Welcome back, Stars Hollow lovers. Who'd have known the show would still be here for the fourth season? We'd have known, that's who.
We open with strummy-strummy-la-la music. Pull back from Babette's garden gnomes to Lorelai and Rory pouting in their front lawn as a taxi van pulls away. Lorelai growls at it as it leaves. "And we're home," Rory moans. I guess Lorelai's supposed to look like she raided an Irish gift shop before she left, but she's wearing clothes easily purchased at Delia's or Urban Outfitters. Lorelai complains about how long the van ride was: "Everybody's life flashed before my eyes. That's how much time I had!" She says it felt longer than their train ride from Paris to Prague, when they had a group of French schoolboys behind them, singing and smelling like a soccer field.
"Oh my God!" we hear Babette warble from her doorway. She runs out of her house and over to the girls, shouting "You're back! Morey, they're back!" She asks if they're hurt or bleeding. She's hysterical. Lorelai says they're fine. "They're fine!" Babette shrieks. She jerks her head back toward her front door. "Morey! They're fine! Morey!" Morey opens the door and asks, "Yeah?" "They're fine!" Babette screams again. Babette says she was terribly worried, because according to the itinerary that Rory had given Babette, the girls were supposed to be home on Saturday. Lorelai shoots a raised eyebrow at Rory. "The itinerary that Rory gave you?" she asks. Rory looks away, faux-innocently. Babette further explains that when the girls didn't come back on Saturday, she panicked. "Morey!" she shouts. Morey opens the door. "Yeah?" "Didn't we panic?" she asks. "Yeah," Morey agrees. As he shuts the front door again, Lorelai asks Morey if he ever thought about just staying outside at times like these. Babette says that by Sunday night, she was terrified, and sure that the girls had been kidnapped by crazy Sandinistas, so she began calling consulates: "Aw, jeez, all of 'em!" Babette says they should go inside so that she can hear all about Europe: "Morey! I'm goin' in!" She runs past the girls and over to the house, where I'm assuming the front door is locked, but whatever. Lorelai asks Rory why she gave Babette an itinerary. Rory thought it would be good for someone to know where they were in case there was an emergency: "If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know we were in Turkey?" Lorelai wants to know where they got this hash they were smuggling. Rory quickly responds, "You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking." Lorelai wants to know if he was cute. "He was not bad for a hash dealer," Rory replies. Lorelai gives Rory's gigantic backpack an appreciative pat.
Babette has a key. Just for all of you trivia buffs out there. She's already inside, making cocoa, when the girls walk through their front door. Lorelai once again reminds Rory that the only reason they have to have Babette make them cocoa right now is because Rory gave her an itinerary. "I may have given her an itinerary," Rory says, "but you're the one who got us busted for drug-smuggling." Rory leaves, and Lorelai notes, "Reality has absolutely no place in our world."
In the kitchen, Babette once again says that she wants to hear all about Europe. Rory and Lorelai take seats at the kitchen table. Lorelai gives a run-down of all the things they saw. Rory brags that Lorelai touched the Pope. Lorelai explains that she really just touched his car, until one of the Swiss guards ("in the fruity-cool clothing") busted her. But she got away with it: "Flirting with a guy in a pom pom hat and a skirt is quite an accomplishment." Lorelai gives Rory the signal to yawn -- the signal of which is, conveniently enough, to mime a yawn. Rory immediately busts out her fake yawn, which Babette takes to immediately. Not even finishing the cocoa she's been making, Babette high-tails it out of the house, screaming to Morey that she's on her way home. Rory wants to unpack, but Lorelai thinks she should wait until tomorrow. "No, if I leave stuff til tomorrow everything's gonna get gross," Rory moans. Lorelai points out that everything is already gross.
Rory gives a happy sigh as she walks into her bedroom. Lorelai follows, and plops down on the bed. She moans and groans, joyous in how good the bed feels. Rory tells her not to get too comfortable. Lorelai tell Rory to smell her pillow. She says she'd forgotten that pillows don't have to smell like feet. Rory hangs her jacket up in the closet as Lorelai says it's good she did this youth-hostel thing in her thirties. Rory falls into her closet, holding all of her clothes in her arms, cooing, "I missed you! I missed you all!" Hee. Lorelai says that if she had done this trip in her twenties or teens, she would have been naive enough to think that youth hostels were romantic and exotic. But in your thirties, you're old enough to know that they are gross and should be avoided at all costs. But Rory's still talking to her clothes, telling them that she had a dream about them in Copenhagen: "And you were there, and you, and you and you!" Lorelai says that they should go to sleep right now and wake up early so they don't blow this week being jet-lagged. She wants to get into a normal sleeping pattern right away. Huh? Lorelai? Did they switch the lines here or something? Lorelai leaves to take a shower, allowing Rory time to make out with her sock drawer. Rory tells Lorelai to close the door. She opens her sock drawer and flirts, "Hello, boys." This prompts a disgusting conversation between my boyfriend and me as to why a girl would call her socks "boys," and why a boy would only call his socks "girls." I'll tell you my favorite part, though. He said, "But you put stuff in socks!" "What stuff?" "Never mind."
Kirk's in the credits. And Lane. And Paris. And Michel. So even though three of these people aren't in this episode, they're still around for this season. And because they were sick of the Jess v. Dean debate, both boys are gone. Look what we did.
The morning Lorelai and Rory are laying out and labeling all of the souvenirs. Lorelai is on the phone with one of the consulates, letting them know that both Lorelai Gilmores are home safely. More trivia for your make-at-home Gilmore Girls game: Babette's last name is "Dell." Lorelai tells the Belgian consulate that she and Rory both loved the fries. Lorelai says she's taking a break before calling the Netherlands. Rory says that Babette only did this because she loves them. Lorelai: "Well, be a little less lovable, would you? Because it's costing me a fortune." Lorelai says she'd rather Rory were more like one of those girls about whom people would say, "Oh, really? She was kidnapped? Hey. Well. Thin the herd." Rory asks whom the rosary beads are for. Lorelai says they're hers. Rory asks what she needs them for. "They're cute," Lorelai says. "They're for prayer," Rory informs her. Lorelai: "Well, pray they match my blue suit?" Hee. I've got about seven different rosaries because I, too, find them "cute." But I don't know if I'd wear them as a fashion accessory. Wait. I do wear a Our Lady of the Guadalupe medallion every once in a while. And it says "Pray for Us" on one side, which really makes my boyfriend uncomfortable, because he, like Rory, thinks I'm getting a Jacuzzi and queen-sized bed in my junior suite in Hell. Lorelai asks whom the Pieta placemat is for (Gypsy). I am totally coveting Rory's shirt in this scene. And Lorelai's shirt.
Another confusing turn of events: Lorelai has scheduled their week. This is the last week before Rory leaves for college, so Lorelai wants to make sure they've gotten everything covered. Today is distributing gifts and then hitting the mall. Tomorrow they see three crappy movies and then dinner at Emily's. Saturday they're off to New York for art galleries and the Strand. "Yes!" Rory shouts, which is what I shouted as we passed it in a cab this summer, the closest I got to going to the Strand. In fact, the other people in the cab were like, "That would be your favorite place in the world, Pam. Biggest bookstore in the world. There it goes. It's so tiny now. Bye, Pam's favorite place. We're off to see the Matthew Barney exhibit! Woo! Yay, Cremaster Cycle!" ["The Strand? Not so great. It's cramped and hot and all the books -- even the new ones -- have coffee stains or cigarette ashes on them. It's just as well you didn't go, because you would have been really disappointed." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai is still talking. Sunday, they pick up school supplies and then there's a barbecue at Sookie's. Monday is mani-pedi-facial, haircut, and stocking up for Tuesday, the day of all days: the day they watch all three Godfather films with extra showings of the Sofia death scene. Back when I lived in Austin, I did a theatre piece once with two friends called We Are So Much Better Than Everybody Else, where we had a contest to see who would be crowned The Rightest. We took questions from the audience concerning movies, and would discuss the answers. Then the audience would vote on who was the rightest out of the three of us, settling all arguments for the year. Although I had mad points for "What are your five favorite movies?" because Chuy had the balls to answer, "I'm going to put Citizen Kane as my favorite movie, even though I've never seen it, because I'm sure it is." But the winner and still champion, since we've never held a rematch, was my friend Jeff who, when asked "What's the worst line from a film ever?" stood up immediately, crossed his eyes and whimpered, "Dad?" and then spun on his heels and fell on his face. The audience broke into applause. I still say mine's a pretty good answer, too: "Is it raining? I hadn't noticed." But yay, Jeff. You are still the rightest. See you soon. Rory says that Tuesday will be the perfect day. She says they have just enough biscotti from Milan to last them the week. Lorelai says that everything is in order, so they should get going delivering gifts. There's so much stuff, though, that the girls don't know how to get it out of the house. Lorelai says they need some tote bags. Rory doesn't know where, how, or why they'd have a tote bag. Lorelai: "Every woman who's ever purchased seventy-five dollars' worth Clinique products has some tote bags!" Hee! You also get tote bags from: movie festivals, interactive festivals, screenwriting festivals, charity events, walkathons, and being Djb's friend. Rory says they don't have any tote bags. Lorelai wonders how they're going to get that stuff out of the house.
Cut to Lorelai and Rory walking down the street wearing their gigantic backpacks. "Now we're the quirky backpack ladies!" Lorelai complains. Rory notes that they've had worse nicknames in the past. Lorelai says that they should be efficient with this, working clockwise around the town from Miss Patty to Andrew. They will stick to the "My mom touched the Pope" anecdote, since it's quick, peppy and everybody likes a nice Pope story. Rory asks whether they have time to stop at Luke's as she's starving. Lorelai says they do. "This is our week. This week we do anything we want." Rory says she likes this week. As they head toward Luke's, Lorelai wonders if Luke and Nicole actually went on their cruise. Rory wonders why they wouldn't go. Lorelai says that Luke would actually have to pack, leave, and buy a bathing suit, all three of which would prevent him from going. Rory says that Luke could use a vacation, and that he really seems to like Nicole. Lorelai gets all weird, as she's supposed to do whenever someone mentions that Luke might not fawn on her from afar.
Lorelai and Rory see that Taylor's soda shoppe is now open, and right inside the doors we can see Taylor and Luke is a furious argument. Luke is telling Taylor that he is going to kill him, and that he should have killed him a while ago, the minute Taylor put up the unicorn topiaries in the park. Rory says to Lorelai, "Oh, I missed that!" Lorelai decides that this is a biscotti moment. The girls crunch into biscotti, sans coffee. Luke is furious with Taylor for installing a giant window in one wall of the shoppe -- the wall that Taylor shares with Luke's diner. Luke: "You can see my entire diner! And when I'm in my diner I can see your whole stupid store!" Taylor can't understand why Luke's is a "diner," but his is a "stupid store." Luke begins tearing through the soda shoppe, pointing out all of the stupid things. He says of Taylor's old-tyme striped outfit, "All you need is [sic] six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back the worst two hours of my childhood!" Lorelai giggles at Rory and nods: point for Luke. Taylor says he doesn't think Luke even had a childhood, and that he came out a bitter, surly killjoy. Luke screams that Taylor can't change the basic structure of the building without Luke's okay. Taylor gets nervous and antsy. It seems that Luke's hand is dangerously close to the wax lips. Luke gleefully buries his arms into the wax lips. He then touches all of the different candies in the store, tossing them into the air with great abandon. Lorelai suddenly remembers: they forgot Luke. They couldn't find any gift good enough for him, and then they forgot entirely to get him anything. Lorelai curses herself for not getting him that matador outfit. Lorelai says they'll have to pick up something in Stars Hollow and pass it off as European. Rory says that, in Stars Hollow, everything you buy has a Hello Kitty stamped on the bottom. Lorelai says that they can't go into Luke's empty-handed. Rory complains that she's hungry. They head in the other direction, and we can see that Luke and Taylor's fight is still raging on.
Sookie's. Sookie runs down the front steps to hug the girls. She's quite pregnant now. "Hey! Don't squish baby!" Jackson yells from the front door. Everybody hugs. "You look older!" Sookie gushes to Rory. "Oh, thanks, Sookie!" Rory says back. Sookie says she can't wait to hear everything they did and everything they ate. She asks if it was warm, since she read that it was warm. ["It was -- 'warm' enough to kill thousands of French people." -- Wing Chun] As Sookie keeps asking a barrage of questions about Anne Frank and Steven Spielberg, Jackson gently leads her back into the house. Sookie has already heard that Lorelai touched the Pope. She asks if they'd like some quiche. Lorelai says that first she needs to look at Sookie sideways. Lorelai touches Sookie's stomach and introduces herself and Rory to the baby. Rory's a bit baby-shy, and doesn't want to come too close to the belly. Neither does Jackson, actually. Jackson says he'll like it when it comes out. Lorelai asks if it's a boy or a girl. Before Sookie can say, Jackson shuts her up. He's wearing a button that says he doesn't want to know the sex of his baby. He's going old-school on this, and wants to be surprised in the delivery room, just like Ricky Ricardo and Dick Van Dyke both were. (It's a two-Dick Van Dyke episode.) Sookie does know the sex of the baby, and is willing to tell Lorelai in a secret room. Jackson convinces Rory to stay on his side, promising to pace the waiting room with her, ready to give out cigars. Rory likes the sound of that, and puts on a button. I guess Lorelai will have to be Sookie's Lamaze coach. "Welcome to 1954," Jackson says to Rory as he hands her a bowl of buttons. Lorelai and Sookie leave to find out the sex of the baby. Rory and Jackson lean back on the couch, smugly. "So, you hear about that whole Sputnik thing?" Rory asks Jackson. Jackson calmly responds: "Oh, Eisenhower's on top of it." Ha.
Lorelai can't believe that Jackson isn't going to be in the delivery room with Sookie. Sookie says she doesn't even like Jackson to see her shaving her legs, so she doesn't mind that he's not going to be there. Sometimes this show gets so weird with its old-fashioned notions. Sookie shouts that she's opening the shed. She does so. It's a boy. Sookie and Lorelai hug and coo about boys. "Jackson will finally have that son to prune the trees with," Sookie says. Lorelai says it's all so exciting. "I know nothing about little boys," she says. "Me neither!" Sookie giggles. Lorelai and Sookie pull up a couple of blue chairs and instantly turn the subject back to Lorelai, and how nice it is that she's home. Then Lorelai asks whether Luke went on the cruise. Sookie says he did. Lorelai determines that it's good he went, because he needed a vacation. Sookie says she thinks that something weird happened on the cruise, because Luke wouldn't talk to her and Sookie about it the last time they went to the diner. Lorelai asks if it was because Jackson was wearing that creepy button. Sookie says that Luke seemed kind of freaked out about something, but that she doesn't know what. Lorelai can't even hide her smile to ask if maybe Luke and Nicole got into a fight. Lorelai asks if Sookie's going to name the baby "Lorelai." Sookie: "Absolutely. That wouldn't be confusing at all."
Walking over to Luke's, Rory can't believe that Lorelai took jam from Sookie's house and is planning to pass it off as fine fancy jam from France. Lorelai says the label says fruits de la terre. Rory says Lorelai didn't even spellcheck it. Lorelai says that in her world, the person who made this jam was an illiterate orphan named Sochelle. "As in Sochelle crab," Rory notes. "Exactly. Sochelle was born by the sea, or so said the note left in the bassinette when the nuns found her on the steps of Notre Dame." Lorelai says that every sad story has to have nuns. Sochelle had nothing -- no father, friends, or education -- only a burning desire to make great jam. And now she's the most successful jamstress in all of France. Rory skips off to give Lane her gift. "Don't give him the jam," Rory begs. Lorelai says she can't hear Rory, now that she's so far away. Rory goes into Kim's Antiques, but sadly we don't get to follow her.
Luke's. Lorelai says bonjour and then asks Luke in French whether he knows how to tie his shoes. Luke gives her a cup of coffee. "You remembered," she coos. Luke says that a couple of things about her stuck. He asks if she had a good time. Lorelai responds in French, "Your cat smells." She said they had the best time. They were supposed to come in on Saturday, but stayed longer. Luke says he knew she was supposed to come back on Saturday. "Keeping tabs on me?" she asks. Luke says it's always good to know from which direction the tornado is coming. Lorelai tells a rather pointless story about camping out with Rory at an Irish hotel called the Clarence, waiting to see if Bono made an appearance, since U2 owns it. He didn't. They sat in a bar for two days and did nothing but eat soda crackers and funky cheese. Lorelai says that she told the group of girls they were hanging with in the Irish bar about Luke. "Señor Swanky Pants," she calls him. Why is Lorelai gushing about Luke to a group of strangers on the other side of the world? Because she looooooves him, that's why. Lorelai says they got him something. Luke tries to play his excitement cool, but he's kind of blushing. And Lorelai's trying to not look like she's lying. But as soon as Lorelai busts out the part of the Sochelle story that includes the word "jamstress," Luke knows it's bullshit. Lorelai drops the game and confesses that they never found anything good enough for him. Luke says they're even, since he didn't get her anything on his trip either. Lorelai asks how the cruise was, and Luke immediately walks away, busying himself with clearing tables and refilling cups as he makes tiny noises to answer questions instead of inviting a discussion. Lorelai asks what they did on the boat. "Oh, you know, we fluttered around and ate and there was a magic show and a singer and pillow mints and...you know, that's it." Lorelai asks if they had a good time. Luke makes a beeline to check on her order. Lorelai yells that she hasn't ordered anything yet.
Rory passes Kirk, who's hanging up a poster with her face on it. She says hello, and he says, "Bienvenido, Señora Gilmore." She's a señorita, Kirk. Rory runs back to inspect the poster, which features a terrible photo of Rory with a clip-art crown Photoshopped to her forehead, and declares her the Ice Cream Queen.
Taylor is giving triple innuendo directions to his ice cream jerks about how to serve up a bowl of ice cream. It's totally just to give Taylor this line: "Nice symmetrical balls there, Joshua." Ha. "Easy on the nuts! Easy on the nuts!" Whee! "One cherry!" (Still with the cherry thing, I see.) "Present your sundae with the Taylor tip." Dirty! Rory says hello, and Taylor calls her "Your majesty" and asks if she's there to check on the kingdom. Taylor gives her free ice cream, asking if she'd like an extra cherry. He says that if the Stars Hollow Ice Cream Queen wants two cherries, then she gets two cherries. Why not? She gets two of everything else she wants. Rory says that Taylor didn't ask if she wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen. Taylor says he couldn't very well ask her when she was traipsing all across Europe. He's already rented a cape and a crown, so all he needs is for Rory to wear a nice floor-length gown, preferably in sage. Rory says she can't do it, and that she's too busy right now. She only has a couple of days left before she goes to school, and she's already got every moment planned, so she's going to have to pass on this one. "Oh," Taylor says. Rory says she can try to come by. Taylor says: "Oh, can you? Really! You can find time in your busy day to come by and eat my free ice cream and take my free balloon and get yourself a free glitter hand stamp? You can, uh, swing that? You don't have to pass on that, huh?" Taylor says that Rory's always been the head pilgrim girl or whatever ridiculous queen or princess the town has needed for a holiday function, so he had no reason to assume she'd be passing on another chance to have the town celebrate Rory, particularly on a day before she leaves her humble minions to go off to smarter pastures. "It's my own fault," Taylor says. "I should have figured that once you got into Yale everything would be different. No, I understand. You're no longer our little Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore. You belong to the Ivy Leagues right now. It's time to cut those small-town ties and go off and do something important like go to drama school or have one of those high-class naked parties with that Bush girl." Rory tries to protest, but Taylor gives her the hand and says he'll see her on the quad. I do love it when someone tarnishes Rory's princess crown a little. Rory and Lorelai spot each other through the enormous Luke/Taylor shop window. Lorelai waves and mimes, "What's wrong?" Rory pouts a major pout and holds up her poster. Lorelai is, for once, speechless, and has to lower her head in time with the last guitar strum of the song.
Back at the house, it's nighttime. Lorelai complains that it took too long to give out presents, so from now on when they go out of town they aren't getting anything for anyone. Rory says they could buy everybody a big crate of Fruits de la terre. Lorelai says that horse is dead, and would Rory kindly put the stick down. Lorelai proposes changing the schedule now that they're behind, and leave the shopping for tomorrow. Rory's bummed out by the lecture she got from Taylor, and wonders if she's suddenly acting too good for Stars Hollow. Why doesn't she have time for the town now? Rory: "Am I changing? I don't want to change. I don't want to be the anti-town girl. I'm not Daria." Lorelai says that Taylor was just messing with Rory's mind. Rory goes to open the mail. Lorelai says they agreed not to open mail because they're still on vacation, and opening mail feels like going back to the real world. Rory says she's only opening her own mail and that Lorelai can feel free to stay on vacation. Rory is very upset by what she's read. She says "Oh, no!" about six times and runs to her bedroom to check her day planner. Lorelai follows, frantic to find out what's upsetting Rory. Turns out that Rory wrote down the date for her orientation incorrectly. It's not weekend. It's this weekend. This Saturday. In two days. Lorelai is very upset, because they had an entire week planned out -- a week for just the two of them -- and now it's gone. Rory says she wrote the date down wrong. Lorelai asks why Rory would do that, when she never writes the date down wrong. Rory says she wrote it before they left, and she must have done it incorrectly. The two women have hit a pitch with their voices that is causing neighborhood dogs to wail. Lorelai can't believe Rory wrote the date down wrong. Rory can't believe Lorelai wasn't going to let her open the mail. Lorelai can't believe Rory wrote the date down wrong. Rory can't believe Lorelai made them go to Ireland to stalk Bono. Lorelai says she'll never win the "I can't believe" game. They both agree that this totally sucks. Rory says she's not ready, hasn't packed, and hasn't watched Sofia die over and over. Lorelai says they need to revise their plan, and shorthand it. Tonight they stay home and pack. Tomorrow they get all the school supplies, letting them see at least two Godfathers and a couple of Sofia deaths. "Chinese!" Rory shouts, confusing Lorelai. Rory says she wants Chinese for dinner now. Lorelai goes to order, saying it's better if they don't use complete sentences anymore, since they have no time.
The day, in the midst of shopping, Lorelai complains to Rory that she is wiped out. "I shouldn't've taken that third Excedrin PM last night," she says. Rory asks why she took three. Lorelai says she originally took two, but sometime in the middle of the night she woke up and had a "major Marilyn moment" and forgot how many she had taken and popped another one. "Now I'm ready to sleep with a Kennedy," she says, taking a seat on a bench as Rory notes that she's heard Kerry is available. Lorelai says that jet lag wants to be her best friend, but they have a big night of Godfather ahead of them, so there's no time for resting. Rory goes through her list of things they need to buy. They still need to hit beauty supply, hardware store, and stationery store. Lorelai says they need to hit the mattress store, too, since otherwise Rory will be sleeping on a mattress used by countless hundreds of other students. We didn't get the option of our own mattress at UT, since the beds slid in and out of the walls, so you bought yards and yards of those egg foam things, but that really did nothing and the cushion against the wall had been used by hundreds of countless others, so it's just a gross thing that you have to live with because you're a freshman. Rory complains that they'll never finish the list. Lorelai suggests that they split up, and she'll take the beauty supply as Rory handles the stationery store. Rory gets psyched, but then notices that, to get to the stationery store, she'll have to pass by the grand opening of Taylor's soda shoppe. Lorelai says she'd take the stationery store, but she knows how weird Rory is about the kind of pens she likes. Heh. Also: how much money have the girls spent in the past three months? Between buying an inn, going on a summer-long trip, getting all new stuff for Yale (including a mattress), and buying presents for all of Stars Hollow, soon Lorelai will have to take out another Chilton-sized loan from her parents to pay all of the different mortgages. Rory says she'll walk really, really super-fast past Taylor's, and maybe he won't notice her.
But of course Taylor sees Rory, and has a throne set up in front of the building, where the picture of Rory rests under a crown, but there's no Rory in her seat. He thanks everybody for coming to celebrate the grand opening. He says unfortunately their Ice Cream Queen was just too busy to help celebrate and couldn't find time in her "busy queen schedule" to find time to "come play" with the kids of Stars Hollow. One little girl bursts into tears. "I know, Christy, but take heart," Taylor says. "We still have balloons, and music! And as a special treat a little later, a skydiver is going to drop from the sky and land right here in front of Taylor's old-fashioned soda shoppe and candy store!" Rory starts to walk away as Taylor yells that it's great the skydiver isn't too busy to come play with the children. Rory breaks into a sprint.
Jess's skank must have skipped town, because Kirk now works the beauty supply store. Lorelai says she's looking for both a good daytime and nighttime cream for Rory. Kirk, who's wearing a strange new haircut, asks if Rory's sensitive to breakouts if the cream is too heavy. "Yeah," Lorelai says. "I thought so," Kirk says. He warns Lorelai to stay away from the cream she's looking at, and recommends something by Clinique (This episode brought to you by Clinique and the Foundation to Keep Dick Van Dyke From Falling Off the Youth Radar). Kirk says that Rory has a classic Peaches and Cream complexion, and that it would be a shame if she started to look like a cowboy when she got older. He tells Lorelai he heard she got back from her trip. "I'm living proof!" Lorelai says. As Kirk rings up her purchases, he notes that he saw the castanets she brought Miss Patty back from the trip, and he saw the t-shirt from the Picasso museum they brought Andrew. Kirk admits that he was a little jealous, not because he likes Picasso, but because he's a fan of t-shirts. Pete really enjoyed the Tower of London nutcracker. Kirk says that there's often been a time when he's sat around holding a nut, wishing for a nutcracker. Easy on the nuts. Lorelai apologizes, saying they messed up the presents because it got so crazy: "I mean, we forgot to bring something back for Luke!" Does that mean she's comparing Kirk's importance to Luke's, or that Kirk is even lower on the list than Luke, Andrew, and some guy named Pete? "I heard he got jam," Kirk says, with a little catch in his throat. "Fake jam!" Lorelai shouts. "I love fake jam," Kirk pouts. Lorelai promises to make this up to him and swears they never meant to forget him. Kirk says her total comes to $45.50, which is pretty cheap as far as two creams from a beauty-supply store could run. Kirk says he's closing up early and pulls out a parachute from behind the counter. "Kirk, no!" Lorelai says. Kirk says that Taylor's paying him twenty bucks to jump out of an airplane today. "No!" He says he even took a lesson already, and was told he was a natural at falling. Lorelai says the best gift she could possibly give him is telling him not to jump out of a plane today. Kirk asks if he can still get fake jam. Lorelai turns and leaves.
Two kids pass Rory on the street and sneer, "Thanks a lot!" "Yale can have you!" the other one shouts. Lorelai finds Rory and asks if she got her silly pens. She has, and Lorelai notes she can cross those two things off. Lorelai says they need to prioritize if they're going to get everything done. Something has to go. "Biscotti night!" Rory moans. "No! Not biscotti night," Lorelai says. She suggests that they not go to Emily's tonight. Now there's a solid idea that won't cause any conflict nor get either of them in any trouble. Why should Rory go and see the people paying for her college education on the night before she leaves for college after a summer of not being in the country? Good thinkin', Lor. Rory says she can't do it. Lorelai says there's no way they can get everything done if they have to drive to Hartford and back. "She'll understand!" Lorelai says. Then: "Well...the first part was true." Lorelai says they'll go to dinner week, and then every week after that for the rest of their lives. Then perhaps biscotti night can be weekend, since Rory will never be allowed to have her own life. "My parents will outlive us," Lorelai says. "The damned can do that." Rory says that this is her deal, and that she can't back out, but Lorelai can. She says this deal was only for her. I guess we're dropping that entire subplot about this deal and how Lorelai was furious, because suddenly she's stoked, relieved, and joyous that she doesn't have to go to the dinner ever. Lorelai says she's not going, so she'll finish up the errands. She tells Rory to go and eat really quickly and meet her back at 9:30; they'll watch some of Godfather I and then watch Sofia die. Lorelai leaves.
Rory sees Taylor still going on about how Rory would be sitting on that throne right now if she wasn't too busy. Rory storms up to the microphone and says that she humiliates herself six times a year for this town, and just because she's going to Yale doesn't mean she's going to stop. She says the reason she's not the Ice Cream Queen is because Taylor never asked her: "I love this town. I will be back in that ridiculous pilgrim outfit at Thanksgiving, so everybody just get off my back!" There is a smattering of applause.
Emily's. Emily is enjoying an awkward sniff of her flowers while waiting for someone to say "action," and then shouts to Richard to put away his papers and fix his tie, because the girls have arrived. We follow Emily to the front door, where she opens the door instead of letting the help do it. Emily is disappointed to see that Lorelai's not there, but she doesn't say anything. She hugs Rory and invites her in. Rory apologizes for being a little late. Rory says they bought Emily's present in Paris because Lorelai said that Emily loves Paris the most. They sit in the living room, and Rory gives her the present. It's a tiny Eiffel Tower, which Emily loves. She says many nice words about it, as Rory explains that Lorelai was the one who really picked it out. Emily asks where Lorelai is, hoping that she isn't sick. For some reason that I guess doesn't matter, Rory doesn't explain what happened, about how she wrote the date down incorrectly and now Lorelai's running all over town buying things for Rory so that she can leave for school in the morning, letting Rory spend her last night over at Emily's so that they don't miss anything but still can have their special night together later. I guess that would make too much sense, so Rory just gives a vague "errands" explanation that makes Emily think it's a total lie. Rory says that Lorelai will be there weekend and is looking forward to it.
Richard walks in at this point and tells Emily that he's expecting a call and that there's nothing he can do about it, so she shouldn't complain when he leaves the table. He says hello to Rory and asks how her trip went. Rory says it was perfect. Emily explains that Lorelai had "chores" and "errands" to do tonight. Again, no word from Rory explaining how it's only because Lorelai is so nice that Rory's able to be there right now. Whatever. Richard says that Emily's present will fit right in with her collection. Rory gives Richard his present -- a pipe from Copenhagen, which Emily says will be wonderful when he enjoys it outside. Rory says the store had an entire Alice in Wonderland set, but Lorelai settled on getting Richard only one -- the Queen of Hearts. Richard gets his phone call, and he leaves. He says he'll be ten minutes, tops. Emily says he'll be an hour. Rory asks if his new business is going well, but Emily says Richard's never in the room long enough for her to find out. Emily's new maid calls them to dinner, and Emily says they'll start eating without Richard. And hey, if Gerta the new maid is supposed to have an Irish accent, someone in the casting office needs to be fired. Since we started the scene with an awkward shot of Emily walking to the door, we finish it with Emily walking over to the mantle, where she puts the Eiffel Tower to a photo of Lorelai and Rory. Emily is unhappy with Lorelai, but for some reason doesn't look at the gigantic painting of her just overhead to sneer.
Dinner. Richard asks how the Gundersons were. They are friends of Richard and Emily's who live in Zurich. I'm going to save us some time here by shorthanding this scene, wherein Richard and Emily list off all of their friends by city, and Rory says that they were too busy to go and visit any of them. Rory and Lorelai went on their own schedule, obviously, and didn't see anybody. This upsets Richard and Emily, especially since they once let the Gunderson kid squat in their guest room for a month, during which time he ruined the rug. Emily tells Rory to eat another piece of chicken, even though it'll be her third. Richard begins complaining about the Gundersons, and wonders why he and Emily are even friends with them in the first place. Emily says that she's having a soufflé for dessert, and that it's going into the oven right now. She says that one of her favorite things about a European meal is how it can go on for hours and hours, turning into an event, so that's what she wants to do tonight, in honor of Rory's trip. She's even made a cheese plate for before dessert. You'd think Rory would want to spend a few hours talking about her trip with two people who have seen those places, but whatever. Also, Rory doesn't mention that she wanted to spend the evening with her mother, but Emily's already picked up on this, and now wants to show Rory the ballroom dancing videotapes that she's made over the past three decades. I love that something Emily's been taping religiously since 1978 has never been mentioned until just now.
Lorelai and Luke are packing a truck full of things to take to Yale. Luke complains about loading a mattress on the back of the truck. He asks why Lorelai is packing Rory's things in Hefty bags. Lorelai says that Rory's lucky they even have those. Luke says he had luggage that Rory could have used, since he did recently go on a trip. Lorelai asks why Luke doesn't want to talk about his mystery trip. She says she's dying to know, but that he spazzes out every time she brings it up. She says she'd tell him if she had gone on a trip. "Yes, but I wouldn't want to know," Luke says. Ha. Lorelai asks if something happened between him and Nicole. "Yes." Lorelai: "What? Did you propose?" Luke: "Yes." Lorelai: "Oh, my God. You proposed?" Luke: "Yes, I proposed." Lorelai stammers that this is big, huge news. Luke says there's more. Lorelai tries not to cry. "What? Did she say yes?" Luke: "Yes." Lorelai: "She said yes. You proposed and she said yes. Wow." Luke says there's more. Lorelai wonders what more there could be. Luke: "We got married." Lorelai asks how. The captain married them. "And that's legal?" Lorelai demands. "Apparently," Luke replies. Luke says there's still a little more, and Lorelai freaks out that Luke is going to have a baby with Nicole. "We're getting divorced," he says. Lorelai needs to sit down. They go to the steps. See, the cruise was filled with newlyweds and happy canoodling couples, and Luke and Nicole got caught up in the spirit of things and eloped. But by the time the cruise was over, so was their enthusiasm. They were separated by the time they hit the dock, and now they're getting divorced. But did they not get along? Are they still dating? None of these things are really answered, because Lorelai's just relieved to note that the man who loves her is still unattached so that she can flirt with him without consequences. Lauren Graham has really nice arms. Lorelai says she's sorry. Luke says it's okay. Lorelai says that now that he's been married, it'll silence all of those questions about a single man of a certain age living alone. "Hey! I always defended you," she says. "I always said 'Hey! So what if he is?'" Luke thanks her for her support and heads back to the truck, as Lorelai gets a phone call. I like that nobody cares about Jess.
It's Rory on the phone, saying that Emily is holding her hostage, that she's in Iran in '79, and Lorelai is Jimmy Carter. Lorelai delivers the show's tag line: "This is about me." Lorelai says that Emily is only holding Rory hostage because Lorelai didn't show up for dinner, so she'll make an appearance to spring Rory. Rory tells Lorelai to come quickly because the videotapes rewind very slowly. Lorelai tells Luke that she has to go and get Rory because her mother is a psycho. She thanks Luke for the help and repeats that she's sorry. From the bushes, a leaf-covered, battered Kirk emerges. He's dragging a parachute behind him as he mutters, "Strong wind."
Emily starts up another tape and tells Rory she'll really be able to see a difference in the quality from the 1980s. She talks about a certain couple and how wonderful they are together -- Corky and Shirley. They're her favorite. She points out moves that would have been illegal in earlier contests. Rory is barely pretending to care. Lorelai shows up, and Rory couldn't be happier. Emily asks what she's doing there. Lorelai says she was in the neighborhood and wondered what was going on at the Gilmore house. Rory says that they're watching ballroom dancing competitions. Lorelai says that sounds fun, and asks if she can watch with them. Emily says that Lorelai wouldn't enjoy it, and that she's already missed the beginning. Lorelai says she's sure Emily can catch her up. Emily asks Rory to go downstairs and get Gerta to make her a cup of tea. Rory leaves. Lorelai says, "No, nothing for me, Mom. Thanks." Emily says that obviously Lorelai wasn't just in the neighborhood, and that she came by to get Rory. Lorelai says that Rory's been there longer than Patty Hearst's hostage crisis. Emily resents the implication, and says that Rory is there because she wants to be. Lorelai apologizes for missing dinner. Emily: "Come to dinner, don't come to dinner. It makes no difference to me. You're under no obligation to us anymore." She says she wouldn't want to keep Lorelai any longer, since she's busy. Lorelai begs to take Rory with her. "No," Emily says. "Tonight is my night with Rory," which it is. Lorelai accuses Emily of keeping Rory from her on purpose. Emily says that if Rory wants to leave she can ask to leave; she's not a four-year-old. Lorelai says that Rory doesn't want to hurt her feelings by asking to leave. Emily: "Why should she? She knows you'll be around any second to do it for her." Which is exactly what Rory did. Emily is totally in the right here, since she's almost completely in the dark as to why Rory and Lorelai wish they could go home right now. Lorelai yells that Emily always makes things so difficult. "Don't you understand? This is MY last night, with MY daughter! She goes off to college tomorrow!" Emily says she knows that, and is surprised that Lorelai wouldn't want to spend her last evening with her. "I do!" Lorelai shouts. "Which is why you should have come!" Emily shouts. "I couldn't!" "Wouldn't!" Emily corrects her. Lorelai pouts and huffs and swears to God. There's a pause before Lorelai asks where Richard is. "Oh, he went to be hours ago." This causes Lorelai to break into giggles. "Well, it was getting late!" Emily explains. This makes Lorelai laugh even harder. She says the jet lag is finally kicking in and giving her the giggles. "Um, you know, you've got Rory locked in here with the Mambo Kings and Dad went to bed." She laughs, giggling that she's so tired. Rory comes in here and Lorelai shrieks that she just got the Jimmy Carter joke. Emily says that Lorelai is having a fit. Lorelai is doubled over with laughter. "As soon as you're both done," Emily pouts. Never let in on the joke, is she?
Later, Rory and Lorelai are watching the ballroom dancing competition, fully engaged in the drama. They're sacked out on Emily's couch, watching the television, sharing their biscotti. "So, tomorrow," Rory says. "Yeah, tomorrow," Lorelai agrees. "It's a big day." "It's a really big day," Lorelai agrees. Rory hopes it's everything she's been imagining it to be. "Yeah. I just hope you actually get there," Lorelai says. Emily is asleep on a nearby chair. "Now, if Sofia could just die during a foxtrot, that would be perfect." They dip into their biscotti again as we fade to black.
week: Paris!