You know the episode is going to be a problem when you're already wishing you were recapping week's episode. I think "Richard in Stars Hollow" will be much better than this whole "Lorelai needs money" thing. There's a saying in improv: "Take the money." That means when someone asks you for an amount or you owe someone money, don't start arguing about the price, or haggle, or say you forgot your wallet. Just take the money, give the money, get past the money. The most boring thing in the world is discussing money, particularly the lack thereof. For real. Everybody has money problems. I hate that right now most of my thoughts turn to my lack of money. When I'm not thinking or talking about it, I'm a pretty entertaining person. Otherwise, I'm cranky and boring. That's what money makes you: cranky and boring. This episode? Pretty cranky and boring. Here we go.
We open at Luke's. Lorelai is demanding more coffee from Luke as she pores over some textbooks from her business class. She's on her sixth or seventh cup. Luke offers to get Lorelai some tea. "Absolutely," she says. "Throw it in with the coffee." Lorelai won't stop tapping her pencil on her workbook. Rory rushes in, announcing that she got her PSAT scores. Lorelai tells Luke to leave the pot of coffee at her table. He does, even though there are other customers in the diner. He calls himself an enabler. He don't know the half of it, with that one. Lorelai tells Rory that the PSATs are like the Baby Gap and aren't as important as the SAT's and that Rory can take these over again if she gets a poor score. Rory got a 740 verbal and a 760 math. Wow. I was going to tell you what I got on my PSATs and my SATs. I didn't know that the PSATs meant anything at all when I was in high school, and my parents were out of town that weekend, so I threw a party. The morning I fell asleep during my PSATs and got a score so low I almost laughed until I realized it kept me from getting some kind of National Merit scholarship thing that all of my friends who didn't come to my party got, which is when I cried. Rory is upset that she got a higher score on math than she did on verbal, since she's supposed to be better at verbal things. I did the same thing. My math score was much higher, for some reason. And I'm a writer. I'm not a calculist or an algebratician. Obviously. Lorelai says that Rory got some amazing scores. She says they are "PSAT-riffic." Rory says she didn't study hard enough. Lorelai tells Rory that she did wonderfully and that she should be proud of herself. Rory calms down. Lorelai says that, to celebrate, they should get all dressed up tonight and see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. In what town, exactly? Rory asks if she can invite Lane. Why would Lane be allowed to go to a midnight show with cross-dressing and virgin offerings? Rory says that Lane's been hard to reach lately. Lorelai says that Lane's probably having a hard time having a best friend be so brilliant. "Well, brilliant in math," Lorelai adds. "Verbal's kinda sad," she mumbles. Lorelai remembers that she has to leave, but invites Luke to come along with them to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She says that she's Magenta and that Rory is usually Janet, but that Luke would make a mean Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Luke pretends to think about it as Lorelai keeps discussing the costume in detail. It goes on for a while until Luke says that she can come by and help him get dressed, but he might not answer the door, in which case he'll just meet her at the movie. Lorelai tells Rory to gloat a little. "It's good for the skin." And we're two minutes into the episode. My fingers. Palsy.
Lorelai's alarm clock is so loud and piercing that both of my cats start running around the living room looking for the truck that's backing up. "Que Sera Sera" plays daintily in the background as Lorelai wakes up with an uncharacteristic smile. She's happy. She loves her house. She loves waking up in the house. She's stretchy, happy, and smiley. She crawls out of her bed like it's Christmas morning. She enters the kitchen and pours a cup of coffee. Rory and Lorelai beam at each other as the music gets louder and louder, reminding us of how perfect Lorelai's life is. Lorelai strolls out onto her porch to get the paper or something (when we all know Rory would have already been reading it at the kitchen table), when her foot busts through some wood. The music screeches! Lorelai screams Rory's name. It's not all so perfect anymore! The hilarity! I hate it when they make over-cute sketch-type segments in this show.
Back in the kitchen, Rory asks if the porch is falling apart or if Lorelai just weighs a ton. Lorelai says that the porch is fine. Rory says the wood is old and rotting. Lorelai says it's strong and will be there for a long time. Kirk, the official Jack of All Trades of Stars Hollow, stands in the doorway and announces that the entire house has termites. Thousands. He adds that four of them crawled up his nose, and that it's a common occurrence when you're upside down, since termites aren't smart enough to know the difference between wood and a nostril. Lorelai asks whether Kirk wants to come in. He says he'd rather talk outside, and starts walking away from the house. Lorelai and Rory follow him. Kirk calls the house a "bug-infested smorgasbord." Then he takes some waffles from Rory. Kirk asks if they can discuss this on the lawn, since the porch could give out on them at any moment. Lorelai will have to tent the place, but the termites have ruined the structural integrity and the house is falling down. Blah, blah, blah, it's going to be expensive: $15,000 to repair the house. Lorelai doesn't have that kind of money. She says that in seven different ways. Kirk says she can just fix the part of the house that they like. Lorelai says they like the entire house. "Really?" he asks. "Even that kitchen?" Heh. Lorelai dismisses Kirk. He tells her not to wait too long. Lorelai tells Rory that the day is only going to get better from there. They dare each other to walk into the house.
Chilton. Lunch. Louisa and Fraulein appear to be on a diet on which they count out twelve Chee-Tos each. They chat about boys. Paris sits down with a happy gloat. She tries for six minutes to get Louisa and Fraulein to ask her about her PSAT scores. Fraulein got 500 verbal and 560 math. Louisa got "highlights, just around [her] face." Paris tells Louisa that she'll have to take the test again, and study this time. Anyway, for the few minutes Paris just goes on and on about how her scores were at her house today and she was really nervous to find out what she got. The script for this scene was easily five pages long. Neither girl asks Paris her score, so Rory finally cuts in and asks. Paris got a 750 math and a 730 verbal. The other girls act all impressed. Smug Rory refuses to tell Paris her scores, saying that it's personal. Paris wants to know how Rory did, and wants to know if Rory is pleased with her score. Rory says she's pleased. Paris asks whether Rory is pleased by just anything, like sunsets. This goes on until a bell rings, signaling everyone but Paris, Louisa, and Fraulein to leave the lunchroom. Oh, man. Take the money! This episode is frustrating, just bantering back and forth about things without anything really happening.
Lorelai can't sleep, so she wakes Rory up. She says she can hear the termites chewing. She wants to go to Sookie's. Rory says it's eleven at night. Lorelai says that somewhere in the world it's still Miller time. Rory tells her to put on some earmuffs to drown out the sound and to go to bed. Lorelai is incredulous that Rory can't hear the termites, and returns to her own room. In the dark, Rory opens her eyes and looks around.
Cut to Rory and Lorelai walking to Sookie's house. They're both creeped out by the termites. Lorelai says she can't stand all their creepy legs and tentacles, prompting Rory to note that Lorelai has no idea what a termite looks like. Rory asks if Sookie was awake. Lorelai says that Sookie answered the phone after twenty or thirty rings. She says that Sookie must be deaf in one ear or something to have not heard the phone ringing for twenty or thirty rings. Sookie answers the door in all smiles. "There they are, my little termite whisperers!" she says. Sookie's got a giant slumber party planned for them where they stay up way late making face masks, reading Tarot cards, playing Twister, watching Purple Rain, and eating food and chocolate and milkshakes. Lorelai notes that it's pretty late. They agree just to skip to the milkshake part.
Lorelai thanks Sookie for letting them crash there, pulling chocolate ice cream out of Sookie's freezer like she's done it seven thousand times before. Lorelai complains that the tenting is going to cost $2000 and then there's another $15,000 worth of damage to repair. ["I'd just like to add that while I was all full of suggestions for ways Lorelai could solve her problems when I watched this episode, my basement flooded on Wednesday, so I no longer think I know everything." -- Wing Chun] She says she likes the house and doesn't want it to fall down. She says she called the bank today and if you listen closely, you can still hear them laughing at her. She says she's worth nothing, and thinking about opening a Coyote Ugly lemonade stand. Rory enters the kitchen at this point, so that Lorelai has to tell the story all over again about the money and the loans and banks. Sookie says that Lorelai is an upstanding citizen and a loyal member of the community. Rory and Sookie list off nice things that Lorelai has done for Stars Hollow that involve making costumes, saving trees, and playing the lead in Fiddler on the Roof. Sookie says that the bank should take those things into account. Because I can't tell you how much Bank of America appreciates it when I sweep my sidewalk or find a home for a lost kitten. Are they kidding? Suddenly there's a thud, and this launches the "What Was That Thud In the Closet" hour. Sookie tells Lorelai and Rory to go find a room at the Inn. Despite all the attempts at dialogue to keep you away from finding out what that thud was, I'm going to assume we're all smart enough to realize Jackson is hiding in the closet. Then it's the "Why is Jackson Hiding in the Closet" variety hour, complete with the "O! The Ice Cream Is Melting!" song. Then it's the "Come Out of the Closet, Jackson" epic poem. It goes on and on with Jackson saying he doesn't want to come out because his pajamas are going to make them laugh at him. They promise they won't laugh, even after they learn that his pajamas are covered with pictures of him in high school when he was on the wrestling team. Jackson pouts out of the closet and everyone tries not to laugh at the tiny pictures of Action Jackson all over his jammies. Lorelai tells Rory that if their house does fall down and one day they have to live in a tree, this moment right here will make it all worth it.
Rory walks into MamaLane's antique shop. MamaLane quickly shoos Rory out of the store with a broom, angry that Rory brought her termite-infested body to her store full of furniture. Rory tries to explain that she's not a carrier for termites, but MamaLane won't hear it. Rory asks where Lane is. MamaLane says that Lane is still at school. She asks if something's moving by Rory's foot. MamaLane starts spraying Rory's feet with a hose. Hee. I love MamaLane.
Lorelai is pretending to use an iBook. Rory says that the entire town is talking about their termite problem. Lorelai says that they have to stop talking to people. Fraulein calls Rory on the phone and tells her this long story about how she's writing an article for The Franklin about how Chilton's PSAT scores compare to neighboring schools, and how she needs to know Rory's number for the PSAT average. Rory tells her to put Paris on. Blah, blah, blah, blee, blee, bloo, and eventually Paris gets on the phone, asking Rory why she won't tell her what she made on her PSAT. Rory hangs up on her and walks back over to Lorelai. Lorelai says that if Paris and Emily were in a room together the world would implode. ["Except that they already have been, in the last episode." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says that every place has turned her down, including "Jacko's Loans and Stuff." She says it's time to "hang out with the Coreys." As they finish getting ready to go see Emily, Rory brings up the idea of asking Emily for help fixing the termite problem. Lorelai says she knows that her parents would give her money, but she doesn't want to deal with all of that baggage. She says she went to them for Chilton because it was worth all of the pain and suffering, but this isn't worth it. She says she'll think of something. This goes on and on and on until Lorelai tells Rory to stop talking about it and that she isn't going to tell her parents about the money.
Emily's house. Living room. Richard is at work, "finishing up" a few things. I ate dinner to him a few nights ago and it took all the strength I had to not walk up to him and say, "I love you on Gilmore Girls." He was dining with fancy friends. Hey, are you guys bored yet? Because this episode is crazy boring. I shall treat you with a half-time story. But it's not half-time yet, so you'll just have to keep reading. Lorelai pops a pill. Emily asks what Lorelai is taking. "Roofies," Lorelai says. Rory says it's aspirin. Emily asks if Lorelai is sick. Lorelai says she just has a headache. Blah blah headaches mean you're sick. Blah, blah, it's just tension. Blee blee, tension from working too hard. Blah, blah, I don't work too hard. Finally Rory just starts telling Emily everything she wasn't supposed to -- how they have termites and it's going to cost so much money to save the house from imploding like Poltergeist. Emily stands up and walks over to her Checkbook Desk where she writes enormous checks. Lorelai tells her that she doesn't want the money. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes. No. Take it. I won't. Do it. Won't. Do. Won't. On and on and on. Take the money. I wish they were arguing over termites or home reconstruction. Money just makes it so damn boring.
Back at the house, Lorelai is giving Rory the blessed silent treatment. Yay! Keep not talking! Glorious! Rory tells Lorelai that she's just being stubborn about not asking for help. Lorelai says she told Rory several times not to ask Lorelai's parents for the money and then Rory did it anyway. Rory says they have a real problem here. Lorelai asks how Rory thinks Lorelai doesn't know that. She says she hates using the computer but she's using it anyway to try to fix this problem and she told Rory not to bring it up to her parents. She tells Rory to apologize. Rory doesn't. Lorelai sends her to her room.
Dean's high school. Stars Hollow High? I don't know. CuteDean shouts from off-screen, "Think fast!" A basketball goes whizzing by Rory's head. There's no way she could have caught it. She's holding a comic book or something. CuteDean sits to her. The basketball conversation goes on for a very long time, and turns into this thing where Rory says she doesn't like the way basketballs look. She segues into her fight with Lorelai. She hates how stubborn Lorelai is being. CuteDean makes a noise that launches Rory into a monologue asking CuteDean what he meant by that noise. CuteDean stops talking, noting, "Words are a very dangerous thing right now." He uses twenty-seven words to say that Rory can sometimes be stubborn, too. CuteDean says she and Lorelai will make up. Rory and CuteDean kiss. CuteDean runs down to get his ball (huh-huh). Rory hears giggling from the nearby cheerleaders. She looks up to see that Lane is one of them. They both see each other and then immediately avoid eye contact. I'm really having a hard time buying that Lane wants to be a cheerleader, y'all. CuteDean brings back a deflated ball. A car ran over it. Rory runs off.
Independence Inn. Lorelai is on the phone with a loan officer, comparing herself to the Energizer Bunny. She's asking him to reconsider. He won't. She says she'll call again in a couple of days. Michel says that she might want to try offering lapdances in the future. Lorelai says she doesn't know where to draw the line anymore. Michel says that she might want to try the Ping-Pong Ball trick. ["I was really quite shocked they used that in a throwaway line on a show sponsored by the Family Friendly Forum. -- Wing Chun] The phone rings. It's Emily. She's talked to her friend Miles, who is president at a bank. He's a friend. He's willing to see Lorelai and talk to her about her problem on Thursday at 3:15. Lorelai says she isn't going to go to the meeting. Emily asks whether Lorelai got a loan. Lorelai says she got a lead. Emily tells her to go the meeting. Lorelai says she won't. Emily says she made the appointment. Lorelai hangs up on her. She calls back the same loan officer from earlier. They tell her that he's in France. Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah!
CuteDean and Rory kiss. They kiss again. It's a longer kiss that's a total shout-out to us complaining that Rory and CuteDean are too chaste this season. ["I totally agree, and said so during the episode." -- Wing Chun] Music starts from nowhere as Lane and Rory see each other from opposite sides of the street. They walk over to each other. The music stops. Whatever. "We need to talk," Lane announces. When did Lane get thirty? Her voice is all older and wiser, like she had some kind of bad breakup or a death in the family or something. She's got that look like she knows she's been written off the show or something. Maybe she hates wearing the cheerleader outfit and knows it's a bullshit storyline they've put her in. Lane tells Rory to stop teasing and judging her about it. Rory's mad that Lane didn't tell her. Lane says that Rory would have judged her anyway. Rory says they used to make fun of cheerleaders and now Lane's "peppy." Lane says that Rory's not around much anymore and she has CuteDean and Lane doesn't feel like she has to justify cheerleading to Rory. She runs off, but then runs back when she sees she forgot her pom on the bench. "Your what?" Rory asks. "Two are pompons! One's a pom!" Lane shouts.
Luke's looking under the house. Lorelai hands him a flashlight and asks why he doesn't have one of those hats with the lights on them. "I flip burgers for a living," he answers. Luke crawls out from under the house and says that there's damage to the house and that everything's pretty bad, but that he's got some buddies that can do the work on the house for pretty cheap, and she wouldn't have to pay it all right away. "Because I'm Tony Soprano?" she asks. Lorelai figures out that Luke's offering to pay it, and that she'd be paying him back. Like a loan. Because it's a loan. Back to the money. Money. Money. Always talking about money. Lorelai thanks him but says she can't take it. ["I could not figure this out. If Luke's doing part of the work, it stands to reason that it would cost less than $15,000. Take it! You're not going to get a better deal! God! Wait, maybe I do know everything." -- Wing Chun] Rory stomps past as Lorelai announces that Dean called twice. In the past fifteen minutes? "Rah, rah, rah," Rory drones. Luke asks if they're still fighting, which I don't really understand, since Lorelai was all cheery to see Rory and Rory's upset about Lane and not Lorelai. Luke asks what Lorelai is going to do. Lorelai drops her head in response.
And we're at the halftime show. Let's see. What can I tell you? Huh. The first time I got my period I was so embarrassed I thought that I could hide everything from my parents forever. I just didn't know much about pads and I had no idea how to put in a tampon. So I wore this giant pad I found in the depths of my mother's closet. And then I flushed it. And then I used another. And flushed that. And another. Then someone used the toilet after me. When they flushed the toilet, a river of pads, water, body waste and blood flooded the bathroom floor. I was crying in my room, covered in shame. My dad opened the door and said, "You're not supposed to flush those. You just put them all in a box and then when you're old and menopausal, you can pull them out one by one and relive your youth." I screamed at him to get out. He had no idea that one day, eight years later, I could finally see the humor in that statement.
And we're back. Lorelai's at her bank appointment. She sees Emily sitting in a chair. She says, "You're not seriously sitting there." Emily says that it's actually a hologram. She adds that she knows Miles, and thought her presence in the meeting would help. Lorelai leaves. Emily follows her. Lorelai says she's not going into a business meeting with her mommy -- not without her blankie. She says that Emily is butting in on Lorelai's business. Emily says that Lorelai's pride is hurting her home. Lorelai says she'll go in there, but that Emily's not allowed to say a word. She can ask about Miles's wife, and that's it. She says she won't do it unless Emily promises to be quiet. Emily promises.
The bank president is Larry from Three's Company. I'll call him Larry because nobody remembers that he was recently on Inside Schwartz. Larry offers to get Emily some coffee. Lorelai is bumbling and awkward. Emily is all smiles. Lorelai asks Emily why she's so chatty. Emily says that asking for coffee isn't chatting, and that she still hasn't asked him how his wife is doing. Larry asks the women into his office.
Inside, Larry says he heard about Richard retiring. He asks if they have any plans. Emily says they're discussing a trip around the world. Larry says they should get down to business. He asks about the loan. Lorelai says that before they discuss the loan, Emily wants to know how his wife is doing. Larry stammers that she's fine. Then he says he understands that Lorelai has termites. He tries to wax nostalgic about when Emily and Richard had a foundation problem a few years back. Lorelai stops Emily from talking; she says she appreciates Larry taking the time to meet her, that Emily is only there as a silent...silent, and that Lorelai just wants to be treated like anybody else who asks for a loan. Larry goes through her file and asks whether she has any other money not listed. He asks a few more bank-like questions and then turns her down for the loan. Lorelai asks if there's anything else. Larry says that being well liked isn't grounds for granting a loan. Lorelai says she pays off all her debts and works really hard. Larry says she just doesn't qualify. Lorelai says her child is used to having a roof over her head and she can't leave without a loan. She asks what else she can do. Larry says she could have a co-signer on the loan. Emily smiles. Lorelai says, "You knew about this, didn't you? Mom?" Emily: "Huh?" Lorelai: "Would you be willing --" Emily: "It would be my pleasure." ["And after the assy way Lorelai was treating her -- preventing her from talking? What is that? Lorelai came across as a social retard! -- Lorelai totally doesn't deserve such a gracious answer." -- Wing Chun] Larry says he'll draw up the papers right away, and leaves to get more coffee for Emily.
Outside the bank, Emily says she thought that all went quite nicely. Lorelai instantly asks what the catch is. She wants to know what Emily wants in exchange for co-signing the loan. Emily is offended ["and justly so, in my opinion" -- Wing Chun] and says she was just trying to do a nice thing and help her daughter. She storms off.
Okay, there's some kind of pep rally here in the snow to welcome Stars Hollow High's new basketball coach. Cardigan Man is almost unrecognizable in a ski cap. The team has new uniforms as well. Cardigan Man tells the boys to show off the new basketball uniforms, but the boys complain that it's freezing outside in the snow. The boys rip off their sweat suits and show the uniforms. Bootsy says stuff to Rory I refuse to recap because of the Bootsy Clause I'm adding to my contract. Lorelai brings Rory coffee, saying she got her note. Rory says that pinning notes to the Mallomars is always a safe bet. Y'all, I'm so bored. I swear to God. Lorelai says that she and Emily went to the bank today and got a loan so everything's okay now. Lorelai says she likes the uniforms. Rory apologizes. Lorelai says she's never really needed her parents' help before and has always given Rory everything she needs, so when Lorelai says she can handle something, Rory needs to respect that. Lorelai declares the fight over in time for Lane and the cheerleaders to run in chanting "Stars Hollow High!" Madness starts playing and we see Lane as the head cheerleader or something. They cheer. Recapping bliss. I even have an old joke about Madness. My friend and I saw the box set a few years ago and we noted that the entire Madness box set sounds like this song. "Duh-nuh-NAH nah-nuh-ni-nuh-nuuuuh."
The Troubadour. Still recapping bliss, but aural misery. Rory finds Lane with some cheerleaders. Lane just walks away from them. Rory compliments the music selection. "Very John Waters," she says. She tells Lane that she has to be able to tell her things. She says the cheerleading looks like fun and she'd only be worried about Lane if she wanted to do this professionally. Man, this episode is even more boring in this slow-recapping mode. Y'all. Nothing has happened and now they're cleaning up nothing happening into a complete emotional standstill. Lane says she's the same girl, but just bounces a little more. They leave for coffee, passing the Troubadour, who sings, "Be True to Your School." Yay, it's over. Bring on week's episode, which...oh. It's not over.
Awkward Friday night dinner. Emily's ignoring Lorelai. Lorelai says that the workers are doing a great job on the house and she hasn't seen one butt crack yet. Emily leaves the table to get more bread. Since Emily doesn't do any of her own labor, Lorelai knows she's supposed to follow her into the kitchen, which she does.
In the kitchen, Emily is just standing still. Lorelai sighs and apologizes for doubting her motives in the loan. She says she doesn't know what she would have done without Emily's help, and that she's really, really grateful. Emily says, "Well. That almost sounded sincere." Lorelai: "Yeah. I should have left off one of the 'really's. That always tips it." They smile. Emily accepts her apology and tells Lorelai she'll be having her DAR meetings at the Inn from now on. "I hope you don't mind," she says as she leaves the kitchen. Lorelai stands still and says to herself, "She's good." End of episode.
week, Lorelai gets tired of listening to Dad. I'm excited. Maybe they won't talk about money for six minutes.