Yale. Rory opens her common-room door to find Lorelai, who I'm guessing is still spending nights on Rory's extra mattress. Lorelai's carrying a box full of things and a rolled-up rug. Another throw rug? She asks, "Hey, you know what's so great about you going off to college?" "My new-found independence?" Rory asks. "Oh, no," Lorelai is quick to dismiss. I don't know what Rory's wearing, but I think it's a mistake offered by Clothestime. Lorelai says she likes the extra excuses to shop, like the purple, flowered rug she just bought that wouldn't go with her room, but would look great to Rory's bed. They slowly amble over to Rory's room. Either they have Alexis in some weird shoes for this scene or she's trying out a new walk, because her hips keep swiveling from one extreme to the other like a little girl pretending to walk like a fancy lady.
In Rory's room, Lorelai says there's a matching beanbag chair that will be delivered week. "I love it when you miss me," Rory whines. Lorelai unrolls the new rug. Rory thanks her. Lorelai goes into the care package and unpacks food from Sookie and Luke. Lorelai also brought Rory a copy of the Stars Hollow Gazette (Headline: "Famous Leaning Pine Breaks in Windstorm"). Rory, however, already has a subscription, making her the only person ever to have a subscription to the Stars Hollow Gazette. Rory says she didn't want to get cut off from the town. Lorelai asks Rory if she'd like to get some coffee before she heads back, but Rory says she can't because it's "Shopping Week." Not the fun kind of shopping that Lorelai's familiar with, either. In Yale's first week of school, you can try out as many classes as you want before you register for the semester. And Rory -- who must have that spell Hermione uses to be in three classes at once -- has picked out over fifty classes to audit this week. Rory brags that they all sound "completely amazing," and that she stayed up all night reading the class descriptions over and over. ["I did that in the summer before I registered in my first year. Every section in the calendar sounded great and I was all, 'I could major in Labour Studies! I could major in Film!' Then I ended up taking English and Comparative Literature, and by my second year, all the joy of learning was gone forever." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai: "You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would have had the crap kicked out of you every day of your life." Rory asks Lorelai to walk her out. "Because you need the protection," Lorelai answers.
Back in the common room, Lorelai asks Rory when her first class is. "Oh, you know, soon," Rory answers. Lorelai asks if Rory's planning on rushing to her first class, getting there an hour early. Rory smiles and then says, "No." Lorelai teases her, saying she knows that Rory's planning to do just that, because Rory tried to do it every year she was growing up. Lorelai cites the example of the time Rory said that the teachers wanted to meet all of the parents before school started, so they got there at 6:30, only to find that the school wasn't even opened yet. There are times I wish my mom watched this show, and it's when they have lines like that -- describing stuff I used to pull -- when I think my mom would really enjoy it. Unfortunately, my mom doesn't understand The WB. She's only now realizing there's a network called FOX. Lorelai interrupts her lecture to sniff the room, looking suspicious. "My mother was here," she concludes. "I can feel it." Rory says that Emily has not been in her dorm room. Lorelai says she can smell it in the room: "It smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5." Rory says that Lorelai is wrong. Lorelai asks if Rory put the coffee table in that position. Rory didn't, but says she has three other roommates, and this is the common room, so one of them might have done it. Lorelai asks when her other roommate arrived. She looks genuinely surprised, because she's been there just as much as Rory has, and doesn't know how something slipped past her. Rory's roommate's name is Janet. "What's she like?" Lorelai asks. Rory takes a breath and looks up before she says, "She jogs." Lorelai flops her hand over dismissively, as that's explanation enough. Lorelai asks if Rory can smell the room. Rory says she'll get one cup of coffee with her before she heads to class. "I knew you were early," Lorelai says. Rory says she's not that early. Before heading out the door, Lorelai pokes her head in once again for one last sniff.
Rory arrives at her first class. I guess Yale's a smaller school than I had imagined, because this freshman class is just a conference table with about fifteen chairs around it. ["Seminar. Or -- as I gather they sometimes call them in the U.S. -- tutorial." -- Wing Chun] In this case, the chairs are all empty, because Rory's the first to arrive. But I never had a core class that didn't involve at least thirty other people, sometimes three hundred. Even my acting classes had eighty people in them for the first year. Rory takes a seat at a corner table, but then changes her mind, gets up, and moves to another seat. The other week, I was at a function where I didn't know anybody, but I took my boyfriend with me. He didn't know anybody, either, so he ended up watching me do my "I don't know anybody" dance, which involves me changing seats, looking around for where I'm "supposed to be," and freaking out about whether I should get some food, or if I'd lose my good seat, if that's even a good enough seat. "Are you okay?" he asked. "You're just watching my life when you're not around," I answered. "It's scary," he said. "I know," I agreed. In fact, I sometimes try three places on my couch before I start my recap. I just hate being early and picking a spot only to realize it's the wrong spot, but it's too late to move because people will think you're moving to avoid them or that you're snobby or whatever, so you're stuck in this place that has a glare or is too hot or you can't hear and you got there early enough that it didn't have to happen. Hm? You want me to recap Gilmore Girls instead of using you for a therapy session? Fine. If you insist. Rory pulls out her copy of Atonement, because she's go that kind of time before class. But she's too nervous and anxious to read. She stands up to move again, but the door opens, so she quickly plops back into her seat. Luckily, she's just been joined by a boy, so she has something to stare at. They both sit and stare at each other quietly. That's when either the instructor or the TA arrives to pass out the syllabi. "Freshmen," he laughs before leaving the room.
Lorelai has Sookie (whom they haven't given pregnant boobs to) sign and date a bunch of forms. They wax nostalgic over the days when they received paychecks. I'd hate to see Lorelai's credit-card statements these days. Wait, I'll look at my own, and then I can imagine. I don't have a daughter at Yale or an inn I just purchased, but I am paying for a car and have student loans. I'm sure that's comparable. Jackson climbs a stepladder and asks Sookie to hand him a screwdriver. She grabs a clamped hand, finds the screwdriver and lifts it up to Jackson so that she doesn't have to move. Jackson is still wearing his button. Lorelai tells Sookie that they have to meet with the liability-insurance man tomorrow before they can break ground on the inn. Lorelai says she also knows the initial estimate for the renovations, but she doesn't want to cause Sookie's water to break, so she'll tell her later: "Once you have the baby, then you can have the cow." Jackson comes down from his ladder and says he's pretty sure he's gotten everything rigged up. He places a baby monitor to Sookie and tells her he's going to the nursery. Lorelai tells Sookie that the estimate is $20,000 more than they thought it would be. "That sucks," Sookie decides. The ladies are interrupted by feedback, and Jackson calling out. Sookie explains that Jackson's trying to wire the entire house for the baby monitor. "I am in the baby's room. I repeat, I am in the baby's room," Jackson says. Lorelai dubs this the cutest creepy thing Jackson has ever done. Jackson asks if anyone can hear him. Lorelai yells that she can, but Sookie says that they're supposed to use the walkie-talkie. Sookie picks up the monitor and gives a 10-4. She tries to report that they're getting some feedback, but she's interrupted by more feedback, and Jackson calling her name. He can't hear her, and they've got a one-way connection. Sookie yells louder, but Jackson can't hear her. She gets up and runs to the nursery, screaming, "I can hear you just fine!" Lorelai notes that this system is going to work great. Jackson walks back in, asking why they aren't using the walkie-talkie. Sookie tells him it's not working, so he takes the monitor away from her.
Sookie walks back toward Lorelai and tells her she's got a thought. She says she knows that it's going to take a while to get the inn up and running, and until they do, there's no money coming in, so maybe they could start a catering company to have a little money on the side. Lorelai would do the party planning, and Sookie would do the cooking, just until the baby comes. Jackson brings the monitor back into the room. I can't believe they don't use this moment to accidentally tell Jackson the sex of his baby. Lorelai says she's not really a party planner, but Sookie reminds her that she's planned many weddings and conventions for various groups of weirdos at the Independence Inn. Lorelai says she had a staff at the Inn, and resources. Bring back Michel! Sookie argues the logic of manpower and funds with the reasonable "Aw, come on. It'll be so much fun to work together!" Lorelai says she'll think about it, and asks how long she has to think about it. "About a week," Sookie says. Helen Thompson's son Aaron is having a birthday party, and asked Sookie to cater, so Sookie suggested Lorelai plan the party, and Helen thought it would be a fantastic idea. Sookie took the job. It's Thursday, so the party will be on Aaron's actual birthday. She says she can call and turn it down, but maybe they could try this one gig to see if Lorelai likes it. Jackson's voice comes over the monitor again, and Sookie gets up to find him so that he knows she can hear him. "Use the monitor!" Jackson wails. Sookie apologizes. Lorelai looks down.
Rory has bought quite a few books, considering that she hasn't registered for classes yet, and books are so expensive. She wiggles her way into the hall, balancing a cup of coffee on top of her books. A guy in glasses rushes past her, informing her that Russian Economics sucks. "I will make a note," Rory says as she opens her door.
Rory doesn't get very far before she drops everything, saving the cup of coffee. It's dark in Rory's room as she stands up, amazed. We pan around to see that the entire room has changed. I love the gigantic coffee table that looks like books stacked on top of each other. Heh. Tana is sitting on one of the chairs, reading. Rory quietly asks Tana -- like JoBeth Williams asking Carol Anne if the TV People are here -- where all the furniture came from. "I don't know," Tana says. "It must have been here when I got back." Rory's cell phone rings. It's Emily, who says she was going to wait for Rory to call her, but that she doesn't have as long to live as Rory does. "Did you sit on the couch?" she asks. Emily says she didn't want to get the couch too soft, since Rory would be studying there as well as watching television, so she didn't want it to be too comfortable. Emily must have picked out every sofa I've ever had my entire life. "You did this?" Rory asks. "Of course I did it. My granddaughter's a Yalie now. She needs to live like a Yalie." Emily says she snuck in yesterday while Rory was in classes to measure, and then she buttered up Tess to let the movers in. She asks if Rory has seen her entertainment center yet. Yowza. Rory's got a giant plasma TV, VCR, DVD, 5-CD player, turntable, and 5.1 SurroundSound. ["No TiVo? Then that setup is horseshit!" -- Wing Chun] Emily says that the man who sold it to her recommended that she get "Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon." Emily raves, "It's supposed to be amazing!" Rory says that this is all very sweet, but that she has roommates, and this might make them a little uncomfortable. When, exactly? When they're jamming to CDs while studying, or when they're inviting nine people over to watch The Sopranos on Sunday nights? Rory says that this is the common room, for all four of them, and with all of her furniture in there, it looks like she's laying claim to the room. "Exactly," Emily says. "Never underestimate the power of the upper hand, Rory. You're in the real world now. Status matters." She tells Rory that she and Richard are very proud of her: "Enjoy the furniture. We'll see you on Friday." Rory hangs up the phone and informs Tana that her grandmother broke into their room and furnished it. "Did she put that fireplace in, too?" Tana asks, incredulous. Rory tries to explain to Tana that the fireplace has always been there, because it's a fireplace, but gives up in the middle of it. Aren't there, like, five floors in this building? How is there a fireplace in every room? "Hey, why don't we take a little tour of the place, okay?" Rory asks. "Great!" Tana says. Rory and Tana stand up and walk out of frame. Tour where? What place? Huh? Can't you see the couch and television from right there? Where did you guys go? Oh. Commercial. Okay. Moving on.
Lorelai's at home, and all you MILF fans are gonna get even creepier when you see she's wearing a pair of cat-eye glasses. Lorelai runs as fast as the strummy-strummy-la-la music into the kitchen, grabbing a napkin and a plate. She hustles out of the kitchen, peeking into her bag of food. She takes the phone off the hook and jams it under her chin, making her way over to the couch. She sits down, sipping her drink. The phone rings. Lorelai answers: "They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the Jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party." Rory, who's eating her own Tupperware meal, says, "Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment." Lorelai: "You win." Rory says she feels like she's at Uday's house. Lorelai asks what the roommates thought of their new room. Rory says that Tana still doesn't know she's at Yale, Paris saw it and said nothing (prompting Lorelai to moan that Paris must be planning something for later), and Janet's out jogging. Rory hopes that Janet is pleased, because she's in shape and can kick Rory's butt. Lorelai says that Rory should put something on television for Janet when she gets home -- something soothing to runners, that goes in a circle over and over again. Rory says that the redecoration is a total invasion of privacy, and that some of the furniture Emily got rid of might have belonged to someone. Janet comes home at this point, sweaty and still working out, and waves at Rory, who waves back. As Lorelai goes off on her Emily Rant of the Week, Janet pulls out an exercise ball and proceeds to do push-ups in front of Rory, who's still eating chips. Lorelai actually does an "I told you so" here, and Rory tells her not to gloat. Lorelai tells Rory to do almost exactly what she's already done -- to tell Emily she appreciates the gesture, and that the furniture is lovely, but that because it's a dorm room, Rory has her roommates to worry about, and there's a chance this nice stuff could be stolen. Rory says that sounds good. Lorelai tells her then how Emily will call her ungrateful and small-minded. Rory pouts and says she can keep the furniture. Lorelai tells her to say something if she feels strongly, but that she should be prepared, and that Emily did all of this to Lorelai without the furniture.
Richard comes home to find Emily picking out fabric for the sitting room. Richard dismissively chooses one. Emily barks that she was looking for exactly his kind of enthusiasm. Richard says that Emily has excellent taste, and that whatever she chooses will be fine. Emily asks if he needs ice, comments that he seems tired, and reminds him that some men retire. Richard says that some men tattoo their mothers' names on their biceps. He says he needs a drink and a nice meal. Emily tells him that he got a phone call from Jason Stiles today. "Digger Stiles?" Richard asks. He says that he has nothing to say to him. Emily says that Jason might have something interesting to say to him. Richard reminds us that Jason works for the company that let Richard go, and that they phased him out unceremoniously. Richard says that Digger's probably been sent to do his father's dirty work: "It's not enough to fire me; they have to continue to harass me now that I'm gone." Richard pronounces it "hair-iss." Emily says she thought Richard always liked Digger. Richard says he liked Digger when Digger was Richard's personal assistant, but not as his father's heir apparent. Emily says that Richard doesn't have to return the call if he doesn't want to, but that Digger's coming for dinner the night. Emily says she was only being polite in asking Digger to dinner, since he was insistent upon speaking with Richard, but that she can cancel if Richard feels strongly enough about it. Richard says that Digger can come over, but that he's not staying for a drink. Emily says she'll hide the liquor bottle so that Digger doesn't get any bright ideas. Richard says it's extremely comforting to have such an understanding wife at times like these. "I'm so glad," Emily says.
Yale. Paris runs into the too-dark-for-studying common room to tell Rory that the first party of the year is going to be on their floor. Rory tries to get comfortable on the couch, but Emily did too good a job at making it a studying seat. Paris says that the party is very important, and that if they leave their door open, then they're part of the party -- one of its hosts. Paris asks if they can leave their door open, to guarantee invitations to parties for the rest of the year, so that everybody knows who they are. Rory's not sure she even wants to partake in this party, because she wants to study, and she's not sure she wants to open her door to a bunch of strangers. Paris throws a hissyfit. She wants people to owe her a good time. She points out Rory's fancy furniture and big television. If Rory didn't want her roommates to think she was taking control of the common room, you'd think that Rory would let Paris have the party, possibly getting her stuff stolen, proving her point with Emily. But Rory's being a party pooper just because she suddenly doesn't like fun or new people. Rory says that this isn't "suck-up" furniture. Paris calls Rory selfish, and I think I must agree. "I hate college!" Paris shouts, and storms out of the room. I love Paris.
I don't understand where Lorelai gets the money, but they now have a fully functional Lord of the Rings costume shop in Lorelai's kitchen. Sookie and Lorelai go down the list, checking off items. Lorelai asks Sookie if she should order a LOTR cake. Sookie says that the cake is under control. Lorelai then tells Sookie her job and asks if the menu consists of bagel dogs, mac and cheese, and potato chips. Sookie doesn't really answer, but looks really patient as Lorelai tells her to make colored popcorn balls. Sookie asks how many adults are going to be there. "Probably about ten," Lorelai says. Lorelai's shirt is supposed to be the lyrics "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with," which I guess is rather appropriate in Lorelai's case, but her shirt says "your" instead of "You're," so I keep staring at her shirt trying to figure out what it's supposed to be, because I assume they wouldn't make a shirt with that mistake.
Lane enters, due to popular demand, and has brought all of the LOTR stuff she could find in Stars Hollow. She found a horn, a bow, and a cape. Lane then tells the story of how she wore a bracelet to school that day, which prompted the school to call her parents. She was given a special service in chapel and must attend a soul-searching seminar week, where she'll sit between the nail-polish-wearing girl and the condiment user. I wish Lane got to have more to do in this show, because the fact that she's letting herself be caged in and obeying her strict parents at an age where she no longer has to is quite fascinating. I would think MamaLane and Lorelai would exchange all kinds of words.
Lorelai's phone rings. It's Paris, who tells her that Rory isn't adjusting well to college. Paris tells Lorelai that she knows it's tempting to stunt her daughter emotionally so that Rory will return home and take care of Lorelai in her old age, but that Rory has the ability to have something better for her, by making lasting impressions in college that will change her fate in life. Lorelai asks if something happened. "She won't open the door for the party!" Paris whines. Rory comes home just as Paris calls her "Heidi's grandfather." Rory is shocked that Paris called her mother. She takes the phone. "Hi, honey," Lorelai smiles. "How's school?" "I'm rooming with a Stephen King novel," Rory tells her. She explains that she doesn't want a million strangers traipsing through her room, and that she's sorry Paris bothered Lorelai. She says she'd like to kill Paris, but Lorelai reminds her that if Rory cuts off one head, Paris will just grow another. She asks about the party. Rory says it's nothing -- just a first-week-of-class kind of thing. She says she might go. Lorelai says it's not a bad idea to know the other people in her building, so she can know which one has the emergency Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts are very important in college, and I practically lived on them. They don't have to be toasted, can still be heated in a microwave, are double-sealed in the box and packages to protect them from ants, and since they only come in three packs of two, you know when someone's swiped your food. Because Lorelai suggests that Rory open the door, Rory decides to open the door. Because whatever Lorelai wants, Lorelai gets. "Yes!" Paris says from her room. "This isn't for you!" Rory shouts. No. It's for her mommy. Lorelai tells Rory that she might have fun, and that Rory should call her later. Rory says that if she doesn't, she's sure Paris will. "Tell her thanks for me!" Paris shouts. "I will not!" Rory shouts back. Awkward fade to commercial as Rory hangs up the phone without saying goodbye.
Tana comes into the common room wearing Rory's Chilton outfit. She's so excited to wear it to the party that no matter how stammery Rory's concerns are, she can't be persuaded to take it off. The best is when Rory informs her that it's her Chilton uniform, Tana nods, smiles, and kind of points at the Chilton insignia. Hee. Paris runs in to discuss what their room's theme will be. Note that Rory is packing up her precious belongings to hide during the party. Rory doesn't think the room needs a theme, but Paris wants it to be, maybe, the deep-conversation room, since Rory already nixed the idea of its being the make-out room. Paris says that this party allows her the chance to start all over. Nobody knows the old Paris here. She can introduce people to the fun Paris Gellar. She wants everything to be different this year. Rory -- touched by Paris's confession -- reluctantly allows Paris to have one burning candle in the room. Thanks, Emily. Paris is ecstatic to be granted a candle. I love Paris's shirt. I wish there were a rummage sale at the end of the season where you could go and buy all the old outfits.
At Aaron Thompson's richy-rich party, Lorelai is trying to con some kid of out of his ring. But the kid won't do it, blah blah blah preciouscakes. Helen Thompson hates her life. She brings in two more kids for costumes. Their names are Redmond and Riley. Who names someone Redmond? Lorelai introduces herself as Cruise Director Julie. Another kid runs up and whines, "Lorelai! My hood is loose!" Riley -- apparently quite an asshole -- says, "Her name's Julie, stupid!" Then Redmond, Riley, and Hoodie get into a fight about cruise directors and whatever, in the course of which Hoodie calls Riley a retard. I had to turn the closed-captioning on because asshole Riley's a mumbler. He says, "You fart with your face." There are times when I remember why I don't have any children. And those times are ages two to twelve. Lorelai tells them that Lord of the Rings is all about the love. Hoodie says it's about the destruction of all mankind. Lorelai tells them to go play lovingly. Helen is upset to find out that Lorelai hasn't brought any swords for the kids to play with. A girl runs up and whines that Riley (seriously, this kid's an asshole) told her that only boy Hobbits can go up to Mount Doom. Lorelai, for some reason, tells her that's true, but that's because girl Hobbits have to do much more dangerous things: "Ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?" Do not leave this woman unattended with your children. Sookie shows up here and waves her hand. "So girls go on adventures, too?" the little girl asks her. "And they go in heels," Lorelai says back. Yay, gender inequality for all. Sookie asks if Raleigh and Cheech are here. Those are their two hired chefs, I guess, because Lorelai says they've been chopping away for an hour. Sookie asks if there are enough costumes. Lorelai says that the screen is up, the tables are set, and four kids are crying, so they're right on schedule. Lorelai shouts that it's coming up on Elevenses and the Hobbits are hungry. The kids cheer back, so Sookie runs to the kitchen. The sword man shows up, and the kids swamp him. Lorelai and Helen look at each other nervously, which I don't understand, since Helen was just wanting swords but Lorelai didn't have any. Who's the sword guy? Why the worry? What? No explanation? Okay. I'm cool with letting it all go. I totally don't care about Hobbits, anyway.
Digger shows up at Emily's house. They compliment each other. Digger tells Emily she's cheated God. That's because she paid for God to go to Yale, and God owes her for the rest of His life. Emily asks Digger how his mother and his mother's horses are doing. All are fine. Emily knocks on Richard's door. Digger tells him he appreciates him taking the time to do this. Emily tells Digger to say goodbye before he leaves. Emily mouths "Be nice" to Richard over Digger's back before she goes.
Digger asks Richard how he's been, and whether he may take a seat. Richard's a little terse with Digger, who's full of compliments. Digger tells Richard he'd like to be Richard's partner. He wants to join forces, move into Richard's office, snag some fancy stationery. "I'm prepared to buy my way in," Digger adds, in addition to bringing with him all of his fancy clients, which are in some ways better than stationery. He says that, together, they could make Richard's company unstoppable. Richard's not buying it. He thanks Digger for coming, but says he's not trusting the son of the man who fired him. "Am I such a joke to you?" Richard asks. Digger assures Richard that he's no joke, and that he was the best his father ever had. Richard asks why he'd believe Digger was serious about being partners, since Digger's been working at the company since he was a little kid, and has been groomed to take over said company. This scene is probably more fun to watch than to read. Sorry about that. There isn't really anything to dig on, either. It's just an informative scene. Anyway, Digger says he doesn't want to take over his father's business, but would love nothing more than to screw his dad over. He wants to work someplace that isn't full of people who call him Digger: "Can you imagine his face? No, really. Take a moment. Picture it." Richard does, and he's amused. "It's a pretty good face, isn't it?" Digger asks. Richard says it's rather satisfying: "You hate your father that much?" Digger says he doesn't hate him; he just doesn't want to be him. Richard asks Digger to join him for a drink. They leave the room, and Richard tells Emily that Digger is going to join them for a drink. Digger's pager goes off just then. (I love it when fancy rich people are still in the world of pagers.) He asks if he can use the phone. It's a little awkward, so it seems obvious, like we're supposed to be suspicious of Digger's sudden need to use the phone in Richard's office, to be in Richard's office unattended for some time. But he does. Richard tells Emily that Digger wants to leave his dad and work with "the best." "Good for Digger," Emily says. Richard says he told Digger he'd think about it, since he doesn't need anyone working with him. Emily says it'd be nice for Richard not to have to work so hard. Richard says he doesn't mind hard work. Emily knows that, but says it'd be nice if he didn't have to do it so often. They agree that Digger is a very nice boy.
Sookie is preparing the tables with fancy tablecloths for the chafing dish, covering up the paper LOTR tablecloth. The look on Elijah Wood's face just over Sookie's shoulder -- this wide-eyed shock of how many words are coming out of those ladies' mouths as they argue over the tablecloth -- is the same look I've got as I think about recapping their dialogue word for word. There's really no need. Lorelai tells Sookie that the chafing dish is dangerous for little kids, who could burn their hands on the candle. "Isn't that how they learn?" Sookie asks. Hee. Sookie goes to put the chafing dish back in the kitchen as the chefs arrive with the fancy food. Brie, which is for the adults -- the ones who are supposed to keep kids' fingers away from the candles under the chafing dish.
Paris is enjoying the Yale party, asking everyone if they're having a good time. She introduces herself to everyone, including a man leaning against a wall who's clearly thirty-six years old. Paris's room is full of jocks, making each other do push-ups. She runs over to Rory and declares that they have the best room. Whatever. Rory -- who isn't enjoying herself at all (nor is she drinking from one of the red or blue plastic cups) -- sneaks into her bedroom to find out what's happening in Atonement. Then she stops and thinks for a second. She gets up and leaves again.
Rory walks all the way out into the main hallway, where she happens to bump into Louisa and Fraulein, who just happen to be showing up! Fraulein's hair is short because she's in that Gina Gershon movie. "I thought you were supposed to be at Mills!" Rory says. "Mills went bye-bye before I unpacked my shoes," Fraulein says. Louisa tells her that Fraulein's been hanging with her over at Tulane. Fraulein's not going to college? I worry for her. And I'm really curious as to how these two girls have been "party-hopping" from New Orleans to New Haven on the first week of classes. Louisa's somehow dating a Harvard man, which is where they're headed . He's going to be a writer, he hopes, and right now is freaking out that The Simpsons won't be around when he graduates. [Insert Comic Book Guy voice here.] There's no way in hell that Louisa would date a smarty who wants to write for The Simpsons. [end CBG.] Rory says that Paris is around there somewhere. Fraulein hopes Paris is over by the guy over there, because that's where she's heading. "We'll be back," Louisa purrs to Rory as they slink away to skank up Suite 3.
Rory spots her quiet guy from earlier. He's leaning into a corner, holding a red plastic cup. Rory appears to be heading his direction, but she's stopped by a pair of blonde twins, the kind who finish each other's sentences. They quickly try to determine the proper nickname for Rory, and I'm glad they don't settle on "Ro-Ro." The girls are Kate and Nicki, and they've been sent over by Emily to be friends with Rory. Emily and the twins' mom are DARlings. Rory says it was nice meeting them, but that she has to find her roommate. The girls follow Rory back into her room. They lead Rory over to the couch as they debate giving her an astrological nickname. The twins begin conversing with each other about Emily's good taste, as Rory sits between them. Somehow they already got the memo that Emily decorated Rory's room. The twins then make me laugh by leaning in, upset, practically shouting at each other. Kate: "Did Mom tell you about Christmas?" Nicki: "Yes! Hawaii." Kate: "Can't even imagine what's going through her mind." Nicki: "Walt Disney could not even imagine what was going through her mind." And then, for some reason, we fade to commercial.
Paris ditches the annoying debate she's standing to ("You let the guy who pumps your gas vote?" "Yes. That is what America is about." I love that the guy indignant about the gas-station voter is dressed exactly like a gas-station attendant.) Paris finds Rory in between the twins, who are now upset about a dream one of them had where everything they say about sunscreen was true. Paris tells Rory, "I don't think I'm having fun." Rory smiles that the night isn't over yet. Paris asks what's up with the Gabor sisters. Rory tells her that they are friends of Emily's. Paris complains that everybody has a group but her. Janet's got runner friends. Tana has all the John Nash types. Even Rory has her obligation friends, but Paris has nobody: "I'm stuck over there listening to a bad talk-radio session." Rory suggests that she and Paris kick everyone out and go to bed. Paris says she's just going to try harder: "I'm determined. Things are going to be different this year." A "drunk" boy walks over holding a full beer and says into Paris's face, "Hey! Here's my year." Paris runs past him and screams that the party is over and everybody has to leave immediately: "Take your gross beer and inane conversations somewhere else. Move!" Rory fake-complains that her roommate is kicking everybody out. Paris yells at the twins, "Hey! Bim and Bim! Up! Let's move. Now." Rory sort of apologizes, saying there's nothing she can do about her roommate.
Cut to the same plasma television Rory has, playing Lord of the Rings. But it's Aaron's birthday party. Wow, those kids are up crazy late on a school night, huh? And there's sunlight outside the windows, so I guess we're shifting around in time. Helen tells Lorelai that some of the kids are starting to get hungry, so they should get the food ready for the second the movie is over. Lorelai finds Sookie and tells her to put the food on. Sookie says she's already done that. She stirs the garlic aioli for the blanched vegetables. Lorelai asks where the kids' table is with the kid food. Sookie flirts with her salmon as a young girl walks in complaining that she's hungry. Sookie offers the girl some gravlax. Both the girl and me ask, "Some what?" ["Fish. Ick -- I wouldn't eat it either, and I'm a grown-up, sort of." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai anxiously asks where the kids' food would be. Sookie tells her to relax, and explains that, without the chafing dish, she couldn't put the food out just yet. The young girl tastes a carrot, hates it, and puts it back on the tray. Sookie asks why she would do that. "It tastes like diapers," the girl tells her. Sookie starts yelling at her to take it back, so Lorelai advises the girl to go back to the movie.
Lorelai pulls Sookie into the kitchen and asks where the food that doesn't taste like diapers would be. Sookie tells Lorelai that she's not stupid, and that she's the one who booked this gig, and who had the idea to cater in the first place. She pulls out a roasting pan and says, "Here is the children's food for the children's birthday party." It's macaroni and cheese. It's also green because Sookie has made it with a jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce. Lorelai says the kids won't eat that because it's green. Actually, they probably wouldn't eat it because of the jalapenos, but whatever. Sookie says they haven't even been offered it yet, and that once they try it they'll love it. Lorelai asks where the rest of the food is. Sookie says there isn't any more food because kids are small and don't need to eat much. Lorelai says they talked about this, and that there should be hot dogs and pizza puffs and chips and popcorn balls. Lorelai is yelling at Sookie, scolding her cooking. Then she scoffs when she sees the cake, which is covered in fruit. It's a rum raisin, tropical fruit ganache chocolate cake. Lorelai moans, grabs Cheech, and gives him a list of items to go out and purchase from, like, six different places. There's no way they're going to have the food ready in time, and I'm still not sure how Lorelai and Sookie are going to make any money off this gig, considering how much they've already spent. But once again we see Lorelai hand off her credit card. I'll bet this will be important later, because every episode has featured her using that piece of plastic to buy something expensive.
Sookie asks what Lorelai is doing. Lorelai starts going through the freezer, hoping there's something to tide the kids over for a little while. "I'm talking here!" Sookie yells, and Lorelai patronizes her, saying it's all going to be okay. Sookie says she knows it'll be fine, since she's been cooking all week long, made four different cakes before choosing this one, and is tired of Lorelai acting like she's an idiot: "You are supposed to plan the party and I'm supposed to do the cooking. That's the arrangement." Sookie says that the cake is incredible. "Not if you're an eight-year-old," Lorelai says. Sookie asks how she knows that. Lorelai says that she had an eight-year-old who knew other eight-year-olds, and that her taste right now is about the level of an eight-year-old's. Mine too. Sookie tells Lorelai that she can't just come in here and take over; that wasn't the arrangement. Sookie says that Lorelai is not the boss of her, and that they're supposed to be partners. She says she's a great chef, and that great chefs don't have kids decorate cupcakes. ["Dude, that's totally what I'm doing for my birthday this year." -- Wing Chun] A little girl walks in at this point and asks for a juice box. "Hey, we're talking here!" Sookie screams at her. Close-up on the little girl's face as her mouth points down and she starts to cry. Three episodes this season, and two of them have had this same shot. "Oh, yeah," Lorelai says, rushing to the fridge. "What's the matter with her?" Sookie asks. "Is she sick? Why is her mouth open?" Lorelai hands the little girl a juice box and talks to her about grape flavoring. I'm surprised she doesn't mention bikini waxes again, or perhaps dildos. The little girl, placated, goes back to join her friends. Sookie looks as scared as the little girl as Lorelai says that she didn't mean to take over like that. She felt a crisis coming on and snapped into crisis-solving mode. "I can't do this," Sookie says. She doesn't mean catering; she means parenting. Sookie says that she made that little girl make that face: "This is not right. This is all wrong. I don't want to be pregnant anymore!" Sookie storms out of the room. Lorelai asks if she's planning on walking it off.
Sookie walks over to the television room, but Lorelai whispers for her to come back. Sookie says that a child isn't a duvet cover, and that you can't just take it back if it doesn't like you. Lorelai says that kids are like golden retrievers, and are notorious for liking whomever they go home with. Sookie says that when kids don't like you, they tie you to a chair, brain you with a bat, set fire to the house, and blame it on the neighbors. Lorelai says that now Sookie can't have kids, nor live to them. Sookie says she doesn't know how to talk to kids, or feed them. She covers up their party cloths and sets fire to their fingers. She makes them eat jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce: "I'm Mommie Dearest!" Lorelai tells Sookie to go back in the kitchen. "No!" Sookie shouts. "I can't go back. I've got hummus in there! God knows what I'll do with it!"
Lorelai pushes Sookie into the kitchen and asks Raleigh to make sure the kids have enough soda. You mean lime spritzers? How did they get soda? Raleigh leaves, and Lorelai sits Sookie at the table, telling her to calm down. "I'm gonna fail!" Sookie says. She frantically points to her stomach and says, "Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!" Lorelai tells her to breathe, and to drink some water. She tells Sookie that everything is going to be fine. Sookie says that kids don't like her, and she's not so sure she likes them. Lorelai assures her that she'll like her own kid. Sookie says that, at family gatherings, when the kids perform for the grown-ups, she reads. Jackson's niece likes to sing Mariah Carey songs for everyone after dinner, but Sookie heckles. She has no desire to play with kids. Easter egg hunts bore her. She has never borrowed the neighbor's kid to look after for the afternoon. I am Sookie. She concludes: "'Come on, Jackson! Let's have a baby! I want to be a mommy!' I'm pathetic." Lorelai says she's not pathetic. Sookie is in tears as she realizes that she's going to be a bad mother: "I shouldn't be a parent." Lorelai says that there are many people who shouldn't have been parents, like Mr. And Mrs. Hitler, or the Bin Ladens. She insinuates that she's as bad as the aforementioned offspring by saying that Richard and Emily didn't need to procreate. Wait. Is she saying her parents are as evil as the elder Hitler and Bin Laden generations? Yikes. Lorelai concludes, "But you? No way. You're gonna be a great parent." Sookie asks how she knows. Lorelai says she saw Sookie with Rory growing up. "Who could not like Rory?" Sookie asks. I know a forum of girls who are dying to sign a petition, Sook. Lorelai assures Sookie that she'll be an amazing parent, and that her son is very lucky. Sookie nods, smiles, and says she guesses it'll be okay. They get up and stop crying. Sookie promises that she's okay. She checks on the other room and quickly comes back in to say that someone threw up on the table. Sookie tries not to throw up herself, but needs to leave the room and have Lorelai deal with it. Oh, man. What if your kid grew up to be truly evil? Like, kills people and destroys kind of evil? What do you do? And what if your kid turns out to be an asshole? Can you stop your child from being an asshole? ["I hear you." -- Wing Chun]
Yale. Rory puts on a robe and wanders out into the mail hallway. I don't know why, since she has a bathroom in her suite. But whatever. She finds a naked boy sleeping on the floor of her hall. It's actually the naked boy she's been seeing all day. And he's right by the entrance, which apparently has no security whatsoever. Rory wakes him up using the tie of her robe. They say hello to each other. "I'm on the floor," he says. "I have no clothes on." He realizes he's on the wrong floor. He asks how long he's been there. Rory doesn't know. "Great," he says. "Now for the rest of my time at Yale I'm going to be The Naked Guy." He says that tomorrow, when the nickname starts spreading, he'll be on his third hour of throwing up. Rory says there's a chance that nobody but her has seen him, since it's been quiet out there. She promises not to tell anybody. She says that if he refrains from passing out naked in future parties, he might get a completely different nickname, like the Never Naked Guy. He goes to stand, but Rory -- who hates all things sexual -- turns around and gives him her robe. As he dresses, he asks if she was in his Japanese Fiction class today. She says she was. He says his name is Marty. She introduces herself, but he says he won't remember that tomorrow. He says he should try to find his room and his pants, since his keys are in said pants. "So pants first," Rory tells him. As Marty slumps up the stairs (no elevators?), he complains that he's officially proved himself to be stupider than his brother -- something he never thought would happen.
Emily's. Rory is leaning against her car, drinking coffee, when Lorelai pulls up in her Jeep. Rory says she's decided to confront Emily about butting out of her life. Lorelai sniffs Rory's thermos to make sure there's no booze in there. Rory drops the thermos inside her open car window, confident in her decision. Lorelai tells her to wait for the right moment. Rory says that the moment is here. It arrived in a big pink hat with feathers, screaming, "Notice me! I am here!"
Emily lets Lorelai and Rory into the house. She says that today's been a circus. She misplaced everything she needed, from her grocery list to her ticket for the shoe repair. Rory tells Emily she needs to talk to her. "Yes, Rory. What is it?" Emily asks. Rory can't seem to find the words, and in the silence that follows, Richard enters to announce that he's going into business with Digger Stiles. Richard says they're getting together later to hash out the details. Lorelai says she didn't know Richard was looking for a partner. Richard says he wasn't, but that Digger was looking to strike out with the best, and really screw over his father. He says he was intrigued and tickled to find out Digger's intentions: "What a wonderful world we live in that the son of my enemy hates his father and I benefit from it all. It's downright Elizabethan." Richard then laughs an evil chuckle. Emily is incredibly unamused when she finds out Digger's deepest desire is to bite the hand that has fed him his entire life. She thinks it's selfish and immature, and that Richard shouldn't go into business with Digger: "He's obviously very troubled." She doesn't understand that kind of thinking: "He does not deserve to be paid back for all his love and devotion like this." For some reason, Richard can't understand why Emily feels this way. Emily says she no longer wants to talk about it and leaves the room, saying she never liked that Digger. Richard follows her, bickering away. Lorelai looks at Rory and makes chicken sounds. "It wasn't the right moment," Rory says. Lorelai clucks some more. Rory says she didn't chicken out, but that it'll have to wait until Emily isn't so angry. More clucking until we fade to black.
Hey, that album by The Streets is very good, if you're looking for an additional recommendation.
week, CuteDean probably makes a huge mistake.