The Lorelais' First Day at Yale

Props to Jackie, who I just met at a party last night, where she began telling me about this awesome website where she recently spent hours reading recaps of Gilmore Girls.

Previously: Rory. Yale. Nicole. Yale. Yale. Fighting. Married. "Married?" "Married! Sheesh!" Yale. Tomorrow. Which is...now.

As Rory jams a few more aerosol cans into her suitcase, she complains that it's all Lorelai's fault for making her have too much stuff, by inculcating in her a rampant penchant for consumerism. I turn to Stee and say, "Five bucks, Daniel Palladino wrote this episode." Rory asks when she became one of those girls with dozens of beauty products, most of which are expendable. For me it was the day I stepped foot inside a Sephora. "It used to be a touch of mascara, dab of Coppertone, zip, bam, boom," Rory adds. Lorelai shouts from upstairs that she only heard Rory say "Copper" and "boom." Stee asks how I can tell that Daniel Palladino wrote it. "High W.P.M.," I answer. Rory asks what's taking Lorelai so long upstairs. Lorelai says she's looking for the camera. "Oy vey, she's looking for the camera," Rory moans. "I heard that," Lorelai says as she comes down the stairs, missing the opportunity to execute a perfect You Can't Do That On Television moment. "That she hears," says Rory. Lorelai is excited to record important moments in Rory's life with her camera. Rory asks whether Luke knows that Lorelai can't drive stick, since the truck she borrowed from him has a standard transmission. Lorelai says she can drive stick. "You can stir coffee with a stick, but you can't drive a stick," Rory notes. Lorelai is glad she didn't choose to record that ugly moment in her daughter's life. As Rory grabs her trash bag of clothes, Lorelai says that this is a good moment to record, the moment Rory leaves for Yale. Unfortunately, Lorelai isn't very happy with any of the poses Rory offers, and suggests that she bust out the "going-off-to-college walk," which she then demonstrates. "You look like Alfalfa coming to pick up Darla," Rory says. Lorelai hands Rory the trash bag, but complains that it looks like Rory's taking out the trash. Rory says that's enough, and they're leaving. Lorelai says they'll have to make do with one of the pictures she already took, and that she'll Photoshop an important person to her, seeing her off, like Henry Kissinger or Lady Bird Johnson or Pat Summerall. Rory suggests Orson Welles. Lorelai says it can't be a dead person. Rory says that Pat Summerall is dead. Lorelai says he isn't. Rory says he is. Lorelai says he's not. She says Lady Bird Johnson is dead. Rory says she's not. Lorelai asks for a bet. Rory says five bucks. Lorelai says they should Google them right now. Rory says they have to get to Yale. Lorelai says that Yale can wait for a Google. Rory pulls Lorelai out of the house, without so much as a goodbye to her home. And since they started this bet but never finished, I'll let you know that both Pat and Lady Bird are alive and kickin'.

Luke's. Luke asks Rory why she's not already at Yale. She says she's on her way. He tells her that she looks really calm. Rory admits that she's a little nervous, but that her last fix at Luke's would really do the trick in calming her down. Either these girls get up at the crack of dawn, or their morning moseys much like mine does. Luke tells Rory she can have whatever she wants today, on the house. He asks where Lorelai is. Rory stammers that Lorelai's having a wee bit of trouble with the truck. Luke looks up to see his truck backing up toward the restaurant. He asks what she's doing. Rory says that Lorelai had a little trouble getting the truck out of Reverse, so she backed it up all the way to the diner.

Luke runs outside and finds Lorelai, who tells him that there's something wrong with his truck. He tells her to stop, and that she can't drive a stick. Lorelai says that Luke has an uncooperative stick. For about four seasons now. Ba-dum-bum! Lorelai gets out of the truck and wishes Luke good luck. Luke gets into the truck and pops it right into gear. "Written by Daniel Palladino." I collect five bucks as Lorelai shouts, "It's a misogynistic truck! It's anti-woman! It's gender-selective! It's 'Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up!'" One of my favorite things is when Lauren Graham makes that "Oh" noise, pretending to be a boy trying to think of what he's about to say. Luke parks the truck at the curb. He tells her she can't borrow the truck. Lorelai pouts that it's already full of Rory's stuff. Luke says Lorelai should have hired movers, and that she said she could drive stick. Lorelai says she can't drive the "Joe Six-Pack" of sticks: "Not the 'Oh, let's scratch our bellies and eat some Corn Nuts and pick our teeth!'"

Back in the diner, Luke tells Lorelai to be careful, and asks to have the truck back by 4. "Four-ish it is," Lorelai agrees. Luke says he needs the truck back by 4. Lorelai says she'll try. Luke wants a promise. Lorelai calls him possessive. Luke says that he's the one who actually possesses the truck, so yes, he is possessive of it. Lorelai says she's kidding and tells him to calm down. Stick tease. Luke admits that he's not in much of a kidding mood, what with all of the divorce proceedings. He says that the law firm Nicole works for sent the lawyers over, and when he called to ask a simple question, they insisted on sending someone over to talk about the papers with him. A guy we're supposed to believe is Cesar hands Rory a bag of food. That's not the same guy, is it? Rory tells Lorelai that she got her Yale Special to go -- sausage wrapped in pancakes, tied together with bacon. Lorelai asks Rory if she made that up. No, the Mayo Clinic did. Luke hands Lorelai a piece of paper on which he's drawn a "shift diagram" for her. He says D is for "drive." R is for -- "The R in drive!" Lorelai shouts excitedly. "R is for 'Reverse.'" And 1 is -- "The loneliest number that you'll ever know!" Luke is still not in the mood for kidding. Lorelai promises she can handle it. Luke wishes Rory good luck at school; no hug.

Rory and Lorelai leave as a "guy in a suit" shows up at the dinner. Luke is prompted to say "goody." He's Russell Bynes, and he's with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Petruchio, Stein, Lemming and Stein. (Petruchio is the name of the male lead in Taming of the Shrew. Sage is the name of my family dog.) "And the sun just went down," Luke grumps. He says he only wanted to know where he should sign, and that it didn't require a visit. Mr. Bynes says there isn't a place to sign because this is just a document informing him of the type of action being filed. "Didn't you read the papers?" Mr. Bynes asks. Luke gives Mr. Bynes a rundown of today's newspaper: "I didn't kill anyone. Nicole and I just accidentally got married and now we want out." Maybe he should call Nicole. "We both want the same thing," Luke insists. The lawyer tells Luke not to "play" him. Luke doesn't want to talk anymore, and Mr. Bynes says he should only be dealing with Luke's legal representation anyway, and that Luke's refusal to give Mr. Bynes Luke's lawyer's information will only prolong the process. Luke asks if Mr. Bynes will leave once he gets the lawyer's name. Mr. Bynes says he will, and produces a pen. Luke tells the oldest lawyer joke in the world -- "Dewey, Cheatem and Howe." This joke so old that the punchline is "And how!" -- a phrase we haven't said since people picked up the phone and said, "Operator? Get me 294 Beacon!" Aces, Johnny. Aces! Mr. Bynes calls Luke immature, and says his bosses are going to want to hear about this. Luke says he's sure Mr. Bynes's bosses have heard that joke before. He then gives Mr. Bynes his lawyer's phone number (555-5555). The lawyer leaves, but Lorelai returns, holding up the stick diagram. "Nothing's where it says it is," she whines. Luke turns the napkin upside down. I hope Cesar gets hit in the face with a cream pie !

"Yale." Rory drives her fancy car and parks it behind the truck. Lorelai tells Rory that everybody at Yale already hates her for her parking spot. Like there isn't a freshman parking lot. The only girls who got to park on the street in front of my dorm were basketball players and faculty. Rory and Lorelai are parked at meters, but they don't bother feeding them. A girl comes up to them and asks for a name. Lorelai immediately begins lying that someone told her it'd be fine to hold the spot -- some guy with a name and a jacket. The girl says she's just wondering what Rory's name is, since she's a freshman orientation girl. I'm going to keep comparing this to my freshman year, just so you know. We had to go to UT for a weekend during the summer to learn about the gigantic campus, and register for classes, and get accustomed to things so we didn't become completely unhinged on the first day. But that first day at school, during "Moove-In" (Bevo, the mascot, is a Longhorn, you see), you basically got your parents to drop your stuff off. You then had to move your car a million blocks away to your designated parking spot (the Kinsolving parking lot had forty-five parking spaces for a dorm that held about a thousand girls), and then your parents were gone. There was no advisor. There was only you, a cart, and the hundred-dollar bill your father gave you when nobody was looking so you didn't sell your plasma in the first month of school. The girl looks over her clipboard going, "Rory Gilmore. Rory Gilmore. There you are!" Actually, the clipboard would have said "Lorelai Gilmore" and for some reason on this girl's list, the G's are right at the top. The girl and Rory shake hands, and Lorelai takes a picture. Rory would be embarrassed, but the girl tells her that all parents do what Lorelai is doing. The girl introduces herself as Tess, and says she's Rory's freshman counselor. She says she'll be living in the building to help Rory with whatever she needs. Lorelai says that Tess looks twenty-one, which will be convenient for beer runs. Tess says she'll be giving a tour later for "Durfee girls," which is I guess the dorm Rory's living in. Rory recites the itinerary for the day. "Yeah, she's not weird or anything," Lorelai promises. "She just has a good memory." Tess says she sees that Rory brought her own mattress. Lorelai starts lying again about how people told her she could do that. Tess says it's fine as long as Lorelai arranged for someone to come and dispose of the old mattress. Lorelai says she did that. Tess tells Lorelai to get her camera ready, because Tess is giving Rory her key. Lorelai takes a picture, and Tess tells Rory she'll see her at the tour. Good thing you don't have to show ID or sign any paperwork before handing off the key to one of the dorm rooms. Lorelai says she's dying to see Rory's room, and they start grabbing bags.

As they walk to the dorm room, Rory can't stop fretting over the fact that Lorelai didn't really get anyone to come and take the old mattress, and therefore she really shouldn't be allowed to have the new mattress. This is something I would have fret over as well. I always got nervous when the rules weren't being followed the way that they said they should be followed. It wasn't until much later that I developed a more Lorelai-like attitude of "What do they care, as long as the mattress is gone?" By the end of this episode, the mattress will be a part of the opening credits. I love that Rory's dorm room is the first dorm room when you walk into this outdoor corridor. That looks so safe -- one tiny wooden door separating you and the outside world. That'll be fun when they have to walk down the hall to their community showers, clad in only a robe or a towel, holding a shower caddy. Lorelai unlocks the door and walks in.

Holy crap. Rory has the best dorm room of all time. It's the size of Felicity's apartment. Rory is worried about where the fire exit is, but Lorelai is too busy warming her hands by the fire. Whatever! I hate Rory and I hate Yale. And there are like, two couches. Even if this is supposed to be some kind of common room for the two suites that are attached, this is insane. It's a room you normally see for upperclassmen who are advisers. Rory complains that a piece of her campus map ripped off. Lorelai finds Rory's room while Rory complains that she's missing half of the old campus now. Lorelai opens the door. ANOTHER FIREPLACE. The fury! Lorelai says that this is the place where Rory will be thinking all of those impressive thoughts. Rory's too busy looking for fire escapes, maps, and rules to follow. She can't find the phone jack. Like this apartment isn't already wired for Ethernet, and has a cordless phone. Rory finds, in her handbook, a place to get replacement maps. But it's on the old campus. Lorelai grabs Rory and pushes her back out of the mansion, saying that Rory missed everything about seeing her dorm room for the first time. She calls a do-over. Rory whines that they need to unload. Lorelai threatens to rip up the map if Rory doesn't get in the moment. Rory swears she's here and she'll try to be all here. Lorelai opens the door. "Wow," Rory says. "It is cool. My own space." Lorelai reads the initials on all of the doors and admits that it's also the space of "P.G.s, J.B.s, and T.S.es." (Keep that in mind, those of you who know the rest of this episode. Now we know the fourth suitemate can't be Louisa or Fraulein or Lane.) Rory finally sees the fireplace. Rory opens her bedroom door and agrees that they need air freshener. She hugs Lorelai and thanks her for making her get in the moment. Lorelai thanks Rory for pretending that she's in the moment and not freaking out about her phone jack, her map and finding the old campus. Rory says it's her gift to Lorelai. Lorelai tells her to unload so that they can get her a new map. Rory runs off. Lorelai looks around the empty room. She leaves, her camera still on the desk.

The tour. Tess is telling this group of girls that the dining-hall hours are set in stone, and if you miss it, you don't eat. Finally something that sounds like my own college experience. "And it's a post-9/11 world, so your IDs are important," she says. I saw how strict security was back when Tess handed Rory's dorm keys to some girl on the street who just happened to be Rory. Tess goes on about how important the IDs are -- that students should "always, always" have them, and that they operate the laundry facilities and are used as meal cards as well, so we know that Rory is fixing to lose her ID in about two episodes. Another orientation advisor leads her tour through, saying that if someone's stupid enough to get drunk, she will not hold a bucket for them. She says that street parking is severely restricted, so they should walk or take a shuttle when they can. Tess tells the other advisor that she's touring the "first floor, Durfee." The other advisor says she's walking "third floor, Bingham." They make fake sympathy sounds about their freshmen. Tess tells everyone to get an internet ID whether or not they think they'll use it. Oh, I bet it's barely used at all at Yale, huh? The internet? "It'll be your name at Yale dot E.D.U. and there's no changing what you get." Then I guess they all already have internet ID's, huh? The girl in line behind Rory begins teasing Rory for taking notes, asking if she thinks there's going to be a test. Tess shouts that there are a hundred girls behind them waiting in line to get their IDs, so they need to keep things moving. Unfortunately, we can see that the line only goes about ten people back. Tess tells them not to "get precious" about their ID photos. I had to wait in line for three hours to get my ID. It was 108 degrees, and in the middle of Hour Two, I got my period. I turned around to the guy in line behind me and said, "You have two options. You can be a dick and take my space when I go to the bathroom, or you can let me back in and do something nice today." He let me back in. It was the first time I had ever been truly assertive to a stranger, but I was angry, and hot, and sweaty, and bleeding, and I couldn't believe how inefficient the system was that it takes three hours to get a student ID, but you need one to do anything on campus, and there's only one place to get one in one of the largest universities in the nation. By the way, best picture ever taken of me. I'm sweaty, I'm pissy, I'm so jaded -- I look like a model. I've never taken a better picture before or since. I still have my student ID. I love it. A guy who looks like Jess is running the photo ID computer, and he tells Rory to sit down. Before she can do anything, he's taken her photo. For some reason, the monitor that shows what the camera sees is facing us, and not FakeJess. A stunned Rory wanders way from the folding chair.

Tess tells everyone always to have their keys on them, never to open the door for strangers, and always to walk in twos at night. Who are these hints for? She asks if anyone has questions. They don't. "Later on, you'll have questions," she tells them. "Now go do stuff," she says, and walks away. Rory wanders back into her enormous dorm room. A small girl with frizzy hair shoots past Rory and quietly sits in a chair. Rory decides not to say hello or introduce herself to her new roommate. Instead, Rory goes to her own room. So friendly. She stares at the new girl from behind the mostly-closed door. The girl is studying a map. Lorelai walks in, shouting to Rory, asking if she's back. Lorelai stops when she sees the new girl in the room. She smiles, but doesn't say hello. Neither does the new girl. Rory and Lorelai make faces at each other. Rory calls Lorelai into her room.

Once in Rory's room, Lorelai asks who that is out there. Rory claims that the girl followed her in there "like a puppy dog." Someone likes herself, huh? Lorelai says that the girl might be lost. Rory just now figures out that the girl could be one of her suitemates and now she's off to a great start. Lorelai: "Do you know how vulnerable you are to venereal disease?" Rory: "All hail the queen of the non sequiturs." Lorelai says she was just at a parents' orientation that was a non-stop litany of the horrors of the freshman experience. "You're supposed to carry a whistle, a flashlight, a crucifix, and a loaded Glock with you at all times." Rory says they should go out there so the girl doesn't think they are hiding. Lorelai warns Rory not to shake hands because of the bacteria, and that they shouldn't tell the girl where they live.

Lorelai and Rory lean out the door and look at the girl again. Lorelai tells Rory to say something -- anything. They walk over to the girl. Rory says hi. The girl says hi, and stands up. There's quiet as the three stare at each other for a little while. Finally, the girl opens her mouth and offers, "I'm adopted." Rory looks at Lorelai and says, "You're up." Lorelai asks her name. It's Tana Schreck. Lorelai does all of the introductions for Rory. Tana tells the girls that as they're ransacking your room, professional thieves tend to start on the bottom drawer and move up so they don't have to close drawers before opening the one, thus saving time. Lorelai says she'll never store her valuables in the bottom drawer. Rory makes a pitifully wounded face. Tana admits she's not so good at extemporaneous speaking, so she memorizes a few conversational facts that she can whip out at a moment's notice. She promises that once she gets to know the girls, the facts will be more catered to their personalities and hobbies. Lorelai asks Tana how old she is. Tana is sixteen. On Tuesday. "Happy birthday, Doogie," Lorelai says. Tana thanks her. Tana's parents are at "the hotel." Tana's mom is napping, and her dad is taking a schvitz. Lorelai says that she and Rory have more stuff to do, but maybe Lorelai can meet Tana's parents when she and Rory come back. Tana promises that her parents make a very good first impression. Lorelai and Rory start to go, but Tana asks Rory if she's nervous. Rory admits that she is. "Okay," Tana smiles. "Good." Rory leaves, and Tana waves with her hand near her other hand, in a wrist-twisting motion. Tana waves like Rory hugs.

Out in the hallway, Lorelai gives her assessment of Tana: "Odd, but nice." Really? Guess you gals haven't come across that kind of personality before. If only there were a place where all the odd but nice people could live, and have pageants and contests and festivals, where someone could open an ice cream shoppe or a dance parlor or a Pancake World, where everybody knows everybody, but nobody dates anybody except Lorelai or Rory. Hmm. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Lorelai says this is it. She tells Rory to learn a lot of stuff and to keep in touch. Rory promises to exchange Christmas cards and maybe send a letter once a year with an update. Lorelai tells Rory not to joke anymore, and that she's only masking her pain. Rory will be home in, like, three minutes for Friday dinner with Emily. Lorelai: "I love you. Did you know that?" Rory says she suspected it. They hug. A guy bustles by holding a box with a mini-fridge in it. Lorelai is instantly furious that she didn't get Rory a mini-fridge. She says that Rory needs one for late-night cram sessions when everything's closed. She looks into another dorm room and realizes all of the things Rory will need that she didn't get, like an area rug, or vases with fake flowers, or trashcans, or things to make the room cozy. I can't believe Lorelai hasn't mentioned anything about Rory's co-ed dorm. Lorelai says she is going to make another trip to bring back Rory everything her precious heart needs for her first day at Yale. My parents were upset that I took two bath towels from their matched set. Lorelai says she'll be back in a couple of hours. "Copper boom," she says. Rory asks what that meant. Lorelai says it was what Rory said this morning when she was trying to hurry her up. Rory says that Lorelai missed a bunch of stuff in between. Lorelai says it's catchy, and tells Rory to go unpack. They shout "copper boom!" to each other. Lorelai starts looking in a grown man's Container Store container for ideas until Rory chastises her. "Copper boom!" Lorelai leaves. Was I the only one who didn't even remember "copper boom" or was it because I was busy making a wager at the time those lines were said?

Rory unpacks her large books. Tana comes in and says that the other suitemate has arrived, and that she's a little weird. She says she can't remember her name because she's terrible with names, but she knows it's the name of a city like Athens or Rome or something. We then hear the sounds of our beloved Paris. Rory leaves her room, shocked. "How shocked are you?" Paris asks her. Paris is out of uniform, which is wonderful, and her hair is out of ponytail, which is great. And I think she's getting to wear her real boobs and not that Ace bandage anymore, so I couldn't be happier. Paris informs Lorelai that she's going to Yale, and that they're going to be suitemates. Paris tells Rory to give her a hug, but first she checks it out with the bald man who has been at her side this entire time. He nods, so Paris runs to Rory and hugs her really hard. Rory says that this is a "massively big surprise." Paris says she was going to call, but then thought it'd be better to be right in Rory's face. Rory says she can't feel her face anymore. Paris says that this is a good thing. Rory agrees, but then pushes her nose to the side and says it feels like clay. Paris introduces Terrence, her life coach. "Your what?" Rory asks. Paris says, "Don't judge." Her nanny went and opened a pupuseria in Boise, so Paris was lost. Her rabbi once again conferred with her therapist who talked to a hypnotist who suggested a life coach. Terrence is her own personal queer eye for the queer gal. She says he's done so much for her, already, from updating her wardrobe to finding her a kick-ass gyno, to making her be able to cope with the little things. Paris wheels to the side, squints, and tells Tana, "For instance. The old Paris would have been bothered by your penchant to hover. It would have made her want to wring your neck until your eyeballs popped out." "Oh," Tana says. But now Paris just accepts it because she can't control it. Paris shakes Tana's hand as Rory introduces her. Tana tells Paris that in ancient times, surnames often reflected a person's origin or occupation. They were descriptive, as well as utilitarian. "So what does Tana mean?" Paris asks. "Nothing," Tana says. But Tana's not her surname, so.... Paris asks Rory how her face is doing. "Better," Rory says. Paris peeks into the bedroom they'll be sharing and gleefully announces to Terrence, "I got my southern exposure!" Terrence gasps, "I'm a happy camper!" Rory says this is a "weird, weird coincidence." Paris says it's not really. She had told Terrence all about Rory, and he felt strongly that Paris's life journey with Rory wasn't over yet, so Paris's dad put in a call. The strummy-strummy starts up as Rory gives Terrence the stink-eye. He nods and smiles back. Rory turns back around and pouts.

Yale. I guess it's not too far from Stars Hollow. Lorelai and Luke pull up in the truck. Lorelai says he's being very nice, and that this is above and beyond the call of duty. Hee. She said "duty." Luke pays the meter. Lorelai tries to bring up the mattress again. Luke says he just wanted to make sure his truck got home safely without the mattress. Lorelai says she misses their friendship. Tess appears and asks about the mattress. Luke says that they were just driving the mattress around New Haven for a while to air it out. Tess leaves when Luke promises to bring it back inside. Lorelai and Luke start unloading the truck. He asks what they do with the mattress. He shouts again, causing Tess to look as offended as if Luke had shouted, "Should I throw the baby out, or do you think someone will pick it up if I leave it on a bench?"