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The oldest resident of Stars Hollow finally kicks it, and no one is particularly upset about it because I guess death is what old people deserve, plus a whole new world of opportunity opens to the Stars Hollowians when Old Man Tinkertoyorwhatever leaves his house to them, with the demand that it be turned into a Stars Hollow history museum for two months. Taylor immediately gets drunk with bizarre manifestations of power at the prospect, and commandeers a museum crew chock full o' crazy townies -- and, to everyone's surprise, Luke, who secretly wants to buy Old Man Tinkertoy's house when the museum closes so he can live in it with his girlfriend Lorelai "or whoever." Over at Yale, we learn that Rory and Logan and Paris and Doyle have apparently broken up over the long hiatus, and the girls return to Stars Hollow to accidentally drown their sorrows in Miss Patty's museum grand opening punch. Both the punch and the museum are big hits, and all are entertained by a ridiculously ornate diorama about the finer points of Stars Hollow history. Especially Sookie, who could probably use a few hobbies or something. And at some point during the diorama, Lorelai realizes that an upcoming magazine article about the Inn isn't worth it if it includes her quotes about Emily, and how she's like Hitler. We end with Pointless Dean stopping by to tell Luke that Lorelai will never be happy with him, a drunk and shoeless Paris begging for change, Lane and Zach closer than ever now that his love of the banjo is no longer a secret, and, in a short and sweet scene that most of us can probably relate to in some way, Rory lying in Lorelai's lap and crying about Logan. Old Man Tinkertoy remains dead. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I haven't really watched this show before, but I've done some catch-up recap-reading, and I grew up in a small town in Connecticut, so I figure I'll catch on pretty quick. But I would like to apologize ahead of time for the mistakes I'm bound to make. Pamie has bigger feet than me, so it's impossible for me to fill her shoes. I'm going to have to buy those foot-extenders or stuff tissues in the toes or maybe I should just stop with the metaphor and proceed with the recap.
We open outside a large, plantation-style house with a long line of people stretching out the door and onto the sidewalk. At first I thought maybe everyone was in line for tryouts for Stars Hollow Idol, but it turns out they're all there to visit Old Man Twickham, Stars Hollow's oldest living resident, who is in imminent danger of having the "living" part of the title dropped. I do hope Old Man T is aware and accepting of his impending death, because otherwise having the entire town walk through his bedroom to wish him a good afterlife might be a little unsettling. Anyway, Lorelai is quickly scolded by Taylor for her flippant attitude about the occasion as she chatters on to Sookie about the hazards of buying trail mix these days, but she exposits that this whole lining up to say goodbye to dying Old Man T thing happens all the time, and that its frequency tends to make the occasion less solemn. Taylor says that Lorelai might think that, but that everyone else im line has managed to be respectful. Kirk walks by, selling souvenirs. They include popcorn and a large foam hand. I want one. The foam hand, not the popcorn. Popcorn always gets stuck in my teeth.
Andrew exits the house, and Lorelai asks him how Old Man T is doing. Andrew says he's tired and distracted: "the whole time I was there, he was TiVoing through a fresh Summerland," Andrew says. Ha! While I love the effort to include a dig at the WB's ridiculous "fresh" campaign, I find it hard to believe that the oldest resident of the town knows how to work a TiVo when my grandparents are still trying to navigate their way through wonderful world of VCRs. Unless, of course, Stars Hollow is actually The City and Old Man T is on his way to the carousel.
These opening credits sure are orange.
Yale! Rory picks up the phone to hear from Lorelai that Old Man T actually died. He is now "the man formerly known Twickham." "Formerly"? Do you get new names in the afterlife? I hope so -- I want PANTHER for my new name. I think it's dangerous, but in a sexy and alluring way. And sleek. I need to be sleeker. Anyway, Rory can't believe it -- Old Man T has been dying for her whole life. Now that he's actually gone and died, it's like part of her childhood has as well. That's sort of how I felt when the Pope died. Lorelai says that she and Sookie ended up getting to see Twickham right before he died with thoughts of Lori Loughlin dancing through his old head. But was it the Full House Lori Loughlin or the Summerland Lori Loughlin? And shouldn't Old Man T, like the rest of the country, be going crazy for that adorable Jesse McCartney? Rory says that Kirk's souvenirs are "tacky," and Lorelai agrees as she glances at her "Goodbye Twickham 2005" balloon. She should have bought a foam hand. Balloons deflate; foam hands last forever, or at least until you accidentally rip the protruding finger off.
Rory tells her mom she'll try to make it home weekend, hangs up, and walks out to the living-room area of her ridiculously well-furnished and gigantic dorm suite, where Paris is slumped in an easy chair listening to loud Sousa-esque music. "I just wanted to inform you that you're pathetic," Rory shouts over the noise. Wow, Rory is nice. Paris tells Rory that if she's pathetic, then Rory is even more so, because Rory is still in denial. About what, exactly? Well, it turns out that at some point during the hiatus between new episodes, Logan and Doyle lost interest in Rory and Paris, respectively. A major plot point that occurs off-camera? Am I actually watching 7th Heaven? I thought this show was supposed to be good.
Zack (as portrayed by Pamie's friend Todd Lowe, but who is not my friend Todd Lowe, and who shall thus be known as his original character name henceforth) and Lane stop by Sophie's Music, where the Carole King cameo tells Zack to invest in hand cream. Lane steps up to Sophie and babbles on and on about not owning too many records until Sophie tells her to get to the point. I'm not a big fan of Carole King's "acting," but I would be more than willing to have her on the show more if it means that she'll stop up some of these characters' diarrhea mouths. Lane's point is that, among all her mother's Christian albums, she managed to find one record of secular songs, and it was written by Sophie! Is it called Tapestry, by any chance? Sophie verifies that the record is hers, but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Lane, on the other hand, thinks it is a very big deal, and suddenly wants to be a songwriter herself, and wonders if maybe she could buy Sophie a coffee sometime and get some songwriting advice? The less-than-flattered Sophie replies that if she ever has a few seconds without anything better to do, she'll consider having coffee with Lane. "It's a date!" says Lane.
Lorelai enters the diner, where Luke welcomes her as the "woman of the hour" and Lorelai tries not to snap back at him that she is the woman of the year at the very least. The "couple" share a weak hug that Lorelai initially tries to pull away from. Luke's uncharacteristic excitement comes from the fact that some travel magazine wants to do a cover story about the Dragonfly Inn. Luke has taken the liberty of looking up a bunch of the magazine's back issues and has some opinions about which of its staff should interview Lorelai. Frederick Fairmount, for example, talks more about himself than the person he's supposed to interviewing. Which, when combined with an interviewee who will talk more about herself than the Inn, would mean that approximately three words of the article will be devoted to the Inn. But it's a moot point, since Lorelai's pretty sure you don't get to chose your interviewer. ["That observation marks the beginning and end of Lorelai's comprehension about how journalism works." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai changes the subject to a new newspaper-covered hole in the diner window, which Luke blames on Taylor without going into specifics about it. Then he realizes that they're late for the town meeting, which he's suddenly eager to attend, despite never having expressed interest in a town meeting before.
The first order of business at this town meeting is that Kirk still doesn't have a place to live. Apparently, this is the entire town's problem, but there is no solution as Kirk rejects everyone's offers of places to stay for one reason or another. There is no resolution, and Taylor moves onto the second order of business: Old Man Twickham left the town his home in his will. Kirk asks whether Twickham's death bed is still available. At Luke's prompting, Taylor adds that the house and some of Twickham's stuff are to be made into a museum for two months. After that, the house will be "disposed of" at the discretion of the head of the historical society, who just happens to be Taylor. Luke makes a disappointed sound, and Taylor snaps at him. Luke apologizes, and Taylor says he would have liked to hear that apology earlier in the day when Luke tried to kill him. "What?!" says Lorelai, who is the only person with an appropriate reaction. Everyone else is just sitting there, like allegations of attempted murder are common in Stars Hollow. ["Since you don't watch the show, let me school you: when Taylor is involved, allegations of attempted murder are common in Stars Hollow." -- Wing Chun]
Taylor ignores Luke and asks for some strong, able-bodied volunteers for the museum project. Several people raise their hands, although a strong, able-bodied man in the front row does not. What's his problem? Give a little to your town, man. Seeing Luke among the ranks of volunteers, Taylor pissily asks him not to mock them with his fake volunteering, but Luke protests that he actually is volunteering, much to Lorelai's surprise. Taylor sheds some light on those attempted-murder allegations, saying that Luke threw a frying pan at Taylor for playing his Muzak too loud. "Who doesn't love Muzak?" Taylor asks, setting himself right up for Sookie's response of "music lovers." Luke says that the pan slipped out of his hand by accident. Taylor says that accident just happened to occur right after Luke said "you better duck, Taylor, because I'm going to throw this frying pan at your head." That is pretty incriminating for Luke. Lorelai's just mad that she missed Taylor's getting things thrown at him, telling Luke she hates him. Lauren Graham said that much more convincingly than she performed that earlier hug. Meanwhile, I hope Stars Hollow isn't so small that it doesn't have an anger-management group Luke can join. I mean, I don't like Muzak either, but I wouldn't try to decapitate someone with good cooking equipment over it.
Taylor moves on to other town matters, as he is apparently running this meeting even though, last I checked, Jackson was the town selectman. I guess he stepped down after all? Lorelai asks Luke why he's volunteering for the museum; Luke says that Old Man T was "like a dad" to him, and he didn't get a chance to see him before he died. Great job being like a son, there, Luke. I hope he at least bought a foam finger. Luke says he feels guilty and wants to "do right" by Old Man T by working on the museum. Lorelai totally buys this. Meanwhile, Taylor tells Kirk that if he builds an igloo to live in and the snowplow runs over it, they will not leave Kirk's corpse in the snow. Good to know.
Taylor is surprised to see Luke at the first day of museum-building, but lets him inside for the meeting. Kyle, who is apparently missing a hand, quips that he's "lending a hand" for the project. "Ha, ha, good one," Luke says, "but it was funnier on Arrested Development." Taylor starts the meeting with some "fun t-shirts" for everyone that he had made up at what I'm assuming is the same place that made Kirk's souvenirs, judging by the identical font. Everyone gets an orange shirt that says "Stars Hollow Museum Crewmember" except Taylor, whose shirt is bright red and has a "foreman" label, because he's Taylor. He makes everyone in the circle hold hands and close their eyes and envision some freckle-faced boy enjoying the museum they are about to build. Luke gets stuck holding hands with Taylor and Kyle's hook, and Kirk tells on Luke for having his eyes open, at which Luke fires back that that means that Kirk is peeking, too. It also means that Kirk is mentally five years old. Taylor calls an end to the visualizing and tells everyone to move boxes -- except for Luke, whose hand Taylor does not release despite Luke's increasingly insistent requests that he do so. Taylor says he won't let go until Luke tells him what's going on; he hated Old Man T. Luke says that Lorelai asked him to do this and get involved in community things, and Luke wanted to oblige her and make their relationship stronger after the "rough patch" they went through. This, of course, is a lie, except for the part about the rough patch. Hmmm...I wonder what Luke is up to? Anyway, Taylor eats the lie up, just like Lorelai did, and asks Luke to be his "right-hand man." Luke asks for his right hand back first.
Lorelai's getting interviewed. Sandra the reporter asks Lorelai which room in the Inn is her favorite, and Lorelai says it's a tie between the library and the kitchen. Sandra agrees that both rooms look great, and asks Lorelai who her designer was. Lorelai answers that they went through several, so really, the credit goes to Lorelai herself. And, to a lesser extent, Sookie. And the town, which was supportive. Sandra says that she does feel a sense of warmth and hominess here, and then, out of nowhere, says this must reflect Lorelai's upbringing. Lorelai snickers at this. "Childhood wasn't so warm and fuzzy?" asks Sandra, happy to get a real story out of this boring-ass inn. Lorelai ["and at this point, I yelled, '"OFF THE RECORD"' at the TV, but Lorelai did not hear me" -- Wing Chun] says that it was not, and that her mother is worse than Mussolini and Stalin. Sandra laughs and thinks about the fabulous launching point this will be for her journalism career as Lorelai gets hit with a Rational Thinking Lightning Bolt and says she won't talk about her mother anymore. But the effect wears off, and Lorelai is soon telling a story about the time Jimmy Carter got a bigger hotel room than her mother. Sandra takes copious notes.
Taylor's performing his supervisory duties, and scolding Luke for not giving a confirming "check" to answer Taylor's "check?" Luke says it should be enough that he is writing the check marks down, but it isn't to Taylor. Kirk and Kyle walk in with a mannequin, all giggly that the mannequin has a butt or whatever, like, why do they look thirty when they're actually ten?
Taylor walks over to Gypsy, who is in charge of cataloguing Old Man T's stuff. She says she found a letter from George Washington, in mint condition. Luke runs over and grabs it away from Gypsy, because he's kind of rude, and says that this letter is dated 1944 and mentions Jack Benny, so it's not very authentic. And if it's supposed to be a fake, it's a pretty poorly-researched one. Taylor says they can put the letter in the "to be displayed" pile and get it authenticated later. Luke says it should go in the "maybe" pile, and that there has to be better stuff than this to display. Taylor says Luke is right to reach for excellence, and tells Luke and Gypsy to "liaise" about catalogued items and leaves. Taylor is totally the guy who says "liaise." Luke starts the liaising, only to be interrupted by Kirk, coming in the house with another mannequin, who says that Taylor wants to see him in his office.
Luke enters Taylor's office, which is housed in a portable trailer. I hope that museum makes some serious revenue to cover Taylor's ridiculous expenditures. Taylor asks Luke to sit down, and says that, in the future, Luke should not disagree with Taylor in front of the crew. "I was humiliated," Taylor says of WashingtonBennygate. Luke tries to protest, and then gives up and says he will agree with Taylor about everything from now on. Whatever Luke is up to, it must be really important for him to put up with this. Taylor sends Luke out to liaise with the carpenter.
Luke goes outside, where Kirk and Kyle are making mannequin torsos fight each other. Ten years old. Kirk points Luke in the direction of the carpenter and...it's Dean.
Paris has moved on to watching beach party movies during her pity party. Rory walks through with her weekend bag packed, and Paris says it's sad that everyone in this beach party movie is dead by now. Rory points out that the movie was made in the '60s, so not everyone is dead. Paris says that if they're not dead, they're old, and probably have osteoporosis and can't dance without breaking their bones, and that is also sad. I'm sure there's a joke about Annette Funicello somewhere here, but I'm not going to make it. Paris notices that Rory is on her way home for the weekend, and asks if she's finally realized that things with Logan haven't been going well after all. Rory quickly exposits that after a "good two weeks," Logan stopped calling her. But she's going to go home instead of wallow in it like Paris. Paris says she doesn't want to wallow; she wants to leave for the weekend, too.
Lane reminds Zack about their plans to go shopping at Grandy's. Zack says he can't go tonight because he's going to see some old friends. "Who?" Lane asks reasonably. Zack angrily tells her to lay off with the questions and go shopping without him. Passive Lane says she will. Zack asks her to buy a dish detergent that is gentle on his hands.
Rory arrives home and apologizes for the "surprise visit." Lorelai says this is not a surprise compared to what's in the living room. It's Paris, who has nowhere else to go because, suddenly, the IRS took over all of her parents' properties and her parents are somewhere out of the country, looking for a place to live that has no extradition agreement with the United States. So Paris will be staying with the Gilmores, although not on the couch, since that's "spoken for." Down the stairs comes Kirk in his pajamas and bathrobe. He was supposed to stay with someone else, but they had goldfish, and Kirk is afraid of goldfish. "They're always staring at you, all gold and unblinking," he explains. I always thought goldfish were more orange than gold, but maybe Kirk sees colors differently than the rest of us do. I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. Paris says she's happy to sleep on the floor. Lorelai asks to speak to Rory away from the houseguests. As they walk away, we hear Kirk ask Paris how she feels about goldfish.
Unfortunately, we don't get to hear Paris's response, which was probably much more interesting than Lorelai and Rory talking about why Rory came over. "There's nothing else to do," Rory says. Lorelai calls her out on the tactlessness, then asks Rory if she doesn't have parties or dates over at Yale. Lorelai is so sad that her daughter has no life. Rory asks if Lorelai has plans with Luke or something, and Lorelai says that Luke is down in Mystic, picking up a cannonball from Old Man T's sister for the museum. If Old Man T was the oldest resident of Stars Hollow, then how old is this sister?
Rory asks Lorelai about her interview; Lorelai says it seemed to go really well and that she got along great with Sandra, who loved her Emily stories. Rory's all, "You told a magazine reporter stuff about your mom?" Lorelai says that Sandra asked. And, apparently, Sandra is actually Wonder Woman and had her Lasso of Truth around Lorelai, forcing her to respond with the unfiltered truth about how her mother is a female Pol Pot. "That's so harsh!" says Rory. "Harsh, but true," says Lorelai. So Emily is responsible for GENOCIDE?! Holy crap, I don't know why I wasn't watching this show earlier!
Kirk interrupts the girls, walking in with his hand over his eyes and asking for a glass of water. Lorelai asks Kirk why he is covering his eyes. "In case you're naked," he says. "I walk into my daughter's room and get naked?" Lorelai asks. "I don't know your domestic routine," says Kirk. But apparently, he has made some disturbing assumptions about it. Lorelai sends him off to the kitchen, and Rory talks about the inn article again. Lorelai tells Rory to relax; it's not like any of the Emily stuff is getting printed. Rory hopefully asks if this is because their conversation was all off the record. Lorelai says it wasn't, but that the Emily talk doesn't have anything to do with the Inn. Stupid, Lorelai. Very stupid. ["Seriously. She, like Luke, is five years old." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says that if Rory is that worried about it, then Lorelai will just call Sandra and say that all the Emily stuff was off the record. Rory says it doesn't work like that; you have to call it beforehand. And no take-backs! It's all very grade school, but it's true, as my family discovered when I got suspended from high school and some of my teachers were suing me (long story) and a reporter called our house asking if I had a comment. I didn't, but my mother had a few, got them out, and then said they were all off the record. The reporter answered that they actually weren't, because she didn't call it first. Whoops! But it ended well, since the lawsuit was dropped and I now make money doing the very thing I almost got kicked out of school and sued for. My last laugh looks like this: HA! HA! HA! Anyway, Lorelai doesn't think it will matter what gets printed because Emily isn't going to read American Travel. Not a good way of thinking, there, Lorelai. As I learned, you might think your dinky little PageBuilder-constructed private website will only be read by select friends, but things have a funny way of getting back to the wrong people. Rory says that she told Emily about the article, so Emily will be reading it. Lorelai says that's fine; her mother can read it, and it's all true, and Lorelai is sick and tired of worrying about other people's feelings. How can you get tired of something you've never actually done before? And then Lorelai has to go tend to Kirk, who is off-screen bumping into things because he refuses to take his hand off his eyes, even though there's no reason for him to have his hand over his eyes anymore when he knows that no one in the house is naked.
Luke drives back from Msytic, the cannonball rolling around nosily in the bed of the truck and Taylor bitching at Luke nosily from the passenger seat. Taylor tells Luke he should have some type of rope and netting to tie the cannonball down. Luke says he took his cannonball-securing tools out of the truck yesterday. That's like having ten thousand spoons when all you need if a knife. It's a free ride when you're already there. It's the good advice that you just can't take. And who would have thought? It figures. Also, why couldn't they just put the cannonball on the floor of the passenger seat? Taylor doesn't think he and Luke can carry the heavy ball into the museum themselves, so he asks a nearby Dean for assistance. Dean helps Luke to carry the prop cannonball, which is more the size of a bowling ball than a cannonball, but maybe it went in one of those huge-mouth cannons that they use to shoot people out of at the circus. Also, Dean is still sulky.
Lane's arms are full of cleaning supplies. Too full, as it turns out, as she drops them all. Picking them up, she notices Zack and Sophie in front of Sophie's Music. And Sophie is actually smiling at Zack. Lane is pissed. Seeing post-menopausal woman with my boyfriend wouldn't exactly fan the flames of jealousy in me, but I'm also not on a TV show that sets up bizarre and forced situations in order to squeeze out a few drops of humor.
Lorelai calls everyone down for a breakfast of "Toasty Oats" cereal. Mmm. Paris enters, wearing a dress identical to the one I saw a chimneysweep wearing when I went to 1880s London in my time machine. She tells Lorelai that Rory is on the phone. Rory walks in, denying that she was on the phone. Because she is NOT UPSET about Logan! She is ABOVE THAT, people! When asked, Paris says she didn't sleep well because Kirk deals blackjack in his sleep. Wow, they made Paris sleep on the living-room floor? Rory couldn't even be arsed to share her bed? I mean, I know Paris arrived all last-minute and everything, but damn. Sure, Rory's bed is pretty small, but she's also the width of a toothpick, so I think they could've worked it out. ["Seems to me that someone could have slept at THE INN LORELAI OWNS." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai yells at Kirk to stop watching cartoons and come to breakfast, and he wanders in. Lorelai leaves the kitchen to turn off the TV Kirk left on, giving Rory and Paris a chance to fight over whether or not Rory was trying to call Logan just now. Kirk tries to get in on the conversation, but neither girl wants to discuss these matter with him, so he goes "fine!" and starts stacking the cereal boxes into a wall away from Rory and Paris. Which is funny, but again...Kirk's got some mental maturity issues to work out. Lorelai returns to the room and tells Kirk that no cereal-box forts are allowed in the kitchen, then tells Rory and Paris that today is the grand opening of the Stars Hollow Museum! Wow, they built that in like, three minutes! Okay, it's more like two weeks, although that's still impressive, especially considering the diorama they set up (spoiler!). Everyone wants to go to the museum, and Lorelai tells them to get their jackets. This sets up a standoff between Lorelai and Kirk over whether or not Kirk will wear a jacket, which Kirk loses when Lorelai says he can't go to the museum unless he wears a jacket. Kirk sulks off to get it, but Lorelai tells him to eat his breakfast first. Then we hear the cartoons come back on in the other room, and Lorelai walks off to yell at Kirk. That was ridiculous, and not in a good way.
Lorelai, Rory, and Paris greet a large woman at the museum. For a while there, I thought they were calling her "Fatty," and that Lorelai, Paris, and Rory were really mean, but it turns out that this character is Miss Patty. Miss Patty says admission to the museum is three dollars, and includes a glass of punch. Lorelai begs off the punch, saying she'll think about having some after eating a loaf of bread and a package of Saltines, so alcoholic is Miss Patty's punch. Lorelai goes inside, leaving Rory and Paris waiting for Lane. Paris gives Rory her phone so she won't be tempted to call Doyle. Lane soon shows up, looking angry. "I don't want to talk about it," she says. "Well, we're a fun group," says Rory. Hey, it's always a party when Rory's around. Paris grabs a cup of the punch. Rory and Lane follow suit. If Miss Patty's punch is really that strong, shouldn't it be, like, more closely guarded so that underage kids such as Rory, Paris, and Lane don't drink it?
Luke gives Lorelai and Sookie a guided tour of the museum, which includes letters to and from people who are distantly related to famous people, a forty-eight-star flag, and that troublesome cannonball, which went from being a hundred pounds a few scenes ago to being so heavy that it went through the floor and down into the basement. ["Seems like Luke wouldn't want to buy a house built with such shoddy workmanship (spoiler!)." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai and Sookie are given flashlights to shine down through the giant hole it left. Sookie loves it. Taylor's voice comes over the PA, saying that the audio/visual display will begin in five minutes.
Outside, Lane, Paris, and Rory are sitting around a table, their punch cups empty. Rory and Paris both have second cups, and I hope they paid for another admission, because otherwise, that's stealing. Lane, her tongue now loosened, tells Rory and Paris how Zack lied to her, and Rory and Paris can't believe it. Everyone slurs their words, so trashed are they after just one cup of Miss Patty's punch. Miss Patty's punch has two ingredients: grain alcohol, and red food coloring. Anyway, Lane thinks that Zack is cheating on her with Sophie, which at first I thought was totally ridiculous, but then, Zack and Sophie were about as affectionate with each other as Lorelai and Luke seem to be, so maybe it isn't. Lane stands up and announces that she is sick of this, and storms off to yell at Zack. "She walks funny," says Paris. "I'm thirsty," says Rory, who, unlike Paris, is not paying any attention to Lane whatsoever.
Paris announces her intention to use the bathroom. Rory accuses her of trying to sneak off to a pay phone to call Doyle. Paris gives Rory her shoes to prove that she's just going to the bathroom. I don't quite understand that logic, especially since anytime I use a public bathroom, I like to make sure I've got layers of protection between me and the nasty, nasty floor. I'd put little plastic baggies over my shoes to protect them if it wouldn't make me look like a weirdo of Kirk proportions. Paris immediately finds a pay phone as she walks barefoot along the bustling downtown Stars Hollow. Shouldn't all these people be at the history museum? Where is your sense of history, Stars Hollow? Where is your sense of getting a free alcoholic drink with admission? That's a great deal! Paris asks passing people for change, which no one is willing to give to her. Someone on the forums said that Stars Hollow was such a friendly place that you'd expect people to start fighting over who gets to give Paris the change, but I'm guessing a place like this doesn't have people begging for change on its streets, like, ever, and so no one really knows what to do when faced with something they've only seen on gritty New York City cop shows.
Sookie, Lorelai, and Luke enter the "Stars Hollow Dioramic History Room Presentation." Taylor's voice asks them not to talk, smoke, or display "lewd behavior" during the presentation, which pretty much invites Lorelai to pinch Luke's butt. He's totally annoyed by it, too. Dig that chemistry. Anyway, the diorama is pretty standard, if you've ever been to a history museum or ridden on my favorite Disney World ride, the Carousel of Progress. In ninth grade, I was in an extracurricular club that got to go to Disney World, and I got all my classmates to skip Space Mountain in favor of the Carousel of Progress, which I promised was much better. In fact, I do believe I referred to it as a "hidden gem." And since I was the only person on that trip who had been to Disney World before (no, seriously), everyone took my word for it and went, even though the line for Space Mountain was two hours long and the line for the Carousel of Progress was non-existent. Plus, it was called "the Carousel of Progress." I couldn't believe I pulled it off. My classmates didn't forgive me for years.
Anyway, Stars Hollow's Carousel of Progress begins at the very beginning: the "dawn of civilization," depending on whether or not you believe in creationism or crappy old evolution, which Taylor does not, because Taylor is suddenly a fundamentalist born-again, not like there's any other type of born-again. Luke snaps at Lorelai for pinching his butt again, and the diorama moves onto the "Jebediah family," the "very first" people to live in Stars Hollow besides those pesky Indians. A little display lights up, and we see the mannequin representations of the Jebediah family -- father, mother, daughter, and son, who was "born without speech." Taylor wonders what their first conversation in Stars Hollow was like, but he doesn't have to wonder long because it is now re-enacted for all. Ezekiel's all excited about the place, but his depressed-sounding wife, known only as "Mother," simply says "it smells like home, Ezekiel" to everything he says. I guess it's hard to be excited about life when you don't really have a name. Ezekiel wonders what the "young'uns" think of their new digs. Annoying Daughter -- who hilariously sports an adult mannequin head on her child body -- says she loves this new place because she can run in the woods and be home-schooled. Dork. Son says nothing, because he was born without speech, and this was before sign language was invented, not like you make a mannequin's hand move anyway. The Carousel of Progress, by the way, has animatronic figures. You haven't lived until you've seen Grandma enjoying her virtual-reality headset. "My divining rod is twitching!" announces Ezekiel. Hee. And I guess we can blame Ezekiel's divining rod for discovering the Stars Hollow water supply that is responsible for these insane townies. Mother sends the kids inside for dinner. Dork Daughter says she's hungry. Son says: "..." You'd think that would have gotten old by now, but it didn't. More Mute Son, less everything else, I say! Ezekiel wonders what he should call their new home. "Those stars -- so bright. This forest -- hollow." The lights go down on the Jebediah family, and Lorelai's all, "No, really? They're gonna leave us on a cliffhanger?" I liked that scene.
I kind of wish Taylor didn't have such a keen sense of dramatic suspense, because now we have to see Lane confront Sophie about stealin' her man. Seriously, I think I've seen this scene about 7,000 times over on 7th Heaven with Lucy and her convoluted confrontations with every woman who so much as looks at her husband, so I don't want to go into great detail here. Basically, Zack isn't cheating on Lane; he goes to Sophie's Music to play banjo in a bluegrass band with some random people. He didn't want to tell Lane about it because the banjo isn't rock and roll, like she'd really care. And she doesn't. Everything is fine again.
Paris continues to beg for change in an increasingly belligerent manner. I just don't understand why no one is giving money to the shoeless girl who makes obscene gestures at and threatens the livelihoods of passersby.
Rory's still sitting around, now with several empty cups of punch in front of her. She presses a speed-dial button on her cell phone to reach Logan's answering machine. Logan's outgoing message is really obnoxious, all about his plans for the evening, which involve club-hopping with eleven people in a Hummer. The plans do not include Rory. She doesn't leave a message.
Back at the Diorama, sanitation during wartime is the topic, as local Stars Hollow manufacturer, Buff-Rite, provided urinal cakes to WWII soldiers. I guess I missed the part of Saving Private Ryan when Tom Hanks and his boys took a short break at the Front Lines Rest Stop Facilities. Lorelai's cell phone rings, and she takes off. Luke says he's seen enough of the diorama he previously seemed really excited about, and tells Lorelai he'll meet her outside. Sookie tells Luke's retreating form that she loves the diorama. "Remember the '60s?" asks Taylor's voice-over. Mannequins appear dressed in the stereotypical '60s hippie Halloween costume you know you wore.
Over by the early man display, Lorelai answers her still-ringing phone. Take it outside, Lorelai. People are trying to enjoy the diorama, and aside from what you might believe, they'd rather see that than listen to your cell phone ringtone and subsequent conversation. And I'm one of them! The diorama is the highlight of the episode! Take me back to it! But no: Sandra is on the phone, and she tells Lorelai that her article has gone over really well with everyone at the magazine -- especially the stuff about Emily, which was the "best part." Well, of course. Lorelai asks if the best part could possibly be removed from the article, "for a friend." "We're not friends," says Sandra, which is something Lorelai should have considered when she sat around gossiping with a complete stranger about her mother. ["'Off the record.' Four syllables, people." -- Wing Chun] Sandra says that their only option is to take the article out entirely, which means no cover story about the Dragonfly. ["That would not happen. Lorelai had already co-operated with the magazine on the story, and if it's already been edited, the magazine has either gone to print or is just about to, and they couldn't just drop a feature-length article; they'd be short pages. In short: ridiculous." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai hangs up and walks back to Sookie and the diorama, which is now detailing modern life in Stars Hollow. And by "modern life," Taylor seems to mean "the '50s," and by "in Stars Hollow," Taylor seems to actually mean "somewhere deep, deep in the Bible Belt." Mother serves breakfast for her perfect nuclear family. "I love Jesus," the daughter randomly says.
Taylor runs outside, beaming with pride over the success of the museum. He tells the nearby Luke that he's thinking of making the museum a permanent thing. "What?" Luke says, not sounding so happy. But Taylor goes on and on about how they can keep the place open even if it doesn't make money because it will steadily gain publicity, and then Luke interrupts him to say that the museum is a "piece of crap." Old Man T's stuff has no historical meaning and the diorama is "a joke." It's a very funny joke, though. Taylor asks Luke what this sudden bad attitude is about, and Luke says he wants the house for himself. That's the real reason why he volunteered. "They don't build 'em like this anymore," Luke says, and after seeing what happened to the floor after its encounter with a hundred-pound bowling ball, I'd say this is for the best. ["Hee. Jinx!" -- Wing Chun] Taylor says he knew all along that Luke got involved for purely selfish reasons. Luke says the property is going to a be money-loser for the historical society, and that he'll give Taylor the best price for it. Taylor asks if Luke is planning on starting a family in the house with Lorelai. "Me and...whoever, yeah," Luke says. That doesn't sound too promising, but I'll give Luke the benefit of the doubt here and say he's one of those people who doesn't like to discuss personal matters with people he kind of hates. ["At least someone in their relationship understands the concept of discretion." -- Wing Chun] Taylor says he'll think about it.
Lorelai and Sookie rave about the awesome diorama. I kind of wish this episode had been structured a little differently so that the diorama came at the end and was like a culmination of the entire episode. Especially since, for me, it's the only payoff this episode has. Oh well. Lorelai tells Sookie she's going to make a quick call, and then they can go see the diorama again. "Once is not enough!" gushes Sookie, running off. Sometimes, though, once is enough. Like, the first time I saw this episode, I thought it was kind of weird, but had good bits in it. After repeated viewings, I've become less thrilled with it. Lorelai's quick call is to Sandra, and she tells her to pull the articles entirely. ["Not shown: Sandra telling Lorelai there's no effing way." -- Wing Chun] "Yeah, I'm sure," says Lorelai, hanging up and ending that D-story that only seemed to be included here to give Lorelai something to do.
Luke rushes up, all smiles, and asks Lorelai what she thought of the awesome museum that he just told Taylor was a piece of crap. Lorelai says she has to see it again with Rory, then stares at the house and says she never looked at it before, but that it's a really nice place, especially with those huge un-New England pillars in the front. Rory walks up to ruin the moment. She is rapidly approaching the barfy stage of drunkenness, and Lorelai walks her home.
Luke walks off to the back yard, where he finds Dean, still sulky. Luke asks Dean what his problem is; is he still mad about Pippi night? Luke tells Dean to feel free to punch him in the face if that will make him feel better. "Go back to your girlfriend," Dean snarls, adding a quiet "while you've got one." Luke asks what that's supposed to mean. Dean says it means that he and Luke have been in the same situation -- dating a Gilmore who wants "more than this. And all you are is 'this.'" Luke tells Dean to accept the fact that Rory grew up and moved on. Dean says Luke should accept the fact that Stars Hollow is all Luke is, and eventually Lorelai is going to get bored with it and leave him. "It's different," Luke says. "You and me. Same thing," says Dean, and he walks off, leaving Luke glowering with his arms folded. Nice bitter rant there, Dean, except that you and Luke are different, starting with the fact that Luke hides his hair under a baseball cap, something you might want to consider with that weird pointy wings hairstyle you're currently sporting.
Back at the Gilmore house, Rory is lying on her mother's lap on the bathroom floor. I shudder because, as I said before, I find bathroom floors disgusting. But I guess Rory is too drunk and wallowing in boy-rejection self-pity to care. She cries to her mom that she doesn't understand why Logan doesn't like her anymore. Lorelai strokes her hair. Rory sobs. We've all been there.