Can I just say this whole WB "Fresh Episode" stuff is dumb? Can I say it? Can I? Great. Because I did. Dumb. Television isn't fruit.
We open with Kirk's newest business venture: a pedi-cab. He's struggling his ass off to haul two women who are made up of 30% french fries and 45% coffee. (The other 25%? Words.) Lorelai and Rory are complaining about how humiliating this is, and how Luke won't have any donuts by the time they get there. Kirk struggles, veins popping, pushing as hard as he can on the pedals. Lorelai asks Kirk how he's doing, and points out that he's having trouble forming words. Kirk says he's just fine. "Time just whizzes by when you're...[panting]...riding in a pedi-cab." Gypsy walks by, saying hello. Lorelai and Rory are mortified to get buzzed by someone strolling. Kirk tries to say something, but can't get the words out. Rory asks him to bang the handlebars three times if he can breathe, and twice if he can't. Kirk bangs them only once. Lorelai assumes that means he couldn't make it to twice. She makes him stop. Kirk says they'll only rest for a second, and then they'll be on their way: "Like the wind." Lorelai and Rory get out of the pedi-cab, saying they don't want to hog it from others. Lorelai is wearing a coat I am now coveting. It's like a pea coat, but with white stitching around the edges. Mmm. Pretty. Rory is wearing one of those Marty McFly vests, and the lace scarf we've seen her wear before. I like how they do that for Rory. Lorelai tells Kirk that his pedi-cab is perfect for tourists who want a slow trip around the town. Insulted, Kirk says he wasn't going that slowly. Lorelai suggests that he take a spinning class before the tourist season: "Or buy some legs." Rory and Lorelai walk away as Kirk's indignant shouts fade in the distance. Rory worries that Kirk will hate them forever. Lorelai says he'll only hate them until something shiny walks by. Cue Kirk whizzing past on his pedi-cab: "Well, well, well. Guess it wasn't me that was slowing us down. Guess it was my big, fat cargo!" Rory shouts, "Hey!" Kirk teases Rory for gaining the freshman fifteen, and then heads over to Luke's to get his donut. Lorelai and Rory run to try to catch the last donut before Kirk gets there as we la la la to the opening credits.
Yale cafeteria. Paris teases Rory for eating sugar for breakfast. She's eating All-Bran, which Asher turned her on to. "He's a romantic," Rory says. Rory's wearing another scarf. Paris says that his wanting her to live a long time and be healthy is romantic. Rory calls Asher Paris's "man-friend." Paris says she's off to pick up a sign for their table after lunch, and then she'll meet Rory in the courtyard. Paris is excited about their afternoon plans: it's their "first social protest of significance in college." Ah. You do always remember your first. Mine was "Students Against Ants In Our Dorm Rooms." We bugged the RA for days on end, and I hung a sign that read "Two Legs Good; Six Legs Bad." The only thing you could keep in your room was Pop-Tarts, because they were double-protected in their metallic sheaths and boxes. Paris hopes that she and Rory will be able to get at least one Burmese political prisoner released because of their petition. I gotta tell you, not one ant was harmed due to my sign. Paris and Rory sit down to find Glenn talking to Janet, making plans to pick her up at seven. Glenn tells Rory that he's having a turning point, and even the angry voices in his head have shut up for a moment. Janet -- who looks like a young Madison -- says that her friends are leaving without her for Spring Break, and that she needed a ride. "Glenn has a van, and there you go." Janet tells the girls that there's extra room in the van if they want to go. Rory looks at Paris like they have a date later, and says they probably won't do the whole "Spring Break" thing. Paris: "Ever since I broke up with Moondoggy, soaking up the rays hasn't been the same." I have never done it, either. One time in high school, a bunch of us stayed at a beach house for two days. And one time in college a bunch of us went to a cabin for two days. One time I lived in a hotel in Palm Springs during Spring Break. I learned a lot that week. I was only nine. Rory drinks whole milk. Janet tells the girls that if they change their minds, there's room in the car. Rory tells Janet she should sign their petition for political prisoners in Burma. Janet promises to try, but she's got to run out and buy a new swimsuit right now. Paris tells her to think of all the tortured souls while she's at the size 2 rack. "I hate that she's thin," she says to Rory. Paris now has the same haircut as Rory.
La-la-la-laaaah-la-Luke's. He's testy today, and snaps at Lorelai before she can even ask him for a favor. She shows him the sample stationery and postcards for the inn and says she'd like him to approve, since he is an investor. Luke doesn't think he's an investor, even though he invested thousands of dollars into the inn, which may or may not have been the catalyst for the destruction of his faux marriage, the details of which have always remained fuzzy to those of us who watch every single episode. Luke says that nobody stays in a hotel and uses the stationery or postcards. Well, Luke, I did just today. Used the stationery from a hotel I stayed in, I mean. And when I lived in a hotel? I tended to use the paper. Just sayin'. Also: free paper and pens. And postcards. Totally use them. This is how you know Luke isn't a geek. Lorelai asks Luke if he wants to talk about what's making him Mr. Grumps. Luke comes around the counter and says, "I am not wearing my socks." He explains that he stayed the night at Nicole's place (no longer really his place). In the morning, he got dressed, and soon realized that the socks he put on weren't his socks. He always gets the same socks, with a red stripe. These have a gold stripe. I've learned from the forum that there's a very similar storyline on Sports Night when a character learned that his girlfriend was having an affair, but it was a shirt, not socks. Lorelai offers up a few explanations, but Luke bats them away. "You're not wearing your socks," Lorelai says sympathetically. "I am not wearing my socks," Luke agrees.
Paris and Rory are freezing at their Burmese Prisoner Petition table. Nobody's signing, and the girls are shivering. They have a prop of a bowl of rice. "Enjoy your Maxim," Paris shouts to a student. "You couldn't read that in Burma!" Rory complains that everyone's a hypocrite, not signing their petition. Paris jumps up to tell everyone that they suck. She knocks over their table. We see that the rice is just a styrofoam ball. Rory and Paris bicker until Glenn stops by the table. He puts down a sandwich, puts on some gloves, grabs his sandwich and leaves. He just needed a place for his sandwich, you see. Cue the rain.
Soaking wet Rory and Paris run into their dorm room. A girl staring at the storm asks, "Is it raining?" Paris shouts, "No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot!" Paris and Rory strip off some of their wet clothes.
Rory and Paris run into their bedroom, arguing over who gets the radiator. They strip off even more clothes, frantic, dripping wet, shivering. They jump into their beds, apparently soaking wet, wishing for warmth. Paris realizes that it's warm in Florida. Rory says that Spring Break is "girls gone wild and boys doing the twist." She says that they aren't "Spring Break-y." Paris and Rory say the word "warm" to themselves a few times, mulling it over.
Lorelai's. Rory packs, asking where her bathing suit is. Lorelai doesn't even remember Rory having a bathing suit, but she comes in to help. Lorelai grills Rory on a few things, like what Glenn is driving and whether he is a good driver. Rory is honest in her answers, and Lorelai reminds her that she'll probably have to tell a few lies in order to make her mother feel better. I love Lorelai's blue ribbon shirt. She finds Rory's very chaste one-piece bathing suit. "Now we just have to find the wimple that goes with it," she adds. Hee. Rory asks if she was supposed to clear this trip with Lorelai first, since she doesn't live in the house anymore. Lorelai says she just needs to know about things ahead of time and feel as if she has veto power. She points out that feeling like she has veto power isn't the same thing as actually having veto power. Rory asks if Lorelai's worried. She reminds Lorelai that she's only going to get some sun and to read. Lorelai says that it's always the good kids who have never had a drink who go to Spring Break and go completely crazy and fall out of windows (which happened that Palm Springs Spring Break I experienced). It might have been a good episode to see Rory try new things and go a little crazy. But oh, well. There's always year. Eventually she'll be legally able to sip a glass of wine, and then she'll be crazy. Lorelai tells Rory not to drink, and that after she's done not-drinking to drink tons of water and take two aspirin. My mom would never have let me drive across the country in the middle of the night to go to Spring Break in Florida when I was only nineteen. She didn't even like me going out until 3 in the morning. On campus. ["I had a curfew when I was twenty-one, so all of this is totally alien to me." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai tells Rory to take Paris around with her all the time, since not much bad could happen with Paris in the mix. Glenn honks outside. Lorelai hopes they'll stop by a bathing-suit store for Rory on the way. Rory pouts that her suit is fine. Lorelai says it is nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.
Glenn doesn't want Paris driving the minivan, because she drives how she lives: like an anxious maniac. Lorelai meets Glenn, points to the bumper sticker, and congratulates him on being Student of the Month at his middle school. Glenn gives the nervous laugh of a college student staring at a hot mom. Lorelai tells Glenn that Rory gets carsick so that he'll let her sit up front (for the airbags). Paris speeds away. Lorelai looks nervous.
Here's a snapshot of my reaction upon seeing CuteDean in that Olsen twins movie. My arm shot up, index finger extended to the screen. My mouth dropped, my eyebrows furrowed and I made this sound: "Ruugh!"
The gang arrives at the Sea Sprite Motel in Florida. They drove like the wind, I guess. The hotel is kickin'. Glenn calls Paris a lunatic. Paris says she shaved three hours off the MapQuest time, so they should be thanking her. She takes out her wallet and never puts it back the rest of the time they're at the motel. She tips everyone for everything, barking orders left and right, getting their bags taken to their room (she slips a twenty to get a better view). Janet goes for a short run around the block. "She looks so normal and then that happens," Rory notes. As Paris tips left and right on the way to their room, she explains that she always tips as she goes along, instead of at the end of the trip, so that the staff never knows when the honey pot dries up: "And it keeps them from going through your stuff and robbing you blind."
Paris checks out their room and tips for a VCR. She tells Rory to pull her covers down and roll in her bed so that when the four other girls "and 10K Barbie" come in, they think the beds are taken. That's a lot of girls for one room. Too bad we don't see them for the rest of the episode. Because if I were Paris and Rory (which I pretty much am), there's a great scene they're missing where I watch crazy girls get drunk and leave wet towels on my bed, borrow my makeup without asking, puke in the tub, have sex on the floor while I'm trying to sleep, and then unplug my cell phone to charge their own. I didn't go to Spring Break, you see, but I once lived with an Aggie who had more than his share of crazy Texan girls parade through our apartment en masse, making our place look like a kitchen on The Real World. Paris looks like a crazy person, rolling around, beating her mattress to make the bed look lived in (and if she keeps tipping that housekeeper, no matter what she does she's going to find that bed made up when she returns to the room). Rory eventually jumps into her own bed and rolls around. Rory jokes that she was worried she'd feel stupid. Once they stop moving, they feel relaxed. And tired. And warm. Because they drove for a million hours straight, I'm assuming. Paris gets up to see what all the ruckus is about. Rory follows. They stand outside their room and watch a pile of frat boys pour out of a car. A boy walks by and says hello to Rory. She says hi back. Paris says that in Burma, after such an exchange she'd be married. Rory threatens to make Paris's bed. Paris tips a stranger so that he'll bring her a soda. She says he may not work here now, but with "that mug of his" it's only a matter of time.
Digger ruins his very nice pans by using a pair of metal tongs to scrape and flip potato pancakes. Lorelai enters the kitchen, asking why he didn't wake her. Digger says he tried, but that she bit him. He shows her the bite. Lorelai: "Cool!" She's impressed that he made French toast, but flabbergasted that he also went running, read the paper, and did some laundry before slaughtering a pig to make the bacon for her breakfast. Why does Digger have a giant tomato framed on his wall? That's weird. He's weird. Do you think they still sleep in separate rooms? Lorelai says she has to go pick something up, so she makes breakfast in a bag: French toast in a baggie with bacon and syrup. She kisses Digger goodbye and says that they'll plan their weekend later, when she calls. Digger hands Lorelai a key. "Key!" she says, like a child on Sesame Street. Digger says it's a key to the apartment in case she needs to come over when he's not there or if she has a lot of groceries in her hand and doesn't want to wait for him to answer the door. Lorelai seems so confused by the gesture that Digger begins to take it back, saying that Lorelai doesn't have to carry the key around if she's already got her keychain the way she likes it. Lorelai pouts and offers to give it back. He says he can go either way, if she wants it or not. Lorelai is now breathless, asking what he wants. Digger wants her to do what she wants to do. Lorelai says she'll take the key. They share a very awkward goodbye.
Beach. Rory, Paris, and Janet walk to their tent, which Paris tipped for. How come they didn't bring Tana? Glenn compliments Janet's suit. She couldn't care less. Paris and Rory are dressed like they're about to throw down some serious pinochle while the kids go out with their floaties. Glenn runs off for a hot dog. Rory says she never thought of the beach as loud before. Paris says it's because there's a group of Huns re-enacting Top Gun behind them at the volleyball net. On cue, the volleyball rolls over to them. A guy asks them to throw it back. "No!" Paris screams. Volleyball guy walks over. "I need my ball!" he says. Paris tells him he needs a couple of them. Janet gives him the ball. "Ignore her," Janet says of Paris. "She likes it." Paris tells Rory not to put her towel on the sand. Rory starts to protest, but then the hotel crew arrive with a table and chair set. Paris tips them, orders a fruit plate for an hour from now, and tells them to keep the iced tea coming. "It's like Rory went on Spring Break with Emily," Stee notes. Janet leaves to do laps in the ocean. Paris tells her that ten minutes in the sun without sunscreen can cause irreparable damage. Janet tells Paris that constant shoulder tension causes a hunchback. It does? Shit. Paris hands Rory the sunscreen, calling her "Casper." Louisa and Fraulein arrive on the back of a Beach Patrol truck. Lordy, these girls are hot. Louisa tells Rory that they came for Tulane's Spring Break, and that they haven't really left yet. They've been here a month now. They sit at the table to catch up. Paris applies more sunscreen. Louisa says it took a couple of weeks, but now they own this town. They break down the rules for Rory. Louisa's sounding like Lindsay Lohan these days. Her voice is very throaty. Anyway, she says that it's important to find out which club is hot that night, because that changes. They say it's good to sleep until late afternoon in order to keep up their stamina all night. "Were we really friends at one point?" Paris asks. Fraulein says that some places do card, but that they can get around it with flirting. They tell Rory and Paris how they get everything for free: by kissing each other. Paris says she might pants Rory later for an Altoid. Louisa and Fraulein leave with the Beach Patrol for their nap, but they promise to meet up later tonight. Rory and Paris go back to their books.
Back in their hotel room, Paris and Rory have pizza and The Power of Myth. They are so happy. Rory puts down a towel for the food. Paris says she was checking messages, although she doesn't expect a call from Asher, since he's at a conference in Denver. Rory and Paris jump into bed and talk about how much they love Bill Moyers and The Power of Myth. They talk about how often they've seen it. Rory confesses that Lorelai eventually hid it from her. Rory says it sounds like a party is going on outside. She says that someone must have gotten thrown in the pool. Paris hopes it's the guy who took her five bucks and never brought her a root beer. Rory says she likes the song playing outside. Then she asks Paris if they're doing Spring Break incorrectly -- if they should be outside with all the other people, partying. Paris says they love Bill Moyers. Rory agrees, but says they might not be Spring Breaking correctly. They agree that as long as they're there, they might as well try it and experience it with people outside of their room. Paris agrees to commit. They leave, not turning off the television. They get to the door and see the kids partying outside. They decide to start committing the day, and go back to bed.
Paris, Rory, Louisa, and Fraulein watch boys at play in the pool. Paris complains that she's starving, and is sick of vending-machine food. One of the boys falls into the water, splashing Paris, who freaks out like the Wicked Witch of the East. Rory is on the phone with Lorelai. These girls know how to party. Rory compares the battering rams the boys in the pool are using to giant Q-Tips. Lorelai says she can't get the visual out of her head. Rory says she hasn't had a drink yet, and that she's having a good time. As Lorelai babbles about something, Rory smiles at a boy who has the body of CuteDean and the face of Jess. Lorelai asks whether Rory's pause is due to something cute walking by. Rory is a little thrown, what with the boy smiling at her at all, and stammers that she has to get off the phone. Louisa, Fraulein, and Paris are all smiles. They compliment Rory's taste and ask the guy's name. Louisa and Fraulein are disappointed to see that the blonde twins are at the same pool party. They can't compete with the kissing twins -- two blondes in bikinis, eating lollipops. Louisa and Fraulein leave to find another pool. Paris suggests that Rory get a drink at the bar so that she can go talk to that guy. Rory says she doesn't need to. Paris says that flirting appears to be an important part of this Spring Break ritual, and since she's spoken for, she'll have to live vicariously through Rory. Paris hears of a banana-eating contest and leaves to get some real food before Rory can explain what that probably means.
Upstairs at the bar, Rory grabs a Red Bull. I guess her WPM just ain't high enough yet, huh? Rory asks JessDean if he knows what those giant Q-Tips are called. He doesn't. He asks if that's going to count against him. Rory says it won't. Someone calls him, using a name that sounds like "Shellmack," which is about the unsexiest thing anybody has every shouted, and he leaves. There's a sound of disappointed boys as Paris stomps past: "Excuse me for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!"
And now, like in the middle of a Young Ones episode, we just have The Shins play for, like, ever. Long enough for me to think, "That lead singer looks like if Glark were twenty years older." And then, "And the guy in the hoodie looks like Chris Parnell." Long enough for me to miss Rooney, and I don't even like Rooney, but The O.C. made us all think we loved Rooney for an hour, due to the constant repetition of the word "Rooney." It glommed on to our love of Ferris Bueller, and Principal Rooney. It made us forgive Andy Rooney, and give that Mickey Rooney another try. But with this scene, I don't even spend a nanosecond pondering the space between my knee and my foot, because they don't even tell us that we're watching The Shins. Is that classier? Perhaps. But it does seem terribly random. And this club, with its twenty kids dancing while wearing striped shirts, is the lamest place in Florida. And man, is that saying a lot. Anyway, let me take this nice recapping break, brought to me by The Shins. Thanks, guys. A little birdie with the initials C.C.C. just sent a copy of their latest album to the house. I do appreciate it, as does Stee, whom it was intended for. Do, dee, do, dee, doo. Shins are still playing. Second verse, same as the first.
Rory has a fake ID. I wish we'd gotten to see that scene. She gets in, as do Paris (whom I can't believe would ever carry a fake ID), Fraulein, and Louisa. Okay, this is confusing. Then Fraulein apparently wipes off the stamp that they got for being underage with like, the swish of a cocktail napkin, licks the back of the hand of some guy standing at the bar and presses her and Louisa's hands up to it. So this bar has one stamp for minors and one stamp for those of legal drinking age? What sense does that make? I guess for the ins and outs. Why do I spend so long pondering this stuff? Louisa and Fraulein leave to find drinks once Rory and Paris politely turn them down, and we go back to our regularly scheduled Shins concert.
Paris and Rory laugh at the Shins as if they also think the lead singer looks like OldGlark.
Fraulein and Louisa are unhappy to see the blonde twins (who I don't think are twins at all, and who I'm pretty sure are wearing wigs). Louisa bumps into them, spilling their drinks.
The Shins finish that one song and then leave, as all cameo bands do.
Rory and Paris congratulate each other on finding the one hot club for the night. Paris thinks they should "do something." Rory suggests that they dance. Paris and Rory then bop up and down. Rory's still pouting. Paris isn't quite with the beat. "This is fun," Rory says. Paris agrees. Paris points out Rory's "husband." Rory turns to see that one JessDean Shellmack is indeed in the building. Paris tells her to buy him a drink, or to get Fraulein and Louisa to buy him a real drink for her. Shellmack looks in Rory's general direction, smiles, looks back at someone off-camera, and walks away. Rory takes this as a huge dis, since the world didn't stop revolving and a boy didn't literally trip over himself crawling to her while making her a car and buying her a stack of books. Rory says she just had the shortest relationship ever. Paris apologizes. We see Janet doing shots with a guy who, because of the way it's shot, appears at first to be Shellmack. It's not. Fraulein and Louisa are grinding against some strangers. Paris complains that everybody else is having a better time than they are. She says that they're doing everything right, being in the right place, playing by the rules, and yet aren't having as good a Spring Break as the others are. Rory says they're just not good dancers. Paris says they aren't trying hard enough. While Rory is mid-sentence, wondering what else they could do, Paris grabs Rory by the face and plants one on her. They loop in someone gasping here, but nobody around Paris and Rory even glances over in their direction. Rory asks Paris if she's crazy. Paris says that Fraulein and Louisa do it. Rory says they also wear their underwear outside of their clothes. Rory walks away, telling Paris to get away from her, and adding, "You're not my type."
Paris runs after Rory through the club, asking her to wait. She asks how she was as a kisser. "Aw, man!" Rory whines. Paris says she's always wanted to know if she's a good kisser, and you can't ask a guy because that's a sign of low self-esteem, which she read is really not sexy. Paris asks if she's too stiff: "Do I need to relax my lips a little? Maybe open my mouth more, make it more inviting?" Rory decides that she needs fresh air. She's stopped by Shellmack, who asks where she's going. "Outside," says Rory. Ah, the chemistry. Shellmack asks if he can come with her: "Maybe your girlfriend wants to come too." Then he grins and says that was one sexy kiss. Whatever. This was totally unnecessary, right here. I don't even buy it, nor do I care. Rory leaves.
Lorelai and Digger are walking back to Lorelai's house. Lorelai is going on about how Michael Caine is in every movie, and needs to learn the power of the word "no." Digger, meanwhile, looks like a crazy person, like he's about to flash someone, or rob someone. All hunched and quiet. Lorelai sighs again, which she keeps doing around Digger, so I don't know why she likes him. She complains that he's making her work too hard tonight. That's what she said! Actually, that is what she said. Digger sighs, too. Lorelai says she wore cute boots tonight and did a good job of walking straight and not yelping, but that if she had known she was going to have to do all the talking too, she wouldn't have worn such uncomfortable footwear. Digger says he did it all wrong, giving her the key that morning. He says that the key was supposed to say something. Lorelai: "So it's a talking key." Digger explains that they're at the point in their relationship where he normally breaks it off and walks away. Lorelai thinks Digger is now trying to break up with her, when he's clearly saying that he doesn't want to break it off and that's freaking him out a little bit. Lorelai's all sighing and panting again, so exasperated at every word Digger says. Digger says he couldn't think of anything about her that bothered him. He says he knew he'd be an idiot if he left her, so he went out and made the key. "The talking key," Lorelai repeats. Digger says that he wanted the key to tell her that this was different and that he wanted her in his life even more than she already is. Lorelai says that while it would have been interesting to hear that from the key, it's more romantic to hear it from Digger. They kiss without tongue. And then, because they're so in love and at the point where they want to spend more time together, Digger leaves without a kiss goodbye.
Lorelai walks into her house. She checks her messages. There's one from Luke. He's in jail and needs her to pick him up. Lorelai's mouth drops. She grabs her coat as Luke says he needs her to loan him money for his bail. Lorelai runs out of the house. She may find Digger tiresome, but there's nothing she won't drop for Luke, key or no.
Florida motel. Fraulein, Louisa, Rory, and Paris are sitting at a table getting drunk. Rory tells Paris that she could never date Paris, because she's too high-maintenance. Louisa and Fraulein say that the entire place was buzzing about the kiss, and that even the twins were jealous. Maybe the kiss was supposed to be bigger, or on a dare originally, like, with people watching? Because right now I don't understand the hubbub. Fraulein leaves for more booze. Louisa asks Paris about her love life. Paris gushes a bit about Asher. Fraulein brings back cups of booze, saying she made their drinks a little stronger this time. Rory says that it'll be great to watch the cups dissolve. Paris admits she's a little disappointed that Asher didn't invite her to go to Denver with him for the conference. She wonders if he's planning to dump her. ["No -- just to cheat on her, probably with his wife." -- Wing Chun] Louisa says he isn't as long as he's still buying her jewelry. "He's never bought me jewelry," Paris says. "Asher doesn't have a lot of money." Tenured, esteemed professor at Yale? Okay. Fraulein and Louisa don't understand why Paris would date an older man if he wasn't rich. Rory says that Asher just wants Paris to have fun, which means he cares about her. Then Rory acts drunk, which is painful to watch, as she giggles that there are two of Paris. Paris giggles back and does a lot of heavy sighing, but I saw Whatever, so I know this girl can normally act and this must be a special kind of WB form of acting drunk. Louisa asks Rory about CuteDean. They ask if he's still gorgeous. Rory says he still is, but that he's also married to a pretty, tall, leggy blonde. Louisa offers a prediction. Fraulein tells us that Louisa is recently psychic. Louisa declares that CuteDean's marriage won't make it. "Two married nineteen-year-olds," Paris says. "Boy, that's a risky bet." Louisa says that CuteDean isn't over Rory yet. Rory says that they are still friends, but that it's all over. Fraulein finds CuteDean's number in Rory's cell phone. They then drunk-dial CuteDean, handing the phone to Rory right as the voicemail picks up. Rory stammers and giggles her way through a rather tasteful message, all things considered. There's no "And that's what they call closure" moment or anything. AB Chao take note: sometimes you can drunk-dial someone without having to end with the words, "Fuck you, Pam." Rory shrieks that she's going to kill Louisa and Fraulein, but first she's going to go get some air because she's way too drunk.
Luke points to his truck outside his/Nicole's place. Lorelai stops her Jeep and tells Luke he doesn't have to tell her what happened if he doesn't want to. She says she won't even ask about it in her lifetime, even when Shirley MacLaine tries to tell her. Luke says he just wanted to see who it was, and that he had a feeling Nicole was seeing him tonight. Nicole was vague on her plans, so Luke said he'd stay at the diner, but then he drove up there and waited and saw Nicole getting out of a car with a guy. They went inside and they're still there. Lorelai asks if he's sure the man inside is the owner of the socks. Luke says he didn't ask, but that even if the guy isn't, it's still not a very good picture. Luke wonders how Nicole could do this in their house: "I put bookshelves up in there." Lorelai says she's sure that guy's not using the bookshelves. So Luke isn't even sure who's inside Nicole's house, or what's going on in there, but he was so upset that he started kicking the guy's car over and over again until some cops came because of a neighbor's call and then arrested Luke. I can't believe Nicole didn't come out when Luke was kicking a car outside her window. She and her friend must be pretty absorbed in each other not to notice something that loud. Luke says he doesn't know what "Nicole and the Sock Man saw," but he feels like an idiot. What the Sock Man Saw is a good name for a book. Luke says he doesn't like being a jealous guy who does crazy things. Lorelai asks whether there was damage to the car. Luke says there wasn't, and then gets out of the car. He walks over to Sock Man's Volvo, or whatever. Luke points out all the points of interest -- where Nicole was, where she is now, where he was arrested, and so forth. Luke's yelling now that he can't believe Nicole and the Sock Man are still in there. He says that he knows what they're doing in there, and even if the Sock Man took one of those pills from the Super Bowl, at this rate they should be at the hospital, because erections lasting four hours, while rare, are serious and require medical attention. Luke gets more and more upset and then begins kicking the car again until Lorelai pulls him away. Luke says he's fine. Lorelai says that the car will soon start fighting back. Luke calms down. Lorelai says she knows she's never been too supportive of his relationship with Nicole, but that she's so sorry about this, and that he doesn't deserve it. "Well, I guess that's it," Luke says, giving up on his relationship without ever talking to his wife again. Lorelai says at least she finally got to see his house. Ah, Stars Hollow. Will you ever have a marriage survive a year? ["First of all, Jackson and Sookie. Second of all, Nicole and Luke's place was in Litchfield." -- Wing Chun]
Rory and Paris flop drunkenly on the sand. They go over their Spring Break checklist. They went out. They danced. They got drunk. They kissed. They will soon throw up. They decide they've done Spring Break. Rory says they've participated and they have no desire to ever feel that way again. Paris offers up some frequent-flier miles to go home as soon as she can get up. Paris and Rory see Glenn surface out of the water, a huge new tattoo over his chest. Rory asks what happened to him. Paris says that the last time they saw him, he went to get a hot dog. Glenn -- apparently tripping balls -- starts shouting the words "hot dog" over and over again as he serpentines across the sand, screaming his head off. Somebody had better put a bar over his window tonight. Rory and Paris laugh, because when you're in college there's nothing funnier than someone more fucked up than you are. Rory says it's been a pretty good trip. Heh. I get it, Rory. Pretty good trip.
Lorelai is freaking out on the phone because she called the hotel (why not Rory's cell phone, her lifeline?) and found out that Rory had checked out. Rory, safely behind her desk at the Yale newspaper, apologizes for not telling Lorelai the second she decided to go home. She can't believe she's in trouble not for going to Spring Break, but for going back to Yale. Lorelai says she had visions of Rory swallowed by whales or hanging with surfers. Rory admits that she had a drink: "Paris and I took turns throwing up." Lorelai: "That's the way you girls will find yourselves a husband." Rory says she had aspirin, water, mac and cheese. Lorelai is proud that her daughter had her first hangover food and wishes she had a picture of it to display to Rory's clay handprints. Rory says it was interesting. She gets another call as she says she and Paris watched The Power of Myth and kissed. Lorelai's all, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You watched The Power of Myth?" Rory takes the other call. "I hid that from you!" says Lorelai. Rory clicks over. It's CuteDean. She clicks back and lets Lorelai go. CuteDean says he got her message. CuteDean does this thing where he can't stop exhaling as he speaks, which means he's trying to be casual and fun. He says it sounds like Rory was having a lot of fun out there. He says he has a couple of questions for her: "And, heh, I even wrote a couple heh down." What? Rory makes him write out his questions? That's weird. Can't CuteDean remember three questions on his own? Aw, man. Why can't Rory just find someone decent? Why can't Lorelai? Why do these girls have to have unsatisfying relationships? Is it that hard to find someone smart, funny, and sexy? Can't they write a guy who has all three of those characteristics? Why is this so hard? When will I have a crush on a television character? You know the last time that happened? Officer Thomas Hanson. That ain't right, people, that I haven't had a TV crush since 21 Jump Street. And yes, for the record, this is all about me.