Rory, Lorelai, and Emily enjoy what appears to be the dessert portion of Friday Night Dinner. And they're all getting along quite well, which is surprising, given Emily's total and complete contempt for Lorelai just last week. I guess a lot of uncharacteristic making up and apologizing happened off-camera. I'm glad for it, nonsensical as it is, because I finally get to see the Emily I was expecting. The three Gilmore Girls enjoy chocolate fondue, although Lorelai and Rory refuse to dip anything but marshmallows. Lorelai's refusal to eat fruit WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. Emily asks Rory and Lorelai's opinion on her latest charitable venture: the Hartford Ballet has asked "select patrons" to sponsor individual dancers, and Emily doesn't know which dancer to buy. Lorelai questions the legality of this, while Rory asks Emily what sex she prefers. Emily wants a cute little girl, although Lorelai points out that not all the female dancers are cute, showing off a picture of one who needs a trip to the dermatologist. But really, who doesn't need a trip to the dermatologist? It's important for everyone to have regular checkups, especially if you have suspect moles. Skin cancer affects both the young and old! And hereth end my PSA. Lorelai tells Emily that this is creepy. Emily says it's nice, because they're "endowing" dancers. That sets Lorelai right up to say that dancer Gregorio looks "pretty well-endowed already" as she hands the picture off to Rory. Rory takes the picture as she hands Emily a picture of a "cutie patootie," because Rory wants to be Rosie O'Donnell now. Rosie O'Donnell would step on Rory if they were ever to meet, I think. Rory checks out Gregorio, asking "what's up with that" -- "that" being Gregorio's enormous package. Emily steers the conversation away from such blue topics and says that they should make two piles -- one for "maybe"s and one for "no"s. "Sandpaper Face is a no?" asks Lorelai. "Definitely," says Emily, with the best delivery ever. "What about Endowment Boy?" asks Rory. Emily pauses, and then quickly says "the 'maybe's." "You go, Grandma," says Rory. Hee.
After the opening credits -- where we once again get our only glimpse of certain cast members this week -- Rory and Lorelai are outside, transferring boxes and bags from one car to the other. It looks like Rory is gradually moving her stuff back to Stars Hollow in anticipation of her summer break; she'd rather do it this way than rent a U-Haul, since Lorelai doesn't have a very good track record with them. Or with most things, it seems. Rory and Lorelai then "finalize" their plans for Thursday, giving them a good excuse to tell us that they're throwing a surprise baby shower for Sookie during her regular midday napping period. Rory makes a remark about how lucky Sookie is to be able to nap and not feel guilty about it, like, what does Rory do in college? I know I spent a goodly part of it either napping or planning my nap. Lorelai says that they were really smart to wait so long to throw Sookie a baby shower, since she'll be totally surprised. Rory points out that waiting a long time wasn't part of a plan so much as it was because they totally forgot. Lorelai is a good friend. The girls kiss goodbye and walk to their respective cars, at which point Rory realizes that Lorelai has accidentally packed her purse away for a third time.
The morning or so, Kirk calls Luke over to quibble about the price of toast. Luke raised his price ten cents. Kirk tries every angle to get out of paying the extra dime, saying that he should get a break for not using butter or jelly and for reducing the wear and tear on diner seats because he doesn't squirm very much. Eventually, Luke just agrees to let Kirk pay only an extra five cents so that he can get Kirk out of his baseball-cap-covered hair. Lorelai comes in and shows Luke the advance copy of that troublesome American Travel magazine, in which the Dragonfly is a cover story. Luke is very excited about it, saying he'll have to get a new pair of pants for the party the magazine is apparently throwing in Lorelai's honor after they published her slanderous accounts of her mother, then agreed to pull the article, then went ahead and published it anyway. Lorelai gives Luke his very own copy of the magazine, which he says he'll frame. He asks Lorelai what it says. "It was then, sadly, that I discovered Luke could not read," says Lorelai. Just about everything that comes out of her mouth cracks me up. Lorelai gets serious and says that she "nearly cried" when she read the article, both in happiness about the things it said about the Inn, and fright about the things it said about Emily. Lorelai predicts that Emily will be sending men after Lorelai. Men armed with tire irons.
The phone rings, and Cesar answers it and tells Luke it's Taylor. Lorelai tells Cesar that he just broke Luke's "tell Taylor I'm out if he calls even if he can see me through the window" rule, but Luke says he actually needs to talk to Taylor about something, and takes the call. Taylor tells Luke that the Twickham house is nearly his. Luke doesn't say much in response, since Lorelai's there and I have the feeling that Luke is buying this house for the family he intends to start with his other girlfriend -- the one he allows to touch him in public. Luke gets off the phone with Taylor just in time to hear Kirk's complaint that the sales tax on his check is a penny off. Luke asks Lorelai where Emily got her tire-iron men. "The D.A.R.," says Lorelai. Duh.
Rory has gone from goofy incompetent child worker to SuperIntern since we left her last week. She breezes through the office, passing out various folders and files and being totally on top of everything. Richie Rich finds her, and speed-walks to keep up with her fast pace. His walk is pretty doofy as it is, and the sped-up version looks even sillier. Rory hands a file to Frogceptionist, who reports that she isn't on speaking terms with Tech Guy Patel. Normally, I'd be interested in co-worker animosity, but I'm kind of pissed that Frogceptionist has been in both this week and last week's episodes while Michel was absent from both. Richie and Rory make their way to Rory's cubicle, and she points out that she has made an attempt to "customize" the space with a picture of Brian Eno. Wouldn't have been my first choice to create a comfortable office environment, but Rory is kind of weird. Richie asks Rory to cut out of work early, but she says no way. Mitch comes around and says hello to Richie, who introduces himself as "Jose Canseco, post-steroids. Should be a warning to people." If the side effect of shrinking testicles and horrific body acne doesn't serve as enough of one, I doubt looking like Richie Rich is going to do it. Mitch takes off for the fourth floor, and Richie asks if his dad has been treating Rory right. Rory says he absolutely has, because she hasn't read the rest of this episode's script yet. Richie reminds Rory of their Friday plans to attend Honor's engagement party, asking her to try to duck out of Friday Night Dinner early so that he can have more time with her. He sweetly says he misses her. Aw. Rory says that once the internship is done, she'll have lots more time for Richie -- unless she gets the summer job at the paper. Richie says she's a shoo-in. OR IS SHE?
Lorelai and Luke head home from the party. The magazine hired a limo to transport them, and they took advantage of the designated driver to get wasted at the party. Luke rants about the evils of the Big City for a while, saying they should just push all of Manhattan over to Europe. Lorelai says that's fine, as long as they do it after she sees Spamalot!, because she paid a lot for those tickets. She also says she loves "Ranting!Luke," if not, apparently, Normal!Luke. I'm just glad he bothered to shave for the occasion, although he's still got some stubble. Either he still hasn't mastered the Schick Quattro, or Luke's got some fast-growing facial hair. Lorelai and Luke talk about how they drank during the party, but ate nothing. "I haven't been drunk in years," says Luke. That, of course, is not true. Luke rubs Lorelai's leg, and then they make out. It's about time they acted like a real couple. Weird that this huge party was on a Monday night, though.
The morning, Lorelai and Luke are naked in bed. Together. Lorelai wakes up, sees Luke, and totally makes a "I got drunk last night and slept with WHAT?" face. The Walk/Stagger of Shame she does away from the bed adds to the effect. We'll find out soon enough that Lorelai's horror was about something else, but on first viewing, this scene really makes it looks like Lorelai hates her boyfriend.
After the commercial, it's a few days later and a now-fully-clothed Lorelai makes her way outside to meet Rory, who is arriving with the surprise baby shower stuff. She bought the decorations from the grocery store, which has a limited selection of party supplies. Sookie will have to make do with cups and plates let over from Easter and balloons featuring the Happy New Year baby. Rory says they can just change "year" to "baby" and it will totally work. That is one ghetto baby shower. Rory and Lorelai are about to enter the house when Jackson and Sookie run out, on their way to the hospital. "It's comin' 'round the mountain!" Sookie says. Rory freaks out and runs away to get Sookie's suitcases so that she won't have to see anything. Sookie and Jackson get into the car, and Rory keeps her eyes closed and says her goodbyes. "I have to go back to Yale," she says. She just loves throwing that Ivy League name around, doesn't she? Lorelai says that Rory's haste to leave is probably more due to her being "thoroughly sickened by what's happening to [Sookie] right now" than it is her needing study time. Sookie says she's having a contraction. Rory winces. Oh my god, Rory, it's not like that baby is going to come flying out of Sookie and you're going get hit in the face with the placenta or anything. Actually, I wouldn't put that past Daniel Palladino, so maybe Rory has every right to be scared. Jackson and Sookie drive away. Rory says she won't open her eyes or go back to her car until she's given them a five-minute head start, since they're taking the same road. "Good thinking, honey," says Lorelai.
Luke pours coffee for his diner patrons as Kirk laughs over Marmaduke's latest antics. The phone rings, and it's Taylor. He's got some bad news for Luke: someone has made a competing offer on the Twickham house, and this other person can pay cash for the down payment. Taylor claims that he tried defend Luke's right to buy the place, but "the powers that be" are considering going with the other guy. Luke says he'll up his offer, then. Taylor says that won't work -- the competing guy has "vast resources" amounting to a quarter of a million dollars in cash. Luke demands to know who Stars Hollow's Mr. Moneybags is. Taylor tells him, but we don't hear it. Luke hangs up the phone and marches over to Kirk, who greets him with a "Sally Forth is on fire today! On FIRE!" I usually find Kirk to be annoying and weird, but that line was really, really funny.
Luke doesn't care about Sally Forth, though. He screams his question to Kirk about how the hell he got a quarter of a million dollars. That's right; the guy who threatened to sleep in an igloo when no one would give him a couch to crash on actually has a quarter of a million dollars at his fingertips. 247,868 dollars, to be exact. Kirk says he's had fifteen thousand jobs over the last eleven years and saved everything he ever earned. That's easy to do when you don't have to pay rent, I supposed. His savings, plus "the miracle of compound interest," have made him a quarter-millionaire. Compound interest is indeed a miracle. One of my favorite math classes was when I learned about how you could put two dollars in a retirement fund when you were twenty-one, and then by the time you were sixty-five, you would be a billionaire. Meanwhile, you could put half a million dollars in that same account when you were forty, and it would be worth, like, half a million and two dollars when you turned sixty-five. Kirk says he wants to buy the Twickham house for himself and Lulu, and he doesn't care that Luke wanted it first. Luke says there is no way Kirk is stealing his house. Kirk says that he did a little research, and found that Luke's current financial status means he can't afford a down payment of more than 5%. Kirk, presumably, can afford a lot more than that. Luke says he's one of Stars Hollow Bank's "oldest customers." Kirk says he's Stars Hollow Bank's "biggest customer." How does a town of six hundred people have its own bank? And wouldn't a guy with a steady job like Luke be less of a risk than a guy who does odd jobs all the time, regardless of his ability to make a down payment? Luke asks why, if Kirk has all this money, Kirk was arguing with Luke over an extra penny of sales tax. Kirk says that the fact that he won that argument shows why he has much more money than Luke. He asks Luke for change of a hundred, and Luke storms out.
Luke marches into Taylor's silly ice cream parlor and demands to speak to the "town elders." No, really. It seems that Stars Hollow has a group of "town elders" who oversee its assets and make decisions about things like whom to sell the Twickham house to, because we now live in a silly fairy-tale land. I'm sorry, but no town, no matter how quirky, is going to leave its most important financial decisions to a group of unelected old people. Especially because, if they're anything like the senior voting public from the small Connecticut town I grew up in, they'd just demand an addition to the senior center and cut the public school's budget. Why should their precious tax dollars go to schools they don't use anymore? Taylor says there's no way the town elders will agree to see Luke. Luke says he will see them, and that's final. He glares at Taylor as he leaves the shop.
Sookie, accompanied by Lorelai and Jackson, is wheeled into a delivery room by a nurse. She's lucky. In high school, I was a volunteer at a hospital, and one of my jobs was to bring women to the delivery rooms. I would wheel them to Labor and Delivery, and some cranky nurse would tell me which room to put them in, and then I'd take them there. Most of the time, the lights were off in the room, and I didn't feel comfortable pressing any buttons on any hospital wall, for fear that they would, like, turn off someone's life support or something. So I made them get out of the wheelchair, because I had to take that back with me, and stumble around this dark room until they found a place to sit. And then I'd leave them there, in this small, dark, room, all alone. I would tell them that a nurse would be coming in shortly to check on them, but that probably wasn't true. For all I know, they single-handedly gave birth to their children in the dark with only a cheap plastic chair for company. Anyway, Sookie's room is nice and bright, and she settles into her big bed. She thought she saw Andy Dick in the hallway, but Jackson says that Sookie always thinks she sees famous people when she goes into labor. Sure, but on the other hand, I wouldn't put it past Andy Dick to be wandering around the labor ward of a random Connecticut hospital. Jackson and Lorelai help tuck Sookie in as Jackson rattles off a list of baby names. He likes Ethan, Rupert, Glenda, or Martha. He has very weird taste in baby names. Jackson takes off to call work, and Lorelai whips out an apple she bought at a vending machine. Oh, Lorelai; apples aren't supposed to come from vending machines! Sookie is surprised; apparently Lorelai never eats fresh fruit, and the apple resembles Ben Stiller. Lorelai thinks for a second, and then asks Sookie when she knew "for sure" she was pregnant. Sookie asks Lorelai if she remembers that episode earlier this season. Seeing as how the writers of this show can't bring themselves to remember the finer details of Emily and Lorelai's relationship from one episode to the , I hardly expect Lorelai to remember anything that happened almost eight months ago. Lorelai asks Sookie how long it was between the conception and when she knew she was pregnant. Sookie says it was probably a few weeks, and points out that Lorelai already has this experience under her belt, so what's with all the questions? Lorelai says that being in a maternity ward makes her think of being pregnant, of which she has no concept despite having given birth once and being in her mid- to late thirties. A nurse comes in to check how "far along" Sookie is, and somewhere outside New Haven, Rory screams in horror. Lorelai leaves to give Sookie some privacy.
In the hallway, Lorelai asks a random doctor about pregnancy tests. Specifically, how soon after the possible conception they can detect anything. Doctor Random says two weeks. Lorelai says that's a long time to worry, and asks if there is perhaps a "machine" she can use that will immediately tell her whether or not she's pregnant. Why is Lorelai so completely stupid sometimes? A Rube Goldbergian Pregnancy Detector Machine, would have been funny as hell, though. If you're pregnant, a rope lowers a boot onto a bike pedal, which then moves a chain attached to a match so that it ignites and burns through a thin rope that, once broken, releases a bowling ball and goes down a chute and hits a watering can that fills up a bowl so that a small boat floats to the top of the bowl, and the boat is the U.S.S. You're Pregnant. A small dog is also somehow involved. Doctor Random says that there is no such machine, and that Lorelai will just have to wait and take the stupid test. Lorelai says she's worried because she was craving an apple today, which she hasn't done since she was pregnant with her first child. Doctor Random's like, "You've had a kid before, and you're still this uninformed about the process? You need more help than I can give you, sister." As for the apple craving thing, if your pregnancy is so early that it can't be detected by a test, I would think it's too early to give you apple cravings as well.
Lorelai lets Doctor Random go as her mother calls her cell phone. Her ballerina has arrived, and it's a pretty young thing named Paola. Emily's thrilled with Paola and her adorable broken English. Paola found Lorelai's old Magic 8-Ball and hasn't put it down since. I hope for Paola's sake that she doesn't go on The Apprentice any time soon with that attitude. Emily asks Lorelai if Paola can keep the 8-Ball. Lorelai says that's fine. Paola cheers, because the Magic 8-Ball has predicted that she will be rich. Emily says she wants to "hug the stuffing" out of Paola, and that Lorelai will meet her tomorrow at the Friday Night Dinner. "Bye, and thanks again," says Emily. She sure is friendly these days.
Lorelai gets off the phone with Emily and calls Rory. Rory -- from her couch in the cafeteria -- answers and asks about Sookie, even though Rory still hasn't gotten over her disgust and horror at the miracle of birth. This gives Lorelai an opening for the Awkward Mother-Daughter Sex Conversation. She asks Rory if she's been doing "everything [Rory] needs to do in that area." "What area?" asks Rory the Clueless. "The VAGINA AREA," says Lorelai. Okay, she didn't say that. But, DUH, Rory. Lorelai asks if Rory has been taking all the proper precautionary sex measures. "I think I have it covered. And that wasn't meant to be a euphemism," Rory says. Heh. Lorelai asks Rory what kind of birth control she uses, which Rory doesn't really feel like answering, seeing as there are people all around her. She also claims to be in the "dining hall," which is odd, since no one is eating any food. Lorelai says that Rory shouldn't leave protection issues up to "the guy," because guys are not reliable. They're biologically programmed to impregnate as many women as possible. Lorelai compares the situation to eating too much pudding as Rory tries desperately to think of an excuse to end this awful phone conversation. "You've got to figure, if he shoots, he scores," says Lorelai; "I mean, look around you! There are babies popping out all over the place!" Rory points out that while there might be babies popping out all over Lorelai's current location -- a maternity ward -- over at the Yale "dining hall," that's not exactly the case. Rory assures Lorelai that she has done her motherly duty to catch Rory up on matters of safe sex, as have society in general, the Health Channel, and Miss Driscoll, "the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High." Lorelai says that Miss Driscoll would never need birth control. Poor Miss Driscoll! Her life sounds miserable. I wonder if the Stars Hollow High students take bets on which windbreaker suit she'll wear on a given day, like we did for our sad spinster gym teacher. Will it be the one with the sailing theme or the purple one with the large white and green stripes across the chest?
Rory asks Lorelai where her sudden over-interest in her daughter's safe sex life is coming from, and Lorelai slowly admits that she thinks she might be pregnant. "Oh," says Rory. Lorelai says that this could have been avoided if only Emily'd had the protection talk with her, or even Miss Driscoll, who spent every PTA meeting talking about golf instead of safe sex. I have to think that a safe sex talk from Emily would be more damaging than it would be helpful. And that the rest of the PTA preferred Miss Driscoll's golf chat to her safe sex lecture. Rory stupidly asks for the details, and Lorelai says that she and Luke got drunk at the party and then came home and had sex with "all roadblocks down." This is unusual for her, Lorelai says, as the last time she had "all roadblocks down" was when Rory was conceived. Surprisingly, Rory doesn't have the "MOM! EW! GROSS!" reaction that most daughters would have if their mother started discussing her sex life, but lends a sympathetic ear and says that just because Lorelai had unprotected sex doesn't automatically mean she's pregnant. It does if you're on 7th Heaven! Lorelai says she ate an apple today. And she liked it. Rory says that's not a good sign, but maybe Lorelai's body just wants her to have the government's recommended daily allowance of fruit and vegetables. And, Rory adds, if worse comes to worst, Lorelai is having a baby with Luke! Silence. "It is Luke?" asks Rory, as disturbing images of half-sibling that looks like Kirk or Taylor flash through her head. Lorelai says it's definitely Luke. But she doesn't want to be a mother again -- at least not now. This is the first time in her life when she's been able to be a "single, grown-up woman," and she wants to enjoy it. Interesting that Lorelai considers herself to be single. Rory says Lorelai may very well not be pregnant, but asks what Lorelai will do if she is. Lorelai doesn't have an answer for that.
Rory's back at the internship. She sets up for a meeting. Mitch walks in, one minute earlier than his usual ten-minutes-early meeting arrival time, and says that the room could use some plants. Rory eagerly says she will get some plants. Then her cell phone rings, which I would think is a pretty embarrassing thing to have happen in front of your boss, but Mitch doesn't seem to mind. He tells her to feel free to go out in the hallway and chat on the phone while they're waiting for the meeting to start.
It's Lorelai, and Sookie has finally given birth. I say "finally" because we know that the baby shower was on Thursday and that Rory's internship is every Monday. So poor Sookie was in labor for like four and a half DAYS. It's a girl, and the fact that her name will either be Glenda or Martha might explain her extreme reluctance to enter the world. Rory is very happy about it all, especially now that the giving-birth process that horrified her so much is done. She asks about Lorelai's possible pregnancy, and Lorelai reports that it was a "false alarm." Oh. Okay. I'm surprised that a possibly huge plot like that would be brushed aside only a few minutes after it was introduced, but whatever. Rory and Lorelai are both relieved, and Lorelai says she has gone back to her junk-food-eating ways. The apple craving much have been a fluke. Lorelai says that they can still have a baby shower for Sookie, although this will be more of a "welcome to the world, new baby" party. Rory says she still has those crappy decorations, and Lorelai tells her to bring them with her to dinner tonight. Ah, so, it's actually Friday, not Monday, and Sookie didn't spend her entire weekend in painful labor after all. Rory's got some crazy hours at that internship, though. She must have scored one of those sweet class schedules where she has both Mondays and Fridays off. But how did Lorelai find out so quickly she wasn't pregnant? Was there a machine after all? I guess she got her period, like, that night, but that would be a huge coincidence. I'm so confused. Lorelai says that she never told Luke about their possible bundle of accidental joy in the fifteen minutes she would have had to discuss it with him between thinking she was pregnant and realizing she wasn't. Rory says she's got to go to the meeting now, and Lorelai happily says she'll see her "one and only offspring" later tonight.
Sookie lies in bed. Jackson holds the prop baby and says they should decide on a name as soon as possible. He's not too stressed about it, since whatever name they don't use can just be given to the "one." Sookie says that they need to talk about that. And by "talk," she means that she is ordering Jackson to have a vasectomy. Once Jackson realizes she isn't kidding, he says that he wanted four children. Sookie says she wanted three children, so two is a nice compromise. As Jackson points out that two is not a compromise at all, a beefy man in scrubs enters the room to escort Jackson down to his vasectomy. Sookie placates Jackson by saying that she has a name for the baby: Martha Janiceloriethanrupertglendacarsondaisydanny Belleville. "Now go get cut," she orders. And with that, Jackson sighs and...just...goes. Like, he leaves to have a surprise surgical procedure done that his wife just decided that he would have without consulting him whatsoever and probably while she was under the influence of whatever drugs they give you during labor. There are so many things wrong with that that I don't know where to start.
Lorelai arrives for Friday Night Dinner and is introduced to Emily's ballerina slave. Instead of Paola, though, there's a hunky man standing there. His name is Mikhail, and Emily explains that, despite her seemingly endless love for Paola only yesterday, she ended up thinking there was something "wrong" with Paola, what with her silent footsteps (and at this point, the newest maid victim silently sneaks up on Lorelai, startling her. Nice touch), chain smoking, and improper use of the Magic 8-Ball. Apparently, Paola would ask it a question and then shake it until she got the answer she wanted. Emily says she tried to explain that you're supposed to accept the first answer the Magic 8-Ball gives you, but Paola kept doing it, and I really wish we had seen that scene. So now we have Mikhail. Emily and Lorelai agree that having eye candy around is not a bad thing. Where is Richard all this time? Maybe Emily sent him away for a surprise vasectomy.
The newspaper meeting is rife with tension! Some guy doesn't want to pay for freelancers, while a woman says that she can't see certain members of the newspaper staff covering Franz Ferdinand concerts. "Ha ha ha!" laughs the rest of the staff. Mitch says that they can't afford to take on new staff right now, and suggests, with a look back to Rory, that they can try recruiting "volunteers" from places like Yale to write some articles. Harry says he'd be happy to "pick up some slack." "After you pick up my dry cleaning," says the old guy. "Ha ha ha!" laughs the rest of the staff. Mitch tells Harry not to let old farts push him around, and looks back at Rory again. She smiles demurely. Another guy says they're having problems in the subscription department. Mitch suggests offering the telemarketing staff minimum wage and a 30% commission. The budget guy complains, but the meeting is adjourned.
The staff files out, leaving Mitch and Rory behind. He tells her that his work at the paper is almost done, so he won't be around very much after week. Now would be a good time for Rory's performance evaluation. "I'd love your feedback!" says Rory. It turns out that she won't, at all. Mitch starts that he's worked with a lot of young people over the years, and developed a "gut sense" about whether they'll be able to make it in journalism. Rory smiles, eagerly anticipating Mitch's high praise of her mad journalism skillz. She wonders if he will say that she is THE finest specimen of young reporter he has ever encountered, or just ONE of the best. "I have to tell you," says Mitch, "you don't got it." Ouch! Rory's face slowly falls. Mitch adds that he could be wrong, but probably not. Rory doesn't have the "drive" to "put [her]self out there." Like at the meeting -- Rory didn't say a word. "I wasn't sure if I should!" says Rory. "Exactly," says Mitch. He points out that Harry jumped right in, but that Rory didn't, even though she had quite a few opportunities to. Rory points out that she's just an intern, and didn't think it was her place to say anything. I can see that side of the argument, but there was that WIDE OPEN space for her to say something when Mitch suggested recruiting Yale students, and Mitch even turned and looked at her, and she just sat there. "I've always done what's asked of me," says Rory. Mitch says that that's not always good enough. Rory would make a great assistant, though. Ouch ouch. ["That's not such a bad assessment. I would love a great assistant. Especially one who worked for free, like Rory." -- Wing Chun] Mitch says he is sorry to tell Rory this, but he thinks honesty is "healthy." "I should get back," says Rory, picking up her stuff to leave. Mitch says he knows that what he said to Rory must have been tough to hear, but that he may have just done Rory a "big favor." "Oh. Okay. Thanks," says Rory, and walks out. You know, all she had to do was say something like, "Yes, because now I know what I have to do to be better," or just something like that that showed even tiniest little bit of spark or drive, but she didn't. She just took it and left. And that's why Mitch was exactly right about her.
We now join the meeting of the town elders, already in progress. I'm sad to report that the meeting takes place in a steam room, which means that we get to see Kirk, Taylor, and some other anonymous old men wearing nothing but towels, their bodies glistening with perspiration. Luke's there too, wearing his standard uniform of flannel and a baseball cap. Kirk's got some weirdness going on with his chest. It's impossible to describe, and not even remotely appealing, so I'll just leave it at that. Kirk explains his side of the argument: the house should be listed for sale for everyone to see, and the best possible bidder should get it. Luke's side is that he can't think with all this steam around. An elder says that Luke could take off some clothes to cool off. Luke refuses. Kirk says thatLuke probably has body issues. Kirk could use some body issues. Luke says that he should get the house because he and Taylor had an agreement. Kirk says that he's got deeper pockets, while Luke needs "therapy and probably pills." What the hell, Kirk? Why is he such an obstinate little child? I don't think he even wants the house so much as he wants to screw Luke over, which doesn't make any sense. From the corner of the bench, a man with a towel completely covering his bowed head says that Luke should get the house. Anonymous Elder says that Luke wants the house more, and that he's known both Luke's father and grandfather. He also knows that Luke wants the house for himself and Lorelai. Luke starts to get pissed at Taylor for spreading gossip around, but Anonymous Elder says that they've all watched Luke "pine for Lorelai for nine long years. He wanted her while she went through her many relationships. He won her." Luke smiles smugly. Now, says Anonymous Elder, Luke wants the house to raise their children in. Kirk says that he can raise children in the house, too. Yeah, like himself. Anonymous Elder says that Kirk will find another house. Luke should get this one. The other elders agree. Kirk whines. Luke thanks the Anonymous Elder. Kirk turns to Luke -- exposing a profile of his chest that seems to defy what we know about human anatomy with its bulging gut and sunken chest -- and offers to render gardening services for Luke's new house. Luke just walks out. Who the hell was that Anonymous Elder? I think it was Lane or Michel wearing a fat suit. It's not like they've had anything else to do in the last few weeks.
Mikhail tells the girls about his home village in Russia. Emily says it sounds wonderful. "People die very young there," says Mikhail. "Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so good," says Emily. She's great. Desperate to change the subject, she asks Lorelai what she's got in the bag she brought with her. "She's got Mystery Bag!" says Mikhail. Hee. Lorelai reluctantly says that the bag contains some advance copies of American Travel. Emily is thrilled, and asks to read them. Mikhail gets a copy as well, to help him learn English. I think he's got it down well enough, what with that Mystery Bag comment. You don't really need to say much more than that. After all, everyone loves a mystery! Emily opens the magazine and says that the pictures of the Inn are gorgeous and the article is a rave. As she starts to read more closely, Lorelai runs away.
Lorelai dashes off into the library, closing the door behind her. We hear Emily's shrieks of horror from outside. Lorelai locks the door. Emily runs to the door and tries to get in. Lorelai will not open it. Through the door, Emily calls Lorelai pathetic and can't believe she called her Pol Pot. Lorelai says she was trying to be edgy "like Chris Rock" by calling Emily walking anthrax and stuff. Emily hadn't gotten to that part yet. Boo, Lorelai! Emily was trying to remain spoiler-free, and you ruined it! Emily says she will not talk about this with Lorelai through the library door. Lorelai says she prefers it this way. She was mad at Emily when she said those things, didn't know about the whole on the record/off the record thing, and she's really sorry. Emily says she did not, under any circumstances, get into a "bitchfight" with Jimmy Carter over a hotel room: "It was that insufferable Rosalynn." Lorelai says that she's really sorry again, and that she won't come out of the library until Emily forgives her. Silence. Lorelai asks her mother to tell her if she is applying explosives to the door, so that Lorela can step away from the blast zone. Silence. Then, finally, Emily says she'll stop reading the article. Lorelai says they'll never talk about it ever again. Emily agrees. Lorelai unlocks and slowly opens the door. "Let's go back to the living room," says Emily, the magazine closed. At that point, an angry Mikhail makes for the front door, saying he has to leave. Emily runs after him.
Rory walks down a pier. I hope it's a short one, and a long walk. She finds the engagement party yacht and sees Richie chatting up a blonde. He notices Rory and says she's really early. He jumps off the boat and kisses her. He says he doesn't know how Rory got out of the dinner, but he's glad she did. Rory asks who the blonde was. Richie says she's a friend of his sister's, who is married and has a two-year-old. "Do you even want me here?" snaps Rory. Richie says he obviously does; after all, he invited her. She gives him some more attitude, and Richie pulls her away from the party and asks her what her deal is tonight. Rory says she's in a weird mood, and needs to be away from people for a while. Richie says he'll take her anywhere. Rory says she wants to go "out to sea." How about they take his yacht out for a spin? Richie says the yacht is currently engagement party central, so no. Rory quotes the beginning of Moby Dick, where Ishmael says that when he's in a bad mood and wants to punch everyone, he knows it's time to "take to the sea." That's how she feels, so she's going to take Melville's advice that was in reference to nineteenth-century whalers, who didn't end up well, but whatever. Rory points to a boat that looks "seaworthy" enough for her needs. Richie says it doesn't belong to them. "That's never stopped you before," says Rory. And this time, she grabs his arm. Off they run to danger and petty theft!
Back at the dinner, Lorelai is trying to explain her Emily-Is-Stalin magazine-article jokes to Mikhail. She never meant for them to actually be in the article, and she sure as hell didn't intend for someone whose entire family and village were destroyed by the man to read it. Emily says that Lorelai has an "off-putting" sense of humor. Lorelai agrees, and begs Mikhail to stay: "You've just caught us on a bad day." Actually, I'd say this was a pretty good day. An unusually, uncharacteristically good day. Last week, Emily couldn't be bothered to remember her daughter's drink of choice, but this week, she forgives her for saying really awful things about her in a national publication. Bizarre.
Just as Mikhail agrees to stay, Lorelai's cell phone rings. It's Rory, and she sounds sad. "You need to come and get me," she says. "Where are you?" asks Lorelai. We'll find out week!