By Demian
In positively earth-shattering news, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen stumbles across evidence indicating The Swallows cheated at Sectionals by pumping themselves up with steroids for months before the competition. (Just go with it.) He presents his case to Dreamboat Blaine, the latter of whom agrees to take the matter to Bloaty The Gravy Clown once further investigation uncovers a willing witness who was booted from the Dalton Academy choir after refusing to participate in the super-scandalous doping scheme, and the boys decide this means The New New Directions will likely be heading to Regionals this year after all, because Lady Lips, Dreamboat Blaine, and Frankenteen have completely forgotten about that third vocal group who was present at this year's Sectionals, because Lady Lips, Dreamboat Blaine, and Frankenteen are morons.
In decidedly less earth-shattering news, absolutely everybody else on this show spends the entire hour moaning about their various relationship issues, and the following transpires: Old Puck totally does it with New Quinn, New Puck totally doesn't do it with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Single-T Tina starts drooling over Dreamboat Blaine's rather fetching derriere, Dreamboat Blaine loses himself in Lady Lips's lady lipses, Lauren Zises returns for reasons I've yet to comprehend, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway invites Dean Geyer to shack up with her without first asking her ever-suffering roommate about it, and St. Gay Of Lima falls head over heels for some filthy piece of fortysomthing Eurotrash who looks exactly like a rat-faced meth head I knew in Chicago. Wooooo! Way to go, Kurt!
Featuring "I Don't Know How To Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar, as performed by Single-T Tina; a gross hipster version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" that makes me want to slap every single person involved until they're bleeding freely through every hole in their stupid heads, as performed by a bunch of people who need to drop dead; "Tell Him" by The Exciters, as performed by Brittany and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel with fantabulously kicky backup provided by Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina, Not-So-Unique, and New Quinn; TLC's "No Scrubs," as performed Artie, Dreamboat Blaine, New Finn, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Really Should Know By Now; "Alive And Kicking" by Simple Minds, as performed by Simple Minds; "Locked Out Of Heaven" from Bruno Mars, as performed by Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel and Urethra Franklin with an assist from Brit-Brit, Sugar, and Tina; and The Flamingos' arrangement of Warren and Dubin's "I Only Have Eyes For You," as winningly performed by New Finn, who's turning into quite the scrummy little bit of deliciousness as of late.