Previously: Richard likes Yale. Lorelai doesn't like how much Richard likes Yale. Rory "definitely" broke up with Dean. Lane really likes Dave.
We open with Lorelai and Rory watching a video or documentary or something about two Edies in the Kennedy family. I have no idea who these women are. Is it because I'm too young, or because I live under a political rock? I mean, an entire opening teaser centered around two women and a videotape I'm unfamiliar with. I hate it. ["It's a cult-favourite documentary called Grey Gardens. Rufus Wainwright wrote a song about it." -- Wing Chun] Rory bemoans the current sadness that is Little Edie: "She's just trying to sing but her mom won't stop talking." Lorelai says she can't believe these women were related to Jackie. Rory says that the Kennedys hid them away from the public. Lorelai: "Well, when you're a Kennedy, how do you even choose who in the family to hide?" We watch the women on the tape sing and bicker some more. Lorelai says there's something beautiful about the women, how cool and free they are. Rory appreciates how memorable they are, commenting that "most people are forgettable," which is a statement I don't think Rory would ever make. Also, how memorable could these ladies be? Lorelai and Rory giggle and root for the girls until they realize they're about ten years away from being those women themselves. It scares Rory much more than it frightens Lorelai. Then it frightens Lorelai, but still not as much.
Independence Inn. Ooh, when your opening credit is "Guest Starring: Sally Struthers," either you're out of special guests, you're doing an episode with just cast regulars, or you've packed your episode so full of townies and bit players that Sally Struthers has floated to the top of the name-recognition heap. Sookie is on a rampage in her kitchen, because she's having a sub at the Inn for Thanksgiving, for some reason. She's worried that the sub chef will be sub-par and will soil Sookie's name. Lorelai tries to calm Sookie down, but Sookie's too busy bitching at one employee for beating her egg whites too fiercely. Who did Sookie's hair? It's not fair that Lorelai and Rory are always pristine in hairstyles, but Sookie's got this messy part in the back. All three of those ladies are too busy for hair, so if one of them gets to be pretty, all three should get to be pretty. Do they make Melissa McCarthy do her own hair? Because when I wear my hair like that, I pretty much make the same messy part. That's because I don't have a stylist. Michel stands nearby, enjoying himself, sipping coffee as Sookie threatens to kill Bob, her stand-in chef. Sookie starts rooting through the garbage as Michel gleefully notes, "Oh, this can only be good." Lorelai tries to get Sookie to stop pulling celery tops out of the trash. Sookie says she'll stop digging through the trash when her kitchen help stop wasting food. Lorelai makes Sookie drop the celery and pulls her aside. She tells Sookie that she's torturing herself.
Emily walks in behind Lorelai. "Emily, hi!" Sookie says. Lorelai laughs and tells Sookie that her joke is very high-school. Sookie says hello to Emily again, prompting Lorelai to mock her by saying hello to Stalin, just over Sookie's shoulder. Emily startles Lorelai by saying hello. She points out that Sookie had already announced Emily's presence, and that she didn't appreciate getting compared to Stalin. Emily asks to speak with Lorelai for a minute. They walk one foot to the left, which somehow means they've gone someplace else to talk. Emily wants to know whether Lorelai and Rory are coming to Thanksgiving dinner, since Lorelai's been avoiding Emily's phone calls, making excuses and lies about bad phone connections or an illness that prevented Lorelai from coming to dinner. Lorelai admits that she doesn't look sick right now, but that's because her allergies come and go. Emily informs Lorelai that she and Richard are leaving town at the beginning of December and won't be back until after January, so Thanksgiving is the last time the four of them can be together for a while. She says there will be other people there, so the focus won't be on Lorelai (which is enough for Lorelai not to want to go, honestly). She says that Lorelai and Rory could probably get by with just polite hellos and goodbyes. Emily's hair is awful, too. All frizzy and thin, with ends flying around. Where's the stylist for this shooting day? Emily reminds Lorelai that Emily wasn't involved in the Yale switcheroo, and says she wants her daughter and granddaughter at her Thanksgiving dinner. She says that if Lorelai claims she's sick, a doctor's note isn't going to cut it: Emily will need to have Lorelai's doctor come to dinner. Emily leaves.
Chilton. A science teacher is discussing the parts of the cell until the bell rings. "That was really distracting," Fraulein says. Paris: "Oh. Well, by all means, Madeline, you should point out to the faculty that their annoying custom of teaching is distracting you from more important things, like nail-filing and daydreaming about marrying Ryan Phillippe." Louisa points out that Ryan Phillippe is already married. Fraulein notes that everything the teacher said in the last five minutes sounded dirty, like "reticulum." Louisa thinks the "Golgi body" sounds particularly pornographic. "My life with the Banger Sisters," Paris drones. This is done much better in the current running joke on the show with a simple "Dirty!" Rory asks what everyone's doing for Thanksgiving. Paris refuses to talk about it. Louisa tells a long story about getting to see her dad in prison, and that her dad will get to have two hours with his family in a trailer in the parking lot before one of the Manson girls gets it, since his company donated some treadmills to the prison. Fraulein notes that it's good they're eating dinner before the Manson girl and not after. Paris is very upset about her Thanksgiving, because there aren't any soup kitchens or shelters that need volunteers, and Paris needs to volunteer so that she can put it on her transcripts. I've just summed it up in once sentence, but they allow it to go on for like, five or seven, not one of them building to any kind of joke, but really just the same thing stated over and over again. Fraulein says she'll be busy filling out applications to backup schools. Louisa says she has to do that as well. Paris scolds the girls, saying she gave them that assignment a long time ago. Louisa calls Paris "Mom," and apologizes. Paris says this is about being prepared, and that she got Harvard and her backups in weeks ago. Fraulein has to leave. Louisa goes with her. Don't they have another class to attend? Paris keeps saying Harvard is going to be expecting shelter work. Paris asks if Rory knows that she ultimately does all of these things for the good of mankind. Rory: "Oh, yeah." Paris: "Sometimes I don't think I come off that way." She gets a phone call. It's another shelter, saying they're full. Paris begs to get stuck at "any old pot." She says that she's small, and has her own spoon. A slotted spoon, even. Yes, the bit keeps on going and going and going. Finally, Rory walks away.
Stars Hollow. Lorelai is informing Rory that they'll be attending Emily's for Thanksgiving. Rory wants to know how they're going to do four Thanksgivings: Lane's, Sookie's, Luke's, and Emily's. "We're mad, Edie," Lorelai says. She says they have to go to Emily's or they'll be brought up on war crimes. Lane's is always "super-early" and Sookie's is mid-afternoon, but Luke's will be difficult to attend. Lorelai says they'll just have to skip it. She says he won't care, since holidays aren't anything to him. Kirk exits the expensive-looking cat shop just then, which makes me wonder just how many cats Stars Hollow could have. Lorelai asks if Kirk just discovered a new fetish, since his arms are loaded with cat supplies. Kirk doesn't get it, so Rory notes that he must have a new cat. "Yep, I'm very excited," Kirk deadpans. "You seem it," Lorelai notes. Rory looks at Kirk's packages and says she's assuming there's nothing left in the store. Kirk says that there are a number of things still inside, and remarks that his excitement must be clouding his ability to judge comedic hyperbole. He tells them he got the cat from a lady who was giving away cats at the store. He named the cat Kirk. Lorelai asks if that's confusing. Kirk says it isn't if you think about it. Lorelai thinks about it, and says it's still confusing. Kirk says he'll never be calling himself when he calls the cat's name, and he likes the name Kirk, so the cat is named Kirk. But he realizes then that when his mom calls, he won't know which Kirk she's calling for. He decides to make her call the cat CatKirk and he'll be HumanKirk. He says he's glad he ran into the girls so that he could figure that out. The girls say, "Bye, HumanKirk" as he leaves. "He's always been a cat person; he just never had a cat," Rory decides.
Luke's. Lorelai asks if she can sit anywhere. Luke says she can. Lorelai asks a couple of people at a table to move. Luke pushes Lorelai and says he hates when she does that (and she's already done it in a past episode), and tells her to take an empty table. Lorelai protests that it's her show-stopping joke. Lorelai asks if Rory's ready to order. Luke says he saw them coming and already made up their Wednesday usual: French Dip with extra fries. Mmm. The girls thank him. "I got to get back to stuffing my turkey," Luke says. Lorelai asks if that's what the kids are calling it these days. She doesn't, but that's a better joke than the one she said. Why is Luke stuffing his turkey an entire day in advance? Lorelai tells Luke that he can stuff one less, since they're not going to make it to dinner. "Oh, okay. Fine," Luke says, with an exhale. Lorelai gives the Dangerous Liasons excuse: "It's beyond our control." Luke says it's fine, offers a "whatever," and leaves for coffee.
Lorelai asks Rory whether she noticed how Luke looked. "Disappointed," Rory notes. They didn't think it was possible to disappoint Luke. Rory says they never knew, in all these years, that he liked their company. They make a few Cindy-Lou Who jokes and then decide to tell Luke that they'll grace him with their company after all. Lorelai pretends to get off her cell phone, even though she's not supposed to use it in the restaurant. She lies to Luke that she cleared everything with her mother, and now they'll have time to have dinner at his place. Luke says he already stopped prepping their turkey (they get their own turkey?), and he doesn't want them to feel like they have to come. "This is tiring," Lorelai says, folding into herself with exhaustion. Rory offers to kneel behind Luke while Lorelai pushes him over. Luke asks if it's going to be a hassle. Lorelai promises that it won't. She says they're coming. She shoos him away. "That was very nice," Rory says. I guess. Lorelai says she hates disappointing people. Rory asks how they're going to eat four Thanksgiving meals. Oh, it's so hard being popular, isn't it? Why not skip Lane's Thanksgiving? She's got family. Anyway, Lorelai asks, "What are we, if we are not champion eaters?" She says they've been training their whole lives for this, and that this will be their finest hour, and many other such things as well. She says they'll receive the gold medal in eating, and that they aren't "Michelle Kwan-ing this." They decide to skip the rolls. Rory asks if they should fast today so that they're ready for tomorrow. "Unnecessary," Lorelai decides. Slow fade to commercial.
Thanksgiving morning. Lorelai and Rory walk toward the market, discussing the things they need to buy. They need flowers for everyone they're visiting, and cranberry sauce for the Kims. Rory says they might need Tums as well. "You mean, Amateur Pills?" Lorelai asks. Rory says she'll get the flowers, if Lorelai goes inside the market, where Dean is. Jess walks right up (I guess Lorelai didn't see him?) and grabs Rory. They start kissing, right there. This does not make Rory happy, since she's probably right in Dean's sightline, so she breaks away with a couple upset "Stop!"s and pulls Jess over to a corner for more kissing. He doesn't like being shunned, nor being Rory's "secret friend," and wants to know when they might be able to show their affection in public. He says she wasn't that way with Dean. But she was, really. She never mugged in public. Quick kisses, yes, but no real pelvis-touching action. Rory says she doesn't want to flaunt their relationship, but Jess says he does. She begs him and promises that they can eventually kiss around people. Jess suggests that they wear Three Stooges masks so nobody knows who they are -- Jess is Mo and Rory's Curly. Rory promises that this will get better with time. She asks them to play it cool. "Hey, I'm Frank at the Sands," Jess says. "That's cool," Rory says, kissing him near his mouth as she walks away. Jess leaves in the other direction. Where's he going? Where? Why? Doesn't matter. Guess his mom doesn't want him around for the holidays. ["Would you?" -- Wing Chun]
Inside Doose's Market, Lorelai runs into Kirk, who is buying a basket full of first aid supplies. It seems CatKirk has a bit of a temper, and when Kirk doesn't announce himself before he enters a room, he ends up with a few scratches. Or gouges, actually -- one on his hand, and a nasty one on the back of his neck, from when Kirk put CatKirk's food bowl down in front of him. CatKirk doesn't like that. But Kirk turns the wrong way to show the neck scratch, and we can barely see it. In fact, I needed TiVo's slow-motion feature to catch it, on the far right side of his neck. HumanKirk then admits he doesn't know if CatKirk is a boy or a girl, yet. The cat hasn't exposed his or her underside yet. Lorelai hopes that the cat exposes itself to Kirk soon.
Kirk leaves, and CuteDean overplays the "Looks Nervous" stage direction he was given. Lorelai walks up to him and asks about his Thanksgiving shift. CuteDean says he gets time and a half, and tries to get back to work. Lorelai says that Stars Hollow is a small hamlet, and that it's difficult to avoid someone there, so she'd really like not to avoid him, and vice versa. There's a very strange head-on angle they shoot this shot in, and it's really jarring from the scene, the way they're suddenly facing us while they talk, as if we are CuteDean. We are inside CuteDean. Finally! Lorelai says that she really likes Dean and he's a pal and the best first boyfriend Rory could ever have (note "first," since there's already a "second"), and even though Rory broke up with him, it doesn't mean Dean and Lorelai broke up, too. Dean seems to like that, and smiles. He says that's good to hear. He sighs and Lorelai wishes him a Happy Thanksgiving. Lorelai leaves without paying.
Rory has her hands filled with flowers, and comments they had a really good selection this year. Lorelai shows Rory the chocolate turkeys she bought in the market. Rory asks Lorelai whether Dean was inside. Lorelai says that he was, and that he's fine, and getting time and a half today. Rory seems relieved. They decide to go "eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat."
MamaLane opens the door: "Ah. The Gilmores. Happy Thanksgiving." Lorelai and Rory can't believe what a great mood MamaLane is in. Lorelai hands MamaLane her gifts: flowers, cranberry sauce, and a chocolate turkey. MamaLane asks if she should just write a blank check to the kids' dentist. Lorelai says the kids could just play with it, if they don't want to eat it. MamaLane doesn't know how the kids could play with a chocolate turkey, and then complains that hers is missing its head. Lorelai replaces the turkey -- she had accidentally given MamaLane the wrong one. Oh, man. This episode didn't seem this boring the first time around when I just sat back with some tea and zoned out, but now that I'm having to write all of this down, nothing's happening. It's all small talk, without the normal wittiness. MamaLane, takes off, and Lorelai tells Rory that her arms are too short to box with MamaLane. Rory notices that Dave's inside the house, playing guitar. She says, "Oh, my God!" loudly in the house, as if that would be tolerated even once. Rory and Lorelai comment that Dave looks neat and tidy. Rory: "He's gone corporate." Lorelai: "He's gone Korean."
Lane walks up and says hello. Before Rory can ask what Dave's doing there, Lane pushes the girls one foot north, into the sound-proof barrier of one foot north. She says that he's not the Dave Rygalski she's in a band with, but rather the Dave Rygalski who wrote an ad at her church looking for guitar gigs, playing Christian music. Lane admits that she made the ad and then pretended to find it later. Lorelai asks if they're dating. Lane says they're laying the groundwork. She says that if MamaLane gets to know Dave before they date and she approves, she could date him without all of the secrets and lies, except for who he is, where they met, and how she knows him. MamaLane is cursing out a cousin, who's leaning back in his antique chair. MamaLane tells the kid that if he breaks it, he buys it, and there's only a 10% discount for relatives like him.
Lorelai goes through the room, saying hello to every relative, remembering all of their names, acting like they're all old friends, even though not one of them stands to hug Lorelai or acknowledge her presence. Everyone just sits facing forward, food in lap or Bible in hand, looking up at Lorelai in a way that it seems she's just walking around making up names. "Foo Kim, hi. Song Li, hello." She compliments MamaLane on her buffet table. MamaLane tells Lorelai to try the Tofurkey. There's no option but the Tofurkey, so they grab a few...chunks. MamaLane introduces Dave as a big fan of the Tofurkey. Dave, Lorelai, and Rory pretend to introduce themselves. MamaLane requests Hymn 17. After he walks away with a "Yes, Ma'am," Lorelai notes to MamaLane that he seems like a nice boy. MamaLane says he's not a bad sight-reader, either. Rory can't believe that Lorelai's taking some of the Tofurkey. Lorelai says she's also grabbing a handful of napkins to dispose of the Tofurkey later. Rory compliments Lorelai's cunning ways.
Lane asks MamaLane if they should take a break from the hymns while they're eating. MamaLane says that Dave should play quietly in the background, but that they won't sing. After all, she's paying him to play, not to sit around. Dave quietly begins to play, "The Man Who Sold the World" and MamaLane stops in her tracks. Dave breaks into hymn strumming and gives a look to the blushing, smitten Lane. Lorelai and Rory watch from the side, approving.
On their way to Sookie's, Lorelai is pretty sick from the Tofurkey. Rory asks if Lorelai feels "Tofurkier." She can't believe that MamaLane watched her like a hawk, and she never got a chance to dump the Tofurkey. Okay, I don't really get this, but I guess Jackson's got some white-trash roots, and all of these people have skipped spending Thanksgiving with their own families and want to get drunk and rowdy on the front lawn of Sookie's house instead. Also, Jackson's deep-frying the turkey, something that's making Sookie incredibly upset. She thought that when Jackson asked if he could make the turkey, he'd make a simple roast, and she'd go in there in the middle of cooking and give it an herb rub and pancetta-chestnut stuffing. I also don't understand why Lorelai and Rory wouldn't have heard about deep-fried turkey before, nor how they wouldn't be totally stoked to try it, since it's supposed to taste like the best fried chicken ever. Sookie says you can deep-fry fish, fries, and even a donut, but not a turkey. Those of you in Los Angeles, make sure you go to Lulu's Blue Plate Special on Sawtelle and eat the deep-fried Twinkie. Good Lord, is that ever delicious. Recently, a few friends and I had a long debate about what couldn't be deep-fried. The only thing we could come up with? Citrus. And even sweet-and-sour chicken has a citrus sauce, but I don't think a deep-fried orange would taste very good. I'm probably wrong. Everything's good deep-fried. Mmm. Deep-fried Twinkie. Mmm. Anyway, Jackson's dressed up in slaughterhouse finest, as well as a face-shield to keep himself from getting splattered in oil. The obnoxious party cheers like someone's doing a keg stand, and much to Sookie's dismay, begin a countdown as Jackson lowers the turkey into the oil. "He's shamelessly catering to his demographic," she moans. Once the turkey's in the vat, Sookie declares, "It's like a death in the family." Lorelai tells Sookie to look on the bright side: that this took her mind off the Inn. Sookie immediately worries that the turkey at the Inn might be deep-fried, or worse. Jackson walks over, bragging about how neat his turkey is and how it'll be done in forty minutes. Yesterday, when I went in to buy my turkey, the cashier tried to convince me to deep-fry the thing. Apparently, it costs a billion dollars to buy all the peanut oil needed to fry the thing correctly. I can't imagine how horribly messy I'd make my kitchen, not to mention the number of second-degree burns that would certainly cover my fingers. Also, I want my turkey to taste like turkey, and not fried chicken. Nor do I want that Ren Fairre experience in my home, with a big ol' turkey leg in my grip as I think about what I'm thankful for. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Lorelai hands Sookie a beer. Sookie asks her to keep them coming.
Luke's. Lorelai walks in and shouts a hello to everyone. Babette and Morey are there, enjoying Luke's fine food. Rory hands Luke a bundle of flowers, which begins the longest debate in this show's history. Luke explains he doesn't have a vase and Lorelai says that every year they go through this argument that he doesn't need a vase but he should have one because every year they bring him flowers on Thanksgiving, even though he asks them every year not to. Who's the rude one? I do believe it's Lorelai again. Luke points out their table and leaves to get the food.
Kirk's at the counter. He's scratched on over 60% of his body. It seems that CatKirk really doesn't get along well with HumanKirk. "I’m so mad at that cat," Babette warbles from the back of the room. "Very uncool cat," Morey adds. Babette says she loves cats, but she loves Kirk too, on about a fifty-fifty level. "And that's a high compliment, my friend," she tells Kirk. Kirk says he tried to play with CatKirk (who he now knows is male; he got a peek) by rolling a ball of yarn over to the cat. CatKirk pulled the string taut between his paws and tried to garrote him with it. Rory asks how the cat can do that without opposable thumbs. "He's beyond them," Kirk explains. "And he's smart. He knows things. Sometimes before they happen." When I first got my last cat, for six months he repeatedly tried to kill me. He'd run full force from one end of the house and leap onto my head, kicking at my back and skull. One time I woke up to find him on my chest, his front paws digging into my larynx. He was trying to suffocate me. Another time I woke up to him trying to jam his head into my mouth. Trying to choke me. I once saw him inch a digital alarm clock over towards my bathtub. He wanted me dead for a while, until the week I was home with bronchitis, and the two of us were passed out on a couch for more than twelve hours in a row at a time. He got used to me, and liked how I shared my soup. Now we're best friends. I swear. What do you mean this show isn't about me? Don't you care? Anyway, Kirk had to Minority Report himself naked in the bathtub to keep the cat from attacking, but unlike most cats who are afraid of water, CatKirk appears to gain even stronger powers from it. That's how HumanKirk got so scratched up. Lorelai says it's good that Kirk's giving CatKirk some space. She tells him to enjoy his food. I thought he lived with his mother, who wouldn't let him have a cat. What does Mrs. Kirk think about CatKirk?
Lorelai and Rory walk over to their table. Jess walks up and kisses Rory on the mouth -- awkwardly, since Rory hates kissing. Lorelai wishes Jess a happy Thanksgiving as he sits down. Luke brings the food to the table as Jess says he's starved. Luke says he could have eaten, but Jess says that Luke told him he wasn't allowed to eat until the girls got there. Lorelai says he didn't have to wait for them. Luke says he didn't, Jess says he did. You get the idea. Luke asks if they should give thanks first. "Thanks for what?" Jess asks. That you're still on this show? Luke says they should be thankful that they aren't Native Americans who had their land stolen and their tribes infected with smallpox. Lorelai gives an "Amen" to that. Luke tells the girls they can skip eating there if their day is too full. Lorelai tells Luke that he's the main event today. Rory compliments the yams. Lorelai -- who never lets Luke get a minute's worth of rest -- asks him if he has any more marshmallows. Luke and Jess both leave to get the immensely heavy marshmallow-and-coffee load.
Once they're alone, Lorelai leans in and tells Rory, "So, no offense? But lame-o kiss." Hee. Someone's been reading our boards. She says it's like a couple of chickens pecking at each other. Rory tells Lorelai to mind her own business. Lorelai says that Rory did it right in front of her, so she noticed. Rory says she's not good with public displays. "You didn't have that problem with Dean," Lorelai lies. Rory says she feels like everybody's watching her. Lorelai says they aren't. Rory says she doesn't know how this whole "second-boyfriend thing" is supposed to go. Lorelai -- who can't wait for Rory to be worried about the third-boyfriend thing -- tells Rory that she's going to have hundreds of boyfriends, if not at least three more, and it'll get easier. She reminds Rory that eventually CuteDean will start dating someone else, too. This seems to upset Rory. Babette and Morey stand up and announce that they're leaving to walk off some of that food. Babette has to deliver too many lines about where China's located, so they can walk to it. Then: "By the way, that was some half-assed kiss you two had." Ha. Very slow fade on Lorelai's pout to commercial, instead of on Babette walking out warbling the inappropriate comment and Rory's reaction.
Emily's. Lorelai tells Rory that this isn't going to be so bad, because it's the last time they have to see them until year. Lorelai says they're leaving in two hours exactly, and begins the countdown. Emily answers the door. They all exchange a "Happy Thanksgiving," and Lorelai counts down again. There's a piano player in some kind of piano room. "I found him at Nordstrom's," Emily says. Lorelai asks if he was on sale. Emily says she thought it'd be nice to have live music playing in the background. "He knows every song ever written," Emily boasts. "Freebird!" Lorelai shouts, and sadly the piano player doesn't launch into it to prove his merit. They leave the room.
Everyone has arrived for dinner. I guess Rory's just about forgiven Richard entirely, because there are no apologies, no conversation, no shared looks, nothing. Just a big hug. Great. Glad we went through all of that, then. Lorelai, however, is angry enough for all four of them. She keeps counting down. Richard reintroduces Natalie (from the auction, who called Emily "The Cobra"), and her husband Doesn'tMatter. They also have a couple in from France, Claude and Monique. Monique doesn't speak any English, which is always a good reason to come and celebrate Thanksgiving, isn't it? Claude is her translator. Richard speaks fluent French, it seems, and the three of them do a little Frenching as Richard introduces his fille and petite-fille. I know très petite French, so the closed-captioning looks like Monique and Claude are conversing about how she's pretending not to know any English.
Everyone sits. Claude asks Rory if she speaks any French. She admits that she speaks "tout petit peu." Oh. It's not trés petite? Lorelai admits that all she knows is "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, se soir?" Everyone blanches at Lorelai's rather stupid joke, since half the room hasn't heard of Lady Marmalade, so Monique has to explain in French what Lorelai means. Claude approves of Lorelai's very funny ways. Why are we meeting these people? Lorelai asks for a martini. Doesn'tMatter asks Claude if this is his first Thanksgiving. Claude says that it is -- that he's seen it in the movies and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, I'm sorry. This episode is like Thanksgiving dinner. Five minutes of excitement that it's started and then one long, sleepy fade until a blissful hibernation. Doesn'tMatter gets all patriotic, saying we have a lot to give thanks for in this country, unlike France, apparently. What's with the tone, DM? Getting a little superior on those guests. Claude's just happy to have Cuban cigars, French champagne, and gorgeous women every single day. Take that, USA. He thanks the room for the great company. Lorelai: "Douglas, Richard, leave us, won't you?" Richard is again confused, and Emily explains that it's another joke. Natalie tells Lorelai she has her mother's wit. "Sometimes I wish she'd give it back," Emily quips, wagging cigar missing. Rory mentions that this is their fourth dinner. Richard thanks Lorelai for fitting them in. Lorelai says he's the main event. She counts down again as she sips.
Natalie gives snooty compliments to Emily's table as they sit. Emily rings a bell, and everyone gasps as the turkey arrives on a platter, with two people carrying it. All of the rich people laugh and chuckle, gloriously happy in the wealth of their own riches and happiness and rich and rich and rich and isn't it all so divine, having so much food we couldn't possibly eat? Richard cuts a ceremonious piece of turkey before it's whisked away and they eat salads. Lorelai makes many, many jokes about how weird it was to ceremoniously carve the first piece of turkey, and is afraid her salad will be taken from her the second she bites a piece of lettuce. The word "ceremonial" is said like, seven times, as if it was supposed to get funny at some point. Claude says that Lorelai is like our Jerry Lewis. Bite your tongue, Claude. And write a better joke, Daniel. Or at least give Lorelai a comeback, like "Bite your tongue, Claude."
Natalie immediately starts prying into Rory's personal life, asking about college applications, needling and messing until Rory finally admits that she's applied to more schools than just Harvard. This is stunning news to Lorelai, who appears to be completely in the dark about how these things work, and how unrealistic it would be for Rory only to apply to one school, especially one that's so difficult to get into. Rory admits that she's applied to Princeton and Yale. This sends Lorelai fuming, since Yale means "My Dad Wins." Rory points out that if she went to Yale, she could live at home. Now Lorelai's convinced that "My Mom Wins." Emily and Richard swear they had nothing to do with this. So does Rory, but Lorelai doesn't believe any of it. She storms out of the room, constantly the center of attention, never a moment for manners or decorum, as Claude feverishly explains in French to Monique what's happening in the room. She's not Jerry Lewis; she's Jerry Springer. Oh, there's one bit here where Emily asks Claude what Orlando's like and he complains that there's too much Mickey Mouse, but I'm wondering if the only reason we're meeting these French people is because Emily and Richard are thinking of retiring in Florida soon. Emily leaves to cater to Lorelai's latest tantrum.
Lorelai's pouting outside. Emily says it's freezing, but Lorelai says it's Jamaica compared to inside. Really? You're the only one being icy, Lorelai. Emily tells her that Yale is just a backup. Lorelai says she doesn't want to talk about it. Emily asks if she believes that Emily and Richard had nothing to do with this. Lorelai begs for a second of peace, to think. Emily: "You can't even let Rory have one piece of our lives, even if it's her choice. You hate us that much." Lorelai doesn't object, so Emily goes inside.
Lane's house. MamaLane says goodbye to the last of the guests. Dave packs his guitar. Lane says it was nice of MamaLane only to charge half-price on the chair Jung Hee broke. MamaLane says she charged him cost, since she was in the holiday spirit. She hands Dave some food for the road, and an envelope with his pay in it. She says he did a good job and thanks him for his time. Dave thanks her and wishes her a Happy Thanksgiving. He leaves. MamaLane tells Lane to keep clearing the table, adding that she's going to start on the kitchen. Lane notices that Dave forgot his Bible, and says he's going to need it. She runs toward the door, but MamaLane stops her and demands to see the Bible. She opens it. It reads, "This Bible belongs to God, but it is being used by Dave Rygalski." She approves, and hands the book back to Lane, who runs out the door.
Lane runs along the side of her house and right into Dave, who admires her quiet running skills. She apologizes for everything. She says she didn't know he'd have to play for five hours straight. Dave says his hands are a little numb, but it's okay because how he's got really good Kurt Cobain calluses: "How cool is that?" Lane feels bad about the entire charade. He says it's fine, and that the flyer has brought in three other paying gigs, so he should be paying her commission. "Oh, that's not necessary," she says. Dave brags that MamaLane gave him twenty bucks. Lane says that she must have really liked him. He says they'll put it toward their first real date. Lane can't believe he still wants to date her after all this. To emphasize that he does, Dave leans in and kisses Lane as "The Man Who Sold the World" kicks in. Lane takes about three steps back, but keeps her mouth on his. He leaves, saying he's going to call her tomorrow. Lane stands still, trying to catch her breath. Now, maybe I've told y'all this before, but my first kiss with a boy was on Thanksgiving. I was in my garage and he asked if he could kiss me so that he could win five bucks from his friend. How's that for a line, huh? Anyway, he kissed me, and I ran into the house crying, upset that my first kiss was so some boy could have five bucks. My mom did her best to hide her laughter as I wept openly all day long.
Walking through Stars Hollow, Rory asks Lorelai if she's mad. Lorelai says she isn't. Rory says she seems mad, and asks Lorelai how she's feeling. Lorelai says her head knows that all of the colleges will be great and will make Rory a better person. But she wishes her head could stop the gnawing feeling in her gut that gets there every time her parents get involved with something. Rory tells Lorelai that it's going to be okay. "Nice try," Lorelai says. They keep walking and end up at Sookie's, where the white-trash party is still raging. They're making deep-fried cake. Sookie's totally drunk off margaritas, and she's kind of turned into Jiminy Glick. She tells them they've deep-fried everything, including a napkin. She says she's already gone through the five stages of grieving, two of which she can't remember, since they were served on the rocks with salt. She says she's not "enscotched" in acceptance. Rory offers her the word she's looking for: "ensconced." The ground is scorched around the fryer, because they set the lawn on fire, but Jackson's white-trash friends promised it'll grow back twice as lush. Sookie casually mentions that they also broke a bowl she brought back from Belgium. She asks if she's crying or laughing. "Laughing," Lorelai answers. "Good!" Sookie enthuses. Rory gets a page from Lane: "Bible Kiss Bible." She says she doesn't know what it means, but thinks it's a good band name. Lorelai says they have to go, but wants to know if Sookie's going to be okay. Sookie says she's Sookie. She promises to go to bed soon, as long as they haven't deep-fried it. As they leave, Lorelai hopes that Sookie won't remember anything about this night. The party cheers for "deep-fried shoe."
Luke's. Jess tells Luke he needs to get more trash cans. Luke likes dumping his trash in Taylor's cans. It's a win-win situation for him. Lorelai walks up. Luke says they're out of food. Lorelai says they aren't eating for a year. Rory amends it to "until tomorrow morning." Jess walks off to dump the trash bag. Luke invites Lorelai in, asking if he saw flames coming from Sookie's place. "Yeah, why?" Lorelai asks. Rory leaves to follow Jess.
Rory immediately attacks Jess with the softest, tongue-less-est, emotionless kiss. Then she says hello. Then she runs away. Now, I don't want you guys to think that I'm advocating teen sex. I didn't have sex until I was in college. But I did like to kiss boys. Kissing was fun. Fun! Best thing ever. I don't understand why Rory can't just kiss someone in a way that makes it seem like she enjoys kissing people. She's like a deer, pulling back and trembling, afraid of kissing, afraid of skin touching, worried that maybe she won't stop kissing someone if she lets herself enjoy it. It used to be cute when she was supposed to be two years younger and just learning how to kiss someone, but now it makes me uncomfortable, as if something bad happened to Rory that keeps her from being affectionate with people. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because this only happened so that this , totally lame-o scene can take place.
CuteDean's standing at the end of the street, fronting Jess, and trying to incite a fight out of him. He's all arms out, going, "What's the matter, Jess? Why you walkin' away?" Jess says the whole thing's a little too West Side Story for him, and he's not that good of a dancer. CuteDean won't stop with the eagle arms, asking Jess to mock his apron, or to call him a Boy Scout again. CuteDean wants Jess to fight, but Jess doesn't want to, because then Rory will think he started it. CuteDean gets three seasons' worth of lines here, but sadly, all of them are so stupid. Clichéd. Bad. Badly written lines. Here they are, in all their stinky glory: "So, Rory's got a nice little hold on you, now, huh? How does it feel?" Jess: "Feels like I'm with Rory and you're not." CuteDean: "You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I'd just stay out of everyone's way. That that would be easiest. But now, I'm lookin' atchoo and I'm thinkin', 'I'm gonna run from him? The Glad Man?'" Wow, that's worse than when he called Phillipppe "Dristan," you guys. Why can't they give Dean real lines that boys say? Why is he such a moron when he talks? "This is my town. I'm not hiding. And I don't have to be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot." LAME. ["Plus, Stars Hollow is 'his town'? He's lived there like twenty minutes longer than Jess has." -- Wing Chun] CuteDean walks away, wishing Jess a Happy Thanksgiving. Jess tosses his trash bag away.
Luke asks how the four dinners worked out. Lorelai says they aren't more stuffed than they were after the great Six Flags Hot Dog consumption of '99. Rory notes that their taffy binge of '97 was worse, as well. Lorelai says they didn't eat at her parents', so they only had three dinners and not four. Rory says this means they didn't have to skip the rolls. Lorelai asks Luke if he has any rolls. He just happens to have a Ziploc bag of rolls, and only one Ziploc bag and only rolls, sitting right behind him. He hands it over, amazed at their appetites. The girls leave.
Walking through Stars Hollow, Lorelai says for no real reason at all, "This has been a nice Thanksgiving." Rory agrees. Lorelai says it was nicer for some than others, though. The girls say goodnight to HumanKirk, who's sleeping in the gazebo.