Secrets and Loans

You know the episode is going to be a problem when you're already wishing you were recapping week's episode. I think "Richard in Stars Hollow" will be much better than this whole "Lorelai needs money" thing. There's a saying in improv: "Take the money." That means when someone asks you for an amount or you owe someone money, don't start arguing about the price, or haggle, or say you forgot your wallet. Just take the money, give the money, get past the money. The most boring thing in the world is discussing money, particularly the lack thereof. For real. Everybody has money problems. I hate that right now most of my thoughts turn to my lack of money. When I'm not thinking or talking about it, I'm a pretty entertaining person. Otherwise, I'm cranky and boring. That's what money makes you: cranky and boring. This episode? Pretty cranky and boring. Here we go.

We open at Luke's. Lorelai is demanding more coffee from Luke as she pores over some textbooks from her business class. She's on her sixth or seventh cup. Luke offers to get Lorelai some tea. "Absolutely," she says. "Throw it in with the coffee." Lorelai won't stop tapping her pencil on her workbook. Rory rushes in, announcing that she got her PSAT scores. Lorelai tells Luke to leave the pot of coffee at her table. He does, even though there are other customers in the diner. He calls himself an enabler. He don't know the half of it, with that one. Lorelai tells Rory that the PSATs are like the Baby Gap and aren't as important as the SAT's and that Rory can take these over again if she gets a poor score. Rory got a 740 verbal and a 760 math. Wow. I was going to tell you what I got on my PSATs and my SATs. I didn't know that the PSATs meant anything at all when I was in high school, and my parents were out of town that weekend, so I threw a party. The morning I fell asleep during my PSATs and got a score so low I almost laughed until I realized it kept me from getting some kind of National Merit scholarship thing that all of my friends who didn't come to my party got, which is when I cried. Rory is upset that she got a higher score on math than she did on verbal, since she's supposed to be better at verbal things. I did the same thing. My math score was much higher, for some reason. And I'm a writer. I'm not a calculist or an algebratician. Obviously. Lorelai says that Rory got some amazing scores. She says they are "PSAT-riffic." Rory says she didn't study hard enough. Lorelai tells Rory that she did wonderfully and that she should be proud of herself. Rory calms down. Lorelai says that, to celebrate, they should get all dressed up tonight and see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. In what town, exactly? Rory asks if she can invite Lane. Why would Lane be allowed to go to a midnight show with cross-dressing and virgin offerings? Rory says that Lane's been hard to reach lately. Lorelai says that Lane's probably having a hard time having a best friend be so brilliant. "Well, brilliant in math," Lorelai adds. "Verbal's kinda sad," she mumbles. Lorelai remembers that she has to leave, but invites Luke to come along with them to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She says that she's Magenta and that Rory is usually Janet, but that Luke would make a mean Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Luke pretends to think about it as Lorelai keeps discussing the costume in detail. It goes on for a while until Luke says that she can come by and help him get dressed, but he might not answer the door, in which case he'll just meet her at the movie. Lorelai tells Rory to gloat a little. "It's good for the skin." And we're two minutes into the episode. My fingers. Palsy.

Lorelai's alarm clock is so loud and piercing that both of my cats start running around the living room looking for the truck that's backing up. "Que Sera Sera" plays daintily in the background as Lorelai wakes up with an uncharacteristic smile. She's happy. She loves her house. She loves waking up in the house. She's stretchy, happy, and smiley. She crawls out of her bed like it's Christmas morning. She enters the kitchen and pours a cup of coffee. Rory and Lorelai beam at each other as the music gets louder and louder, reminding us of how perfect Lorelai's life is. Lorelai strolls out onto her porch to get the paper or something (when we all know Rory would have already been reading it at the kitchen table), when her foot busts through some wood. The music screeches! Lorelai screams Rory's name. It's not all so perfect anymore! The hilarity! I hate it when they make over-cute sketch-type segments in this show.

Back in the kitchen, Rory asks if the porch is falling apart or if Lorelai just weighs a ton. Lorelai says that the porch is fine. Rory says the wood is old and rotting. Lorelai says it's strong and will be there for a long time. Kirk, the official Jack of All Trades of Stars Hollow, stands in the doorway and announces that the entire house has termites. Thousands. He adds that four of them crawled up his nose, and that it's a common occurrence when you're upside down, since termites aren't smart enough to know the difference between wood and a nostril. Lorelai asks whether Kirk wants to come in. He says he'd rather talk outside, and starts walking away from the house. Lorelai and Rory follow him. Kirk calls the house a "bug-infested smorgasbord." Then he takes some waffles from Rory. Kirk asks if they can discuss this on the lawn, since the porch could give out on them at any moment. Lorelai will have to tent the place, but the termites have ruined the structural integrity and the house is falling down. Blah, blah, blah, it's going to be expensive: $15,000 to repair the house. Lorelai doesn't have that kind of money. She says that in seven different ways. Kirk says she can just fix the part of the house that they like. Lorelai says they like the entire house. "Really?" he asks. "Even that kitchen?" Heh. Lorelai dismisses Kirk. He tells her not to wait too long. Lorelai tells Rory that the day is only going to get better from there. They dare each other to walk into the house.

Chilton. Lunch. Louisa and Fraulein appear to be on a diet on which they count out twelve Chee-Tos each. They chat about boys. Paris sits down with a happy gloat. She tries for six minutes to get Louisa and Fraulein to ask her about her PSAT scores. Fraulein got 500 verbal and 560 math. Louisa got "highlights, just around [her] face." Paris tells Louisa that she'll have to take the test again, and study this time. Anyway, for the few minutes Paris just goes on and on about how her scores were at her house today and she was really nervous to find out what she got. The script for this scene was easily five pages long. Neither girl asks Paris her score, so Rory finally cuts in and asks. Paris got a 750 math and a 730 verbal. The other girls act all impressed. Smug Rory refuses to tell Paris her scores, saying that it's personal. Paris wants to know how Rory did, and wants to know if Rory is pleased with her score. Rory says she's pleased. Paris asks whether Rory is pleased by just anything, like sunsets. This goes on until a bell rings, signaling everyone but Paris, Louisa, and Fraulein to leave the lunchroom. Oh, man. Take the money! This episode is frustrating, just bantering back and forth about things without anything really happening.

Lorelai can't sleep, so she wakes Rory up. She says she can hear the termites chewing. She wants to go to Sookie's. Rory says it's eleven at night. Lorelai says that somewhere in the world it's still Miller time. Rory tells her to put on some earmuffs to drown out the sound and to go to bed. Lorelai is incredulous that Rory can't hear the termites, and returns to her own room. In the dark, Rory opens her eyes and looks around.

Cut to Rory and Lorelai walking to Sookie's house. They're both creeped out by the termites. Lorelai says she can't stand all their creepy legs and tentacles, prompting Rory to note that Lorelai has no idea what a termite looks like. Rory asks if Sookie was awake. Lorelai says that Sookie answered the phone after twenty or thirty rings. She says that Sookie must be deaf in one ear or something to have not heard the phone ringing for twenty or thirty rings. Sookie answers the door in all smiles. "There they are, my little termite whisperers!" she says. Sookie's got a giant slumber party planned for them where they stay up way late making face masks, reading Tarot cards, playing Twister, watching Purple Rain, and eating food and chocolate and milkshakes. Lorelai notes that it's pretty late. They agree just to skip to the milkshake part.

Lorelai thanks Sookie for letting them crash there, pulling chocolate ice cream out of Sookie's freezer like she's done it seven thousand times before. Lorelai complains that the tenting is going to cost $2000 and then there's another $15,000 worth of damage to repair. ["I'd just like to add that while I was all full of suggestions for ways Lorelai could solve her problems when I watched this episode, my basement flooded on Wednesday, so I no longer think I know everything." -- Wing Chun] She says she likes the house and doesn't want it to fall down. She says she called the bank today and if you listen closely, you can still hear them laughing at her. She says she's worth nothing, and thinking about opening a Coyote Ugly lemonade stand. Rory enters the kitchen at this point, so that Lorelai has to tell the story all over again about the money and the loans and banks. Sookie says that Lorelai is an upstanding citizen and a loyal member of the community. Rory and Sookie list off nice things that Lorelai has done for Stars Hollow that involve making costumes, saving trees, and playing the lead in Fiddler on the Roof. Sookie says that the bank should take those things into account. Because I can't tell you how much Bank of America appreciates it when I sweep my sidewalk or find a home for a lost kitten. Are they kidding? Suddenly there's a thud, and this launches the "What Was That Thud In the Closet" hour. Sookie tells Lorelai and Rory to go find a room at the Inn. Despite all the attempts at dialogue to keep you away from finding out what that thud was, I'm going to assume we're all smart enough to realize Jackson is hiding in the closet. Then it's the "Why is Jackson Hiding in the Closet" variety hour, complete with the "O! The Ice Cream Is Melting!" song. Then it's the "Come Out of the Closet, Jackson" epic poem. It goes on and on with Jackson saying he doesn't want to come out because his pajamas are going to make them laugh at him. They promise they won't laugh, even after they learn that his pajamas are covered with pictures of him in high school when he was on the wrestling team. Jackson pouts out of the closet and everyone tries not to laugh at the tiny pictures of Action Jackson all over his jammies. Lorelai tells Rory that if their house does fall down and one day they have to live in a tree, this moment right here will make it all worth it.

Rory walks into MamaLane's antique shop. MamaLane quickly shoos Rory out of the store with a broom, angry that Rory brought her termite-infested body to her store full of furniture. Rory tries to explain that she's not a carrier for termites, but MamaLane won't hear it. Rory asks where Lane is. MamaLane says that Lane is still at school. She asks if something's moving by Rory's foot. MamaLane starts spraying Rory's feet with a hose. Hee. I love MamaLane.

Lorelai is pretending to use an iBook. Rory says that the entire town is talking about their termite problem. Lorelai says that they have to stop talking to people. Fraulein calls Rory on the phone and tells her this long story about how she's writing an article for The Franklin about how Chilton's PSAT scores compare to neighboring schools, and how she needs to know Rory's number for the PSAT average. Rory tells her to put Paris on. Blah, blah, blah, blee, blee, bloo, and eventually Paris gets on the phone, asking Rory why she won't tell her what she made on her PSAT. Rory hangs up on her and walks back over to Lorelai. Lorelai says that if Paris and Emily were in a room together the world would implode. ["Except that they already have been, in the last episode." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says that every place has turned her down, including "Jacko's Loans and Stuff." She says it's time to "hang out with the Coreys." As they finish getting ready to go see Emily, Rory brings up the idea of asking Emily for help fixing the termite problem. Lorelai says she knows that her parents would give her money, but she doesn't want to deal with all of that baggage. She says she went to them for Chilton because it was worth all of the pain and suffering, but this isn't worth it. She says she'll think of something. This goes on and on and on until Lorelai tells Rory to stop talking about it and that she isn't going to tell her parents about the money.

Emily's house. Living room. Richard is at work, "finishing up" a few things. I ate dinner to him a few nights ago and it took all the strength I had to not walk up to him and say, "I love you on Gilmore Girls." He was dining with fancy friends. Hey, are you guys bored yet? Because this episode is crazy boring. I shall treat you with a half-time story. But it's not half-time yet, so you'll just have to keep reading. Lorelai pops a pill. Emily asks what Lorelai is taking. "Roofies," Lorelai says. Rory says it's aspirin. Emily asks if Lorelai is sick. Lorelai says she just has a headache. Blah blah headaches mean you're sick. Blah, blah, it's just tension. Blee blee, tension from working too hard. Blah, blah, I don't work too hard. Finally Rory just starts telling Emily everything she wasn't supposed to -- how they have termites and it's going to cost so much money to save the house from imploding like Poltergeist. Emily stands up and walks over to her Checkbook Desk where she writes enormous checks. Lorelai tells her that she doesn't want the money. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes. No. Take it. I won't. Do it. Won't. Do. Won't. On and on and on. Take the money. I wish they were arguing over termites or home reconstruction. Money just makes it so damn boring.