We open in Richard's poolhouse, where Lorelai calls the butler "Jeeves" and asks that her drink be shaken, not stirred. I guess Lorelai is getting used to the help around the house, and has stopped thinking of them as real people. She explains that she thought every butler's name was Jeeves. Richard calmly informs Lorelai that he is not a butler, nor is he named Jeeves. He's a valet, which isn't so much a car-parker, but someone who attends to Richard's needs. "So he's a geisha," Lorelai concludes. Richard tells his daughter she'll be much quieter after her martini. He asks Rory about her second year of Yale, which she starts this week. She says she moves into Branford on Monday. Richard says he lived in Branford College as well. "I know," Rory says. Richard says it's one of the oldest residential colleges, and has some impressive bells. Robert Frost said it had the most beautiful college courtyard in America. Rory says she'd like to have lunch there with Richard once she's all settled. The valet reminds Richard that he wanted to bring out the Hungarian cheese. Richard stands up to fetch it, leaving Lorelai and Rory to gossip about how crazy it is that Richard is living in the poolhouse, with a valet, fixing his own cheese in the semi-kitchen. Lorelai thinks her father is happy out here with his books and his "special friend," who lives with him and tends to his every need. Rory asks her mother not to be so gross about her grandfather. "Don't be so puritanical," Lorelai says. "After all, Heather Has Two Mommies." Richard brings over the cheese and the girls show off their philosopher coasters. Emily's maid shows up at the door to announce that dinner is served in the main house. The valet informs Richard. Lorelai says they haven't finished their drinks. "But the madam is ready now," Emily's maid frets. Richard says it's been a lovely evening. "Until week." Lorelai tries to gulp down her martini as Rory thanks him.
Lorelai complains about being served soup in "hundred-degree weather." Emily has the air conditioning on. "I like it, Gramma," says Rory. "My God, the sucking up," Lorelai says. I agree, but also, Lorelai, how comfortable do you need your weekly free meal to be? Emily asks Rory what's new. Rory says, "Nothing much," which causes Emily to ask what was new twenty minutes ago. She's jealous that Richard got the good conversation before she had a chance to hear anything, and now she wants the girls to repeat, verbatim, the conversation they had with Richard. Rory says she's going to Branford; Emily tells her about the grounds and Robert Frost and blah blah blah Hungarian cheesecakes. Emily is upset to find out she's repeated Richard's trivia nuggets and thinks the girls are "all talked out." When has a Gilmore ever been "talked out"? Richard tries to tiptoe through the dining room because he needs something in his office. Emily tells him that he must make an appointment to enter the house, because he lives in the poolhouse now. Richard and Emily fight as Rory and Lorelai stare at each other, wishing they could disappear. Emily asks what would have happened if he came in without an appointment and she was in the living room stark naked. Richard says that Emily has never been stark naked. In fact, they went skinny-dipping once and she wore an overcoat. Emily: "The water was freezing!" Richard and Emily chase each other deeper into the house to continue arguing. "Crazy," Rory mopes. Lorelai: "You said it, Patsy Cline."
Luke's. Lorelai and Rory wear good clothes and discuss why we even have the word "potty." It gives Lorelai the creeps. Rory, apparently, always said "bathroom," even when she was a little girl. Rory explains that "going potty" is an action, whereas "go to the bathroom" is only a location. Hey, who's the new busboy? Rory! Pay attention! Luke walks up to take their order. Lorelai flirts an early morning "Hi." Luke grumps that he's working. Lorelai says this is the beginning of their relationship, so they're supposed to act stupid. Luke deadpans, "I'll do the chicken dance on my lunch break." Luke tells Rory that her breakfast is on the house, to celebrate her first day back at school. Lorelai is upset that Luke won't flirt with her in front of her daughter. No, that's why Luke is good, and you can't keep a man. What? I said it. Lorelai tries to get her breakfast for free as well, but Luke says she'll get her own tab. Lorelai: "Oh! Thank God you don't have a Latin accent or you'd be completely irresistible."
Luke leaves to place the order and Lorelai follows him. I swear, as she was walking up I was thinking, "What are those jeans -- Seven? They're awesome." Luke immediately tells Lorelai that those jeans are working for her. "Yeah?" Lorelai asks. "They're working for me, too," he adds. Lorelai leans against the counter and tells him he's flirting with her. Yeah, away from the daughter it's not so creepy, Lorelai. Buy a boundary. Use it. Lorelai tells Luke to flirt with her some more. Luke never looks up from his work as he flirts. "Your shoes work well with that shirt." Lorelai: "Gee, Carson, thanks." Hee. Luke says he'll have to do the rest of his flirting tonight. Lorelai: "What are we gonna do?" Luke: "I have some thoughts." Lorelai asks him to not take her to an art museum, and then the Hollywood Bowl, where he gives her diamond earrings that he bought with his college money, only to realize he's in love with his drummer best friend who was his driver for the night and delivers the excellent line, "Break his heart and I break your face." (I did that from my own movie memory, so Lorelai might have said it a little differently.) It's interesting that Lorelai identifies with the Lea Thompson role in that movie, since I always was the Mary Stuart Masterson in someone's life. Man, I watched the shit out of Some Kind of Wonderful. It is a very good soundtrack that I wish I had on CD. Now I just want to go watch Some Kind of Wonderful. Alas, I have no copy. Anyway, Luke soaks up the longest joke in this show's history and concludes, "Okay, I'll think of something else." And I have to wonder how many of their viewers got that joke, since this show seems to be leaning younger and younger with every season. But I'm glad it's there, since it's a wink to those of us who have been watching since before some of you were in high school. This show has been on so long some of you graduated high school.
Oh, man. See, Keith -- Eric Stoltz -- tells his dad he used his college fund to buy these diamond earrings, and his dad, who's blue-collar, just wants the best for Keith. He really wants Keith to go to college so Keith doesn't have to be a mechanic anymore. But really Keith is an artist. He paints. So he doesn't want to go to college any more than he wants to be a mechanic. But when he's a mechanic he can paint. And be in love. So to win the rich girl, he buys her something she doesn't have -- the one thing she doesn't have: these diamond earrings. And they offend her because rich girls get offended when poor guys try to come up to their level ["only Amanda Jones isn't rich; she's 'from our sector,' or whatever the quote is, and just hangs out with rich girls and borrows their diamond earrings" -- Wing Chun], and Craig Sheffer is the poor man's Spader, but all of this is to say that my favorite line is when Keith tells his dad he spent the college fund and Keith's dad's all mad and he goes, "Oh, Keith, you're only eighteen." And Keith throws his towel and goes, "Then I'm nineteen. Then I'm twenty. Dad, when does my life belong to me?!" It's awesome and hysterical and exactly how you feel at eighteen. Some of you will learn that in the two years, when you turn eighteen. Until then, please rent Some Kind of Wonderful.
Lorelai does that thing she does here where she asks her fella to be her secret boyfriend, because Lorelai is so embarrassed to date people. She asks Luke if they should keep it quiet from everybody, I guess because he wasn't flirty enough with her just now in the middle of his restaurant, or when they were trying to kiss by a parade. Lorelai offers to add a little jaunt to her walk as she leaves, for Luke's benefit. Rory asks Lorelai what she's going to wear on her very first real date with Luke (glass slippers, backwards baseball cap, and nothing else). It's weird that Rory and Lorelai talk about the actual sex stuff with each other. I mean, I want my mom to be happy, but when she starts trying to tell me about the particulars of her sexual relationships, there's an instinctual, visceral reaction inside of me. I have to stop myself from pushing her, which is the natural reaction to your mom talking about her sex life, and instead I transfer that energy into a sound like "Noooo!" or "Shut up!" or "Gaaaah!" She gets it now, but for a little while, man. It was rough being the daughter of a single woman. Here's a tip, from me to you: to finally get her to stop doing it, I told her that if she didn't want to hear me tell her whatever tidbit she was about to share, then she shouldn't tell me. So if she tries to tell me about some weird bruise she got from some headboar--...NOOOO!!!....anyway, if she didn't want to hear me talk about...a coupling...then she can't say it to me. It's working. But sometimes I still have to cover my ears and go "BLAH BLAH BLAH! MY MOM'S A VIRGIN! BLAH BLAH BLAH!" Hey, does anybody care if I even recap the rest of this? Because I could just stream-of-consciousness away here. Oh, you want the recap? Fine. I'm just sayin'. We could have all gone for ice cream. Lorelai tries to ask Rory if she's talked to CuteDean, but Rory goes all twitchy and quiet. Luckily, Luke brings over the breakfast, and warns the girls that there are hot plates coming through. Lorelai: "See? He called me 'Hot Plates.' He soooo likes me?" Luke looks around at all the people they weren't going to tell they were dating, and says, "Jeez."
Emily looks up from her very important paper to announce to her maid that the mail must be here: "The Farthingtons' dogs are apoplectic." Emily goes on and on about how stupid and ugly their dogs are, but there's nobody in the room to listen to her. The maid hands her the mail. Emily thanks her and asks for some coffee. You know, I never thought there was any reason for me to have a maid, but the sudden realization that someone could fold the towels that just finished in the dryer and then refill my coffee cup...I mean, that's a pretty sweet deal. Or I could just have a kid and wait eight years. Maybe I'll do that one. It's not cheaper, but in the long run you get more bang for your buck. And, you know, Mother's Day. Emily asks her maid to call Richard's valet to make an appointment for a meeting this afternoon. Emily takes her coffee cup and walks through her house, screaming at the neighbors' dogs to shut up.
Rory learned something from her grandmother, and is now barking at some movers to be careful with her couch as they carry it to her dorm room. Rory ditches the movers to say hello to Marty. The movers are standing there like, "We get paid by the hour, lady." Marty and Rory hug. They're both living in that dorm. The movers sit down on the couch, exhausted and tired of being Rory's servants. Rory half-heartedly apologizes and says she should let them in. She asks Marty how his summer was. "I met Nicole Richie," he says. "And then spent the six weeks showering."
Rory is surprised to see that Paris isn't in her dorm room yet. The movers are so sick of Rory. They're looking at each other, shaking their heads, wondering how deep inside Yale this girl's couch is gonna go. Rory can't believe Paris isn't already here, claiming the best room and setting up everything, so she calls her.
Paris is in all black, sitting in a study. She is weary, and tells Rory she'll be at the room later. "Asher's dead," she says. "He died two weeks ago in Oxford." Okay, we're going to move on from how this doesn't really make any sense, but first I have to list all of the reasons why. What doesn't make sense is that this "esteemed" and "beloved" and "awarded" professor, who happens to be a very close friend of Richard's, died fourteen days ago and nobody knows but Paris? Yale doesn't know? School starts today; you'd think someone would have told Yale that Asher's not coming in. Ever. And there's no mention in the paper? The Oxford...English...Diction-- look, I've never been to Oxford. But I'm sure there's a paper. Paris tells Rory that Asher died of a heart attack, and that he went quickly. Rory, always full of couth and tact, immediately asks Paris if he died while they were having sex. Paris: "No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina. Okay?" He was teaching a Shakespeare class and had the heart attack during a Puck monologue. The class, at first, thought he was acting. Okay, going back to my main complaint. He died at the school, which means there was a class, which means the school knows he died, which means Yale knows he died, which means the alumni center knows he died, which means New Haven knows he died, which means even my mom in Ansonia would know he died, which means Richard would know he died, and Rory would know he died, and two weeks ago there would have been a memorial and everybody would know that Paris was in mourning and...[breathing out]. Paris says she's in Asher's flat, trying to get his things scored away. By flat, does she mean she's in Oxford? Because people don't have flats over here. Paris complains about Asher's kids, and how spoiled they are, wanting this piece of furniture or that. Paris says that the lawyer handling Asher's affairs is a moron. And she's still dealing with the funeral. Asher wants to be cremated, but the Oxford crematorium was filthy, so she shipped his body to Cambridge, which is known for its cremation facilities. His daughter was upset with the move, but "where was she at Thanksgiving?" Paris. She's his daughter. And she was there at the hospital, or at least maybe his granddaughter was. Regardless, the man has family, people who have known him for decades longer than Paris has, and...[breathing out]. Rory pretends to ask if there's anything she can do to help. Paris says, "I'm sad." Rory: "I know." Paris: "Bye." Rory hangs up and tells Marty that Asher died. "In bed?" he asks. "No." Marty: "Damn. I lost the pool."
So now we're supposed to always recognize the newspaper stand as a hang-out, even though they only used it once to introduce the quickly-forgotten Bootsy, and once in the last episode. Anyway, this is where Miss Patty, Babette, and some other woman hang out and gossip. Their mission: make their shirts clash as loudly as possible. Lorelai picks up a paper and leans in for the scuttlebutt. Jerry Cutler's new wife, Annabelle, isn't twenty-four at all. She's thirty-six. Babette's happy that "Jerry the Moron" wound up with "a tramp who's actually older than the wife he dumped her for." Lorelai leaves, and the ladies go back to pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more.
Richard and Emily sit across from each other at their dining-room table, having their meeting. They divvy up bills and meetings, taking notes. Then there's the matter of the oil stain in the driveway from when Richard was working on his Cadillac. You'd think he'd have been more impressed with CuteDean when he made Rory that car. Emily can't stand to see the stain every day as she leaves for her vehicle. Richard is amazed that Emily can see the driveway with her nose way up in the air. He immediately apologizes for being so rude. Emily tells him to keep his cars in the garage. Richard says he'll park his cars anywhere he likes. Emily tells Richard to work on his cars at the filling station, since it's already filthy over there. Richard refuses to drive ten miles to work on his priceless antique cars to a broken-down Chevy. "So this is the way it's going to be from now on?" he asks. Emily supposes it is. Richard says that the "filling station" will be fine. Antique cars and filling stations. thing you know they'll pull on a pair of dungarees.
Yale. Coffee kiosk. There's a giant group hug reunion going on behind Rory and Marty as Marty tells Rory that, over the summer, he learned that his Uncle Jerry was actually his father. He has taken the news surprisingly well. Marty asks Rory what she did over the summer. "We so should have started with me," she says, the Gilmore motto. Some douche totally bumps into Marty on purpose. Marty apologizes. "No, seriously, you couldn't see me there?" asks Douche One. These guys must have studied a few John Hughes movies before this scene, since one's dressed in a red sweater vest, an item that hasn't been worn by a "richie" or a "popular kid" since Ducky sang Otis. His name is Colin. Also these guys are all sort of British and kind of Australian, so that's off-putting. But he's not the leader of the group. They let you know that the blond is the leader because he's got a girl crunched under his arm. He recognizes Marty as the guy he hired to bartend a party over the summer. He informs Rory that Marty makes a mean margarita. Gay. What I wouldn't have known on my own is that I've recapped this blond before. He played Sean onYoung Americans. I have to be careful not to tread over in those recaps, because I'll spend three hours remembering my life back in 2000, and how those eight recaps became a part of my life I'll never forget. Like delicious, refreshing, Coca-Cola. Head Douche asks Marty if he's still a broke-ass so that he can hire him for other parties. Marty is, and that's why he's living in the expensive Yale housing. Douche Colin then makes a crack about Marty's shirt. He who lives in sweater vests shouldn't throw...bobbins? Spools? Knitting needles? Huh. Head Douche tells Colin to stop being an ass. He says he's not an ass, since he's afraid of all people, both large and (he turns to look back at Marty before finishing) "very, very small." Whatever, dude. Go iron your pleats. Marty tells Rory he kind of hates those guys. Rory says she can't see why. She also didn't bother to say a damn word when people were assholes to her friend's face. I wish Rory would grow a spine. And use it to stand up straight. Girl's got an S-curve that makes me think she should see a doctor. Moths. "He who lives in sweater vests shouldn't throw moths." I'm awesome!
Rory comes home to find Paris, who has moved things around and switched bedrooms. Now that Rory has the smaller room, she'll find she's also got less sunlight, and therefore at less of melanoma. Paris is in a black...pantsuit? Is that a pantsuit? Is the budget so blown on Rory and Lorelai that everybody else is wearing Goodwill clearance items? From Miss Patty and Babette, to those same suits Emily and Richard are always wearing, I'm worried about the state of fashion on this show. Because I've got nothing better to do for five seconds. Rory and Paris share an emotionless hug. Paris hangs up a picture and complains about Asher's granddaughter, and how she would have stuffed the casket in her purse, if she thought it was worth anything. Rory tells Paris she doesn't have to take care of all this. Paris says she wants Asher's memory to be respected. Rory. Call your grandfather! Asher left Paris his manuscripts, which Paris is happy about, but knows that once the granddaughter finds out, it'll be the "mountain girl trial all over again." I didn't know what that meant, either. Here. Paris tells Rory she wants to have a wake in Asher's honor...in their dorm room. Well, there's no body, but I guess they can still call it a wake. But shouldn't Paris try to move it to a better location? I mean, can you have a wake in a room with a MicroFridge? Paris gets a phone call from Asher's lawyer. She asks him, "I'm sorry, did you take the bar or just hang out in one?"
Lorelai leaves all pretty for her date (although I don't understand the ruffles of the shirt), and runs into pretty Luke, who was just about to pick her up. They have an awkward moment where they discuss how each one thought the other wanted to meet somewhere else. They head back to the truck. Lorelai tells him they'll get better at this.
So for their very first date, Luke has decided to take Lorelai to a bar, or at the very least, a Bennigans. Like a local Bennigans. And okay, but come on. I know Lorelai would prefer the noise, but she'd also rather be where there's a scene. This place is no scene. As they scoot into their booth (their booth!), Lorelai sounds impressed that there's a piece of paper that says "Reserved" jammed to the salt, pepper, and ketchup. Lorelai asks if they're supposed to have someone who works there seat them. Those Gilmore girls sure are getting uppity as they get older. Lorelai asks if this is some kind of mafia thing -- his preferential, waiter-less treatment, and if they'll have to whack someone later. Luke says he filled his whacking quota for the week. They agree: Dirty!
"Lucas!" shouts Mrs. LandingGod. "You just seat yourself now?" Lorelai grows a Southern accent to scold, "I told 'im!" Mrs. LandingGod tells Luke they run a nice business here: "Not like that hash joint of yours." She introduces herself to Lorelai as Maize. "I love your place," Lorelai lies. "Used to be a whorehouse!" Mrs. LandingGod brags. "I like that it's got a tarty history; the best places do." Well, Mrs. LandingGod, wait until you visit Rory's bedroom. Mrs. LandingGod tells Luke to sit and calls for "Buddy." He's introduced to Lorelai. "Hello, Buddy," she says, like she just met a special-needs child who was wearing a bucket on his head. Mrs. LandingGod tells Lorelai that this is a special night for them, since Luke never brings his "girls" around. Wow. A serious girlfriend and a wife, and he's never brought anybody else around? And where is this place that nobody's ever heard of it before? And "who ARE these people?" Mrs. LandingGod orders sparking water and champagne for the table, despite Luke's request for a beer. Lorelai is so insulting when she says, "My goodness! What a big menu!" Shut up and order your curly fries, Lorelai. Buddy and Maize decide to serve them something that involves a hacking hand motion, but no garlic, since Luke's on a date. Someone in the back is wearing a suit. Luke isn't, but maybe this is some kind of steakhouse that goes for a homey kind of feel. Like a fancy Steak & Ale. A Super Sizzler. Mrs. LandingGod tells Lorelai that Luke's a special guy. "That's the word on the street," Lorelai says as Mrs. LandingGod leaves.
"They know you!" Lorelai marvels, thinking she's the only person in the world who met the man in the diner. Luke tells Lorelai he comes to this joint two or three times a week. I wonder what else is going on in Luke's secret life. Lorelai can't believe Luke has a Luke's. Mrs. LandingGod went to school with Luke's mom, so he's known them his entire life. Buddy helped him turn his dad's hardware store into a diner: "I couldn't have done it without him." I can see how important he is to you, since this is the first mention of him in almost a hundred episodes. Lorelai declares her love for this nameless place, even though she hasn't even been served water yet. Lorelai asks how long Maize and Buddy have owned this place. Luke tells Lorelai that the story is on the back of the menu. Everybody grab something to drink; we're going to be here for a mighty long time. Actually, the beauty of the recap is I can just quickly -- how should I put this? -- recap it. Beloved dog dies, restaurant is named. Ta da. And this place is called "Sniffy's Tavern," so maybe it's not as upscale as I keep trying to make it. I love how someone had to make a menu and laminate it, since it was going to be the star of an endless scene. What other menu in the history of television and film has been read from beginning to end in order to fill a scene? None, I say.
The champagne is served. Luke toasts to Lorelai. "I'll drink to that," she says. Luke: "Yup, I definitely hate champagne." Were two people more perfectly suited for each other, I ask you? He hates everything but Lorelai; she feels exactly the same way. Lorelai asks Luke if he remembers the first time they met. She can't, but he does. It was lunch. He was trying to work during a very busy rush. She burst through the door asking for coffee, interrupting him, bothering him constantly while he was trying to work. He told her to wait her turn. She followed him around, talking. He finally turned to her and told her she was being annoying. Lorelai says that the woman he's talking about sounds delightful. She hassled him for his birthday, finally got it, and ripped out his horoscope, on which she wrote something and then handed it to him. Lorelai: "God. Seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?" On the piece of paper she had written, "You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away." Luke gave her coffee, but she didn't go away. She told him to hold onto the horoscope and to put it in his wallet. Luke pulls out his wallet and shows Lorelai that he still keeps that horoscope, through a marriage. Maybe if this show were even slightly campy, even a little more like The O.C., then they could get away with the way they treat wedding vows. Then we wouldn't feel icky about Lorelai's leaving Max at the altar, or Luke's elopement and divorce, or CuteDean's cheating on Lindsay, or Christopher's wanting to be with Lorelai when he's got another baby on the way. And this weird way they treat commitment makes it hard to care about any relationship once they do commit, because Lorelai and Rory don't truly want anybody but each other, and destroy anybody who comes close to either of them. Jess got hurt. CuteDean gets repeatedly hurt. Max got hurt. Rune got hurt. The dude from the business school? I can't even remember what happened to him. So now that Lorelai and Luke have "finally" gotten together, it's hard to feel excited for them, because it already seems doomed. It was doomed from their first kiss. This is the last season, surely, and it will end with Lorelai and Rory alone in their house, the inn gone, their boys moved far away, as they settle down to watch Grey Gardens again. (By the way, since that last recap, I've seen that movie. It's terrifying when you see yourself in it, but you will. Oh, but you will.)
I know, I know, this is the scene that made many of you squee and I'm ruining it by getting sour right before the good line. But I just want to explain why this episode gets a B, and it's not just because the side storylines in this episode are lame (Rory's new slew of potential boyfriends, Emily and Richard bickering, Paris doesn't weep for the death of the love of her life), but because we waited five years for this part of the story. Five years of wondering how it would be, and for the most part, it's exactly as it was before they started dating. There's no anxiousness of trying to see each other but not being able to. They tried that with a cell phone, but it still wasn't any different than if Lorelai was waiting for a new pot of coffee to brew. They aren't keeping it a secret, really, so there's nothing to cover up, like she had with Digger. Nobody wants to keep them apart, and even Rory's all for it. So they could completely just date, which should be the reason that they either have a hard time with it, or won't get out of bed because that's what really happens when you start dating someone you've been lusting after for years. Lorelai and Luke should be totally holed up in the honeymoon suite at the Dragonfly, and the inn's going to shit because Lorelai won't put her clothes on for five minutes. It's destroying her relationship with Sookie, who is now suddenly having to take orders from Michel, because he's taken over with Lorelai on her back. Rory misses her mom, which makes her resent Luke, which makes her sabotage the diner with Lane. They plot to get Kirk to keep Lorelai and Luke from seeing each other. Lorelai and Luke even can have a little pregnancy scare. Or their first real fight. Or Emily wants to meet Luke and have an awkward lunch where they have to sit equidistant from the house and the poolhouse. Something. Something. Make something happen. But reading menus and telling long stories about a horoscope that Lorelai gave you eight years ago that said she'll be coming by for coffee for the forever? We're used to that. We've seen that. Shit, there were hotter scenes between Jess and Rory when they were fighting in a sprinkler system, in the worst episode of this show's history. So I'm disappointed with this coupling because we've waited so long for it and they just handed it to us. Blah. Like they vomited it on the table because we asked for it. "Here. Here's your Luke and Lorelai. What do you call yourselves on that other forum? The one with all the banned posters? 'Java Junkies'? Here you go. Squee on that, bitches." It just feels so obligatory, that's all. This show can be so romantic, and it's just not happening here, with the one heterosexual relationship that has actually had development over the seasons. I suppose I should go back to recapping. I'll get down off this box now, but while I'm up here, does anybody need some soap?
Luke gets serious with Lorelai and lets her know that in "this thing [they're] doing," he's all in: "I am all in." This show's catering to that elusive young male demographic by using their vocabulary. all-in: When a player bets all his or her chips. This means Luke's banking everything on this hand, this lady, this heartbreaker in Jimmy Choos. If there was a sound to go with what Lorelai does upon hearing this revelation, it goes something like this: "Uh-GULP!" Luke asks Lorelai if this scares her. Lorelai takes a second to force her face into a smile (someone play some music in this place!), and remembers the old adage, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." She smiles hard enough that the strummy-strummy-la-la starts up...
...and concludes in Luke's bed. Clothes are strewn about, including a flannel, which makes me wonder if Luke changed into a flannel after their date and took it off as they went to bed. And the bottle of champagne is now at their bedside, which is also rather strange. Who drank the bottle, if Luke doesn't like it? Lorelai rests on Luke's chest, and tells him she can't believe he kept that horoscope. Luke says she's lucky he never cleans out his wallet. Lorelai says he can't take it back now: "You've exposed yourself. You've been pining for me." Because this is apparently news to her. Whatever, Lorelai. Luke asks to get something out of the way right now. Man, he's serious. you'll be meeting his mother. Careful, Lorelai, this guy is getting clingy. You hate that. Luke grabs a notebook out of his nightstand and asks Lorelai to tell him what CDs he needs to get so she won't complain. Luke's got some weird Chili Peppers-looking tattoo. Lorelai is so happy she has to sniff Luke's underarm. They kiss, but Lorelai would rather make her CD shopping list, so she does.
The alarm clock says it's 6, which is way too early to get up if you had a late date the night before. Luke apologizes to Lorelai, saying he forgot to turn the alarm off. Luke has no pillows; Lorelai has four, which is really more than Luke would have normally had. It looks like Luke went shopping in anticipation of having Lorelai spend the night, since he's got sheets and pillows and all kinds of things he didn't have when Jess lived there. Lorelai curls onto Luke's side and says she hates Early. He kisses her head. Lorelai says she needs to get up and go to work and the inn and buy shoes. She says she needs coffee. Luke says the coffee is all downstairs, but I remember him having a coffee maker in his kitchen. Lorelai kisses Luke's chest a few times and then hides behind sheets, pillows, clothes, her arms, a screen, a wall, and Kryptonite so that we can't see an inch of her naked flesh. Luke asks her where she's going. You live in a one-room efficiency over a diner where you told her the coffee was located. Where do you think she's going?
Lorelai buttons the flannel and steps downstairs. It must be a very quiet morning at Luke's, because she doesn't notice the restaurant is full of people eating breakfast until she enters the room. Everybody stares. A few cough. Lorelai backs away and heads upstairs.
"Well, I think people are gonna know," Lorelai tells Luke. Luke fakes sleepiness and asks Lorelai why she's wearing his shirt. Luke realizes that she walked into the open diner like that, and that people saw her. Luke says it's possible that nobody noticed. Lorelai: "Look at me!" Luke: "Well, you wear crazy outfits all the time." Lorelai: "They usually include pants." Luke says it's no big deal, and that everyone was going to find out eventually. They realize that they'll probably hear about it for the six months, but agree that it's no big deal. Luke leaves to get Lorelai's coffee.
Paris brings out a stack of Asher's books and asks for more candles. Rory doesn't bother to put down her book for a second to help Paris with her wake, and instead tells her where the candles are, just like Emily would have wanted her to. Rory asks if she can help, so Paris hands her a stack of fliers. Rory looks shocked, since she wasn't actually offering to help, but was just going through the motions. Paris wants the entire school to know that there's a place to come and mourn Asher, who more and more is looking like he wasn't so important on the Yale campus.
Rory runs into the Douches outside her dorm room. One's named Finn, the other's Colin, and head Douche is Logan. They stand outside Rory's dorm room because Finn's sure the girl he's hot for lives in that room. Logan doesn't remember Rory, which she finds to be even ruder than the fact that they're disappointed that neither Rory nor Paris is the hot girl in question. Another disappointment in all the potential relationships for Rory is that she has two categories of boy: punks and pussies. Jess was a punk; Cute Dean's a pussy. Logan here's a punk; Marty, the pussy. Tristan's a punk; ...Rory needs to date more. And because of the two categories of boy, there are only two kinds of flirting conversations Rory has: either she dominates the conversation because she thinks she's so great and the boy is fawning over her, or he nitpicks her every snotty thought because he's some kind of "intellectual equal." Rory tells Logan that Asher died "last week," (give or take a week), and so they're throwing him a wake. Logan asks if Rory was fucking him. She's all offended, even though her roommate was doing just that. Rory tells Logan that Asher was an inspiration and great and wonderful. "You don't like me," Logan says. "You don't know me, but you don't like me." Rory reminds him that they've met before, and that she found him to be rude to Marty. She thinks that Logan talks to people like they're below him. I'd love to remind her about how she had a pair of moving men at her beck and call yesterday morning. Rory says it's not what he said to Marty, but how he said it. Logan asks how he said it. "Like Judi Dench," Rory answers. Logan says he was in the right, since he did hire Marty to do a job, and all he did was compliment the boy's bartending skills. Logan points out that Marty probably made good money that night, and was paid well for what he did, and since this is a free country, he can speak to anyone in any manner he chooses. He tries to debate Rory, but she isn't doing so well at it, so she backs off. Finn tells Logan he found the room, so Logan puts his hand dangerously close to Rory's breast as he tells her he promises to remember her time. He adds: "Now tell me that wasn't fun." Rory doesn't say anything. Logan heads up the stairs and says, "Master and Commander." Rory: "The movie?" Logan: "No, that's what I want you to call me from now on." Rory says, "Ugh," and heads back into her room, not one flier hung.
Paris is smoking Asher's pipe, just to be able to smell like him again. Poor Paris. Rory sits and puts her arm around her friend.
Lorelai is practically skipping over to the gossip corner to hear what Miss Patty, Babette, and the other one have to say about her scandalous morning. But the ladies are chatting about some couple named Samson and Delilah, who got back together again this morning. Uh-huh. I know who they really mean. They're lowering the free parking at the drug store. Oh, come on, Lorelai. You don't know when they're talking code? "Lowering" the "free parking?" Get a clue, girl.
Dragonfly. Lorelai calls Luke to say that nobody knows. Luke says people might be trying to be respectful. Lorelai: "Babette? Miss Patty?" Luke says that maybe they're trying not to embarrass her. Lorelai: "Babette? Miss Patty?" Luke says nobody's mentioned it to him, but he doesn't know who would. Lorelai: "Babette? Miss Patty?" Luke brings up the novel concept that nobody cares. Lorelai wants everybody to care, since Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor couldn't even leave the house. Luke offers to get drunk if she gains five hundred pounds. They make plans for that night.
Emily's. She eats alone at the table, jazz blasting in the background. Emily's maid is actually named Madonna Louise. It's like this entire script was made on a dare. "I bet you can't get Paris to say 'vagina.' I bet you can't name someone after Madonna. I bet you can't get Luke and Lorelai to have sex without them actually ever really kissing." The maid comes in to clean Emily's plates. Emily tells Madonna Louise not to run the dishwasher, since it's not full yet. Like Emily's ever opened a dishwasher door in her life. She asks Madonna Louise what the funny smell is coming from the kitchen. Madonna Louise confesses that she sprayed for ants. Emily says that you're not supposed to spray; you kill the scout ants and they stop coming back. Yeah, I've had some serious scout ants that enter my house looking for cat puke and dead bugs. We tried wiping away the entire trail with wet napkins and then cleaning the floor and walls with disinfectant. I've put lines of cinnamon across the windowsills; the ants just make cookies. The only thing that has worked is spraying Raid everywhere I see the damn things because they appear to be living somewhere underneath the concrete steps outside and I don't know what else to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a not-quite-full dishwasher I have to run so that I have a clean plate to eat off of for dinner. Emily tells Madonna Louise that it was a lovely omelet, and Madonna Louise beams, as taken aback as we all are. Emily blows out the candles and leaves the room.
In the living room, Emily wanders through her empty house. She fluffs a pillow and sits with a book. She tries to read, but can't. She wanders again through the house and starts to head upstairs. She stops when she hears a car start up. She heads to the window and is shocked to see a car leaving her driveway.
Luke and Lorelai's date includes a town meeting, which they are walking to right now. Luke says he hates town meetings. Lorelai says she thought he said he hates "clown bleedings," which she totally agrees with. She promises they'll only do a stop-by, and then they're off to the movie. Luke says that just because Lorelai likes these town meetings doesn't mean he has to like them or go to them or even tolerate them. ["Has she ever gone to a town meeting he hasn't also attended?" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says that they'll have to go tonight and Thursday. Lorelai answers her cell phone. It's Emily, upset: "The most bizarre thing has happened." She tells Lorelai that she just finished dinner and was about to go upstairs and read when she heard a car. She saw Richard drive away: "He was driving away at 7:30 at night!" Lorelai's all, "Uh-huh." She asks if he was driving backwards or with his feet. Emily wonders where Richard would be going at 7:30 at night. Maybe he had to go work on his car at the filling station. Lorelai says that Richard might have had a business meeting. Emily: "At 7:30 at night? Is he a bootlegger?" Maybe he went to the Heart Association thing. He's a very busy man. Luke is tugging on Lorelai's jacket because he can't stand cell phones, so Lorelai says she has to hang up and go into a thing. Emily says she'd hate to intrude on whatever vague thing Lorelai's going to. Lorelai thanks her and hangs up. She immediately blames Luke for distracting her enough that she didn't read the caller ID and see it was Emily calling. Like that's ever worked before. Lorelai is happy to have someone to blame for everything. That's the best part of a relationship for her. Jeez, Luke. Get the hell out of that relationship.
Town meeting. Andrew and Gypsy are re-enacting their car accident, where Andrew backed into Gypsy. Lorelai and Luke sit in the back. Lorelai busts out the Red Vines.
Asher's wake. Paris thanks people for coming and invites them to take a book. The kids are ready to take a beer and a bong hit. Paris's wake is a dorm party, but she's the only one who hasn't noticed that. Rory explains this to Marty, who apparently didn't know it was a wake either, judging from his salmon Polo. Rory says she's spent the entire evening trying to get people to stop referring to Asher as "the old, dead dude." Marty asks if Paris knows. Paris thanks Marty for coming. She says it's going well and that she's pleased with the turnout. As she tears up at the overwhelming response, two guys enter with a giant keg. Marty gets them to take it to another room as Paris tells Rory that Asher died at the height of her passion for him, and she'll always feel that for him. She wonders what would have happened if he had lived. "Now I'll always be in love with him. He's my Mike Todd." I had to look that one up. I guess Amy Sherman-Palladino already had it open to the Elizabeth Taylor bio from earlier, and decided just to slip in another reference.
Town meeting. Taylor takes a vote to see who wins Gypsy v. Andrew (Lorelai votes both times). Gypsy is found at fault. "We have got to get a courthouse in this town!" Gypsy shouts. Taylor brings up the issue. He wants to know what people think about the inn owner and the diner owner dating. The relationship they "all feared" for some time has happened, and he wants to know everyone's opinions on it. While many people have something to say, Taylor decides to start. Luke's diner is a staple in Stars Hollow, and the Dragonfly Inn, while newer, is still important. He thinks the commingling of Lorelai and Luke will only set the stage for disaster. Taylor says that the consequences when the relationship inevitably goes sour ("as, let's face it, most of Lorelai's relationships do") mean that you'll eventually have to choose to be a Luke or a Lorelai. It's bad for the economy and the town, so he thinks they should break up. He reminds the town about Faye Wellington and Art Brush. Faye owned a flower shop and Art owned a candy store. They fell madly in love ten years ago. It worked well for a while, until Art met Margie the fudge queen. The town split in half, and you could only buy flowers or candy, ruining Valentine's Day forever. Oh, how quirky this town is. I love how Lorelai doesn't know anything about the town she's lived in for sixteen years. Eventually, the hostility forced Art to move. "Faye never married," Babette says. "She stopped making candy. It was very sad." She means flowers. Lorelai realizes that the town has a point, and that this is as good a reason as any she's ever had to dump someone who loves her. Luke gets angry, and doesn't want to see the charts Taylor's made on the subject. Lorelai gets another cell-phone call, and since she doesn't really care about Faye or Art, and thinks maybe they'll be talking about not-her for another thirty seconds, she answers her phone. So rude. So Lorelai.
It's Emily. Richard came home at 8:30, went inside the poolhouse, got back into his car and drove away again. She doesn't know where he's traipsing off at all hours of the night. Emily is now in her own car driving around: "If he can go out then I can go out so I went out." She went to a place she used to eat in college and found it's now a lube and tune. Lorelai tells her to go home. Emily doesn't want to be the first person back. She wants him to worry about her. Lorelai says she'll call her later because she's busy, so she'll have to call someone else. Emily says that nobody knows about the separation but Lorelai and Rory, so she wants to meet for coffee. Lorelai tells her that she's busy with something important and Rory's at her dorm. Emily hangs up.
The town is divvying up Stars Hollow post-breakup. Luke's had enough. He storms into the center of the meeting and says this is his relationship and his business. He points at everyone whose business it isn't, and it's everybody but Lorelai. "Mine and hers. But not yours." He says there's no more debating about whether the relationship is a good idea, because they're in a relationship already. "Show him the horoscope!" Lorelai shouts. Luke says there won't be a breakup, but if there is, he'll move out immediately: "I'll close up Luke's Diner, I'll go far, far away." Every section on the map will be pink. ["Hello, series finale." -- Wing Chun] Taylor asks for Luke's word. Luke offers his word and a couple of middle fingers. I hope we haven't just been foreshadowed Episode 22. ["See my comment above." -- Wing Chun] Taylor calls the meeting resolved and tells everyone to show up week to be fingerprinted for the government. Lorelai says, "Wow!" to Luke. He asks if she's "still in." She says she is, but then realizes something. She takes out her phone, calls Rory, and begins apologizing.
Rory doesn't know what Lorelai is repeatedly apologizing for until she turns around and sees Emily crashing her party. Wake. Whatever. Rory hangs up to Lorelai's final apology. Emily says that she had to get out of the house, so she came by to say hello. This is how Emily finds out that Asher died, and she assumes that Richard didn't mention it to her. Rory doesn't seem to realize that she should call Richard. I'll stop harping on this now, but I hope Richard's off somewhere having a drink to Asher right now. Emily worries that she'll have to go to that "insufferable man's funeral" now. Rory whispers that Asher was cremated. Paris hugs Emily and says it means a lot to her that she came. Emily says that Asher was very devoted to his students. Paris breaks into tears and Emily consoles her, saying that Yale is full of good professors. Marty brings a root beer to Rory. She thanks him for everything. "For you, anything," he says. Marty then awkwardly but obviously asks Rory if she has a boyfriend. Rory's all, "I don't know." God. Rory. Do it or don't do it. Don't be such a puss. Why does Rory always wait to be chosen? Why can't she make a decision? Why doesn't she do anything? And then she sort of does, here, by walking away from Marty without answering him, ditching both her grandmother and her grieving friend...
...and drives straight to CuteDean's parents' house, where she knocks on the door. CuteDean's the only person who ever answers this door, and his parents don't seem to mind that he's getting booty calls on a Tuesday night. Rory silently walks into CuteDean's house and he shuts the door behind her. Having a discreet affair means not parking your Prius in front of the house, dumb-ass.