The "previously" section of this episode is almost the entire last episode.
The only update I have on the wedding is that yesterday someone RSVPed a "Yes" without a name or return address. This sent me searching the internet for zip codes near the zip code stamped on the postmark, to no avail. The zip code is for a sorting station. I'm looking forward to our mystery guest, and hope that said mystery guest isn't actually a family of three.
Dragonfly kitchen. Sookie and Lorelai are trying to figure out how to find hookers to bring in more businessmen without inviting Bill Maher. Lorelai asks Jackson for advice. Jackson -- who is sick and tired of being the Town Selectman -- tells Lorelai to make one of her own damn decisions for a change. He gets a cell-phone call and fields a complaint from a woman whose granddaughter got injured on a playground bouncy piggy and/or ducky. Sookie changes Jackson's tomato-stained shirt during the monologue of quirk. Dean and Lorelai make eye contact, and Dean runs away before Lorelai can ask him to do her any kind of favor. Lorelai then lies to Jackson, telling him to sign a purchase order, which he quickly deduces is that same parking permit form. He gives an "Et tu, former friend?" and leaves. Sookie grabs the form so she can forge Jackson's signature. I just accidentally slammed my hand into a cactus trying to shut my kitchen window. It really hurt. Newsflash: cacti are painful when punched.
Man, there's nothing creepier than an ad for The Polar Express.
Rory and Richard make good on their promise to have lunch at Rory's dorm's cafeteria. Richard is mid-story about a man named Dickie (tee hee), so it's hard (heh) for me to hear through my incessant giggles. The entire story exists for Richard to excuse himself from this Friday's dinner, since he'll be in Chicago with Dickie. Richard begins to complain that he doesn't like to travel as much, but stops himself when he realizes he's doing the babble of the lonely, something I, myself have been doing this week, as I spent much of the past two weeks by myself, alone in this house. In fact, the past two recaps were the most communication I've had with other people, since Stee was out of town and I'm working under a couple of pretty intense deadlines. Rory promises that she's not sick of hearing Richard babble about this and that, and says she's having fun. Their conversation turns to books. Rory is into P.G. Wodehouse, but she hasn't learned how to pronounce it yet. That's okay, Rory. I still haven't figured out which one of the millions I'm supposed to read so that I love it, yet. I apparently picked the wrong one. This also explains all the mentions of "Jeeves" lately. Also, I figure I should add here a sample of the weekly email I get from my friend Allison, always on Wednesday mornings:
Subject: and still: hating Dean
But loving that Rory is going through a 'Wodehouse phase,' which I always knew she would do, someday, if I watched long enough. Despite the fact that she pronounced it wrong -- it's actually pronounced 'Woodhouse' -- I still loved it.
But, the Dean hate rages on in the Huff household. He must be put out to pasture. Of course, Rory is just going to keep hurting me when she goes out with that jerky rich guy at Yale, who is probably a date-rapist. ALSO, Luke and Dean must never again be in a scene together, because it ruins my fantasy that Luke is very tall.
Back to the show. Richard says he just finished the sixth and final volume of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, a task that has taken him thirty-six years to complete. He says he's had more time on his hands lately, without as many nights out as he used to have. He asks Rory if she's still getting together with Emily that night, which means it is Friday, I guess, and Richard's got a plane to catch, like, now. Richard wonders if Emily has gotten the six-month check-up on her car. It's due, and instead of asking Emily himself, he prefers to send his valet to ask her maid. Rory suggests that he ask her himself. Richard says he doesn't want to be an annoyance, and then changes the subject. He says he found the most horrifying thing on television the other night. And before he can tell us what it is, the scene abruptly ends. I hurt my hand on the cactus closing the kitchen window because I finally figured out how to turn the heat on in this house. It took over an hour. These are the joys of home ownership. I mean, it's just a heating device, and shouldn't be difficult to figure out ("auto," "on," "heat," "cool," etc.). But there are two plastic levers on top -- one red, one blue. I mistakenly figured blue was for cool and red was for heat. Every time I turned on what I thought was the heat, only cool air would blow out. It is also news to me that we have air conditioning, since we were told we didn't, and just finished suffering through the summer months. Anyway, it turns out the red and the blue have to be moved together, creating a window of temperature that the house will heat or cool itself to. All I know is that I turned on the heat about half an hour ago and it hasn't shut itself off yet, so I'm thinking the window theory might have to be...thrown out the window...once my hand heals from hurting it closing the window.
Luke's. Lorelai says she's there for coffee and a gander at her boyfriend. Luke tells her not to pay for the coffee, adding that if she insists, she can't tip him. Lorelai offers to tip him later, and then gives a wink that looks more like she lost a contact. He informs her that it's customary not to tip the proprietor. Lorelai scoffs about how she's been tipping him all these years, and that he owes her a lifetime of 20% back. Luke corrects her, pointing out that she rarely tips 20%, and will sometimes dip lower than 15% if she's mad at him. Lorelai gives a tangential "Hey, Keith" to the Asian server so that we all can start referring to him by the correct name. But I think the man playing Cesar wasn't always the man playing Cesar. Time to bust out my Season 1 DVD. Today is the perfect weather to do so, if I didn't have this recap to finish. You see, I hurt my hand on the kitchen window because I had to close it once I figured out how to turn on the heat, which I had to do because it's really quite cold outside today due to the three constant days of rain we've had in Los Angeles. I don't actually remember ever seeing this much nonstop rain. I am so happy to see it, and I truly appreciate how Los Angeles understands that rain doesn't have to come with all that scary thunder and lightning, like big-dick Texas has to do, showing off every time there's a little precipitation. "Check out my tornado warning, bitches! Yee-HAW! Evil green skies and arm-thick bolts of lightnin', touchin' down just outside your front door because Texas is flat as far as the eye can see! Yeeeee-HA!" California's more like, "Dude. It's so raining for, like, ever. I think I'll make some soup to celebrate the earth's desire to cleanse itself of toxins and impurities."
Lorelai and Dean have an awkward run-in outside Luke's. Dean's on his way to his first job, having picked up some extra work at the second job. Lorelai says she saw him at the inn but that he looked so busy (and by that she means he totally ignored her), and he says she looked busy, too. Lorelai asks how "our girl" is doing. "Rory?" Dean asks, because it is a really weird question for Lorelai to ask, since she sees seven times more Rory than Dean does. Dean says he saw her three days ago ("or a couple days ago," he corrects, for those of us keeping the Stars Hollow timeline), but she seemed fine back then. Wow, their relationship is smoking HOT! Lorelai says she talked to Rory this morning: "So...I win!" They flash blindingly white smiles at each other and again I know that they're more attracted to each other than Dean is to Rory or Lorelai is to Luke. Just make out, already. Give us something! Anything! Lorelai tells Dean to come by the time he's at the inn, so they can have coffee and chew the fat, even though that sounds disgusting. They both leave the conversation as soon as they can. The only thing that's a bit frustrating about the amount of rain we've had is that I can't mow the lawn. I couldn't mow the lawn over the past two weeks when Stee was out of town because it's impossible for one person to lift the mower up the stairs to mow the back lawn. Also there are stairs coming up the front lawn. This means the lawn is now two weeks overdue for a mowing, and looks like a mess. We're also going out of town starting tomorrow, leaving our home to a houseguest, and it's not like he'd be expected to mow the lawn. This means the lawn will have one month's and a monsoon's worth of growth, ensuring we'll come home to the white trash lawn filled with weeds and toads. Welcome to the all homeowner-griping edition of recapping.
Emily tells Sarah that she'll answer the door. It's Lorelai, apologizing for being late. She stops her rehearsed excuse when she sees a large, white box in Emily's living room. Gosh, Emily's house is dark. It's a panic room. "Like Jodie Foster?" Lorelai asks, much to the confusion of Emily. It's so small. Emily says it's for one person, maybe two. "It's primarily for me," Emily says. The panic room was supposed to go upstairs, as panic rooms should, but the movers didn't know there were going to be stairs, so they left the large refrigerator-like object at the bottom of Emily's staircase, pretty much in the foyer. Lorelai asks if they can test it out. "I'm gonna get you!" she says to Emily, wiggling her fingers in her mother's face. "You better get in there because I'm menacing! Aaagh!" Emily says there's nothing funny about it. The doorbell rings and Lorelai gasps. "Get in there! Quick! Quick!"
Emily opens the door for Rory, who immediately sees the panic room. "Hey, what's that?" Lorelai poses in front of the panic room like a game-show hostess: "I know how to protect you from shrapnel and Agent Orange! Ask me how!" Emily tells Rory it's a panic room. "Like Jodie Foster?" she asks. Emily doesn't see how Jodie Foster has to do with all of this. Lorelai tells Rory to get one for her dorm room. Emily says it's not a bad idea, since the panic room will stop a .9 mm shell. "Mmm," Lorelai says. "Handy for when Suge Knight comes for tea." Emily says it's time for drinks, and tells them to forget about the panic room. She takes their drink orders, but the cart Richard has left her with has no booze at all. Even their minister had to go without his whiskey sour the other night. She has vermouth, but no gin. Emily tells Sarah to check everywhere for gin. "Including the bathtub," Lorelai adds. Emily says the main reason she bought the panic room was that she's a woman living alone. Lorelai points out that she wasn't the one to bring up the panic room. Emily says she's never lived alone. She went from her parents' house to college to Richard. Rory says that Richard's just in the poolhouse, so she's really not alone. Emily thinks that he might as well be a million miles away: "I don't even know if your grandfather would look up from his stamp collection if he heard me scream." Rory says that's not true, but Lorelai says it could happen if Richard had his nose stuck to a stamp. Emily says Richard barely remembered to tell her he was leaving on a business trip. Rory says that telling her at all meant that he wanted to tell her, and that she's not an afterthought to him: "That's a thought. A very thoughtful thought." Sarah can't find gin anywhere, and offers to check the bathtub. Emily scolds Lorelai for joking with the maids and tells Sarah to try Richard's study. Rory says her mother doesn't need a drink anyway. Sarah comes back, flustered that Richard's door is locked. Emily is incensed that her husband locked his study: "I'm not going to let Richard's business trip keep you from having the drink you want." She grabs a set of spare keys and heads to the poolhouse, Lorelai and Rory in tow. Ooh, my soup is ready. Rainy days make recapping a very difficult chore. I'd much rather read a book.
And because of that last sentence, I stopped recapping for the day. This means that right now I'm recapping on a plane. On a plane! I'm in the air, way up high, using all the modern technologies offered to one young recapper. I probably wouldn't have told you that I'm recapping on a plane because it makes you have to figure out how I'm able to put an episode of Gilmore Girls on my iBook, but I have to tell you the craziest thing: Marty is on my plane. I'm sitting a few rows away from Naked Guy, and I wasn't even slightly discreet about it when I saw him standing in front of me at the gate. "That's Marty from Gilmore Girls, I said to Stee, because I'm a geek. Then, while he was looking at me I just kept babbling. "He also works with ___ at ___!" Stee: "And you just creeped him out so much he walked away." It's true. He kind of avoided being near us for the rest of the time we waited to board. I'm normally really good around famous people, but the people from this show always throw me off. Anyway, Marty, I'm really sorry I outed you at Gate 71B. Can you imagine how weird it'd be if I were recapping the other week's show on the plane, and then he was sitting to us and I was recapping him while he sat to me? Anyway, I'm on a plane!
Emily can't believe Richard lives in such "squalor." She complains about the smell of cigars, and how it smells of debauchery. Lorelai says that Richard and his valet have this whole Auto Focus thing going on. Rory points out the location of the booze, and prods her to hurry up and vamoose. Lorelai says that Emily has the vamoose; it's the gin she needs. Lorelai says, "But you know..." instead of, "Ba-dum-bum." Emily wonders why Richard would have five packs of breath mints. Lorelai opines Richard is on a Gorgonzola and onion diet. As Emily recognizes new books in Richard's collection, Lorelai pouts that her Petunia Pig plate and spoon are hidden here with the castoffs. I have a Donald Duck spoon that met a similar fate in my mom's kitchen. Emily tells Lorelai to take the plate and spoon home, and that Richard won't miss it. Lorelai asks for a canvas bag with a dollar sign on it to take her booty home. Rory heads for the booze again. "Oh, and I think that I spot gin. It's brown, right?" Lorelai: "I love that you think that." Emily snoops through Richard's closet. Rory complains that she just spilled a ton of Scotch on her skirt. "Who's not closing these bottles?" Don't try to figure out why that just happened. Rory's not going to get arrested for drunk driving, and there's no stain on her skirt that we can see. Maybe in a future episode that line will be addressed. But for now, we can forget it. Lorelai asks her mother if she's looking for skeletons in Richard's closet. Emily gasps at something she's found. Rory says she's got the gin and she's ready for the snooping to end. Emily finds a flashy vest in Richard's closet: "It's a vest! It's got glitter! It's a glitter vest!" Technically, it has sequins, but whatever. Lorelai and Rory tell Emily to chill on the vest, and that there are lots of places Richard would need one. Emily asks Lorelai to name one. "Okay, I'm at a loss," Lorelai admits. She suggests that this vest might be like the Petunia Pig spoon, a relic from the bygone days. Emily says that Richard's days of yore never included "dressing up like that gay fellow whose tiger tried to eat him." She's never seen this vest before, and declares it to be a "party vest." Rory worries that they aren't going to cover their tracks correctly, and that they've moved too much stuff around. "How dare he have a vest like that!" Emily scowls. Rory moves everything back to where it belongs as Lorelai pushes her mother out the door.
Luke's. The post-dinner dinner. Rory can't believe how obsessed Emily was about the vest. Lorelai: "Not since I wore my 'Gas, Grass Or Ass, No One Rides For Free' t-shirt to the Junior League Spring Tea." Luke drops off ice cream, pie, cake, and half a grapefruit. Rory whines that she doesn't want any grapefruit. Luke says it's too late for Lorelai, but that he can make Rory eat it. Lorelai says the service is very rude, and now she won't tip him. She tells Rory that they shouldn't have been tipping him all this time. Rory knows that it's customary not to tip the proprietor of an establishment, but she reminds Lorelai that they like Luke, which is why they keep giving him money. That and he gives them free things, like half a grapefruit. The clock inside Luke's says it's 9:30. The clock door at the Soda Shoppe says it's 8. Lorelai says that the grapefruit will be eaten if Luke brings them some coffee. Luke leaves for coffee, and Lorelai asks how long her nose has become.
Rory says she's going to stop by Dean's new place because it's early. He's sleeping on his friend Kyle's couch. It's just temporary. Don't let Kyle's parents know he's sleeping over. Lorelai says they could call Dean and have him meet them at Luke's. Rory seems excited at this notion, which is bizarre, since most people don't want to hang out with their parents right after they first start sleeping together, but Rory's really dating her mother. She says she knows it's been weird between Lorelai and Dean since they got back together. Lorelai argues that she and Dean just saw each other earlier today and had a grand old time. Rory says Dean told her it was weird. Lorelai says it was only weird on his side, then, because it wasn't weird on her end. "Im-hmm," says Rory. Lorelai, unbelievably, suggests tagging along with Rory to Kyle's. "He's back from the Navy! Right? We could all hang out, and hear stories. He could teach us some sea chanteys." Lorelai needs a playdate with some people from her own age group. She says she'll tell Dean how not-weird everything is. Rory says that'd be weird, too. Lorelai says she likes it better how it was before, when they'd get together and hang out and have fun and not be married or have sex. Lorelai says they had a great rhythm. Ew. "He has a great heart. I don't want it to be weird." He actually has the kind of heart they write songs about. He has a cheatin' heart. Lorelai: "Well, then, what about tomorrow night? Let's all hook up then." Oh, man, this whole thing is so desperate. And moms don't say "hook up" to their daughters in reference to their boyfriends. This isn't how moms and daughters talk to each other, and it's not how Lorelai and Rory talk to each other. Lorelai would confront Rory about this, or at least Rory would make Lorelai talk about it. It makes their relationship seem fake, and their love lives are already so frigid and fake, and is WHOA. Someone just sprayed half a bottle of perfume on me. Thanks a fucking lot, 22B. Good Christ, it feels like I drank a Sephora. Ugh. Man. There are hundreds of us on this plane, lady! Have some respect for other people. Who do you think you are -- Lorelai? Gah. It's everywhere, and I don't have my inhaler on me. Man. Grr. I smell like skank. Oh, and now her boyfriend just leaned his chair back as far as he can, and he's leaning into it, trying to get it to go back even further. Now I'm angled like a parenthesis, trying to see the screen, blasting the overhead air to try to create a steady stream of oxygen that doesn't taste like Jean Naté, and the douche in front of me is trying to rest his head in my lap. I'd also like to take a moment to thank Dan Kwa for recapping Lost so that I'm not watching a plane crash over and over again right now. Man. I'm still covered in perfume. I'm so mad about it. I hope she reads this recap. Lady: don't spray perfume in public. Some of us are allergic to you.
Back to other inappropriate women: Lorelai has the horrible idea of a double date. Luke doesn't know at first that there will be a man taller than he in attendance, so he agrees to go out with the two Lorelais. When he finds out there's a fourth, he's all, "Dean?" But it's too late, and Rory's off for a booty call, empty-handed. No purse?
Now Luke's mad because Lorelai tricked him into going on a date with Dean, and Luke didn't know he was dating Rory again. He asks Lorelai if she was hiding it. Lorelai says she didn't know how to tell people, or whether Dean and Rory wanted everyone to know. I guess if they didn't want everyone to know, there shouldn't have been two very public fights about the whole thing. Everybody knows, Lorelai. And if everybody doesn't know, what the hell is that about? This town is built on gossip and drama. Everybody would be talking about this. Luke would totally know from Sookie or Miss Patty or Babette that Dean left Lindsay for Rory. Lorelai offers to let Luke out of the double date, but he says that he just has to get his head around the whole thing and he'll be fine. Then Luke says he'll be right back, and we watch him walk out of the room because I guess this episode was a little short and they needed some moments where we watch people walk out of rooms. Has every scene in this episode ended that way?
Band practice. Brian is teaching mfTL the chord progression for a song he wrote, which has the working title of "Brian's Song." MfTL says it's depressing, because he keeps thinking of the movie. He suggests changing it to "Lepers Are Fun" or "Kiss My Scurvy." Sitting to me, Stee is watching a Mr. Show DVD, where Titanica has just written "Adam's Song (Try Again)." Hee! Lane renames the song "Brian's Tune." MfTL asks for five so he can go clear his head (read: smoke a joint). Brian decides to go water the lawn because they're getting brown spots again. MfTL pouts on a couch, pretending to read. Lane asks him what's new. He says he went to the dentist, who told him he was brushing too vigorously. They decide that getting told as a kid to brush like hell was just another lie fed to their generation. mfTL says he's paying for it now with eroding gums: "Wanna see 'em?" Lane says she's good. She asks if there's anything on his mind. "Not really," mfTL says, before running off to get a drink. He asks if she wants anything. "Nope," Lane says. "I want for nothing."
You guys. They blew Kyle's arm off in the war. He's got a wall covered in Dylan posters, and tells Rory he listened to a lot of Dylan while he was at sea: "He really spoke to me." Rory: "And you understood him?" Kyle laughs and tells Rory she's funny. Kyle says that the Navy has been fantastic. He holds up his arm and says, "Bitchin' rehab, so I'm up and running. I can drive. Type sixty words a minute." I think, somehow, that last thing wasn't supposed to be a joke. Kyle tells Rory that the hook is "a chick magnet." Kyle: "Yeah, it's the Captain Hook thing." I think he meant Captain Jack Sparrow, but it's still not true. We don't have pirate fetishes, and if any of you do, I forbid you from emailing me about it. They just announced the in-flight movie: The Clearing, starring Robert Redford, which means I'll be finishing this recap. Dean enters, surprised to see Rory, and gives her a peck on the lips. Kyle goes, "Oh! I think I know what that means!" He starts to head to his bedroom, saying he'll make himself scarce. Rory immediately tries to keep Kyle in the room so that she doesn't have to do anything physical with her boyfriend. I really hate the rest of this scene, and hate that I have to recap it. Here goes: Kyle runs down a list of all the women he's going to call to find out which ones he's having sex with tonight. "He's been throwing it around a lot lately," Dean says. Gross! Kyle lifts the hook again and brags that everybody loves the bionic man. A cell phone starts ringing. Kyle says that's not him, because his phone plays "Superfreak." Dude, I hope this is based on someone real, because otherwise it's fucking weird to write this character in for like, two minutes of this series. It's just creepy and I don't get it. As Rory answers her phone, Kyle tells Dean he's leaving them so they can "play."
It's Lane on the phone. "Rory, listen," she says. "I like you and I wanna be more than just friends with you." Rory asks, "What?" Lane says Rory's reaction is normal, because that's how you're supposed to respond when someone tells you that. Rory walks away from Dean, but he follows her and they both sit on the futon. Rory touches her hair, leans away. Her body language clearly says she isn't comfortable touching or sitting near Dean, who has grown back some of his facial hair. Dean tries to kiss Rory, but she ducks away from him because she's on the phone and that's more important, suddenly. We can kind of see up Rory's skirt, the way she's sitting, pushing him away, legs crossed. We get it, Rory, you don't like sex. Lane asks Rory how Kyle's hook is doing. Rory tells her it's a chick magnet. Lane tells Rory to say hi to Dean. "Hi, from Lane," Rory says. "Hi, Lane!" Dean shouts. I'm really bored, you guys. I'm sneaking glances on other people's laptops to see what they're watching. I'm tempted to find Marty to see if he wants to recap a scene. I'm physically restraining myself from busting some airplane jokes. I want a latte and a bagel. I want to be done with this recap. I want to not smell like Britney's new perfume! Lane tells Rory to call her back when she's less distracted. Rory tells Lane to keep her posted. Rory asks Dean about double dating with Luke and Lorelai. Dean's as enthused as Luke was: "Won't that be awkward, weird and about fifty other things like that?" Rory promises that it won't be weird, and that it's Lorelai's idea. She reminds Dean that they all used to hang out and have fun. This news propels Dean off of the futon and across the room as he informs us that was a long time ago. Yes, and look how many bizarre plot developments we suffered through to get to this slow scene. Dean agrees to do it, so Rory says she's "off." They kiss on, like, the cheek! The cheek! There is no romance in this show anymore. It used to be sexy, flirty, romantic, and fun. Dean says he hates these short visits. "Yeah, they're better than none, though," Rory says. I beg to differ. "Yeah, I guess," Dean says. Kyle comes back into the room, and says that Rory should stay, since he's gone for the night, having sex all around Stars Hollow: "Thinking about doing a back-to-back'er." That's not even a phrase. Rory barely touches Dean's lips and leaves as Kyle's phone starts playing "Superfreak" and he answers it to make another pit stop for his dipstick. And because what else do we have to do for thirty seconds, we watch Kyle's half of his phone conversation as Dean heads to his bedroom. Their living room needs another lamp. Dean leaves.
Lorelai's in glasses, on the phone. She tells Rory they'll pick her up at 6:30. Rory is walking through the campus at Yale. Lorelai says it'll be a classic slate of Stars Hollow activities. Isn't it Saturday? Why did Rory have to go home early last night, and why are there classes on a Saturday? Then Lorelai gets another phone call. Lorelai puts Rory on hold and answers the call. It's Emily, who wants to give Lorelai the secret code for the panic room. Lorelai thinks Emily should give it to Richard. Emily says that Richard wouldn't come to her rescue if she were on fire. Anyway, after much discussion, Emily slowly gives the code. It's . It's the code the room came with, and Emily doesn't know how to change it. Lorelai promises she won't forget the code, but Emily thinks she should write it down just in case. Lorelai clicks back over to Rory, who thinks Emily should give the code to Richard. Lorelai thinks her parents should just divorce and get it over with. "Don't say that!" Rory protests. "It's not funny." Lorelai says that Emily's getting more insane and sharing the insanity with everyone. Rory -- of all people, RORY! -- says, "Divorce is not the answer." She tells Lorelai she knows that Richard misses Emily terribly, due to the fact that he finished The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Lorelai asks Rory to "de-Mensa" the reference. Rory explains that Richard has enough time on his hands that he's reading, not out partying and wearing vests, but sitting alone, reading big books. Lorelai asks Rory why she didn't tell Emily all of this at dinner. Rory knows that Emily would have been jealous that Rory had lunch with her grandfather and she didn't want to have to get into it: "The less you tell Gramma, the better." Lorelai celebrates Rory's breakthrough. Rory says she really, really, really hates what's going on with Richard and Emily. Me too. It's pretty dull. Rory and Lorelai s-l-o-w-l-y get off the phone so that we can watch Lorelai hang up, toss the phone, and then settle in for a good pout on the couch.
But then boom! Lorelai's at Richard's poolhouse, where she finds Richard indeed reading big ol' boring books. Lorelai says she had stopped by to pick something up from Emily, but that she's not home. Richard tells her that Emily's at her DAR meeting, as she is every week at this time. Lorelai fakes forgetting, and says maybe one day the DAR girls will go wacky and meet late on a Saturday afternoon. I don't really understand Richard and the breath mints but he says he always forgets he already has a box of mints and buys another and soon he has a bowl of mints, and the cycle continues. "Kind of like me and men," Lorelai says. Richard is confused, and Lorelai explains that without Emily there to make a biting comment, she had to do it herself. Richard apologizes for the mess. His valet is with his sick mother, leaving Richard in the lurch. Lorelai then wonders if we get the word "lurch" from The Addams Family. And then Richard....ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-- wha? HUH? Man. Lorelai prods Richard until he eventually tells her that he joined a barbershop quartet. Mystery vest solved! ["I had thought from the look of it that we were going to learn Richard had taken up competitive ballroom dancing, which would have been cooler." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai tells Richard to talk to Emily! scene! Wait! Can we watch Lorelai say goodbye and then walk all the way out of the room, closing the door behind her? Awesome!
It's not a good sign if I'm hoping for some turbulence so that I have a good excuse to close my laptop. Lane is super-hot without her glasses. She's doing her makeup in the kitchen while mfTL has a face full of shaving cream, complaining that the bathroom sink is stopped up. Brian pushes his way in so he can brush his teeth. MfTL warns him not to brush too hard. Lane listens to mfTL go on about how flossing is evil as she finishes her makeup. By the time her glasses are back on, she's changed her mind completely about her crush on mfTL and proceeds to tell him so. She takes it all back. Lane leaves. Brian comes back into the room to spit into the sink. Then he leaves. Everybody's taking a nap. I'm so jealous. I want to take a nap.
Lorelai and Luke don't pick anyone up at 6:30. In fact, they head to the gazebo to find Rory and Dean ("Stretch and Skinny") walking their way. Luke gets upset when he sees Dean is wearing "nice slacks," which means Luke's underdressed. Lorelai asks Luke not to say the word "slacks" anymore. Lorelai gives Luke a list of rules because Dean's going to think they're judging him, which they are. Lorelai is all, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" when she sees Rory and Dean, like they're precious babies taking their first steps. She's all, "Dean? Hi, hi, hi!" and sort of hugs him with a handshake. Dean is about a foot taller than Luke. Heh. Lorelai tells them they're picking up takeout at JoJo's, and then hitting the Black, White and Read Bookstore. Tonight they're playing Cool Hand Luke. Luke says he could make the food at his place, but the other three say they can't. Dean explains to Luke, making Luke feel like the outsider and new guy, that they can't get take-out from Luke's because the food is too good and you have to eat it right away, but the other place has bad food, so it doesn't matter how long it sits before you...you guys don't care, do you? I didn't think so. Anyway, I hope they don't pick up anything with eggs in it, for their sake. Dean shaved again.
Bookstore. It's not the usual bookstore, and it sort of looks like the Independence Inn. Kirk is distracted, and is interrupted by their arrival. This is because nobody has come to the bookstore but these four people who can't just let the town have one night off from its quirk. There's an argument about how Luke paid twenty bucks for a dollar movie, and for some reason Luke doesn't want any change. Luke and Dean want to sit in the same place. Luke's getting grumpier and grumpier. Rory's happy to see that it's empty. Lorelai is too, because that means she can talk during the movie. Like that's ever stopped her before. Luke says words to that very effect. "We would have hesitated ever so slightly," Lorelai lies. Kirk welcomes everyone to the theatre, and informs them that they don't have the first reel ofCool Hand Luke tonight because it caught on fire earlier this evening. Lorelai makes the horrible joke, "That's what happens when Richard Pryor's your projectionist." Hey, why not follow that one up with a Christopher Reeve joke, Lor? Kirk offers to do a recap (hey!), or act out the first twenty minutes. Lorelai says she can't handle that again after Kirk's re-enactment of Last Tango In Paris. Anyway, blah blah blah, Pippi Longstocking. The girls are so happy to see this movie again. They bounce and shout and cheer and they're so damn happy. This movie was the creepiest, weirdest thing when I was a kid. I thought maybe it was porn, the way the film looked all funny and the mouths weren't matching the sound, and how weird Pippi was and how nobody seemed to mind how bad she was. She was such a bad kid. I would have been in such trouble for acting like Pippi. You can't sleep with your shoes on the pillow. You can't do that, Pippi. Anyway, Dean gets in that he's seen it three times with them, and Luke admits he's never seen it. Lorelai: "We got us a Pippi virgin." Rory: "I didn't think there were any left." They tell him that this film is a classic of surrealism, bizarre cinematography, atonal singing, and forced acting. Lorelai and Rory immediately burst into the theme song. Dean laughs and eats fries. Luke's hair is fried, and fluffs all over his head. Someone give him back the baseball cap. The pot calls the kettle black when he calls Pippi's hair "unbelievable." He then gives Dean the stink-eye for putting his arm around Rory. Jealous, Luke? I mean, Dean just got halfway to first with a Gilmore. That's tough to do on camera.
Later. Pippi holds up a horse. Dean tells Rory it's not a bad effect. Rory thinks George Lucas isn't too scared of it all. Everybody's got their arms crossed. Luke complains that he can't hear the movie over Lorelai's talking. Pippi jumps into the tub, splashing water everywhere. So grounded! Bad Pippi! Luke wonders why every merchant in town takes Pippi's gold coins without questioning it. Lorelai tells Luke that Pippi's father is a cannibal king, and everyone knows they're lousy with money. Luke realizes that he should probably read the book. He gives another glare toward Dean and Rory: "Hey, you wanna pass the popcorn there, buddy?" Dean starts to pass it, but Lorelai sees that they're "below quarter full," which means Rory AND Dean should go replace it. Gah. Rory and Dean leave for popcorn and drinks, only to find Kirk making out with his girlfriend. How come the only people getting laid on this show are the ones we don't want to watch getting laid? Lulu is very happy to see Rory and Dean and doesn't seem to mind that they just saw Kirk rubbing all over her body. Kirk leaves to get Dean more popcorn, telling Lulu to hold her thought. "I will," she says. Kirk tells Dean and Rory that Pippi is a much better make-out movie than the driver's ed films they have in their library.
Luke has his hand almost on Lorelai's butt. That's why they call him "Cool Hand." Lorelai tells him to drop his attitude. Luke says he doesn't like the way Dean was hogging the popcorn. Lorelai tells him to say "popcorn" more nicely. Luke complains that Dean is all over Rory. Lorelai says they were only holding hands. "Yeah, it was that innocent," Luke scoffs, hand still firmly on Lorelai's hip. He complains about the way Dean was slurping Rory's drink. Lorelai tells him to chill, for both her sake and Rory's. Rory and Dean return; Luke thanks Dean. Then we watch them watch the movie. Luke gives Dean another look. Oh, my God. I will never stop recapping this episode. I've crossed three time zones. I'm on my second cup of crap airplane coffee. We had a questionable lunch. The Robert Redford movie is almost over. My arm is cramping from writing this hunched on my side. I used to have to pee, but I don't anymore. This cannot be a good sign. Stee has watched every Mr. Show ever, and is now sleeping. Let's get to Bop It. If I can get to Bop It, I'm gonna make it.
I didn't make it to Bop It. I'm in New York now, and it's the day. I'm in a coffee shop, sitting to Stee, who forgot all of his CDs on the plane. This is so unlike him that he's beating himself up something good. We woke up in Djb's bed, and now we're working at his coffee shop. I ran Djb's morning run this morning. Later, I might wear his coat. He's feeding our cats. He woke up in our bed and he's working our coffee shop. We swapped homes for a week. Talk about a Freaky Friday. Anyway...I'm going to finish this recap before I finish this latte. I've been recapping through time zones. Remember Naked Guy? I saw him forever ago. Remember when it was raining in Los Angeles? I don't anymore.
Oh, and in that time I've even done more wedding planning. Jeez, we've been through a lot during this recap. Anyway, I planned the rehearsal dinner menu with the restaurant. I kept asking for free things to be thrown into the cost until eventually the man asked me to come back when the owner was going to be around. Gah. I always push it too far! Whatever, I totally got the crab cakes on the menu.
Lane cleans Luke's dark diner because she's the only person in Stars Hollow who actually works forty hours a week. MfTL storms in and pouts over to Lane, saying he needs to talk to her. He says that Lane has known him for two years and knows his good and bad moments. She's even seen him cry during Dances With Wolves; not even his parents have seen him do that. He says that she of all people should know that it takes him a while to process things. It took him a long time to get the chord progression in "Brian's Tune." (Gone: The Mr. Show DVD that Stee was watching on the plane. I do hope someone turns in his CD holder. The new Björk, Grandaddy, Postal Service, Dizzee Rascal, Mudvillain, the new REM, The Shins: I'm saying, what Stee lost would send Seth Cohen into a drooling, fetal mess.) MfTL: "Now, I may not be fast, but that's what we're dealing with here. And this issue with me and you is going to take longer than a chord change. Okay?" He says he hopes Lane wasn't expecting An Officer and a Gentleman just then. You know what's crazy? Just that very afternoon I got this letter:
Dear Pamie,
Love your Gilmore Girls recaps. I missed a few episodes last year and was a bit out of loop on some things. Your recaps are the only ones I found detailed enough to satisfy my need to know more than just the basic gist of what happened. One thing I didn't find, though: did Lane and Dave officially break up? Or did they just never talk to each other after Lane's mom tried to have her send him that jug that she thought was the marriage jug? It doesn't seem like that was resolved. Anyway, keep up the good work.
Kelly
To which I replied:
Dave "moved to California" for college, but since The O.C. became the biggest show ever, they just stopped talking about Dave entirely. Unfortunately. I keep hoping this means when Gilmore Girls is cancelled, Dave will bust in all An Officer and a Gentleman-style, pick Lane up and carry her into the sunset.
-p
Just in case they're looking for a volunteer to write that episode, I'm totally raising my hand right now. Lane and mfTL say they're clear and good. Lane asks if he's hungry. He is. She asks what he wants, propelling him into another tantrum, asking for a minute. Lane runs to the other side of the counter, giving her slow boyfriend plenty of oxygen that might reach his brain. Lane smiles, happy that someone likes her again. I wish Lane got to go to college and meet real boys. I mean, come on. How is this better than what she had with Dave? It isn't! And why does mfTL need to move his head to think? mfTL's bouncing like he's trying to move around all of the synapses to make them fire.
Pamie,
I just found Television Without Pity and have been reading your GG recaps. They're hilarious! I especially enjoyed the details of your upcoming wedding. As someone who was married for twenty-four years: DON'T DO IT! All right, go ahead and do it, but remember it's a crapshoot. You can intellectualize all you like, but it boils down to this: you guys will change over the years (especially if you have kids). The question is whether you change in compatible ways or incompatible ways, and you have absolutely no way of predicting. Okay enough of the bitter old divorced-person stuff. My daughter and I watch GG together every week and sometimes I fall asleep, so the recaps help. But I have a question: who is mfTL? I can't find where you first used the term. Thanks.
Despite all the advice, I do believe I'm still going to get married.
Luke, Lorelai, Dean, and Rory enter Lorelai's house, still talking about Pippi Longstocking. Lorelai offers everyone a beer, which Dean gladly accepts. This makes Luke scoff, because Dean's so young. But Dean and Rory have been underage drinking for over a year now, and Dean's married, so I think legally he can totally drink alcohol. Luke looks like he's already drunk and now crazy, as he grumps that Dean isn't twenty-one yet. Dean flashes a cute dimple, but I'm still not giving him his old prefix. It's not Jared Padalecki's fault; they've made the character devoid of character. Dean says he'll have something other than a beer if Luke's got a problem with it. Luke calls Dean "buddy" -- I hate it when guys do that -- and says that Dean can have a beer, since he's so tall and in slacks. Someone fix Luke's hair. Lorelai asks what she can bring Dean. He asks for water. Luke tells him to put some barley and hops in it, since nobody's judging him. Since it is Lorelai's house, she says she'll bring out enough beers for everyone, but hopefully Rory won't drink them all. Can't someone tell Luke it's time for him to go home? Why are they even bothering with his crabby ass? I needed Luke to tell off that woman sitting in front of me on the plane yesterday. Her Windsong's still on my tongue. Lorelai leaves.
Rory can't figure out how to get Dean and Luke together again, so she reminds them that they were once on a softball team together. Dean says it was just a pick-up game. Luke and Dean walk to opposite sides of the room as Rory goes on and on about that game, and how they were a part of the best team Stars Hollow has ever had. I guess a school just let out around this coffee shop, because it has become swarmed with children, who are running around, screaming, eating scones. Kids ordering scones. I've seen everything. No: here's how I just saw everything. I looked up in frustration because of the screaming and the children, and sitting across from me making the same, exhausted face, is Eyebrows. I am living a WB life without any of the WB payroll. Well, here's hoping it comes with the WB wardrobe. The baristas just blasted Beck, hoping to lull the children into some kind of slumber, but the bedlam is making it difficult for me to hear the episode. How appropriate that I'm surrounded with childlike behavior, considering what's about to happen in this scene. Rory is reduced to humming, "Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum-dum." Then Lorelai asks her if that's a song. Rory says it was just "Dum-dee-dum-dum."
Lorelai leaves to get the Bop It. Rory is very happy to hear it's time for Bop It. Lorelai and Rory ask who wants to play. Dean says he's played the game here before. Lorelai decides Luke and Dean should play Bop It. Rory and Lorelai play a practice game to explain the rules. I've never seen a Bop It before, and it should be renamed Obnoxious It. It's just a crackhead Simon. Dean and Luke begrudgingly play an increasingly aggressive round of Bop It. Lorelai warns them not to hurt the toy, since it has feelings, too. The hitting and smacking and flicking continue as Dean focuses on the game and Luke stares Dean down. Lorelai and Rory try to get them to stop playing, but it's too late. Luke wins. He screams, "In your face!" twice to Dean. "I hammered you, buddy!" Dean: "It's just a stupid game." Luke: "Says the loser!" Dean, understandably, decides to leave. He kisses Rory goodbye and says he'll call her later. "Thanks a lot," Rory says to Luke. And then Lorelai gives Rory a "Rory," like she has no place complaining about Luke's chasing away her boyfriend. Rory says that they shouldn't have gone out, and that this whole thing was a huge mistake. Unfortunately, she's not talking about the episode. Luke says that Dean had a chip on his shoulder. Rory tells Luke he's the reason they had to pull out the Bop It, a toy that only makes appearances at awkward gatherings. Holy shit, did anyone notice the scary clown cushion in Lorelai's living room? It's hideous and I'll never sleep again. Rory leaves to go back to Yale.
Luke says he feels awful. Lorelai says that this is all her fault, since she forced this gathering. Well, that's sort of true, but only because nobody has talked to Rory and Dean about what their relationship means or what they want from everyone else. Luke says that he can't be around Dean: "I knew that and I said yes anyway." Luke says that Dean's not good for Rory: "He's not right for her." Lorelai says Luke has to let the past go, and that he probably doesn't even remember why he's mad at Dean. Luke: "He's a punk. That's what I remember. Just look at his history. He broke her heart before." Well, actually, Rory dumped Dean. Lorelai tells Luke that he doesn't know the whole story. Luke complains that Dean got married and bailed out before the honeymoon was even over. I love how these two are actually having a discussion about what marriage is and isn't supposed to be. Do you wipe your angelic brow with your divorce papers or Lorelai's failed engagement? Luke: "He was pining for Rory and he got married. That's unstable." No, that's YOU. Why does it look like Luke's wearing lipstick? He says that Dean never knows what he wants, so he can't be trusted now. Lorelai says that matters of the heart aren't science, and are never sure things. Luke says that Dean's not good enough for Rory. Lorelai asks, "Well, who is? Jess?" Luke says not Jess, but a prince. A real prince who will one day be king. Not a prince who's waiting for a brother to die, nor a prince who, say, sometimes pays for a woman named Nikki to give him a grind. Luke explains that Rory is like Pippi: "She can have adventures, and be free. She's smart. The whole world's waiting for her. Pippi is strong and independent. She can lift a horse above her head. And beat up bullies and build a hot air balloon. She's unique. Like Rory." Luke says that if Pippi had met Dean, she wouldn't have had any adventures, Dean would have brought her down to his level and spent all her gold coins. Right. That already happened to Rory. It's what happened when she dated Jess. He crashed her car!
I wish they'd just let Rory be single and have school things or Paris things or even Stars Hollow things. Actually, I think what happened is that we outgrew Rory. She's fine. We don't need her anymore. She never had a bad streak; she never decided to break out of her mold. She didn't question anything or take on any kind of challenges outside of a really thick book. Has Rory changed one thing about her personality in four years? I really don't think so. Characters have to grow and change. Even Lorelai has gone through some emotional changes since the show began, in her dealings with her parents and how she views romantic entanglements. She's made big changes in her career and her friendships. But Rory has always been Rory, and that's why we don't truly care who she dates, because we've been through these two relationships with her over and over again for four years. You guys, Paris has had more character development. Even Dean has had more development, and he hasn't even done anything.
Luke asks Lorelai if she's okay with this "Dean thing." Lorelai deflates and moans that she just needs this to work. What to work? And why? Luke calms down, realizing that he's upsetting everyone he cares about. You know who else has done that? Rory. So go get her, Luke. Make her apologize to someone, or at least figure out what she wants from all of this. Luke and Lorelai hug and decide to drink beers. They plop down on the couch. "Maybe if I had brought out the Twister," Lorelai wonders.
Emily is writing when Richard enters, dressed in suit and tie. He says he hopes this isn't a bad time. Emily says she was catching up on some correspondence. Richard tells her he's contesting their property tax bill, and he wanted to let her know in case they call. "Oh, and I've joined a barbershop quartet," he adds on his way out. "We do it upright," he says, making me wonder how many other positions the quartet could take. He says they wear silly vests and have performed a couple of times at charity events. "Very good," says Emily. Richard stops when he sees the panic room. "I bought a panic room," she tells him. "Very good," he responds, and then leaves.
Rory and her damn Prius. She stops on the street corner, where Dean apparently hangs out often. The sound editing in this scene is so weird. They must have looped in the dialogue later, but it is really distracting. Dean says the night was a bust, but that he still wants Rory to thank Lorelai for him. Rory says that it was fun for a while, though. Dean says that the movie was fun. "Like the old days," they agree. Dean says he'd invite Rory up, but that Kyle's entertaining "some buddies." Rory says she should go. She offers Dean a ride, but he says he's almost there. Again, these two are so bad at being in love. A chance to be alone in a car in the dark? No. A quick kiss on his way down the street? Sure. Boring! Ooh. What if Dean's seeing Lindsay on the side, and that's why he doesn't want Rory to drive him home? I love it. That's what I'll pretend so that something is going on in this episode. Rory drives away and we watch the entire thing, because there are all these extra minutes in this episode they forgot to fill with stuff happening, so we keep having to watch entrances and exits.
Peace out, people, I recapped this episode for days. week my homie with mad skillz M. Giant, new papa and recent brain blast survivor, will be filling you in on all the craziness Stars Hollow has to offer, when everyone's favorite deadbeat dad dares to grace us with his presence.