We open with the perfect picture: CuteDean arriving at the door with his arms full of food. Mmm. He sits to Lorelai and Rory and asks what they're watching. It's The Donna Reed Show. Rory asks what's in the bag CuteDean brought. It's salad. CuteDean explains that it's "a quaint dish that's sometimes used to proceed large quantities of pizza." He answers the silence by adding that it's for him. Lorelai is wearing a baseball-sleeved shirt that says "Heavy Metal Rules." CuteDean asks who Donna Reed is. Lorelai: "The quintessential '50s mom with the perfect '50s family?" Rory: "Never without a smile and high heels?" Lorelai: "Hair that if you hit it with a hammer would crack?" CuteDean: "So...it's a show?" Rory: "It's a lifestyle." Lorelai: "It's a religion." Rory says that her favorite episode is when Jeff comes home from school, "and nothing happens." Lorelai says her favorite episode is when Mary gets a part-time job, "and nothing happens." CuteDean asks what the current episode is about. Lorelai explains that Donna's husband, Alex, comes home late for dinner and he didn't call. "Might as well kick the dog, too," Rory chimes in. We watch Rory and Lorelai MST3K the episode, filling in the lines for Donna and her family. They joke about how the mother and the daughter wash windows together and accidentally think impure thoughts and then punish themselves for it. They talk in sweet sing-song voices at each other and laugh. CuteDean remarks that they aren't even listening to the dialogue. Rory says that theirs is better. That's true. CuteDean forks his salad and says, "I don't know. It all seems...kinda nice to me." Apparently CuteDean is about as smart as a box of hair, because I don't know what person on this planet would ever think for a second that his sentence was an appropriate choice for the Gilmore home. Lorelai asks CuteDean to explain. He says he thinks that families hanging out together with "the wife cooking dinner for her husband" seems really nice. He adds that Donna seems happy. "She's medicated," Lorelai says. Rory points out that Donna is acting from a script. "Written by a man," Lorelai monotones. "Well said, Sister Suffragette," Rory cheers. CuteDean asks what if Donna likes doing this stuff for her family. He finally sees the "you've got to be kidding, you stupid boy" looks he's getting from the Gilmore girls and decides to keep his mouth shut. On the television, Donna tells Alex that the first ten years of their marriage she was upset that he'd been late for dinner, but that she isn't anymore because she now knows he's not late for dinner, he's just extremely early for breakfast. Lorelai and Rory shoot femme-darts into CuteDean's head. CuteDean says he's not saying a word. Lorelai and Rory give satisfied smiles as the opening credits kick in.
That Damn Donna Reed
“ Luke asks for clarification on what constitutes a painting song. Lorelai plays the spoons and makes up a song that goes to the tune of '9 to 5': 'Grab your brush and grab your rollers, all you kids and all you bowlers. We're going painting today.' Wayne Brady runs past with tears streaming down his face. 'It's not that easy!' he screams. ”
Lorelai and Rory walk into Luke's diner. Rory asks whether brains can hurt. Lorelai says that hypochondriacs' brains hurt all the time. Rory says that, the night before when she was studying, she heard her brain make a "ping" noise. Lorelai asks for clarification and Rory eventually says it was more like a "dink." Lorelai and Rory debate the difference between a "ping" and a "dink" until they agree that neither is probably a good sign. Rory asks whether she should call a tumor doctor. Lorelai says that, considering all the studying Rory does, she probably doesn't have a brain tumor, but that her eyesight might be deteriorating. Luke walks up. Lorelai asks whether he can take "a little constructive criticism." Luke assures her that he can't. She says she thinks the diner needs to be "spruced up" a bit. Luke says that he doesn't "spruce." Lorelai asks for clarification. Cardigan Man, at the counter, butts in to say that the town's Beautification Committee has been asking Luke to put a coat of paint or flowers or a "peppy, little cardboard pig" that announces specials up in the place for years, but Luke won't have it. Cardigan Man tells Lorelai that she might as well forget about it, as he has. Luke says that he finally agrees on a position Cardigan Man has taken. Cardigan Man starts preaching about how important it is to keep the town looking nice so that bad people don't move in, because that's when you get trouble. "Right here in River City," Lorelai finishes, pounding on the table. Luke asks whether anyone wants anything. Lorelai says that she wants to know why Luke won't paint the diner. He tells her that he can't afford to shut the place down for a day to paint it, and that he doesn't want to paint it in the middle of the night because he hates painting. Lorelai says that she'll help him paint, because she loves to paint. She wants to marry painting. Luke is disgusted. Rory tells Luke that Lorelai also loves to do dishes: "She's multi-faceted abnormal." Lorelai says it'll be fun; they'll drink beer and sing painting songs. Luke asks for clarification on what constitutes a painting song. Lorelai plays the spoons and makes up a song that goes to the tune of "9 to 5": "Grab your brush and grab your rollers, all you kids and all you bowlers. We're going painting today." Wayne Brady runs past with tears streaming down his face. "It's not that easy!" he screams. ["This was the first episode Glark ever watched with me, and I'm glad it was this one because Lorelai making up the song lyrics was very Glark." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that he supposes he could paint the place if he had help. Cardigan Man instantly gives a "hurrah!" Luke says that it's not for him. Cardigan Man rushes off to tell the rest of the committee. I like to imagine they all just sit in a room around a desk waiting for Cardigan Man to tell them what to be upset about . Luke says he hates that Cardigan Man is pleased. Lorelai squints and says that Luke can drop a gum wrapper in front of Cardigan Man's store later. Luke growls that it's a good idea, and walks away.
Having heard the raging cursing debate going on in the MBTV GG forum, Lorelai starts off the scene at Emily's table by saying, "Kick-ass wine." Emily compliments Lorelai on her vocabulary. They debate the wine until Rory asks when Emily and Grampa are leaving for Martha's Vineyard. They aren't going this year because Emily tried to make the reservations too late and their usual rental house wasn't available. Lorelai tries to suggest other places they could vacation instead, offering Paris as a possibility. Rory immediately agrees. Emily says that they only go to Europe in the fall. Lorelai says that Europe is still there in the spring. Emily says, "We know it is there in the spring but we never go in the spring because we always go there in the fall." Lorelai says the conversation is getting a little "too Lewis Carroll" for her. Grampa asks what is so interesting about Europe in the spring. Lorelai says that there are spring vegetables. Emily scoffs. Lorelai says that there are festivals, and "you know...Europe." "In the fall," Emily says. Grampa says that they can only afford to go to Europe every two years. "In the fall," Emily says. Grampa says that it's just not in the budget. Lorelai says that they don't have to fly First Class. Emily and Grampa freeze their forks in mid-air and look at Lorelai in shock. Lorelai stumbles and mumbles about Coach and internet specials and basically keeps digging a hole all the way back to Stars Hollow.
That Damn Donna Reed
“ As we go to commercial, I see some guy steal an orange from the fruit vendor. Cardigan Man's right. The whole neighborhood is going to shit. ”
Rory studies her notecards about Catherine the Great as Lorelai fixes a button on Rory's jacket. She asks Rory to stop moving around so that she doesn't prick herself. Rory reads off long names while Lorelai makes jokes to herself ("But everybody called her 'Kitten'"). Lorelai pricks her thumb and asks Rory to stop moving. Rory apologizes. There's a knock at the door. Rory runs to get it. Yay! It's Babette! Lorelai asks whether Babette wants some coffee. Babette says she doesn't and that she just came over to ask a favor. Lorelai makes her coffee anyway. Babette's husband Morey just got asked to play a gig in New York so they have to leave tonight. But they just bought a new "baby" -- a kitten named Apricot. She says the kitten is too small to go with them and too new to be left alone in the house, and asks whether Rory can housesit for the evening. Rory immediately says that she will. Babette tells Rory that there's plenty of food in the kitchen and that Morey just got cable so Rory can watch "those four girls talkin' dirty" if she wants. Babette asks whether they have a key. They do. She tells Rory to have a good time and that she'll be back tomorrow, bids the "crazy girls" goodbye, and leaves. Lorelai immediately starts teasing Rory that she "jumped at the chance" to spend the night away from her. She says that there was only one other night they didn't spend together. Lorelai really is a good mom, because she doesn't mention that the night in question is the night Rory slept with CuteDean in Miss Patty's studio. My mom would have a t-shirt made that reminded me of the time I had her worried sick. Lorelai says that Paul and Linda McCartney only spent eleven nights apart from each other over their entire relationship. Rory doesn't mention, here, that she and Lorelai aren't married. Rory says that when she goes to college she'll be away from home every night. Lorelai says that she's planning on moving into the dorm and sleeping on the floor to Rory's bed. Rory says it's good that Lorelai has a plan. Lorelai asks whether Rory would like to take a picture of her for tonight so if she gets lonely she can talk to it, and looks for the perfect picture as we fade to black.
I don't know what's going on here, and why the writers thought Stars Hollow needed this, but there's this street musician on the corner here, playing the guitar and harmonica like Jonathan Richman in There's Something About Mary. They've got him all Elvis Costelloed out. Rory's bus passes by him and stops in front of CuteDean. Rory's got a bird in a cage. CuteDean offers to carry it and they kiss hello a couple of times. I start bouncing up and down from all the sugar. CuteDean asks about the bird. Rory says that it's homework: "We will be cohabitating for the month so I can examine its every move." She asks whether CuteDean is jealous. He says he'll get over it. Rory casually lets it drop that she'll be alone at Babette's tonight, and wonders if she'll have some company. He offers company. She accepts, and asks if he wants to get some coffee. He says he has to get to work. She says she thought he worked at five. He says that, on Thursdays, he has to get to work at four because it's really busy: "Lots of oppressed housewives shopping for their husbands' dinner." Rory stops walking and says, "Wow." CuteDean turns and says, "What?" "That was a little pointed," she says. He says it was a joke. She says it was a pretty weird joke to hear coming out of his mouth. He says she's too sensitive about this "whole Donna Reed thing." Rory says she's not sensitive; she just finds the thing to be a little ridiculous. "So, she cooked a lot!" CuteDean says. Rory says that Donna Reed made such an impressive list of foods in every episode that she could have cured world hunger. "So what?" CuteDean asks. "You really like that concept, don't you?" Rory asks. CuteDean admits that he does, sort of. Rory stomps away with an "oh, my God!" CuteDean follows her and says he thinks that the whole concept of a wife's cooking dinner for her husband and family is nice. Rory says that it's not that -- it's that the wife has to have the dinner on the table by the time the husband gets home, and that she has to look perfect to do housework, and that her one purpose in life is to serve somebody else. CuteDean says that there are two points of view here. Rory says she doesn't think so. CuteDean says that Rory only feels that way because Lorelai feels that way. Rory is outraged that CuteDean would suggest that Rory can't have opinions that she formed without anyone else's input, and goes one step further by suggesting that if she couldn't have her own opinions, CuteDean would like her more. CuteDean says that his mom used to make dinner for his dad every day before she had to start working, and now she still does it on the weekends; he asks what that makes of his mom. Rory says that CuteDean's mom has choices and makes the decision to make dinner on weekends, but that Donna Reed didn't have that choice. CuteDean reminds Rory that Donna Reed wasn't real. Rory counters that Donna Reed represented millions of women that were real, and had to live up to her standard. CuteDean interrupts her to ask how they got into an argument about The Donna Reed Show. Rory says she doesn't know. CuteDean says he has to go to work. He says goodbye. Rory stops him and asks for her bird back. As we go to commercial, I see some guy steal an orange from the fruit vendor. Cardigan Man's right. The whole neighborhood is going to shit.
“ Rory whines and says that Donna Reed wouldn't have forgotten the rolls, and that they'll make her turn in her pearls. CuteDean kisses her and says he'll kick anyone's butt that comes near the pearls. Oh, God. Can I get back to 2001, here? ”
Rory and CuteDean sit at opposite sides of the table eating dinner. She asks how the food is. He asks what he should say. She says he could say it's perfect. He says it's perfect. She asks how it really is. He says it's really perfect, and that the only other woman that's ever cooked for him is his mother, and this isn't really the same thing. Rory is grateful for that. Ugh. This reminds me of a past boyfriend who told me that all he wanted in life was for me to be home with dinner ready when he got home from work just like his mother did with his dad. His parents were high-school sweethearts and got married right out of school. When I offered that sometimes he'd have to make dinner if I had to work late, he laughed and said that "no wife of his" was going to be working. I said he should start saving up to repay me for all the cash I was spending on this dumb degree, then. He laughed and said that "it's cute" I was going to college, but that girls really only go to school to find a good husband. Yeah, we really didn't last much longer than that. Throw your hands up at me, girls. Rory tells CuteDean to save room for dessert. She runs to the fridge and pulls out two green Jello and Cool Whip sundaes. Ick. Rory moans and says she forgot to make rolls. CuteDean says it's okay. Rory slams the container on the table and says she's going to make them anyway. CuteDean stops her and says they really don't need any more food. Rory whines and says that Donna Reed wouldn't have forgotten the rolls, and that they'll make her turn in her pearls. CuteDean kisses her and says he'll kick anyone's butt that comes near the pearls. Oh, God. Can I get back to 2001, here? CuteDean tells Rory that he loved everything, but doesn't expect her to be Donna Reed and doesn't want her to be Donna Reed. ["See? So she made her point." -- Wing Chun] "I'm actually pretty happy with you," he says. Oh, thanks. I'm actually kinda sorta thankful that you kinda sorta like Rory, too. ["Oh, what do you want? He's seventeen!" -- Wing Chun] Rory says she thought this was lots of fun and she did some research on Donna Reed. She pulls out a stack of papers and says that not only did Donna do all of those milk-and-cookies things, but she was also an uncredited producer and director on the show, which made her one of the first women in television with power. Yeah, that almost saves this, but still really doesn't. ["We'll have to agree to disagree on this." -- Wing Chun] CuteDean patronizes, "Well, I'm glad this turned out to be a pretty positive experience for you." Run, Rory. Run! Run away! I don't care how cute he is. Rory says she'd do this again someday. But for now she's going to do the dishes. CuteDean offers to help. "Sorry. You're a man. You can't help for another fifteen years." CuteDean offers to do the "man's job" and take out the trash.
Lorelai puts the chick back in the cage. Luke brings over a box containing a broken lamp. He starts carrying it out of the house. She says he doesn't need to do that. He says the stuff is sharp and wants to get it out of the way. Lorelai watches him leave and smiles.
Outside, Luke and CuteDean carry their trash to the same bin. They ask each other what they're doing there. "I'm looking for a chick," Luke says. "Yeah, me too," CuteDean laughs. Lorelai walks outside and sees CuteDean. Rory runs out to complain about the Jell-O and finds Luke and Lorelai. There is much stammering about dinner and broken lamps. CuteDean compliments Rory's cooking. Luke says he's going to leave. CuteDean says that he should go as well. They both take off. Lorelai and Rory keep talking to each other from their porches. Lorelai laughs and says she expects Rory to have her boyfriend over when she has a house to herself, but she wants to know about the apron. Rory says it's a long story. Lorelai asks if it involved a sharp blow to the head. Rory, realizing that she really can't explain that she likes being a kept woman, mumbles about getting back inside. Lorelai mentions that she will be teasing Rory about this for years to come. Rory runs back outside and says she can't find Apricot. Lorelai runs over to help find the kitten, declaring that they are not animal people.
“ Lorelai says that now suddenly she's trying to get any poor unsuspecting man into bed with her: 'I'm like Michael Douglas!' ”
Lorelai enters the Independence Inn kitchen to find Sookie and Michel arguing. Sookie says that Michel wants her to compromise her artistic and culinary values. Lorelai correctly guesses that Michel has asked for an egg-white omelet. He shows Lorelai what he got instead -- a three-egg omelet with goat cheese and other stuff. He says that he doesn't eat dairy or meat. Sookie says that she's a chef, and that her job is to make food that tastes good. Lorelai cheers while eating the omelet that Sookie does her job very well. "But I can't eat that and look like her," Michel whines. Oh, man. We're getting fat jokes and Stepford Rory? What kind of world is this? I wanna go back to the old Gilmoreland. Maybe Michel was saying he can't look like Lorelai if he eats that food, because he tells Lorelai that the food will kill her. Lorelai says they're all going to die sometime. Michel says that if Lorelai keeps eating that, she'll become "the balloon lady," and he'll have fun mocking her. Michel storms out. Lorelai reminds Sookie that she makes a good egg white omelet. "I know," Sookie giggles. Sookie asks Lorelai to ask her about her evening. She recaps the missing chick and the missing kitten and the antics with Luke, adding that Luke broke her lamp. They go on about Stella's being named for Jessica Tandy in Streetcar, and not Vivien Leigh. ["Which is odd, because Tandy and Leigh both played Blanche, and not Stella. But anyway." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai tells Sookie that Luke thought Lorelai wasn't really asking him over to help find a chick. Sookie agrees that it doesn't really sound like she's asking for help, but was just finding an excuse to invite him over for the evening. She says that the first time she asked Jackson over for a little sumin-sumin, she called him saying she had a bat in her attic. Lorelai says that Sookie does have a bat her attic. Sookie continues that Jackson came over and they both knew there wasn't really a bat in the attic, but they both pretended to look until they both pretended to give up and then they both went and drank lots of wine and got messy with each other. Sookie says that Luke probably thought Lorelai just wanted to see him, and didn't know how to ask. Sookie asks why Lorelai called Luke. Lorelai says that she needed help. Sookie asks why Lorelai didn't call her. Lorelai says she assumed Sookie would be with Jackson. Sookie asks why Lorelai didn't call Rory. Lorelai says that Rory would have been furious to find out that Stella was missing. Sookie asks why Lorelai didn't call Miss Patty, who raises chickens, or Andrew, who lives around the corner. Lorelai asks for the point. Sookie says the point is that Lorelai picked Luke out of all the people who could have come over to help her. Lorelai continues giving excuses, saying that Luke was on her mind because she had just been picking out paint samples with him. Sookie points out that painting the diner together was Lorelai's idea. Lorelai says that now suddenly she's trying to get any poor unsuspecting man into bed with her: "I'm like Michael Douglas!" Sookie apologizes and says that Luke is a nice man. Lorelai leaves.
And how quickly a week passes. Lorelai and Rory are at Emily's dinner. Grampa and Emily are on the speakerphone arguing with someone about prices. Emily says that this is their last chance to go to Martha's Vineyard. Grampa starts lecturing about business transactions as the speakerphone man keeps repeating Grampa's and Emily's names. He says he'll get back to them with a negotiated fee. Emily and Grampa sit down and announce that they just secured a place on Martha's Vineyard. Emily beams, and says they just found out that someone on the property died and the space was available. Grampa says it's a fine piece of property. Emily says it's much better than their usual place. Lorelai says that the both of them are "going directly to Hell." Grampa gives his Munster laugh and says they'll be well-rested. Emily says the two of them should come visit for a weekend. Rory asks if they can go. Lorelai pats Rory on the knee and says that she'll have to find out "how much Valium Auntie Sookie can lend Mommy for the weekend." Heh. Emily moans that they had to rent the place furnished, and that the deceased had dreadful taste. They laugh about how bad his place looks. "Well, he's dead now, so he got his," Lorelai smiles. Emily stops laughing and tells Lorelai she's being morbid. Rory asks for a new subject. "Joan and Melissa Rivers here think I'm being morbid," Lorelai scoffs. Emily asks Rory how her life is going. Rory says nothing's really new -- just school and homework. "Aprons," Lorelai adds. Rory asks her to shut it. Emily pries and pries that she wants to know what this whole apron business is about. Lorelai says that Rory got dressed up in a cute apron the other night. Grampa asks why. Rory gives Lorelai a pleading look. Lorelai says that Rory's decided to give up the Harvard dream and to become a maid just like Lorelai did. Grampa and Emily find this so not funny that they start scolding Lorelai for having such a bad taste in jokes. Emily remarks that her heart stopped at the thought. Lorelai asks Rory to talk about the bird. Rory says that she's supposed to track all of the bird's habits. They start joking about the bird's getting out, and how she's safe now and a better bird for it. "Thank God Luke found her," Rory says. Emily asks if the bird got out at the diner. Lorelai says that she didn't. Emily wants to know why Luke was at the house. Lorelai goes to the bar while Rory tries to change the subject to Grampa's trip. Emily asks again why Luke was at the house. Lorelai points out that they are out of ice, and excuses herself to the kitchen.
“ Emily smiles and thanks Lorelai for being honest with her: 'Now we can discuss what on Earth you could possibly be thinking.' She leaves the kitchen and reminds Lorelai to not forget the ice. I love Emily. I've missed her so. ”
Emily follows Lorelai to the kitchen and asks her how Luke knew the bird was missing. Lorelai says that she called him. Emily says it seems like Luke is always around when Lorelai is in trouble. Lorelai asks whether they have to discuss this. Emily says she's tired of being lied to, adding that Luke was at Rory's birthday party, came to the hospital with Lorelai, and is the "male lead" in every story Lorelai tells. She points out that Lorelai goes to the diner every day. She says she's seen the way they look at each other. Lorelai begs not to talk about this. Emily asks why Lorelai treats her like she doesn't have a clue about what's going on in Lorelai's life, and whether Lorelai has feelings for Luke. Lorelai thinks for a few seconds before admitting, "Maybe I do. I haven't given it that much thought." Emily smiles and thanks her for being honest with her: "Now we can discuss what on Earth you could possibly be thinking." She leaves the kitchen and reminds Lorelai to not forget the ice. I love Emily. I've missed her so.
The strange street-musician man is walking through the street singing again. Luke asks Lorelai if she's sure they need that many cans of paint. She says she's not really sure. They pile up all of the paint and talk about how they have everything together and just need to figure out when they're going to paint. Lorelai suggests Friday night. What day is it? Luke asks if she has dinner with the parents that night. Lorelai says she can duck out early for a special occasion. They agree on Friday night.
Rory meets up with Lorelai walking down the street and asks if she thinks she got enough paint. They continue small talking about dinner. Lorelai says she needs to stop at the market and get some fruit. Rory asks why, and Lorelai says, "I think I'm getting scurvy." Damn, that's funny. Comedy Rule #592: Scurvy is the funniest of all gum diseases. This is because it is a common ailment among pirates. And as we all know, Comedy Rule #356 states: Pirates are always funny. As they reach the market they hear the roar of a motorcycle. Cardigan Man walks out and curses motorcycles. Lorelai says that they should just make a line outside the town's border and refuse to let anyone in. Cardigan Man says he thinks that's illegal, even though it's a good idea, and runs back into the market to "get away from that noise." Lorelai pulls Rory towards the street and begs, "Kill me and bury me with that bike." Rory asks if it's a Harley. Lorelai states the exact bike and model it is (I know nothing about motorcycles except they've almost killed every single person I know that had one) and says she wants to get one. Rory says that she can't, because she'll die. "Oh, that," Lorelai says. The motorcycle pulls up as Lorelai and Rory start to turn back into the market. The man on the bike shouts, "Hey!" Lorelai turns around. "Nice shirt," he says. "Take it off." He takes off his helmet. "Christopher," Lorelai whispers. Rory shouts, "Dad!" and jumps into his arms. She asks what he's doing here. He says he came to see her. And Lorelai. He comments that she's not talking to him. "Hello," she says. "A word! Uh. Perhaps there's a phrase in my future." He asks why Cardigan Man is staring at him. Rory explains that Taylor is the town snoop. Lorelai asks why Christopher just showed up. He says that his parents are in Connecticut right now, so he thought he's stop by on his way to "surprise the Gilmore Girls." He asks if she's surprised. "Oh, the teeniest feather could knock me into the gutter!" Lorelai says through her frozen smile. Christopher asks where there's a place he could stay around there. Uh, does he not know that Lorelai runs an inn? Rory says he should stay with them. Both Lorelai and Christopher stammer that it's probably not a good idea. Rory pleads. Lorelai invites him to stay for a couple of days. Christopher promises not to get in the way. He tells Rory to "hop on" the motorcycle. "Hop off," Lorelai says. "Hop on," Christopher repeats. "Hop off," Lorelai insists. Christopher flashes a smile and says, "Lorelai." We can see that this boy weakens her and she sighs. "Hop on," she relents. Rory and Christopher drive off on the motorcycle. "Christopher," Lorelai whispers again, as we fade to black.
week, Lorelai's in all sorts of boy problems. Now that Christopher is back, it seems he's trying to get all up in her life again. They didn't end things because they weren't in love, remember? And he's going to ask Lorelai to marry him. I'm so glad this show is back.