Lorelai walks downstairs and out her front door. There's a cat on her porch -- a skinny version of my cat Cal. Lorelai and the cat stare at each other. Lorelai, her eyes trained on the cat, slowly bends down to pick up her newspaper. The cat continues to stare back. Lorelai slowly backs into the house and immediately calls her daughter. "They know," she says. "The cats. They know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone. And they've decided that it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady." Rory says that a cat on her doorstep is better than a bun in her oven. Lorelai says that the cat was staring at her. She looks out the window and sees that it's still there. Rory tells her that it's just a stray passing through, and that Lorelai should stop staring at it and it'll go away. How does Rory ever make it to a single class on time? Lorelai says that this isn't fair, that she only just broke up with Jason and that it wasn't even her fault and that she's not old and that her eggs are still viable. She's not Babette. Rory points out that Babette isn't single. Lorelai says that everybody can see it in her face: "She's single -- again! She couldn't make it work -- again! She picked the wrong guy -- again!" Rory tells Lorelai to get a grip. A second cat joins the first and Lorelai shrieks, complaining that the cats aren't even easing her into this. She realizes that it's time to start collecting newspapers and magazines, put on a blue bathrobe, and lose her front teeth. I may have front teeth, but I'm wearing a bathrobe and my magazine basket is overflowing, and in terms of cats? I have three. "Yarn balls," Lorelai says. "I need to find some yarn balls." Lorelai, check my coat closet. I've got tons of them. Lorelai goes back to the porch, where she sees the backs of what could be my cats Cal and Taylor. The Taylor cat almost leaps at Lorelai. "Hey," she says to the cats. "I am a young, desirable woman." The cats stare back, thinking, "Foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood."
I love this ad Jared Padalecki made, giving us a spoiler about him being around for the few weeks. And in case you didn't know, this week's EW has a pie chart on why this show is "suddenly worth watching again." 10% is "Lane's band," which means my friend Todd Lowe has about 2% of the credit to this show getting good again. Awesome. Oddly enough, I didn't make the pie chart.
Lorelai suddenly wakes up in bed, calls a number, and mumbles a to-do list into the phone. Then she does it again. These are to-do lists for other people. "Oh, boy," she moans to herself. I'd like to be there when Lorelai tells Sookie there's too much salt in her gazpacho.
Luke's opening the diner as it's still just a bit dark outside. He discovers Lorelai on his front steps. He asks her what she's doing. She says she needs coffee. Luke says it's 5 in the morning. That's exactly when coffee is for, Luke. Gah. Lorelai says she already drank all of the coffee in her house, and then babbles as Luke drags her crazy ass into his diner.
Luke pulls down a chair for Lorelai as she whines that she can't turn off her mind. She keeps making lists. Luke suggests that she drink a little less coffee. She says that if she stopped drinking the coffee, she'd stop doing the standing and the walking and the "words putting into sentence doing." Luke goes to make her coffee. Lorelai tells him that in her mind, she's hugging him right now: "And also I'm telling the plumbers that there's no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15." Luke looks at her and says he's making her some oatmeal. Lorelai makes the face we all make when someone tells us we have to eat oatmeal. ["Boo! Oatmeal is delicious! It's a vehicle for brown sugar!" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai goes on about how stressed she is, and how she can't remember what she's doing from one moment to the . Lorelai's sure all these things won't get done, and then the inn won't open and she'll go broke. She asks Luke how he runs his place -- how he handles the stress. Luke says that other than this moment, it's not usually such a stressful place to be. Lorelai then wants Luke to take a tour of the inn. Luke says he'll just wait until the public auction after the place has been repossessed. Lorelai asks him how he can be so mean to her when she's only lined one of her eyes. Heh. So this has a little bit to do with Luke, so I'll share. Breakfast? Totally brilliant. I never ate breakfast, ever. This year I started eating breakfast. I don't know how I used to go without it. Seriously. I'm recapping with a cup of coffee, half a grapefruit, and an english muffin. Luke would be so proud. And so would Lorelai, what with the coffee-to-food ratio being about 300:1. Luke tells Lorelai that he'll take a tour of the Dragonfly if she eats the oatmeal. Lorelai agrees, but warns him that she'll be making a face the entire time. "Looking forward to it," Luke says. Kirk enters. He's outraged that Lorelai is sitting where he wanted to sit. "Seriously?" Lorelai asks. Kirk says he got there that early just so that he could sit there. "Every single other table in here is empty," Lorelai says. "Except the one I want," Kirk pouts. Didn't these two have exactly the same conversation, but the opposite, just a few years ago? Lorelai gets up. Kirk explains that on days when his girlfriend is working, he has very little in life. Getting that table gives him just a bit of control in a world where he has none. Lorelai tells him that she's already moved. "Oh. Well, thanks," Kirk says. Then he realizes that the light where Lorelai has moved is excellent. Lorelai flops her head to the table.
Dragonfly. Michel sits on the floor in his suit, checking messages. He asks Lorelai if this is her crazy voice on the answering machine (no voicemail in Stars Hollow), and then complains that she left twenty-five messages, all of which he had to write down. Lorelai takes the messages from him. "Every day that you breathe you make my life harder," Michel complains. He whines that he wants his desk, and that conducting business on the floor isn't funny anymore. He rants until Luke enters with a "Hey." He walks over to Grumpy Tom and compliments the staircase. Tom tells Luke he doesn't want any kibitzing over the staircase. Lorelai asks Luke if he wants to see the pretty stove. She says they're thinking about ordering out for food so they never have to use the pretty, pretty stove.
Luke and Lorelai enter the kitchen, where Sookie and some guy are badly ad-libbing having a conversation. Sookie applauds, goes, "Oh!," and says she's been looking for Lorelai. Then she quickly says, "Hi, Luke" without really looking at him, like she's mad at him or something. It's weird. Luke compliments the kitchen and asks if they used the original tiles. Sookie gives a very pissy "I don't know. Ask Tom." Sookie introduces Lorelai to the man she's talking to. His name is Shel Sauceman. Sheldon Sauceman? Shel's all, "It is really nice to meet you!" Sookie says he's going to be the new poultry supplier. He's also recently divorced. Oh, I guess Sookie was being short with Luke because she knows that Lorelai and Luke are supposed to be together, and Sookie, for some reason, wants Lorelai to be with this Shel guy who's recently divorced because he's clearly gay. Lorelai makes a joke that Shel appreciates. "You're funny!" he says. "She's funny." Then: "You know, they say pretty women usually aren't funny because they never had to be. Were you a fat child?" I'm positive Amy Sherman-Palladino had someone ask her this question in real life, because I've heard similar statements all the time concerning women and when they can be funny. Some men don't find women funny unless they don't find them pretty, and then they're able to be comfortable enough around them that they can recognize a sense of humor. A girl who is one of the guys can be funny, but if a pretty girl is cracking jokes, they may be at your expense, or she might even be -- gasp! -- smarter than the guys.
Sookie and Lorelai briefly argue about who gets to go talk to Michel about tablecloths, and then Sookie skips out of there. Lorelai grabs Shel's hand and drags him over to Luke, where she curls herself around Luke's body and introduces him as her Luke. Her "special friend." Lorelai grunts a bit as she moves Luke's G.I. Joe-stiff arm around her waist. She coos to Luke, saying she couldn't have gotten through this without him, and then thanks him. I can't believe the WB promo department didn't pounce on this scene and use it for fifty misleading commercials all season. Shel excuses himself and leaves. Lorelai immediately tells Luke not to touch her stomach. "You put my hand there," he says. Lorelai can't believe Sookie tried to set her up with Shel the poultry guy when she just broke up with someone. Lorelai thinks she's breaking news to Luke that she was dating someone, but Luke figured she had someone, since she was never dressed weather-appropriately. Hee. Lorelai tells Luke about the cats and how she's destined to be alone. Luke says she's not alone; she has Shel. Lorelai asks why it's so hard. Luke says he's probably not the right person to ask. "At least you got married," Lorelai says. "At least you had a kid," Luke counters. Lorelai says she gets sad sometimes. She asks if he gets sad about it. "Maybe," Luke says. Lorelai predicts Dr. Phil books in their future. Luke says that probably won't happen unless they stock them at Home Depot. Please don't give Dr. Phil any ideas. I can just see Dr. Phil lumber. "Y'all know your house won't stand without the correct foundation, right? With Dr. Phil lumber, your house has reinforced walls, so you can take down the ones around your heart. Okay? You can demo the walls around your heart. That's what I want you to do. I want you to take down...the wall around your heart. You can't fish with a cucumber and you can't love with a pencil. But make sure you have a pencil with Dr. Phil's lumber because as we say around here at Home Depot: In life you measure twice, cut once, okay?" ["First you dis oatmeal, then Dr. Phil. It's like you're trying to hurt me." -- Wing Chun] Luke tells Lorelai that the place is great. Lorelai asks Luke again if he thinks she can do this. Luke says he's already told her many times that she can. Lorelai says he's making her long for Shel. Luke says she was never one for chicken. And then the scene's kind of over, but not so we hear Asher Fleming teaching his class and then we're--
-- in Asher's class! They're debating whether political writing is the same as propaganda. Is one merely a discussion of differing ideas structured to present an intelligent ideologizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Paris waits anxiously by the classroom door. It is unclear whether she's waiting to talk with Asher or Rory. Asher concludes his class and the students lug their amazingly large course books off their desks. Paris runs up to Rory and says hello. Paris makes some excuse about laundry. Rory says she's tired of Paris using her in order to walk into Asher's class: "I don't want to be your beard anymore, Paris." Again, can't believe the promo guy didn't use that, then a shot of them kissing. Paris doesn't want Rory to leave until nobody's talking to Asher. Rory says that she's not going to be taking this class forever, so eventually Paris will have to come clean about her relationship with Asher. Paris says it's all going to happen soon enough, since Asher has invited her to come to Oxford with him this summer. Rory looks as shocked as we are: "So, this is really getting serious." Paris says it is and pushes Rory over to Asher's office so they can talk to him.
Luke is shifty in the bookstore. He walks over to Andrew to pay, but doesn't want Andrew to see what books he's chosen. He tells Andrew about how much each book costs. "That high?" Andrew asks. "They're your prices," says Luke. He then realizes he was reading the Canadian prices. Andrew asks if it's porn, and that's why Luke's embarrassed. Luke says it's not porn, but drops a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and leaves. Luke comes back in and asks for a bag. Want to learn a little about the craziness inside my head? Now whenever I see a bookshelf, on television, at someone's house, in a movie, at a bookstore -- I can't stop searching for my own book. Is it narcissism, or just retarded hope? I'm leaning towards the latter.
Luke's apartment. He grabs a boombox and opens the book on tape. He pops it into the player. "Love!" shouts the man on the tape, frightening Luke. "You want it? You can have it." I've never listened to these Men Are From Mars things, but Stee says an ex asked him to listen to it once and he got about halfway through the tape before he threw it out of his car window on the highway. The tape tells Luke that finding love will take work, introspection, and the ability to tell himself he's worth it. Luke sighs and crosses his arms as the tape tells him to say, "If I crave love, then I deserve love." Luke can't say it. The tape knew he couldn't. Luke tells the tape that he hasn't been hit in the head with the "Oprah stick," and that's why he doesn't want to repeat after a tape. Still, he opens up his workbook when he's told, which is more than I would have done with this cheese.
Sookie and Lorelai sip coffees while they watch CuteDean work. They are actually paying him to hang up a rather light-looking picture. They thank him for working extra hours; he thanks them for the extra money. CuteDean sees that the wire on the back of the frame has snapped. "I can fix that," he says. Sookie calls him a superhero. Man, I hope Sookie and Lorelai never have to deal with a flat tire. CuteDean leaves to...apparently twist together two wire ends, which really should be done in another room entirely. Sookie asks Lorelai what she thinks of the onion soup she made today, and whether it's good enough for the opening. Lorelai insists that Sookie make her famous zucchini soup. Jackson is worried that the zucchini aren't doing well, so Sookie's looking for a backup. Lorelai is pretty sure their entire business will crumble if Sookie doesn't serve the zucchini soup at the opening.
This very engaging conversation is interrupted by the sounds of CuteDean and Lindsay arguing. (Again, the first word said to her is her name, so we know who she is.) Lindsay's mad that CuteDean's working all the time, and unable to go out and have fun with her. He reminds her that they need money. Lindsay says she misses her husband. It appears as though Lindsay's using CuteDean's extra money to get extra fake tans. The girl is turning orange. Lindsay puts her hands on her hips and calls CuteDean "incredibly selfish." She says he never, ever thinks about her. Neither do we, so I can't blame him. CuteDean reminds Lindsay that townhouses and cars cost money. Lindsay says she waits at home all day for him, and he never even calls her during the day like he says he will. I guess this means Lindsay doesn't have a job? Why the hell did these two get married, anyway? Sookie and Lorelai just keep on eavesdropping. I can't believe Lorelai doesn't call Rory and hold up her cell phone. Lindsay complains that she's bored: "I wanna go out with my husband. Hello? We're married here." If I ever say "Hello?" to Stee as part of an argument, he has full permission to leave me forever. CuteDean tells Lindsay he'll be done in a couple of hours. Lindsay doesn't want to wait that long, and leaves to hang out with her real friends. He asks when she'll be home. "When I get home," she says, and stomps off. "That's nice, Lindsay," CuteDean says. "That's real nice." Lindsay leaves with a "Whatever, Dean." Sookie and Lorelai stare at each other solemnly.
Luke drives down the street listening to his self-help tape. The tape wants him to complete sentences like, "I feel angry because..." Luke: "I am listening to this tape." Luke feels hopeful because... "this tape must end eventually." Luke wonders if anybody's ever kicked an audiotape's ass. Luke, meet Stee.
Luke's sister knocks on the window, and I just want to call her Chloe, even though I'm pretty sure that's not her name on this show too, but between all the un-realized crappy female characters on this show (Lindsay, Nicole, Janet, Rachel, Kirk's girlfriend...) it's becoming harder and harder to remember all the tertiary names. Luke hides his self-help tape and gets of his truck, asking what she's doing there. Chloe (because that's what I'm going to call her for now) calls Luke her brother so that we remember who she is and then re-introduces T.J., the DeLuise who is forty. I wouldn't have remembered his being named T.J., but I do remember the last thing he said to Luke was, "You're a dick." I guess that's all water under the bridge. Ah. Elizabeth. Liz. That's Luke's sister's name. I know this because T.J. says it here for our benefit. Liz says she and T.J. are getting married week in Stars Hollow. She says they need to do it before the Ren Faire circuit got going so that all their friends could come. You mean there's an off period for Ren Faires? You really do learn something new every day. T.J. says that Ren Faire weddings are great, and goes on about the turkey legs and horses and costumes. No offense to those of you who will probably take offense to this, but there's nothing creepier than a Ren Faire wedding. It's so about weak men wanting to be macho and awkward girls allowing themselves to be put in these damsel in distress/wench/helpless princess/prize roles and with pixie dust and the celebration of a backwards movement in medicine. It's weird, is what it is. Who really wants to wear a suit of armor? Drink mead? I had a boyfriend in high school who loved this shit, and his mom made me -- made me -- a wench outfit to wear to the Ren Faire (unbeknownst to me). When you date Ren Faire boys you have to say words like "unbeknownst." Anyway, thank m'lord that Houston's weather reaches boiling points during Ren Faire season, so the burlap sac that was made for my fine bushels would have given me the vapors for sure and I got to wear my Jane's Addiction t-shirt and some cut-offs like a normal human being. Huzzah.
Luke tells Liz she has to slow down. Liz says that if you slow down, you die. T.J. asked her to be his fair maiden last week, and she said aye. Liz says they're "grabbing life by the ping-pongs." I'd support a constitutional amendment banning that expression before anybody else uses it. T.J. says he's going to have a blast of a bachelor party, and invites Luke, albeit only out of obligation. He jokes that Luke's about 800th on the list of potential best men, but he'd still like Luke to come to the party. Liz tells Luke to tell her he's happy for her. Luke says he's happy and promises to go to the bachelor party. T.J. says it's great that Luke will continue to keep up appearances that they like each other, and then announces that he's off to get some beer. He leaves, prompting Luke to ask how T.J. would know where to go. Maybe the sign behind him that says "Dooce's Market" might be an indication. Liz says that T.J. has a nose for these kinds of things. Does she mean for beer? Liz tells Luke that the wedding is going to be unbelievable. She talks about her dress and how she looks straight out of Camelot and she's so excited to be getting married again.
Inside Luke's, Liz gives her brother a quick description of her ceremony, which will be held in the town square. But that's exactly when Taylor's planned the 45th annual Stained Glass and Jam Festival! Rory's coming home from Yale and everything! Liz tells Luke he won't have to do anything for the wedding. Luke grumbles that he's sure that's untrue. Liz promises that everything's already taken care of. Carrie's going to be Liz's maid of honor. Luke asks whether Jess knows about the wedding. Liz says he does, and that he's not planning on attending the wedding because he's an asshole. Liz says it's no biggie. She's glad her brother's there. Luke promises that he'll attend the wedding dressed as a court jester. Liz pats him on the cheek and says, "You're a good brother." She asks for a slice of his crappy peach pie.
Rory comes home to find Lorelai with pizza, Chinese food, and chips. Rory has provided the Nutter Butters. If you added together the cost of take-out on that table, combined with the price of Lorelai's shirt and designer jeans, plus Rory's outfit, this moment of Gilmore must have cost about $600. Wait. I just saw Rory's leather bag. $1000. Shit. There are Sloppy Joes on that table, too. $1008. The girls discuss how Emily cancelled this Friday-night dinner. I love how the girls are celebrating Richard and Emily's separation by pigging out and ignoring the destruction of their family and financial umbrella. Also: didn't Gran have some kind of billions of dollars that should be raining Benjamins down on the girls by now? Lorelai thinks that Richard and Emily would be humiliated if they knew that the girls knew that they weren't living together, so they're not going to say anything for now. Yeah, that plan worked out swell with Digger. Rory asks how many tapes they're watching tonight. Lorelai explains that every time she started watching something that she thought Rory would like, she stopped watching it. Therefore she's watched ten minutes each of twelve movies. First they're watching Fatso, written and directed by Anne Bancroft. Now I kind of want to see it. If it's anything like the glory of Grey Gardens, it won't disappoint for a second. Lorelai puts in the movie as Rory asks how the inn is coming along. Lorelai says that everybody's got a million things going on but quickly moves on to the juicy gossip of CuteDean and Lindsay headed the way of the Bennifer. Rory and Lorelai have the same attitude toward CuteDean and Lindsay as they have for Richard and Emily, which is to say: forget about them and hit "play."
Luke finds the hovel Jess has been staying in. When Jess answers the door, Luke delivers a great line: "Hey, neighbor! The guys door just ran out of crack to sell, so they sent me over to borrow a cup." This may be the first or second time we've seen Jess out of that ridiculous leather jacket, and I have to say: much better. Kinda cute. Good arms. Hair looks better when it's not trying so hard to be fake punk. Why do they dumb him up with that jacket? Anyway, Jess lives in a hole, but so does any other guy his age who loves Bukowski and breaking hearts. Jess tells Luke he's doing great and that his place is fine. Luke asks which filthy mattress is Jess's. Luke tells Jess he has to go to his mother's wedding. Jess says he'll just catch the one. As Luke goes on about how Liz really appears to like T.J., Jess pouts and heads to the fridge. Luke says they have to give this thing a chance. Luke tells Jess that he'll regret this if he ever manages to grow up and drop his self-destructive behavior: "You are gonna feel like a big, steaming mound of crap that you missed this." I hate when people refer to poo as steamy. It's so nasty. Like "moist." Bleagh. "Moist" and "steamy" aren't good words, people. Has anyone ever seen poo steam? Do you have to live in cold weather to see that, and more importantly, how close do you have to be to the poo in order to see the steam? Also: don't answer that. Jess's pager goes off. Luke asks if he's a drug dealer now. Jess says he's a messenger and has to leave. Jess wakes up one of his roommates, who has been sleeping under a blanket all of this time. "It's 4," he says to the lump on the floor. Luke tells Jess that he owes Luke for all the crap Jess put him through last season. Luke and Jess stomp out of the apartment.
Luke's. He's on the phone with someone, arguing about wheat. Lorelai enters and sits at the counter. Luke says he's ordering the wheat for decoration, not to eat. "No, I'm not going poofy on you, dammit!" he yells into the phone. Boo to that joke. Luke hangs up and asks Lorelai what happened to all the wheat in this country. "Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat?" Lorelai remembers Toto running through it. She orders coffee and asks about the need for wheat. Luke tells Lorelai about Liz's wedding, and acts like she should have known about it, even though Luke himself only found out at the most two days ago. Luke says he got sucked in just like always, giving Liz and T.J. cell phones, picking things up, calling for wheat and pewter. He asks where he could find myrtle. Lorelai tells him not to add stuff from his to-do list to hers. She asks if she's now caught up on all the news. Luke says she is. Jess enters and tells Luke he's not paying for a hotel, so he's staying upstairs. He heads up as Lorelai's all shocked and gasping, amazed that Jess is in town without her getting a memo. Luke says he wasn't sure Jess was coming, since he just went to see him in New York. Lorelai complains that she needed some things picked up in New York. Luke tells her not to add stuff from her to-do list to his. Luke appears to stare right at us as Lorelai makes an awkward metaphor about her to-do list being as long as the birth rate in China.
Yale cafeteria. Glenn hits on a girl and gets rejected when he admits he's been stalking her. Rory gets a cell-phone call from Paris, who is at a hospital.
Jess and Luke get slightly reacquainted in Luke's apartment. Jess makes a beeline to the tape player, and wonders if Luke's listening to Jethro Tull. Luke snatches the tape player out of Jess's hand. He yells at Jess for poking around in Luke's stuff. Jess leaves, telling Luke not to wait up. Luke hits "play" and finds out that his road is impassable. Chapter 7 asks Luke to imagine the fantasy of his ultimate companion. Luke grumpily washes dishes as he listens to his assignment. The man on the tape asks whose phone calls are never unwanted or too long: "Can you see her face?" Harp music plays in the background as Luke's asked who he'd most like to have in his life to ward off loneliness. "Do you see her face?" Who would he like to travel with? "Do you see her face?" How makes him feel better when he's down? "Do you see her face?" Who does he want to talk to first when he's got good news? "Do you see her face?" Luke stares out, realizing, as the man asks Luke, whose face he sees. Luke answers: "Whoa."
Rory gets on a hospital elevator and asks a doctor how she can find out what floor to go to. As Rory babbles, we can hear Paris yelling at someone. Rory exits. Paris is yelling at a doctor that Professor Asher Fleming is an important man, and that they sound like they're planning on selling his organs to UCLA. Paris tells Rory that Asher asked for a moistened towel twenty minutes ago, and nobody's bringing him one. She's freaking out like Shirley MacLaine asking for her daughter's medicine. Ah, man. I did it again. Every time I even think about that scene, I start crying. I'm not even watching the damn movie and now I'm weepy again. When that little kid's all crying at his mom's bed. Weepy. Paris shouts "stat" through the hospital hallways as Rory puts an arm around her and leads her away. Paris explains that she was out with Asher getting a gelato when he dropped his spoon and started leaning on her. It wasn't a heart attack, it was a bout of angina, and apparently the professor is going to be okay. Paris doesn't know why his two grown children didn't come. But what Paris realized is that she's dating an old dude -- one who gets old dude problems like angina. And gout. And possibly incontinence. He's wobbly and weak and sad and old: "He looked so close to death." Closer than she is. Rory tells Paris that an anvil could hit Paris on the head tomorrow and Asher would outlive her. "Anvil" is totally the new "cherry." Paris says she's nineteen and should be rollicking. Rory says that Asher probably didn't rollick at nineteen either: "He's British." Paris says that Rory's probably been laughing at her all this time, for being at a hospital instead of a discothèque. She complains that Asher even orders old gelato in vanilla.
Rory, Sookie and Michel are at Lorelai's house working on some dragonfly embroidery. They debate how to spell the word "laundry." Sookie says that she can stay late tonight, since Davey's with his grandparents and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini. Repeat those last five words about nine hundred times, and that's what the ten minutes of this episode feel like. Lorelai can't believe it's her fault Jackson's spending the night with vegetables and heads over there. Michel's all, "All of us...or...?" Heh.
Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the worst strip club in television history. Notice how the ladies never take off their clothes. The dress code for T.J.'s bachelor party was "flannel and plaid or ugly," so Luke's looking right at home. We've got a double dose of DeLuise here, with the other younger one (the one that was on Jesse; let's just call him "Ted," because why not?) playing T.J.'s younger brother. T.J. tells Luke he'd rather spoon with Liz than be at a strip club. This nauseates Luke. A woman tries to give Luke a lapdance, but he stammers out some excuse and thanks her profusely until she just thanks him back and walks away. I can't even see these guys, the lights are so red in the club. Luke says he's going to keep standing so he doesn't have a lap to dance on. T.J. finds this to be the most profound piece of wisdom he's heard in a while -- that you can't have a lap unless you're sitting down: "A lap is just an illusion." Jess enters, which I think is illegal, and sits down at the table. I'm shocked he doesn't immediately order a lapdance. He does drink a beer. How old is Jess? Luke shakes his head like he doesn't approve, but what else is Jess going to do in a strip club but drink and look at non-naked women? What a weird scene.
Hospital. Paris and Rory hold empty cups meant to represent coffee. The nurse tells Paris she can go in and see Asher. Paris thanks her. She tells Rory she's going to go have The Talk with him: "This can't go on. It's too weird. Tonight's been kind of an eye-opener." They're supposed to leave for Europe soon, so it's best to do this now. ["This is what made me think it was going to turn out that Asher had faked his whole health problem so that Paris would freak out and dump him, and then he'd be free and clear and not blamed for leading her on and jerking her around with invitations to Oxford that he never intended to honour. Which still may happen, I guess." -- Wing Chun] Rory says that's true for many reasons. Paris is all, "What reasons?" and Rory has to backtrack and meander her way into not admitting that she finds Paris' attraction to Asher creepy. Paris asks Rory to wait for her and take her home.
Paris enters Asher's room. He's all dressed, and says she needn't have stayed. She says she has the car keys, and asks if he ever got his towel. "Five of them," he says. "And I'm very grateful. Thank you, Angel." Paris asks if he's feeling better. He says he's feeling much better. He asks her to sit to him. He says a hospital is a great place to discuss something serious: "I want you to know that I'm grateful for every moment we've spent together this past year. You're wonderful company." He tells her that he's had other relationships like this, but that he didn't want her to think he was hiding anything: "There's something very unique about you, Paris. ["Pfft, 'very unique.' I thought he was supposed to be smart." -- Wing Chun] Quite out of the ordinary." Paris says that many people have told her that. Asher stands and says he's going to be very busy at Oxford. He's been writing down all the places he'd like to take Paris, but he's afraid that there's not enough time: "So I was thinking of going alone. Oh, I'd like you to go, but uh, I don't want you to be bored." It appears as though Asher is breaking up with Paris. "You've been writing down places?" she asks, touched. Asher admits that he's forgotten how many there were. He says that if she wants to reassess, he understands. Paris asks him if he wants to reassess. This is how weird brainy people debate breaking up: "We're taking a reassessment." Asher says he doesn't want to reassess. He doesn't want to go to Oxford alone, nor with anyone else: "But then I'm selfish. I get to be. After all, I'm old." Paris says he's not so old.
A young girl asks the nurse for Asher Fleming. She sits to Rory, who tells her, "He'll be all yours in a minute, girlfriend." A little out of character. Asher enters and says hello to Rory. Paris tells Rory she's going to go with Asher to keep planning for England. We find out that the young thing is (of course) Asher's daughter. ["Wasn't it his granddaughter?" -- Wing Chun] Rory stammers an awkward goodbye. I like how she kind of sings it at the end because she's trying not to break into a run. Rory never carries a purse.
I'm so sure this stupid fake strip club has stupid fake mud wrestling. No music at this strip club. Jess is reading a book. In a bar. Now, suddenly, I like him. "I'm having a gay old time," he says. Like him more. T.J. tells Jess that he reads books so often he's thinking about calling him "Reads." Hee! T.J. says that Liz wants Jess to walk her down the aisle. Jess says he doesn't want to. They're quickly in a fight, which then moves into a fistfight. "That's it! This whole group's out!" some bouncer extra says, and they're all kicked out, but I can't see anything because it's all red and stupid.
Michel gives Goonies a shout-out with his whine, "I hate nature." Lorelai, Sookie, and Michel have found Jackson with his zucchini. You'd think Jackson, with his produce company, would have something a little bit bigger than a back yard patch of garden, but you'd be wrong because Stars Hollow is a magical place that requires no logic. All four of them huddle around the zucchini, freaking out at how stressed they are and how crazy everybody's being. Lorelai says she feels like it's crazy to sleep with the zucchini. She apologizes for freaking out about dumb things like zucchini, forcing Jackson to sleep with them. She says that this whole inn experience is flying by because they're too stressed out. Michel says it's nice and warm down there. Lorelai says that they all have to drop one big thing off their list, and everybody else gets to choose what item gets dropped. Sookie tells Lorelai she has to drop the pillows. Lorelai tells Sookie to drop two desserts off the menu, and Michel only to ask for four references from job applicants. They lie back on the blanket, looking at the stars. They talk about how nice it is to look at the stars, and make a rule that they have to look more often. Michel says again that he's very comfortable. Do you think Michel has a cat? The four of them cuddle up on the ground and quickly fall asleep.
Luke and Jess come back to the diner. Jess pouts into a chair. Luke hums: "Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew. A fight. I haven't been in a fight since the sixth grade. Dennis Williams called me a doodyhead. I took it very personally." He says that tonight he achieved a great sense of calm. He realized that Jess is who he is. Nothing's going to change that, so Luke's going to stop trying: "Wish I'd felt this earlier." He apologizes for dragging Jess down for the wedding. "If you really hate your mother that much, then you shouldn't be here." Jess says he doesn't hate his mom. Luke asks if it's because of him that Jess wasn't going to come. Jess admits that he came there because it was important to Luke. He didn't want to come because of Rory, because he told her that he loved her and then drove away. Jess says she could have contacted him in the past three months, but didn't. Luke says that Jess changes his phone number weekly. He tells Jess he did this completely wrong, cutting off the open two-way communication. Luke then quotes his self-help tape verbatim, saying that expressions of intimacy should be given freely and often. Jess asks where he's getting all this crap from. Luke says he learned all of this through life: "I've lived." Jess: "Where? In a Bette Midler movie?" Luke says he's better now. Jess says they're just a couple of losers. Luke says that things change: "Stay tuned." He asks Jess if he really told Rory he loves her. "Huh," he says, and walks away.
Morning. Lorelai, Sookie, Jackson, and Michel wake up, hay in their hair. They roll over and wonder if the zucchini's going to expect them to call tomorrow. Should they leave a note for zucchini? And the funny thing is, now that they've slept with the zucchini, they've kind of lost respect for it, just a little. They all admit they haven't slept that well in a while.
Luke shows up somewhere, I guess at Jackson's, where Lorelai is headed back to her Jeep. Lorelai tells Luke she slept in the zucchini patch last night. Luke asks Lorelai to be his date for Liz's wedding. Lorelai agrees to go with him. Luke says he'll meet her at her house and they'll walk over together. He tells her she doesn't have to wear a fruity outfit. "Oh, I'm gonna be a little fruity," Lorelai says. Luke laughs and leaves. Lorelai gets in her Jeep and drives off.
Luke finds Jess watching baseball. Luke's all smiles. Jess asks what's up with him. Luke hands Jess his self-help tapes, workbook, and boombox and says he's done with them. "Enjoy," he says, and leaves. Jess starts to learn about love as we fade to black.
week: Rory must decide between Jess and Dean, and things with Luke and Lorelai may be heating up. Whoa. I totally wrote that exact sentence two years ago.