Lorelai carries a bag full of strummy-strummy-la-la over her shoulder and "almost" "runs into" Miss Patty. "Whoa, honey!" Miss Patty shouts, and it's like the dinner theatre show has begun. Lorelai apologizes: "I didn't see you there." Moving on from the obvious joke...Miss Patty somehow knows that inside Lorelai's bag are several pairs of shoes. Lorelai says it's a sickness: "Everyone thinks it started with Bradshaw, but actually it came over with the Mayflower." Miss Patty thanks Lorelai for the history lesson. Shoes are tossed between the women, and we hear angry Italian from inside the shop. Miss Patty explains that Pasquale is feeling unappreciated again, even though they just had "Stars Hollow Loves Pasquale Day" last week. "It didn't stick," says Miss Patty. She then invites Lorelai to her anniversary party. Lorelai asks which husband the party is for. Miss Patty explains that it's her anniversary with "the business we call show." Forty years of Miss Patty trying to convince us all that people pay money to see her stand on a stage. She's throwing a boozy, song-and-dance party at her studio to celebrate the forty years since that one day she did her off-off-off-Broadway (Cleveland) show. Lorelai says she'll even drag Luke there so she'd appreciate it if Miss Patty would pick on him publicly. Miss Patty tells Lorelai that Luke won't be coming. Lorelai promises that she has effective methods of persuasion, involving extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products. Miss Patty says that the party is on Tuesday, the 30th, which is Luke's Dark Day. But it's weird because the episode is airing on Tuesday the 30th, and I can't help thinking they are now intentionally messing with our heads. And if the party is right now when we're watching the show, then who's watching us?! Miss Patty tells Lorelai that Luke has a yearly "Dark Day," where he disappears and nobody knows where he goes. "Why didn't I know about this?" Lorelai asks. Because you're self-centered. Because you never asked. Because you have lived in this town for almost twenty years but somehow seem to know to nothing about its history. Miss Patty unsympathetically tells Lorelai that everybody else knows about Luke's Dark Day. Lorelai heads into the shoe store, flirting up a storm with Pasquale, prompting Miss Patty to note, "Oh, she's good." You should see what Lorelai does to get free coffee.
I don't know who ordered the blanket that covers the couch in Paris and Rory's common room, but it is hideous. It looks like I knitted it. Terrence, Paris's life coach, is back, and is encouraging her to start dating again, even though the love of her life just passed away and she's a double major (Poly Sci. and Bio Chem., for those of you creating the ultimate trivia game) and all boys are stupid. Terrence calls Paris "timid," and suggests that she's not putting herself "out there." Just as Paris says the words "Asher was very important to me," Rory -- currently orbiting her own planet -- interrupts Paris's three-hundred-an-hour coaching session to ask if anyone has seen her notebook. I'm sorry, Rory, is Paris getting coached in how to succeed in your life? Terrence ignores Rory and tells Paris again that she's not putting herself out there. Paris says, "He just died." Terrence flippantly suggests that Brimful-of-Asher was halfway dead when Paris met him. Terrence asks Rory whether Paris has tried to meet men. Paris says you don't just "meet people." Rory doesn't want to help, so she says she'll go to her room. Terrence scolds Paris for being a month behind on both her dream log and her pretty thoughts journal. Paris says she shouldn't be penalized for not thinking pretty lately since Terrence was in court-ordered rehab. Rory butts in again to ask Paris why she hadn't told her about a message sitting on the table from Headmaster Charleston. Paris is busy, Rory. Take a number. Terrence defends himself, saying he had a back problem and the prescription was in his Filofax. Fucking Rory (which is starting to catch on as her nickname, I must say), then makes a cell-phone call right there. "Hello? HEADMASTER CHARLESTON? This is Rory Gilmore. I'm SORRY it took SO LONG to call you back. I JUST got your message." Terrence tells Rory she's being passive-aggressive. Sing it, Terrence.
Rory stomps into her room and stands in front of a Dave Eggers poster for a long time. Headmaster Charleston asks Rory how she likes Yale. Rory says she loves it because it's nothing like she thought it would be. It's nothing like we thought it'd be, either, Rory, and that's exactly why we still wish you had gone to Harvard. And Lorelai could have some kind of exchange student who's working an internship at the Dragonfly, and she could be the opposite of Rory but still get along with Lorelai like they were sisters and buddies, and Rory could be jealous, particularly when this girl barely studies and makes like, C's, but Lorelai doesn't care because she's not her mother. Headmaster Charleston asks Rory if she'll host a prospective Yalie from Chilton for a few days. This one is a "bright, focused, quietly determined" young girl who reminds the Headmaster of Rory. That would be the Rory before all the sex and adultery. Headmaster Charleston incorrectly assumes that Rory hasn't changed. Rory says that only the wardrobe has been updated. It's hard to see ourselves for who we truly are, isn't it? Rory thanks Headmaster Charleston for the honor. The sixteen-year-old girl's name is Anna Fairchild, and she'll be there Monday morning at nine. Rory makes a Sabrina joke that falls flat with the Headmaster. Rory thanks him again and says she won't let him down. They hang up.
Friday night in the poolhouse. Richard tells Rory that this is a great honor. Rory says she knows. Lorelai is wearing the same shirt she was wearing at the top of the episode. I'm paying attention to Lorelai's wardrobe because the rest of this, while apparently technically accurate, is just a boring Yalefest to me. Rory and Richard debate what Rory should show Anna, besides Rory's classes and the newspaper. There's also a trip to see the Gutenberg (Lorelai: "Steve?" Richard: "Bible."). Hey, Yale. We had one of those at UT, too. Suck it, Richies. Lorelai points out that Rory's tour is a snoozefest, and needs some kind of fun or else Anna will want to fling herself off of Yale's tallest library, even if it's just a quick trip past the drama students yelling "Give me a location!" Richard says that Lorelai might be right. "Who heard that?" Lorelai shouts. Richard and Rory decide to take Anna to "touch the toe," which you rub for luck. "Wow, that is fun," Lorelai says. "Make sure you get a parent consent form for that one." Apparently the toe is true. Here's the difference between Yale and UT. When you're on the UT tour? They don't take you to some rubbed-off toenail. You go to the main building, from the tower of which Whitman shot all those people, and you stand on the steps just behind the statue of George Washington holding a scroll. If you stand at the right angle, it looks like our first President is holding his erect penis. And that's what they show you on every campus tour. I'm not kidding. I am serious. Richard tells Rory that the friends she makes now will be with her for life. Man, that's true. Paris is going to end up Rory's maid of honor. Rory lies that she's got some great friends at Yale. Richard asks about Logan. Lorelai can't believe Richard knows something about a boy that Lorelai doesn't, and also has no idea who he's talking about when he mentions Logan's parents. That makes all of us, Lorelai. Rory tells Lorelai that he's the boy who took her home from the "Male Yale" party the other night. Lorelai correctly identifies him as "limo boy." Richard reminds Rory that Logan's father owns a ton of newspapers. Rory smirks that she already knew that, because she's planning on dating someone to get a job, I guess. Richard also giggles fiendishly, proud that his granddaughter has an opportunity to sleep her way to the top.
Lorelai confronts Rory outside, between the Gilmore homes, asking why she has to get her Rory gossip from her dad. Rory tells Lorelai she's not dating Logan, and that they're just friends. Lorelai wants to know if he's cute. Rory says she's not dating anyone, and since Dean, she's on a "boy break." She promises to tell Lorelai if that changes. Lorelai says she only has two things she does better than Richard, and that's having information about Rory and looking good in chiffon. Wait. I saw The Cat's Meow. She's wrong. Lorelai adds, "Oh, and my pole dance is way hotter." They head over to Emily's.
Lorelai struts around Luke's apartment wearing nothing but one of his flannels, bragging that one of the best things about dating a diner owner is that she's never too far away from pie. She carries an entire pie and then, I think, crawls into Luke's bed. Luke thought the benefit was that he always smells faintly of meat. Ugh. Lorelai says he's like Willy Wonka, but hotter. Luke says he's not hotter than Willy Wonka. He's got that right. Luke crawls into bed beside Lorelai. She says, "This is nice." He agrees. Don't you think one of them should have said "I love you" by now? I mean, I guess they're waiting until the end of the season, but it's a terribly stunted emotional relationship when they're not even talking about how they're not talking about it. And by that, I mean that a woman like Lorelai would normally be obsessing about how Luke feels about her, if he really loves her or not. Maybe she wouldn't be wondering if she loves him enough, but she'd surely worry that he didn't love her as much as she needs him to, particularly since Luke's such a quiet guy who doesn't profess his feelings too often. Instead, she'd rather know about his mysterious Dark Day, which isn't a mystery to anybody and would be pretty easy to figure out if Lorelai just walked down the street to his sister's house and asked her. Not that Lorelai's a fan of either logic or reason. I want some pie. Lorelai says she thinks their relationship is going well. Luke says he has very few complaints. Lorelai asks what complaints he does have, and Luke just laughs. Maybe it's the fact that Lorelai eats pie out of the tin in his bed. Lorelai gets sneaky and invites Luke to the party she knows he can't attend and acts all surprised and hurt when he says he's not going to go with her because he's got something to do that day. He says he has to go out of town on business. Lorelai asks when he turned into Willy Loman. Also: is Luke still in business with Richard? Is Lorelai ever going to confront her parents for being assholes to her boyfriend? Luke gives Lorelai a peck on the cheek and turns out the lamp, leaving her in the dark with her pie.
Paris is hard at work at her arts and crafts table when Rory comes in, bragging about all the Yale stuff she bought for Anna. She must have spent a couple hundred dollars on all things Bulldog. Rory doesn't seem to know that the "soda cozy" is actually a "beer koozie." Homegirl needs to attend a kegger. Paris calls every girl under the age of seventeen "the enemy," because they come to take the generation's jobs and starter husbands. Rory asks Paris to be gone when Anna arrives so that Paris doesn't scare her off. Paris: "Me? Scare her off? Please. She's the one with the alabaster skin and perky breasts." As Rory goes to answer the door, Paris announces that Eve Harrington has arrived. Anna is not too different from Hannah in face, voice, or story arc. This episode is scarfy. Rory apologizes in advance for Paris. I just wasted twenty minutes trying to figure out what that "Space Cowgirl: Martian Menace" poster is behind Rory. Is it from Cowboy Bebop? And then, who's the guy in the other poster? Emily is going to freak out when she sees how they've trashed that armoire holding the entertainment system. Marty shows up and asks whether Anna's presence means that Paris has moved out. "I'm right here, Marty," Paris says. Without moving a muscle, Marty immediately says, "I know, Paris." Marty leaves to put the food in his own refrigerator. "You have boys bringing you food?" Anna asks. Rory calls Yale "magical." Except that boys have been bringing her food her entire life.
Yale Yale Yale, blah blah blah. I spend this time sending songs into my iPod. I highly recommend the ridiculous single by Robert Downey Jr. It's called "Broken," and he sings in a fake Irish accent, and holy cow, it's hilarious. Oh, my God. Rory is still reciting Yale facts. What else could we talk about? Because it's just boring to hear. I don't want to go to Yale, do you? Why do I need to know about their bench, or Mr. Yale, or anything Rory says after the last time she broke Dean's heart? Then Rory realizes that the five minutes of Yale facts she just spouted were about some other bench than the one they're standing in front of.
Rory tells Anna that there's a rumor that you get your degree automatically if you become fluent in Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. "Imagine all the tables you could wait with those skills," she jokes. At UT, there was a rumor that you got an automatic 4.0 if your roommate committed suicide. Rory brings Anna to the newspaper room, prepping her for the incredible intensity of a room buzzing with scoop and impending deadlines. But when Rory opens the door, the place is pretty much empty, and quiet, and resembles the Yearbook room, where I worked for two years. Yes, I was on Yearbook. Yes, I'm Lisa Simpson. Paris and Doyle burst into the room, already fighting. Rory tells Anna that this is the real heart and soul of journalism -- an editor asking his journalist to reveal her source -- but it turns out Doyle's angry because Paris took his pen. Rory gets a cell-phone call and immediately walks away to answer it because the Gilmores have no social skills.
It's Lorelai, and she wants to know if Rory has ever heard about Luke's Dark Day. Can't anyone have some privacy in this town? Lorelai is shelving the fake books in the Dragonfly's fake office, and that cracks me up. Rory says she's never heard of Luke's Dark Day. It's on November 30th, so it's crazy because this episode aired on November 30th, so it's like we're watching the past as it catches up with the present. Freaky! Lorelai figures Rory would know, seeing as how she has a Bob Graham-like obsession with recording her daily life. Rory says she'll check the notebook later and find out where they had breakfast that morning. Lorelai asks if Rory's Mini-Me showed up. Rory says that Anna's tour is going great. Lorelai: "How many bench lectures did you give?" Rory: "Two. But they were about the same bench." Kirk walks up to Lorelai. He's holding a book. Lorelai says she has to go, since someone is standing "abnormally close to her." Rory tells Lorelai to say hi to Kirk. They hang up. Kirk tells Lorelai he has a business proposition for her. He asks how often she slips in her tub. "Never," Lorelai says. Kirk: "Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that." "Constantly," Lorelai says, interrupting. "I never stop slipping, even after I get out." Kirk shows off his new line of bath and shower adhesive decals. Lorelai looks over the catalog, noting that they are impressive and expensive. Kirk asks Lorelai to look them over right now, since that's the only catalog he has. He points out his favorite, which looks like two fish kissing. Lorelai asks Kirk about Luke's Dark Day. Kirk says that everybody knows about it. He doesn't know the details, but he knows it's every year: "I think it goes back a long, long time." He says that Luke, like everyone, has always had a touch of darkness in him: "Luke's a little more touched than some. He's kind of grabbed, actually." He tells Lorelai about the time Luke knocked books out of Kirk's hands in the seventh grade. "Because of his Dark Day?" Lorelai asks. "No, everyone knocked books out of my hands," Kirk says. "I was kind of a target. I used to wear a cape to school."
Oh, God, Rory. Shut up about Yale! Shut up! Shut up! You are in the library! Shut up! Rory is going on about how much she loves libraries, but Anna is staring to realize how cool college life is. She loves how everybody's dressed: "No uniforms!" She asks Rory how many guys Rory's dated since going to college. Rory deftly maneuvers around that answer, saying she hasn't dated any from Yale. Not officially, anyway. Rory and Anna hold and smell books, as Rory declares, "Nothing, nothing smells like that." Logan catches Rory sniffing books and teases her. Logan tells Anna he could have sworn she was a college girl. That's because the actress playing her is twenty-seven. Anna giggles, and Logan puts even more gel in his hair. Logan tells Anna to make sure Rory takes her to the pub, since that's where everybody hangs out. Rory says she won't, but Anna begs. Not one of these people is supposed to be old enough to be in a pub. Logan says that he was lost, and that's how he ended up in the library. He leaves. "He's cute," Anna says. "Yes, he is," agrees Rory. "But not as cute as Pushkin." Rory calls Anna "Missy," and continues the tour of snooze.
Lorelai's driving somewhere around Stars Hollow in her Jeep and sees Luke yelling at an older woman. It looks like the woman lives door to Kyle's parents. Luke is screaming at this woman to have a great time in Florida before a hurricane kills her. Lorelai immediately gets involved. Mrs. Thomspon, the patient elderly woman, is going to a nursing home and can no longer rent her garage to Luke because the people who are going to rent her house have cars. Mrs. Thompson explains to Lorelai that Luke is upset because his father had been renting that garage to build a boat: "And then when he died, Luke continued to pay for the garage." But now that Mrs. Thompson is moving to a nursing home, she can't take care of...didn't I just say that? I guess they said it twice, too. Anyway, Lorelai scolds Luke for yelling at a "little old lady." If anyone ever calls me that while I'm standing right there, I'm going to be so pissed off. You know, some days I wonder about Little Old Lady Friend, who now has to be about eleven or twelve, and I hope that she never read my recap where I said it looked like her three divorces had been rough on her. Luke yells that he has no place to store the boat on a moment's notice. Mrs. Thompson asks if they can sit down, since the screw in her hip is loose. You know, Mrs. Thompson looks suspiciously like Little Old Lady Friend. Lorelai asks if they can try to figure this out. Luke says he has the perfect solution: "Haul it off! Scrap it." He wants the boat cut up for firewood. He says that Mrs. Thompson can send him the bill after someone hauls it away. Lorelai follows Luke as he storms off. He says he's been paying Mrs. Thompson every month for fifteen years, and his dad had paid her every month for twenty years before. To which I say: thirty-five years of monthly rentals of this poor woman's garage? Dude. Get a shed. Buy a storage unit. Remember Dad's old garage? It was big enough for you to hide a stolen car in. Jess took the car; put the boat in it. Or park it in the lake. Why am I always the one with all the answers?
Lorelai drives Luke back to the diner. All fifty feet. Lorelai gives Luke a tour about as entertaining as the one her daughter is giving simultaneously a few miles away. She tries to kick him out of her Jeep, but Luke doesn't leave. He tells her instead that November 30th is the anniversary of his dad's death. Lorelai sympathizes with an "Oh, hon." Luke says that every year on that day, he disappears. He doesn't go out or see anyone. He is in a funk. "You have a Dark Day," Lorelai says. Luke says he figured he should tell her, since they're in a relationship and she might wonder why he won't answer the phone or be around to get conned into going to Miss Patty's party with the flip of some pretty hair. Lorelai: "The hair flip is that effective, huh?" Luke says if she combined it with a black dress, she could get him to be Miss Patty's backup dancer. Luke says he's never told anyone this before: "I don't really like to talk about it." Luke says that the boat thing made him flip out, but that he'll apologize to Mrs. Thompson. He says that his dad never finished making that boat, and that it's been sitting there for fifteen years. Lorelai thinks Luke was too hasty in making the decision to trash the boat. Luke says it's better to get rid of the thing now; he hasn't even looked at it since his father got sick: "If it's gone, I don't have to deal with it. It's time to move on. I'm fine. Really." Luke thanks Lorelai for the ride. They kiss goodbye.
Rory takes a minor into a bar. Anna says she loves it there. Rory says that this place makes great cappuccino. Maybe they just call it a pub but it's really a diner with booze. No, that looks like a bar where Rory's ordering. Marty walks up to Rory, who changes the order to three coffees. Rory tells Marty she might have overwhelmed Anna about an hour ago, given that the poor girl's hand cramped up from taking notes and it's been spasming ever since. Rory sees that Anna is covered in flirting boys, so Rory heads over to play chaperone. The boys have invited Anna to a party tonight. Rory tells them they'll keep the party in mind in case Anna ages two years in the few minutes, and shoos them away. Anna pouts that it's unfair that Rory gets to talk to boys and she doesn't. Marty joins the table just in time to hear Rory say that Marty is hardly a boy. Awesome. Rory goes on and on about how it's great to have boys who are just pals, who aren't ever going to be any more than guys who bring you food and jewelry and build you cars and try desperately to get in your pants but you just keep them at arm's length because that's how you keep all the free stuff coming.
Cut to the girls in their hundred-dollar pajamas in Rory's common room. Anna asks if she can sleep with the television on. Rory says it's cool as long as she doesn't wake Paris. Anna screeches that she loves college. She loves not having a bedtime. She loves cappuccino, which she might have had too much of. As she's screeching about all the things she loves, Paris walks into the room, all dressed up real purty. "What's she on?" Paris asks Rory. Rory: "Four cappuccinos and three Red Bulls from the fridge." Yikes. "Enjoy your night," Paris says. Paris tells Rory she's putting herself out there. Rory says it's 11 at night: "Who were you hoping to hook up with now? Spike and Drusilla?" Paris asks if her lipstick is too whorish. Rory says it's just whorish enough. Anna shrieks, "Going out at eleven o'clock at night? I love college!" Paris threatens to suffocate Anna when she gets back. I'll help. Rory says goodnight and leaves. Anna is still beaming as she settles down to watch television.
It's the day, and Rory's in class with Anna, who's totally asleep. How many days will Anna follow Rory around? It's some kind of psychology class. Rory tries to wake Anna, but the girl is way too sleepy. Oh. Rory informs us that this is a philosophy class, and that Professor Bell is a big deal. Then why is he teaching this Intro class? Whatever. Okay, so here's what happens . Colin bursts in, but none of us would know it was Colin because we don't really care about Colin so we only know the other one by his weird accent, which I thought Colin sometimes had, too. Colin storms into class and apologizes, rushing over to Rory, saying she can't just walk out on him like that. Professor Bell tries to get the kid to leave, but he says that he was still in bed when she left. He says he loves her. And Fucking Rory just sits there. She doesn't protest, she doesn't explain that this kid is the douche who recently drank all of her grandfather's Scotch, nor does she tell him to go away. Colin screams over and over again that he loves Rory. Then Logan storms in. He yells at Colin, telling him to leave Rory alone: "She's with me, now. I told you that." Our academic system isn't a game! Is this going to be on the final? Colin and Logan break into fisticuffs until the Professor threatens to call Security. Then Finn shows up in a bobby uniform, blowing his whistle, hauling off the young ruffians. In fact, Rory acts like all of this is real until Finn shouts, "Rory Gilmore! You should be ashamed of yourself." Now the class realizes that this is a joke, and they start to laugh, and Rory hides her head in shame because maybe she thought for a second that the boys really were fighting over her? Regardless, it's her fault for not trying to save face when her stupid friends act like assholes in her class. Finn shouts that these boys used to have pride: "They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Dammit, Gilmore! Give them back their balls." The class breaks into appreciative applause. The boys come back in and take a bow. Rory still does nothing. Nor does the professor. I haven't seen an Ivy League classroom shenanigan that powerful since Soul Man.
Lorelai and Sookie are moving things into Lorelai's garage. Actually it's just one big plant, but we see them pass a bunch of junk. Sookie complains about the three Thighmasters the elderly woman owned: "You'd think if you had three Thighmasters, you'd wear some slacks once in a while." Sookie asks for our benefit why they're lugging all of this stuff. Lorelai says she had to take all of this stuff in order to get Luke's boat. Also, Lorelai is a hoarder and this is a great excuse to have three Thighmasters. Also, also: I guess the garage had some space now that Lane's band practices at home. Lorelai says she's only hiding the boat in her garage for a few days and then she'll move it. She thinks she might put it in the old stables at the Dragonfly, so I guess they got rid of those horses. Too bad; I was hoping to see Michel dressed as a rodeo clown one day. Sookie asks Lorelai when she's going to tell Luke she bought his boat. Lorelai admits that she hasn't thought that far in advance. She has the same train of thought as my cat: "Me, me, me, me, food, poop, me, me, me, me, I NEED TO BE IN THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW." Lorelai and Sookie concoct a plan to steal trees out of Jackson's yard while he's sleeping. The scene ends on a joke I don't get about Lorelai asking Richard Widmark to sign her grapefruit, but luckily we have the gigantic know-it-all I love called the internet: "In a famous 1952 I Love Lucy episode Lucy and Ethel take a bus tour of the stars [sic] homes while staying in Hollywood. When the bus stops at Richard Widmark's home, Lucy's favorite movie star [sic], she asks the bus driver to let her off the bus to pick a grapefruit. In trying to get the grapefruit Lucy falls over the wall and gets trapped on Widmark's property."
Okay, so this is a little weird. Yale has turned one of its classrooms (the only one we ever see when Rory's taking a class that's smaller than three hundred students) into a Speed Dating event. The boys sit at desks and the girls stand at attention, ready to move desk to desk in the -- you guys all know what Speed Dating is. For Pete's sake, they use it in every television show. When Leno did a parody of it two years ago, you know these jokes are a little stale. But regardless, we love Paris, so it's worth it to spend some time with her, I guess. The bell rings and Paris sits down. Guy: "I'm Jack." Paris: "Paris." Jack: "Did your parents travel a lot?" Paris: "Why?" Jack: "Your name's Paris." Isn't it amazing they haven't made a "Paris Hilton" joke with her yet? Particularly in this scene, they had the opportunity. Anyway, Paris lays into the kid, asking if his parents changed a lot of flat tires or plugged the phone into the wall often. Hee. Jack's all, "No." Paris says it's great they cleared that up right away. She asks for another fascinating talking point. He asks her major. Paris scoffs, asking if he wants to know her sign and whether she comes there often as well: "Or if I'm a Britney or a Christina?" Is there even a difference anymore? Paris asks Jack whether the last time he had an interesting thought was when he considered flinging himself off of a building. The bell rings, and Paris moves on. "Bye, Jack," she says. "I'll write Mother immediately."
table. Paris sits and says, "Paris. And no, my parents didn't travel." The kid tries to play along, smiling, introducing himself as Billy and admitting that he has no idea what she's talking about. "So, what's your story, Billy?' she asks. Billy: "Well, I'm a drama major --" Paris looks to the side and shouts, "Ding! Ding! Ding!" She immediately changes tables. Ha.
For some reason the girl who was sitting at the table moves without protest. Oh, well, it was Doyle she was talking to. She was probably grateful for the interruption. Doyle is wearing our wedding color. Doyle was happy for the interruption, as well, since the girl who was sitting there was about to say the words "Latter-Day Saints." Doyle and Paris commiserate as Doyle admits that this is his third time doing this, even though he's never met anyone at it. Paris says she can't see one person in this room who shouldn't be sterilized immediately. Doyle agrees. Paris and Doyle begin discussing the human skeletons found in Flores. I have to say, this discovery is the geekiest advancement in science ever. They found Hobbits. It's like, they couldn't just leave Tolkien alone -- they had to figure out how to create a civilization just so people would stop teasing them. "Take that, Susie Bookman, who in the tenth grade called me a 'Bilbo Dildo.' You thought I was wasting my time speaking only in Elvish. I was merely working towards the most significant discovery of our modern age! I bet you wish you'd held onto that awesome mix tape I gave you (I'll Stop Middle-Earth and Melt With You (My Precious)). I bet now you wish you embraced your proper Elven name of Ivy Gamgee-Took of Bywater. I bet you regret making fun of me when I cried after you let me touch your left breast with my bare hand. I've discovered LIFE. I was ALWAYS RIGHT. I, PONTO BUMBLEROOT, AM YOUR SUPERIOR. Behold! The HOBBITS!" Anyway, Paris and Doyle are eating it up. The bell rings, but Paris isn't giving up her date with Doyle. She tells the candidate to move on.
Cut to night. Anna is still going on about Logan's Run. Like, we get it. You love college. You love boys. You love pizza, and movies, and having really deep thoughts. What's so amazing about really deep thoughts? Anna lets herself into Rory's dorm room, and for the record -- Rory doesn't lock her room door. Let's go steal that flat-screen TV. Rory tells Anna that college isn't just a crazy, wild, sleep-deprived, Hedonistic society. Um. It is at this moment that Doyle walks into the common room wearing only a robe. He says out loud that it wasn't the television he was hearing. "This isn't what it looks like," he says, which makes me wonder what else it could be. Paris joins Doyle, wearing only a pajama top. "I told you it wasn't the TV," she says. Rory: "Hi, Paris!" Paris: "All right, fine. Doyle and I had sex." Rory tells the gleeful Anna to get her coat as Paris explains that they met at Speed Dating and decided to cut right to the sex. Rory tells Anna they're going to dinner. "But it's only five," Anna protests. As Rory leaves, Paris scolds, "You have no right to be repulsed by my sex life." Well, that's true. Also, Paris has always had a sex life, where Rory has had more of a anti-sex life. Anna is so impressed with all of this. They really need to teach a sex ed class at Chilton. These girls are all going to turn into crazy trollops when they hit college. Doyle turns to Paris and notes: "This is an exceptionally comfortable robe."
Anna will not shut up about how fun college is. Dinner whenever you want! Sex whenever you want! Hangovers twice a day!
Cut to Anna in the cafeteria: "Ice cream and cereal for dinner." Also, Anna, this is a little misleading. See, the cafeterias aren't always open all day. At my school, they were only open in three-hour chunks and were closed on Sundays, which meant sometimes you didn't get to eat on a Sunday because you didn't have enough money to buy yourself dinner because you spent it all on your hedonistic lifestyle on Saturday. But I suppose a richy Chilton/Yalie like yourself wouldn't know anything about that. Logan walks up in his stupid leather jacket and accepts Anna's offer to join them for dinner. "Dull day, huh?" he asks. Anna says it wasn't for her. Logan keeps his eyes trained on Rory, noting that she's being quite quiet. Rory says she has nothing to say. Logan says he gets the feeling Rory's mad at him. Rory tells Anna to head over to the "Fro Yo Social." Anna reminds Rory that she just had three scoops of ice cream. Rory tells Anna to live a little, and hit the fro yo. Anna asks Logan to join them, but Logan says he's not so sure he's going to be able to walk soon. Anna leaves. Good riddance.
Rory calls Logan a series of words that could describe any of her boyfriends who wear leather jackets: "Jerk. Ass. Arrogant. Inconsiderate. Mindless. Frat-boy. Buttface. Miscreant!" Logan takes offense only to "buttface miscreant," which is so the name of his punk rock band. Rory pouts, "Why would you do something like that?" Rory makes the very good point that Logan came into her class in front of her professor and made her look like an idiot, and that she's still got to get a grade from that man one day. Logan says he'll talk to the professor and tell him Rory was innocent. Does Logan own a building on this campus or something? Rory says that the class was in a frenzy, and that they never got back to the subject they were talking about. Logan reminds Rory that there's another class week. Actually, there should be one in two days, if it's a Tuesday-Thursday class. Actually, it gets more confusing, because Rory says that this class is only six weeks long, and that Logan blew one of those weeks for her and she'll never get it back. Yale has six-week semesters? Logan promises to hook her up with a Daddy connection if she really wants some alone time with Prof Bell. Hey, that's Paris's job. Logan offers a non-apology: "I'm sorry you're so bent out of shape. I didn't mean to upset you." Why does he even like her? Rory complains that Anna now thinks Yale is a big joke. Logan says that if Anna thought that after spending five minutes with Rory, then she was always going to think that: "Relax." Fuck off, Logan. Why don't you find a girl who thinks you're funny and charming? I've yet to see Rory laugh at a single thing you've said or done. She just mopes and pouts and is miserable around you unless you've gotten her drunk or dropped her from someplace tall. Rory echoes my sentiments, telling Logan that they are two very different people. She says she has to go to the Fro Yo Social, even though that sounds incredibly stupid. She leaves. If Rory is suddenly going to realize in the couple of episodes that her life has been boring and without risks, I truly hope her first realization in being New Rory is that she is attracted to douchebags. I want her to fail a test, get a speeding ticket, get a tattoo, and sleep with a near-stranger, but I don't want her following some guy who says he's unpredictable and dangerous, because that's no different than her life when she was living for Jess's manic-depressive behavior. I hope she drops out of school, joins the Peace Corps, and realizes that she's smart enough to have everything she wants in life without needing the money, the fancy clothes, the meek hair, or the shitty, shitty taste in men.
Paris has called a phone conference with Doyle and Terrence. She wants to know if this is a real relationship or just a one-night stand. Doyle doesn't understand why Terrence has to be a part of this decision. Terrence: "Because you can't, Doyle. Now please tell Paris how you feel." Rory storms in on another three-hundred-dollar counseling session to announce that Anna is missing. She didn't go to the Fro Yo Social. When Paris and Doyle aren't sufficiently upset, in her opinion, she yells at them to go back to what they were doing and then instantly calls her mommy. Her Marty. Whatever. Same thing. Marty to the rescue, dropping all classes and homework to try to impress the girl who will never treat him with any respect. Rory tells Doyle and Paris that they have to call her if Anna shows up. Because NOTHING IS AS IMPORTANT AS WHAT RORY WANTS RIGHT NOW.
Marty is as frantic as he can fake, asking Rory if she has any idea where Anna could be. And since Marty is here and still not her mother, Rory calls her mother. Rory. Get your own damn life. Get a life. Do something. Gah. She's just mopey and miserable all the time, isn't she? Or she's sniffing a book. I can sniff a book with the best of them, but I also remember college being a time when I hardly got any sleep because I was too busy having fun, staying up late talking to everyone, going to concerts, meeting older boys, seeing movies I never got to see -- you know, doing the stuff Anna's so looking forward to. Rory's college experience has been nine thousand trips to Stars Hollow and one study tree. Lorelai tells Rory to check bars, and for some reason, Chinese restaurants, to find Anna. Why Rory didn't think to check the pub first and needed her mother to tell her that is exactly the reason we are all sick of meek, pouty, whiny Rory. Grow a spine! Lorelai tells Rory she has to go because she's actually in a relationship where real people take care of themselves, and hangs up.
Luke tripped over three Thighmasters to get to Lorelai's front porch. She lies when he asks why they're there. He hands over her glasses, which she left at his house (how convenient!), thus interrupting his Dark Day in order to help a Gilmore. Lorelai says she was just leaving for Miss Patty's, but she doesn't have to go if he wants to come in. Luke says he's still on his Dark Day. She apologizes for the fall. Luke notices how Lorelai's garage door is all weird. She tells him not to worry and to leave it alone, but Luke won't, saying she can't leave that door open or somehow her stuff could get ruined. Anyway, the Help a Gilmore motto leads Luke to Lorelai's garage, past the trees, to see his boat parked in her garage. Lorelai explains that she bought the boat, along with all the other crap that's in the yard: "I just couldn't stand the idea that you might regret someday giving the boat away." Luke says he said he wanted the boat gone. "You were upset," Lorelai reminds him. Luke says he was only cranky before; now he's upset. Lorelai starts, "I just thought..." Luke interrupts, completing the sentence to say she thought about herself and only how she'd feel because Lorelai only thinks about herself. It may have taken five years, but at least someone's brave enough to finally say it besides me. Luke: "You didn't think about me or the fact that I said I wanted to get rid of this damn boat. I mean, I said it, Lorelai. I said it, you heard it and you ignored it." Furthermore, "You have no respect for what I wanted. This was my dad. This was his boat and this decision was mine. This was not yours." Lorelai, hurt, whispers, "I know." Luke says he doesn't want to hang on to things and stare at them. Incredibly, Lorelai interrupts, "Except my horoscope." I must admit, this is something I might do, because I am not the best at being in an argument, and come up with theories to support my case that prove the other person is wrong, even if they are wildly inappropriate to discuss at that time. This is what Lorelai immediately recognizes, and even says to Luke, but the damage has been done. Luke says he's leaving. Lorelai apologizes a few times, and asks him to stay and yell at her. Luke asks what the point is in that, since Lorelai doesn't listen to anything he says anyhow. Of all the times to not end a scene with Lorelai staring off into space, really registering what just happened, this time they just cut to commercial. Don't try to predict this show; you can't guess what'll happen .
Do you think David Spade had a lot of credit-card debt, and that's why he picked up this Capital One campaign?
So Anna wasn't at the Pub, and Rory's in total freak-out mode because she can't find Anna. She calls herself stupid, and says if she didn't have to "confront Logan," this wouldn't have happened. Now would be a great time for Marty to point out that Logan is a shithead, and that Rory shouldn't bother even talking to him, much less joining his secret society. And if that's what Rory considers "confronting," I say we really ought to go steal some stuff out of her bedroom. Like a bracelet. Oh, my gosh! The extra on the cell phone behind Rory and Marty is smoking a cigarette! Way to be a rebel, extra. You rock. Someone show Anna what college really looks like -- a guy on his cell phone, smoking a cigarette, standing outside of a bar.
Rory goes on and on to Marty about how frustrating Logan is and finally, thankfully, wonderfully, Marty has had enough. "Oh, stop it," he says. "He likes you." Rory plays the complete idiot, protesting, saying there's no way someone who liked her would do what he did in her classroom. Marty isn't having it: "Attention like that from people like Logan is like being tapped. You've been anointed. You're in." Rory still pretends she doesn't understand, so Marty says, "He likes you. Stop being so naïve. It's annoying." Keep going, Marty! Tell her everything else she does that sucks. Rory's cell phone rings, and for a second I think it's my own phone and dammit, I hate it when that happens. It's Headmaster Charleston, asking Rory how Anna's seemingly endless tour is going. Rory says it's going great: "Everything's great." Headmaster Charleston says this means he can inform Anna's parents that the underage girl the Yale campus police picked up from a party is not their daughter. Rory apologizes: "I tried. I just...I turned around for a moment." Headmaster Charleston doesn't want to hear it and hangs up, wishing her good luck at Yale. Rory mopes and complains that the girl spent one day with her and got sent home by the police and now she's going to retroactively flunk high school. Marty (and we) cannot stop rolling the eyeballs. Rory has become insufferable this season. "Crappy, crappy day," Rory says, offering to treat Marty to a cab that happens to be right there. Marty puts Rory in the cab, but decides to walk home. He slams the door on her and leaves. Keep walking, Marty. Never look back. Go date anyone else on that campus. Date Logan before you date Rory. In fact: yes. Please date Logan.
Miss Patty's party. Sookie is wearing...a cake, it seems. Who put that woman in that outfit? ["I think I tried on that dress at Anthropologie when I was looking for something to wear to your wedding, and...yeah. Looks so pretty on the hanger, but when you put it on, it's beeeyad." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai is sniffing herself, commenting that she smells like trees. Sookie does, too. Lorelai calls themselves the crazy pine-scented ladies. So are those Murphy's Oil church ladies. Lorelai zones off, thinking about Luke. I stare at Sookie's tan line. Miss Patty wears what appears to be a bat costume and starts her stage show. Kirk misses his line because he's reading Yoga for Dummies. Miss Patty launches into "The Coffee Song," which could also be the theme for this show. You can tell they put this in later because the extras are just bopping their heads along to no beat at all, not knowing what the hell this song is so they can't even fake it. Nobody's moving in the same rhythm. Lorelai sees Luke moping outside the window. Looks like anti-social moping is a family trait. Lorelai heads outside.
Lorelai walks over to Luke, who immediately apologizes for sucking. She apologizes for getting involved and not thinking like how he'd think. Luke interrupts her apology to kiss her. She asks him in, but he's still having his Dark Day. He just didn't want to be fighting. They kiss some more. He leaves, and Lorelai beams.
Luke wanders into Lorelai's garage and stares at the boat. He touches it, taking a deep breath.
Richard finds Logan on the bench that's not famous. He says he just heard about "The Incident," and how Logan professed his love for Rory in class. Richard explains that Professor Bell and the Dean of Admissions are close friends of his, and that he thinks Logan has excellent taste. He tells Logan that what he did wasn't appropriate, but what's done is done. He smacks Logan on his dumb leather jacket. He immediately sets to planning their engagement and subsequent marriage. Logan shouldn't wear that turtleneck with that jacket. Richard tells Logan to make sure Rory's happy. He says it's been nice seeing everybody, and that they can get back to their "coffee break." Heh. My entire life is a coffee break. "Welcome to the family, son," Richard says. Richard walks away from the gobsmacked Logan. He touches his nose, beaming. The strummy-strummy plays as Rory touches her nose back. I once had a professor make this little gesture to me after saying, "I'm a bit under the stairs." I still have no idea what he was trying to convey.
Seconds later, Richard and Rory meet on like, the other side of a wall or something. Rory thanks Richard, who says it was so much fun to do. He hopes Colin knows CPR because Logan's having trouble breathing. He asks if there's anybody else who's been messing with her. Rory says there's a girl in her Modern Poetry class who keeps kicking her chair. Richard says he loves this place. Rory agrees. And once again Rory leans that eventually someone will take what's broken and fix it for her.
See you on the other side of married.