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Luke says yes. Oh, did you want to know what happened after that? Huh. Well, let's see...some other stuff happens...like: somehow, the residents of Stars Hollow care that Lorelai did the proposing to Luke, and rather than blowing them off, he feels like he has to fix it, so he buys a ring...from Kirk. When Paris finds out that Rory is taking time off from Yale, she (rightly) wigs out. Rory's wretched boyfriend, Logan, throws her a party to celebrate her felony. I guess it's the last party she's going to go to for a while, because the day she gets sentenced to 300 hours of community service, plus a year of probation. Oops. Grandpa's lawyer buddy wasn't so hot after all. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We're reminded that, last season, Luke figured out that he loved Lorelai and freaked out when she thought about selling the Inn. Rory was advised by one, biased, pompous ass, her boyfriend's dad, that she didn't have what it takes to be a journalist, so she had a meltdown and stole a boat. That didn't go so well. She got arrested and melted down further, eventually deciding, in the face of her mother's rage, to leave school and move in with her grandparents. Lorelai, betrayed by her daughter and her parents, turned to Luke and overcome by his show of loyalty and devotion, proposed to him. He answered: "What?" Cliffhanger!
So, now here we are. The moment. They've even tried to make it look the same as when we cut away last season, but something's not quite right, I don't know. They tried. I wasn't recapping this last season, so let me take this moment to say that, smoking hot though she is, I am seeing a little too much of Lauren Graham's breasts. They are very nice, and all, but it's primetime.
Oh, the proposal. Lorelai repeats the question and, without waiting for another beat, Luke answers, yes. She assures him he doesn't have to answer so fast, and he interrupts to say yes, again. She tries to ask if he needs more time, and he jumps in again to say no. Lorelai takes a deep breath, happy, and they look at each other. It's very sweet. Lorelai asks what they should do to commemorate the moment, and Luke says he doesn't know, this is new for him. (Except, he was married before, I remember, and I assume that union was preceded by some sort of proposal.) Lorelai, tears in her eyes, says they have to do something official: "I mean, we're getting married, Luke. Married. You and me. Luke 'Table for One' Danes and Lorelai 'I'm Sorry, Can I Get An Industrial Forklift For My Emotional Baggage' Gilmore are getting married." Now, here is where you might expect oh, normal people, to leap into each others' arms to celebrate. Maybe even kiss. I know, call me crazy, but they just got engaged. To each other. ["Thank you!" -- Wing Chun] But they don't kiss, or hug, or shake hands. They don't touch at all. Still, they smile and look all blissful and nervous, and race around looking for something to toast with. Luke's got nothing except grapefruit juice and Worcestershire sauce, and it is agreed that neither of those is very festive. Why don't they just toast with coffee? Isn't their whole jittery, chatty relationship based on coffee, anyway?
Lorelai stops to consider where they might get some booze, and comes up with a plan. Grabbing Luke's hand, she leads him out the door. Luke: "Where are we going?" Lorelai: "To Funkytown." Hee. He tries to get a hold on her mania, and asks her to wait. She only gets more panicky and asks if the Funkytown thing was too quippy, or what, because she thought that's what he liked about her...he has to interrupt again, and we all remember that, hey, she just found out her kid dropped out of Yale and moved in with her parents, which she had expressly asked her parents to prevent from happening. It's been kind of a rough night, in other words. Luke wonders if Lorelai's really up to celebrating. "I just want to be happy right now," she answers, and Lauren Graham is so pretty...it's hard for me to hate on this scene. But I have to. Because what kind of answer is that? "Will you marry me? Because I really need to cheer up right now."
Luke goes along with it, though, and follows Lorelai outside, where the bike race we haven't thought about for one moment between seasons is still going on. Taylor's pissed that the whole thing has not concluded and decides to start handing out trophies post-haste to get everyone's ass out of his town square. He slings the trophies around to the first- and second-place winners, awards the third-place trophy to some random guy, and insists that everyone leave. Across the street, Taylor sees the happy couple looking into the windows of his market. They seem surprised that the place is closed, which is weird since, you know, they live there and I assume would know that the store wouldn't be open at 11 PM. or whatever time it is. No matter: to get Taylor to open the store, they make him the first one to hear their news. "I thought there was a better chance of all four of the Beatles getting back together," he says, by way of congratulations, "than you two ever calming down long enough get engaged!" Ha! Excellent point, but a bit of the pot calling the kettle aubergine, don't you think? Honestly, is there a character on this show more histrionic than Taylor? He and Emily could get together and have a Shrew-Off at Miss Patty's and it would be hard to pick a winner. Taylor lets them in, finally, and after they disparage his booze-related merchandise, or lack thereof, he remembers a case of Zima he has in the back. Lorelai is excited, but Luke rolls his eyes, saying that men aren't supposed to drink Zima. Lorelai will not be swayed, though, and insists that Luke "pay the man."
Luke and Lorelai jog out into the square, shooing the remaining bikers from the gazebo. Luke is still kind of eye-rolly. "Which one of us is not getting into the romantic spirit?" Lorelai asks. Luke: "The one with the case of chick beer under his arm." Finally, they are as alone as one can truly be in this town, and raise their chick beers in a toast under the twinkly lights. "To us," they say, clinking bottles...just they are plunged into darkness, as Taylor announces that the light guys "go on golden time in five minutes." They yell him into submission, and he turns them back on, just in time for, finally, a celebratory kiss.
Was anyone else kind of bored and let down by all of that? Rushing off to Taylor's? Still kind of crying about Rory? I'm not asking for big romance, I'm just asking for SOME.
Ah, post-commercial, post-coital bliss at Luke's apartment. Lorelai comments that the bed suddenly feels even more comfortable than before, and that they should drink Zima and have sex every night. Luke readily agrees. He fidgets around a bit while she tries to sleep. He probably just doesn't want to lie down for fear of messing up his wig. Why the wig, people? Why? If a man is as smoking as Luke, women do not care about his thinning hair. As a matter of fact, in some inexplicable way, it adds to his appeal. It bothers me that it's kind of a Backstreet Boy wig, too, with the fratty side-pieces. Frankly, I do not want it that way. Luke starts babbling that when Lorelai was musing on whether to take the travel job she had been offered, he had blurted out "what about the kids?" He's saying now that, you know, he didn't necessarily mean kids plural. They could just have one. Or maybe just a plant. He also mentions, casually, that he bought the Twickham House for Lorelai, though he doesn't have it anymore, but could probably get it back. "I bought it for the kids," Luke says, "that we don't have to have. It's a big house, don't have to fill it with kids...we could get furniture." Of course, he adds, he hates shopping for furniture; he thinks kids are easier. You and me both, my friend. Lorelai slurs that she loves shopping. Luke tells her to go to sleep, but then continues talking to ask her, "Is this really happening?" Lorelai confirms that it is, and Luke finally relaxes and lies down to sleep. They lie there in unprecedented silence for all of two seconds before Lorelai rouses: "You bought a house without telling me?" She proceeds to give Luke a drunky, sleepy lecture about how buying a house is huge, and that he should not do it again without telling her. He says he won't, and they finally settle down to sleep, again. Before dropping off, Lorelai smiles. "Kids would be good," she says, and Luke grins from ear to ear.
At the diner the morning, Luke's generosity overflows. When a customer picks up her pancake order and says that she didn't order blueberries, he assures her that "anti-oxidants are on the house today!" Awesome. Man, pancakes. I'm starving now. Everything's coming up roses until Miss Patty and Babette burst in, crushing Luke in a screeching hug. "You finally did it, you dumb sonofabitch," Babette says. "You finally got in there and closed the deal!" The ladies tell him that they are mad they had to find out about the engagement from the notorious Eastside Tillie: "She was spreading it around town like she's gonna be a bridesmaid!" They want to hear about the proposal, and assume Luke got down on one knee or hid the ring in anything, "like a glass of champagne or a cannoli." Heeeee. Please somebody, bring me a cannoli. Luke says that, actually, he's still working on the ring. See how he tries to keep his business to himself? Why does he live in this place? Babette and Miss Patty get excited, saying how, oh, spontaneous proposals are the best, after all. Babette says that Morey proposed to hear spontaneously. "It was a brisk fall night," she says, "and Morey was on top...no, I was on top..." Luke is scandalized. "Wait," Babette continues, "Stoney Morrison was on top." Luke: "Babette!" She "We were playing twister, did I not mention that?" Luke says no, she hadn't. "Oh, I probably should have." Miss Patty and Babette insist that Luke tell them how he proposed, and instead of, like, saying it's private, Luke explains that Lorelai proposed to him. Immediately, the two ladies put on their "bless your heart" faces. "Oh," Miss Patty says, "you went modern." They mumble a few more congratulations before he has to go back to work. "She proposed," Miss Patty says, clearly disappointed. Babette is also no longer as excited: "Yeah, well, thank God he's got a good ass."
Grant Lee Phillips, the Troubadour, is doing some strummy outside about a special, one-time deal on a pre-owned heart. If y'all think I don't love it, you're quite mistaken. I wish he were in every scene. I wish he'd come barreling into one of Richard and Emily's parties wearing a thrift-store sweater vest, menacingly brandishing a guitar. Lorelai strolls past in an outfit that I love (purse, jacket, shirt? Bangin'), and comes face to face with Twickham House, back on the market. She chats with the realtor, who gives her the high-pressure sale, naturally mentioning again how great the house would be for kids. "Not you, too," Lorelai jokes, as her phone rings. It's her father, who has called to update her on all the details of Rory's upcoming court date. He's happy to report that he's retained Charlie Davenport as Rory's attorney. "You remember Charlie, Lorelai," he says. "He bought you a doll for your birthday, once." He announces this like Lorelai's still a child, and like he's not trying to raise her daughter out from under her. He gets pissed when she doesn't seem interested in any of these Rory issues, and asks if she'll be present at the meeting. "Oh, no," Lorelai answers, "it sounds like you have everything under control." Richard huffs and says that, fine, he'll talk to her later. Lorelai: "Tell Charlie 'thanks for the doll' for me."
Morning dawns anew at the Gilmore guest house, where Rory is suddenly and violently disturbed by her grandmother and the maid barging in to redecorate. "There's plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes," Emily tells her, ripping open the curtains. Rory woozily tries to say that the place does not need to be redecorated, but Emily insists, placing a wallpaper sample on one wall before almost immediately tearing it down and deeming it "insane." She lures Rory out into the dining area with the promise of coffee, and we see that there is a breakfast spread laid out large enough to feed at least twenty-five people. Emily presents Rory with keys to all the houses and gives her the alarm code for the panic room, whispering "1-1-1-1-1." She implores Rory not to tell anyone else the code, especially the maid. "They tell their children," she says, "and then their children grow up and rob you." Classism is funny. We're hardly left any time to reel from this before Emily asks Rory where the rest of her things are. They're at Lorelai's, which is bad news for Emily, though she says she'll take care of getting it all moved over. Richard calls on the intercom to announce that the attorney has arrived, and Rory scurries to get ready.
Later, at the meeting, Rory has the conscience to cringe visibly as Richard and Charlie engage in Xtreme Cronyism. "If you knew the number of truly guilty criminals put back on the street by this man, here," Richard says, "you'd never believe in the criminal justice system, again!" Uh, congratulations? Rory gets a wrinkle in her forehead, but says nothing. When she finally gets a chance to ask a question, she says she'd just like to know what's going to happen. Davenport condescends to her like she is an infant, and explains how he's going to schmooze up the prosecutor and get him to agree on an easy plea bargain. Rory thanks him and swears she'll never need his help again.
Rory makes it back to the guest house, which she couldn't have left more than an hour ago, and finds it almost completely empty. Emily's project has begun. Rory sits down on one of three potential new chairs, and thinks. And then we make a weird transition to later that same evening (I guess) where we see...Rory again, getting ready to go out. And, like a breath of spring into a stagnant atmosphere, comes Paris. Thank God. Five minutes on screen, and she pretty much saves this whole episode. Paris asks Rory if she has any fear of sleepwalking right into the pool outside. "I do now," Rory answers. Paris is over to borrow a dress to wear to yet another event to meet members of Doyle's family. "He's got, like, five hundred cousins," she says, "and you know what? He's the tallest one in the family." Poor Doyle. Paris continues: "Every family get-together is like a Lollipop Guild Convention; I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the Chocolate Factory." Love it. ["Sure, but it's not like Paris is Wilt Chamberlain herself." -- Wing Chun] "Good, good," Rory coaches, "get it all out, now."
Paris finds a suitable dress and tells Rory that she and Doyle have decided to move in together, and would like Rory to move in to their extra room. Rory says that's very Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, minus Bob, but has to drop the bomb: she can't move in with them, because she's not going back to school. Paris pauses, and then declares, "You're pregnant." Rory says no, that's not the case. Ah, Paris jumps to the obvious conclusion. "Sick," she says, narrowing her eyes. "You look pasty." Exasperated, Rory says no again. Paris is now frustrated -- I mean, more than usual. "Well," she says, "I know your National Guard unit didn't get called up, so what's the story?" May I take a moment and say how very much I love Paris? How Liza Weil has not been snatched up to play "funny friend at the office" in every romantic comedy à la Joan Cusack in the '80s, I don't know, but I'm kind of glad, because, well, for one, they don't even make good romantic comedies anymore, and secondly, I don't want her to leave this show, because she elevates the quality of every scene she's in, not unlike Edward Herman does, whenever they give him something good to say. Anyway. Paris is the friend everybody needs. You've got to have someone around to call bullshit on the dumb things you're always saying. Rory repeats that she's just taking time off, and stomps out into the empty living room with the incredulous Paris trailing behind, asking what happened. Rory goes into defense mode. "People take time off," she says. "Einstein took a year off." Paris ain't buying it: "Yeah, after he discovered three laws of physics." Rory has had enough, and says not very convincingly that she is a grown-up, independent and on her own. Paris points out to this alleged grown-up that she has no furniture. Rory tries, but fails, to come off all casual and repeats Emily's earlier words about customizing the place to Rory's tastes. Paris, again, is on the case. "I get it," she says. "I know what this is all about..." But, no, Rory says she doesn't and, annoyed, tries to shoo Paris out...
...just as Logan oils in the door. Let me put it on front street: I don't like Logan. I hate all the "Ace" stuff; hate his dumb dad; hate his frosted tips with accompanying painstakingly arranged "tousled" look; loathe his "friends"; can't stand his cringingly hip fratty/metro clothes; and wish he would shut up. I am most happy when Paris clocks him a sideways look, here. Only giving him a single, accusing "You," she stomps out. He says something lame about vacation coming at just the right time for Paris, and he and Rory head off, as well.
Over at the diner, Luke is fighting with his cash register. Apparently, having something you can't use to hold money is what adds character to a diner. Kirk comes in carrying a metal case, saying he's heard that Luke might be in the market for an engagement ring. "Since you are a friend," Kirk says, "I'm prepared to make you a great deal. Or, will Lorelai be the one paying for it?" Luke harrumphs, saying no, she won't be the one paying, and Kirk is surprised: "Ah, Eastside Tillie called it wrong this time." Walking around the counter to throw him out, Luke is brought up short: the rings are actually really nice, and he immediately sees one that would be perfect for Lorelai. "And, these are real?" Luke asks Kirk, who confirms that they are. "I mean," Luke says, "real diamonds, not 'they exist' real?" Ha! Well, with Kirk, it's best to be sure. Luke asks him where he got all the rings. "I befriend really old women," Kirk says. Luke: "Excuse me?" Kirk: "Really old women need companionship, Luke. They are really old. Most people they know are dead. So, when someone comes along and they are not dead, and they'll listen to their stories and care about their dosage, they are grateful." Nice. Luke asks if Kirk is serious. "Serious as a heart attack," Kirk says. "Which is how I got that ring you're holding right now." Kirk says that, actually, he has a lot of sympathy for what Luke is going through -- Lorelai stole his moment, and everything, and he understands that Luke must be embarrassed, not being able to sweep her off her feet. Luke says he's fine, but Kirk goes on. "If Lorelai can just spring it on you like that," he wonders nervously, "what's to stop Lulu from springing it on me?" Luke: "Your creepy friendships with really old women might do the trick." Kirk says that he's been avoiding Lulu for two days, hanging up really quickly when she calls: "She may be mad, but there's no way she's going to rob me of my moment." Luke says he'll have his own moment, for sure, and decides to buy the ring. "Ah, old widow Mason," Kirk reminisces. "Thought she was Frida Kahlo toward the end."
In town, Rory and Logan are allegedly headed out for a drink and a movie. Rory's suspicious, but Logan insists he just wants to be low-key for the evening. "Last time you were mellow," she tells him, "you had a 104 fever, and even then we went bar-hopping for an hour before you fainted." Logan: "I didn't faint, I passed out. Drink, dinner, movie, that's it." Of course, that's not it, and as they round the corner, they find all of Logan's friends in the corner bar, dressed in prison stripes, singing "For She's A Jolly-Good Felon." Might be cute, if it wasn't also true.
At Lorelai's, Luke is waiting on Lorelai so that they can go to dinner. Unfortunately, there has been a purse/shoe incident that threatened the outcome of the whole ensemble. "It's technical," she calls down from upstairs. "You wouldn't understand." Luke says he doesn't want to understand -- he wants to leave, because he's starving. By the way, the wig is in full effect, here, causing me to renew my objection. Also, why is Luke wearing pants and not jeans? I need regular Luke. Put an unshaved guy with a floppy-bang wig in anything but jeans and it makes him look about one gold chain away from the USA Network. Look closer and you'll see I'm right. Anyway, Lorelai tells him to watch TV if he needs something to do. "How is that a response to 'I'm starving'?" The doorbell rings, and she suggests that answering it might be fun for him. He rightly says that he's not bored because he's six years old, he's bored because she told him to pick her up at 7 and it is now 8:30. An excellent point, but he answers the door anyway. It's Paris, all in a tizzy. "Who are you?" she asks Luke, by way of greeting, and barges in. He tries to introduce himself, to no avail, until Lorelai comes down and does it. It's hard for me to imagine that this is the first time Paris has met Luke. Is it? That doesn't seem right.
Anyway, Paris launches in to the whole sad tale of Rory quitting Yale, but Lorelai is steadfast in her nonchalance about the issue. "It's Logan," Paris says. "That Christopher Atkins wannabe is the reason that she's suddenly Blue Lagooning it right out of school." You go, Paris. And, she does. Lorelai tries to shut her up, unsuccessfully. Paris rants that Lorelai can sure pull "some of that supermom crap" to make Rory change her mind. From the peanut gallery, Luke agrees. Paris adds that Rory cannot quit Yale, and that they must do something. More agreement from Luke and his wig. Paris even hits on Luke's earlier suggestion of kidnapping Rory and making her listen to reason. I so wish they would do that. Paris sits down, lamenting that she needs Rory, because Rory's the only one who's ever given Paris any real competition: "She's my pace car. She's my Björn Borg. Without her...I'll get lazy. I'll fall apart. I'll have frosted hair and dragon lady nails. I'll achieve nothing; I'll become my mother." Lorelai tries to stop the spiral, assuring Paris that she's smart and driven and can become anything she wants, "except a diplomat." Paris ratchets it down about one one-zillionth of a notch, and the truth comes out: "Rory is my only friend. She stays in the room until I am completely done saying something; I need that." Aw, man. Lorelai makes what may be the colossal mistake of giving Paris her cell number in case Paris ever needs to talk to someone. Paris says she's going to hold Lorelai to her offer of being able to call her any time, anywhere. "It's not a threat, sweetie, if somebody makes the offer willingly," Lorelai tells her, handing over the number. As much as I really do love Paris, I would never want her to have my number. (Ah, what's that? Several of my friends commenting that I never answer the phone, anyway? I can hear you.)
When Paris leaves, it gives Luke another chance to up the whole Rory thing again. He asks Lorelai what she's going to do, and Lorelai says again that she's going to do nothing: "This is Rory's decision. She knew exactly how I felt about the situation and she chose to ignore me, she chose to move in with my parents, she chose not to tell me about it." Luke reiterates that Rory is just a kid. "She's not a kid," Lorelai says. She goes on about how Rory will soon be twenty-one and has been living on her own now for two years. (Dude, I must now pause and reflect on myself in college at the age of twenty and the many kid-like, dumb-ass decisions I made and things I still did despite being a legal adult. While I agree with almost everything Lorelai says about this situation with Rory, I also recall my own mother snapping me back to reality every time I was about to really step in it by pretty much threatening to murder me in my sleep if I didn't start acting right. She would have done it, too.) Lorelai says that young people have to learn these lessons on their own and be allowed to make mistakes: "I made a much bigger mistake than this when I was much younger." Luke busts her down: "Oh, so what? Just because you made it on your own, Rory has to, also?" Lorelai says no, her point is that she wouldn't have listened to anyone -- even if there had been anyone to listen to -- and that she had to go through it, and that Rory has to go through this, now. See, half of me totally agrees. But the other half? Well, why not just TRY to threaten to kill her if she doesn't go back to Yale? Sure, it's controversial parenting, but when done with love, it has a high success rate.
Back at the felon party, a bunch of annoying dialogue is happening courtesy of Logan's idiotic friends and the annoying actors that portray them. The gist is, everybody is celebrating how lazy they are and how they've bucked the system, and paying homage to Logan, "long-reigning King of the Sloth's." Rory laughs (somehow) and says that, this year, she plans to give him a run for the title. Logan actually shows a little character by seeming to be uncomfortable with all this lauding of his worthlessness, and tries to change the subject, but Rory persists. Finally, he says he gives her one month. "To do what?" Rory asks. "Before you're back in school," he says. "One month." Uh, as if she could start school during whichever month she pleases? Wait, is it still supposed to be summer? I guess so. In that case, why all these damn jackets? Rory is offended by the notion that she can't hack the slovenly lifestyle. "You love school!" says Logan. "Not anymore," Rory insists. "NO!" Logan says, finally saying the right thing. "You love school." Nope, Rory says she's reformed: "No more scheduling, no more planning. I am just going to spend my days making ice-cream beer floats and just taking life as it comes, you'll see." And, when the giggling dumb girls come back to take Rory to dance, Logan spends a moment looking pensive. Or, you know, maybe he's doing that. He also might be fantasizing about the J. Crew catalogue. Hard to say.
At the Dragonfly, Michel is uncomfortably standing at his post while an exceedingly sweaty guy from the bike race leans on the desk, looking over his bill. The biker is so pleased with the great night's sleep he enjoyed at the Inn that he just had to get up early and take one more ride around town. He's going on and on about it while Michel gets more and more icked by the sweat. Finally, Michel has to ask him to move his arm, and when the guy stands up, Michel immediately sprays the desk down with cleaner. Lorelai walks up to save the day, distracting Sweaty and asking if his bill looks okay. It does, and she offers to put it in an envelope while he waits by the door. She turns and dresses down Michel for being so obvious with the spraying. "He was sweating all over the desk," Michel says, indignant. "I have to work at this desk, and I have no intention of catching jock itch on my forearm just because Mr. Breaking Away over there can't shower before he invades my dance space." How do I love it? Let me count the ways. Lorelai can see Michel's point, but asks him to chill with the spritzing. He tells her that Emily has called to say she'll be at Lorelai's house at 11 to pick up the rest of Rory's things. Lorelai says, "Fine," and springs over to a settee just in time to stop Sweaty from sitting on it. When he finally leaves, she throws away the magazines he's sweated on and has Michel spray down everything he's touched.
Over at Lorelai's house, Emily knocks on the door. It is answered by...Michel. The same Michel we just saw at the Inn. Listen, between these scenes, I really need a transition of some kind. The same thing happened earlier when we had scenes of Rory waking up, followed by a cut to a scene of her in a meeting, followed by a cut to her getting ready to go out that night. Throw in a little Lane or Skokie, or hell, even Kirk in between. Anything to keep the brain from automatically wondering how Michel made it over to the house in a split-second. Anyway, Michel says he has "been sent to open the door, like a servant." Emily is confused that Lorelai is not there. "No," Michel says. "I am here and not at the Dragonfly Inn, which I theoretically run when I'm not busy answering doors like Benson." (God, Benson was an awesome show. Miss Kraus!) Emily continues with her sputtering, and is outraged to find that Lorelai has not packed up all of Rory's things to be left for Emily to pick up. "Where are Rory's good clothes?" she asks. "I don't know," Michel answers, flipping through a magazine, "but I will continue to search for them, frantically." Now Emily's really mad, and asks Michel if he's just going to sit there. He says he was instructed to stay until Emily leaves. "Like I need to be watched," she rants. "Like I'm a meth head stealing a television set to support my habit." Her anger reaches a fever pitch when she yells that Rory needs something to wear to court. "I'm sorry," Michel says. "If you're talking to me, you'll have to do it in woofs." Brilliant. Michel is Emily's perfect foil. "You've been working with my daughter way too long," she tells him, after a pause. Michel: "Don't I know it."
With no transition, again, we are now at the courthouse. Richard and Charlie backslap about how quaint the courtroom is, har har, while Emily fusses over Rory's outfit. "It's coming off a little more Mennonite than I'd hoped," she says, in the best line of the night.
The bailiff comes in to call The State vs. Lorelai Gilmore. Oooh, symbolism. Charlie asks who Lorelai Gilmore is. Rory says that's her real name, and sits down to face the judge. Y'all, the judge? Ain't goin' out like that. She asks Rory to stand, and explains the charge and the plea. Rory looks around while she's talking, and her eyes fall on two totally random people in the courtroom who are never explained, so we'll just pretend they aren't there. I can't tell if they're supposed to be the owners of the boat, faced with which Rory should feel guilty, or if they're other criminals, at which point we're supposed to think she's comparing herself to them, wondering if she's like "those people." Don't know. Don't have time to think about it, because the judge is throwing down. ["I thought they were reporters, to remind Rory of what she isn't and will never be." -- Wing Chun] The judge doesn't seem satisfied with the plea of twenty hours of community service, despite Charlie Davenport's cajoling that Rory's offense was a one-time youthful indiscretion. The judge sets aside the plea, saying that she won't tolerate rich, privileged children viewing the world as their private playground. "I don't care who you are," she says. "I don't care who your family is. When you commit a crime, Miss Gilmore, there must be consequences, period." Snap. Nobody in the courtroom was expecting this, obviously. Nor were they expecting that Rory would be given three hundred hours of community service to be completed in six months, plus a year's probation. "I can't do three hundred hours," Rory says. "I have to get a job." ["Bitch, please. You have six months to do it in -- that's only twelve hours a week. Suck it up and work out your schedule, or just do it all at once and get a job afterward. I HATE RORY." -- Wing Chun] The judge is not sympathetic and suggests that Rory add that to the list of things she should have thought about before she decided to joyride on someone else's boat. Oh, and P.S., Rory will now have a criminal record. Have a nice day.
Grandpa goes ballistic, threatening to sue everybody. The judge says, though she is not duty-bound to do so, she'll allow Rory to withdraw the plea and go to trial, after all, at which time she will face additional felony charges. Richard is still blustering and says he thinks she should withdraw her plea. Rory speaks up and takes charge, saying that she does not want to go to trial, and that she will not withdraw the plea agreement. The judge bangs the gavel, and while Richard continues to foam at the mouth, Charlie tells Rory that this is not that big a deal. Except, hello, it certainly is. If she does want to go back to Yale, can she even do it with a criminal record? Rory's most concerned that her mother has not shown up, and asks Richard if he is sure he told Lorelai the right place. "She knew all about it, Rory," he says. "She simply showed no interest in the matter." Rory looks sad, but all Richard can do is think of other lawyers he can get to sue the one he already has. He charges out after Charlie, and Emily implores Richard not to kill him in the courthouse.
It's nighttime when Lorelai comes home from...somewhere. Work? A date? I don't know. There are notes from Emily all over the house, which she tears up without reading. (Un)luckily, Emily has called and left a message on the machine, reading all the notes. She made copies. The condensed version is the same old thing: Lorelai's behavior is disgraceful, yada yada, bad daughter, etc. Lorelai listens, rolling her eyes, as she goes into Rory's room and starts throwing her daughter's things into a laundry basket.
Moments later, we see Lorelai bust into the bedroom of the sleeping Emily and Richard, and casually drop the basket on the floor. Richard wants to know why she's barging in in the middle of the night. "Mom just seemed extremely concerned about getting the rest of Rory's things," Lorelai says, explaining that she figured she'd better rush right over with them. Emily tells her to stop all this -- she knows that Lorelai hates her parents -- but Lorelai interrupts. "You were just being you," she says. "You couldn't help it." Emily wants to know what she's talking about, and Lorelai compares their behavior with the fable of the scorpion and the frog, concluding with "the scorpion says, 'Sorry, it's just my nature.'" She points to herself: "Frog." Points to her parents: "Scorpion." Good one, Lorelai. Lorelai goes on to congratulate her parents on finally getting their shot at raising a "new and improved Lorelai." Richard rolls his eyes and says that he knows Lorelai feels betrayed, but that they're all in it together to get Rory back on track, and they will need Lorelai's involvement. "My involvement ends here, with the laundry basket," she tells them. "I'm out. You've won. She's all yours...'Course, the laundry basket, I'm going to want back." Cold-hearted snake (or, frog, if you want to stay with that theme), she leaves.
At the diner, Luke is trying to close up while Kirk hops around, begging to get back the ring he sold Luke earlier. He thinks that was the ring Lulu had her eye on, too. Luke suggests that he pick another ring. "Well," Kirk says, "my back-up ring pulled through...plus, there's talk of her wanting to be buried with it." Luke is just about to escape when Babette comes running and screaming across the square and, in that time-honored tradition of busty women in a hurry, holding her boobs down as she runs. She needs confirmation on a rumor that there's been a rift between Lorelai and Rory. Luke wants to know who told her this. "Well, who else?" Babette gasps. "Eastside Tillie! That damn woman keeps trumping me." Luke says nothing, which confirms the rumor for Babette, who goes to full-on shrill, worrying that Lorelai is a basket case. Luke tries to calm her down and says that Lorelai has it completely under control. He heads off, while Babette still stands there, trying to catch her breath, looking like she's about to have a heart attack. Kirk sees his moment and sidles up: "Nice ring."
At home, Lorelai is wandering around her house, sad. She goes into Rory's room and sits in the quiet for a second, before throwing her water bottle against the wall and breaking down in tears. She's crying and hears the door open and catches her breath -- maybe it's Rory? But, no. It's Luke: "Full moon! Moment's here! Let's go!" he calls out. Wiping her eyes, Lorelai goes out to meet him.