay Will for his time, but he wants to give them the lessons as a wedding present.

Music room. Quinn is sitting on Finn's lap and cleaning the slushie residue off his face. She's seriously worried that the two of them need to find a way to be cool again. Rachel is looking on forlornly, while Kurt and Mercedes predict that if Finn and Quinn got nailed with slushies, nobody in Glee is safe. Will enters and reminds the kids that sectionals are coming up. He noticed that they liked mash-ups, and he wants them to understand that sometimes two things that don't appear to go together can be great together (like bacon and chocolate, or football and Glee). So he hands out sheet music for "Bust A Move" and tells them their assignment is to find a good song to pair it with. But not before they sing the song by itself. None of the boys will volunteer to do the solo, so Will steps up to do it (but not before stripping down to a t-shirt). Which was okay once, but they have to stop revisiting this well. We all want to see Matthew Morrison sing and dance (and stripping down to his t-shirt is a good start), but Mr. Schuester can't keep singing lead for the Glee Club. Anyway, Mr. Schue sings and dances. And yes, at one point he does touch Quinn's face -- but it's more like a kindly uncle pinching her cheeks and less like a pervert copping a feel. So relax. Although even if he's not being pervy, it's super dorky for a teacher to be dancing like this. All the kids get into the singing and dancing except for Kurt. And when Will drags him to his feet and sings to him about some girl who's stacked, Kurt just mouths, "Oh my God," and walks away. And then Will does the splits right into the credits.

By LTG

Emma's office. Finn and Quinn have stopped by, and Emma's naturally curious to hear why the king and queen of the school have stopped by for a consultation. Quinn tells her they need tips on how to be cool. Finn: "Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas about what cool people do from watching them over the years." Emma lets that slide past, and asks them why it's important for them to be cool. They don't deny that they enjoy Glee, but Quinn notes that "status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything." But being in Glee has destroyed their popularity credit scores. Quinn: "When my mom applied to college, she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity, and she got into Arizona State." While she's talking, Will is outside the glass wall, miming to Emma that their dance lesson will start in five minutes. He's wearing sunglasses as he does so, and Emma ends up whimpering about how sunglasses are sexy -- much to the confusion of Finn and Quinn. Emma recovers and notes that cool movie stars are always wearing sunglasses, so they must be cool. Finn: "It's like you can't see their eyes, so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs and you'd have no idea." Oh, Finn. Sometimes you are dumber than a flock of Palins. Quinn elbows him while Emma casts a worried glance at her own breasts. And then Emma becomes sane again and tells them the most important thing is to be themselves, and screw anybody who doesn't like it.

By LTG

Will pushes tables around to make room to dance while Emma walks down the hallway. She's wearing a wedding dress -- and it goes on and on and on, with a train that's longer than the Amtrak local. She enters the room, and explains to Will that the dress belongs to her cousin Betty, who was (along with Emma) obsessed with Princess Di. She's wearing the dress because Betty didn't wear her dress for her pre-wedding dance practice, and as a result her husband stepped on the train, they had a fight at the reception, the priest cried, and the marriage failed after three months. She starts to rethink wearing this cursed wedding dress, but Will tells her it makes sense to see how she'll move in the dress. His plan is to start with Ken's song and then try to work in Emma's choice. And then Will starts singing and dancing to "The Thong Song." And these hardly seem like lessons that she'll be able to use with Ken, mostly because they involve her standing still while Will gyrates around her. And when he tries to bring her into the dance, she trips over the train and falls on top of her. Which is awkward for them, but even more awkward for Ken, who is watching through one of the omnipresent glass walls.

Football practice. The team is huddled, and Finn calls the play. But suddenly there's rebellion. Some members of the team have decided that Finn is not manly enough to be their leader since he joined "Homo Explosion." (Where can I sign up for that?) Finn reminds them that Glee helped them win their first game of the season, but they don't seem to care. One of the players expresses doubt that Finn is man enough to have knocked up Quinn, and wonders whether a real man didn't slip in and do it for him. So Finn tackles him. Ken breaks up the fight and calls the team to the sidelines. As he's berating them, he notices that Puck is missing. Finn explains that Puck had to miss practice for some Glee-related activity. Ken yells at them for not acting enough like a team. And to help build that team spirit, he's adding a new Thursday practice. Finn reminds him that Thursdays is when Glee rehearses, but Ken doesn't care. The new practice is mandatory -- anyone who misses it is off the team. Commercials.

By LTG

And now we see the Glee-related activity that was keeping Puck busy. Rachel's in her bedroom, singing "What a Girl Wants" into her hairbrush while Puck accompanies her on his guitar. Puck's voice-over expresses what we're all thinking: "I know this looks weird, but wait 'til you see what happens ." What happens is that he asks Rachel if she'd like to make out. And because she has eyes and some modicum of taste, she would. As they're sucking face, Puck's voice-over tells him that this situation reminds him of what he learned in history class: "Only Nixon can go to China." It's not clear why making out with Rachel reminds Puck of that, since he has no idea what it means. But he does know that it really began during his family's annual Simchat Torah tradition of watching Schindler's List. It's not the traditional celebration (dancing in the streets), but apparently it helped Puck's mom feel closer to her Jewish roots. After Puck's younger sister celebrated her own tradition of running screaming out of the room during a particularly scary moment, Puck's mom told him that he was no better than the cinematic Nazis, since he wasn't dating a nice Jewish girl. And then Puck lost his appetite for sweet and sour pork. Puck's voice-over continues: "That night, I had the strangest dream. I knew it was a dream because there's no way Rachel could have climbed up the wall outside my window with no shoes on." And sure enough, we see Puck in his bed opening his eyes to find a nightgowned Rachel climbing in his window, bare feet first. I've had this dream myself. Except, for "Rachel," insert "Puck," and for "nightgown" insert "loincloth." But otherwise identical. The V.O. continues: "When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream. It was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants." Who needs Joseph when you've got Puck around to interpret dreams?

By LTG

Another slushie makes its way through the halls of the high school. Once again, Rachel gasps and prepares to take a face full when it approaches her. This time, it actually is being held by Puck. But he doesn't toss it in her face. Instead, he tells her he picked it up for her when he was buying some dip. Which I hope to God they're not selling in the school. Also, Puck had better stop chewing if he wants to marry me. Puck hands Rachel the slushie and tells her it's grape: "I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face, you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off." And then he asked her if she'd like to work on some mash-up ideas.

And then we cut back to them sucking face on Rachel's bed. Puck's V.O. tells us that he was surprised at how easy it was to get Rachel to make out with him: "I guess she's kind of desperate." We see that Rachel is imagining that she's making out with Finn. I'm imagining that Finn is making out with Puck. When Rachel opens her eyes and realizes that she's not making out with Finn, she freaks out and tells Puck she can't do this. He doesn't understand why it would be wrong for a couple of hot Jews to make out. But she thinks that if he's not man enough to sing a solo, he won't have the strength to put up with a high-maintenance drama queen such as herself. Puck: "Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?" He rolls up his sleeve to show off his muscles. I damn Rachel for all eternity for putting an end to the gun show, as she tells him that while his arms are lovely, she doesn't see a future for the two of them.

Music room. The entire Glee Club is there when Will walks in and asks if anyone has a mash-up idea to share. Nobody has anything, except for Puck (and his guitar), who has prepared a "personal tribute to a musical Jewish icon." And then he sings "Sweet Caroline" in Rachel's general direction. Rachel is smitten. Finn is jealous. Santana is sickened. Quinn is ... hard to read. At the end of the song, everyone cheers. And Rachel nods to Puck, I guess telling him she can now see a future for the two of them. [I'm still confused about how him performing "Sweet Caroline" solo is a mash-up. But he's so pretty, I'll let it slide. -- Angel] Commercials.

By LTG

Finn and Quinn walk down the hallway, wearing enormous sunglasses. They blow smoke up each other's asses about how normal and healthy it is to want to be popular. And then they turn the corner and find half the football team waiting with slushies in their hands. And then the other half of the team surrounds F&Q from behind. One player asks Finn if he's thirsty. Finn: "Sure, thanks." I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- dumber than a flock of Palins. So the entire team throws slushies at Finn and Quinn. And at a couple of bucks a slushie, that is a relatively expensive cruel prank. Finn tells the guys they can't throw slushies at him. The only player with lines tells him it'll get even worse if he doesn't show up for practice on Thursdays and quit Glee: "Bros before hi-hos." What could be worse? Are they going to throw solid chunks of ice and bottles of syrup at him? As the players walk past Finn and Quinn, one of them slips on the slushie residue and falls on his ass. It's the little things that make me happy.

Sue's Corner. "I've heard people say 'That's not how I define marriage.' Well, to them I say, 'Love knows no bounds.' Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So 'woof' on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue 'C's it." Sue throws it back to the anchor, and he throws it to commercial. During the break, Rod the anchor spritzes some Binaca as he approaches Sue. He's undeterred by her rather hostile declaration that he still smells of Scotch. Rod: "You know, Sue, there's a lot of pressure being a local celebrity. Most women find me intimidating -- the teeth, the hair. It's a lot to take in, and I know it. I need a gal with a little backbone, and I think you just might be that gal." That's where you're wrong Rod -- Sue's got a giant backbone. It's why she's so tall. Sue asks about Rod's wife, and he tells her that she drowned recently. Which means he's got the condo all to himself. Rod and his '70s hair invite Sue out for the perfect '70s date of fondue. And she agrees. Is that a smile I see on Sue's face? A smile not tinged with bitter hatred? I'm a little scared. Come hold me, Puck.

Some swing music starts to play, and we're clearly off in some fantasy sequence, because Sue is swing dancing with Will. And not trying to choke him or kick him in the crotch. But as it ends, we learn that it's not a fantasy. They're laughing and smiling and getting along. Will tells Sue that when she first asked for dance lessons, he feared it was some kind of horrible trap. But she tells him that after a single date, she's in love.

By LTG

Flashback to that date. Rod peeks up over some kind of barrier. Rod: "E-9." Sue: "You sunk my battleship Rod, and you sunk it hard." Rod: "You know, Sue, I like to swing." Sue: "I could be good with that."

Back at the dance lesson, Sue tells Will that Rod has invited her to the Second Annual Allen County Sickle-Cell Anemia Dance-a-thon. Which is why she asked for dance lessons -- to increase the odds that she and Rod will be able to "take home the blue ribbon, like two heifers in love." The nice-making between these two is becoming sickening. Sue talks about offering compassion to Quinn, and expresses regret for her persecution of Will and the Glee Club. If this is what being in love does to Sue Sylvester, then Rod the Anchorman must die! Fortunately, there's still a germ of cruelty in Sue -- she tells Will that she feels sorry for him, since Ken has ordered the football players to choose between Glee and the team. This is apparently the first Will has heard about the new mandatory practice.

Will confronts Ken in the locker room. Will thinks Ken's really upset because Will didn't like Ken's choice of song for his first dance with Emma, but Ken's actually upset because he thinks he saw Will making time with Emma. Ken knows that Emma is settling for him, but he doesn't care. But he does care that Will can't seem to give up the thrill of having Emma pining away for him. Will claims that he's never intentionally encouraged Emma. Will's either stupid or lying. (Well, we know he's stupid. But he might also be lying.) Will notes that he's also not discouraged Emma. Because, you know, she's incapable of making her own decisions. Will tells Ken that he doesn't have to worry about Will and Emma. That doesn't matter to Ken -- he's keeping his practice on Thursday, and they'll just have to see whether the guys pick Glee or football. Commercials.

Puck and Rachel walk arm-in-arm through the halls of the high school. She is boring him to death with Broadway trivia. He asks her what she thought of his solo. She starts with criticism, and a comparison of him to Finn. But then she realizes that maybe it's time to be in girlfriend mode, and she tells him, "You're a great performer, Noah. I just want to say how proud I am to have you on my arm, in front of the whole high school." And then Puck gets slushied.

By LTG

Boys bathroom. Puck is sitting back with his head on a sink while Rachel rinses the slushie out of his hair. He praises her corn-syrup-rinsing skills, and she notes that it's a lot easier to clean it out of his short hair than it was for her or Quinn. He sincerely apologizes for ever throwing slushies at her, now that he knows how much it sucks. "You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes or the way the slushy drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment." Says Puck, with completely dry eyes. And then he tells her that when the clock strikes 3:30, he's going to be in the football practice. Which means he's quitting Glee. And breaking up with Rachel. Puck: "Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew." Rachel kisses him on the forehead and leaves. And Puck puts on his navy blue yarmulke.

Bridal shop. Will calls out to Emma that they only have an hour for lunch, so she needs to hurry. She's trying on a wedding dress that doesn't have a mile-long train so they can practice dancing. And then she emerges from the dressing room in all her ginger-haired, Audrey Hepburn glory. It's a gorgeous dress, and she looks great in it. Will puts in a CD with the instrumental version of "I Could Have Danced All Night," and they start to dance. And a few bars into the song, Emma starts to sing. And she has a surprisingly nice voice. It's maybe a touch sharp, but it's much better than I expected. Also, based on the quality of her dancing here, she clearly did not need lessons. The other customers are pretty taken with this cute couple dancing and singing their way around the shop. As the song finishes, Will dips Emma and tells her that she can clearly dance in the dress. And then he runs out to make it back to school before he's forced to kiss her. Because that's how cute she looks right now. But his excuse is that he wants to support the kids in the big showdown. Which is when he's forced to tell Emma that Ken is being a dick and making the boys choose between Glee and football, and that if any of the boys choose football, the Glee Club will have too few members to compete.

By LTG

Music room. All of the non-football Glee members (plus Kurt, whose choice between football and Glee was a foregone conclusion) are standing together and anxiously staring up at the clock as it approaches 3:30. Will joins them, and then it's 3:30 on the dot and no football players have appeared. Everyone is disappointed, but then Gaylord Weiner and Butt Munch appear (and receive hugs from Santana and Britney). And then Puck walks in. Rachel walks up to him and asks him if he's certain, since choosing Glee could mean a slushie in his face every day. Puck: "Bring it." And that gets a warm hug from Rachel. Artie asks where Finn is.

Finn is on the football field, being warmly welcomed by the team. Commercials

A hand holding a slushie stalks the hallway. As it approaches Artie, Tina, and Mercedes, we see that they're all wearing raincoats. They gasp and pull their hoods up. But the slushie tolls not for them. Instead, it approaches Rachel and Kurt (also wearing rain gear) at Kurt's locker. The hand belongs to Finn. Kurt tells him to go ahead and throw the slushie. Finn: "I really don't want to, honestly. I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face." If Kurt gets slushied, he can just imagine that he's like Joan Crawford at the beginning of Mommie Dearest. (Which reminds me, I want to put in a vote for Dianna Scarwid to be cast as Sue's sister in some future episode.) Kurt knows how much pressure Finn is under from the football team, and assumes they must be angry that Kurt chose Glee over the team. Finn: "Probably would have went over better if you didn't announce it in the showers." Mercedes and crew have arrived by this point, and she tells Finn that he had better not throw that slushie at Kurt. Rachel thinks Finn might as well, since he clearly doesn't care about the losers in Glee. Finn tells them that if he doesn't do it, the football players will kick the crap out of him. Kurt says they can't have that happening, and he takes the slushie out of Finn's hands and throws it in his own face. Kurt tells Finn, "Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you." Finn leaves. Kurt: "Someone get me to a day spa, stat!" The day spa is the girls room.

By LTG

We see some hot black and white wingtips walking along. Those wingtips are at the bottom of an awesome dark red zoot suit being worn by one Ms. Sue Sylvester. She's at the television studio with a smile on her face -- but she loses that smile when she catches Rod sucking face with his co-anchor, Andrea. He's surprised to see her, since she's not scheduled for another Sue's Corner that night. She tells her she's there to show him her zoot suit, which she had made especially for their dance competition. Rod: "But only the men wear those." Sue: "Further embarrassed." Don't be embarrassed, Sue -- the way that suit looks on you, you could single-handedly start a fashion trend that would sweep northwestern Ohio. Andrea can't believe Rod is taking Sue to the dance. But Rod is more concerned with disabusing Sue of the idea that the two of them were exclusive. Sue tells him that's the only way she rolls. Rod: "I can't be caged in, Sue. That's why I got my tiger tattoo." He asks her if they're still on for the dance. They are most certainly not. We get the return of Sue's martial drum theme as she walks away.

Football practice. Puck watches the team practice from the stands. Rachel approaches and asks him if he misses it. He says he doesn't, and she tells him she hopes he didn't choose Glee over football just for her, because she doesn't think their relationship is going to work out. Puck: "That's cool, I was going to break up with you anyway." Rachel doesn't think that's true, but Puck couldn't stay with a girl who wouldn't even let him touch her boobs. Puck realizes that Rachel is hung up on Finn, and tells her that it's stupid to pine after him, since he'll never leave Quinn. But Rachel counter-perceives that Puck is hung up on Quinn. Puck: "What's the matter with me? I'm a stud, and I can't even hold on to a chick like you? No offense. Why don't girls like me?" Rachel: "'Cause you're kind of a jerk. No offense." Rachel admits that she was just with Puck because she thought it would make Finn jealous. She hopes they can still be friends. Puck: "We weren't friends before."

Out on the field, Will walks up to Finn and asks him if he'd like to "have a catch." Sure, Grandpa. And maybe after that we can go fishing down at the old quarry. They toss a ball around, and Finn tells Will that he's not coming back. Will tries to sell Finn on the idea that he's at a crucial crossroads. Finn: "I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life. Unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or something." Will agrees with him, noting that life is made up a series of smaller choices that define who you are. But he thinks that Finn is letting other people make those choices for him. He needs to make his own choices. Except for the choice to come back to Glee, which he should let Will make for him. Finn thinks Will doesn't understand the pressures he's under, but Will says that Finn is the one Glee kid that is most like Will. Stupid, with a beautiful but selfish girlfriend? Yeah, I see the similarities. Will tells Finn that he should come back to Glee. Commercials.

By LTG

In the locker room, Ken is polishing his whistle collection. Finn asks if he can talk to Ken -- but not about any potential itch down there, as Ken fears. Instead, Finn wants to discuss leadership. "All this stuff about having to choose between Glee and football is making it hard for me to lead. Leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't, right? Like, they can imagine a future where things are better. Like Thomas Jefferson, or that kid from the Terminator movies. I see a future where it's cool to be in Glee Club. Where you can play football and sing and dance, and no one gets down on you for it. Where the more different you are, the better. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't want to have to choose between them anymore." Ken takes a deep breath and walks away. And then tells Finn that the Thursday practices are cancelled indefinitely, since he has other things to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that Emma had something to do with this. In any case, Ken tells Finn to let Puck and the other guys know they can come back. Does this mean Kurt will be returning to the football team? All signs point to no.

Will is drinking from the water fountain when Sue (in a super-hot black tracksuit) walks up to him and tells him she wants to see the set list for sectionals. "And I want it on my desk, warm from the laminator at five p.m. If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home, and punch you in the face." Sue stalks off. Will calls out to her, asking if it didn't work out with Rod. Sue tells him it did not, and walks away to the accompaniment of her martial drum beat.

By LTG

And then Sue runs into Quinn. She tells her to take off the sunglasses so Sue can look her in the eyes. Sue: "You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace." Quinn looks near tears as a gaggle of laughing Cheerios walk by.

Will enters Emma's office. He apologizes, but there's no way he can do a mash-up of "The Thong Song" and "I Could Have Danced All Night." Because those two songs just don't go together. Which is something Emma and Will have known all along. But they decide they're both good songs. Except for the one that's "The Thong Song." Emma thanks Will for the dance lessons as he walks out of her office.

Music room. Finn has brought an entire tray of slushies as a welcome back gift to the Glee Club. Quinn is out of her Cheerios uniform, and she's wearing her hair down. Finn proposes a toast to Will, for being right that Glee and football make a great combination. Artie apologizes to Will for the fact that none of them did their homework of coming up with a suitable mash-up. Will doesn't care, since he's got all of his club members back. But he notices that Quinn isn't as jolly as everyone else, and he asks her if she's okay. Quinn: "Do I look okay? I'm devastated. Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a slushie facial." (For the record, she looks more than okay. She looks great.) Will tells her that it's okay if she gets hit with a slushie, because there are eleven members of Glee Club who will help her clean up. Or perhaps there could be one teacher who would put a stop to this insane frozen corn syrup reign of terror? Will gets a brain freeze (which offers proof that there's some kind of brain in there) and tells the kids that he can't imagine what it would be like to have a slushie thrown in his face. Which is all the kids need as a cue to give him his own mass slushie facial. And that's a wrap. See you after the World Series.

LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and part-time enemy of magic. You can write to him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.