For this -- the shocking season finale -- I decided to go the extra mile and fly home to my parents' house in Connecticut, to add greater sense of realism to my recap. It just so happened that my brother is graduating from college this weekend, but the real reason I came home was for you guys. Happy end of Season 5!
We pick up slightly after where we left off last week: Lorelai arrives at a police station to pick up her daughter. She's her usual chatty self with the desk officer, allowing us to find out that Rory was arrested and even put in a jail cell, although she didn't have any company there since, the officer says, it was a "slow night." (We later find out that this police station is in Bridgeport, a city where the chances of having a slow night, criminal activity-wise, is extremely unlikely.) Lorelai says that, usually, her daughter is a law-abiding "angel." A Yale-attending, law-abiding angel. By the conclusion of this episode, she'll be neither. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Lorelai asks if Rory is in "the system" now, like how Sipowicz's son almost was in that one episode. Sipowicz was very concerned about that. Should Lorelai also be concerned? The officer doesn't have much to say about that, possibly because he was a Hill Street Blues fan and thought that NYPD Blue was an inferior rip-off. The officer tells Lorelai that Rory will be released with a "promise to appear" in court, and Lorelai says that Rory will certainly keep that promise. She adds that Rory will probably arrive in court before the officer does. "I won't be there," says the officer impatiently. Lorelai decides to go sit down and stop making a fool of herself.
Lorelai shouldn't have worried, as Richie's assy friends Colin and Finn arrive and immediately prove to be far more annoying and silly than Lorelai could ever be. They ask the officer where they can order appetizers, and he tries not to leap over the desk, through the bulletproof glass, and strangle them. They take a seat to Lorelai and start talking about how awesome Richie is for his boat-stealing stunt. At that point, they realize that Lorelai is Rory's mom and become even more obnoxious. For probably the only time this episode, I'm actually happy when Rory enters the scene, because it means she and Lorelai will leave the station and Colin and Finn. They give Rory a "we're not worthy" bow as she walks by them.
Lorelai and Rory return to Stars Hollow and pull up in front of Luke's. They sit in the car and have awkward small talk about a bike race that will be going through the town, and about the fingerprint ink on Rory's fingers. Lorelai finally says that she'd like to start talking about the more serious and pressing issue of Rory's getting arrested. At that point, Rory's cell rings. She moves to answer it, saying it's Richie, and Lorelai says she'd really rather that Rory didn't talk to the guy who got her arrested right now. Not to mention the fact that it's very rude to start talking to someone on a cell phone while you're in the middle of a conversation with someone else. To her credit, Rory sticks up for Richie and says that SHE was the one who got HIM arrested. Since Richie spent the night in jail "because" of her, the least she could do is take his call. By this logic, you'd think Rory could also give five seconds of her time to the person who came to pick her up from jail, but no.
Lorelai angrily exits the car so that Rory can talk to her boyfriend. She's immediately accosted by Taylor, who doesn't get the hint when he calls out to her and she keeps walking. He's all like, "turn around! Turnaroundturnaround!" to get her attention. Poor Lorelai: only a few minutes into this episode and she's already had to deal with four brats. Taylor's big news is that the side of the road Lorelai just parked on is about to be a no-parking zone in five minutes because of the day's bike race, which Taylor claims is "very prestigious." Nothing says "prestigious" like people wearing spandex! Taylor says that if Lorelai's car isn't out of the no-parking zone when the clock hits 10, it will be towed away. At this, Kirk revs up a tow truck and announces that he is "coming" for Lorelai. Lorelai says she'll move the car before 10. Taylor says it would be easier if Lorelai just moved it now. Lorelai: "If it would be easy, then anyone could do it. And I'm a maverick!" She takes off. Taylor looks pleadingly at the sky, so exasperated is he with these bike-race-unappreciating people he is forced to share oxygen with.
Lorelai enters the diner and tells Luke about Rory's little misadventure. He's so shocked and appalled that he stops cleaning the counter to sit down with Lorelai and hear more. There's not much more to tell, though, since Lorelai hasn't heard any of the details yet because her daughter's celly was blowin' up. Lorelai starts talking about hand soap, and how Rory will need some to wash off the fingerprint ink. She says she has no idea what to do ; she didn't think she would ever have to deal with this kind of thing from Rory, who couldn't even return a library book late without being all upset that her overdue-ness had deprived the rest of the library's patronage of the chance to read the The Iliad. DORK! Luke is very supportive and packs a bag of diner pastries for the girls. Lorelai says that all young people do stupid things. At least Rory's stupid mistake won't stay with her for the rest of her life with its slurry baby voice, like Lorelai's did.
When Lorelai returns to the car, Rory is off the phone and confused about the "two-minute warning" Kirk just gave her. Lorelai gives her some donuts and asks Rory why on earth she stole a boat. Rory says she was upset. Lorelai says that when she's upset, she eats pound cake. She's a little annoyed that, for the thirty thousand dollars a year Yale charges, they don't even have pound cake, thus leaving students with no choice other than to steal boats when they're feeling sad. Rory sighs and tells Lorelai about Mitch's performance evaluation, and how Rory has absolutely no ability to handle disappointment. As Kirk's tow truck approaches the Gilmore Jeep, Lorelai goes off on Mitch and how he's full of crap. She says that Mitch isn't God, and that his opinion of Rory is both uninformed and unimportant. Rory makes an insincere-sounding apology for her behavior, and then starts to freak out as she realizes that she just got arrested and will need hand soap for those fingerprint ink stains. Lorelai -- the master of anticipating her daughter's needs -- says that they will figure this out. She starts up the Jeep and they drive away, thus depriving Kirk of yet another chance to wield whatever teeny-tiny amount of power he has over them.
The morning, the Troubadour sings about turning twenty-one and getting in trouble even though his mother tried to raise him better. That's the first time I've seen the Troubadour, and I hope it's the last. He's annoying. And silly. And not Elvis Costello no matter how hard he tries. Inside their apartment, Lane and Brian rush around getting ready for their respective workdays. Zach, on the other hand, stumbles out of bed and starts playing videogames. Lane looks around for her jacket, and finds it on her drum set, which is covered with clothes and empty beer bottles, like one of those exercise machines you got with every intention to use but soon became a makeshift storage container.
Rory comes to breakfast to find Lorelai putting a new decoration on the fridge: Rory's mug shot! Ha ha ha! I love it. She then gives Rory a breakfast consisting of a loaf of bread and a glass of water, which is awesome. Rory says she's glad her mother is enjoying this situation so much. "Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy," her mother answers. "It's something with a name that makes us giggle." Oh, so true. Lorelai then says that she heard about a shipment of plutonium down at "the docks" that she thought she and Rory could steal while dressed as nuns -- disguises that will both prove distracting and give the appearance of innocence. Rory says she has a final to take first. Lorelai then grabs two phones from a chair, puts them on the table, picks one of them up, and tells Rory to pick up the other. Rory obliges her, because Lorelai obviously went through a lot of work and put a lot of thought into all the ways to make fun of her daughter, so the least she could do is go with it. Rory calls an end to visiting hours and thanks her mom for letting her borrow the Jeep to drive back to school. Lorelai says she didn't have a choice: if she didn't let Rory borrow it, Rory would just steal it. Rory asks how long "this bit" is going to last. "Twenty to life," says Lorelai. Just keep setting yourself up like that, Rory. And, sure, Lorelai's attitude about her daughter's arrest should probably be a little less flippant, but that scene was a lot more fun than, say, watching the Camdens cry about their daughter ruining her life for TPing the school gym. I wonder what would happen if Rory were to accidentally run a child over and kill him. A half-hour of pure comedy gold at the very least.
Lorelai does get a little serious for a second when she and Rory talk about getting a lawyer. Rory's afraid that Lorelai will get one from Richard and Emily, whom Rory would prefer remained secure in their convictions that their granddaughter is perfect. Lorelai assures Rory that she won't tell them anything. I think Rory says she's sorry again, but it's really hard to tell what Alexis Bledel says sometimes -- especially in this episode -- because she slurs her words half the time and I'm not going to figure out how to activate the closed captioning on my parents' TV because an actress either doesn't know how to enunciate or got plastered right before shooting. Rory leaves for Yale. The phone rings. It's Richie, calling for Rory because he can't reach her cell, since it knew that Richie and Lorelai's talking would further the plot of the episode and decided not to work in order to allow this to happen. Richie gets a less-than-warm reception from Lorelai, especially after brings up his father, who will be hiring plenty of lawyers to make this whole thing go away. Lorelai says that Mitch has done more than enough already, and that the last thing she and Rory need is Mitch's help.
When Rory arrives at school, Richie is waiting for her. He asks her what his dad did. So Rory tells him about the performance evaluation, and Richie gets mad and says that his dad is a "jackass" who is always telling people how he feels no matter how hurtful that could be: "You're my girlfriend, Rory, he should have treated you better than that." I disagree; Mitch shouldn't have offered Rory an internship at all if her relationship with his son was going to make him treat her better than the rest of the non-Richie-dating staff. Richie says he's going to talk to his dad. Rory begs him not to, saying she doesn't want this to turn into something between Richie and his dad: "Don't put me in that position, please." Wait -- don't put RORY in that position? Richie's the one who's been put in a crappy position here. But he agrees not to say anything to Mitch, and asks in return that Rory tell him why they're committing a felony BEFORE they do it time, not that that would stop them. He gives her a big hug and a sweet kiss on the head and leaves her to study for her final.
The Prestigious Bike Race is in full swing outside the diner. Bikers loudly warn each other about a "big hole!" in the street as, inside, Taylor and Luke are about to complete the Twickham house transaction. Luke complains about all the "big hole!" cries while Taylor puffs up with pride at the "international sports event" he single-handedly brought both the beginning and end of to Stars Hollow. Luke is very annoyed to hear that he will have to endure more "big hole!" cries when the race ends later in the week. His mood improves slightly, though, when he finishes all the house paperwork and Taylor says that the Twickham house is officially his, although he has a legally required three-day "cooling off" period in which to change his mind.
Over at another table, Lane announces that she's taking her break and throws down a plate of fries to start the band meeting. Brian says that Gil is running late, and Lane is pissed. Zach bitches that the fries don't have chili on them to mask the potato taste, because he loves to whine. Gil finally arrives, hilariously played by Sebastian Bach. I love this show just a little more every episode. Lane yells at him for being late. Gil sarcastically apologizes for having to pay for his kid's college education. Lane gets right down to it, and asks the band if they're breaking up. Zach is immediately alarmed, but then realizes that Lane is talking about the band, not them, and is very much relieved. Lane says that the band doesn't seem important to anyone anymore, and that they all have better things to do than practice. Brian takes this inopportune time to announce that he got the full-time receptionist job, and Gil and Zach say they are happy for him. Lane isn't, saying that, according to her mother, she gave up the chance to spend eternity in Heaven to be in this band, while her bandmates seem to have given up nothing. Brian points out that they've played every club in the rural Connecticut area several times over, so there really isn't anywhere else for the band to go. Lane suggests a tour. Gil says that tours are complicated and costly. "Big hole!" says a biker. "That's it!" says Luke, running out the door with a baseball bat. "Big bat!" say the bikers.
Michel! Michel is back! He walks past a group of spandex-clad men hanging out in the hotel lobby and shoots them a disapproving glare as he delivers a gigantic gift basket to Lorelai. It's from Mike Armstrong, inn-buyer extraordinaire, and includes all sorts of luxury travel items one would need were one to, say, sell her inn and become a traveling inn consultant. Lorelai is thrilled. Michel is not: "You're going to sell the Inn to Mike Armstrong and then you're going to go off and have a wonderful life and I'm going to be unemployed." Lorelai says she has no intention of selling the Inn. She just gets a kick out of "being wooed" and having someone want her enough to give her things. And yet, Luke's gifts of donuts and soft-shell crab dinners are never met with this much enthusiasm.
Rory takes her final. Her professor gives the class a twenty-minute warning. Students write furiously, except Rory, who just sits there staring out the window, her head resting on her hand. Her exam book sits open in front of her, blank. It looks bad, but maybe the prof gave them one of those exams with only one question that's really long and hard, and then at the end of there question there's a sentence telling you not to write anything at all, so you're really just being tested on your ability to follow directions and Rory will get the best grade in the class.
Luke arrives at the Inn with his handy-dandy toolbox and Lorelai gives him a verbal list of today's needed repairs. He notices Lorelai's box of gifts and asks whom it's from. Lorelai says she has another lover who owns a diner in Woodbury. Luke ignores this and reads the gift basket card. He forgot all about the Mike Armstrong guy and never knew that Lorelai ever met with him. She says she did, at Luke's recommendation. She's thinking about his offer. Luke starts getting worked up over the fact that Lorelai might take this job; Lorelai smirks and says she probably won't, but that she's still "mulling" it over, because she loves to watch Luke squirm and be unhappy, apparently. Luke says thatif Lorelai takes the job, she could end up traveling all over the place, never mind where her new office would be. "What about the kids?!" he shrieks. "What...kids?" asks Lorelai. "Uh...nothing. Never mind, forget it," says Luke, and runs away to fix something before Lorelai can ask any more questions.
Lane comes home to Mama, who's working in the 20% off section. It has a really nice-looking dollhouse in it. Lane tries to make some small talk, which doesn't go over well with her mother, whose talk is never small. So Lane gets to the real reason why she's visiting: the band is on the verge of breaking up, so she'll be moving back to the Kim house soon and let her mother enroll her in a Seventh-Day Adventist College. Lane waits for her mother to be all excited and happy that her daughter is finally walking down the path she made for her, Mama K's reaction is much different. "You are not the daughter I raised!" she says, rising in fury. She says she raised Lane never to give up, no matter what.
Lorelai meets Rory at the Weston Bakery. Rory says her final went "well" and that she'll be home for summer soon. Lorelai thinks that today is the day they'll actually make it through all twelve layers of the German chocolate layer cake, saying that the bikers have provided her with the inspiration to challenge herself. Rory says she needs to be serious for a second. Lorelai points out that Weston's seems to be the place where they always have their bad conversations. As bikers whiz by in the background (don't they have, like, an entire state to race through? They've been hanging around Stars Hollow for days now!), Rory says that she's made the decision to leave Yale because she isn't sure if it's the right place for her now that she doesn't know what she's going to do with the rest of her life. I'll bet the majority of Yale's undergrads have no idea what they're going to with the rest of their lives either, but they manage to remain enrolled. Rory lies that this has nothing to do with what Mitch said to her. Lorelai points out that Mitch might have had an ulterior motive for that performance evaluation, like the fact that he doesn't want Rory to date his son. Rory says that while certain members of the Rich family were very vocal about their disapproval of the union, Mitch wasn't one of them. And even though her sudden decision to drop her career plans has nothing to do with him, Rory says that if Mitch says she doesn't have what it takes to be a reporter, than she must not have what it takes to be a reporter. Rory adds that Richie seemed to agree with Mitch, since he never said that Rory was a good journalist when she told him what his father said. Because if you aren't showering Rory with praise all the damn time, then you must be against her.
Rory adds that taking a break from "college" is normal and that students do it all the time, something her mother -- having been too busy RAISING HER DAUGHTER to attend college -- wouldn't understand. Little snot. Lorelai accuses Rory of acting "incredibly immature," and when Lorelai accuses you of being immature like that's a bad thing, it's a big deal. She says that if Rory leaves college, she'll "lose momentum" and never go back. Rory says there's no momentum to lose, since she doesn't know what she's working toward anymore. Lorelai tells her to do what every other college student does, and to take some classes and find out what she does want to do. Rory says that Yale is too expensive to attend without knowing exactly why you're there. Lorelai points out that Rory isn't the one footing the bill, and asks Rory what her plan is, just like she asked her at the end of the last season. Rory doesn't know yet. Lorelai isn't hungry anymore.
Luke sees Taylor standing on the corner of the street and runs across it to talk to him, taking out several bikers on the way. That's what they get for taking three days to start a race. Luke tells Taylor that he's using his cooling-off period option to cancel the transaction. He doesn't want the house anymore.
Emily and Richard enjoy breakfast together. Emily talks to Richard, who doesn't seem to be paying any attention to her. So she says that she's planning to run off with Marshall, the golf instructor. Richard says that's fine. The doorbell rings, and Emily wonders who it could be. Richard says it's probably Marshall, who can't wait to "have" Emily: "I know I couldn't." Ew. Ew. Ew. Enter Lorelai, who sits down and asks her parents for their help because Rory is quitting Yale. Emily immediately accuses Lorelai of lying, and says she doesn't appreciate the joke. Lorelai says she isn't lying. She tells them about the disastrous dinner at the Rich mansion, which I thought she told them about before, to their disbelief, but this time they do believe her and are not pleased to hear that Rory was considered "not good enough" for Richie. Lorelai adds that Mitch then offered Rory the internship to rip her dreams apart with the performance evaluation, after which Rory lost her shit and stole a boat and got arrested. Richard whips out a little notebook -- a move that I love -- and asks Lorelai what she needs them to do. Lorelai says she told Rory that coming home to waste time in Stars Hollow isn't an option, and that she's hoping that, at dinner this week, they can "triple-team" Rory and convince her to stay in school. They should just hire Mr. T for that. He's probably affordable, and kids being cool and staying in school was always really important to him. Richard says he'll work on getting Rory a lawyer. Emily's anxious to talk to Rory now, but Lorelai and Richard both think it's better to wait. Emily offers Lorelai some breakfast. "I think I just got everything I need," Lorelai says. Sigh.
Some time later, Richard asks the newest Maid Victim if one of his shoes seems more faded than the other. Maid responds by shaking and looking terrified. She's like the human version of a bunny rabbit. Richard can't deal with all this womanly emotion, and tells her to go work or something. Off she scampers. Sadly for him, Richard's encounters with fragile female feelings are not over, as Rory comes to the house, arms folded under her chest and shoulders hunched in sadness, and says she needs to talk to him. He tries to avoid all of this and asks if it can wait until dinner, when there will be two other women/buffer zones around. ["I thought his hesitancy was also because he thought he'd be helpless to resist Rory's persuasive powers on his own." -- Wing Chun] Then Rory breaks out into non-tears. The look of horror on Richard's face at this blatant display of emotion is hilarious. Rory says that she messed everything up and that her life is falling apart. Richard says that Emily will be back soon and couldn't Rory hold her tears until then? Yeah, like Emily will be able to handle this any better. Rory cries tearlessly. Richard offers to make tea. Rory initiates human contact with him, and he has no choice but to hug her back and say that everything will be all right.
The band, sans Lane, paces around the apartment as they wait for Lane to show up to the emergency band meeting she called. Gil is annoyed at the delay because he has a "ten-pound salami" sitting in his delivery van. Zach and Brian giggle. Suddenly, the door is kicked open by one Mrs. Kim, scaring the crap out of everyone. Lane enters behind her and happily says that the band is going on tour. Mrs. Kim tells them to gather around her for the details. The three guys look at each other until Mrs. Kim tells them to stop standing around looking stupid. She's awesome. Mrs. Kim tells everyone about their upcoming tour locations, all of which are churches -- the churches on the Seventh-Day Adventist East Coast entertainment circuit, to be exact, which Mrs. Kim has been familiar with since her days in an "all-girl Christian tambourine band." All girls, all Christian, all tambourines, and no Friday night shows. Must have been a thrill. Mrs. Kim adds that the band will be put up in various church members' houses during their tour. Gil says that this seems "a little weird." Mrs. Kim: "'Weird'? What weird? You need to play, here's places to play. Nice places, clean places. Don't wear that outfit on stage," she adds, referring to Gil's delivery uniform. She asks for a copy of all the bands' songs so that she can make sure the lyrics are clean, and Zach balks. "Oh please!" says Mrs. Kim. She rattles off the latest Prince tour statistics to prove that money can be made even if a performer "doesn't swear" and mentions God. I don't know that Prince of the butt-cheek exposing one-piece is the best example here, but I'll take it, and so will Zach. Mrs. Kim asks what the band can use for transportation. Brian suggests Gil's delivery van, which is currently filled with salami. Snicker, snicker.
Mrs. Kim runs outside to check out the van. Zach hangs back and says that they can't go on a "Crazy Christian Crusade" tour. But they're the best kind! Lane says that it doesn't matter where they're playing, as long as they're playing. Brian says that a tour could be neat. Gil says it could be much more than that. Mrs. Kim calls them over to the van. Gil says he doesn't think it's big enough for the band, to which Mrs. Kim says that all twenty-seven tambourine ladies could have fit "very nicely" in a van this size, and had enough room to keep their legs crossed. All the better to prevent a salami from making a surprise and unwanted entrance. As she says that Lane will be riding "up front," we see Brian kick the ground, all angry that Lane gets the coveted shotgun seat. Hee. Mrs. Kim runs over to the front of the van to check out the engine. Lane asks what the band thinks. Gil's on board. So is Brian. Zach says that if everyone else is going, he is too. The band members cheer and hug until Mrs. Kim yells at Gil to help her pop the hood. Lane thinks about how, sometimes, having a super-religious, super-determined, super-tambourine-playing mother isn't so bad after all.
Lorelai arrives at Friday Night Dinner. She came early so that she and her parents would have time to "strategize." But even early, she's too late, as it turns out that Richard and Emily have been doing some strategizing of their own, and decided that Rory will be moving into their poolhouse during her sabbatical from Yale. They'll get her a "suitable job" and, after a "suitable" amount of time has passed, "revisit" the subject of her returning to school. The camera zooms in on Lorelai as she listens to this. When Richard has finished speaking, Lorelai simply stands up and walks to the dining room. She asks if this was where they had their earlier conversation, which it now seems like she just imagined. "You said you would back me on this. You said you weren't gonna let this happen," Lorelai says. Her parents say this is what Rory wants, and that they need to respect it. And they know this because Rory came to them and told them that, then left it to them to break the news to Lorelai and create a rift between her mother and grandparents because while she's apparently adult enough to make her own decisions, she's still too childish to be able to face their consequences. Emily says that this plan makes the most sense, since Lorelai won't let Rory move back in with her, and they don't want her moving in with Richie, who it seems that they have finally realized isn't perfect. Richard tells his daughter to think rationally for a second, and that she'll see they're right. Lorelai storms out.
Sad music plays as Rory unpacks her stuff in the poolhouse. Lorelai watches her through a window. Rory stops and looks at her for a second, then looks away. Lorelai leaves.
Taylor is livid. The bike race is finally ending, but it's at night, when no one will be around to see the beauty of Stars Hollow and buy souvenirs. If only the bikers had actually left the starting point when the race started instead of spending the week at the diner and the Inn, things would have ended at a more convenient time. If only Taylor wasn't in this episode, we would have had time to see some of the other long-forgotten cast members who appear in the opening credits, like Paris or more of Michel. Kirk, still wearing his towing outfit, lends a sympathetic ear. As the bikers cross the finish line, Taylor screams at them that they're all late.
Lorelai enters the diner, where Luke is wiping the same counter he was dealing with at the beginning of the episode. Lorelai tells him that Rory dropped out of Yale and moved in with her back-stabbing parents. "She was supposed to have more than me. She was supposed to have everything," Lorelai says. "We had a plan." Luke says that he's the one with the plan now: Lorelai will call Yale back and re-enroll Rory, and then they will take turns walking her to every class. She won't drop out on his watch! Lorelai stares as she realizes that, while the rest of her family has let her down and crapped on her, Luke has always been there. "Luke, will you marry me?" she says. "What?" says Luke. "Executive Producer: Amy Sherman-Palladino," says the Black Screen of Information. Have fun waiting the summer out, fans!