It's a wintry Stars Hollow as the town celebrates its annual Snowman Making contest. It's filled with contestants we've never seen before. This tiny town sure has lots of strangers. Lorelai and Rory are building a snowwoman with an alien face and a smirky mouth. Rory thinks that the mouth makes it look like their snowwoman had a stroke. I quickly feel bad for Alexis and Lauren, who have to wear snow clothes in Los Angeles. Rory is upset at a nearby contestant, who has sculpted his snowman into some kind of Dickens sculpture. Lorelai is unimpressed and thinks that snowman is way too "showy." The contestant smiles at Lorelai. She gives an evil glare back, smiles, and tells Rory that she hates that man with every fiber of her being. That's not very Lorelai-like, now, is it? Lorelai says that this man is clearly a ringer. Rory thinks that an elaborate setup with a ringer is highly unlikely, since the prize for this contest is a roll of new quarters. Rory says she wants to rent the Godfather III DVD so she can hear the audio commentary where Coppola defends casting Sofia. Rory complains that Paris is assigning homework for the paper over the break. They want to have the first issue after winter break to be a double issue. Lorelai asks if Paris ever sleeps. Rory says that Paris sometimes makes a whirring noise and then shuts down. Rory watches the guy to them power buff his Dickens sculpture. Rory and Lorelai decide that even though they're Ernest Builds A Snowman compared to the "Michelangelo of Snow," they're going to stay focused and finish their snowgirl. Right on cue, the snow head falls off. They break to get coffee so that the quirky music can start up and we can fade to opening credits.
Independence Inn. Michel is helping someone on the phone as he watches Rune jump up and down on the other side of the room. Rune is trying to dust the top of a frame, and since he's so short, he must dust in spurts as he jumps high enough into the air. Michel eventually puts the caller on hold and walks over to Rune to tell him to stop jumping "like a Mexican bean." Rune says that Lorelai told him to clean the picture frames, and he doesn't see how there's any other way to clean the top of the frame. Michel pulls the picture down off of the wall and hands it to Rune. Rune says he didn't know that he could do that. Michel comments on how talented he is. They mention The Thomas Crown Affair until Lorelai awkwardly appears to tell them to stop bickering in the lobby. Rune asks Michel where they're allowed to bicker. Michel walks away.
In the kitchen, Sookie is asking Jackson if he's brought her every kind of mushroom. He has. She starts listing them by name. He admits that there's one kind he doesn't have. She tells him that she was just testing him, and that she made that name up. Lorelai enters the kitchen and asks Sookie if she wants to come watch the auditions. Jackson asks what the auditions are for. They're auditioning musicians for the Bracebridge dinner. Jackson is amazed at how much work Lorelai and Sookie are putting into this dinner. Sookie says that this dinner is to recreate an authentic nineteenth-century meal. Lorelai says that everything will be in period, right down to the accents and costumes. Sookie lists off the elaborate menu. Lorelai explains that there will be an elaborate platform where the Squire will sit and conduct the dinner. Sookie goes on about how cool it is to be the Squire. Once Jackson sounds sold, Sookie slips it in that he's playing the Squire. They leave before Jackson can understand what just happened.
Sookie and Lorelai are auditioning the last of the musicians. They're looking for a harpist, which I don't understand because I miss Drella. Come on, what's Alex doing right now that she can't do one episode? Maybe Daniel didn't write the Drella character. Two people on recorders creep me out. There is nothing creepier in the world than someone blowing on a recorder. It's the way the mouth forms around the instrument and that faraway look they have to have so they don't make even creepier eye contact with you. Ick. Jackson tells Sookie and Lorelai that he won't be playing the Squire. Lorelai and Sookie ignore him as they discuss how rich the Bracebridge people are. They're flying their own chartered plane into Hartford. Jackson keeps insisting that he's not playing the Squire and the ladies keep ignoring him. Sookie says they are crazy for doing this dinner. Lorelai tells Sookie that they're so crazy that they're Anne Heche looking for the spaceship in Fresno kind of crazy. "Oh, Quiness," Sookie says. "Nokka don atta," Sookie says. (Which is "Oh, my God. I cannot do this.") "Il ek notra doska donne," Lorelai moans. That means, "Good fortune has been done." I'd tell you why I know that, but then you'd start with the judging. Just know that clearly someone has bugged my apartment. ["I can't tell you either, but damn. I screamed 'shout-out' so loud a car alarm went off outside." -- Wing Chun] A chef shouts that there's a fire in the kitchen. Sookie calmly wraps up her affairs before heading over there. Jackson says that he'll play the Squire if they really want him to, but not if it's just because he fits the costume. Sookie giggles off and Jackson realizes he's only the squire because he fits the costume. Lorelai listens to a non-Drella harpist until she gets a cell phone call. Rudeness prevails as she interrupts the harpist's audition to jabber away on the phone without even an apology or an acknowledgement to the performing harpist. It's Christopher, doing his familiar walk through his apartment set. He asks if Lorelai has a minute. Lorelai just walks away from the poor girl auditioning for a job and sits down to chat with her ex. Christopher asks if Rory can come visit him for a few days. He asks, "Where are you? Heaven?" It's funny enough that I no longer mind the poor harpist who knows she totally didn't get the job. Christopher says he's got a room for Rory and everything, but he wanted to run it past Lorelai first in case she has plans with Rory. He says she can say no and there'd be no hard feelings. Lorelai says that it's up to Rory. Christopher says that he'll let Lorelai run it past Rory and she can get back to him whenever. "No pressure," he says, all perfect like that. Lorelai hangs up and doesn't notice that the harpist has already gone home.
At the very quiet Friday dinner, Rory tries to get Lorelai to engage someone in a conversation. Lorelai asks Richard what their travel plans are for this Christmas. Last year they went to the Bahamas. Rory and Lorelai banter about the correct term for someone from the Bahamas. Emily says they don't have any plans this year. "Why not?" Rory asks. Emily makes a head motion toward Richard. Rory understands and quickly says that staying home for the holidays can be very nice. She says you can do fun things you normally don't do. Lorelai suggests they pull out the Slip 'N Slide. "We'll see," Richard answers. Emily agrees. Richard excuses himself from the table to make some calls, and asks Lorelai to say goodbye before she leaves. After Richard's left the room, Lorelai asks Emily how much longer this "awfulness" of work is going to loom over Richard. Emily says that he's so sensitive these days. Lorelai remembers another time when Richard was sensitive. He had gained weight and bought a new suit to cover the weight, but he still looked fat, and then she told him he looked fat, so it wasn't so much that he was being sensitive, but that she was being rude. Moving on.
Sookie is holding rehearsal at the Inn. She tells everyone that when they are around the guests, they must be in character, speaking in Old English. She barks at Kirk that he's driving her crazy. (Kirk is taking dictation into his laptop.) Sookie quizzes her actors and asks what the appropriate response would be if a guest asks how the food was coming. Rune answers, "Greetings!" Sookie scolds him for just reading the first thing on the list. Rune laughs and asks what color dress he'll be wearing while he talks this way. He says it's stupid. Jackson tells him to shut up and pay attention to Sookie. Kirk says that since they don't all share intimacies with Sookie, they don't all get the special attention he gets. Kirk points out that Sookie has already called Jackson "Peaches" three times. Rune asks if he can talk like an Old Man instead of in Old English. He barks for some kids to stay off his lawn. Hee. Sookie says that he can't do that. Lorelai stumbles in and announces that the Bracebridge group is snowed in, and that there won't be a dinner anymore. Sookie says she's going to cry. She says she's so mad and sad that she's "smad." Rune asks if his "pockets will if noteth get choked."
Luke's. Night. Sookie is still moaning about how much food she has. She moans that she diced pumpkins until her hands turned orange, and now she's got pumpkin hands. She asks Lorelai how she's staying so calm through all of this. Lorelai says that there's nothing they can do. Also, they already got the Bracebridge money, which is all Lorelai is really concerned about, anyway. Sookie says she could make up the dinner for the three of them. Rory says it'd be kind of sad and lonely all in that hotel. Lorelai says that it'd be just like The Shining but with Rune instead of Jack Nicholson. Luke walks over and asks if they need coffee. Sookie asks if Luke and Jess eat food. Lorelai tells Luke that Sookie is inviting them for dinner. Sookie wiggles and says it'll be fun. She asks if Luke likes peacock pie. Luke says he's 100% sure that he doesn't. Rory and Lorelai say it'll be fun, and that there will be decorations and food that he does like. As Luke ponders, Lorelai decides to not make it a special time with Luke, and instead to invite everyone they know. Rory adds that all of the guests could stay at the Inn. Lorelai says they could throw the biggest, baddest slumber party ever. She tells Luke to spread the word. Luke whines that he hasn't even said if he's coming yet and now he's got to be a messenger boy. Lorelai gives a small pout. He obeys. Rory giggles. Commercial.
Lane is wearing the cutest hat in the world as she walks through fake snow with CuteDean. He asks if she's going to the Independence dinner. Lane says she's trying to trick her mother into not coming with her. "How's that coming along?" CuteDean asks. "How's that Pixies reunion coming along?" she asks. CuteDean laughs like he's ever bought a Pixies album and I check again for a bug in my fireplace. Also, I'd like to add here that they've been totally setting it up this season that Rory will get tired of CuteDean and Lane will be interested because her mother allows her to kind of see CuteDean because MamaLane thinks that CuteDean is with Rory. Lane walks away just in time for CuteDean to see a ridiculously fake fight that nobody is watching. I hate when they do school fights on television. They always look so retarded. It's Jess and some blond kid and they fake fight all over the place until CuteDean breaks them up for no reason at all except to make it look, in the commercials, like he's fighting with Jess. Jess gets a few punches into CuteDean for no real reason, and absolutely nobody is hurt or has caused any commotion whatsoever. CuteDean asks Jess what his problem is and why he kept punching. Jess says he just had some momentum. He tells CuteDean that he didn't need his help. End of pointless scene as CuteDean purses his lips in a way that makes me love him less.
Gilmore home. Lorelai asks Rory if Bootsy RSVPed. He did, because Daniel wrote him, and he's coming alone. Lorelai jokes that he's putting him in the same room as Luke. Rory says that Jess is coming with Luke. Lorelai says she'll put Jess in the same room as Miss Patty. "There'll be no Jess left in the morning," Rory says. Is Jess made of cake? Rory picks up a stack of Christmas cards and asks if they are from this year. She points out that last year's cards were sitting there at Halloween. But that would mean that these couldn't have been last year's cards. Lorelai: "Hey, if that was a crack at my housekeeping skills...well then, okay." Rory points out that one of those babies is horribly ugly. Lorelai says that's Rory's second cousin, an offspring of their ugly first cousin Stan. She says that that baby isn't even the ugliest one of the bunch. Rory finds the ugliest baby and flinches. She asks why people put pictures on cards. Lorelai wonders how they couldn't know that she and Rory are unapologetic mockers. "There's an unexplained innocence in the world," Rory says. She finds another card from Christopher and Sherri. Lorelai feigns surprise. Rory says that Sherri is pretty. Lorelai agrees and adds that she looks like a young Tammy Faye Baker. "But prettier than that," Rory adds. Lorelai asks why room 31 is empty. Rory asks if a "certain depressed man and his wife could stay there." Lorelai: "Woody and Soon-Yi?" Rory says she was referring to Richard and Emily. She says that something needs to cheer Richard up. Lorelai offers to send them a Def Comedy Jam tape. Rory pouts until Lorelai pencils them in. Rory tells Lorelai not to hope that Emily and Richard will say no, because, coupled with the ugly baby mess, that would be too much bad karma. Lorelai tells Rory that she needs to become more cynical and self-absorbed in the new year. Rory promises to work on it. Rory walks off and Lorelai flips the ugly baby card face-down.
Independence Inn. Rory is busy checking guests into the hotel as Lorelai pants into a paper bag. Babette and Morey are the first to arrive. This freaks Morey out. He thinks being first ruins his "street cred." Morey says that Charlie Parker was late to everything. "Charlie Parker had more drugs in him than a Rite-Aid," Babette warbles. Rory sends them to room 8. Babette promises Morey that they can be late to dinner.
Lane arrives with MamaLane in tow. "My wedding night is going to be very interesting," Lane says. Ha. Rory welcomes them and sends them to room 12. Where is PapaLane? MamaLane thanks Lorelai for having them. Lorelai asks if MamaLane needs help bringing in the rest of their things. "This is my stuff," MamaLane says, holding up a small purse. She then goes into the rest of George Carlin's "Stuff" monologue.
Paris enters with an armful of papers. Rory explains that Paris had to bring her all of the work tonight. Lorelai calls Paris a robot and leaves before she has to have an actual conversation. Paris hands Rory a stack of work and says that Rory's going to have to completely rewrite some of the pieces. Fraulein apparently wrote an article on test anxiety where she spent 99% of the time discussing how stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans. I wouldn't know. Rory tries to spin the article, explaining that corduroy is a fabric and society has fabrics. Paris is amused, and actually smiles. She tells Rory to give it up. Rory says that she's busy tonight, but she'll get on it tomorrow. Rory explains that the hotel is having a big dinner party. Paris says she'll get out of Rory's way. She adds that Fraulein uses the "Prince" method of writing, with a rebus method of symbols and pictures to represent words. I wish we got to do that in recaps. U R 2 GR8, MBTV. ["Aw! No." -- Wing Chun] Rory stops Paris and asks if she has anything going on tonight. Paris says that her parents are out of town, so she's going to have dinner with her Portuguese nanny and then either finish reading The Iliad or crush the nanny at Monopoly again. Rory asks if Paris would like to stay for dinner and the show. Paris tells Rory that reading The Iliad for the third time isn't pathetic. Rory says she understands, but that she's extending the invitation. Paris gets on her cell phone to call her nanny. I can't believe Paris doesn't invite the sweet nanny to the dinner.
CuteDean enters with PointlessSister. Maybe Daniel wrote Clara's three seconds from last season. Rory asks Clara if her dress is a Stella McCartney. Why would Rory ever ask anybody that? Clara informs Rory that her dress is a Wal-Mart. She says her mother bought the dress for tonight. Why would CuteDean and Clara come but not a Mama or PapaDean? I want to see these people. CuteDean gets mighty pissy when he sees Luke and Jess enter the hotel as well. Rory asks if it's a problem. Dean explains how Jess hit him in his fake fight. Rory asks why Jess would do that, and CuteDean pulls the biggest insult in teen family dramas: the word "jerk." Jess waves toward Rory, and CuteDean says that Jess had better not do that all night.
In the kitchen Sookie is upset that something she's cooking doesn't taste ye olden enough. Lorelai walks in and shrieks when she sees "naked Rune." He's putting on his knickers, complaining that they won't go past his thighs. Lorelai asks why Rune is getting dressed in the kitchen. Rune says that all of the other rooms are full. Sookie says his pants are too small. Lorelai tells him that he can't reduce the size of his thighs quickly, so he needs to find some bigger pants. He hops off. Lorelai asks Sookie if everything is under control. Sookie says that her soup needs something kind of small, tart, white, and spicy. She then remembers that she's trying to think of salt. Lorelai is a bit concerned that Sookie has forgotten the word for "salt," but Sookie now seems very happy with herself and her cooking and salt. Lorelai tells one of the chefs to have the oxygen ready.
Back in the lobby, Lorelai sees Emily and Richard arrive. She immediately runs over to Rory and announces "The Joyless Luck Club." NO! Richard and Emily are beaming as they walk up and tell the girls they look lovely. Richard admires how the air is crisper up in Stars Hollow. Lorelai asks if Richard picked the wrong medicine bottle this morning. Emily tells Richard that Lorelai is joking. Richard beams up to his bedroom. Lorelai and Rory ask Emily why Richard's so happy. She says she doesn't know why, but he's been like this for two days now so she's going to take the credit. Emily leaves. Lorelai moans and says a hostess's job is never done. She walks off as if she hates whomever it is that just arrived. Rory turns around to see Jess staring at her. She turns back around and pants as we fade to commercial.
Rune is playing the recorder, for some reason, as the party is going in full force. Lorelai stops the party to make an announcement. She thanks everyone for coming to the dinner. Sookie looks nervous. Lorelai thanks the people that funded this party for getting snowed in so she could have a free party that other people paid tons of cash for. She's all "Me" and "my party" and "my friends" while Sookie stands to her, as usual. Lorelai then announces the line of horse-drawn sleighs outside for everyone to get a ride. Jess and Luke are unhappy about the joyousness of sleigh rides. They wear matching pouty shirts. Even Paris is happy, standing near her soulmate, Cardigan Man. Lorelai tells everyone that it's two per sleigh. Jess tells Luke he's going to wait for the clog dancing.
CuteDean's sister is pushing CuteDean out of the hotel, whining that all of the "good horses" are going to be taken. CuteDean acts like he only gets to ride the sleigh once and now Rory doesn't get to ride it with him. I don't know. Whatever gets Jess in Rory's sleigh, I guess. We're just going to go with it. Rory tells CuteDean to go ride with his sister as Jess listens evilly.
Bootsy and Luke make stupid small talk I refuse to recap because my Stars Hollow doesn't have Bootsy in it. Lorelai tells Luke to get in her sleigh with her. Luke tries to decline, but Lorelai says that they can pull a Ben-Hur and take down Cardigan Man's sleigh. She then wins him over by saying she can't be "all school-marm-y" and ride by herself. Luke gets in her sleigh as strummy music plays. They discuss the horse's ass. They really do. Lorelai says the town looks beautiful. Luke says it's the same as always. Lorelai says it's magical this time of year. Luke points out the magical plumbing store where he bought a magical part for his wondrous toilet recently. He sees the magical diner he owns where Jess left all of the "stinkin'" lights on. Lorelai asks how the "Jess thing" is going. Luke says it's going well now, and that it was hard and seemed impossible at first, but now that it's not an interesting storyline and we don't really like Jess it seems silly to dwell on his tertiary characterness and we're just going to hope something interesting happens between him and Rory. Or something like that. Luke says that last week he discovered the secret of parenting. "When last week? Last Tuesday?" Lorelai asks. Hee. Luke admits he doesn't know the exact date or time. He says the secret is visualizing the reality you want and then lie if necessary to bring it about. Lorelai can't believe Luke is a liar. She says she'd just lie to Rory when she was little to protect her from getting hurt. Luke says he did something similar. Jess's mother didn't call to see him during winter break. He told Jess that he didn't let him go see his mother and that she was upset. Lorelai says that Jess knows Luke's lying to him. Luke says he did. "He knows," Lorelai says for no reason other than meddling again.
Emily complains to Richard that this sleigh is killing her hair. Richard is having a great time. They talk about having sex. They really do. Emily tells him to stop acting like he's two. She adds that she's not complaining. Richard asks when the last time was they were on a roller coaster. Emily says they've never been on a roller coaster. Richard wants to go on one together. Eventually, Emily agrees to go on one. Richard says he'll get Rory to look one up on the internet.
"I guess I'm alone," Rory tells the sleigh driver. They take off and Jess jumps into her sleigh. He says she was breaking the rules by not having two people in her sleigh. He says he'll jump out if she doesn't want him there. She doesn't tell him to jump. She says she's mad he got into a fight with her boyfriend. Jess asks, "He's still your boyfriend?" Rory tells Jess to jump out of the sleigh. Jess says he doesn't know why CuteDean was getting involved in his fight anyway. He says he was fighting Chuck Presby because he's a "jerk." Rory agrees that Chuck is a jerk and suddenly Jess is forgiven again. Jess says that the entire town is weird and full of jerks. Rory asks why he's still there. Sad music plays as Jess explains that his mother doesn't want him. He says that Luke lied to him and he knows his mother didn't call. Jess points out how much he likes the snowwoman in the contest. He says it has the most personality. He says it looks like Björk. I can hear Omar scream, "Shout-Out!" from 1400 miles away. Rory says they were going for a Björk snowwoman, and that everybody thinks the one on the end is going to win because it's a sculpture. Jess says that it's overdone. Rory agrees. They smile at each other. Jess asks what Rory talks about with CuteDean. He asks if CuteDean knows Björk. "I played him some stuff," Rory says. Jess asks if they have a teacher-student thing going on. He says he's curious as to what they talk about. Rory says they talk about everything, lots of stuff, whatever. Jess says CuteDean just doesn't seem like Rory's type of guy. Rory says that he's exactly her type of guy. Jess drops it and says he doesn't know CuteDean very well. Rory repeats twice that he doesn't.
At the giant dinner table, Lorelai takes a picture of all of her guests. She then announces the Bracebridge Dinner. Sookie immediately runs in and says she needs a quick second. Lorelai stalls. Bootsy says something I won't recap. Miss Patty asks Lorelai who the Will Ferrell doppelganger is over by the serving tray. Lorelai points out that he's Claude and divorced. I can't believe Paris is sitting to Miss Patty after being so rude to her just a couple of weeks ago. I'd imagine she and Cardigan Man would be talking up a storm by now. Lorelai promises to have Claude bathed, powdered, and sent to Miss Patty's room. Miss Patty is overjoyed and then depressed that it was just a joke.
Richard tells Lorelai that everything is wonderful and beautiful and that she should be proud. "Thanks, Dad," Lorelai beams. Emily tells Lorelai that her dress needs pressing. "Thanks, Mom," Lorelai says, in the same tone of voice.
Lorelai sits to Rory and tells her, "Your pod grandfather is still happy as a clam." Rory says she knew this dinner would be good for him.
Rune announces the "sprightly horns." Several horns play. Jess, Michel, and I all roll our eyes. Rune tells "Chuck Mangione" to "back up a step." Lorelai smiles to Rory and says, "And we're off!" Rune announces the Squire. The horns play again as Jackson walks up in a horrible wig. Suddenly, Stars Hollow is doing some bad dinner theater. The first course is brought out and Jackson announces it's butternut squash soup. Rune and Jackson do some banter that stalls the episode.
Luke and Jess complain about the "white stuff" in their soup. They pick off the green stuff.
MamaLane asks if nobody is going to say grace. Lane says that everybody said a silent grace. MamaLane leans over and asks the person across the table if she said grace. Babette just laughs, raises her glass, and says, "Good one!" MamaLane doesn't smile. Babette puts down her glass, nudges Morey, and leans down to say grace.
Kirk serves Rory and Lorelai soup. Lorelai tries to get Kirk to break his Old English character. He's not breaking at first, and Rory is rooting for Kirk to be stronger than Lorelai, but she eventually gets him to break by telling Rory that the I Love Lucy episodes where Lucy was in Europe were the best. Kirk breaks and shouts that the Hollywood ones were the best. Lorelai is victorious.
The silly antics are continuing. Jackson is full. Rune announces dessert. Clara asks CuteDean if she can eat her dessert "with the horses." I'm fixing to start a new phrase around my apartment. "She eats with the horses." Clara stands, and Bootsy asks her how many beers he's had. Clara tells him, "Seven."
Lorelai asks Paris how it's going. Paris says it's good, and thanks Lorelai for inviting her. She asks Lorelai if she noticed all of the anachronisms. "They were pretty blatant." The lighting, the watches, cubed ice, and most notably -- nylon. Lorelai says the floggings will be administered shortly.
Richard is holding court at his end of the table, entertaining everyone around with his hilarious antics of insurance tomfoolery. It has to do with Cher. Michel likes Cher. Richard thinks that Cher shouldn't be played in Prague. He says he hummed Mozart to the boomboxing hooligans blasting Cher. Richard says he hoped he'd get people to drop money at his feet. Emily adds that two people did drop money. "And I kept it!" Richard shouts. Then he makes the following noise: "Bwa-ha-ha-ha!" Who still says the "Bwa" part? I love it when he reverts back into Munster Mode. Cardigan Man says that Richard is the most interesting insurance man he's ever met. Richard says he agrees that insurance people are a dull lot, and that he's glad to be "rid" of them. Cardigan Man asks if Richard is retired. Richard stumbles on his answer as Emily says that he's not retired. "Actually, I am," Richard says quietly. Lorelai and Emily are stunned. So is Rory. Emily is still stunned as the music comes to an end and the commercials take over.
Lorelai and Rory are in their hotel room. Rory says that most people didn't notice the Emily-Richard thing. Lorelai says that's because Bootsy was performing "Hotel California" with spoons. Who is supposed to love Bootsy as much as Daniel does, exactly? Rory asks why Richard never told them he was retiring. Lorelai says she cannot explain her parents ever. Rory asks which bed she should take. Lorelai tells her to take the bed by the window. Rory pulls back the covers and discovers the ugly baby picture on her pillow. Very funny. ["Glark does that to me with the image of a particularly chubby-faced PC World columnist." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai acts shocked and says the baby is stalking them. Rory and Lorelai get into bed. Rory asks if Lorelai's heard from Christopher recently. Lorelai stalls. Rory says that Christopher's probably busy, but that it's strange that he hasn't checked in yet. Lorelai starts with lying and stalling and eventually confesses that Christopher invited Rory for Christmas, and she's sorry she didn't tell Rory earlier. He was being considerate by asking Lorelai first, but he might actually be inconsiderate. Rory asks why Lorelai didn't tell her sooner. Lorelai says she's got dibs on this time of the year, and now Christopher's put her in the crappy position of losing her daughter on Christmas, resulting in Rory having more fun with Sherri and Christopher. Rory tells Lorelai that she's "wigging" and overreacting with her jealousy of Sherri. Rory says that Lorelai should relax, and that there are ways of working this out. She offers to still call Lorelai "Mom" and to call Sherri "Mommy Sherri." Lorelai doesn't want to be teased, but Rory feels that Lorelai has earned some teasing, what with the withholding of information and all. Rory says she'll split all of the holidays evenly. Labor Day, Memorial Day, Chanukah, Christmas. Lorelai asks her to stop teasing. Rory stops. Lorelai asks if Rory's thinking about going to her dad's, then. Rory says she doesn't know how she feels about it all yet. She says she's going to think about it. She says it was nice that they asked. She reminds Lorelai that they are rooting for Christopher. Lorelai says she knows, and she was being a little possessive. Lorelai says she also wants to know if Sherri is good enough for him, and that there was a bit of altruism in her madness. Rory agrees.
There's a knock at the door. It's Emily. She asks to sleep in a new room because she's still not speaking to Richard. Lorelai says there are no other rooms. Emily says she'll go home. Lorelai tells her to stay in their room. Emily is upset and thinks what he did is inexcusable. She says she's a burden. Lorelai says she isn't. Emily excuses herself to the bathroom. Lorelai sits at the bedroom mirror. Rory watches as Emily and Lorelai simultaneously prepare for bed using exactly the same motions and moisturizer. Rory jokes that she just got a glimpse of her future. Emily gets in the bed, still complaining about Richard. Lorelai gets into bed with Rory and tells Emily to try to calm down. Emily complains about the free slippers. She says that Richard was very irresponsible. Lorelai says that Richard might not have had a choice. "Of course he had a choice," Emily says. She tells Lorelai to go to bed. "That job was killing him, Mom," Lorelai says. "It was killing him." She turns out the light, but Emily can't sleep. She gets out of bed and says she's going for a walk. She says she's not tired. She leaves the bedroom. Lorelai complains, "Like sands through the hourglass..." I'm not finishing the joke because it's lame and forced and really Lorelai's the one getting all dramatic with the "It was killing him, Mom," like she knows anything about anything.
Emily finds Richard in the lobby. He asks her to stay and talk to him. She sits and stares out. Richard says that his work frustration built to a point where he had to retire. He says he originally met with the CEO to discuss his problems and his unhappiness. He says he detailed all of his years, all the travelling he did and weekends he worked. The sacrifices he made to his home and family. Then he heard himself resign. He says the CEO was stunned. He enjoyed stunning the CEO. He says he left and couldn't believe what he had done. He was thrilled. Elated. The weight was off his chest and people were staring because he was smiling for the first time in a very long time. He was happy. "And you chose not to tell me. Your own wife," Emily says. Richard says he's been making her very unhappy lately with all of the engagements he's made her miss, and how he's been so sour all of the time, and he didn't want to disappoint her again. He knows that she likes order and lists, and that this wasn't something that goes well in a list. He jeopardized their future in one day. He didn't want to face disappointing her again by spoiling the plan around Christmas. He didn't want to fight or worry. He just wanted to keep being happy. He apologizes. He starts to make out a list of their finances. Emily watches him thinking through their money and falls in love with him all over again. She stops him and asks if they can go to bed. Richard sighs, smiles, and leads her to their bedroom.
In the morning, Bootsy gets the first line for some reason, asking if he really did play "Hotel California" on his stomach with spoons. I'm done recapping him.
Miss Patty thanks Lorelai for everything. She sees Claude in the light of day and is no longer interested because he's in Dockers.
Richard and Emily walk up all beaming. Lorelai says, "Hey, Mom! Didn't make it back to the room last night. Get lucky?" Emily asks Lorelai if she could be any cruder. Rory stops Lorelai a syllable before Lorelai says the word "laid." Richard hugs Rory and tells her that everything is okay. They leave and say they'll see them Friday.
Jackson isn't feeling well this morning. Lorelai thanks him for being their Squire. Jackson asks if he played drums on his stomach to Bootsy's song. He did.
Clara thanks Rory. CuteDean thanks her as well. "Don't kiss," Clara insists. CuteDean doesn't kiss Rory. "Don't kiss," Clara says again. I hate CuteDean's new girlfriend. CuteDean wraps his hand around Clara's face and kisses Rory. These kids are so not dating. Staying in the same hotel all night and they don't sneak out to see each other? They don't even share a sleigh? Bullshit, y'all. CuteDean and Clara leave so that Rory can turn around and share a moment staring with Jess that CuteDean totally sees. Suddenly CuteDean's face looks very rat-like. I miss the old CuteDean.
Lorelai walks up to Rory and asks if they can go home now. Rory asks if they're going to come back and get their bags later, because she doesn't want to walk her bags home. "Who says we're walking?" Lorelai asks. The wrong Björk song starts up as Lorelai and Rory ride through the town in a sleigh. They see that someone has sabotaged the ringer snowman. "Guess who wins by default?" Lorelai beams. Why does their snowwoman get to win just because someone trashed the snowman that was the best? Why is Rory so happy that Jess trashed the other snowman? Why this Björk song? Dammit! Merry Christmas.