The Big One

Before I begin, I must apologize for the last recap where I said that the Gilmores were Jewish. It was a huge mistake on my part, partially caused by the Chupah fiasco, and all the stuff about Paris being Jewish and then me just not being religious enough to care about any of it. So, sorry. Gilmores: not Jewish. Please stop emailing me about it.

I know it's pointless to bitch about the promos for this show, but watching how they butchered seven episodes to make it look like Jess and Rory had sex is rather insulting to our intelligence, isn't it?

We open with Lorelai sprawled on the couch, reading I'm With the Band for what must be the thirtieth time. Rory is in the comfy chair, reading something school-ish. They share a look and a smile. All strummy-strummy-girly-book happiness ends when the girls see that the mail has arrived. They toss their books over their shoulders and run for the door. Lorelai tells Rory that it's important that she put on her shoes now, because if the Harvard envelope is in today's mail, they're going to start running for the mountains, celebrating, and they won't want to be bogged down with the task of putting Rory's shoes on first. There is some debate about the truth behind that statement, and then Rory opts to put her shoes on, but she won't tie them. I covet both of their outfits in this scene.

At the mailbox, we meet Postal Kirk. Rory and Lorelai hope for a big envelope, because that means Rory got in. Little envelopes mean "she needs to marry rich." Kirk's a laid-back kind of postman, who doesn't sort the mail before he arrives, preferring the surprise of seeing who gets what mail once he's at the mailboxes. Lorelai offers to help, but Kirk informs her that federal law prohibits that kind of action. Kirk delivers a tender monologue about how people need to slow down, but he doesn't deliver any mail. There's a big envelope in his sack, but it's for Mrs. Rita Flora, who died last week. Kirk's upset that they didn't put her mail on hold after she died. Lorelai tells Rory to go inside, saying they'll check the mail on their way to Luke's...for dinner! Ba-dum-bum. Kirk finds a letter for himself and opens it gleefully.

Luke's. Lane's drumming on a jelly jar while discussing drumming. Lorelai eventually makes her stop drumming. Rory explains that Lorelai is crabby this morning. Lorelai explains that she's got deadly allergies, which is to let us know that time has passed and its now spring. I know it was hard to tell from the wardrobe changes, or the fact that the leaves stayed on the trees, but what do you want from Burbank? Lorelai pulls a pack of tablets out of her purse. She found them in Rory's room. Rory says that these pills expired in 1998. "So, what? I should take four?" Lorelai asks. Rory: "Yes, that's exactly my point."

Luke walks up to the table and hands out menus. The menus are new. This is impressive to Rory and Lane, but Lorelai hates change. She holds the offending item with two fingers and demands to know why Luke changed his menus. She's upset because she Hirschfelded all of the old menus (made tiny doodles with her name in them), and now these new menus are laminated, preventing doodles. It seems that Nicole asked Luke to get new menus, change a few items, and add some more salads, so he did. Huh. Well, this is not good news for Lorelai, who wants to be the only double cheeseburger on his skillet, so she's instantly teasing Luke about changing his life for his super-new girlfriend. Lorelai asks, if Luke and Nicole get serious, will the entire place go soy? Lane notes that Luke got rid of the Monte Cristo. "No!" Rory yells. Lorelai takes a moment of silence for the passing of the Monte Cristo. My boyfriend asks what a Monte Cristo is. "It's a deep-fried ham and cheese sandwich covered in powdered sugar that you dip in raspberry preserves," I answer. He looks at me as if I had just said, "Chocolate-covered baby fingers wrapped in bacon and served with brussel sprouts." I inform him that the Monte Cristo has three thousand calories and then ask how he ever grew up without the defining high-school experience of going on a date at Bennigans. Lorelai teases that Nicole has Luke "menu-whipped." Luke grumps that nobody ate the Monte Cristo anyway. The girls say that it was just comforting to have it on the menu and have it as an option. "Like soup," Rory whines. "Exactly," Lorelai says. "It was comforting like deep-fried ham and cheese soup." Add to that fact that the girls used to talk about ordering it, so now that the sandwich is gone, they have nothing to talk about. Luke hands them three of the old menus. Lorelai holds up the old menu and pouts, "How come everybody else gets a new menu?" Kick her out of the restaurant. A better closing joke might have been a callback to the Hirschfeld drawings, where the girls all note which doodle they got on their menus. Then Lorelai wouldn't have come off as such an asshole. Lorelai, pleased with Luke's fury, puts away the allergy medicine, saying she feels much better now.

Chilton. The new teacher looks familiar, but I can't place her. She passes out graded tests, complimenting the students for still studying even though the SATs are over. "Most of you," she adds, giving Louisa a glare. Louisa sees her shitty grade and calls it "Michael Mason." She then says he was more than worth every wrong answer. The teacher takes the front of the class and says, "Exposition, exposition, exposition, exposition. Plot point, plot point, informative blah-dee-blah." Louisa shows off a hickey on her neck that should be medically examined before she gets a blood clot to the brain. There's a Chilton bicentennial week, and there's a speech contest on Friday, and the winner will present the speech at the ceremony Friday night, which for reasons unknown will be broadcast on C-SPAN. As the bell rings, the teacher welcomes back our man Brad, who just got back from Broadway, where he was in Into the Woods. I wouldn't have known this, but you guys are smart, and on the forum I read that the actor playing Brad actually was in Into the Woods. The class gives a polite golf clap as Brad thanks everyone and says it's good to be back. "Sit down, Mary Martin," Paris drones.

The teacher dismisses class. Brad walks over to Rory and says hello. He then waits for her to ask him about Broadway, which she then does. He says that Nathan Lane is a very bitter man. He says that being on Broadway gave him confidence in every aspect of his life. Louisa and Fraulein walk over and ask Brad if he got to keep his makeup and costumes. This confuses Brad, who never thought to ask if he could keep his makeup. "How do you leave the house every morning and not have a piano fall on your head?" Fraulein asks. Brad: [matter-of-factly] "Well, I make a left on Federal..." Paris is still mad at Rory, even though I'm guessing five months have passed, and she crabs that Rory and Brad are blocking the speech sign-up sheet. She asks Brad if he needs a "five, six, seven, eight" in order to move out of her way. Brad says he's no longer intimidated by people like her. "I'm thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera," Paris says, before adding, "Move." As Paris signs up for the speech, she says she hopes Rory signs up as well, since it'll be Paris's last chance to beat her at something. Rory says that her decision will have nothing to do with what Paris wants. Paris says it won't be a satisfying victory just beating "Jerome Robbins and the rest of the losers" at Chilton. "I'd really like to take you down, also," she says with a polite smile. She leaves, prompting Brad to note, "Wow, she is really up on her theatre references." It's called Daniel Palladino.

Sookie and her merry pack of extras surround a table in her kitchen. Sookie is "beyond offended" that someone has sent back an entire order of food. Lorelai asks what's going on. Sookie says they need a better screening system for customers. Lorelai says that any system would be better, since they currently don't screen customers at all. Sookie can't believe her four-star food was sent back. One was too salty, one was too hot, and one was "too sewery." Lorelai concludes that some people are just stupid. Sookie agrees: "And stupid people have stupid friends and they all have to come here and be stupid together." Lorelai asks if there's anything wrong with the food. Sookie is outraged, saying that everybody has tasted everything and everything is absolutely fine. The extra over Sookie's shoulder gives it away by practically looking away and whistling. The other extras all start hemming and hawing, all eyeballs and shoulder shrugs, until Lorelai takes the food, which is indeed too sewery. She tells the waiter to send the table out free desserts ("Too bacon-y!") and then pulls Sookie aside. Lorelai tells Sookie that she loves her and loves her food, but she just tasted one of the worst things she's ever tasted. "And I've tasted some very bad things," she adds. She asks if Sookie accidentally dropped strychnine or manure into the food. Sookie says that she tasted everything at every step of the way. Lorelai asks if Sookie's sick, since a cold or flu can throw off your tastebuds. Sookie says she had a bug last week, but she's fine today. Lorelai tells Sookie to get a check-up: "Maybe it was more than a little bug." Sookie asks if the food was really that bad. Lorelai says it was and tells her to have Manuel help her with tasting for the rest of the night. Rory pouts in, complaining that Paris is driving her insane. "Ooh, that looks good!" she says, walking towards the sewery concoction. "NO!" the entire crowd of extras says en masse, lurching forward to stop Stars Hollow's Princess from accidentally suffering for a nanosecond. "Be happy you're loved, hon," Lorelai says, holding Rory protectively and backing her away from the food, promising a Kit Kat in her purse.

The following forced dialogue follows. Rory: "What's up?" Lorelai: "I don't know. Sookie must be sick or something." Rory: "Sookie never gets sick." Lorelai: "She'll be fine." Lorelai asks what's going on with Paris, and Rory gives her a recap. She says that with the way Paris is acting, Rory now wants to enter the contest, win, and then dance around Paris chanting, "I win! I win! I win!" Lorelai tells Rory she's getting more and more like Lorelai every day. She hands Rory the Kit Kat. Rory says she knows she's being stupid and that she should probably just ignore Paris. Lorelai says that's what she should do. She asks why Rory isn't entering the contest, when she loves doing school things. Rory goes completely out of character to say she doesn't love doing school things when it involves having the entire school stare at her while she talks. We've only seen her give speeches and debates every season since year one, right? Lorelai reminds Rory that a person who wants to be a foreign correspondent for a living should probably feel comfortable speaking in public. Rory says she was with her until Lorelai called them "speechin' skillz." Rory says she'll do the speech, and if she gets to do the dance, it'll be even better. Alexis Bledel keeps taking a breath in the middle of her lines during this scene. In a moment that proves I'm just not girly enough, Lorelai types a few keys on her keyboard, stops for a second, stares into the air. She places a hand on Rory and says, "Oh, my God." She then runs from behind the desk towards the kitchen, where Sookie is already standing. "You're pregnant!" Lorelai screeches. Sookie screeches "Pregnant" at the same time. They jump in place and celebrate. I have no idea how they did that. At first, I figured Sookie had emailed it to Lorelai, and she had checked her email and Sookie was keeping it a surprise until Lorelai read the doctor's something-or-other. Then I thought maybe Sookie and Lorelai had some strange way to send each other messages. But I never put the food thing with the pregnant thing, and I still don't know how they both figured it out at the same time. This is because I'm not very good at being a girl. The three girls screech and squeal until crows swoop down, cawing in response.

Then in a cold, calculated move, we're forced to watch a Johnson & Johnson's commercial with a woman bathing a new baby in her kitchen sink. My ovaries are aching, and I'm just trying to make it through my seventh cup of coffee without being judged.

Chilton. A sign informs us: "Chilton Academy Bicentennial Speech Competition Today." So, it's Friday. Rory stands near Brad, reading her speech. Paris wanders over towards another student and reads over her shoulder. "Huh," she says loudly. She asks if that speech is under four thousand words, because it looks a little long. The girl says she counted them, but immediately begins counting again as Paris walks off. Paris approaches a blonde student named Shelly and wishes her good luck, saying she knows she's going to be great: "After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right?" Shelly will now trip over everything. Poor Shelly. She melts and pouts into her speech as Paris walks over to Rory and Brad. She sits beside Brad and begins singing a song about beans from Into the Woods. Brad tells her stop, but Paris doesn't. Brad says he was proud of his part. "The New York Times called me 'winningly nave.'" My friend and I were recently making a similar joke, when the L.A. Times called her "particularly effective." Paris keeps singing until Rory tells her to stop. "That is one annoying song," Paris notes. Rory tells her to leave Brad alone. Rory accuses Paris of trying to scare everyone so they'll do poorly, but Paris denies it. Paris says she was just trying to give Brad some much-needed human contact, since he's only been talking to a cow for the past year and a half. Brad loses it: "There is a person inside that cow! I've told you that!" The auditor calls in Brad, who immediately shouts, "I'm winningly nave!" Brad goes in to deliver his speech, but not before Paris asks if he has his beans. Rory tells Brad he'll do great, and he leaves. Rory says that Paris's speech must really suck if she's going through so much trouble to psyche everyone out. Paris says that mind games aren't really Rory's forte. A redhead sits beside Paris with as much gusto as one extra can. Her name is Cherry, since her hair is red. Paris compliments her shiny braces. Cherry pouts.

Lorelai couldn't be happier as she tiptoes back to the front door to announce her arrival more loudly. We hear Paris wonder how it could not be the time for Rory but the time for her. Rory says that everybody's different. Rory says that Jamie and Jess are different, too. Rory says it just might have been the time for Paris and Jamie. Paris says she wishes she had the data to back it up. Ha. Paris apologizes about the past "few weeks" with Francie. Well, she can't actually bring herself to say the word "sorry," so Rory tells her it's okay. Lorelai shouts that she's home. Lorelai gives a very cheerful hello to Paris and announces she has pizza. Paris leaves to take her retainer out. Rory leaves to get the plates. Lorelai gives Rory a huge one-armed hug and announces that she's taking Rory out shopping tomorrow for new clothes. Rory leaves. "I've got the good kid," Lorelai whispers in sing-song. Those five words really go against everything this show has tried to prove, don't they? And Paris -- she is the good kid. Paris does everything right. And she's eighteen. That's a good kid. Gah.

Chilton. Headmaster Charleston is giving a speech, commemorating the bicentennial. Rory checks her watch. Paris hasn't shown up yet, and their speech is very soon. So, it's Friday again. Lorelai is babbling about tipping the coat-check girl a dollar so that they get the good hangers. Rory tells her that Paris isn't there. She tried to call, but there was no answer. Richard walks up at this moment, saying he wouldn't miss his granddaughter talking on national television. Apparently Emily would, though. Richard compliments the turnout. Lorelai says it's amazing how many people have nothing to do on a Friday night. It's 5 in the afternoon, but okay. "Your mind never tires for a moment, does it?" Richard asks. "It will once people start talking," she answers. "Charming." Lorelai says she's off to find coffee, since there's no way she will be able to sit through C-SPAN-worthy speeches without coffee. Thanks, Mom.

In the Coffee Room, Max is busy ad-libbing with an extra: "Stanford has been really amazing." I guess that's all he's allowed to talk about when he's not asking questions about Lorelai. He excuses himself to make flirt-talk with Lorelai, saying that they've run into each other a lot lately. Twice. Once at Chilton, but fine. Max asks if Rory's around. It's Chilton. Lorelai says that Paris is missing. "Well, Paris will come," Max says. "I told her that." Y'all, the magic is gone with these two. What's with the weird chit-chat? So boring. Lorelai says she wanted to talk to him about something.

Lorelai pulls Max into Chilton's one and only classroom. She says they haven't talked since she left him at the altar. "I always meant to call you," she starts, and I don't want to hear the rest of the sentence. And I thought she was going to write him a note. Max says it's okay. Lorelai says that she never explained what happened. "You didn't marry me," Max says. "You didn't love me." Lorelai says that she just wasn't ready to get married. "Because you didn't love me," Max replies. Lorelai says that the person you love isn't always the person you want to marry. Max says he appreciates this, but there's no need for it: "I'm really okay." Lorelai says that she's not saying this because he looks like he's not okay, because he looks great. And she's not saying this just because he looks great, but asks if he's been going to a gym lately. Max says he always wanted to teach at Stanford, and he went and it was wonderful, and if he had gotten married he couldn't have done it. He went away, thought, and now he's fine. Lorelai says that they never got any closure. Max says that life isn't about closure. He says he's okay, over it, and completely sure. Lorelai says she feels stupid. "You are many things, but stupid is not one of them," Max says. No. It's five of them. Lorelai says she's glad she got to see him again. Max remembers that Rory's about to give a speech and leaves. Lorelai stands around, pouting and holding herself.

Charleston tells Rory that she and Paris are up . Paris still hasn't shown up. Charleston and Richard make small talk. Rory says she hasn't seen Paris yet. This doesn't faze Charleston for a second. "I hope you know both parts," he says before walking back into the room to find two seats for Richard. Richard gives Rory a pep talk, telling her she'll be wonderful. He tells her not to picture the audience in their underwear. He did it once and had nightmares for a week: "Bulgarians in Speedos." Lorelai walks up and asks if Paris is there yet. Rory says no. Then they spot her at the end of the hallway. For some reason, nobody is worried that Paris looks like something horrible has happened. She's walking like a zombie, wearing a purple sweater and sweat pants, her hair a mess. Our first thought is that Jamie has dumped her, having gotten what he wanted. The second thought is that someone has died. The third is that Jamie's friends raped her. These are the three things teenage television has told us to assume. ["If it had been a few weeks later, a fourth thing would be that Paris just found out she's pregnant, and thus is especially not the good kid." -- Wing Chun] Paris wanders into the room to give her speech, not even glancing in Rory's direction.

Paris won't talk to Rory. They take the stage. C-SPAN cameras film. Rory begins the speech. Paris still looks comatose. Why doesn't anybody ask what's wrong? Why won't anyone help her? Poor Paris. Rory has to read the first few lines on her own, because Paris isn't speaking. This doesn't seem to bother anybody. I'll tell you what's troublesome: Rory's public speaking skills. Don't think she's got a job in broadcasting, that's for sure. Paris trembles a little. "You know, it's funny," she starts. "Me standing here before you right now. I've thought about nothing else for four years but this school." In case we can't figure it out, Rory flips through the pages of her script to prove that Paris isn't reciting her speech. "This big, important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely. Heart and soul. Believing in its power." Oh, poor Paris. It is here that my heart breaks for her. Paris holds up a crumpled envelope. It's from Harvard. It's the tiny envelope. "Sorry, Paris. We're not interested. Try again year. Love, Harvard." Paris says nobody deserves to go to Harvard more than she does. She worked so hard over the past four years. Paris starts breaking down here as she screeches her outrage. "I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard!" The crowd beings to murmur and moan. Rory tries to wrap up the speech. Paris says that of those two things, the more unlikely was certainly her having sex. Rory wraps it up. "I'm being punished," Paris says. "I had sex so now I don't get to go to Harvard." Yep, that's how it works. We switch to the C-SPAN view as Paris points at Rory and says, "She's never had sex. She's probably going to Harvard." Rory pulls Paris offstage as Paris screams that Rory had better pack her chastity belt. A speechless, breathless Lorelai looks over to Richard to see his reaction. Richard is fast asleep.

Backstage, Paris cries and Rory tries to console her. Paris can't believe she didn't get into Harvard. Six generations of Gellars have gone. She says they had to really not like her for her not to get in. "It's like they know me or something," she says. Rory says she knows this meant a lot to Paris, but she's going to get a great education at another school and it might be a good thing to do something different from the rest of her family. Paris says she's a slut. Rory says she's not. Paris cries that Jamie might not love her anymore or think she's special: "How am I going to tell him that I didn't get into Harvard?" Like this: "Guess who's joining you at Princeton year!" ["Seriously. And Princeton isn't exactly barber college, so it's not that big a deal." -- Wing Chun] Rory holds Paris and says she doesn't know why Paris didn't get into Harvard, but everything's going to be fine. Lorelai checks in to see if everything's okay. Rory says it is. Lorelai says she'll be outside. Paris says that after all of the trouble this sex thing has caused her, she'd better have been good. She cuddles against Rory's neck. "That's the perspective I know and love," Rory says.

Coat check. Richard says the girls did a wonderful job, and then excuses himself to take a phone call from China. He hands Lorelai an envelope of money to give to Rory. He says he'll see them on Friday. Oh, but see, Richard...it is Friday, so you should see him in a couple of...never mind. The coat-check girl did a show with my boyfriend. He told me to tell you that. But she did. ["Wasn't she in Catch Me If You Can, too?" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai tells the coat-check girl that her coat is missing and that she'll fling herself off the building if she can't find it. The coat-check girl says that some of the coats are in another room: "Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right." As Lorelai walks, she notes: "Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke."

Other coat-check room. It's just Lorelai and Max, of course. Small talk, small talk. Rory's okay. Thank God RORY IS OKAY. IS RORY OKAY? IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH RORY? THANK GOD THE VIRGIN WAS SPARED FROM ANY FURTHUR HUMILIATION. Max says he just realized how hard it must be to be a girl. Thanks, Max. Right back 'atcha. Lorelai gets my favorite line of the night: "And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too." Max's hair is really, really gross -- all wet and slicked, like he's a detective. Lorelai and Max kiss for a while. "And apparently I'm not over it," he says, and then exits stage left.