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In this episode of Gilmore Girls...NOTHING HAPPENS. It's a full fifty-five minutes of weird chatter just to transition us to the last scene, and I ain't happy about it. At the town hall meeting, Taylor has the brilliant idea of changing the town's streets back to their original names to make the town more "charming." Unfortunately, the Dragonfly Inn receives the impossibly horrible name of Sores & Boils Alley. Logan buys Rory a Birkin Bag. Richard has what appears to be a a man-to-man with Logan about his intentions with Rory, but really he's just trying to find out what Rory's intentions are with...herself. It doesn't work out so well, and finally, Richard shows up at Lorelai's, her old doll house in tow, saying they need to talk. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The town meeting is coming to order. Lorelai is a little late. She tells Sookie she found Paul Anka hiding under the sink, chewing a pair of her favorite shoes. "Boy," Sookie says, "that guy's career has really hit the skids." Lorelai rolls her eyes. Sookie laughs and says that's officially her last "Paul Anka, the person, is living in your house" joke. Taylor bangs his gavel and is just getting started when Kirk and Andrew burst in the door in Revolutionary War-era costumes, and begin a skit. Lorelai hopes it isn't audience participation. I hope they use their muskets to shoot Taylor, for whose histrionics I am not in the mood. The two guys claim to be from 1779. Lorelai: "Who's going to tell them those outfits are so 1778?" They introduce themselves as original Stars Hollow residents (despite Gypsy's reminding everyone several times that "it's Kirk and Andrew!"), and say that they have had a hard time finding their way around town, since all the street names have changed. Ah, this whole silly thing is to get people to agree to change the town's street names to historic names associated with Stars Hollow. This, Taylor says, will help improve tourism revenue by increasing the town's charm. Miss Patty takes some offense, saying they have charm. Babette agrees. "You wouldn't believe the bikini waxes Lisa's doing at the beauty parlor," she says. "Any shape you can imagine! So clever. And charming!" ["This reminds me of the last TWoP writers' summit, at the big dinner event of which Evany informed me about this bikini waxing trend, which in San Francisco is apparently known by the name 'Glamourpuss.' Which is awesome." -- Wing Chun] Taylor says they're looking for historical charm, and pushes the street name change. Shockingly, Lorelai is all for the idea. She says she likes "old-timey stuff," and that it's one of Taylor's better ideas: "It's not like the year you guaranteed the tourists a 'mosquito-free' summer, and then released hundreds of bats all over town." Her support encourages everyone else, and it is agreed that the town's streets will be supplied with new old names.
Lane is on the job at the diner, serving Lorelai breakfast as Lorelai reads the paper. Lane asks what's going on in the world, and Lorelai tells her, "Nothing good." Lane says that's why she doesn't bother reading the paper anymore. Lorelai is wearing the most unflattering, granniest-looking, weirdest shirt you can imagine. She tells Lane that she's just going to start her own paper, The Good News Daily: "Nothing but good news, every day." ["It's been done." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai suggests a few potential headlines: "No Civil War in Canada"; "Cars Drive Down Street Without Incident"; "Puppies: How Cute Are They?" Lane says she's in a better mood already.
Luke shows up and asks what Lorelai's doing there, instead of at the Inn. She's waiting for Michel and Sookie to come by so that they can all go together to see what street name the Inn got. She asks if Luke wants to go with them to see what name he got. "I'll wait to read about it in The Good News Daily," he replies. She apologizes for asking, saying she knows it's another dumb Taylor Thing, and that Luke may now lower his blood pressure. Luke says, no, he's not even upset about it: "It's taken me a ridiculous amount of years, but when it comes to all things Taylor, I've adopted a Zen attitude." Lorelai is really surprised. She runs down a list of dumb Taylor things: what if he wants to paint the diner pink for Easter? "Let the building be pink," Luke says. Lorelai wonders what will happen if Taylor tries to make them all dress up as trees again for Arbor Day. "Wrap me in bark, fill me with sap and tell me where to stand," Luke shrugs. She brings out the big guns: what if Taylor wants to Photoshop a picture of himself and Luke together, arm in arm, and put it on a billboard over town? "You're sitting on his lap," she says, ramping up the horror, "holding a baby rattle!" Luke says he will keep his Zen. "I'm gonna miss Nuclear Luke," Lorelai pouts, as Sookie and Michel come in. They announce that they just ran into Esther Wilkins, who found out her street will now be called Constabulary Road, and they are all very excited about what name they might get. Well, Michel's not excited, naturally. He asks Luke if he has coffee. "You mean," Luke asks, "here at my coffee shop? Yeah." Michel: "Give eet." Sookie and Michel start their typical bickering as Luke goes to get the coffee, and Lorelai goes back to her paper, where she is confronted with a half-page picture on the society page of Rory at the DAR event.
Richard, at breakfast with Emily, happens to be looking at the same picture. Emily is harping about the grapefruit being too sweet, and suspects Consuela of adding sugar to it. I thought they fired Consuela. Richard is not listening, so wrapped up in the paper, while Emily goes on and on, pointlessly. She goes to the intercom to call Rory to breakfast. It looks like Rory slept in a pair of jeans, for some reason. I can't tell. Anyway, Rory complains that the intercom in her room is too loud, and cannot be turned down. I think the problem is that Grandma only SPEAKS at one volume. Emily says she's been looking, but that the company that made the machine went out of business in 1973. After signing off with Rory, she looks over Richard's shoulder to see him staring at the picture of Rory. "Isn't that a pretty picture?" she says. "That outfit matches her face." Huh? The outfit matches her face? Even Emily seems confused by what she was saying. Because...try that line on somebody. Hey, that jacket looks awesome with your head. Your suit really compliments your nose. Things don't match your face. What is that? ["Rory has a period look?" -- Wing Chun] Emily sits down and asks Richard's opinion on the Rory/Logan situation. She hopes that they are still together, and is worried about Rory. Not worried enough to keep from throwing in several more references to Consuela and her alleged sugar obsession, which she keeps flogging like a champ, though the whole scene is painful and awkwardly written and seems thrown together. It feels like they're acting on stage and Kelly Bishop keeps circling around to the sugar cue, trying to get Edward Herman back on book. It's weird, and not funny. Looking over some insurance papers that came by delivery, Richard is forced to tell Emily about the fire at the Dragonfly Inn. She is shocked; she asks if Lorelai is okay, almost as if she cares, and wants to know every detail of Richard's meeting with her. She asks how Lorelai looked, and Richard says she looked fine. She rolls her eyes. "Was she thin? Heavy? Did she look tired? What was she wearing? Was she still in that netherworld of 'I don't know what my hair is supposed to be'?" HA! Does Emily read the GG forums? Richard says Lorelai looked just like Lorelai, and that it was a very brief conversation: "Unlike the one you and I are having." Emily gets stompy and says Richard should have told her, and by the way, again, the grapefruit tastes sugared.
Sookie, Lorelai, and Michel walk across the square to where the new street names are posted, imagining the great name they believe they're about to receive. Sookie wants "something classic," like Abbey Road or Charing Cross Road. Lorelai wants a flower name. Michel...just wants to walk a little faster. Sookie says he's just pouting, which he denies. "Oh, so your Botox has worn off?" Lorelai asks. Michel: "No. And I'm not pouting." He bitches some more, while they try to track themselves down on the map. Clearly, they share my own geographical challenges, and have a problem reading the thing. Suddenly, after looking all over the crazy map, they all at once see their new street name. Much gasping and "OH, NO" takes place. It must be really bad.
It is. Back at the Inn, we find out how bad: the Inn will now be located on Sores & Boils Alley. Lorelai is already on the phone, trying to reach Taylor. While she waits, Sookie and Michel, both shell-shocked, react to the name. "What kind of menu do you serve on Sores & Boils Alley?" Sookie asks. Michel: "Anything with a crust?" Argh. Fifteen minutes in and this show is already beating me in a game of Gross Out, and Logan has yet to even make an appearance! Sookie wonders why the name couldn't be something that didn't ooze or run, such as a wart, or a bunion. "Bunions are okay," she says. "They're sort of onions, mixed with buns! Sort of appetizing, if you don't think too hard." Lorelai says she wants them to both chill out, promising she will fix it, but the whole thing stresses Sookie and Michel out to the point that their bickering escalates into a "you're the silly!" kind of argument, which continues on even while a delivery man comes in and drops off a package for Lorelai. It's an antique clock she didn't order. She's handling the craziness a lot better than is Sookie, to whom it suddenly occurs that "white sauce looks like pus!" Lorelai orders her to the kitchen, and Sookie wanders off, saying that also, "salsa verde looks like infection!" I am suddenly feeling the need to spray Bactine into my brain, somehow.
At the pool house, siiiiiiigh, Logan shows up with a bag from, hold your breath, here. It contains a huge box, which she takes out saying "Wow, you did it! You brought me the head of Alfredo Garcia!" Logan laughs like he has some clue as to what Rory's talking about, and tells her, "Open it, Ace." She does, and pulls out a beautiful pink bag. He asks if she likes it. "Hello?" she jokes. "I'm a girl, it's a purse." Clearly, Rory -- who every week we see wearing the absolute latest fashions -- somehow has not opened a single magazine in two years. Because, as Logan has to explain to her, this is "not just a purse; it's a Birkin Bag." (From what I can tell, it's this particular bag. Click it, internet, and prepare to WET YOUR PANTS OVER THE PRICE.) The name sounds familiar to Rory -- she went to school with a guy named Birkin. "I don't think this is the same Birkin," Logan says. Rory loves the bag, despite not understanding its magnitude, and says her computer cords will fit nicely into it. Logan has to gently explain that this is not that kind of bag. "You know what?" he finally says, "Call my sister, she'll fill you in. It's like a 'thing,' you know?" Rory: "Oh! It's a thing! A beautiful, leather grownup thing." Now, see, if we weren't talking about a bag that costs as much as many people's cars, I would almost find this scene charming. Rory decides to carry her new bag and, since it is so much larger than her old one, just drops her old bag into the new one. Logan is amused, and they leave.
Lorelai finally gets in touch with Taylor about Sores & Boils Alley. He says he'd kill to have that name, and that Lorelai should consider herself lucky that the inn is located on the very site of historical sore and boil lancing in Stars Hollow: "Word is, they even had a leper colony in your garage. Trying to verify that; if we do, you get a plaque." Somehow, Lorelai doesn't feel that lucky about it. While she listens to Taylor rambling on about the noble work done on the original Sores & Boils Alley, Lorelai goes to the door to receive a package being delivered. She explains that people come to the Dragonfly for a beautiful, romantic time, and that she doesn't want to have to go around advertising "Come to historic Stars Hollow. It's not as gross as it sounds!" Taylor says he is surprised at her negativity, but she persists, saying that the name isn't going to work for her. I am shocked at Lorelai's direct communication on this issue. She says she wants the Inn's road to keep its old name, Third Street, but Taylor says that won't work. He offers to try to come up with alternatives, and they hang up. Finally, she opens the box that was delivered to find an antique birdcage inside. Paul Anka swears he didn't order it.
Rory and Logan are returning from their night out (three minutes after we saw them leave). Rory says she's never received so many compliments as she did tonight on the bag. Logan suddenly remembers that he's left his cell phone in the car: he's expecting a call from his father and needs to have his phone on him. Heading back to retrieve it, he is sprung upon by Richard. Logan claims to have been dropping Rory off (is that what the kids are calling it these days?), and Richard invites him in for a drink. Insufferably, he accepts, and then repeatedly calls both Richard and Emily by their first names, which I loathe. An uncomfortable few moments ensue, during which Richard makes small talk, and finally gets around to his main agenda. He says that Rory is so busy: "Her life is a total mystery to us. She could be in the CIA for all we know." Logan says he's pretty sure she's not, and they both laugh uncomfortably. Richard asks how things are going with Rory. It seems like he's asking Logan what his intentions are with his granddaughter -- at least, it seems that way to Logan. He gets nervous and rambly, and finally Rory comes in and saves him, saying she'll walk him out to his car. When they leave, Emily asks Richard if it seems to him that everything is going all right between Rory and Logan, and he distractedly says it does. They go up to bed as we see Rory and Logan sneaking past the windows, back to the pool house.
Rory asks Logan to recap the conversation, and he says it seems to him that Richard was asking about their plans and their future and marriage. Rory is astounded. "I'm only twenty," she says. "We're young! We just started going out! Why would he even be thinking about marriage?" Logan says he doesn't know, but that maybe they should hang out at his place for a while "so as not to give your grandparents a visual to latch onto." Rory says no, that she'll take care of it, and talk to her grandparents.
Y'all, I am sorry this recap is so boring, but this episode is a million times more boring than the human mind can comprehend. I can't be blamed! It's Minute 35 and I am begging for the end.
At the Dragonfly, Lorelai finds Michel at the front desk and tells him she's starved. "You're always starved," he drones. "Yes," she says, "but now I'm crash-landed-in-the-Andes, eat-my-teammates starved." She says she's going out to lunch, but then notices the new delivery boxes on the counter. "Where is all this stuff coming from?" she asks, desperately ripping open another box containing some crazy figurine. Michel says it looks like classic Home Shopping Channel addiction. She denies having such an addiction, although she admits that the figurines do look familiar. "Mmm, hmm," Michel snarks, "and was Joan Rivers or Suzanne Somers holding it up?" Before Lorelai can escape, he tells her that Kirk is waiting for her in the dining room to talk about the street name. Kirk is wearing a three-piece suit, and tells Lorelai that the Starts Hollow Board of Tourism is generously offering to give her one of three names that pre-date Sores & Boils Alley, so that whatever she chooses will still be historically accurate. The first one is Constabulary Road. Lorelai reminds him that Esther Wilkins received the exact same name, and that it would be incredibly confusing for both streets to have the same name. Kirk agrees that it would be a disaster. "It was back then, too," he says. "Mail was misdelivered, soldiers lost their way. It completely disoriented senior citizens. There was rioting, chaos, death. Everyone hated it." Lorelai doesn't bother to ask why she's been offered this name, and asks that they move on to choice #2, which is an unpronounceable fake Native American name that is not funny and not worth trying to spell out. The third option is from 1768 and is, Kirk says, something "flavorful": Crusty Bulge. "OH, come ON," Lorelai says. "The Dragonfly is a business. We need a credible street name!" She says they're going to keep Third Street. Kirk says that Taylor won't like that, but Lorelai actually shows some gumption and insists that is what's going to happen. She goes on a small rant about how ridiculous the other names are and, in the middle of it, suddenly comes has a revelation about all the packages she's been receiving. She finishes with Kirk, who is glad to be done, since his mom apparently tied his tie too tight. Too bad she didn't tie it tight enough to choke the life out of this episode.
Back at the Pool House, Emily has arrived with the nonagenarian repairman who originally installed the intercom system in the pool house. He's deaf, apparently, so I don't know how he's going to manage to figure out the volume control problem. When he goes into the bedroom, Rory takes a moment to talk to Emily about the conversation Richard had with Logan. Rory doesn't want Logan to feel pressured by her grandparents, and Emily agrees, and says she will speak with Richard about it. She makes girly small talk, asking how things are going with Logan. Rory tells her about the Birkin bag, and Emily FLIPS. Rory says that if it's so nice, maybe she shouldn't use it. "Oh, no," Emily says, "a Birkin bag is meant to be used." She goes on and on, repeating the words "Birkin bag" so many times that Rory starts to get worried. "A Birkin Bag..." Emily says, yet again, rapturously. "I'm going to remember this day." Obviously, Rory's receiving this bag confirms Emily's greatest desire that Rory and Logan will continue their relationship. ["Unless it means that Rory is just Logan's piece on the side and that he will eventually dump her with a scarf. I've seen it before." -- Wing Chun]
At Luke's Diner, Lorelai comes in with a three-alarm food emergency, requiring an emergency BLT, emergency chili fries, and a black-and-white shake. I don't understand how we're supposed to believe that this woman eats this food. Is it the coffee that keeps her so thin? I will drink more coffee! As a matter of fact, I should go have some coffee right now, just so that I can stay awake for the rest of this episode. Luke directs her attention to a giant, five-foot urn that was delivered for her there at the diner. Normally, he says, he has a policy about accepting five-foot urns for other people, but that it came while he was at the market, and Cesar signed for it. "Apparently," Luke says, "he didn't know about the policy." Lorelai sighs. "Oh," she says, "she's good. Covering all the bases. And, sending it here? Brilliant! Picking away at the people closest to me." Luke asks who it is that she's talking about. "Emily Gilmore!" Lorelai says. She explains that her mother has been the one sending her all this old stuff from her house for days, hoping to get Lorelai to respond. Luke says that Lorelai needs to call Emily and tell her to knock it off. "Oh, no," Lorelai says. "That's exactly what she wants! I poke my head out of the foxhole, and it gets blown off. Then I have no head, Luke!" He reminds her that there is a giant urn in his diner. Lorelai says that Emily has a tenth-degree black belt in passive-aggression (which is the first time I have ever heard anyone on this show acknowledge that particular Gilmore family value) and that she can't respond, because that's what Emily wants her to do. Luke just wants the urn out. Lorelai tries to convince him that it's more of a vase, and spruces up the diner. "It goes," he says, "today." Chagrined, she says she'll work on getting it out of there, "though," she adds, "I think it's one of a matching pair."
Emily cruises into Richard's home office to chat with him about her recent conversation with Rory. She reports on the prestigious handbag, saying that their worries about Shira Huntzberger's messing with Rory and Logan's relationship were unfounded. Richard seems confused, probably because he had no such worries, and Emily goes on to lightly chastise him for scaring Logan with his "intentions speech." Richard remains confused. "My 'intentions speech'...I'm not following," he says. "Intentions about what?" Emily says that Richard basically asked Logan when he was going to propose to Rory. Richard is genuinely flabbergasted, and says that he asked Logan nothing of the sort. "The boy misunderstood," he says. "I wasn't talking about their future. I was talking about..." He pauses and covers for himself, saying it was "scotch talk." He goes on to say that the idea of Logan and Rory's getting engaged is a ridiculous notion, because they are so young. Emily counters that she and Richard were young when they got married, but Richard says that was different: "We're us, and Rory's Rory. She has things to do." ["I'm a little surprised that Emily the Smith girl doesn't take any visible offense at the implication that she didn't or doesn't have 'things to do.'" -- Wing Chun] He says he was only asking Logan about Rory because she's been so secretive lately, always staying in the pool house. "Aren't you curious?" he asks Emily. "Richard," she assures him, "if you want to find out what's going on in a girl's life, you most certainly don't talk to her boyfriend. Follow me."
Richard and Emily troop over to the pool house to begin Operation Snoopy. Wait, that sounds like I'm talking about the actual Snoopy, and he is not involved in this ordeal. Snoopy is innocent of all charges! Anyway, they sneak in the pool house and start snooping around. Richard is uncomfortable with the whole thing, but Emily tells him she used to do this all the time in Lorelai's room. ["Pretty crappy snooping if it didn't head off the whole teen pregnancy." -- Wing Chun] "Once," she says, "I opened the bottom drawer of her dresser, and it was chock full of Tootsie Rolls. Hundreds and hundreds, practically spilling out. What could a girl possibly want with a drawer full of Tootsie Rolls?" Richard says that perhaps it was under the Tootsie Rolls that was important. That throws her for a loop: "UNDER the Tootsie Rolls! My God! I should have looked under the Tootsie Rolls. Oh, that's going to bother me." Hee. She sends Richard around, making him look behind Rory's books for secrets, while she goes into the bedroom. Moments later, we hear her orgasmically exclaim and realize she has found the Birkin Bag. Richard has finally had enough, and says he's leaving. He doesn't even know what he's been looking for. Emily chastises him for not having a snooping game plan, and has to smell the bag a few more times before she can leave it behind.
In the Stars Hollow square, Kirk is sitting in a booth, promoting the town's tourist attractions. He tells a visiting family about the miniature golf course, where he holds the single-round record. Menacingly, he informs the children that the place has closed-circuit TV monitoring: "So, you can forget about mulligans." Lorelai walks up as Kirk's telling them not to forget to see the giant urn at Luke's. "Lorelai," he says. "I'm sitting in a little gazebo." She says she can see that. "If you look real quick," he goes on, "you might think it's a regular-sized gazebo and that I'm a giant." Uh...wha? God, this episode is not funny. If you look really quick, you might think it's a regular-sized episode and that these lines are...stupid. Kirk gives Lorelai the latest version of the historic Stars Hollow map. Looking it over, she discovers that the Dragonfly is not on the map. Kirk explains that it only shows historic Stars Hollow. She insists that the Inn SHOULD be on it, but he says that since she rejected her street name, she couldn't be on it. Lorelai's pissed. Kirk blames Taylor. Lorelai wonders how, since they only talked about the street names that morning, she could already be off the map. "You know the old saying," he says. "'Cross the Don in the morning; sleep with the fishes in the afternoon.' Plus, Taylor has one of those really fast laser printers." (I know it's boring to nitpick stuff like this, but...you can't print a multi-fold map on any size laser printer.) Lorelai continues to protest. Kirk says he's just the messenger. "Assistant to the messenger," he clarifies, spoofing The Office. "Taylor's been clear on that."
Exasperated, Lorelai leaves and goes home, where she has to walk through a veritable mine field of boxes and fountains and urns, all presumably delivered by Emily. Oh, and what's that we hear? The phone ringing? It's Mrs. UPS 2005 herself, calling this time to deliver some of her hatefulness unboxed and in person. She says she's turning Lorelai's old room into a gift-wrapping room, and needs to get rid of Lorelai's old doll house, since she has no place to store it. Looking around at all the crap covering her house, Lorelai suggests that she put it in the basement: "There must be oodles of space down there right about now." Emily says she's been doing some house cleaning, and that she's only sent Lorelai the things she was going to eventually give her anyway. She asks again if Lorelai wants the doll house, and says she needs to know the exact time she'll be coming by to get it. Lorelai says that of course she wants it, and that she'll get it as soon as possible. "Call me the moment you work out your schedule," says her witch of a mother who HAS no schedule other than whatever is required to throw parties and torture maids. Lorelai says that she will, the very moment, and flings the phone down in disgust.
The dinner rush is on at Luke's, and the kids are loving the urn. Lorelai comes in, and he stomps by her, grumbling. "Hey," she says, surprised, "no kiss?" WHAT? Are they messing with me now? They never kiss! Anyway, Luke says he's too mad, anyway, because it's occurred to him that, for one thing, the whole street name change is a huge hassle, because he just realized he has to change all his mail and stuff. "And," he says, "I am in violation of ordinance 22B!" She asks him what that is, and he explains that the kids playing on the urn requires a jungle gym license, and that a fine has already been levied. Lorelai is just glad that Luke's mad at Taylor again. He certainly is: "If I want kids playing on my urn, no one's going to tell me I need a license!" Lorelai says she's thrilled he's ditched his Zen attitude: "Because, tonight at the town meeting, I'm taking it to the people, and the people are taking it to Taylor." Luke says that's good. "I've got a speech all planned," she says, "listing the years of Taylor wrongs -- the abuses, the manipulations." Luke says the town likes Lorelai, and that they'll follow her. "They do like me," she agrees. "I'm gonna use that." Luke says he'd go with her, but that he'd just end up throwing a bench at Taylor. No need, Lorelai says, because she's got it covered. Luke asks if she wants some coffee, but she says she's beyond it. "Beyond coffee," he responds, amazed. "This is big." Fueled by her righteous indignation, Lorelai offers her cheek for a kiss, and leaves to take on the enemy.
We see the result as Lorelai comes triumphantly into the kitchen of the Dragonfly. Sookie and Michel are excited to hear the whole story about how she prepared for the meeting by stopping at Luke's and feeding on his rage about the urn ordinance. The urndinance, if you will. She explains how she went to the town meeting, and how she stood up on a bench, "totally Norma Rae," writing "STRIKE" on her town meeting flyer, and trying to make a stand for justice. "Of course," she says, "the Norma Rae reference was only in my head, and everyone was very confused." Michel says that, yes, that happens a lot with her. Lorelai goes on: she marched up the front and announced that the Dragonfly was not on the map; that that was totally wrong; and that Taylor must be stopped. "Amen," Sookie says. "Kiss the ground, the South will rise again!" (Aw, man. I was just saying that to AB Chao the other day.) Michel stops all the celebrating, asking what happened . Lorelai says she told Taylor that if he didn't put the Dragonfly back on the map, it will be just like Molly Ringwald giving her underwear to Anthony Michael Hall, and him showing it to a roomful of boys who have all paid a dollar to see it. Right along with me, Michel responds, "OH, come ON." But no, Lorelai says. "That one, he got." The story goes impossibly on. Apparently, after all this, Taylor said that if Lorelai donated $100 to the Stars Hollow historical society, he'd let the Dragonfly back on the map, and let them keep Third Street. Sookie and Michel are elated! Everyone agrees that a hundred bucks is a small price to pay for sanity in this crazy, crazy town. But their relief is short lived, because there's more to the story: "And then...[Taylor] said 'good girl' and patted me on the head." Sookie and Michel see it coming and fear the worst. "We," Lorelai concludes, "are on Sores & Boils Alley." They cringe and insist that the $100 is nothing, and that Lorelai's pride can surely withstand a little patting for the sake of the Inn. Lorelai says no: Sores & Boils it is, and they will not be extorted. "We are the inn on Sores & Boils Alley," she says. "Historical. Proud." Michel and Sookie say that they'll also be "Oozing. Draining." Lorelai, however, is unmoved. It's stupid, but I can totally identify, being a world-class grudge-holder when it comes to minutiae. Don't get me started.
Anyway, Lorelai stomps out of that meeting only to receive a call from Emily, who says that Goodwill is coming to get the doll house at noon the day, and that if Lorelai can't pick it up, it will be gone forever. Hateful. Lorelai is really upset. I guess she hasn't noticed that Emily is acting about the doll house just like Lorelai acted about the street name, but honestly, I am siding with Lorelai on all of this, because the world is just being stupid, and she's just trying to live. She gets more upset, and says that she knows the doll house means a lot to Emily, too, and that she can't believe she's acting like this, but: "Fine. Give it away. Light it on fire. I don't care." She hangs up on her mother, and I applaud.
At the pool house, Rory is alarmed to see Logan trying to climb through her kitchen window to avoid being seen by The Grandparents. She tells him she talked to them, and that Richard was not trying to pressure them, and is not interested in their relationship being serious. "I double, super-swear on my Birkin Bag," she says, for added emphasis. Logan is relieved. "This cloak-and-dagger stuff is getting a little tricky," he says. "Especially if you don't own a dagger, or you look funny in a cloak." Look, don't try to make me like Logan, okay? With the cute lines? Rory says she's sure he'd look great in a cloak, and asks if he feels cool about everything now. He says he does. "Good," she says, adding, "Logan...I love you." Aw, MAN. RORY. GAH. STOP. Siiiiigh. Actually, it's kind of sweet, if COMPLETELY MISGUIDED, and Logan is slightly taken aback. "Wow," he says, "the lady who sold that purse to me said this was going to happen." Rory laughs and apologizes for springing it on him, saying that she just wanted to say it, and doesn't expect him to say anything back. "Look," he says, "I've told a lot of girls I love them, before, and I didn't mean it...so, I'm not going to do that to you." Rory looks crestfallen, and rightly so, because what an ASS he is. Is this some rite of passage for young women? Because I dimly recall hearing this myself once...and thinking to myself that I had just made a huge tactical error. Logan realizes his buttholery, and says that didn't exactly come out right. She laughs, saying he need say no more, and so he doesn't. He kisses her, instead.
Luke and Lorelai are at her house, going through all the Emily stuff. She's sending most of it to the Salvation Army. Luke finds an antique mixer, attached to which is a card from Aunt Celeste that shows it was given to Emily and Richard on their wedding day. Getting up to go answer the doorbell which has just rung, Lorelai says, "Thank you, Aunt Celeste. Love, the Salvation Army." Surprisingly, it's Richard at the door. He has Lorelai's doll house. She's grateful and says, yes, she does want it. "And," he adds, FINALLY giving us the episode payoff, "we need to talk about Rory."