The Third Lorelai

We open with Rory, Lorelai, and Emily sitting at the Friday dinner table. Emily says that everyone is quiet this evening. Lorelai apologizes and says she's tired. Rory says she's tired, too. School and work and all. Emily takes a second and then says it's ridiculous that three intelligent women wouldn't have anything to talk about. She says that the Kennedy clan used to have lively discussions every night, quizzing each other about world events. Emily says that someone at the table must have something interesting to say. Lorelai asks if Emily knows that a "butt model" makes ten thousand dollars a day. Rory giggles. Emily moans, "Camelot is truly dead."

Richard walks in with "wonderful news." Emily shouts and asks for a plate for Richard. Richard says he just got off the phone. As he sits down at the head of the table, Emily starts fixing his place setting, calling for his food to come faster. As she starts to put his napkin on his lap, Richard stops her and says he's perfectly capable of taking care of it himself. Emily apologizes and sits down. Richard says he just got off the phone. Lorelai asks if he was talking to God. Richard says he was talking long distance to London. Lorelai asks if God lives in London. Richard says his mother lives in London. Lorelai asks if his mother is God. She then goes on about how happy she is to finally have proof that God is a woman and that she's related to God and it's just as not funny here as it was on television. Sometimes they just give her ramblings that aren't even very amusing and make her sound like she's eight. "I'm gonna totally ask for favors," Lorelai says while eating. "Make her stop," Richard asks Rory. "Oh, that I could," Rory moans. Emily gets the conversation back on track. Oh, man, this show is talky-talky, guys. Here, it's easier to write the teleplay back to you than fill it with descriptions. Richard: "She's fine. She sends her love and she's coming to visit." Emily: "What?" Lorelai: "You're kidding." Emily: "When?" Rory: "I'm gonna get to meet my great-grandma?" Richard: "Lorelai the First." Emily: "When?" Lorelai: "I was named after her." (We know that, Lorelai.) Rory: "I figured." Emily: "Richard, when?" Richard: "You're going to love her. My mother is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant." Lorelai: "We share that also." Emily: "I'm asking a question, here. Does no one hear me? Am I suddenly invisible?" Richard asks what her question was again. Emily asks when again. Richard says a week from today. Richard starts telling Rory how great it's going to be to meet the first Lorelai as Emily excuses herself from the table. Lorelai says that being related to God is going to make scoring Madonna tickets much easier. Everyone gives her the "wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaah" face as we go to the opening credits.

Lorelai walks down the stairs in Emily's house. Emily is freaking out in the living room unpacking boxes. Lorelai asks what's going on as she excuses herself to two large ceramic dogs standing in the living room. Emily explains that she has to pull out thirty-five years' worth of bad gifts that Richard's mother has sent. "Stupid naked angels with theirbutts!" Lorelai is enjoying this, and can't help giggling at Emily's frustrations. "'Stupid naked angel butts?' What, did David Mamet just stop by?" Emily asks Lorelai to leave. Lorelai tells Emily to calm down, but Emily has too many items to still uncover and she can't remember where everything is. Lorelai says that Lorelai I probably won't remember everything she ever gave her. Emily says that Lorelai I will remember everything "down to the last shrimp fork." She asks if Lorelai knows why. Lorelai admits that she doesn't know, and then asks the ceramic dogs if they know why. "Because she doesn't just give you a present, she gives you a present. Then she tells you where to put it, how to use it, what it costs (for insurance purposes, of course). And God forbid you should have a different opinion or you don't think it works in the space or you just get tired of waking up every morning with those horrifying animals staring at you." Lorelai turns to the dogs and says, "She's just upset." Emily yells at her to stop talking to the dogs. Lorelai says she's never seen Emily "freak out" before. Emily says she has. She was twelve. It was the last time Lorelai I came to visit. Lorelai offers to help. Emily snaps a "No," then takes a breath and says, "Please." Lorelai helps grab a large rug and asks where it goes. "Third floor," Emily says. Lorelai offers to take it to the second floor. Emily says it's going to the third floor. "How 'bout the first floor on a ladder?" Lorelai quips. I just used the word "quip." This show has forever changed me.

It's evening. Rory and Lorelai are driving. Rory asks to hear more about Lorelai I. Lorelai admits that she doesn't know much about her. What's strange here is that Lorelai has said that she named Rory after herself because women never name their kids after themselves, but here's Lorelai named after her grandmother. Shouldn't Rory be a "Third" of some kind? Lorelai says that Lorelai I moved to London when her husband died. Once a year Richard and Emily would go to visit her, usually leaving Lorelai behind (much to her delight). Lorelai says she gets the rest of the stuff from stories. Rory says that she reminds Richard of her. Lorelai says that's the biggest compliment Rory could ever get out of "Grumpy McFarland." Rory hopes that Lorelai I will like her. Lorelai says she'll love her. Rory hopes that Lorelai I and Emily will get along. Lorelai repeats that Lorelai I will love Rory.

Chilton. Paris is holding court in front of a group of classmates, discussing their fictional town's government. No one is listening to her. Paris is going on and on about the differences in the Elizabethan government and the government that they are creating. Fraulein asks Louisa whether Paris knows this is a fictional government. Louisa admits she's too scared to ask. Paris says that there should be a king and a queen. She offers up Rory and Philllipppe. Rory and Philllipppe immediately decline. Rory says she doesn't want to be queen. "Me either," says Philllipppe. "King. I don't want to be king." Rory says that Paris could be queen. Paris says she's going to be the head of Parliament, and can't be queen. Rory says she can be both, since it's their government. Paris says it's not done that way. Rory says that Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldn't allow divorce. "He also cut off his wife's head," Paris snots. "Is he still your role model?" Rory says they have an opportunity to make any kind of government they want. "Why won't you be queen?" Paris asks. Fraulein holds up her hand and offers to be queen. It's settled. Fraulein's queen and Philllipppe is king. Louisa sluts that she'll be the lady-in-waiting. She says she'll wear a low-cut blue velvet dress. Paris says that's not a political office. "No," Louisa keeps on slutting. "But they get all the sex." "What?" Paris asks incredulously. "Watch a movie," Louisa drones. I really can't stand her. Paris complains that she can't get anyone to care about this project as much as she does. Louisa says she'll hold an actual office as long as she still gets to wear her velvet outfit. Paris has secured the classroom to work all weekend so that they'll be ready on Monday. The rest of the group isn't very happy with this decision. This also means that it's already Friday again. One week just flew by. Paris hands out an outline and says they'll get together at nine the morning. She reminds everyone not to be late. "Wow. She designed the flag," someone says as the class is dismissed.

Out in the hallway Paris finds Rory and asks what's going on between her and Philllipppe. Rory says it's nothing. Paris says they seem weird around each other. Rory says it's no weirder than usual. Paris: "I disagree." Rory: "You usually do." Paris says she finds it strange that Rory didn't want to be queen. Rory says that not all girls want to be queen: "Even Barbie ended up being a stewardess." Paris tells her to read the "manifesto," because she wants to hear Rory's thoughts. Rory says her first thought is to lose the word "manifesto." "Too cabin in the woods?" Paris asks. "Don't open your mail," Rory answers. Paris offers to change it to "doctrine," and Rory agrees that's better.

Rory can't find something in her bag so she goes back into the classroom. Philllipppe is standing right there holding her notebook. "Uh, you left this," he stammers. Rory thanks him and takes it back. They start to walk out of the room at the same time and almost get stuck in the doorway. They both stop and step back a few steps. Rory says that could have been a "potential Marx Brothers moment." Philllipppe tells her to go first. Rory starts to leave but turns back around to say she thinks they need to talk. They waited two weeks to talk about this? Wait, no, just under two weeks. Two Saturdays ago. Philllipppe plays like he doesn't know what she's talking about, but he's all nervous and has somehow lost his smarmy charm. Rory says they have a lot of work ahead of them and another two and a half years of being in the same school and she wouldn't want it to be weird. She says it might be good to talk about it. Philllipppe agrees. They almost walk out the door at the same time again, but Rory says she's going to go first. "Right," Philllipppe nervously stammers and laughs.

Lorelai has gotten herself some fancy-pants Apple monitor for the Independence Inn front desk. Unfortunately she doesn't know what she's doing and it's causing the machine to kick off the Television Representation of System Errors, which is a large box in the corner of the screen that beeps and makes horrible noises. Michel is telling Lorelai that she must have done something wrong. Lorelai says she did what she always does when she's pulling up reservations for the month, but this time nothing happened. Michel asks if she typed in the name. Lorelai says she did. Michel asks if she picked the April file. Lorelai says she did. Michel asks if she double-clicked on "confirmation." Lorelai says she did. Michel asks if she's sure. Lorelai says she's sure she double-clicked. "You clicked twice?" Michel asks again. "No, I double-clicked, but I didn't click twice," Lorelai smarms. "Because to successfully double-click, you must click twice," Michel Frenches. Lorelai says she knows what a double-click is. Michel says that if she did, they wouldn't be having this conversation. Lorelai threatens to pinch Michel. He shoves her out of the way and takes control of the machine. He says he can't fix it if he doesn't know what she's done. Michel types a couple of things in and the system error box pops up again. "Ooh, what's that?" Lorelai teases. "That flashy red thing!" Michel says he doesn't know. "Ooh, it happened when you pushed something funky!" Lorelai says. Michel says he pushed "nothing funky." "You have the funk, my friend," Lorelai says. Luckily the phone rings here before Lorelai can tell Michel he has the funk of forty thousand years.

Trix says that since the last time she saw Lorelai she's grown up, gotten pregnant out of wedlock, raised a child and still hasn't "bothered" to get married. She asks if she left anything out. Lorelai says that she also got her ears pierced in that time. Trix says she's always hated scandal but has always appreciated self-sufficiency. She asks Lorelai how she supports Rory. Lorelai says she runs an inn. Trix asks if it's hard work. Lorelai says it is. "Good," Trix says. "Hard work is good for a woman. Makes her stronger. I admire people who enjoy hard work." Suddenly Trix is becoming a little Southern in her fancy pants. Emily returns with a bowl of nuts. "Thank you, Emily," Trix says. She holds out her arms. "I suppose I could just put these nuts in my hands." Emily puts down the bowl and says she'll be right back. Lorelai asks when was the last time she saw Trix. "You were still in your teens. Wild hair flying everywhere. I see you've taken care of that." Lorelai says she joined a support group. Trix: "That was a joke." Lorelai: "Yes, it was." Trix: "Very good." Lorelai: "Thank you." Emily returns with a tray of plateware and Trix announces that it's time to go to the dining room. She asks Richard to escort her. He does. Emily says that she doesn't think dinner is ready yet. Trix turns around and says, "Well, perhaps our presence in the dining room will teach your help that when one is told dinner is at seven, people often expect dinner to be at seven." Emily whines, "But it's only five after, Mom!" Trix turns to Richard and says, "Richard. In the event that I'm kidnapped and a ransom is demanded at a certain time I would prefer that Emily not be in charge of the drop-off." Richard giggles and escorts his mother into the dining room. Everyone else follows, leaving Emily alone in the living room holding her tray of plateware.

Dinner. Rory compliments Emily on the food. "Very good, young lady," Trix says. "We all believed you." Emily shoots a death-glare to Trix. Trix asks Rory where she goes to school. Rory says Chilton. Richard says that Rory is in the top ten percent of her class. Emily says they are all proud of her and that she's going to Harvard. This does not sit well with Trix, as Richard was a Yale man, and Rory should then be going to Yale. Lorelai says that they'd like Rory to decide on her own what kind of man she wants to be. Good for Lorelai, as she's the only one that doesn't mind speaking up to Trix. "That's enough jokes for this evening, Lorelai," Trix says with a squint, and I like Trix again for being the only one that won't put up with Lorelai's constant jokes. Trix asks how Lorelai is paying for Rory's education. Emily and Richard say that they are helping out. Lorelai says it's just a temporary loan. Trix tosses her silverware down and announces she's done eating. She says that tomorrow she's planning the menu. She explains to Rory that when you live in Europe you learn something about food. Emily would like to kick this woman back to Europe in a Cornish game hen. Rory says she can't come to dinner tomorrow because she's studying for a project on Monday. She's studying from nine in the morning until past dinner? Trix says that Lorelai will have to tell her all about it. "I will. I promise," Lorelai says through gritted teeth. Emily asks if Trix is going to have any dessert. Trix answers with: "I once traveled to a small village in Cambodia. I did not eat dessert there, either."

Lorelai finds Rory studying in the living room and declares a five-minute talking break while she changes. Rory follows her upstairs. Lorelai says that her day included a leak on the third floor. "Lots of things going 'squish' that should not be squishing." Is that a shout-out? She's late for dinner. She holds out dresses. Rory picks one. Lorelai asks if Rory's sure she can't go. Rory says she has to study or Paris will kill her if she's unprepared. She tells Lorelai that if things go well tonight, though, she's probably going to be treated a little bit better. She admits that she set up Paris and Philllipppe on a date. Lorelai gives Rory the Ricky treatment, telling her she shouldn't be messing with other people. Lorelai says she wants details tomorrow. She asks how she looks. Rory tells her she looks beautiful. Lorelai grabs her shoes and runs downstairs. She tells Rory she left ten dollars for her and defrosted a chocolate cake. She says she'll be home early. Rory tells her not to be mean to Emily. Lorelai calls Rory a broken record and leaves.

Rory sits studying, eating chocolate cake out of the tin. There's a knock at the door. Rory answers. It's Paris. She's holding a pile of clothes. She says, "I don't know what to wear." Rory: "Ever?" Paris says she's not prepared for this. She doesn't haunt the malls all day looking for that one fabulous top. She studies, and then she thinks about studying some more, and then she studies more. Rory asks if Paris wants to come in. She does. She says that she only has one lipstick at home and it's barely even a color. She bought it because it doesn't even look like she's wearing lipstick. I love how Paris's voice is all warbly, like she's going to grow up to be Babette. She says to date, you need that fabulous little top and lipstick that you can tell you're wearing. Rory asks her to put the pile of clothes down. Paris reminds Rory that she once told her that if she ever needed to come talk to someone she could talk to her. So she's here. Rory asks why Paris didn't go to Louisa or Fraulein. Paris says that although they understand fashion, they don't understand how to keep her calm when she's freaking out and feeling like she's going to puke everywhere. Rory starts going through the clothes. Paris says she brought everything in case there was hidden potential. Rory says that Paris makes a well-dressed widow. Paris says she's not going on the date. Rory says she is. Rory asks if these are all of Paris' clothes. They are, except for her school outfits and her bat mitzvah dress, which has Menorahs on it. Rory takes her upstairs to the "one-stop shopping store."

Inside Lorelai's room Paris says she can't wear Rory's mother's clothes. Rory says she does it all the time. Rory holds out a blouse. Paris says, "My mother says the color pink makes my head look small." I love that. Paris wonders why Philllipppe would ask her out in the first place. "Why would he not do that?" Rory counters. Paris says he only dates those "Most Likely To Become a Trophy Wife." Rory says that Philllipppe would be lucky to go out with someone like Paris. He won't have to explain the menu or explain that the dancing trashcans in the movie previews aren't real. "It's going to be much less stressful," Rory smiles. Paris says she's been waiting for this to happen for so long and now that it has happened she doesn't know how she feels. She admits she doesn't have much dating experience. "I mean, you can't put it on your transcript, what's the point, you know?" Rory says that before CuteDean she never had a boyfriend or even a kiss before. She says she never even thought about dating. "Then you met Dean," Paris says. "Yeah," Rory says. She says he was special and nice and made her completely nauseous. She says she couldn't even talk around him. Paris says she saw them at the dance together and they didn't seem to have a hard time talking. Rory says that it took a while to be comfortable around him. It got easier the more time she spent with him. "Do you miss him a lot?" Paris asks. "Yeah," Rory says all cute. "A lot a lot." I know, Rory. I miss him, too. Rory says that tonight is about Paris, though, so they should concentrate on her date. She holds up a black miniskirt and some sort of scary Gloria Estefan blouse thing. Paris says it's great. Rory tells her to put it on. Paris whips off the leather blouse and exposes a maroon tank top underneath. Rory tells Paris where the bathroom is and says she's going to find some lipstick to match. I'm not sure that Paris is wearing a bra. In any event, that girl doesn't need a waterbra, that's for sure. Rory walks over to Paris's leather thing and finds some note cards that have fallen out. She reads them and then walks to the bathroom.

Through the door she asks what the cards are for. Paris says they are notes for tonight. Some reference points in case she runs out of things to talk about with Philllipppe. Rory asks if she can suggest that Paris leave out the card about the Spanish Inquisition. "Not very romantic?" Rory: "Not really." Paris says she's dressed. Rory asks how it looks. "Bad," Paris says. Rory says she doesn't trust Paris' opinion on this subject. She asks Paris to open the door and come out of the bathroom. She says she will, but she looks bad. Paris opens the door. I don't know. This outfit is way too old for her, I think. And someone gave her some tights. Rory says she looks great. Paris says she feels weird. "Weird works for you, because you look amazing," Rory says. Maybe it's just Paris's slouching problem. Paris asks if Rory promises she looks good. Rory says she swears to God. Paris asks if Rory is an atheist, because that affects the entire validity of saying she swears to God. Rory says she wouldn't tell Paris that she looks good if she didn't. Paris says she'll wear it. She thanks Rory. Rory stops her and hands her some lipstick. Paris asks if Rory is going to hold this over her head for the rest of her life. "Probably," Rory says. Paris takes the lipstick and leaves. Rory is pleased with herself.

The dinner. It's quiet and you can hear the clock ticking. The help is standing in the doorway, waiting for orders. Trix asks Lorelai what she thought of the rabbit. Lorelai says she thought it was wonderful. Trix says she brought it over herself from London. She packed it in dry ice. I don't know. Aren't we supposed to not eat any animals from over there right now? Trix says that dinner is finished and Emily is just out-of-her-mind unpleased. Richard says they should retire to the living room for a brandy. They do. Trix asks Lorelai to walk with her. She says she has something she'd like to discuss. She says she was thinking about how Lorelai had to borrow money from her parents to pay for Rory's school. She says that lending money is a "dirty business." She doesn't like it. She says she came into town to check up on some family investments and to talk with lawyers. She's making a trust fund for Rory. She says that normally she'd set up the fund so Rory would have access to the money when she's twenty-five. But considering the situation, she could set up the fund so that Rory has the money now to pay for Chilton. Lorelai is touched, and says it's very generous of Trix to do this. Richard says that Trix is a very special woman. "You talk about me like I'm dead," Trix says. Richard says that Trix is never going to die: "You're too stubborn." Lorelai says that she doesn't know what to say. Trix says she shouldn't say anything right now. She's arranged for tea tomorrow, before she leaves, for Lorelai, Emily, and herself and she can say the right things then. Trix excuses herself to bed. Richard goes to walk her.

Lorelai tells Emily that it's "certainly a bomb" that Trix just dropped. Emily agrees. Lorelai says she should be getting home. She thanks her for dinner. Emily sits for a second and then stops Lorelai. She says that Lorelai shouldn't accept the money. Lorelai says of course she's accepting the money. Emily says she doesn't think it's a good idea because Rory is very young. She says that Rory won't know how to manage that money. Lorelai says she'll help her. Emily tells her that she doesn't know how to manage the money either. Emily says this could be a very bad thing. She tells Lorelai that she's always bragging about the special relationship that she has with Rory and if this money comes into the picture that relationship will be ruined because Rory won't need her anymore. Money means freedom. Lorelai says that there are some things Rory still needs her for. Emily says that Rory won't need her for anything anymore because she can pay for things on her own. Lorelai says that every relationship isn't about money. Emily says that Rory will move out as soon as she can. Lorelai doesn't think that's a big deal. Emily says that Rory won't need help getting through college or buying a car. Lorelai tells Emily to say goodnight to Richard for her. Emily says that Rory doesn't have to wait to backpack across Europe with Lorelai. She can pay to go herself. And she can take a friend or a boyfriend. Lorelai says that Rory wants to go with her. "Well, now of course she does. She doesn't have options." Lorelai says she doesn't want to hear it anymore and she's leaving. "It's terrible not to be needed," Emily says out the door. Lorelai keeps walking and Emily shuts the door.

Lorelai comes home and finds Rory asleep on her bed covered in her books. She takes the books from Rory's grip and tucks her in bed. She looks at Rory's Harvard folder. She looks around the room at the posters Rory has of different countries. She puts the folder down and pouts out of the room. Now, suddenly we have lots of commercials. Where were these the first half of the show?

That silly Troubadour walks through Stars Hollow, holding onto a shred of a dream. Still not finding him charming or endearing or necessary. Sookie is celebrating Lorelai's good fortune. Lorelai is buying some flowers. Sookie asks what Rory said when Lorelai told her. Lorelai says she didn't tell her yet. She was sleeping and she didn't want to bother her. Sookie says that for that much money, you wake her up. Lorelai says that Rory's been working really hard on her paper and she's going to tell her tonight. Sookie says she should call her now or page her or page her and have her call Sookie's cell phone and they can answer it singing "The Money Song" from Cabaret. She says that Lorelai will be Liza and she'll be Joel. Lorelai moans that she doesn't want to bother Rory at school. I can't believe Rory had to go all the way back to Chilton on a Sunday. She lives too far away for that crap. Lorelai tries to decide if carnations are tacky or retro. "You don't want to tell her," Sookie says. Lorelai says she thinks she does. Sookie says she understands the hesitation. "I mean, who wants to be the bearer of good news?" Lorelai tells Sookie how Emily cornered her last night and said that Rory won't want her anymore. Sookie says that Emily just doesn't want to lose any control of Lorelai. "She wants you permanently obligated to her," she says. Lorelai says she knows that. Sookie asks if she believes what Emily said. Lorelai says it's possible that the money could change their relationship. She knows that freedom changes things. She says she knows this is crazy but Emily's words have gotten to her. Sookie says she should tell Rory about the money and then she'll see that it's not going to change anything. Lorelai says she doesn't want Rory to go to Europe without her. Sookie promises that she won't. Lorelai notices the time and says she has to go. She's late for tea.

Richard and Emily are going at it. Richard: "You're hysterical. I can't talk to you when you're hysterical." Emily says he makes her hysterical. She says she wants him to get Trix to take the offer back. She says she's put up with a lot from that woman over the years. Richard asks her to keep her voice down. Emily says that Trix has gone too far. Richard doesn't want to insult his mother. Emily says she doesn't care if Trix is mean to her or looks down on her. She doesn't care of Trix thinks that she's tarnished the Gilmore name. She's given up hope of getting into her good graces. "But that woman is horrible and selfish and she can not get away with this. I won't let her." Richard says this is his mother she's talking about. Emily says it is his mother, the woman who stepped in and ruined the good thing they had going with Rory and Lorelai. "She'll never come back here, you know." Richard says that Trix will come back. "Lorelai," Emily corrects. "If she gets that money, Lorelai will never come back here. She won't have to." Richard seems to finally understand, but Trix interrupts. "I've ordered a car. Women shouldn't drive." Ew. She asks if Emily is ready. Emily says she is. She slowly gets up as Richard looks at her. They share a look. "I shall die soon, you know," Trix says from the other room. Emily leaves.