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Lorelai is worried that Christopher isn't fitting in with the Stars Hollow crowd. She's right. She sends him out on a Man Date with Jackson to give him some local street cred. He seems to be doing all right until he ruins the classic Stars Hollow Knitathon, trying to be Mr. Big. Rory attends Lucy's birthday party (at which Paris and Doyle perform some episode-saving hip-hop dancing) and smoothes over her friendship with Marty. It's like old times until he makes it obvious that he's still got the hots for her. Luke receives the upsetting news that Anna is moving with April to New Mexico. He tries to work something out with Anna for visitation, but she freaks like Sally Field in Not Without My Daughter. When Luke attends the homebirth of Liz's baby girl, he realizes how important his time with April has been. He gets up in Anna's face and threatens to fight her in court for his rights as a father. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
It's Friday night, and Lorelai and Christopher are being toasted by the Gilmores. Richard tells a cute little story about Lorelai as a ten-year-old swearing she would one day marry Tip O'Neill. "I liked the name 'Tip,'" Lorelai says in her defense. "I thought it was, cute like a puppy or a bunny." Oh my God. Even I, who live with an historian, would have to physically hijack the Wayback Machine to explain to you why that's supposed to be funny. To commemorate the occasion of Chris and Lorelai's marriage, Richard says, he and Emily have bought them a little gift. It's about the size of a painting. Way to go, Lorelai. If you had married Luke, they would have given you a HOUSE. But a painting's nice. Hell, maybe it's a Picasso. Oh...well, no, it isn't. The Grandparents look on proudly as Lorelai eagerly rips it open. "Wow..." she says, as if in shock. "It's extraordinary." Emily explains that the piece is an etching by Kiki Smith titled Wolf Girl. Richard happily says that all young couples should cultivate an art collection, and Lorelai, turning the frame so that Rory can see it, says that Wolf Girl will start their collection off "with a bang." It's hideous. Even Rory gasps out loud to see the portrait of a hairy young woman. "We were flying blind without a gift registry," Emily says, seemingly pleased. Lorelai says that they flew great.
"Of course," Emily adds, with that slightly ominous, passive-aggressive tone we've come to love, "I imagine it's difficult to have the forethought to register when you decide to elope." She says that, when couples elope, nothing is quite done in the traditional manner: "For instance, informing your parents of your marriage by leaving them a message on their answering machine." Christopher is surprised to hear this. Apparently, Lorelai told him that she had told her parents of the wedding. Lorelai: "I didn't say they were home when I told them!" Rory can't help gasping again: "Mom, you're such a chicken." Christopher: "You left a message on their machine?" Richard says that she certainly did, and Emily launches into a deservedly smug and vengeful story about coming home and hearing, between messages between fundraisers and tennis dates, that -- guess what? -- her only daughter is married: "Well, why just talk about it? Why not share it?" With that, despite Lorelai's urgent protests, she turns to the side table and plays the message. "Hey," comes Lorelai's voice from the machine. "Just wanted you guys to know, Christopher and I are back from Paris. Gigi's all set, and, uh, we just ended up, uhhhh, getting married. So, anyway, see you Friday. Bye!" Rory and Christopher visibly cringe with shame as Emily and Richard gloat. Lorelai begs her to erase the message, but Emily says no: she and Richard will treasure it forever as a keepsake or a memento. "Remember when Lorelai told us she was married," she says to Richard in a dreamy voice. "Ah, yes," he faux-reminisces. "Now, what was it exactly that she said?" Emily: "I think it was something like...THIS!" Click. She plays it again. Good one, Geezers. Twenty-five years, one illegitimate grandchild, and many mutual disappointments later, you finally got her.
Later, at dinner, everyone compliments the lamb, specially flown in from New Zealand, while Lorelai sulks, Wolf Girl looking over her shoulder. Emily says that she and Richard would like to throw the newlyweds a wedding party. Lorelai tries desperately to decline: "Why don't you give us an anniversary party? Like a tenth. What is ten? Bronze, sandstone, particle board?" Rory: "Actually, it's tin." Lorelai shoots her a look, continuing to protest. She says that, after their wedding, she and Chris went out to a beautiful meal, complete with a cheese plate. "'A cheese plate'?" Emily deadpans. "Since when is a hunk of fermented milk a suitable means for celebrating a marriage?" Hee. Actually, as all married people know, there are times when nothing would be more appropriate. Marriage: sometimes it stinks, but if you've picked the right one, it's tasty anyway. Emily appeals to the product of the union, asking Rory whether she agrees that a party would be a wonderful idea. "Well," says Rory, crossing her arms, "yes, actually. I think it would be nice." Christopher agrees. Lorelai has no choice but to bend under the pressure. Emily is pleased. She says that she'll need Lorelai's invite list right away in order to book the Harbor Club. Lorelai says that she can give it to her right now: "It's me, Chris, Rory, Logan, if Rory wants him there, Sookie, Jackson, and Michel." Emily protests that it's Lorelai's "day," and that she should invite more people than that: "Why don't you invite some of your charming Stars Hollow friends?" Lorelai demurs, brushing this off and shooting an accusatory look at Rory.
Some unknown length of time later, Logan, Paris, and Doyle are helping Rory to move back into the apartment in the hood. They all groan under the weight of Rory's books. "Two copies of the Norton Anthology?" Logan says, in shock, and Rory apologizes again for the trouble. This is all creepily familiar. When my husband and I moved in together, we carried our collective thousand books up two flights of stairs, cursing every page. "Tess Of The D'Urbervilles!" I cried at one point as the joints of my spine fused. "You syphilitic harlot! May you burn in hell!" The move complete, Paris comes in (wearing a supercute cat sweater) saying that all that remains to be done is for Rory to sign the lease. Rory is surprised to hear this. "Well, you are subletting from me," Paris says. "And last time you lived here, you just up and left in the middle of the year." Rory points out that Paris kicked her out: "You moved all my stuff into the hallway and locked the door!" Paris: "Well, now you'll have a legally binding contract that will negate my ability to do that in the future." She says that the lease is just standard boilerplate, though Rory, reading closer, sees a clause listing the rights and privileges of Logan Huntzberger or any other paramours. Paris says that it's a very simple formula, based on the nights he spends there and the average number of minutes he spends showering and using the internet. "It's okay," says Logan, as Rory rolls her eyes. "I'll kick in, Paris." Paris: "Thataboy, Rockefeller." She leaves, and Logan has to say his goodbyes as well. He tries to get Rory to come meet him in the city on Thursday for dinner with his clients: "We'll rack up an obscene bill at Nobu, and charge it all to my dad." Rory can't go, however, because she and her friends are throwing a huge party for Lucy's twenty-first birthday: "Our theme is '2002; just because. Come on! In 2002, you were a college freshman. You would have been completely bored by businessmen, and thrilled to go to a party thrown by three hot senior girls!" Good try, Rory, but Logan can't make it. They do some smoochin' and say goodbye.
Chris has come downstairs at the CS for breakfast to find Lorelai on the couch, knitting. "Well, good morning Madame Defarge," he cracks. "Good morning Mr. I-Remember-Stuff-From-English-Class-in-High-School!" she shoots back. He asks her how long this whole Mr. Words-Strung-Together thing is going to last. She tells him she's not sure, pointing out that the more annoying a bit is, the more she wants to do it. Like this bit about being married to Christopher? We get it! He jokes about her knitting like a proper married lady, asking whether she's also made him a Martha-esque breakfast of poached eggs and freshly-squeezed orange juice: "Because I'd really appreciate it if you could strain the pulp." Lorelai knits violently: "I got your strained pulp right here." Chris asks what she's knitting, and Lorelai explains in that lovely Gilmorian fashion that she is in training for the Stars Hollow Knit-a-Thon, being held to raise money -- pledged by the skein -- to replace the Old Muddy River Bridge. She's going to go into town to see if she can get some better needles, and he offers to come with her. "Oh," she says, patting his shoulder, "that's okay." When he insists and she tries again to put him off, Christopher finally asks why he doesn't want her to come into town with her. "I just want to give people time to adjust," she says. "I mean, I just want to be sensitive. You know? You're not who they expected, and I don't want the marriage to seem sudden. I want to kind of ease them into it." He asks if that's why Lorelai didn't want to invite anyone to Emily's party. "No!" she says. "Well, yeah." She says that 90% of it is that she didn't want her Stars Hollow friends to have to deal with the Gilmores' crowd, but the other 10% is that she didn't want to seem like she was "shoving [their] marriage down their throats." She says she doesn't want it to seem like they're flaunting. "They're not going to adjust," Chris says, "if they never see me." Right! Genius! Maybe a little less of you on screen would be good, too. I mean, listen, he is cute with a capital K, but I am done with Christopher as a storyline. Forever. Unfortunately, Lorelai is not done with him. "Come on," says Christopher. "Let's go for a stroll." Lorelai: "All right. But a stroll, not a strut!"
Breakfast is served at Cranky's Diner. Or, you know, "Luke's." He's bitching because of all the knitters everywhere, wondering when someone's going to put an eye out. Cesar tries to placate his curmudgeonliness, saying he gets that Luke's in a bad mood because April is gone, but Luke can't be assuaged: "April is not gone. She just went back to living with her mother." They are interrupted by none other than T.J., who bursts through the door, acting a fool. Now would be a good time to make use of one of those knitting needles, but no one makes a move. Come on! Stab, people, stab! It's not that I hate T.J., it's just that I hate him for more than thirty seconds at a time, especially when he's acting stupid, which is always. Today, he is flipping out because Liz has decided she wants to have their baby, any minute now, in their living room. Ah, the miracle of home birthing. If you'd ever like to pass ten hours reading the most vitriolic, outraged, outrageous sanctimony on the internet, look up a message board on home birthing, kick back in your inflatable kiddie pool, and relax. Just please don't send me any emails about it, I beg of you. Luke, who is squeamish and moody about nearly every subject one could mention at his counter, absorbs this news pretty much like it's no big deal. Not so T.J. He says that Liz got the idea from their friend Marcy, who plays the midwife at the Ren Faire. Okay, that's hilarious. Especially, as T.J. points out, since Marcy has five kids, all born in hospitals. He continues to freak, pretending that he is finding alcoholic relief from the club soda Luke has given him, and they have sort of an awkward conversation about Liz's doula, Sandy, that must have been written on the spot, because Scott Patterson has the same line over and over: "I can't believe she's having her baby at home." T.J. says that Liz wants Luke to be there when the baby is born, and he agrees to this like it wouldn't affect him at all to be present at his sister's nude, unmedicated homebirth. Escorting T.J. to the door, Luke's all smiles until he looks out into the street and sees Lorelai and Christopher walking arm in arm. I am pleased and shocked to say that, finally, finally, he shows, like, an emotion about their relationship, violently slamming the door and yelling at all the knitters to get out.
In the town square, preparations for the Knit-a-Thon are going full steam. Babette screams out a lesson explaining how to GENTLY loop yarn for the knitting and purling, as Lorelai and Chris stroll up. Babette greets Lorelai with her traditional warmth, tacking on an uncomfortable hello for Christopher. He is, of course, oblivious, but exceedingly polite as Babette screeches on and on about how "great" it is that he and Lorelai eloped, avoiding all the hassle of a "real wedding": "Why would anyone want to buy a big, expensive wedding dress that you could only wear once? Except for me, I got to wear mine twice." The second time, she wore it for Halloween, going as the Bride of Chucky. "Oh, yeah," Christopher says, trying to be a part of the Stars Hollow whimsy. "And Morey went as Chucky?" Babette looks at him like he's crazy: "Huh? No! He was a futuristic pirate!"
Lorelai and Christopher walk on, only to run into Miss Patty, who has come, draped in velvet, to present them with the town Welcome Wagon. "This is so cool," Christopher says. "I didn't know the Welcome Wagon came in a real wagon." Patty gives him an uneasy "yeah," and asks how he's adjusting to Stars Hollow. "I bet you're bored senseless here," she says, hopeful. "A worldly guy like you must feel like he's out in the sticks." He says no, he's enjoying the town, and Lorelai smiles sadly as she looks at the Welcome Wagon and watches Miss Patty walk away.
Rory arrives at Lucy and Olivia's room with some 2002 paraphernalia for the birthday party. Only Marty is there, decorating, and he responds to her greetings and questions with only the most robotic one-word answers. Annoying. Rory is saved from this awkwardness by the arrival of her friends. Who are back to their old, irritating selves. Olivia, actually, doesn't bother me. It's Lucy with the trilling and the "Boyfriend" and the general over-the-topness. Cute girl; love the hair; but she's reminding me enough of Rose McGowan without even trying so she needs to shut up. The ladies are amused to find that they all brought Ugg boots to commemorate the '02. "Very Clydesdale," Marty says, in what, I'm sorry, is a totally queeny voice. He and Lucy laugh and kiss while Rory looks uncomfortable.
Back at the diner, Anna has arrived to speak with Luke. She compliments him on his cerulean decorations before getting down to the bomb dropping: her mom is having a difficult recovery, and requires constant care. "April can stay with me any time," Luke chimes in. "Whatever you need." Unfortunately, that's not what Anna's come to talk about. She has decided that she and April will be moving to New Mexico to be close to her mother. "I'm sorry," she says, seeing how shocked Luke is. She says that April is also not thrilled about it, but that the plans have been made. Her assistant will run her shop and they will be moving as soon as possible. "I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, you know?" Luke says, understanding. "I mean, when my dad was sick..." Anna nods, and they say an uneasy goodbye.
At the Inn, Sookie is wrestling with (not IN, as I just typed by accident) spaghetti noodles, cursing as she tries to wind them into balls. She tells Lorelai that in the middle of the night, she had a vision of what to serve at her Knit-a-Thon booth: "Balls of yarn, made out of spaghetti, with breadsticks stuck in the middle like knitting needles! It's brilliant! Brilliant! Horrible!" The spaghetti won't cooperate. She asks Lorelai what she's been up to, and Lorelai worriedly says that she and Chris have just taken a walk through town, where everyone was cordial. "Oooh," Sookie says. "'Cordial'?" Lorelai says that the townspeople shook Christopher's hand and welcomed him to Stars Hollow: "Creepy, right? I saw Miss Patty and Babette and neither one of them pinched [Christopher's] butt." Probably because they couldn't find it. Hey, I'm sorry. The men in my family are also buttless, so I ain't busting on him; I'm just saying. Sookie cringes apologetically, but does point out that Lorelai did marry an outsider. She says that people really loved her with Luke. "Right, but it's not their life; it's my life," Lorelai yells. "And frankly, I don't think I should have to go around feeling bad that might life didn't turn out like everybody wanted it to." Tell it to the TWoP forums, Lorelai. And then stick it in a blog, because they won't be listening.
Lorelai's sick of the judgment, and appeals to Sookie's longtime friendship for support of her relationship: "I understand that you liked Luke, and I know you're not so sure about Christopher, but Sookie, you're my best friend, I really need your support here. I mean, Christopher is my husband, and it would be great if you would just get on board." Sookie, to her credit, says she will absolutely get on board. "I'll swab the deck, I'll hoist the sail," she says. "Anything nautical." I love Sookie. What she needs, Lorelai says, is help getting the rest of town on board. "We need a campaign," Sookie agrees. She suggests that Christopher walk Paul Anka around town: "Cute guy? Cute dog? Very appealing!" Lorelai says that won't work -- Paul Anka isn't good with sidewalks. Christopher could, however, pull him around in the Welcome Wagon. She moves on to another thought: "Or Jackson!" Sookie, confused: "You want him to pull Jackson around in a wagon?" No, Lorelai says. She thinks that if people saw Christopher with Jackson, they'd like him, since Jackson as a lot of clout. Sookie beams: "You think Jackson has a lot of clout?" Lorelai: "Oh, Jackson has tons of clout! He's lousy with clout." (Ew. Put "clout" on my list of hated words, along with "orb," "bulbous," "blog," and "slacks." Something about those consonants to those vowels is way gross. Blech. Just typing the word "bulbous" right then made me have to take a break and sit and eavesdrop on the internet date going on to me in the coffee shop. The dude is talking about what a great cook he is, and how he's lost all his cooking jobs because the chefs are intimidated by his talent. "I was into the Oriental thing for a while," he just said, speaking of his inventive use of fish sauce in his signature dishes. The woman is so bored out of her mind, I am about to throw my coffee on her so she can escape. I know she would thank me.)
Sookie and Lorelai puzzle over what Jackson and Christopher could do together on their evening out. "How about Country Night at Miss Patty's?" Sookie suggests. Lorelai wonders if that's a great idea. "Well," Sookie agrees, "I mean, Jackson is a fiendish two-stepper, but he's handsy." Ha! Lorelai wonders what regular guys do, and they engage in some free association: "Grunt?" "Scratch?" "Leave the toilet seat up?" "Talk about sports?" "Talk about cars?" "Burp?" That did it. Sookie: "BEER." That's it! Sookie and Lorelai agree that Jackson's taking Christopher out for a beer at Casey's would be both simple and manly. Sookie: "And while they're doing all that scratching and grunting, we could actually go do something fun!" Lorelai: "Country Night at Miss Patty's!" Sookie: "Mmm hmm, hee haw!"
Oh my God, the internet date. He just told a story about his grandfather dying, and she laughed. This is the most miserable woman on Planet Earth right now. Jeez, lady, just fake a coughing fit and run out the door!
Speaking of miserable, April is at the counter at Luke's, sulking about the move. Trying to cheer her up, he suggests that they rent A Brief History Of Time again: "Maybe I'll understand something more than the credits this time." When April doesn't react, Luke tries again, saying that moving to New Mexico won't be so bad. April freaks, going from 0 to 60 in a rage, yelling that she doesn't want to move to the hot, dusty, miserable desert. Luke ushers her outside for a walk, telling her that she can come back and visit her friends over summers and breaks and stay with him. "No," April pouts, and tells the terrible tragedy of Janie Friedman, who moved last year, saying that she would keep in touch, and now nobody ever hears from her anymore. Luke says that it doesn't have to be like that, but April wails that she and Anna are moving two thousand miles away and that's how it's going to be: "Mom is ruining my life! I'm just going to be that weird, dorky loser girl all over again!" She throws herself on Luke's shoulder, practically chewing it off in her zeal along with the rest of the scenery.
At their apartment, Paris is quizzing Rory on the 2002 party to which she is invited. Paris doesn't get it: "Will there be dancing?" Rory says that there will be 2002 dancing. "So," Paris says, "we're talking mostly hip-hop." Rory assures Paris that she does not have to hip-hop dance at this party. "Oh, I can hip-hop dance," Paris brags. "Don't you worry. Doyle and I will be scorching the floorboards." Yay! Rory says that she's looking forward to that as she answers a call on her cell phone. It's Lorelai, deep in the throes of her knitting practice, asking how much Rory is going to pledge per skein: "What do you say -- like, ten bucks a skein?" Rory: "How about, five dollars?" Lorelai: "So, fifteen?" Rory: "Make it three dollars." Lorelai: "Twenty a skein?" Rory: "Buck-fifty!" Lorelai: "Twenty-five smackeroos?" Rory: "Seventy-five cents!" Lorelai says that they have no idea how to haggle, and Rory agrees, asking to be put down for thirty dollars, overall. "I will not take less than thirty," says Lorelai. Rory: "The best I can do is thirty." Lorelai: "All right, you give me thirty and it's a deal." Absolutely, fantastically wonderful, classically cute Gilmorian scene. I loved it. Have I said how awesome Alexis Bledel has been in the last few eps? And I just don't mean her hair this time, which can occasionally act her out of the room. As music begins bumping in the living room, we see Paris and Doyle practicing their dance moves for the upcoming party. I rewound it ten times. Lorelai tells her about Jackson and Christopher's upcoming "man date." Rory: "Cute. A mandated man date?" They chat on, eventually ending up on Rory's current crisis: her queasy encounters with Marty. "Well, you're a hard one to get over, kid," Lorelai says. "When guys feel rejected they act all cold and weird." Rory agrees, but points out that she rejected Marty -- "if that's what even happened" -- years ago and that he should be over it by now. Lorelai suggests that Rory try to be the bigger person, but Rory rightly points out that she shouldn't have to be; there should be a statute of limitations on being a jerk. Lorelai has to cut the conversation short when she sees Christopher come down the stairs on the way to his man date. "So, uh, thirty dollars a skein?" she shoots as she hangs up, while Rory insists that it's thirty, total.
Chris is wearing what appears to be a very normal black buttondown and jeans, but Lorelai assures him that it's all wrong: "It's very Joaquin-Phoenix-at-the-Oscars." Christopher: "I have no clue what that means. Why are you grimacing at this shirt?" He gets pissed that Lorelai keeps saying "man date," and points out that it shouldn't matter what he's wearing, since he's just going out to "have a beer with a farmer." She says she just wants him to make a good impression, but he wonders what she's worried about, considering how well their walk through town went. "Eh," Lorelai shrugs. "What are you saying?" asks Christopher, worried. "I'm saying it didn't go so great," Lorelai tells him. Chris: "But...the wagon!" Lorelai: "Was full of cleaning supplies and shoe trees!" She says that when some other couple got married, their wagon was full of handmade clothing and bookends whittled into the shapes of Senegalese tigers: "That's a Welcome Wagon. We got a 'We're Tolerating That You're Here' Wagon. Sorry." Christopher is disappointed: "So, going out with Jackson is important because...?" Lorelai says it's important because Jackson is loved and respected: "If you're in with Jackson, you're in with Stars Hollow." Christopher sighs. He guesses he can wear the gray polo shirt. "I love that idea!" Lorelai cheers. He asks if his jeans are okay. Well...Lorelai breaks it to him that they're a little tight. And then, well, his shoes.... Christopher sighs again: "I hate to say this out loud, but all of a sudden I'm very nervous about my man date with a farmer." Hee. Lorelai says that he's going to be fine, and as he goes up to change, she reminds him, "Not too much stuff in the hair!"
The man date has begun. Jackson asks Chris what he thinks of the joint. Christopher says it's great. "Not exactly a Manhattan hot spot," Jackson needles, and Christopher points out that the beer tastes just as good in Stars Hollow as it does in Soho. He's giving it his best shot to make a good impression, asking Jackson about his crops. Apparently it's been an excellent eggplant year; Jackson assures him that he's Christopher's eggplant connection. "Guess I'll have to get rid of my other guy, then," Christopher jokes. Jackson doesn't laugh. Awk...ward. They watch some basketball for a second, and Jackson finally makes his move: "So, you and Lorelai, huh? Quite an achievement. Many have tried, many have failed." Chris makes some noises in agreement. Jackson gives him a long, hard look and drops some metaphorical action on him. He says that what he loves about farming is the commitment: "You have to be there 24/7 for your crops, no matter what. You can have the greatest soil, and perfect seeds, but if you don't have the commitment, you won't get good results. No shortcuts, no quitting." Christopher may be a Backstreet Boy, but he gets it: "It's a lot of responsibility," he agrees, knowing they're talking about Lorelai. "You must really love farming." Jackson: "I do. Sookie and I, we both do." Christopher: "I do, too."
Luke and Anna have met at some random restaurant to talk about April. Forgive me for saying so, but Sherilyn Finn is wearing the most ridiculous, tragic dress ever sewn. Luke thanks her for coming, and says he wanted to talk because April is so upset about the move. "Yeah," Anna says, "I know." Luke says he just wants to make sure that they're doing everything they could to make it easier on April. He suggests that Anna wait to move until the end of the school year. "And you don't think I thought about that?" she asks, irritated. Luke is full of understanding and suggestions. He comes up with a few scenarios, all of which Anna shoots down. "So, maybe we can buy her some plane tickets," Luke suggests, so that April will know when she's coming back and can see her friends. Like, for example, Luke's already told her that she could come stay with him during summers and breaks. The conversation goes from bad to bitchin' awful. Anna wigs, saying that Luke has no right to make those promises to April; she has no idea what they'll be doing during the summer. Luke desperately tries to calm Anna down, but she flips further: "These are my decisions. I'm not going to have you making promises to her that you can't keep." Luke: "So, are you saying she's not coming back?" Anna bitches that all this stuff is her decision, and that she doesn't want Luke interfering with April's life. Stunned, Luke watches as Anna stomps out the door. Before getting a chance to really react, Luke hears his cell phone ring, and answers it to hear a terrifying, murderous scream. Liz is having the baby. "I'm on my way!" he says, and heads out.
Meanwhile, the Knit-a-Thon is in full effect. Kirk travels through the crowd giving out free needles. "Hey," Lorelai jokes, "who says Stars Hollow is not progressive?" Good one, Lorelai, but I think everybody says that. All sorts of hijinks are going on on the square, including Sookie's spaghetti booth, where Jackson and Christopher are shaking hands, talking about their upcoming plans to watch the game. man date success! Lorelai is happy to hear of their future plans, though she had scheduled some further activities for Christopher with various townies. The group stakes out some prime knitting real estate as Taylor, wearing a fully knitted ensemble, attempts to give a speech at the gazebo while being constantly interrupted by Kirk, who insists that Taylor's watch is wrong, thus jeopardizing the official start time of the knitting. Finally, Taylor can only hit the highlights of his notecards and shouts out words having to do with bridges and money before tossing them up in frustration and opening the knitting. Feverishly, the people of Stars Hollow clack their needles, and great fun is had by all.
Rory is congratulating Lucy on her first legal drink at her 2002 party when Lucy catches sight of Paris and Doyle. Her eyes go wide. "You totally delivered," she says to Rory, who encourages her to go and speak to the legend that is Paris. Lucy nervously goes forth, leaving Rory to stare in frustration at Marty. She takes a shot at being a bigger person, and goes to the bar to talk to him: "Barkeep, I'll have an upside down tequila slammer with a twist!" Humorlessly, Marty drones that he doesn't know how to make that. "I know," she sighs. "I just made it up." He monotones an "oh." Finally, Rory confronts his stupid behavior, asking if it's going to be like this between them from now on. "I'm sorry," he finally says, and they are suddenly back to their old selves, laughing, especially, when they see that Paris and Doyle have AWESOMELY taken over the dance floor and are doing a choreographed routine that is blowing the minds of all assembled.
However many hours later or earlier (whatever, I've come to accept it), Luke sits in awe with the brand-new parents, Liz and T.J. and their baby girl. Does no one in Stars Hollow ever give birth to boys? Is it something in the water? There's Davey, of course, but we never see him, so I question whether he's really a boy. "Are you sure about the name 'Doula,'" Luke asks, obviously hoping he is mistaken about their choice for a name. It is kind of sad, really, although I have heard worse. When T.J. passes little Doula over to him, Uncle Luke is filled with emotion. Twice in one episode! Quietly, he says, "She's great."
Christopher is supporting the knitters with coffee as they lag more than $7000 behind their goal. "We're never going to make it, are we?" Miss Patty laments. Babette: "Not without dopin'!" Awesome. Lorelai tries to rally: "You guys, don't talk like that! Think of the bridge! We'll never be able to look it in the I-bar again if we let it down." Chris gets a poignant look as he watches them struggle with their task. Maybe, Miss Patty points out, scheduling an outdoor event in November wasn't such a great move. "It's a bad move," Babette says. "But it's part of a great tradition of bad moves by Taylor." Suddenly, Taylor has an announcement. Stars Hollow's newest resident, Christopher Hayden, has donated the balance of their goal, bringing them up to ten grand. "Honey?" Lorelai says, nervous. "Thank...you..." Miss Patty says, clearly disappointed. "That was very..." Sookie jumps in: "Generous! Wasn't that generous?" Christopher's heart was in the right place, of course, but that's not what Stars Hollow is about. Stars Hollow is about quirkiness! They are about knitting for eighteen hours in the cold! And now that their goal has been met, what's the point? Everyone gets up to leave, grumbling, while Lorelai tries desperately to keep the knitting alive. "Sorry, honey," says Sookie, seeing her disappointment, and the workers immediately begin clearing up the scene of the Knit-a-Thon.
Back at the party, Rory and Olivia drunkenly study the dancers, joking that Paris has trained for this party like an Olympic event. As Olivia lurches off toward her party-target, Buzz Cut Boy, Marty flops on the couch to take her place. "That upside twisted slammer," Rory slurs, "is living up to its name, man." Marty, also, is boozed up. Rory comments that the last time she saw him drunk, he was naked and passed out outside her dorm room. "So," he says, "the truth comes out after all these years. You checked me out." Rory denies it, saying that she did not. They joke about how skinny he was back as a college freshman. "But now," he says, feeling his muscles, "I'm Marty Schwarzenegger." She laughs that he's looking good. "And you," he says, getting suddenly serious, "are more beautiful than ever." Oops. Rory is skeeved. Their awkwardness returns. "Um," she says, "you should be out there with Lucy." Freaked himself, Marty immediately gets up and kisses his girlfriend.
Christopher can't understand how donating the rest of the money to save the bridge was a bad thing. Lorelai says she knows it doesn't make any sense, but that the whole point was to save it with knitting. "I thought I was doing a good thing," says Christopher, but she says he doesn't have to worry about trying so hard. He laughs, saying that she's the one that's making him try hard, setting him up on man dates and stuff. I hate to say it, but you know he's right. And then in the breath, he's wrong: "You know what? I'm a likable guy." He says he's nice, and that people like him and the people of Stars Hollow are going to love him because he loves Lorelai: "And I'm gonna be here, loving you." Whatever, dude. I don't understand why they're trying to make me like you, but it isn't working. Christopher hits Lorelai with the farming metaphor, and she is duly impressed. "You know what, Mr. Doesn't Understand What He's Talking About But Is Actually Pretty Wise?" she asks him. Christopher: "What's that, Mrs. Goes Through Five Hundred Emotions Every Day?" Lorelai: "I love you, a lot." Oh, man. More I-love-yous. Just call me Ms. What The Fuck Is Going On Here, and we'll have a party.
Luke has arrived at Anna's, and it is ON. "You're always telling me that I can't do this with your daughter, and I can't do that with your daughter," he says, "and you know what? She's not just your daughter." Anna sneers at him, asking what his point is, and he rants about how wrong it was for her to keep April from him for so long. "She's my kid," he says. "She's our kid, not just yours. I'm not going to let you treat me this way. I'm her father!" He says she can't just decide things about April without him: "I will fight you if I have to. I'm her father. And I have rights."