Last Week Fights, This Week Tights

There are times when you realize the only time you can write your recap is late at night when everyone else is out having fun. You're home alone, just you and the cats, and you're staring down the barrel of an hour of episode. A Jess-heavy episode. And that's when you break out a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, a wine that any Angeleno can tell you has an expiration date in your stomach. This is a wine that was manna from Heaven about two years ago, because it's a bottle of wine under three dollars that tastes like a bottle of wine under ten. Brilliance, right? Well, it turns our your stomach rejects Two-Buck Chuck by about the sixth bottle in your lifetime. I haven't had it in about a year because one sip of it made me ill. Currently it's the only wine in my house because I did a show last week where we gave out Two-Buck Chuck (for free, because, come on). Consequently, there are four bottles of this stuff in my house, and as I was saying, I'm alone and about to recap the penultimate episode of the season, and I'd much rather be working on the bag I'm knitting but I can't because that's life so here we are. What does this mean to you? I guess it means we're going to find out what happens when I recap under the influence. The last time I tried this, I had to take a nap. Let's see if I can make it.

Man, I'm tired. Kidding.

Not really kidding. But here goes. There's Miss Patty and a maypole, just like all those weird Miss Patty fetishists always wanted. She's mad because the Banyan Boys don't seem to know clockwise from counter-clockwise. Some girl we've never seen before is now Miss Patty's assistant, and she complains about the Banyan boys. More "Hellspawn"-type jokes ensue. (First lesson learned about Drinking While Recapping, heretofore known as DWR: Difficult to type the word "Hellspawn.") Kirk heckles Miss Patty's maypole. The new girl disappears into thin air and Lorelai replaces her, asking Miss Patty if she's had a tough day. Miss Patty says that this is worse than working with Joan Crawford. Kirk heckles that he'd call it a "Maybe-not-pole." Miss Patty explains that Kirk's mad that she made Chrissy her dance captain instead of him. Lorelai points out that Kirk has "forty-three jobs." Miss Patty asks Lorelai to go talk to him. Lorelai says she will. By the way, it seems we've officially moved out of scarf season.

Lorelai tells Kirk to easy on Miss Patty. Kirk says that he's an expert on maypole dancing, having re-enacted the dwarf's maypole choreography from the "Safety Dance" video in his junior-high talent show. Great song; stupid video. I remember it being the first time I was truly disappointed in a video. And yes, I've seen "Oh, Sherry." Lorelai tells Kirk to take a break before Miss Patty beats him up again. Kirk agrees.

Lorelai wanders through the square and finds Jess casually sitting on a bench (where people can see him? In the sunlight? Makes no sense!) reading a magazine called Punk Planet. Lorelai pretends not to see Jess and he pretends not to see her. Lorelai runs past, and the camera pans around to an over-the-shoulder of Jess, who is doing that book-within-a-book thing we see on television but never do in real life because it's hard to turn the pages. He's reading Luke's self-help book. I don't really buy that Jess would turn to self-help, since he doesn't like to do anything that even rhymes with the word "help" and he already loves himself more than anyone else in the world, so why would he think that he doesn't deserve love, or that he's having a hard time finding love? Jess doesn't have a problem landing girls; he's already had both skanks and virgins in Stars Hollow, and presumably fucked Sherilyn Fenn before his real dad kicked him out of Venice, so why would Jess think he needs help in romance? He needs help in hair. And fashion. I thought he liked being an asshole. He seems so smug about it all the time. I can't just sit here and go on about Jess because we'll never make it through the episode. Suffice it to say (hey, is that how that phrase goes? Here's where Wing will let me know: ["Yes." -- Wing Chun]), this is a conversation for a time when I'm not all full of the boozy bravado, where I just keep on babbling without any person able to interrupt me and go, "Well, it's late."

Man, how does AB Chao do this every week? It's exhausting. I'd better make some popcorn to go with my wine. "Popcorn and wine? Oh, that's real class, Jan." I don't talk to myself when I'm alone. Do you? Let's take a poll.

Awesome. My popcorn is the perfect level of burned. Even though just days ago Sookie slept with Jackson by his zucchini because he loves his vegetables so much, today she's willing to yell at him for having limp radishes (Dirty!). Jackson and Sookie argue over the radishes as Sookie tells Jackson that they're puny, tasteless, and small enough to shove up their son's nose. Lorelai enters and interrupts, suggesting that they don't shove anything up their son's nose. She then calls Rory on her cell phone, realizing that in all of their years together she might not have ever told Rory not to shove a radish up her nose, and Rory isn't able to reason or function on her own. Jackson leaves in a huff, and Lorelai congratulates Sookie for having her groove back with Jackson. Sookie says that felt as good as a Jack LaLanne workout. Lorelai asks, "Dead or alive?" Sookie doesn't know, and admits that it's going to bug her.

Lorelai gets a cell-phone call (I was just seconds off!) from Rory, who's upset because everybody in Yale is done with their finals except her, because she's dumb enough to have a final scheduled on a Saturday. Now, Rory. Everybody knows that the first thing you do when you get your course book for the semester is check the finals schedule. Otherwise you end up with three classes that have finals on the same day, or one final that's a full week after you're done with everything else. You work backwards, from the finals schedule to the earliest hour you're willing to wake up, to the friends you'd like to have in the same class, to the map of where the classes are and if you can catch lunch with friends between, to the ultimate in scheduling: getting all of your classes between Monday and Thursday, giving yourself a three-day weekend for a full semester. Just a little tip from me to you. Always check the finals schedule first. It's at the back of the coursebook. (Note: This is solid advice for students of the University of Texas at Austin. Other school schedules may vary. Recapper takes no responsibility for you having six finals on one day because you scheduled your Fridays off. ["Yeah, you couldn't do that at either of the post-secondary institutions I attended. We didn't get the finals schedule until about a month before they happened. And I want to add, just out of bitterness, that my dad was the registrar of the school where I was an undergrad and I STILL always ended up with a final on the very last day of finals every single semester. I also had a mandatory class on Fridays from 2:30 to 4:30 when I was in my fourth year. No favouritism. Sucked." -- Wing Chun]) Rory grumps through the halls of Yale while everyone around her is in party mode because they're done and she's not even close to being done. Lorelai says she has something to tell Rory about "the J-word." Rory says she's sick of both Jesus and Mel Gibson. Lorelai says that Jess is in town for "that wedding," and she doesn't know where Rory stands on the "Jessometer." She wants to know if Rory wants her to tell her whenever she runs into Jess. That seems a bit obsessive, doesn't it? Rory says she doesn't mind hearing about Lorelai running into him, but she doesn't need to hear it eight times a day if that happens. As Rory talks, we watch Lorelai walk through the lobby of the Dragonfly. A horse is in the background, in the inn. Nobody seems to care. Lorelai doesn't see the horse.

Wait. Another poll. Do you read the recaps because you want to know what happened in the episode, what I thought about the episode, or what kind of stupid shit I'll reveal about myself since I've been telling you way too much over the past four years?

Check it: I made banana bread the other day so I didn't waste the two bananas that turned all black on top of my microwave. And it's really good banana bread. Awesome. But Stee calls himself a "banana purist" and will only eat bananas in their natural state and hates all things that are flavored with or like bananas (I didn't know this before I did the baking). So I tried to pass the loaf (Dirty!) to a friend, making a big deal like I'd baked it for her, but she's a vegan and pretty much ordered it out of her house immediately. I'm from Texas, where when someone goes, "I'm a vegan," the Texan goes, "Oh, so y'all want fish, then?" I forgot eggs are off-limits. So now I've got this whole thing of banana bread and I'm not going to eat it all by myself, because that's like having a buttercicle for dessert and I just won't let myself do that. Again, more stuff I'm telling you that you don't need to know because recapping alone with wine has no edit function. Djb just called me to give me a recap break!

Okay. So it's the morning. I kept Djb up until 4 in the morning his time. This morning Stee said to me, "I don't imagine you're feeling good on the other side of half a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck." I had a headache in my eye for about fifteen minutes, but I'm now on my second cup of coffee and I'm ready to go! Lesson learned: not so good at recapping with the booze. Okay. Focused. Back to the horse in the Dragonfly. Rory tells Lorelai to let Rory know if Jess spits in Lorelai's face or something. Lorelai asks permission to be able to spit back if that happens. Permission isn't granted. Lorelai threatens to run up to Jess, tell him she loves him, and then run away really fast, to give him a taste of his own medicine. Rory tells Lorelai not to do anything out of the ordinary. Lorelai gasps when she sees Cletus, the horse, in the dining room, and gets off the phone to handle the situation. Michel asks Lorelai for a signature on something. Lorelai asks him if he knew that Cletus was in the hotel. Michel says that the horse has been there for about twenty minutes or so, but that his job isn't "horse wrangler," so he figured someone else would take care of it. Ditto for Sookie, who walks in, reveals the findings of her recent Google search (Jack LaLanne is alive), and agrees that the horse has been there for close to half an hour. Lorelai makes a new rule that if horses walk into the building, someone should take care of that, even if they aren't officially licensed by the horse bureau. That's it for this horse subplot, by the way. Just enough time to get letters from PeTA, and then they move on. This scene is more interesting if we're supposed to think that the three of them hate each other and now they're all stuck together working at this inn. Because everything they say is dripping with sarcasm and fake nice-nice, and I'm not sure why they're doing it. So I'm pretending they're in a big fight that we don't get to know about. Hey, didn't Sookie break her ankle? What happened with that?

Glenn tells Rory that he's getting back together with his girlfriend back home. His girlfriend Xandria Box. Glenn shows Rory a picture. Rory -- always quick to judge other people's relationships -- tells Glenn that the girl is, like, twelve. Glenn says that's a picture of her from when she was little. Which is a weird thing to be showing people, really. Not to be all Rory about it, but man, Glenn. Update the photo, pervy. Glenn shouts, "Don't make this into something dirty. She drives and everything." He storms off as Rory tells him to have a good summer.

I had a dream last night that one of you emailed me to say you were worried about the amount of drinking I had been doing lately. "It's not funny to have a glass of wine when you're alone," you wrote. "Please keep your recaps alcohol-free. Thanks. Love, Concerned Readers For Decency." It's best not to well on what my dream means.

Lorelai walks into MamaLane's antique shop and asks about a door knocker. MamaLane finds it right away, saying that it might have been James Madison's: "James Madison liked big knockers." Lorelai laughs that many of the founding fathers probably liked big knockers. She apologizes, saying she'd explain the joke if she could. MamaLane: "It's a double entendre. I've been in this country twenty years. I get things." I love MamaLane. Lorelai agrees to the ninety-dollar sticker price. MamaLane hands Lorelai some mail for Lane to give to her at Luke's. Lorelai thinks that this has gone on long enough, and says she knows the Lanes miss each other. She tells MamaLane to call her daughter. MamaLane tells Lorelai to mind her own business. Lorelai resigns as MamaLane's mailman. MamaLane ups the knocker price to $140.

Luke's got a rotisserie going in his diner as he makes turkey legs. Liz is too busy chuckling with her girlfriends to plan her wedding. Why should she, with everyone else doing all the work, anyway? Slutty Carrie is giving the argument for polygamy, saying that it's unnatural for homo sapiens to mate for life. The other slutty friends tell Liz that she's so lucky that T.J. is "yum yum." I think it's wrong when a girl tells a girl that her boyfriend is "yum yum." Like, get your tongue off my man, ho. Carrie calls white tigers "retarded," which is pretty funny. It's also funny that she's wearing hot pink leopard-print. They still make that? Carrie goes on reciting material from the Catskills in 1952, rim-shotting that men are only good for one thing, and that they aren't even all that good at it. Carrie works for Hallmark, doesn't she? Those cards with the "wacky" old lady on the cover, the one who's always talking about her boobs falling to her ankles? Referring to the turkey legs, Luke asks Liz how he knows if he's doing it right. Slutty Carrie says most guys don't know if they're doing it right. Liz makes a face that reads, "Why do Daniel Palladino's scripts always have jokes that would make Don Rickles cringe?" She tells Luke she doesn't know how to cook turkey legs, and apologizes that Luke now has to cook all of them. Luke asks if that's how turkey legs are supposed to look. Carrie tells him to take off his pants so they can find out. Luke asks why they haven't left for the spa yet. The girl say they're leaving in a minute.

Jess comes downstairs, saying he's got to go get some batteries. I know that it's for the boombox of love, but because I wanna say it: Dirty! Liz wants to introduce her son to her friends, even though they would have already met, I thought. Luke warns Jess to watch out for Slutty Carrie. The girls are inappropriate when they meet their friends' son, undressing him with their eyes. Liz brags that Jess is going to walk her down the aisle. Jess grumps that it's no big deal. Liz says it's a very big deal. A delivery man shows up, saying he's got a very important package to deliver. Jess high-tails it out of there, leaving Luke trapped in his (apparently closed) diner just before the delivery man takes off all his clothes and starts grinding to "Relax" on Liz's lap. Through the window Jess waves to Luke. Heh. Dude, though. I said it in the recaplet but I'll say it again. Get that man's oily package off the table, skanky ladies. Kirk eats eggs there. Luke asks the stripper not to shake it in his diner. The girls hold up twenties and demand singles from Luke. Liz dances in that thumbs-up way that white girls do as the stripper puts his hat on her and dances away. I wish the stripper were yet another DeLuise making an appearance.

Whenever I see an actor having to be a stripper, or who has one line like, "More pepper, sir?" I always imagine that actor calling his parents going, "Mom! I did it! I booked a show! I'm going to be on television! Tuesday night!" Then the parents have a bunch of their friends over to watch and they see their son stripping in a hot pink Speedo while women scream. And then they turn to their friends and say, "He also has a degree in Business. This acting thing is just a hobby before he settles down. Do you want to see his report cards from high school? We had them framed." There's an ad for Six Flags near my house and it's a picture of a zombie in a bellman outfit gesturing to a doorway. That's the other actor I imagine calling his parents going, "I'm on a billboard all over Los Angeles! I'm unrecognizable and I'm a zombie but I MADE IT! I'M FAMOUS! I HAVE MY OWN BILLBOARD!" It's not unlike what I had to say to my parents five years ago, when I was like, "Mom and Dad! I get paid to write! It's something called a website, and it's like a newspaper or a magazine except it's on your computer. And I write about television, but I'm not actually affiliated with any television show. In fact, they don't want to have anything to do with me! But I'm a real writer. W-W-W-dot...yeah, you probably do need a pen. What? What do you mean 'the earlier letters'? Oh. H-T-T-P. And then there's a colon. It's shift and then the one to 'L.' You know what? I'll just mail you a copy. No, it'll be a print-out. Yeah, it is really long. No, you don't have to read it. Ally McBeal. It's a television show. No, it's not dirty. Never mind. Yes, IBM is great. No, I might get a raise in six months. My evaluation is coming up. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes, my 401K is important. Okay. You too. Bye, now."

Jess walks into Doose's market. Looks like Kirk took CuteDean's job behind the register (or was CuteDean just a bag boy? Here's where Wing schools me: ["You know, you're usually right, except about oatmeal, and where the Independence Inn is. But since you ask: I remember him shelving and bagging groceries, but not checking them out. Which is not to say he never is." -- Wing Chun]). Kirk is ringing up CuteDean's groceries, saying each one of them out loud. Nail polish remover. Lady Speed Stick. Jasmine body lotion. Kirk mocks CuteDean's feminine choices in products as Jess smirks to him in line. Maybe Lindsay could lay off the Jasmine body lotion until her townhouse is built. Anyway, CuteDean's all staring at Jess, going, "It's for my wife." The fact that Jess is even smirking about how CuteDean has to buy nail polish remover proves that he's not even man enough to be in a relationship. He's gonna need a whole lot more workbooks to get through those issues. If your boyfriend hates buying you tampons, he's an idiot. A child. A man buying tampons is a man who gets laid because there's not a man on this planet who needs tampons for himself. Get over it, guys. When a girl buys condoms it means she's totally getting laid. You should hold those tampons over your head and go, "My ladyfriend is bleeding! I am a good boyfriend! I am taking care of her! We have sex on a regular basis and we're responsible about it so now she's on her period! Yes, that's right, we had another successful month of having sex without getting pregnant! Three cheers for me and my penis!" Kirk tells CuteDean that with the emery boards, his total comes to $19.67. Which is when this joke was first used. CuteDean hands Kirk a twenty, tells him to keep the change (no, you need a townhouse!), and mopes away. Jess stands there for a little while, and then hands over his stuff to Kirk. And then...oh. Wait. The scene ended. What a weird little scene. Why was that even there? And now we're at commercial. Dude. This recap is long.

Friday-night dinner. Emily is bummed out to hear that Rory has a final in the morning. She says that Rory could have stayed at school and studied if she needed to. Lorelai realizes that Emily is playing different music. It's not her usual classical background tune. Emily says they thought they'd try something new tonight. "'We'?" Lorelai asks. Emily says that Richard is out of town, but that she and he had talked about trying some new music. She changes the subject back to Rory, asking when she'll be done with her final tomorrow. Rory says she should be done by noon. Emily asks if Rory has girlfriends or boyfriends to keep her company. Rory says that everybody's pretty much gone. "And you don't have a boyfriend?" Emily checks. "Not really," Rory says. That's an accurate description of all of Rory's relationships over the past three years. "Why, do you?" Lorelai asks her mother. Emily gives her a look. Lorelai asks Emily where Richard is again. "In Philadelphia," Rory says slowly. "Thanks, Mom," Lorelai says. Emily asks Lorelai if she'd prefer that Richard's secretary faxed Lorelai Richard's itinerary every week. Lorelai says she'd like to be kept informed. Emily says that much of Richard's day lately is spent dealing with Floyd, "a.k.a. your ex-boyfriend's father," so Emily assumed Lorelai wouldn't want to know all of that. Emily asks Rory if she'll be free around noon the day, so she can be thinking of her at the moment when the weight of school is lifted off Rory's shoulders. Emily excuses herself from the table to check on the raspberry souffl. "Dad hates raspberries!" Lorelai says. "No, he doesn't," Emily says, and then leaves. Rory and Lorelai have a quick, whispered discussion. Lorelai wishes Emily would come clean about her separation from Richard. Rory wishes people would stop bugging her about her love life all the time. This goes on until Rory threatens to throw a roll at her mother. Lorelai says she's dying to find out how Emily and Richard are doing. Emily returns, happy to report that she saved the souffl day. Rory says they were all about to change to new subjects. "Dad hates chicken kiev, doesn't he?" Lorelai asks. Emily gives Lorelai a "die, lady" look.

Lane, (mf)Todd Lowe and Brian are debating the phone bill. Any mysterious locations called are blamed on (mf)Todd Lowe's skanky girlfriends. The doorbell rings. (mf)Todd Lowe asks if doorbells run on electricity, since that would mean they're paying every time someone comes to the door. At the door is Lane's Aunt Jun. Aunt Jun gives an official statement, letting Lane know that her mother would like to arrange a visit. She drops off possible times that MamaLane is available. She hands Lane her mail. "Would you like to come in?" Lane asks. I cannot describe how perfect Aunt Jun's "No" is, but know that it's hysterical.

Stupid bar. Graham and his buddies are currently re-enacting a scene from Good Will Hunting while joykill Rory sits at a nearby table. She must have a fake I.D. for sure, because someone served that girl beer. Rory's pouty, unhappy that she ended up with a group of frat boys. Couldn't she have figured this out before they got to the bar? It's not like they were wearing masks. And there are no other girls with them. Graham would never have invited Rory to such a thing and whatever this subplot is stupid. Rory's unhappy. When is she not? Moving on. Graham can't figure out why Rory's no fun, and she tells him to go hang with his friends. He tells her to lighten up. Rory mopes. The boys agree that it's time to continue on the pub crawl. Rory's apparently never heard of such a thing. The boys brag about being great drunk drivers, and Rory lets them drive away. I guess Rory really is the worst friend in the world. Anyway, then she doesn't have any money and there's some dumb ATM thing (the party for the girl playing the waitress erupts into cheers after her one line) and then blah, blah, blah and Rory makes a cell-phone call, and for some reason it's not to her mother, who is on the other end of that Nextel beepy-button thing in her brain. Someone's smoking in that bar!

(mf)Todd Lowe and Brian play videogames. Lane answers the door. It's her mother again. The boys pause the game and go back to making tea. MamaLane: "This we'll clean up. Temporary fridge. You two are girls." She says she's ready for her tea now.

Stars Hollow is rocking out to some Kajagoogoo as Kirk plays DJ. You can tell that the scene was filmed without any music because nobody's dancing to the same beat and they all stop dancing at different times and the song doesn't even end properly. They're also all making that goofy face actors make when they're pretending to dance when there's no music. Kirk speaks in a fake Ren Faire accent as Liz and T.J. take the dance floor for their first dance. Lorelai pretty much walks through the dance floor over to Luke and asks him if he's okay and if they're okay. She doesn't really apologize, of course. She says maybe she shouldn't have made fun of Jess, since he might be trying. Kirk asks others onto the dance floor. Lorelai talks to Luke like he's stupid, saying his food might be cold so they could go get some more. Instead, Luke asks her to dance. After some gentle teasing, she accepts his offer. They start dancing rather chastely, holding hands at arm's length, but as Luke sweeps her off her feet they get closer and closer. The smiles become less goofy and more genuine, their faces are close to touching as they're quiet and happy. Lorelai rests her head on Luke's shoulder as we pull back from the dance floor.

CuteDean arrives to rescue Rory. They sit, and Rory tries to tell him what happened, and she says it was all stupid. Poor CuteDean gets confused when she talks quickly. Anyway, CuteDean's glad to see her, she's glad to see him, and Rory's babbling and CuteDean needs a haircut. They decide to eat. CuteDean says he'll pay since she doesn't have any money. The waitress tells her that the tab's still open at the counter. Rory tells CuteDean to put his wallet away. They order lots of food.

Walking home, Luke and Lorelai reminisce over the rest of the wedding, where there was a choking guy, the minister made out with Crazy Carrie, and T.J. threw his tights instead of the garter. Lorelai admits that her favorite part was the dance. She asks if Luke's been taking lessons. On the cruise ship, where he married his wife. Luke says it was all God-given talent. They admit that they had fun. Lorelai is about to go home when Luke says they should do it again. week. See a movie. I wish we hadn't seen the rest of this episode in the past two weeks of promos. Luke asks Lorelai out on a date and she accepts. Luke walks away, and Lorelai turns her head with the most priceless shocked look on her face. Luke has a sly grin, proud of himself as he exhales.

Jess packs up to leave as Luke enters. Jess says he was hanging around to see if he could catch Luke. Luke says he could stay a couple more days. Jess says he has to get back to work. Jess says he gave Liz and Luke his cell-phone number, since that's pretty permanent. Luke opens a beer. Jess zips up his jacket and tells Luke he wants to pay him back all the money he owes him, and that he appreciates everything Luke did for him: "In a relationship -- any relationship -- it's important to let the other person know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers that delay any hope for reciprocation." Luke says he thinks he read that somewhere. Luke says he's got his reciprocation:. "I'm here, Jess. I'm always here." Jess thanks him, and they shake hands and then do that man hug that involves lots of punching to the back. Luke tells Jess that tonight was perfect. Jess leaves. I've written that sentence before, but it's never true.

Walking through empty Yale, Rory tells CuteDean that she's just now realizing that her classes are done. Who goes on a first date with a stranger and has no way home, anyway? And how far away was that bar? And...forget it. CuteDean says that while Rory says she's happy not to think of Kafka and Chaucer all summer, he knows she still will. She agrees. Rory points out where she had her Poli Sci class, the one with the guy who thought she was a stalker. CuteDean says the campus is huge. Rory says they're probably the last two people left there. You know how that happens, when you've got an entire dorm to yourself. Whatever.

Heading back to Rory's dorm room, CuteDean says it's good to get out and laugh. He forgot how funny Rory is. Rory unlocks her door. She thanks him for saving her. She asks where Lindsay thinks he is tonight. CuteDean says that Lindsay knows he's out, and that it doesn't matter where. Rory asks what's going on with him. Before CuteDean can answer, Jess opens the door. "What are you doing here?" Rory asks. Jess storms up saying he needs to talk to her. CuteDean gets all peacocky, puffing up his chest. Rory tells CuteDean he can leave, just like she's always done when she's faced with the two of them. And once again CuteDean just storms off (but first he makes this weird guttural grunt) and lets Jess win. Jess tells Rory that he wants her to leave with him right now. We already saw this in the promo, too. Jess doesn't care where, but he wants Rory to come back to New York with him tonight, and she's all packed and ready to go. But how will they fit her entertainment center in his piece of shit car? Jess reminds me of Carla's husband on Cheers. Rory says she can't leave with him. Jess follows her. Rory says she doesn't want to go with him. She doesn't want to live with him, be with him. Jess says he wants to be with her, but not at Stars Hollow. They have to start anew. "There's nothing to start!" says Rory. Jess says he's ready for this, and that she can count on him now: "I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can!" Rory says no. Jess says they're supposed to be together. He knew it when he first saw her two years ago, and she knew it too. "I know you do." Rory says, "No, no, no, no, no." Jess tells her not to say no just to make him stop talking: "Only say no if you really don't want to be with me." Rory says, "No." Jess stares at her. Exhales. They stare at each other in silence. Then the la-la's pick up as Jess walks away and Rory sits down on a box. It's dark in her room. She packed all the lamps.

Hey, that girl playing the teacher in the Sprint commercial is my good friend Laura House. She's one of the funniest people I know. Hi, Laura!