Previously on Gilmore Girls, we learned that Richard's mother Lorelai isn't Emily's favorite person. Rory and CuteDean broke up, so Rory and Jess started kissing. We met Francie, the hot shot Chiltonite who hates Paris and wants to run the Student Council. Rory apologized to CuteDean 3.0, who then said he hoped one day he won't hate her.
We start on a wintry scene in Stars Hollow. Rory, Lorelai, and Lane wander through the town square. We find out that Lorelai allows Lane to practice in her garage, under the condition that Lane will never pose naked on the cover of Rolling Stone. Lane promises, and tells Lorelai that she loves her. Lane asks Rory if she knows how great her mother is. Rory forgot that fact this morning, since Lorelai took up all of the hot water during her incredibly long shower. The subject abruptly shifts to the Winter Carnival without anyone's actually making a joke about Lorelai using up all of the hot water. Lane has to go to the carnival this year because the school's marching band is raising money. Lorelai marvels at all of the bands Lane is in: "Marching band! Rock band!" She then trails off, because there are no more bands, and it's not really all that much to marvel at. "Music is my life," says Lane, saving her. Lorelai pretends to see MamaLane, which jolts Lane back to reality. Lorelai hopes that the marching band is raising money for new uniforms. They're raising money for letters to put on a banner, so that when they march, people will know who they are. Lane says the powers that be think that they don't win awards because nobody knows who they are, and not because they suck. She asks what's wrong with their uniforms. "Nothing," Lorelai says quickly, with much guilt. "We look stupid, right?" Lane asks. "The plumes are too big and it looks like big red fountains of blood spurting out of our heads." Lane gets all bent out of shape and tells Lorelai that the uniforms are mandatory and that she doesn't deserve to get mocked for them. Lorelai tells Rory to remind Lane about the rehearsals in the garage. Rory plays the peacemaker, but then makes another comment about Lorelai using all of the hot water. Lane wants to go back to the band uniforms, though, and asks on a scale of one to ten, how much she should not want Dave to see her in hers. Rory and Lorelai say in unison: "Ten." Lane thanks them, they round the corner to Luke's and we fade to opening credits.
This show was off the air for six weeks. I'm past getting excited to see a new one, and I'm spending most of my time wondering what month we're supposed to be in, since this episode was originally supposed to air in December and then it got pulled at the last minute without warning.
Chilton. Calculus class. Or maybe EA. Or Trig. Damn. I'm rusty. Anyway, so's Fraulein, who asks Paris to repeat what the teacher just blabbered in Mathian. Paris is doodling on her notebook, and tells Fraulein to ask Louisa, who immediately tells Fraulein to ask Paris. Louisa's writing notes quickly while staring intently at the instructor, while still carrying on a conversation with Fraulein, asking if she was in a fight with Paris. Ah, high school. How I miss the skills you taught me. My most glorious note-taking moment: I was completely asleep in a college classroom, my hand still taking notes (the best notes -- just one scribbly, sad line across my notebook), when the teacher shouted, "And why would that be, Pam?" And I raised my head, looked him straight in the eye and answered the question. Correctly. About Socrates. My friend turned to me and whispered, "You were totally asleep, weren't you?" I nodded. "How the hell did you just do that?" he asked. I still don't know, but man, was that awesome. Ah, sine, consine, secent, cosecent. That's Trigonometry! No, wait. There are functions on that chalkboard. F(x) and stuff. That's Calculus. And this is Chilton. It has to be Calculus.
The bell rings. Rory walks over to Paris and informs her that the bell just rang. Paris is still doodling, unaware of anything. Rory explains in detail what a bell is. Paris jolts awake. She asks what the professor talked about. "Ask Louise," Rory says. "I didn't take notes!" Paris warbles, her body tense. "I didn't pay attention!" Rory says that Paris can borrow Rory's notes. Fraulein says she'll be borrowing those notes as well. Louisa reads over Fraulein's shoulder: "Wait. Add one and divide by the new power? Oh, I thought he said 'Add one and divide by the Jew power.' It makes much more sense this way." Paris can't believe she was "zoned out" for the entire class. Rory says she must have a lot on her mind. "I do," Paris says. Rory says that she doesn't think she'll have the prom bids ready in time for this week's supplemental student council meeting. Paris says they can just cancel the supplementary meeting this week. "What?" Rory asks incredulously. At some nearby desks, Francie and two lackeys are just sitting around, listening to every word of the conversation. Don't these girls have other classes to attend? Paris says that if there's nothing to talk about, there's no need to get together. Louisa reminds Paris that she said one meeting a week wasn't enough. Fraulein reminds her that she said meeting once a week was lazy, ineffective, and no way to govern a class, and if they were going to do it like that, they might as well just buy themselves a ranch in Texas. Paris says that if they want to sit around after school and swap makeover horror stories, then count her in. She leans in: "Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red." Fraulein: "I've done that, too! Ooh, it's bad." Louisa: "She was being sarcastic." Fraulein: "I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month." Ba-dum-bum. Paris says they'll take this week off, and week they'll go back to two meetings a week. Rory nods that it sounds fair.
Fraulein and Louisa walks away, leaving a hole that Francie quickly fills. She asks if there's anything she should know about the supplemental student council meeting. Paris says they're canceling it. Francie snots how surprised she is that Paris would cancel a meeting, when she seems so attached to them. "I finally got a blankie," Paris says. "It's much better." Francie wonders what she'll do with all that free time she'll have without that meeting. "Well, I guess I'll think of something," she says. "Take a picture of which outfit wins, would you?" Paris asks as she storms away. Rory and Francie share a snotty goodbye.
Finally, Paris and Rory are on their way to another class. Paris tells Rory that she met Jamie's parents. He bought her a train ticket to Philadelphia, he met her at the station, and she spent Christmas with Jamie's family: "It was perfect. They had a Christmas tree twelve feet tall. Everything was red and silver and there was egg nog." Paris asks if Rory's ever had egg nog. Rory says she has. "It's disgusting," Paris continues. "But disgusting in a really great way. And they had tiny wreaths hanging from every doorknob and mistletoe and candles everywhere." She says she's never had a Christmas before. She's never even had a Hanukkah bush. (Dirty!) Paris goes on and on, giving a commercial for the Christian Coalition, saying that the house smelled like cinnamon and there were hundreds of presents and even some for her. Rory says it's a good sign that Jamie's mom bought Paris a present. Paris keeps going on and on about the Christmas music, and the presents and the apple cider. Then she had a theological discussion with Jamie's grandfather: "Jesus: Messiah, or nice Jewish kid with a hammer?" Rory tells Paris to skip to the end. "He told me that he loved me," Paris says with a smile. ["I assume she means Jamie said he loved her, and not that Jamie's grandfather said he loved her." -- Wing Chun] "Oh, Paris!" Rory coos. "I never thought I'd hear a boy tell me that he loved me," Paris says. Jamie's invited Paris back for Easter break. She's stoked -- getting to discuss Jesus' resurrection. "Jamie's a lucky man," Rory says, and instead of ending the scene with a joke, or maybe even some kind of conclusion, we just watch the girls walk away quietly. Maybe this scene is why they pulled this episode until after the new year.
Independence Inn. Michel is addressing a convention room in a foreign language. Whatever he said was the wrong thing, because the room quickly erupts in anger. As Lorelai walks toward the front desk, Michel runs up behind her, telling her to get out of the way. She asks why the crowd sounds so angry. Michel says he doesn't know. She asks him why they'd be so angry to hear him say "Welcome to Stars Hollow" in Hungarian. Glass shatters in the other room. She asks what Michel said instead of "Welcome." Michel frantically flips through his Hungarian to English/English to Hungarian dictionary and sees what he said instead. They look at the word and panic. What could he possibly have said with "...to Stars Hollow" that would insult them that much? "Stars Hollow fucks you" sounds like an obvious mistake. "Stars Hollow eats your mom" would have been a very difficult mistake to make. "Stars Hollow eats babies" wouldn't really cause the riot it caused. Anyway, this is such a clichéd side joke that I can't believe it got through. Moving on -- since Lorelai, the woman who runs the Inn, doesn't feel the need to calm her large group of clients, and prefers to let Michel apologize in fractured Hungarian -- we too can just move on and forget about it.
Emily calls, re-inviting Lorelai to Richard's birthday party. There is much discussion about how Emily hadn't actually invited Lorelai to this party in the first place, so it technically can't be a re-invite, since the original was never spoken. Emily explains that the party was an on-again/off-again affair, but now it's very much on again and she'd like the girls to attend. Richard's turning sixty. Emily tells Lorelai to bring a gift. (Does Lorelai have a tendency to forget these things?) Emily brags that she's bought Richard a cigar humidor. It belonged to a WWI Lieutenant, and it's rumored to contain codes carved into the bottom of the box. Lorelai promises to arrive promptly at 8, and hangs up. Michel runs back over, the Hungarians still quite outraged in the other room, and empties out the register. He tells Lorelai that once they pay the ransom, they can have their busboy back. Michel leaves without any further explanation. Yeah, it's silly in Stars Hollow, but I'm not buying this.
Back at home, Lorelai walks into the kitchen and freaks out, dropping her coffee cup and shrieking. She picks the cup up and drops it over the horrifying object on the floor. She holds herself, and tries to calm down. Cue CuteDean, carrying a large box through the back door. "Uh, I hope I'm not disturbing anything," he says. That's a strange line, because he clearly would have heard her screaming bloody murder (to steal a phrase from my mom), and probably would have rushed in to make sure she was okay. Lorelai tells CuteDean to be careful not to kick the cup, since trapped underneath is a spider "whose credits include the bathtub scene from Annie Hall." CuteDean then repeats the joke from Annie Hall, I guess because they assume we can't remember that joke or something. But listen, if you're young and you love Gilmore Girls and you're allowed to watch rated R films (which I guess isn't even a real restriction anymore, is it?), and you haven't seen Annie Hall yet, it's time for you to go rent it and let it become one of your favorite films of all time. Wait: if you haven't fallen in love yet, it might not be worth your cash. CuteDean asks what Lorelai's planning to do with the spider now that she's trapped it. "Well, I was thinking of just giving him the kitchen," she answers. "'Cause, you know, we don't use it very much, anyhow." CuteDean offers to get rid of the spider for her. Lorelai tells him to do it carefully, since the spider heard her, and spiders are vindictive. CuteDean traps the spider between a piece of paper and a cup. Lorelai says that this shows why camping is out of the question for her. Me too. CuteDean and Lorelai flirt over the spider for a little while. CuteDean! Goin' for the MILF. Impressive. Well, she's the only actor on the show tall enough for him.
As CuteDean goes out the back door to throw the spider very far away from the house, Rory comes home through the front door. She somehow doesn't know that CuteDean's there, so I guess he doesn't drive a car or anything. Rory asks a question that I assume she asks every single night since she was six: "Can we do pizza tonight? I've got a ton of studying to do." When do they not eat pizza? When they get burgers at Luke's? Rory asks why the back door is open. "The door is open because..." Lorelai pauses just long enough for CuteDean to come into frame as she says, "...Dean's here." They exchange awkward "Hi"s. He hands Rory the large box, and tells her it's some of her stuff. He sure has been holding on to it for some time, huh? She awkwardly thanks him. He awkwardly leaves before he gets a chance to ask Lorelai out. Lorelai tells Rory that it was a really big spider, one with a gun. She asks what Rory's feeling right now. "Nothing," Rory replies. "Not weirded out even a little?" Rory asks why she should feel weirded out. Because CuteDean and your mom almost had spider sex? Rory repeats that she's fine. Lorelai says that it'd be okay if Rory was weirded out a little. It'd be understandable. Whoever wrote this episode likes to just repeat things over and over, with much debating about one tiny thing. Lorelai reminds Rory that CuteDean was her boyfriend for two years and just about begs Rory to get back together with him. Rory leaves to go study; Lorelai says she'll order the pizza. At this point, shouldn't a pepperoni pizza just arrive at their house every day at 8:30?
Rory sits on her bed, takes a breath, and then opens the box. She closes it again. I'm hoping there's a letter in there from him, or maybe another car that he's made for her. Rory stares quietly at the closed box as we fade to commercial.
Stars Hollow. Snow. Snogging. Rory and Jess walk and kiss, making out all over the gazebo. Rory says she thinks it's fortunate that they have good teeth. They'd never be able to be so mouthy if either of them had braces. Rory -- who doesn't really like kissing anyway -- continually pulls away from Jess to say a few words. Jess just kisses whatever piece of skin is in front of his mouth. I guess, also, since they have to hit all of those marks during that long tracking shot, someone's got to be looking where they're going. Why doesn't Taylor walk by right now and say, "Get a room!" Rory complains that she can't catch her breath. He caresses her backpack and says she's not supposed to. Rory tells him that Thursday night is the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival. Who doesn't love a good carnival on a Thursday night? "I thought we could go, meet Lane there," Rory says, smiling. "Nope," Jess immediately answers. All you Jess lovers, take note: you know he's a bit of an asshole. Right here. You saw it, right? How he just dismisses her like that? Doesn't even care about what she wants, or what would make her happy? He's just all about him, his cool-ass image, and how he thinks this town blows. He doesn't love her. He loves kissing, the way he looks, and himself. Rory says she thinks the carnival would be fun. Jess shushes her and goes back to kissing her neck. Rory explains what a carnival is, while Jess gives her a hickey. He stops for a second and says, "Rory, I'm doing some of my best work here, and you're just talking right through it." ["Uh, okay, CHANDLER." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks Jess to come to the carnival. He calls it a "stupid town thing." They start walking. Rory points out all of the stupid town things he did attend, like the basket festival and the dance contest. Jess says he only went to those things because he was trying to get Rory: "I now have you. That means I don't have to go anymore." Jerk. Rory asks if he's serious. "As a heart attack," he says. Rory says it'll be fun. Jess: "We can...have our own fun." (Read: Stars Hollow High Cherry-Popping Festival.) Rory says she can't miss the winter carnival. "Rory, come on," Jess says impatiently, kissing her cheek. Rory points out that she's never missed the festival and goes every year. Jess is making her pick him over her best friend, who has to be at the carnival because it raises money for her band. "Just go with me, please?" Rory asks. Jess "compromises" that Rory can go to the festival, play with Lane, and then "hook-up" with him later. He says that's his final offer. They make out in the middle of the street. Rory, Rory, Rory. The bad boys never love you enough. I hope you're learning that. They almost get hit by a car as Rory laughs that one day they'll get hit by a car. Instead of a smart answer, Jess just kisses her again as they walk.
Luke's. Jess asks Rory in his "obvious" accent, "So, you want some help with your homework?" Clueless Rory asks how he's ever going to help her with her homework. Well, at least we know they haven't had sex yet. But man, is Jess trying, huh? Jess tells Rory to go upstairs, and he'll show her how he's going to help her. Luckily Lorelai walks in and saves the day. Jess goes upstairs alone. Yay. Lorelai teases Rory for almost going upstairs to kiss. Rory changes the subject and asks what's in all the bags Lorelai's carrying. Lorelai -- who often complains that she doesn't have any money yet wears t-shirts that cost over a hundred dollars on Melrose -- has bought several different potential gifts for Richard and now wants Rory's opinion on which one would be the best. Lorelai says she sucks at buying him gifts. She knows her intentions are good, and price isn't a factor. She even went so far as to follow older men who looked like Richard around the store to see what they were buying. "But I did get asked to the antique car show!" she says. Gift #1: "A state-of-the-art, high-tech, titanium bathroom scale!" Rory thinks that reminding Richard of his weight on his birthday might not be a good thing. Gift #2: "A fabulous mechanical coin sorter!" Rory says it's a little generic. Gift #3: a silk tie. Rory admits that it's a nice tie, but her disappointment can't be concealed. Luke walks over to pour more coffee and asks about the tie. Lorelai says it's for her father. "What, no Aramis this year?" asks Luke. I do believe that was my one real laugh this episode. He tells her that the big bottle usually comes with a tote bag and a soap-on-a-rope. He leaves. Lorelai moans that her gifts suck. "It's the thought that counts," says Rory. Lorelai asks what Rory got for him. Chuck Berry Live at the Fillmore on vinyl. It's exactly what he wanted. Rory knows this, because she asked him and he told her what he'd like. Rory offers to find another present for Lorelai to give him. Lorelai hands over her credit card and thanks her incredibly nice daughter. Rory asks to see the last gift Lorelai bought. "It lights up and sings," Lorelai brags. Rory says that's enough, and leaves.
Outside the bookstore, Lorelai and CuteDean bump shoulders. They both stammer an apology about not seeing one another. Rory says it's weird how they keep randomly bumping into each other. CuteDean says it's not all that random how they bumped into each other at Rory's house, since she lives there. But they agree that this right here is random. Rory points out how frequently they're saying the word "random." I agree. CuteDean asks to get a cup of coffee with Rory: "Maybe talk a little?" He offers to let them both just wander over to the coffee shop and randomly bump into one another. Rory, for reasons that are unclear, decides to get a cup of coffee with CuteDean.
Bakery. CuteDean and Rory debate for quite some time where the best place to sit would be. Rory doesn't really want to sit too close to the bathroom, but then gives a lengthy speech about why one table has to be near the bathroom because something has to be there, blah blah blah. They choose the most window-having seat in the shop. Now, I don't know why they made such a big deal out of sitting by the window, because it's not like anybody sees them sitting together in this scene. It ends up that they just debated this for a minute and a half for nothing. Why draw out this big "where shall we sit" if it doesn't come into play later? I don't get it. Rory should be nervous to sit with CuteDean where everybody who just saw her tonguing her boyfriend could see her sipping with her ex. But the debate about where to sit seems to be just because they're both nervous about being together. So the debate should be about scones or mochas instead, so we don't feel like this is foreshadowing, or has something to do with the plot.
Kirk -- always a favorite -- hops right into frame to take CuteDean's and Rory's orders. He gets to say the word "marzipan," which is always funny. I'd love to get a page of Kirk's day planner. CuteDean asks for a piece of pie. Kirk tries to run down the list of thirty pies, but CuteDean already knows what kind of pie he wants. Kirk whines that they made him memorize all these pies, but CuteDean doesn't need to hear the list. Kirk asks if CuteDean wants ice cream on it. CuteDean asks how many flavors they have. "Thirty-two." "Just the pie," CuteDean concludes. Rory says she's not hungry. She's not even getting coffee? Way to trick CuteDean into thinking you wanted to get coffee with him. Now he looks like a loser and you look like you're doing this out of pity. CuteDean says that, in all the years he's known her, she's never not been hungry.
CuteDean thanks Rory for coming, and points out how incredibly uncomfortable she is. I don't think I would have known that if he hadn't said it, since Rory's uncomfortable face is the same as her going to Emily's face or her talking to Paris face or her studying for Trig face. Rory says he's not making her uncomfortable, it's the situation that's uncomfortable. CuteDean says he understands and knows the situation. He asks how she's doing. She says she's fine. "You?" she asks. "I'm doing okay," he says. They chit-chat about his history teacher. He tells her he applied to Southern Connecticut State. Rory: "Wait. You do know that Southern Connecticut State is a four-year college." CuteDean: "Yeah, I read that in the brochure." Rory asks what happened to community college. "I changed my mind," he says. "Why?" she asks. "You," he answers. With her talk about Harvard, and all the books she pushed on him, and how she always told him that he could do more, he decided to do more. CuteDean. So cute. Yes, he's not the best actor, but he's getting a Christian Slater quality about him that I'm really enjoying. And it's not Jared Padalecki that I love as much as I just love the character of Dean. I love what Dean represents about teen love. He's that boyfriend we all wanted, or that boyfriend we had who we fucked up, shattered his heart and then wished we could get back. Rory is quite proud of CuteDean and offers to help him with admissions stuff. He says he'll take her up on that. CuteDean's pie arrives. Rory asks when all of this college stuff happened. He says it was over the past few weeks. When he got the envelope, he wanted to call her, but then he realized he couldn't. She says he could have called her. He says he can't get over how weird it all is; he went from seeing her every day to not seeing her at all. "I know," Rory says. They both agree that it's a hard thing to just let go of. CuteDean asks if maybe, maybe, um, maybe they could just be friends. Rory says she really wants to be friends. CuteDean smiles and exhales. "But...?" Rory starts. CuteDean interrupts to tell her not to ask him what he's going to do about Jess. "I have no idea," he says. They agree to take it one step at a time. He offers her a bite of pie. She takes it. The pie metaphor. Love it. Rory asks how Clara's horseback riding lessons are going. (Clara, for those of you who didn't see the one episode where she existed, is CuteDean's younger sister.)
Richard loves his Chuck Berry album. The humidor sits proudly on the table, along with The Complete History of the Peloponnesean War. Lorelai says that a partial history would skip all the dirty stuff. Richard points out how much he appreciates that the collection is wrapped in a bowtie. Lorelai says she thought it would be appropriate, and shares a look with Rory. Emily makes Richard boast about his humidor. Richard says it's been a wonderful birthday. Cue the doorbell as Richard and Emily share a rare kiss. Emily stands to get more champagne. I can't believe none of them is on edge about the doorbell ringing. But they're immediately on edge when they hear the voice coming from the other room. It's Richard's mother, Lorelai the first, played by Marion Ross. Richard calls her "Trix." Lorelai asks if Emily knew Gran was coming. "Oh, my God" is the deer-in-headlights answer Emily returns.
In the foyer, Richard asks Emily if she knew his mother was making a surprise visit. Emily says she didn't. Richard says he's floored. Gran says hello to Lorelai, and asks if she's well, working, and single by choice. She tells Rory she wants to hear all about her college plans. Gran turns to Emily and says, "Oh, Emily, I don't know if you realize it or not, but it's not proper to receive guests in the foyer. It puts people in the awkward position of having to invite oneself in." Emily quickly invites her in, apologizing and inviting over and over. Richard and Gran walk into the other room. Emily whispers to Lorelai, "What is she doing here?" Lorelai whispers back that she's visiting. Emily says she hasn't prepared yet. She hasn't shopped or set up the guest room. She remembers with a shock that all of Gran's horrible gifts are still hiding in the basement. Lorelai says it's too late to do anything about that now.
Living room. Gran greets Emily with an "Oh, Emily. You're still here." Emily asks if she can get Gran some champagne. "Well, if you wish me to be violently ill tomorrow, absolutely." Lorelai warns Emily not to answer that. Richard hands Gran a drink. He asks what she's doing there. He says she couldn't have traveled all the way from England just for his birthday. She says it's worth the trip, but that she did also have some business in town. The musicians who have rented out Gran's home have recently moved out, so she came to check on the house and find new tenants. Lorelai asks about the musicians. "A rock and roll group of some sort," Gran says. "I believe they call themselves Korn." Yes, it's funny to make Marion Ross say "Korn," but come on. Rory thinks that's cool. Gran says they were fine tenants and planted some lovely tulips in the front yard. And there's probably a pot garden in the back yard, Gran. Emily asks what kind of outings Gran is planning. She suggests the arboretum. Gran says she has no desire to spend an entire day with plants. "I'm not a bee," she says. It's quite funny. It's the same line reading that John Lithgow gave on a Third Rock From the Sun episode that still cracks me up to this day. He was smoking cigarettes because he thought it made him look really cool. So someone tells him to read the warning label on a pack of cigarettes. He picks up the pack, reads the side, and haughtily says, "Well, I'm not a fetus," and smokes away. Hysterical. Gran says she'd like to see Lorelai's Inn, and to have dinner there tomorrow night. Rory and Lorelai make faces. Lorelai explains that they had plans to go to the winter carnival tomorrow night. Rory says they can skip it. Gran says that Rory's a young person who works hard and that it's equally important to have fun. She tells Rory to go to the carnival. "Lorelai, you've had enough fun in your life." "And then some," Lorelai agrees. "Dinner will be for the grownups," Gran concludes. She asks how the birthday's going. Richard says he's getting spoiled rotten. He brags about the humidor that Emily bought for him. Gran immediately counters, "You know, your father had a humidor that was owned by Victor Hugo. I still have it if you'd like it." The look on Emily's face here is priceless. Her humidor ["Dirty!" -- Wing Chun] has now been completely forgotten. Gran excuses herself to freshen up. Emily offers to fix up the guest room, but Richard says he'll do it. Gran tells Emily that this will give her time to go down to the basement, retrieve all of the gifts Gran's sent over through the years, and place them around the room as if they actually stand there all year. She leaves. Lorelai asks Emily if she wants some help with the gifts. "Yes, please," Emily says meekly. They quietly walk out of the room as we go to commercial. What's with the weird scene endings?
Independence Inn. Kitchen. Sookie has made too much food, and she's making her staff wear tuxes. Sookie, I wish you were not too busy to be in my show. But you are. (Melissa McCarthy's in the Groundlings, and they perform the same time as our show and this is just me babbling on a tangent, but I do wish she were able to do it. But she can't. But Alex Borstein is in our show this weekend, and that's a Gilmore Girls shout-out. And I'm plugging my own show. I don't care. Alex Borstein, formerly of Gilmore Girls and Mad TV alum, real-life wife of Jackson, is in my show this weekend. I'm spreading the Gilmore Girls love.) Sookie's so happy to make all of this food for Gran's dinner. I wonder where the Inn gets the money for Sookie to make a Babette's Feast every night. Michel walks in and announces that Emily's on the phone. "Can you take a message?" Lorelai asks with a wave. Michel asks if Lorelai's asking if he has the mental and physical capacity to take a message. Lorelai takes the phone.
Emily's calling from her car. She's in a panic, her car full of flowers. "She wants to see your house," Emily tells her. "Tonight, before dinner." Gran wants to see Lorelai's house. This doesn't faze Lorelai, but it terrifies Emily. She reminds Lorelai of the monkey lamp. Lorelai says the house is clean. "If I came in there with white gloves, what would I find?" Emily asks. "That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?" Lorelai answers. Emily says she'll just figure it out when she gets there. "When you get where?" Lorelai asks. Emily says she's turning on to Lorelai's street right now. Lorelai goes into a panic, telling her to make an illegal U-turn and go in the opposite direction from Lorelai's house right now. Emily says she knows there's a key in a turtle "or some ridiculous thing like that," and that she'll let herself in. "I'm here," Emily says. "I'll talk to you later, Lorelai." She hangs up as Lorelai shouts her name.
Chilton. Rory closes her locker. Francie leans out a classroom door and asks Rory to step inside for a moment. "It's just so lucky I caught you," Francie says. In the classroom, students are sitting around a table. Rory asks what's going on. Francie says it's the student council supplementary meeting. Rory reminds Francie that Paris cancelled this meeting. "She did, didn't she?" Francie says. Fraulein tells Rory that there was an issue Francie needed to discuss. She's even got an adviser. He says that Francie needed to discuss a timely issue. Rory says that Francie never told her she had an issue. Francie says she was so surprised that Paris cancelled the meeting that she totally forgot to mention her issue. Rory asks to cancel the meeting, but the adviser says no. He asks if anyone saw Paris. Francie says she saw her walking off with her brother. Louisa says that Paris doesn't have a brother. "Really? Well, she certainly seemed to know him," she says. Now, Jamie wouldn't even be at Chilton, since he's at college, and...whatever. Blah blah blah, Francie has figured out a way to get what she wants for her prom bid. The Wadsworth Mansion had a cancellation, and they can get it for prom if they move quickly. Rory reminds them that they voted already that the Mansion was too expensive if they were going to give a telescope as a senior gift. Francie says that a tree in the park is just fine, since every class plants a tree for the school. She makes everyone vote, and the Mansion it is, despite Rory's constant attempts to stick up for Paris's wishes. What a shitty adviser. For the record, it does appear that Fraulein voted for the Mansion at the last minute. Francie dismisses the meeting. "Chin up," she tells Rory. "We'll make it a really big tree."
Lorelai has rushed home from the Inn; Emily's boat of a car is in her front yard. Lorelai shouts, "Hold it right there!" as she walks through the front door. Emily freezes, bent over the couch she was trying to shove to a side of the room. "This couch cannot stay," she says. Lorelai says Emily can't move anything. Watch for the moment the camera man trips on something and the view goes askew. Emily complains about the awful couch and the horrible chair and Lorelai tells her to leave everything alone. Emily brought flowers but can't find a vase. "All I could find was a ceramic Betty Boop head." She decides to get some tarps, throw them over everything, and tell Gran that Rory and Lorelai are redecorating. Lorelai asks what's so horrible about the room. Emily says that Gran will take one look around at the "drugstore collection of hobo furniture" and blame Emily for everything: "Basically, everything is my fault." Lorelai tries to calm Emily down, but is still taking great pleasure in all of this. She sits Emily down. Emily complains about the lumpy couch. Lorelai offers some advice: "You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma." Lorelai says that she knows there are many things in her life that Emily disapproves of, like the couch. Emily says the couch is terrible. Lorelai says that, at one point in her life, having Emily hate a couch that Lorelai spent eight months paying for would have been traumatic, but not anymore. Now she takes great pleasure in how worked up Emily gets over things, and when Emily hates something that Lorelai loves, Lorelai just finds it amusing. Emily says she doesn't know what to think about that. Lorelai tells her to think it's a great idea, because this point of view could set her free. Emily crumples and pouts. Lorelai asks what she's thinking about. "That ridiculous Betty Boop head," Emily answers. Lorelai smiles: "So am I." Strummy music on Emily's take to camera two.
Francie walks away from her locker. We all know the scene that's coming up; it's a line-for-line recreation of the time Francie pulled Rory into the bathroom to discuss her coup. But this time it's Rory talking. Francie gets out a Heathers reference, but other than that it's the same speech, gum and all. Rory tells Francie that she's only had one goal all year. "To achieve the perfect liquid line," Francie says. "To take Paris down," Rory says. "And to achieve the perfect liquid line," Francie repeats. Rory says she's no longer going to be Francie's go-between. She calls Francie a jerk -- the biggest insult of The WB -- and says that Francie's now on her own. Rory is no longer her ally. She circles Francie and says she'll be as big a pain as Francie is to Paris. Francie warns Rory that she doesn't want to be her enemy. Can I get a normal name around here? Francie tells Rory that she's going to be very sorry. Cue the episode. ["Heeey. 'Paris'? 'Francie'? I just got that." -- Wing Chun]
Rory and Lorelai are running out of spaces for flowers. Lorelai tells Rory just to toss the last bunch out the window. The house is immaculate; flowers are everywhere, the monkey lamp is in a closet, the singing Rabbi is in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia is under Rory's bed. As the cameraman approaches the girls, he trips over the couch or something, because the shot rocks back and forth, like it's on a boat. Lorelai is wearing one of those waist belt Kimono things that I can't stand. Lorelai tells Rory she wants a play-by-play commentary of the carnival, but doesn't need all the kissing details. There's a knock at the door. Rory asks what happens if Gran doesn't like the house. "I think we have to move," Lorelai says. Lorelai answers the door. Everybody says hello for a while, until Gran announces that the greetings have been exhausted. She walks inside. Everyone follows behind Gran in a close shuffle as Gran inspects the place, room by room. Lorelai says that this might be too modest for Korn, but that Weezer would be quite comfortable. Gran's not offering much, but just walks from place to place. Everyone follows her quietly. The cameraman is having a hard time keeping the camera steady as he follows them around. The focus shifts up, down, up again. Gran says it's time to go. What, no upstairs? "Are we moving?" Rory asks. "I don't know," Lorelai answers. Emily leans in and says, "Lorelai, I swear to God, if you prolong this evening." Lorelai says she's coming. Rory tells them to have fun. "No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady," Emily snaps back. They leave and we watch Rory stand around for a little while.
Walking to the winter carnival, Rory tries one last attempt to get Jess to come with her. He's still not doing it, because he's more important to him. He says he'll meet her at Miss Patty's at 9. As they kiss goodbye, Clara runs up to Rory full speed, arms open wide. They hug. Jess gets jealous, since Rory never presses that much of her body up to him when he hugs her. CuteDean walks up behind and says, "She got away from me." Jess immediately snaps, "Buy a stronger leash." Yo, watch it, smart-ass. The girl's right there. CuteDean brings up the crazy psychic who comes every year. They make psychic small talk until Clara asks Jess who he is. Jess says he's nobody. Clara says he has to be someone. Rory introduces them. The girl playing Clara is fifteen; the lines for Clara are written for a three-year-old. It's more than annoying, and I don't know why they did it. Clara asks if they're going to the carnival. Rory says that she is, but Jess isn't. Clara asks why he's not going. Rory says that Jess has things to do. Clara asks if this means Rory can come with her and CuteDean. Rory says she could. "I'm going," Jess says quickly. Suddenly, he's Mr. Carnival. CuteDean gives a look as Clara says she thought he had things to do. "Well, I don't," Jess says. "Rory just said you had things to do," Clara says. See? What's with all the repetition? Every scene has this debating about some tiny thing back and forth. "Hey, Tattoo? Just look for the plane, will ya?" snaps Jess. Now here, I don't get it. Why didn't anybody tell him to shut the hell up? He's insulting this little girl and both Rory and CuteDean normally wouldn't stand for it from anyone, much less Jess. I don't understand why he's allowed to say these things. They aren't even funny. Rory tells Jess he doesn't have to go, but Jess says he's totally going. Clara announces that they're off. She babbles to CuteDean about all of the food she's going to eat. "Pace yourself," CuteDean tells her. "Rory never tells me to pace myself," she whines. Not another person trying to date Rory. She's not that perfect, people. Jess puts an ultra-protective arm around Rory.
Okay. For this establishing shot of the Independence Inn, we're clearly looking at a dollhouse covered in fake snow. The tiny bushes more than give it away. It's so weird, how obvious the fake house is.
Once inside, Lorelai is showing Gran around the dining room. Gran calls it small; Lorelai calls it quaint. Richard compliments Sookie. They sit at the table. Gran says that the Inn is quite impressive. She says it's no arboretum, but it's nice just the same. Emily says it was just a suggestion. "Yes, it was," Gran agrees. She marvels at the tiny menus on the table. Lorelai says that Sookie wanted everything perfect. Michel walks up, and Lorelai introduces him to Gran, who immediately asks him for a pen. She writes on the menu the times that she'd like each course brought out -- twelve minutes apart -- but that the servers shouldn't clear the plates until everyone at the table is finished. She wants Michel, because he's the concierge, to take the menu to Sookie. Everybody makes a patient, strained face. Michel thanks her: "It's so rare that I get to carry a note anymore." He gives Lorelai the stink-eye before he walks off.
Winter Carnival. All of Stars Hollow High must be in the marching band, from the looks of things. Clara is asking Jess if that's his real name and if he likes it, or if he'd rather be named Bill, Frank, Todd, or Ed. "Does this belong to you?" Jess asks CuteDean. CuteDean asks Clara if she'd like a snow cone. There's snow on the ground, by the way, so the choice of a snow cone seems odd to me. Clara asks Jess if he'll get her a snow cone. "Absolutely!" he says. "Go stand in the middle of the street and wait until I get back." Come on, people. Admit it. He's an asshole. CuteDean says he'll go get the snow cone. "And one for Rory too," Clara demands. CuteDean says he'll get one for Rory as well. Clara asks Jess if he washes his hair. Jess says he does, which is news to most of us. Clara asks why it sticks up and looks crazy. Rory abandons her boyfriend to go see Lane. Rory and Lane make small talk about cable reception. Lane asks if she really saw Rory with Jess and CuteDean. Rory says she'll explain tomorrow at Luke's.
As Jess tries the Bottle Toss, Clara provides the color commentary: "You missed. You missed. You missed." "Hey, you wanna learn how to fly?" Jess asks her menacingly. Rory steps in. Clara tells Rory that Jess can't throw. Jess says he can, but that he can't concentrate with Clara's "annoying midget voice yammering on and on and on." If Clara's really supposed to be, like, eleven or whatever, Jess is way out of line. He says that she's like having Stuart Little shoved in his ear. CuteDean returns with snow cones. "They only had cherry," he says. Uh huh. Another cherry reference. I get it. CuteDean takes Clara away to play ice bowling. Rory asks how much to play. Jess pays the dollar for her. And then Rory says that since she's a girl, she's supposed to throw like this. What's with all the weak girls this week? From Paris to Rory, a little testosterone and everyone's become a mindless weakling? What's up? Jess asks if Rory was going to go to the carnival with CuteDean. Rory promises that she wasn't. He asks when they got so buddy-buddy again. She says they're not talking, but they talked once. She explains that they got together and talked and decided to be friends. She totally blames it all on CuteDean -- that he asked her to the coffee shop, and he asked if they could be friends. She says he knows they're together, and it's not like that. It's a small town and it'd be nice to be polite. "So you were just being polite," Jess says. Rory points out that CuteDean's never done anything bad to her. Jess says he just thought she'd tell him. Rory apologizes. She makes Jess promise that he's not mad and that he believes her. Rory throws the ball and knocks the bottles over. "Here you go, congratulations!" says the extra who's so damn happy to have scored a line on Gilmore Girls. My goodness, he's enthusiastic. Rory complains that her bear is tiny and Jess says he could have bought her one for a quarter. Rory says that Clara will probably like it. "Yes," Jess says, "shoved in her mouth." "She's cute!" Rory says. As they walk away, we see the crazy psychic for a second.
Independence Inn. Richard tells Gran that his business is doing well now. Gran says that Richard's a go-getter, just like Lorelai. Sookie comes up to see how dinner's coming along. Gran compliments Sookie, and then asks why her uniform has a large cut down the middle of her back. Sookie does a very funny physical re-enactment of something that was heavy and something that fell and things that were sharp and craziness and wackiness. Hee. She's so funny. Sookie excuses herself since she's got such a tight schedule to follow. Richard asks whom Gran's planning to move into her house. "Me," she answers. She says her health isn't too good, since she's getting older, and she wants to live closer to her family, so she's tying up a few loose ends in London and then moving back to Hartford. Richard's pleased. Emily is not. Lorelai pouts. Richard promises to send Gran to the finest doctors. He says that he and Emily will look after her day and night. Gran says it's time for the course. Emily says she's not done eating. Gran says that Emily had twelve minutes. Emily insists that she's not done. She slowly eats from her plate as they wait. Gran rolls her eyes. "That'll do, pig," Lorelai says. "That'll do." Yeah, no. Not exactly sure what that means in this context, and it's a few years too late.
CuteDean pretends to read in a darkened hallway created especially for boyfriend face-offs. Jess stands on some stairs so he doesn't look so pathetically sized to CuteDean. Jess asks if CuteDean needs some help with the big words. CuteDean invites him to come over to where he is so he can show him which ones are giving him a hard time. Jess laughs and says that CuteDean's getting a little pathetic with the "friends" routine: "Rory's taken pity on you. That's why the sudden interest in being your friend." CuteDean says that Jess likes to hear himself talk. Jess says the saddest thing is that CuteDean thinks that by being Rory's friend he can get her back. CuteDean says they're just friends, just like Jess and Rory used to be just friends: "And hey, look how it turned out for you." Clara comes out of the "lavatory" and says she's ready for popcorn. She says goodbye to Jess. Clara asks CuteDean if Rory would like some popcorn. "I don't know," he says. "Let's go ask her." CuteDean turns back to look Jess in the eye. They leave and we watch Jess stand still for a while.
Outside Lorelai's house, Rory and Lorelai sit in the snow. Rory eats leftovers and calls the food impressive. Lorelai says it wasn't as impressive as Emily making four green beans last an hour and a half. She cut the last bean into six pieces. "The student surpasses the master," Rory says. Lorelai says she was bummed she missed the carnival, and Rory tells her there's a snow cone in the freezer for her. Lorelai asks how it ended with "Cheech and Chong." "Jess knows I'm friends with Dean. Dean knows I'm dating Jess and they both seem fine with it," says Rory. Lorelai smiles and says, "I just like that once in a while you still seem like a little kid." Hee. Rory says they really do seem fine with it. Lorelai says they should just watch the snow. Fade to black.