Yay for Amy Sherman-Palladino back behind the keyboard. Yay for funny moments and good timing and happy Gilmore Girls again. I know this was much better than the past few weeks because people stayed in the room to watch it with me instead of whining that the show sucks now. Boys stayed in the room and nodded and said, "It's good again." Boys. It's not like me forcing people to watch Ally McBeal, which is the most cliched thing I can imagine a girl forcing a boy to watch. This is me watching my girly family show and boys wanting to watch it, too. That's why Amy S.-P. is a good writer. That's what makes me happy. That's what makes me want to write for television. Yay, for my show coming back.
We open at Luke's. Rory watches Lorelai eat eggs. Rory's in her Chilton uniform and she's very impatient because it's the first day of school and she wants to get there early and Lorelai's wasting time with her slow egg-eating. I know what Rory's going through. Whenever I missed the bus and had to have my parents take me to school they'd always be so slow and I'd end up missing at least a class and a half and I hated that. Yes, I was a big geek in high school, okay? My first class was English. I liked my English class. Mr. Petras was a very good teacher and was the first teacher who encouraged my writing, okay? Get off my case. In any event, now I know it was pretty cool that all I had to do was miss the bus and every other time it happened my mom would say I could just stay home and she'd write me a note. Mom just didn't want to have to wake up and drive me to school. If I were a less determined kid, I could have racked up the sick days. What did all of that studying and near-perfect attendance get me, anyway? I just misspelled "attendance," by the way. And I just did it again. Pitiful. Oh, right. Back to the show that's not about me, already in progress. Lorelai promises she'll get Rory to school early. Rory reminds Lorelai that she has different classes this year and she doesn't know where they will all be so she hasn't mapped out the quickest route around them yet. And her locker will be different this year and she doesn't know where it is or if it even works and if it's broken she'll have to spend the entire morning tending to that matter. "That could send the whole day into chaos," Rory finishes. "I'm just excited," she adds.
Lane walks into the diner at this point and says she's glad Rory hasn't left for school yet: "I found the greatest record store in the world ten minutes from your school and I'm wondering how much you love me." Rory gets out a notebook to write down Lane's wish list. It's called Record Breaker, Inc. on 2453 Berlin Turnpike. It's here if you want to go. Hey, who's the busboy working for Luke? Why hasn't the busboy angle been explored? Lane pulls out her Mojo Collection and starts ordering. Her list includes Tour the Sonics, Mc5, and the Bee Gees, because Mojo says. Lane laughs and gleefully announces that she's almost done with the '60s. Rory promises to go today or tomorrow at the latest as a pack of Boy Scouts march into Luke's, led by Taylor, who has to go by "Taylor" in this scene because he's not wearing his cardigan. I can't believe he's not wearing a cardigan over his uniform. Lorelai stands up and Rory shouts, "Hey!" Lorelai turns back around and says she's just getting a donut and once she's done she'll take Rory to school and "the nice men in the white coats will pick [her] up." Taylor has the Boy Scouts lined up. He tells them to wait in line, order, and then move to the back of the line. The boy in the front of the line asks for a burger. The boy behind him wants grilled cheese. Another boy wants grilled cheese and fries. The boy in front of him wants crispy fries. The boy at the front of the line wants his fries crispy, too. Luke tells the boy he can't have crispy fries since he didn't order fries. The boy asks why he can't. Luke says that the boy didn't order fries and so he can't make them crispy because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist. "Why not?" the boy asks again and Luke warns Taylor to get the kid away from him. Taylor boasts that this diverse group of Boy Scouts just completed the first leg of their Outdoor Survival Training, and that Luke should show them more respect. Luke isn't impressed with that first leg, which mostly involves "sitting under a tree, gluing rocks together for two hours." Taylor calls Luke "jaded" and wonders aloud what happened to Luke as a child. Luke tells him that some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks forced him to sit under a tree and glue rocks together for hours. Luke tells one of the Boy Scouts to put down the donut display top. "Why?" he asks. Luke says he'll put the kid inside of it. The kid says he won't fit in there. Luke promises that the kid will. Lorelai interrupts here and asks for some donuts. The Boy Scout Line Leader announces that they were there first. Lorelai says she was on the planet first and therefore the boys lose and she gets her donuts. She Gets Her Donuts is the name of my second Elvis Costello tribute album.
The phone starts ringing and everyone moans as Luke goes to answer it. Luke has a conversation that sounds like there's nobody on the other end of the phone as Lorelai walks around the counter and starts serving herself some donuts. One of the kids tugs on Taylor's shirt and points at Lorelai, saying, "She's not supposed to do that." Taylor says that the kid is right and that Lorelai is "breaking the rules." "And people who break the rules end up very lonely with no friends" -- and no husband (wha? who said that?) -- "because they have become society's outcasts." Lorelai asks Taylor whether he plans on burning some Huck Finn after lunch. Luke starts screaming at the person on the other end of the phone: "You won't ever change, will you?" He hangs up and asks whether Lorelai has a sister. Lorelai says she doesn't. "I do!" says the Line Leader. "You have my sympathies," Luke says. "Thanks, I appreciate that," says the kid. Hee. Opening credits. See? It's all good and back and happy. Look how much I wrote already.
Lorelai finds Luke outside of Luke's, carrying several bags. He keeps dropping things and she keeps offering to help and he keeps turning her down. Y'all. I've officially been recapping too much. My cat just tried to jump up on the nightstand and drink from my coffee (because Cal loves coffee so much but it makes him have the stinky poo) and I sounded just like my mother as I shouted, "Lorel -- uh, Ror -- uh, CAL!" He's still up there trying to drink the coffee, too. I just don't want to stop him because I get terribly depressed when I sound like my mother. I'm really surprised they didn't do a Halloween episode, since Stars Hollow loves to decorate the town. This year to celebrate Halloween my uterus has decided to cover itself in blood and rain evil from my vagina. Just so you know. I didn't recap all day long and was supposed to do laundry, but they are having a parade in front of my laundromat and the street was closed to prepare and it was all so stressful that I just went and got a Quarter Pounder with cheese, ate it, and then slept for three hours. Don't judge me.
Luke's apartment. As he fumbles with the keys, Lorelai snoops through the groceries he just bought and asks when he started buying Frosted Flakes. Luke's bag breaks and groceries tumble all over the ground at the same time Scott Cohen's name appears on the screen in the credits. Coincidence? I think not. Lorelai asks what's going on, and Luke says it's nothing. Lorelai asks why Luke woke up this morning and decided to buy every single food item he never eats. Luke says they aren't for him, but for someone who is not him. "Like who?" Lorelai asks as they enter Luke's apartment. "Like my nephew," Luke answers. Lorelai concludes that Luke's nephew is coming to visit. Luke says he's coming to stay. Lorelai asks whether Luke's sister is moving to Stars Hollow. She's not. Lorelai is confused. Luke explains that his sister is busy and can't handle his nephew, so she's sending him to live with Luke. Lorelai asks where the father is. "Whereabouts unknown," Luke replies, adding that his sister probably put about five minutes of thought into all of this. The kid's been getting into trouble lately, and instead of spending time with her kid, she's giving up and sending him for Luke to straighten out. Lorelai smiles and asks how exactly Luke is capable of straightening any kid out: "You? Luke Danes, the great communicator? You're going to straighten the kid out?" Did we know Luke's last name before? ["Lorelai used it when she introduced Luke to Max last season." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that the kid just needs to get out of his environment and away from his crappy mother. Lorelai asks how long the kid is staying. Indefinitely. He's seventeen. Lorelai says that this is very generous of Luke. Luke says, "Well, it's family. What else can you do?" Lorelai asks what kind of trouble the kid has gotten into. Luke says it's mostly "kid stuff," like staying out late, getting rowdy. What else, Luke? Causing a ruckus? Being a hooligan? Gallivanting? Lorelai asks whether Luke's asked the kid some key questions like, has he seen The Shawshank Redemption and did the setting seem homey to him? Luke says he could never count on his sister Liz before, anyway. His mom died when they were kids, and he had to stay and help run the store with his dad while Liz would run around town. Then when she was old enough, she moved out of Stars Hollow, even though their dad was sick. Luke stayed and took care of things and she left. Huh. Wonder whether Luke's attracted to women like his sister, seeing as how he was in love with a woman who left whenever things got tough and took off all the damn time when he needed her.
Lorelai asks what Luke's doing. He's using a hand pump to blow up a giant blue air mattress. Lorelai says, "Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft," which is an incredible shout-out. Just an hour before the episode aired I was on the phone with my mother talking about coming home for Christmas. My parents have recently taken in my seventy-two-year-old Aunt Betty, who is my grandmother's sister. Basically, you know the speech Luke just gave? Well, my mom could have said the same monologue, including the bits about Aunt Betty gallivanting and being a hooligan. I asked where I was going to sleep, and Mom told me she was going to buy an air mattress. When I complained she said, "You don't even know what it feels like." I do, and I answered, "Remember those rafts we had for our pool when we lived in California?" I shit you not, my mom thinks for about fifteen seconds and goes, "Well, they were kinda comfy. I used to sleep on them when I was tanning." And I shouted, "Because it was the '80s and you were on Percocets!" And my mom said, "Percodans. It's your grandmother that took Percocets." Y'all. I'm not kidding or making that up and it's going in my autobiography and you can't steal it. But back again to the story that's not about me. Lorelai says that the kid needs a bed; if Luke wants to get him something inflatable, it should be a blonde. Luke says the inflatable bed is fine. Lorelai asks how the kid feels about this. I must have missed the announcement, but now she's calling him "Jess." Luke admits that he hasn't spoken to Jess yet, and there's no reason to because the kid's got no choice. Lorelai asks whether Luke's ready for this. Luke says he is. Lorelai says that taking on a kid is a lot of work. Luke says he knows. Lorelai says that Jess could be lots of work since he's been in trouble. Luke says the kid just needs someone to take care of him who will give him space and calm and treat him like a man. Lorelai says that maybe Luke should think about this. Luke says there's nothing to think about because Jess is already being sent there. Lorelai asks what happens if Jess turns out to be Fredo. Luke asks whether Lorelai's telling him not to do this. Lorelai says she isn't. Luke asks what she's saying. Lorelai thinks and then says, "I'm just saying if you need any help I'm here." Thank you, Lorelai. Thanks for listening, caring, and then not being bratty or snotty. Our Lorelai appears to be back, y'all. Luke thanks her, too, and says he's got a lot of work to do. Lorelai goes to leave and asks whether Luke has an extra set of sheets for Jess. Luke moans that he does. Lorelai leaves and Luke grabs his keys to buy some sheets.
Chilton. As Rory starts to walk into a classroom, she stops. Paris is standing there. They face off for a second until Paris whips into the classroom. Fraulein and Louisa both give Rory a look and walk inside. Fraulein seems to have forgotten she wanted to be friends with Rory again. Rory stands in the hallway alone and says, "Okay, round two." Heh. She walks into the classroom.
Paris is picking up syllabi from a table as Rory walks over and asks for five seconds. Paris gives her four. Rory thanks her and Paris says it's now three. Rory says that it doesn't have to be like this. Rory says that the two of them are going to have to spend a lot of time together this year because they're both working on The Franklin, the school newspaper. Paris says that she can avoid Rory. Rory says she doesn't want to be friends, but that they should look at this like life. In life, there will be people that you don't like but with whom you still have to co-exist. She suggests that they simply co-exist. Paris says that Rory's scared that Paris will make her life a living hell because she's the editor and Rory is the opposite of the editor, in that she's not the editor. Rory says that if Paris wants to spend the "precious energy" that she would normally put into the paper hating on Rory instead, then she's welcome to it, but that she's only suggesting an alternate plan. Paris offers to agree that the paper could be really good this year and then just let the evil slide a little. "Everything okay?" Louisa asks here. I really hate Louisa. She's the perfect blonde bitch popular rich girl and I think the girl playing her is wonderful because I hate her every time she speaks. Paris says they were just talking about the paper. Fraulein says it seems weird. Paris says they're all going to be spending lots of time together, nights and weekends, and they might as well try and co-exist. Louisa starts objecting to the word "weekends." Paris says the first meeting for the paper is today at four. Rory says that sounds good and walks away. Paris sits down at her desk. Louisa says that she can't meet on weekends. She holds her hands out and says, "All of this gets done on weekends." I wasn't looking at the screen at first when she said it, and it looked like she was telling Paris she can only get laid on weekends. The guy sitting in Philllipppe's seat is so not Philllipppe. I miss him. Dawson's Creek, get your damn hands off our Tristan.
Luke waits for the bus that brings in all outsiders. Stars Hollow just added a black man, a lost young girl, and a frightened elderly man before adding Jess, Luke's nephew. Jess is supposed to be a bad-boy rebel, so of course they've got his clothes all wrong. He's wearing a blue vest that always reminds me of Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox was wearing one in orange and everyone in the '50s teased him that he thought he was going to drown. He's got on a camouflage top. Luke and Jess stare at each other for a while as two middle-aged white men leave Stars Hollow via the bus. Poor Lorelai will never find a man at that exchange rate. Luke stammers and eventually walks off. Jess follows, looking around his new town.
Luke's diner. Jess is easy to recap here because he's not talking. Just grunting and making one-syllable noises as Luke announces that this is his diner and that it used to be Jess's grandfather's. Are the lamps on the tables in the diner plugged in? The ones in the middle of the diner -- where are they plugged in?
Luke takes Jess up to his room over the diner. It's just one room. Poor Jess. There's not enough room at all. Luke points out the kitchen, the closet, the bathroom, and the bed. He announces that he's got Frosted Flakes. "Wow, that's grrrrrrrrrreat," Jess says. Picture Jay Mohr in a bad black wig and you've got this kid. I bet they made him dye his hair for the role. Oh, and yesterday afternoon I was watching CNN and they interviewed this kid during the Entertainment section. And they asked him if he thought that Gilmore Girls was doing so well because we're at war and need a happy place to go to like Stars Hollow and if he feels the show is helping society. The kid's all, "I don't know. Yeah, uh, wow. Huh. I just hope people watch and like me." And then they go, "Thanks for talking to us. Now back to you, Bob." And the guys at the CNN desk just sit there for a second, all open-mouthed and then they said, "Okay! Now, back to the news. Um, anthrax...." Luke asks whether Jess has more things than just his scary oversized duffel bag. Jess says that "Lizzy's" sending the rest of his things later. Never trust a boy who calls his mother by her nickname. Luke asks whether Jess needs help with his bag. Jess turns the bag over and dumps out a pile of messy clothes and books. Luke says he's got to get back to the diner. He starts to tell Jess that he's closing up at ten so then they could go do something. Jess passes him and says, "See you at ten." Luke says that Jess needs a key. "No, I don't," Jess says, and leaves. "I so don't want to know why," Luke says.
Outside Luke's, Jess walks to the corner, where the traffic light appears to be gone, by the way. "This is hell, this is hell," Elvis Costello starts to sing. "I am sorry to tell you it never gets better or worse." Jess watches the homey settings of Stars Hollow. They're out of control with children turning cartwheels, twins dressed in overalls, some group carrying giant bales of hay for no reason. "But you'll get used to it after a spell," Elvis promises. Jess walks through his new small town as one car drives by and we go to commercial.
Chilton. Rory sits outside her classroom, ten minutes early for the Franklin meeting. She opens a book and starts reading, but she hears Paris talking inside the closed door. Rory opens the door and finds Paris leading a full table of staff through a meeting. The teacher thanks Rory for finally joining them. Rory says she thought they started at 4:00. The teacher crisply announces that they start at 3:15 sharp. Paris just watches with a small smile. Rory takes a seat at the end of the table. Paris says they were just finishing handing out the first assignments, and since Rory was so late, there really aren't any more stories. Paris checks her list and finds that there is one story left: they are paving the new parking lot tomorrow. She tells Rory that she can cover the paving process. Rory asks whether Paris is serious. Paris says she's sure there's a story in there somewhere: if it's environmentally safe, if it's financially a good idea, if concrete is the way to go instead of brick, given the architecture of the building. Rory moans that she gets the idea. Paris says that Rory can wait until the issue if this story is beneath her. She tells Rory that she can spend the time getting a manicure or a massage. Rory says she'll do the story. She's smiling and says she'll cover the paving. Paris brings the meeting to a close. Everyone leaves, and Rory walks over to Paris, who is typing on a laptop. Rory says she's going to write the greatest piece on paving that Paris has ever seen, and week when she has to do something on plumbing, she'll be just as thrilled. Paris says she likes a team player. Rory says that no matter how many crappy assignments Paris throws at her and no matter how evil Paris wants to be, Rory isn't going to back down and at the end of everything her transcript will still say that she worked on the Franklin. Rory excuses herself to go do some reading on the origins of concrete. Paris barks that she needs a thousand words on her desk by Tuesday. ["A thousand words is about four times as long as a real newspaper story, by the way, unless Rory's writing it for the special Franklin Sunday supplement." -- Wing Chun]
Hey, Max. Sorry to hear about the wedding. Oh, you didn't hear? It's been called off. Sorry to be the one to break it to you. Max walks down the hall and bumps into Rory. They stare at each other until Rory turns around and walks the other way, bumping into students. Max almost calls after her and then turns around, bumping into the oldest students I've ever seen at Chilton. They're testing me with their extras, I just know it. Paris watches all of this suspicious activity from behind a window, concocting a scathingly brilliant idea.
Lorelai finds a jumpy Luke inside his diner. He spills some coffee and Lorelai offers to lick it off the table. She asks whether Jess is there and how he's doing. Luke says he doesn't know, because Jess pretty much took off somewhere in Stars Hollow. Lorelai asks Luke why he didn't ask Jess where he was going. "Because he's not two," Luke answers. Lorelai says that Jess is in a town he's never been before and that he could get lost. Luke says that if you take three left turns in Stars Hollow you're back where you started. Lorelai says that Luke is responsible for Jess now. If Jess knocks over a liquor store, Luke can be held responsible. Luke says he's pretty sure that Jess wouldn't have told him if he had plans to knock off a liquor store. Lorelai says that Jess might have admitted it if he was dumb. Jess walks in at this point and tries to make a beeline for the room upstairs. Luke says he'd like to introduce Lorelai. Lorelai gets all chummy, introducing herself, introducing Rory, saying that Rory can show him where all the good wallowing goes on. Jess just stands there as Lorelai keeps talking until she dismisses him. Luke asks whether Jess is hungry, but Jess just hauls ass upstairs. "So, that's Jess," Lorelai says. "Very chatty." Luke makes some excuses, saying that Jess is probably tired and most likely just walked around Stars Hollow and realized that there are twelve stores dedicated to peddling porcelain unicorns. Heh. He says Jess will be okay in a few days. Lorelai invites Luke to bring Jess to dinner tomorrow night as a "Welcome to Stars Hollow" event. She says that Sookie will cook. Shouldn't she ask...never mind. Luke thanks her and says that would be nice. He asks whether she's going to bring up the bed. She says she definitely will.
Rory walks in, sits down, and says, "Oh, my God, I hate her." She starts drinking Lorelai's coffee as Lorelai says she hates her, too. Rory says that Lorelai doesn't know whom she's talking about. "Solidarity, sister," Lorelai says. Rory says that Paris thinks she can torture Rory off the paper, but she can't. She's never met someone with the ability to hold a grudge over nothing for so long, and she's starting to admire her commitment. Lorelai asks whether the first day sucked. Rory says only the paper stuff sucked, and the rest of the day was good. Lorelai awkwardly asks whether Rory ran into Max. Rory lies and says she didn't. Lorelai says she thought Max was Rory's lit teacher. Rory says she sat behind tall people. She admits that she ran into Max, but then ran the other way because she thought that's what Lorelai would have wanted her to do. Lorelai says that just because Max isn't in Lorelai's life anymore, it doesn't mean he can't be in Rory's. Well, he's going to be in Rory's, because he's her teacher, so she has no choice, which is why you weren't supposed to be dating him in the first place, Lorelai, but thanks for caring. I covet Rory's backpack. Lorelai says that she knows everything seems screwed up right now, but she doesn't want Rory to feel uncomfortable or think she has to avoid Max. She apologizes for putting Rory in this position. Good. See? Amy S.-P. always has Lorelai apologizing for her actions, like I was saying before. Rory says she's putting this on her list, which is getting quite long.
Lorelai and Rory leave Luke's as Lorelai tells Rory they're having Luke and Jess over for dinner tomorrow night. Rory asks what Jess is like, and Lorelai explains that Jess won't be subbing on Regis anytime soon.
Luke goes up to his room and finds Jess smoking, idly shuffling some cards. Idly shuffling cards is the most clichéd way to show a teenager is "trouble," by the way. And smoking is number two. Luke asks whether Jess is hungry and Jess announces that Luke has just asked his eighteenth question. The phone rings and it's Liz, Jess's mom. Luke tells her that Jess got there fine. Jess says he got there at ten this morning. Luke tries to hand the phone to Jess, but Jess doesn't want to talk to her. Luke says that Jess will have to call her back because he's helping him do a "shelf thing." Luke hangs up and tells Jess that his stuff should be there by Friday. He says that Liz is trying to do a good thing, here. Jess asks whether Luke wants to play some poker for $5 a hand. Luke protests until Jess gets up to $15 a hand. Luke says he doesn't want to play poker. Jess gives an "okey dokey." Luke tells Jess about dinner at Lorelai's tomorrow, and says that Jess can meet Rory. Jess keeps playing with his deck of cards. He puts out his cigarette and walks out of the room. Luke pouts into commercial.
Chilton. Rory is early for the Franklin meeting this week. Paris walks in and says hello. Rory says she felt so bad about the mix-up last time she wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again. Louisa and Fraulein walk in dripping with gossip. They're discussing who Philllipppe is seeing these days. I can't believe they didn't just say he transferred schools. That might mean he'll guest every once in a while. Cool. Their captain of the lacrosse team is named Madison Maylands, by the way. What's up with that? Louisa compliments Fraulein's gossip skills and suggests that Fraulein run a gossip column in the Franklin. They ask Paris. She responds that this paper's been around for a hundred years. Former editors now work for The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker. One even won a Pulitzer. "But never mind that," she says. She can now revolutionize the paper by creating a column dedicated to "who Biffy's boffing these days." She says it's a quandary and she'll have to get back to Fraulein about it. "Okay," Fraulein says.
The advisor walks in at this point and makes a snide little comment about Rory being on time. She says that the articles are extremely well done and that Paris should be proud of her team. She says, "I mean, when you've got a reporter who can take an incredibly mundane and seemingly unimportant subject like the re-paving of the faculty parking lot and turn it into a bittersweet piece on how everybody and everything eventually becomes obsolete, then you've really got something." The advisor compliments Rory. Rory beams and says she owes it all to Paris. The advisor recommends that Paris give Rory a juicier story time. Paris says she will. The advisor tells everyone to get to work. ["Actually, she said, 'we have a layout to put together' or something to that effect, and Glark the nerdy former newspaper editor yelled, 'No, you've "got a paper to lay out!"'" -- Wing Chun]
Paris walks over to Rory and congratulates her. She says she must be very proud of herself. Rory admits she's not hiding whenever she passes a mirror. Paris says that she wants the best writers writing the best pieces, so she's going to give Rory their best story: front page, over the fold. Rory asks what the catch is. Paris says there isn't one. They have to get an interview from the teacher rated most popular by Chilton students. They want a great interview, so she's giving it to Rory. ["'It's Max,' I said. 'Have you watched TV before?' Glark asked." -- Wing Chun] Rory accepts, and of course the interview is with Mustang Max. Rory starts to protest, and Paris asks whether there's a problem. She says that Rory should be able to get a great interview, since Max is seeing Rory's mother. She asks whether Rory's mother is still seeing Max, and Rory says that her mother's personal life isn't up for discussion. "Oh. That sounds bad," Paris smiles. Rory says it's not bad, but that it's none of Paris's business. Rory says she'll do the interview, and Paris tells Rory to ask deeper questions than what Max's favorite color is. I love Paris.
Sookie's in the kitchen, wondering if she should make grilled cheese in addition to the pot roast, in case Jess doesn't like pot roast. Jackson says there are also chicken wings, mashed potatoes, and four different kinds of salad. Sookie pouts that it's probably enough food. Jackson goes to slice the cheese. Lorelai walks in and compliments all of the food. She opens Rory's door and asks whether Rory's joining them. Rory's at her iBook, and says she'll be ready in a second. Lorelai asks if Rory's crabby. Rory says she's concentrating. "Okay, don't concentrate too hard," Lorelai says. "Boys like 'em dumb. Right, Jackson?" Heh. "If you can navigate yourself around a tree," Jackson says, "keep on walking." Lorelai goes to get the door as Sookie panics that Jess might not like dairy.
Lorelai tells Luke that they just saved Sookie from making even more food. Luke apologizes for being late and says that he and Jess had a misunderstanding about what time they were supposed to leave. Jess cases Lorelai's house and checks out pictures of Rory as Luke tells Lorelai that the bed popped. "Yikes," Lorelai says. She asks whether anyone was in it. Luke was, since he'd let Jess take the bed. Lorelai says that was nice of Luke. They find Jess in the living room and ask him into the kitchen. Jess silently follows.
Lorelai tries to introduce Jess to Sookie and Jackson, but they immediately dork out. Sookie asks whether Jess eats cheese and Jackson starts going on about how this is the best lemon he's ever grown and he wants everyone to try his perfect lemon. Lorelai explains that Jackson grows fruit and then scares people with it. Lorelai tells Rory that company has arrived and Jess sees Rory for the first time. He walks into her bedroom. She says it's nice to meet him. Jess looks over Rory's bookshelf and says, "Wow. Aren't we hooked on phonics?" Rory says she reads a lot. She asks whether he reads. He says he doesn't read that much, and pulls Rory's copy of Howl from the shelf. She offers to loan it to him if he'd like. He shakes his head and turns it down, putting it back on the shelf. Lorelai sticks her head in and says they need to get Jackson away from his lemon so they're moving everything into the living room. Rory tells her that they'll be right there. Jess moves the curtain from Rory's window and asks how it opens. She tells him and he opens it. He asks her to come along. Rory says she's not leaving because there's nothing to do in Stars Hollow on a Tuesday night and Sookie has made lots of food and even though he doesn't know it yet, Jess is going to have a good time. She tells him to trust her. Jess says he doesn't know Rory, so why should he trust her? "Don't I look trustworthy?" Rory asks. "Maybe," he answers. "Okay, good. Let's eat," Rory says, and walks off. Jess stares for a second to fall in love with her and then follows. Rory offers him a soda. He says he'll get it. She leaves the kitchen. Jess opens the fridge and grabs a beer.
Back at the table, everyone's setting down food and plateware as Luke asks where Jess is. Rory says that Jess is in the kitchen and on his way. Lorelai hands Luke a plate of food. He says, "I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for you." "Too much?" Lorelai asks. Sookie says she forgot the garlic bread and Lorelai goes to the kitchen to get it.
In the kitchen Lorelai looks around for Jess. She can't find him, and eventually walks out back. She sees Jess open a bottle of beer. "Oh, for me? Hey, thanks," she says, and takes the beer. She takes a sip and says, "Refreshing." Lorelai asks if Jess isn't hungry. He says he isn't, really. Lorelai assumes that Jess doesn't want to be in Stars Hollow. Jess snarks that this whole place is so golly-darn-gee-terrific, and isn't life swell? Lorelai says that she's done the whole broody-teen thing and troubled-teen thing and angry-teen thing and she did them all very well. "In heels, no less," she adds. Jess puts on his Manson Lamps for this scene. Lorelai says that Luke is a great guy and that he's trying to do his best with Jess and he wants the best for Jess and that Jess is lucky to have Luke. Jess asks whether Lorelai is fucking his uncle, because there's no other reason for her to be fawning all over the place about how great he is. "You're either really naïve, or you're getting some," he says. Lorelai gets offended and says the awkward line about how there are very few times in her life when she's wanted a cream pie to smash into someone's face, but she'd like a cream pie right now. It's like this episode is dubbed and they dubbed "gun" into "cream pie." Jess says that Lorelai's not being very neighborly. Lorelai says this is her house and she can talk however she wants, so ha-ha. Jess says that Lorelai doesn't know him or his mother or Luke, so she should "Dr. Laura" somebody else. Lorelai says she's going inside and tells him to stay out of her fridge.
Back in the kitchen, Luke enters, asking where Jess is. "Outside working on his Breakfast Club audition," Lorelai says. Best line of the episode. She tells him that Jess is "way more screwed up than [he] thinks he is." Luke asks what she said to him. She says that she told him he had a good thing going here and then he blew up. Luke asks what Lorelai is doing talking to Jess about things like that. Lorelai says she's trying to help Luke. Luke says he doesn't need Lorelai's help. Lorelai says that he does. Luke says that he doesn't want to hear this crap about him not being prepared. Lorelai says that this is the truth, and not crap. They put a cue card near the camera or someone interesting walked on the set right here because Lauren Graham looks right over and stares at the camera just then. I have it on pause and she's making eye contact with me. Luke says he knows what he's doing and he's tired of Lorelai being so condescending. He says that just because Lorelai has a kid doesn't mean she knows everything. Lorelai says that because she has a kid, she knows a little more than Luke does. Luke says that maybe Lorelai just got lucky with Rory. Getting pregnant at sixteen doesn't show a lot of good judgment skills, he adds. Lorelai wishes aloud for two pies. She tells him he won't have to hear her opinion on anything ever again. "Oh, don't tease," Luke says. Lorelai tells him to go find Jess, and he tells her she's not the boss of him. They storm off as we fade to commercial.
This is long, y'all. Okay. Luke's. Rory and Lorelai are standing outside Luke's. Rory tells Lorelai that she's being childish ("Am not!" Lorelai argues) and that they can't just ignore Luke for the rest of their lives. Rory says they'll starve without Luke's diner. Lorelai says it was a bad fight and that it wasn't Nick and Nora but rather Sid and Nancy. Rory says it's Danish day and they need to get their Danish. Lorelai tells Rory to go in and get two coffees and two Danish to go. "Scoot, scoot," she says. "Mommy's right here."
Rory walks up to the counter and orders. Luke asks whether one of the Danish is for Lorelai. Rory lies and says that they're all for her. She says she's really hungry today. Luke says that if Rory's that hungry she can sit and drink her coffee and eat her Danish and once she's finished an entire Danish he'll bring over her second one. Rory asks if he really wants to stand and watch her eat a Danish. Luke says that the cable is out and he's starved for entertainment. Rory says that the fight was no big deal and they should make up on Danish Day, the happiest of all days. Luke offers one Danish and one cup of coffee. Rory takes it and tells Luke he's being silly. He thanks her for sharing.
Outside, Rory says that Luke knew she was lying and only gave her one. Lorelai accuses Rory of doing the "blinking thing" which gives away that she's lying. Rory tells Lorelai to go in the diner and make up. Lorelai asks for half of Rory's coffee and Danish. Rory gives the Danish but keeps the coffee. Lorelai says there's no point in that. The Danish is lonely and sad. Rory leaves for the bus. Some kid walks by and Lorelai gets all weird. "Hey, kid! Come here!"
Inside the diner, Luke sees the kid pry his sleeve out of Lorelai's grip and haul ass down the street. She looks inside the diner and pouts. Luke shakes his head and then answers his ringing phone. It's Taylor. He's upset about something. Luke asks how he knows it was Jess. He says he'll talk to Jess, but if he says he didn't do it, then he's off the hook.
Chilton. Rory pauses before walking into Mustang Max's office. They get awkward, and she asks if she's too early and if she should come back tomorrow. They agree that it's weird and they don't know how to act. They sit. Rory says that Barbara Walters sits, but walks if the person she's interviewing has a horse or farm or big back yard, but she usually sits. Rory sits and takes out a tape player. She says she should just dive right in. She asks his full name. "Max Arturo Medina." Not "Maxwell"? He says his father's butcher was named Arturo and when his mother was pregnant with him, she wanted lamb chops all the time, so Arturo would give his mother the biggest lamb chops but only charge her for the regular ones, which made him a saint in the Medina home. Rory reminds Max that he's been voted the favorite teacher at Chilton. He says that he's glad the students like him as much as he likes them. Rory goes all James Lipton on Max and asks what he'd like to be if he weren't a teacher. He says his father wanted him to be a doctor and his mother wanted him to be the President and he wanted to be a clown. He says that when he was a kid, he went to the circus and saw a juggling clown and saw how everyone loved him and he wanted to be a clown until junior high because when you tell people you want to be a clown they get very nervous. Tell me about it. I stopped talking to this guy I know once he started taking classes to be a clown. He got married to a girl he met at the circus and they had a clown wedding. I didn't go because I knew I'd have nightmares. Rory tells a story about how Lorelai took her to the circus once and a clown accidentally knocked over her cotton candy. They didn't have a lot of money so they couldn't get another cotton candy, so Rory started crying and Lorelai chased the clown onstage, ripped off his wig, and said he couldn't have it back until he bought Rory another cotton candy. The clown bought one twice as big as the original and Rory puked the whole way home. Max smiles and says that sounds like Rory's mother. Rory asks whether he regrets not becoming a clown. Max says he doesn't really believe in regrets. He says everything that happens, even the stuff that doesn't happen the way he wanted it to turn out, is worth it. Rory turns off her tape recorder and says she wanted him to be her stepfather. He sighs and says he really wanted to be her stepfather. They smile and sigh and Rory turns the tape back on. She asks what kinds of challenges face high school students today. Max starts talking as we fade out of the scene. Y'all, I liked Max in that scene. It must be the Lorelai/Max thing that I don't like.
Luke waits outside Jess's high school. Jess walks by reading, and Luke storms up. He asks how Jess's first day was. Jess snarks about all of the gold stars he got. Luke says that Taylor called today and accused Jess of stealing money out of the bridge fund donation cup at the store. Luke says he told Taylor he was crazy and that Jess wouldn't do such a thing. Jess has some nice pecs and I hope he has to take off his shirt soon. ["I will say that in that insanely tight shirt, he looked a little...well, gay." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that if Jess says it's not true, then Luke will believe it's not true. Jess says it's not true, and Luke says Jess wasn't very convincing. Jess turns and asks Luke what he wants from him. He's been taken away from his home and his friends and he's at this school where they say the pledge of allegiance in six different languages, two of which he's never heard of before. Luke says he's trying to help him. Jess tells him to stop trying, stop helping, stop talking, and stop being around. Luke is yelling now and asks Jess whether that's really what Jess wants. Jess says it is. Luke asks again, and Jess repeats that's what he wants. Luke says, "No problem," and stops talking to him. They walk away without saying a word. As they cross a bridge, Luke pushes Jess on the arm and Jess falls into a pond. That would have been so much funnier if it hadn't been in every promo this week.
Lorelai finds Rory studying in the kitchen. Lorelai says that she can't find anyone in Stars Hollow other than Luke who makes a good cup of coffee, and that it's a coffee conspiracy. Rory tells Lorelai she should just dump some water in the bag of coffee grounds. Lorelai admits that the thought crossed her mind. Rory walks into her room to get notes. Lorelai asks what Rory's working on. Rory explains that she had to interview Max because Paris knew that Lorelai and Max broke up. Rory says that it wasn't bad and it allowed the two of them to work some things out. Rory excuses herself to go buy a folder for the report. Lorelai is reading the interview, and compliments Rory's writing. Rory says she knows it's not quite as good as the pavement piece. Lorelai calls Max a hell of a guy. Rory agrees that he is. "I sure know how to dump 'em, don't I?" Lorelai quietly asks herself.
There's a knocking at the back door. It's Luke. He says he just pushed Jess in the lake. He tells Lorelai what just happened. Lorelai asks whether Jess can swim. Luke says that Lorelai was right, and Luke's in so deep he can't even see his own hat. Lorelai suggests he turn the hat around. Luke asks how this all happened. Lorelai explains that Luke saw a kid who needed some help and thought he could do something to help him. Luke says he doesn't even like kids, and that kids are always sticky, like they have jam on their hands even if there isn't any jam in the house, and he's not the kind of person who can deal with jam hands. Okay, that's the second best line in the episode. Jam hands. That's my problem with kids, too. I don't like Lorelai's shirt. She says that Jess is past the jam-hands stage but that this is harder than just buying a bed and sheets. Luke says he's going to kill Liz. Lorelai says that this is past Liz and that he's got to deal with Jess now. Babette barges in here and apologizes. She asks Lorelai if she's seen Pierpont. That's her lawn gnome. The one with the pipe. Babette warbles that she's had these gnomes so long it's like they're children. She adds that she can hear them talking to her at night. Luke says he bets she'll see Pierpont again very soon. He goes to the front door and excuses himself. He asks Lorelai whether he'll see her tomorrow at the diner for her Danish. She says that tomorrow isn't Danish Day, but that he'll see her anyway.
Luke's room. He walks over to Jess and dumps out the gum, the patch, Chinese herbs, self-help tapes, and other things to help Jess quit smoking, including pictures of diseased lungs for the fridge. Luke tells Jess that he will get up, go to school, get home, and work at the diner until closing, do his homework and then go to bed. Ooh, having Jess at the diner all night is going to make Rory have to see him often. Luke says that weekends are for chores and selected activities. "You will not steal," he says. He says that Jess will have to pay Taylor back the money. He hands Pierpont over to Jess and tells him to return the gnome to Babette with an apology. He says he's not letting Jess fall off the face of the Earth, and this is the end of the discussion. Jess stands up and walks to the door. Luke asks where he's going. "Out," Jess says before he slams the door. "Well, at least I asked," Luke says.
Jess finds Rory in the street. She just bought a folder for her Max interview. They walk together. She says it was quite a disappearing act he pulled the other night. "Too cool for school, huh?" she asks. "Yes, that is me," Jess says. She asks what he's doing. He shows her a quarter and makes it disappear. She tells him that if he ever wants to talk to her again, he won't pull that out of her ear or any other orifice. I love this show. He asks what she's doing now. She's off to do homework. He hands her a copy of Howl. She says she was going to loan him her copy. He says it is her copy. He borrowed it. She says that it's not borrowing; it's a felony. He says he made some notes in the margins. He'd better be kidding. He's not. Now I hate him. You don't steal someone's favorite book and write all over it to prove that you're some kind of smarty pants. For some reason, Rory's all interested and thinks Danger Boy's keen because he's read some Ginsberg. Whatever. I'd be yelling, demanding a new copy. ["I might have been impressed if he were conversant with a Brontë -- I don't even care which." -- Wing Chun] She calls him "Dodger." He asks what that's about. She tells him to figure it out. It's not hard to know she's talking about the Artful Dodger, and he calls out "Oliver Twist." She's pleased and walks off. Dammit. CuteDean! Hurry!
week Rory has a debutante ball and I think Lorelai's got two escorts.