Previously: Rory got into an accident when Jess drove her car. This caused Luke and Lorelai to get into a huge argument. Luke sent Jess back to New York. CuteDean appears to be very understanding about the entire thing. It's like we didn't even need last week's episode.
Rory and Lorelai are walking to their newest breakfast destination. Lorelai won't tell Rory exactly where they're going, and Rory moans that they've been walking for miles. Again I wonder just how early they get up in the morning to avoid pouring themselves bowls of cereal. Lorelai tells Rory that it's an "amazing" new mystery place that she just found. Well, get that "amazing" quotient out of the way very early, why don't you. Rory asks if it's in the town. Lorelai says they don't patronize the town since that town fed lead to Stars Hollow's jumping frog. Lane runs up and begs them to stop. "Oh, my God, it's Michael Landon," Lorelai says. I'm really not sure what that means. Is Lane running down a Highway To Heaven? Is that a Little House on the Prairie joke? Lane says she's been running after them for the past two blocks. Maybe she should have tried calling out their names. Rory says that Lorelai's hunch was right: they were being followed. Lorelai says that maybe time Rory'll believe her when Lorelai says the furniture moved on its own. Rory tells Lane that they're off to a mystery breakfast. "Out of town?" Lane asks. Lorelai moans that nobody ever remembers the definition of "mystery." Lane asks if she can practice drumming on Lorelai's pots and pans again this morning. When does Lane's school start? Look, I had to be at school at 7:35. I lived fifteen minutes away from the school with a five-minute walk from the parking lot, to my locker, to my first-period class. I woke up at 7:00. Usually I didn't go to sleep until 1 or 2 AM because I'd be up doing homework and talking to boys on the phone. It must be five in the morning when these girls get up. No wonder they need so much coffee. Lane says she's getting better at the drums, and soon she won't hit her face with the sticks so often. Lorelai tells Lane that the spare key is in the turtle, but by now everyone in Stars Hollow and all of us know exactly how to break into the Gilmore home if we have to. And I'm not giving spoilers because I don't read them, but I bet Jess knows exactly how to put his hand in Rory's turtle, if you know what I'm sayin'. Lorelai tells Rory that they don't have much further to go. Rory notes that they aren't headed towards any businesses. Lorelai stops and turns. She announces that they have arrived. Rory tells Lorelai, "You are without shame."
Rory and Lorelai are at Sookie's house. You'd think smart Rory would have figured that one out about half a block ago. Rory tells Sookie that she didn't have to do all of this. Sookie's just happy to cook, since it affords her the precious few screen minutes she gets. She says she loves feeding her girls and making them happy. I'm eating a frosted fake Pop-Tart this morning, which not only goes really well with Gilmore Girls but is exactly what I'd imagine Rory and Lorelai would have on mornings when Lorelai and Luke are giving each other the cold shoulder. And you know what? Some of my Pop-Tart burned in the toaster. I don't have any more fake Pop-Tarts. This is all I get. This is my lot in life. Burned fake Pop-Tarts as I furiously finish my Gilmore Girls recap because I was sick earlier after a horrible day of plumbers when my downstairs bathroom decided to run all water the wrong direction. But do you see me demanding that my friends get up hours early to fix food for my daughter and me? I'm sure Chilton has a breakfast hour, as well. Too bad Rory can't get to school on time since she no longer has a car of her own. Rory comments that she feels guilty. Lorelai tells her that eating drowns the guilt. Lorelai asks what's wrong with "Narcoleptic Nate." It's Jackson, asleep on his hand, exhausted from having to get up early to entertain his fiancée's needy friends. All Jackson can do is make a moaning noise. Sookie says that Jackson isn't a morning person. Jackson moans again. Sookie says it takes about an hour for Jackson to become Jackson. Lorelai says it sounds like Jackson's suffering from some indigestion. Lorelai says she has an idea about the wedding. Instead of tiny wrapped Jordan Almonds at every place setting (I've never heard of such a custom), she suggests tiny packages of aspirin for the morning-after hangover. Sookie laughs and says it's funny. "'Cause Jordan Almonds are sodone," Lorelai says. Hey, Lorelai, why don't you plan your own wedding? Oh, you already did it but we didn't see any of it and then you dropped it at the last minute? I keep forgetting. Lorelai asks Jackson if he's into the aspirin idea. Jackson only moans. She asks if that's a yes. Sookie says that everything takes time to register with Jackson, and that he'll finally chime in his opinion in a few days. My favorite line of the episode goes to Lorelai only three minutes in: "Hey, is Jackson in the house? Lemme hear ya say, 'Unnnh!'" Jackson moans in reply. Lorelai is happy about her new toy. Rory half-scolds her mother yet again, and we go to opening credits.
Since Lorelai hasn't discussed her business class in about a year, she's suddenly cramming for finals. You know, the class that used to be on Wednesday nights, but as of last week is now on Saturdays? Now she has multiple classes and is getting a degree. They didn't tell us these things before. Lorelai moans that her head is now full and she can't study anymore. She compares her brain to Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. Rory tells Lorelai to close her eyes and take a break. Rory is wearing the ugliest shirt I've ever seen. It makes her look four months pregnant. Lorelai says that if she clears her head, she'll erase all the work she's done stuffing it full of facts she hasn't bothered to learn in the two years she's been taking one class a week. Lorelai says she's glad she's graduating because all of this school and learning has taught her that she despises academics. Rory gives a little "learning is fun" PSA and adds that since she's a minor, she's got no choice but to learn every day. Lorelai moans that she did this to herself, that she's a masochist. I can hear the plumbers downstairs and I think they just unclogged whatever was messing up the entire downstairs line. The sound of that snake and the water jerking around pulling sewage out of my shower is making me regret eating fake Pop-Tarts. Ugh. But yet, I still must recap! Yes! Through sickness and in health. Rory says that diploma on the wall will make this all worth it. Lorelai: "I guess. Unless I turn into John Nash and start drooling on people." Is she thinking of Awakenings?
Rory suddenly realizes that there's going to be a graduation ceremony. Lorelai tries to blow it off, saying it's no big deal and that there might be a ceremony but it's nothing. Rory says that it's totally not nothing and that everyone should go to Lorelai's graduation ceremony. By the way, Rory's wearing CuteDean's bracelet, for those of you keeping score. Lorelai says that the only reason she didn't have a graduation ceremony before in her life was that her stupid conservative high school wouldn't let her breast-feed onstage. Rory says that Lorelai has earned this ceremony and that deep down she wants to do this. Lorelai admits that she has always wanted to wear one of those gowns and the hat with the tassel, since she loves fringe. Rory says they'll call out Lorelai's name and people will clap and there's a diploma. Lorelai adds that she'll get to move the tassel from one side to the other, which is very dramatic. Rory decides it's official, and that Lorelai's going to her graduation ceremony. She asks who Lorelai wants to invite. Lorelai says she doesn't need anyone there other than Rory. But Rory mentions Sookie and Jackson. Lorelai says that'd be fun. Rory asks about Richard and Emily. Lorelai says the word "no" several times. She says that her parents wouldn't want to be there. She was supposed to graduate from high school, go to Vassar, marry a Yale man and get a proper nickname like "Babe" or "Bunny" or "Shih tzu." But instead she got pregnant, didn't finish high school, didn't marry Christopher, and ended up in a job that "Jessica Hahn would think was beneath her." Hey. My mom had your job, lady. You calm down. Lorelai says she humiliated the two proudest people in the world by spoiling their plans. Oh, my God, she's still going on. You all get it, right? She broke their hearts and she thinks they'll never forgive her. She's still going on about this. Still. I'm typing and she's still talking about it. Like we didn't know this entire paragraph after the second episode of this show's existence. Rory says that Lorelai might be wrong, since it was a long time ago. Did Rory just get here? Because I think we've been down this road many, many times before. Lorelai says she doesn't want her parents to go to the graduation ceremony, because it would just hurt all of them. Well, that's it. Rory's going to have to directly disobey her mother's orders. Rory tells Lorelai to get back to studying. Lorelai moans that she's already forgotten everything she read in the last few hours. She says she may have forgotten everything she's ever known. She grabs Rory's bad arm and asks, "Child? What be your name?" Rory tells her to study. Lorelai pouts. Oh, man. That scene was long.
Some random area of Stars Hollow. Lorelai and Rory are asking CuteDean to explain the concept of skeet shooting to them one more time. Every time he tries to talk, one of the girls interrupts him with some "cute" question or comment. Poor CuteDean can't even really get a word in edgewise, and it's really hard for me to believe that these two women can't get down the concept of shooting at clay pigeons. Also? Time to change Rory's pants. Since I have the same pair, I notice when she's wearing them. I think she's worn them every episode for the past month or so. Rory and Lorelai can't stop asking if the clay pigeons are in pain when they get shot, and do they bleed and does it count as hunting if maybe they accidentally shoot something that's not made of clay, or if the shattered clay parts hit an actual pigeon. CuteDean says this is something that his father did at his age and he wants to pass the tradition down. He notes that he's only gone skeet shooting once, but that he's starting never to want to do it again because of these women. Lorelai asks if you advance to clay rhinos and tigers if you're really good at shooting the pigeons. CuteDean says he made it all up and that he's never been skeet shooting. Lorelai awkwardly detaches herself from Rory and CuteDean, saying that she suddenly needs to go into the market and that she'll catch up with them later. We watch Rory and CuteDean walk back to the house as Rory asks him would it count if he accidentally shot the person who threw the clay pigeon.
Market. Lorelai grabs a loaf of bread. She pointedly keeps her head down so that it could be even slightly feasible that she just happens to run into Luke at the end of this aisle, when they totally would have seen each other in the small market the second Lorelai entered. In case you're also keeping score on the plumbing problem, they've put a camera on a snake down the toilet (which they had to remove -- the toilet, not the camera) and they can see under the house in the pipes. Apparently there's not only a piece of metal down there, there's also some roots. I'm now relieved because I know this is totally not my fault. I was worried they'd snake everything and then find a large cat toy lodged in there that my fattest cat somehow figured out how to flush. I can hear the very unhappy cats in the other room begging to be released. I know you care about all of this. And yet, I'm still recapping. To the untrained eye (i.e., anyone except the people that actually live in this apartment), it looks like I'm such a lazy woman that I surf the web while I periodically watch the same piece of television over and over again. What I do for a living looks like laziness to anybody not in my immediate circle. And even some of them? They kind of think what I do is easy and lazy. Back to the show, which isn't about me even though I make it kind of be about me all the time. Luke and Lorelai politely try to ignore each other, apologizing for having to see each other. Lorelai asks how the diner's going. Luke says it's still there. I'm surprised, since I was pretty sure it was Lorelai keeping it in business. Lorelai says she could tell that it was still there, since she hasn't lost her eyesight. Behind Luke's head are some very tasty ginger-lemon drinks. Get one if you can. I love them. Lorelai tries to talk to Luke and make up with him, but he cuts her off and says he has to get back to the store. So much for that friendship, right? Ooh, those pesky season-finale cliffhangers!
Rory has gone to visit Emily and Richard in the middle of the day? Maybe after school? Oh, who knows. Rory's in her school uniform, though. Rory thanks Emily for seeing her on such short notice. Emily hugs her and says she's thrilled to see Rory on no notice. My, Emily's rather boisterous this visit. Maybe Emily's picking up a drug habit. This entire scene is acted very strangely. Emily's all happy and asking these questions like she's drunk, and Rory's all quiet and mumbly.
Emily has set the dining-room table for an English High Tea. I've never seen one before, but there's tons of food involved. Emily says that this is one of the advantages to their having an English maid. Emily adds that she also appreciates that the maid actually speaks English. You know what, Emily? It doesn't take a linguist to know that the reason you lose maids isn't because of their native tongue; it's because of your bitchy one. Rory says that Emily didn't have to do this. Emily starts explaining that this is what you should do at tea time (so I guess it's the day, after school), but she interrupts herself to yell at the new maid for not putting doilies on the plates. The new maid, Beatrice, immediately comes out to drop doilies.
Richard enters, out of breath, to join them. He says he ran from the office because he knew whatever Rory's going to say must be important if she's asked them to get together with her like this. Where's Richard's office that he can run home? This house is in the middle of nowhere. They sit at the table on Emily's request. Emily tells Beatrice to pour the tea. Rory asks Beatrice to hold off on pouring the tea just for a few moments. Rory tells Richard and Emily that she'd like to propose an idea that they don't necessarily have to go for, but she only asks that they hear her out entirely before they say anything. She makes them promise not to get upset. Emily tells Richard that Rory's been hanging around him far too much. Richard says that he and Emily accept Rory's terms and that they'd like her to proceed. Rory tells them that Lorelai doesn't know Rory's there, and that if she did find out, she'd probably be pretty upset. Rory adds that she feels this is important enough to justify disobeying her mom. She tells them that Lorelai's been going to the business college for three years now, and she's graduating this Thursday, when there's going to be a ceremony. She says it would mean a lot to Lorelai if Emily and Richard came. "It might not seem like it would, but it's true," Rory says. Emily asks why Lorelai didn't invite them herself. Rory tells them that Lorelai thinks they wouldn't want to go. Rory says she understands, but she also knows the potential consequences. Rory tells this long story about how she once had a school pageant and she thought that Lorelai wouldn't want to go so she didn't invite her, and later at the pageant she hated being there because it meant nothing without Lorelai being there. The only problem with this little story is that Lorelai wouldn't have missed a kindergarten pageant in a million years, particularly one where Rory was playing a broccoli and tapdancing. Rory says that she doesn't want to upset them or make them uncomfortable, and that she only wants them to go under the right circumstances. She hands them the tickets and tells them it's Thursday night at 7:30, and that it'll be inside, so weather isn't an issue. I love that they are trying to make us believe there are tickets to the indoor graduation ceremony for a business community college. On a Thursday. Rory tells Emily and Richard that it's up to them if they want to use the tickets, but that she'd really like it if they didn't mention anything to Lorelai about this conversation. These scenes are so long! She thanks them for their time and patience. She says she believes she has time for a scone before her bus leaves. For home? What bus? Ugh. Emily and Richard share a look. Emily calls to Beatrice for the tea. Rory then calls Emily by her first name, and then she calls Richard by his first name! Never. That would never happen. Ever.
The B-52's are playing, giving me a great shout-out, since I'm going to see them perform in exactly one month. Yay! Hi! I'm Pamie, and I am an Aries. I love Radiohead and Hello Kitty merchandise! Anyway, Lorelai's getting drunk on "marga-ma-ritas," as my friend with whom I'm seeing the B-52's is fond of saying. "52 Girls" plays as Lorelai celebrates the end of her finals. So, it's Tuesday? Wednesday? Lorelai moans that she had so much pressure on her last week, it felt like a giant man and his brother were sitting on her chest. Rory -- whose own studies are now being sacrificed due to Kate Pierson and Rory's boozy mother -- listens and sympathizes patiently. Lorelai named the men on her chest "Clem" and "Clem." Then there's this thing about how many mothers Clem and Clem had even though they were brothers. Just forget it. It'll make your life easier. And mine just got easier as well. The plumbers have left. We're sort of not supposed to use the downstairs bathroom very much now. I'm not really sure how that's a solved problem, either. Lorelai celebrates needing more booze. Rory's flipping through a "life plan" book that the community college gave Lorelai upon graduating. Rory reads one of the questions aloud; asking Lorelai how she figures children will fit into her future plans. Lorelai says that kids aren't getting in her way. She's knocking them out and giving them to a nanny to take care of. Rory asks what's going to happen to her. Lorelai says that Rory is her favorite eldest child and will accompany her through life. Rory says she feels privileged. The phone rings, and Rory answers. It's Jess, just saying "Hey" from a pay phone. Is he homeless? A pay phone in New York in the middle of the night? Rory stammers a bit and then tells Lorelai she's going to take the phone call in her room because the music's too loud. But Rory, the song's almost over!
Rory closes her bedroom door and says hello. Jess tells her that she's already said that. Rory says he's right and apologizes. They make small talk as "Dance This Mess Around" starts up faintly in the background. I love that they're just letting the album play on back there. Jess tells Rory that he's mostly just hanging out in a park these days, which sounds to me like he's a homeless hustler. ["Pulling down a cool $11 a day for his 'talents,' no doubt." -- Wing Chun] Jess says that Washington Square Park is really cool, though, and that it's totally where you want to hang out. It's where David Lee Roth got busted. Rory says she hopes David's gotten things back together by now. Jess says it sounds like there's a party going on at Rory's house. The very quiet strains of B-52's through a closed door and he thinks there's a party? Rory says there's no party. Jess says he has to go, since this is long distance. Um, aren't you using a calling card or something? Rory reminds us that this is long distance. Jess says he'll see her. "Yeah, see ya," Rory says. They hang up without saying "goodbye." Rory lies down in her bed and I finally get a commercial break. Finally. Finally!
Morning. Lorelai makes a stressed noise and tells Rory that she's experiencing frustration. She can't figure out what she should wear to a graduation. Rory says it doesn't matter, since Lorelai's going to be wearing a gown. Lorelai knows it's more complicated than that, since she doesn't want to be too cold or hot before, during, or after the gown thing. Rory picks out the perfect outfit for Lorelai. What will Lorelai do when Rory goes off to college? She's incapable of feeding or dressing herself. I've also got this zit at the end of my nose and it's making me very sad. My mother's coming to visit in three days and I have a zit on the end of my nose, my toilet barely works, I've got no food in the house, and there may or may not be visitors coming to spend the night tonight. I'm supposed to have bought some kind of spare bed/futon by now, but with this plumbing problem and the fact that I'm kind of sick, I've been stuck here in my living room watching to make sure my cats don't run away from home. This is not my beautiful life. Back to the show, the thing I'm supposed to be recapping. Lorelai asks Rory what time she's getting to the ceremony. Rory says she has lots of newspaper stuff after school, but that she won't be there any later than 6 PM. Rory says that Lorelai also should pick out where she wants to eat afterwards and that it'll be Rory's treat. How does Rory make any money? ["Doesn't she work at the Inn sometimes?" -- Wing Chun] They both say they need to go, but Rory wants to see her graduate one more time before the ceremony. Lorelai asks whether she looks like she'll do okay in the world. Rory reminds her that if it doesn't work out with Lorelai's degree, she can always marry rich. Lorelai beams and says she loves that they have that option. Rory asks what Lorelai's going to do with her hair. Lorelai says she's planning on curling it. Rory tells her that she won't be able to wear her cap, then, without smooshing the curls. Lorelai thanks her daughter again for thinking of everything.
Paris is telling Rory about her latest verbal spat with her advisor. This one's about whom she's going to take AP Calculus from. She doesn't want the instructor who went to Berkeley, since he's obviously minored in Bean Sprouts. All I know, Paris, is that if you feel that you're only kind of grasping Calculus even though you're making a pretty good grade in the class, you need to take the AB and not the BC test. I begged my teacher to let me take the AB instead of the BC and he wouldn't let me as he had this Stand and Deliver complex about it. I failed the BC. I would have made a 5 on the AB, I just know it. At least a 4. Anyway, Paris saw this half-eaten banana in her advisor's trash can, and seeing the solitude and depressing nature of her advisor's life really put things into perspective. Rory isn't really listening to anything Paris is saying. Paris felt sorry for her advisor, almost. But since she questioned Paris's judgment, Paris had no choice but to "eviscerate" the advisor. Paris says that her advisor was welling up at the end of their meeting, but had the decency to wait until Paris was gone before she started bawling. Paris says she has enough teacher recommendations from student council that she doesn't need her anyway. Rory stops walking. Paris walks away. Rory looks to the side as "Sneaky Teen! Good Girl Gone Bad!" music starts playing. You can tell it by the maracas. Rory walks away from campus, and not one instructor or headmaster stops her from leaving. We had security guards posted at every door and you couldn't leave the lunchroom without a pass. Man! My cat just scratched my neck and put a hole in my new t-shirt. Why does this day have to suck so hard? Why can't I just recap? Why? Why?!
Independence Inn. Sookie enters the kitchen and checks to make sure Lorelai's eyes are closed. In all of her spare time, Sookie has made a graduation cake for Lorelai, shaped like a mortarboard. Man, I can't believe this new shirt is ruined. It's a black t-shirt with a gray star. Man. I'm so pissed off. The cake is filled with two pounds of crushed chocolate espresso beans. Wow. Sookie is a much better friend than Lorelai deserves. Sookie tells Lorelai she brought her own high-school graduation pictures that Lorelai wanted to see. She makes Lorelai promise not to laugh when she sees them. Lorelai promises. Then she laughs. "You're stoned!" Lorelai says. "Totally," Sookie smiles. So much for the Family Friendly Forum. Lorelai laughs and says she thought Sookie hated pot. Sookie says that there was so much peer pressure that if Gilbert Garcia offered you a toke, you had to take it. She says she was nauseous all day. Lorelai finds the picture of Sookie standing with her parents. Sookie says it's a traditional "parents flanking the graduate" shot. Michel asks what they're looking at. Lorelai tells him, and then asks what his graduation was like. "It was dignified, as much French ceremonies are. Poetry was read, a string quartet played. A ballerina performed." Lorelai asked if he drank Boone's Farm and knocked a beach ball around. Michel says he doesn't understand a word of what Lorelai just said. "That's why we work," Lorelai says. Her phone rings.
It's Christopher. Lorelai's happy and excited about her big day. Suddenly everyone knows about this day. Christopher has sent Lorelai a present. Lorelai asks if something came for her. Michel says that the basket was very heavy and gave him a twinge, so he dropped it in the lobby. Lorelai tells Christopher that she's got a "crack staff," right in front of Sookie, who is still cutting the cake she made for Lorelai. You know, the cake that Lorelai just completely abandoned for her baby's daddy. Christopher says he put the basket together himself. Lorelai sits down to sift through the basket (which would have cost a pretty penny). There's a $25 savings bond, a youth hostel card, What Color Is Your Parachute?, a DVD of The Graduate, The Portable Nietzsche, an application to join the armed forces, and something in a tiny velvet box. Okay, before she got to the necklace, I was pretty pissed off. This guy is the reason she doesn't have a diploma. And he's got one and he's all Mr. Moneybags running around the country not paying child support while Lorelai had to give up any kind of dream to raise a kid. I wish the basket was filled with the money he owes her instead of some crap necklace that she can't stop gushing over. Lorelai can't believe how incredible Christopher is for giving her a pearl necklace. I'm giggling that he gave her a pearl necklace because I'm usually a thirteen-year-old boy. ["And you've been watching too much of that other show you recap." -- Wing Chun] Christopher is also a thirteen-year-old boy, because he then says, "I think you're awesome, Lor." Way cool, dude. He says he really admires what she did, taking all of his responsibilities and letting him have a life where he can pretend he doesn't have a kid while she lived in a shack at an inn trying to raise a kid when she wasn't even twenty. Oh, did he not say that? My bad. He was supposed to. Once again, Christopher can't even show up for this, so he tells Lorelai to take lots of pictures for him. Lorelai can't, since she doesn't have a camera. He tells her to check the basket. There's a disposable tucked in there. Lorelai, check to see if there's your past seventeen years tucked in there, too. See if he's left you some cash or a down payment on your own inn or something. No? Well then take that pearl necklace to the Stars Hollow Pawn Shop and see how much Kirk will give you for it. Oh, and Christopher's totally broken up with Sherri by now. Still no mention of her and he's buying jewelry for another woman? Yeah, he's single.
Bus station. Rory, still in her uniform, exits the bus. It's dark and noisy so we know we're in "New York." Then there's this giant sign that reads "Port Authority Bus Terminal" as three people walk by so we know that Rory's in "New York." Rory tries to get directions from the clean-cut, nicely tanned "New Yorkers," but you know how those pesky New York people just hate helping a tourist. They just elbow and shoulder right by the poor little lost girl standing in "New York." Rory wants to know how to get to Washington Square Park. I love how "New York" makes Rory so dumb that she can't find a map or figure anything out in advance anymore. There's this kid behind her pulling a cigarette out of his cigarette holder. He's got greased-back hair and he wears sunglasses. "End of Fifth," one woman says over her shoulder to Rory. Rory thanks her. She tries to ask another tall man who walks while reading a book where she can find Fifth.
Luckily there's only one park bench in all of Washington Square Park, and on that bench you'll find a very clean Jess reading a book. You won't find any homeless people, either. This is "New New York," where apparently everyone wears shirts in a shade of blue. There is a sign behind Jess's shoulder that reads "Washington Square Park" in case there was any confusion. The strummy-strummy-la-la music starts up as Rory walks right over to Jess, even though his back is turned and his head is down. She knows that smarmy slump anywhere. "Hi," she says. Jess isn't even slightly surprised. He says hello. They make small talk to the effect that they're both doing well. He asks if she's hungry. "Starved," she says. He says he knows a place. They leave the 5x5 confines of the brilliantly manicured lawn known as Washington Square Park. When you go to visit, don't forget your blue shirt. It appears to be some kind of law.
Rory and Jess walk through "New York." You can tell because the streets are mostly empty except for the one cab. I think they even have smoke coming up from the manholes. Rory says she's feeling very urban today. Jess makes fun of her plaid. Rory brags that she's been to Manhattan before. She saw The Bangles there. Yeah, that was a night of a thousand laughs. Rory says the show was great, but I remember that Rory saw not one minute of that concert, so I don't know why she's not bragging that she was slumming at a crack house instead. What's with the calliope music in the background? More extras in blue shirts pass as Rory talks about the time they were yelled at in several different languages because Lorelai was driving poorly in Manhattan. Those crazy Manhattan drivers, with how they like to drive everywhere. Jess teases Rory for calling it "The Big Apple" as some guy in a blue ski cap carefully lowers a bag of trash near a cardboard box. Seriously, everyone's wearing a shade of blue. Even the cars are blue. The windowsills are painted blue. Rory's cast is blue. What's the deal? Rory brags about the time she gave a withering stare to a guy who cut her off. Jess says he'd love to see Rory's withering stare, but she suddenly gets all shy about it. She says it's dangerous and she could hurt him with it. Jess says he's disappointed. He asks how her arm's doing. She says it looks worse than it is. Jess compliments Rory's Emily sticker and they do a tiny Emily commercial. There's a blue light shining on Rory and you can see that her hair looks blue in the light. Suddenly there's a woman in a red shirt with red hair walking behind them. It's very distracting.
Jess has brought Rory to a hot-dog stand. Oh, how romantic! Rory says it's perfect. Jess orders one with everything on it. Rory asks to make that two. She doesn't make any move to pay for it though, I see. Jess kind of asks if Luke's okay, and Rory kind of tells him that Luke had gone fishing for a stretch. They don't really talk about fishing or Luke. Seven blue shirts walk around them. But see, even though Rory is in blue? Jess is in red. Actually, it would be red except for all the blue light, so he's really in this muted purple. I hope we all get that subtext. He's holding a blue jacket, though, as the guy in the blue shirt and blue apron hands Jess two hot dogs. Rory takes a bite and says it's really good. Rory and Jess just wander across the street, not even looking at the cabbies that are honking at them off-camera. It's such a safe place to cross the street, Manhattan. Don't even need a crosswalk. Jess asks how much time Rory has. Rory says she's got "a bit." He says he'd like to take her to a record store run by this walking encyclopedia guy. "The place is right outta High Fidelity," he says. Rory says, "Let's go." They walk toward the sign that simply reads "Subway." Rory asks why they have to take the subway. Jess says the place is fifteen blocks away. Wow, I think that's being a real pussy, isn't it? All my "New York" friends tell me they walk, like, a bazillion blocks a day. They also like to brag that they can put all of their belongings in a small shoebox, so I don't really know what to believe. Rory asks if they can take hot dogs into the subway and Jess teases her for being an out-of-towner. The song in the background sings that we're in New York City, just in case there was any confusion.
Graduation ceremony set-up. This thing apparently takes all day long. Good thing Lorelai doesn't have a real job. She shows up and sees the sign telling her where to check in.
At the check-in room, Lorelai notices that it's dark. But then it's not dark once you enter the room. There's the guy from The Family Guy standing behind a pile of boxes. He tells Lorelai that she's hours early. She laughs and says she wanted to beat traffic and have time to get ready and relax. She also thought that she might be able to get an unwrinkled, stainless gown this way. Traffic into what town? Aren't the inn and the business school all in Hartford where Emily and Richard live? ["Woman, for the last time, the Independence Inn is in Stars Hollow." -- Wing Chun] The Family Guy tells Lorelai to take her pick of gowns. She beams about how excited she is. She asks if he's excited. He answers that this is his eighth year of doing this. She realizes he might not be as excited. She searches gowns until she hears someone walk by. She looks up. She's pretty sure she just saw Emily walk by. Lorelai stops to ponder the possibility of Emily walking by. She can't just let it go, so she leaves to go investigate.
Of course it's Emily. She's brought a cameraman with her. The guy's got a ton of equipment. Emily's asking if he needs a power source. The guy doesn't think so. Lorelai asks what Emily's doing there and how she knows about this. Emily asks why she shouldn't know about this. She introduces Lorelai to Raul, the videographer. Emily says that Richard will be there later. Lorelai realizes that Rory must have told them. Emily asks if it's okay. Lorelai says she's just surprised. She asks Raul who he is. He says he's Raul. Emily says she just introduced them. Lorelai asks if Rory invited Raul. Emily says that Raul is the cameraman who's going to film the ceremony. She tells Lorelai how Raul showed her his independent film, Welcome to Scabland, as an audition. "It was disgusting but beautifully photographed," Emily tells her. Another out-of-character moment, but I don't really care. Raul says it was supposed to be disgusting. Family Guy tells Emily that all of this equipment can't be in the tiny graduation hall. Emily says they're not going to leave all of it there. Lorelai promises that Emily is handling it. "Okay, this lighting sucks," Raul bitches. Emily asks if they can do something about the lighting. Family Guy says he's pretty sure they can't. Emily tells Raul, "It's a community college. We'll just have to cope." Lorelai begs Emily to keep things under control. Emily promises. Lorelai says she's going to go relax and get coffee and not deal with any of this. Emily tells her that she's not needed in there and that she should be getting coffee and relaxing. Lorelai starts to leave as Emily asks if she plans on redoing her makeup before the ceremony. Lorelai says she'll have an Irish coffee.
Record Store. The Pixies' "Monkey Gone To Heaven" starts playing. I'm so happy when Kim Deal makes a nickel, I don't even care. And all of you who are just now hearing the strains of The Pixies for the first time? Run out and get yourselves a copy of Doolittle. Do not wait until college like I did when it's way too late. I actually first heard The Pixies through this song. This older guy (I think he was a senior) took my freshman ass out my first week of school and played this song in his apartment (he had his own apartment! A loft!) and explained to me how this was the greatest song of all time. Later in his bed I told him I was a virgin. He got scared and decided to just suck my toes instead. I tell you people way too much. And maybe every time you hear this song from now on, you'll think about how I had a much older boy suck my toes after hearing this song for the first time in my life. And I'm okay with that. Because it's a great song. And toe-sucking rules. Anyway. The show. Recap. Jess complains that he hasn't heard of half of these bands. Okay. Rory says that's what she loves about this place. Jess pulls a record out and asks who Slint is. The Lou Reed-looking owner tells Jess that they're a grunge band out of Kentucky. Jess thanks him. Rory goes back to the records. She finds a signed Go-Go's album. She says that this was her mom's favorite album when she was Rory's age. And it's signed by Belinda. She says this'll make the perfect graduation present. Yes -- shouldn't you be getting along by now, Rory? What with your mom's graduation. And I'm assuming that if Rory missed a newspaper meeting, Paris would have marched down to Stars Hollow immediately, calling Lorelai's cell phone and demanding to speak with Slacker Rory immediately. Jess has somehow not heard that Lorelai's graduating today, or that she was going to "college." He says he has a hard time believing Lorelai has time for anything other than lighting darts on fire and throwing them at his head. Oh, boo hoo, Jess. Go buy Rory another car before you get to bitch about how Lorelai treats you. And I believe you still owe her a beer. Oh, man. Extra with Extra Large Pink Mohawk takes his spot behind Jess and Rory so we know how cool and punk this place is in "New York." Rory thanks Jess for taking her to the record shop. "This was fate," she says. Maybe you should call Lane and ask if there's anything she's been dying to find. No? Oh, sorry to bother you in the middle of your selfish time. Go back to ruining your life. Rory promises to show Jess her withering stare to repay him for such a wonderful, fabulous, incredible, pleasejustkisshimalready.
Rory finds her bus. Jess is walking her to the door. Some guy stops Rory and asks her the way to 44th. Rory points him in a direction. After he leaves, she brags that she was mistaken for a local. Jess, of course, points out that Rory sent the guy the wrong way. Rory is about to go back and tell him the correct directions, but Jess says the guy will probably figure it out when the streets are going in the wrong number. Jess is very cool and leans against the bus all cool. Rory says she has to go. She says she has to go to the graduation. She stalls long enough to make sure he's not going to kiss her and then gets on the bus. She watches him through the window as she finds her seat. "Why did you come here?" he asks her. She opens the window to hear him better. He asks her again. "Because you didn't say goodbye," she says. The strummy-strummy-la-la music starts up again as Jess says goodbye to Rory. She says goodbye and he takes off. He takes off? He doesn't even stay to watch her bus leave? What a dick. Oh, man. A sailor just got on the bus. Can I have all my clichéd actors make a single line onto the bus, please?
Lorelai applies makeup while looking into a tiny mirror. She sneezes and makeup goes flying. "Great, I'm Woody Allen in Annie Hall," she says. A pot and a coke reference in the same episode? What's going on? Some girl walks up to Lorelai and calls her "smart" for thinking ahead long enough to bring a mirror and lip gloss. She's a genius; that's why she's graduating. Lorelai lends the mirror to the girl. The girl complains that she looks like hell because she ran here straight from work at Kinko's. "Hey, Liza," some guy behind her says. "That gets me thinking. Maybe you and I oughta do a little 'reproducing' after the ceremony." Liza says, "Clever." The guy says, "Don't be a snot." "Shut up," Liza says. She explains to Lorelai that he's her boyfriend. His name's Zack. These two will never get funnier. Liza says they're breaking up because they're transferring to different schools. Uh, no. You're graduating. Therefore, you aren't transferring. She admits that she'll miss the community college. Zack says he won't miss it. "It's bush league," he says. He complains that his parents messed up their investments and lost the money they were supposed to give him for college. By the way, Zack is, like, thirty-seven. Liza has a deviated septum and whines that it might have been his "two point zilch" GPA that landed him in the community college pool. They bicker in fourth-grade clichés. Lorelai asks if they want to give it another go, since they're darling together. Liza thanks Lorelai for the mirror. She says that a bunch of them are going to Shakeys afterwards for pizza. She invites Lorelai along. Uh, I've never been to a Shakeys, but the ones around here are the scariest pizza joints I've ever seen. With free margaritas on Tuesdays. Lorelai says she's going out with her daughter afterward, but that it sounds like Liza will have fun. Liza is disappointed for some reason, having made the fastest friend in the world. Zack comes back in and bitches about the "blue blooded rich woman" out there setting up professional film equipment. I don't understand why Lorelai is mortified and isn't sticking up for herself and her family in front of these snotty assholes. Instead she's all, "Rich people suck" and "I hate those people." Why would she want to be friends with these dicks? Zack and Liza bitch about how much they hate people with money. They want to kill money people. Just three seconds ago, Zack was complaining that his rich parents couldn't afford his school once the invested unwisely. So, isn't Zack a rich person? Forget it. This storyline blows.
Rory is impatiently waiting for her bus to take off, since it's now dark outside and Lorelai's just about ready to walk. Rory asks the bus driver what's going on. The driver says he has no idea when they're leaving. There's an accident and they've closed the interstate. No outbound buses are allowed to leave. What? This isn't the airport. Do they do that? He says he hopes they'll leave soon, since he hates missing dinner. "Yeah, me too," Rory mopes, and goes back to her seat.
Sookie and Jackson come back to the changing room to see Lorelai. Wouldn't Lorelai be suspicious about Rory at this point? Sookie tells Lorelai that she looks like the Statue of Liberty. "All big and stony?" Sookie says no, skipping the joke about how she was the one all big and stony at her own graduation. I bet the joke just got cut; otherwise there's no reason for all this set-up. But then if the punch line was cut, I wish they'd cut the set-up as well. Lorelai compliments Jackson on how nice he looks. Jackson is very impressed with himself as well. Sookie tries to bring up Emily's antics, but Lorelai doesn't want to talk about Emily in front of her new best friends that hate her. She asks Sookie and Jackson to keep an eye on Richard and Emily. That's Lorelai, always making Sookie do something for her. Shouldn't that be Rory's job? Lorelai says that her parents are only here because Rory asked them. Zack and Liza fight at the doorway, but I refuse to recap them because it sucks. Lorelai tells Sookie that they're in love, and Sookie says it's obvious. Zack bitches about the sound guy in addition to the cameraman. "It's like a Baz Luhrmann" movie out there. No, then there'd be total chaos with a crappy storyline that nobody can follow because there's too much music and noise and flashy-flashy. This goes on for a while as Lorelai lowers herself and her family for Liza and Zack, who are worse than Bootsy and the Troubadour.
The jig is up when a woman walks in carrying a box of corsages and asks Lorelai to pick her favorite. Lorelai doesn't want to wear a corsage, but the woman insists that Lorelai pick one since Emily paid for all of them. She threatens to send Emily back there if Lorelai doesn't pick one. Lorelai picks one. Corsage Lady tells Lorelai that the cameraman said that one would look the best on film. Liza and Zack realize she's the rich girl. Lorelai says she's not rich, but her parents are. She says she takes nothing from them but the corsage and her daughter's tuition. She asks if Zack and Liza are going to stone her. Zack says he should have guessed, since Lorelai's friends are dressed like Hollywood hot shots. Liza deadpans, "So that's why you didn't want to get pizza? 'Cause it's below you?" Why do these two get so much screen time? Lorelai says that pizza is one of her four major food groups. She goes on and on trying to impress these assholes. Zack calls Lorelai "your highness." Whatever. Go back to the Daniel Palladino Toy Chest, you ass. Lorelai's pager goes off as Jackson wonders if the suit is a little too much. Sookie consoles Jackson as Lorelai reads that Rory is tied up and promises to be there as soon as she can. Lorelai notes how weird that is. Sookie says they'll sit in the back and wait for Rory. Lorelai also asks them to hold onto all of her things so that she doesn't have to leave them in dressing room. Zack teases Lorelai for not trusting her things around the poor kids. "Knock it off, Zack," Lorelai says, and that's it. We just watch her pout. Okay. Great. Waste my time.
Rory is just now learning that buses make lots of stops. She's so clueless with this that someone has to explain the concept that nobody needs to be let off on the way into New York since they're all going to one place, but this non-charter bus makes lots of little stops on the way home because everybody doesn't live in Stars Hollow. Or Hartford, or wherever Rory skipped school. Rory moans that she should have checked traffic and how buses work. She gives a "note to self," which we stopped doing back when Greg Kinnear did it on Talk Soup, and says that impulsive doesn't work for her. The guy who explains buses then spits into his dip can. Rory has never actually met a redneck before, so she's unclear on the concept of dipping, or carrying a cheap soda can to spit nasty tobacco into. Try accidentally drinking out of one of those, Rory. Welcome to my high-school life.
Lorelai's graduation. The cameraman runs down to Lorelai's aisle for her big moment, to catch all of it on film. Lorelai is embarrassed by all the attention and the big giant camera light. Zack teaches her. Richard complains about how lame the commencement speaker is. I had a professor speak at mine. This is what my graduation ceremony looked like. What? You ask how that's possible when I went to the University of Texas at Austin and the year I graduated they had Matthew McCauhnangghney and Renee Zelleewelleweggergger tell us about how the "real world" is? Well, I'll tell you how it's possible: I graduated in the fall. Graduate in the summer, kids, if you want a big deal. But my tiny graduation was very nice. Small room, could cheer loudly for everyone. It was much smaller than my high-school graduation, which was at the Astrodome. Richard is really unimpressed with the speaker, but I don't see him volunteering to talk. The camera follows Lorelai and stands right behind her. Lorelai's full name: Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. Lorelai takes her diploma and turns around. She makes eye contact with the tearful Richard and Emily. They all share a very nice moment, sixteen years after the fact. Lorelai proudly moves her tassel to the other side. It's handled very well and it gets me all teary, too, even on this second viewing.
After the ceremony, Lorelai finds Emily and Richard. Still nobody's mentioned Rory, which is totally bizarre. "Well, I did it!" Lorelai tells her parents. Emily tells her that Raul got some good footage. Richard complains about how much Raul costs. Lorelai says that she's sure it'll be great. Emily congratulates Lorelai. Lorelai says she's glad they came. Emily takes this moment to say they should leave, and that they'll see her tomorrow night at dinner. Hey, they remembered what day comes after Thursday! They start to leave, but Lorelai asks if they're going to take their picture together like parents and graduates do. Emily marvels at the disposable camera. Lorelai hands it to Raul, and for some reason, Raul doesn't make the "I don't know how to work these things" joke. He snaps the picture. Lorelai still hasn't noticed her daughter/best friend/granddaughter to these people is missing. And hey, Lorelai's gown has pockets. I'm jealous. Raul hands back the camera and Emily says she'll see Lorelai tomorrow. Emily leaves, but Richard says he'll be there in a second. He hands Lorelai an envelope and congratulates her. Lorelai says he doesn't have to do this. "Put it towards something fun," he says. Lorelai takes the envelope and says, "Thank you, Daddy." Richard leaves after a second. Nobody hugs in that family. Sookie and Jackson walk up and say how proud they are of Lorelai. Lorelai asks where Rory is. Sookie says that Rory called the cell and said she got hung up on something and that she'll see Lorelai at home. Lorelai asks if Rory's okay. Sookie says that she's fine, but that she'll see Lorelai at home. Lorelai says it's okay if Rory's okay, but that she should probably go home. She thanks Sookie and Jackson for coming. Sookie asks if she wants to go out to eat. Lorelai says she'll just go home to Rory. They hug goodbye. Jackson stops Sookie at the door and says, "Wait a minute. Aspirins instead of almonds? But we already bought the almonds!" What a pay-off, ladies and gents. So worth the hour wait. Jackson keeps whining about the almonds and Sookie laughs openly at him as she leads him away by the arm. Lorelai has a ton of things to carry.
Rory's waiting out on the steps as Lorelai pulls up in the Jeep. I wonder if Rory wrote another letter explaining why she sucks. She starts apologizing before Lorelai gets out of the car. Lorelai notes that nothing new is broken on Rory. Rory says that she's fine. Lorelai asks if anybody got hurt or ended up in the hospital or if there's any real reason that Rory skipped the ceremony. Rory says no. Lorelai says she'll get past worry then and move on to other things. Rory says she knows that Lorelai is hurt. Lorelai says she's really hurt, and that she didn't even want to attend this ceremony until Rory made her. She says it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and that her best friend should have been there. She doesn't know how anything else could have been more important to Rory. She asks if it was school. Rory says it wasn't. Lorelai asks if it was Paris. Rory says it wasn't. Rory says it was really stupid what happened. I don't know if I have the strength to recap all of this, but I think the best thing is to just transcribe it. Ready? Take a breath.
Rory: I cut school!
Lorelai: You what?
Rory: I cut school and I got on a bus and I don't even know why I did it. I, I have no excuse. I was just standing outside of Chilton and I, I don't know, I must've had a stroke or something. What does a stroke feel like?
Lorelai: I don't know. Not good, probably.
Rory: And I left school and I got on a bus and went to New York and that's it. I'm grounded for six months, or seven and no TV, no stereo, no reading and, in fact, take all of my books away from me and lock them up.
Lorelai: Hold on, here. You went to New York?
Rory: And no magazines either. And I'm going to do all the housework. Laundry, dishes, in fact, we're gonna start eating at home so we have dishes.
Lorelai: Rory?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Stop. Why did you go to New York?
Rory: To see Jess.
I have to break in here. This tactic never worked for me. Making my own punishment didn't make my parents go any easier on me. They just let me pile a bunch of stuff on myself and then ground me for an extra week to boot. I'd totally lose all of these privileges for skipping school and going to New York with a bad boy. I'd lose even more. But I don't know for sure because I was never stupid enough even to try this. Rory says the stroke made her go to New York and see Jess. She says the phone call from him last night did something to her. She says that Lorelai should also take the phone away from her: "No books, no music, no phone." She says she's a horrible person. Sick, ill, and cracked. She says this isn't who she is. Lorelai is looking at Rory with such a face of pity that I get angry that Rory's going to get away with this. Rory says that if she wrote this down in her diary and then read it, she'd wonder who this freak is, because it isn't her. She says she wouldn't skip school when she has finals coming up to see a guy who isn't her guy and end up missing her mother's graduation which she wanted to be at so badly. "That's someone else!" Rory says. "That's someone flighty and stupid and girly and, I mean, I missed your graduation, which is the worst thing I could have possibly done. I mean, I hurt you and I had to spend hours on a stinky bus to a guy that was spitting into a can just thinking about all the minutes that were going by that I wasn't at your graduation and they were hurting you and they should have been hurting you because it was so selfish of this person who wasn't me to do what she did!" Lorelai tells Rory to take a breath. Rory says she doesn't deserve a breath: "No breaths! You should add that to the list. You should beat me, ground me, take the phone away, and deprive me of air." Lorelai says that this isn't probably a mental problem or a medical condition. "Maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess." Rory shouts "no" a few times and says she loves Dean and will always love Dean and she doesn't love Jess. "That's it. Forever." Lorelai says it might not be forever. Rory says it is forever and Jess is gone and now she can be with Dean forever and everything will be good again. Lorelai says that Rory cut school and went on a bus to a strange city to see a boy and that means something.
Rory says that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. She just wants to talk about the list she made on the bus of all the ways she's going to make this up to Lorelai. She grabs the notebook out of the tiny pocket of her backpack and starts reading from the list. Lorelai has total control over remote and stereo and the take-out choices. Rory will give Lorelai a special surprise present every day for a month. She hits herself when she realizes that she left Lorelai's Go-Go's album on the bus. She tells Lorelai what she got for her and promises to find another copy. Lorelai tells her to forget about the list until tomorrow. Rory's still in a freak-out and says that she'll send herself to bed without any dinner. Lorelai asks if she has to eat alone now. Rory says it's up to Lorelai, but that she should go to bed without supper. Lorelai says she'd rather go out with her daughter. Rory says she doesn't deserve it. Lorelai says she knows that Rory doesn't, but that tonight is about what Lorelai wants, and she wants to spend the evening with Rory. A very whiny Rory begs to be able to take a shower to get the horrible smell of today off herself. Well, she totally shouldn't be allowed to take a shower. The restaurants are going to close soon. Rory promises not to enjoy dinner and swears she'll have a terrible night's sleep. She says she's "so, so" sorry and hugs Lorelai. "Aw, really?" Lorelai asks. "'Cause you didn't make that clear." Rory promises she won't be long. Lorelai pouts until the closing credits. And...total palsy in both hands. Ow. Man.
time, there's a wedding, and Lorelai's getting chummy with her baby's daddy. It's also the season finale. Give my fingernails a time to grow. The announcer promises us that Rory will "finally" make her decision between Rory and Jess. "I'll move back," Jess threatens. CuteDean looks pretty good in a suit. See you then. I'm off to not flush my toilet for another ten hours. I'm disgusting.