Welcome to part one of the special Christmas Gilmore Girls two-part event. See? Santa reads all of your letters.
We open to another Friday dinner. Emily tells Rory that Grampa is bringing Rory something special back from Prague. Rory goes on about how wonderful Prague must be. Lorelai is moving her food around her plate. Emily asks what she's doing. Lorelai is getting rid of the avocado from her salad. Emily asks when Lorelai started hating avocado. "Since the day I said, 'Gross, what is this?' And you said, 'Avocado.'" "I'm focusing on you, now," Emily says to Rory. Hee. Emily asks Rory about the Chilton Formal week. Lorelai hasn't heard about any formal. Rory asks how Emily knew about it. Emily reads the Chilton newsletter. Lorelai asks, "Since when did you start getting the Chilton newsletter?" Emily figures since she's a major contributor to Rory's education, someone should be interested in the school. Lorelai says she also reads the newsletter. Emily quizzes Lorelai on the cover photo. Lorelai mumbles something about a happy privileged kid in plaid. Emily holds up the newsletter and shows the picture of an owl. "In plaid," Lorelai finishes. Emily says that the owl is endangered and Chilton is raising funds. She tells Rory that she gave a nice donation in her name for her. Lorelai says that she can handle the donations in Rory's name. Emily points out that Lorelai couldn't possibly handle the donations since she doesn't read the newsletter and therefore cannot know when the school is taking donations. "It's a private school. They're always taking donations." Good point, Lorelai. Lorelai changes the subject back to the formal. Rory looks down and says she wasn't planning on going. "Nonsense. Of course you're going," says Emily. Lorelai says that Rory doesn't have to go to a formal if she doesn't want to. "Well, I don't understand why she wouldn't want to go," Emily says. Lorelai: "I know you don't." Rory grabs her full glass and says, "I'm gonna go get another Coke." As soon as Rory's gone, Emily turns to Lorelai and says, "What did you say to her?" She says that if Rory doesn't want to go to a dance then it must be because of something Lorelai said. Lorelai promises that she never said anything about dances to Rory and that she'd just like to drop it. Lorelai goes back to her plate and moves a tomato for "fraternizing with the enemy."
In the car on the way home, Lorelai asks Rory why she didn't mention the dance. "'Cause I'm not going," Rory says. "Oh," says Lorelai, and asks why she's not going. "Because I hate dances," Rory says. Lorelai says that's a good answer. She points out that Rory's never been to a dance before, so she really doesn't have anything to compare it to, so she can't really know that she'll hate it. She says that Rory is, "basing all of [her] opinions on one midnight viewing of Sixteen Candles." And I must admit, I was terrified of my first school dance as I was basing all of my opinions on several viewings of Sixteen Candles and I didn't want to end up crying in a hallway after watching Jake Ryan go home with some blonde idiot. Except my Jake Ryan looked much more like Farmer Ted. But he still went home with some blonde idiot. At least in my memory. Whatever, he probably went home with three other boys to stay up late and play D&D, but you know, my terribly martyred teen memory makes it more painful than it probably was. Rory, however, has clearly thought about this dance, and offers her reasons as to why she'll hate it: "It'll be stuffy and boring and the music will suck and since none of the kids at school like me, I'll be standing in the back listening to 98°, watching Tristan and Paris argue over which one of them gets to make me miserable first." Lorelai says it might be, "All sparkly and exciting and [she'll] be standing on the dance floor listening to Tom Waits with some great-looking guy staring at [her] so hard that [she doesn't] even realize that Paris and Tristan have just been eaten by bears." Rory asks what guy could do that. Lorelai suggests the guy who stands around in their trees all night. Rory says that CuteDean "does not hang out in trees." Lorelai: "He bashed his head in a branch when I came out of the house too quickly." She says that she doesn't want Rory to miss out on a good time just because she's afraid. Rory asks what she's afraid of. Lorelai offers, "Of...asking Dean. Of, of him saying no. Of...going to a dance with a bunch of kids who haven't accepted you yet. Of dancing in public. Of finding out you should never be dancing in public." Rory asks Lorelai to stop, clearly because if she wasn't afraid of those things before, she is now. Lorelai says she worries about Rory not participating in school things not because she doesn't like them but because she's just too shy. Lorelai says that if Rory doesn't want to go because she really doesn't want to go and not because she's afraid, then she won't bring it up again. "I don't have a dress," Rory says quietly. Lorelai says she'll make her one. And they'll go get new shoes and earrings and get her hair done. "You won't think I'm an idiot?" Rory asks. "Depends on what hairstyle you choose," Lorelai smiles. Lorelai says that this dance could be great for Rory. We close in on Rory's face as we fade to the opening credits. My mother was smart enough to make sure she had as little as possible to do with my actual important first dance. She took me shopping to buy clothes and she had me tell her how to do my hair. She made sure that she hadn't picked anything out and hadn't cancelled out any of my choices so that if the dance didn't go well, she couldn't possibly be blamed. Consequently, for my first school dance I wore black pants with a giant pink sweater that came down to almost my knees with a white Oxford poking out underneath. I had a giant pink bow in my hair that tied back just the top part of my hair. I had a braid down the back, my hair all curled around the braid and an enormous bangs pouf on the top of my head. I had a big, pink, clunky bracelets that hurt my hand if I put any pressure on it. I wore black Mary Janes with thick white socks poking out. I pegged my jeans, even though they were already zippered and tapered at the ankles. I had giant pink hoop earrings in. I looked like Molly Ringwald's awkward cousin. Mom learned from that, though, as any pain I suffered at these school dances was blamed on friends, boys, or myself. Mom hired a dressmaker (we brought in the pattern and the fabric) and a hairstylist (photo courtesy of Sassy magazine) for prom. Smart Mom.
Man, I think my upstairs neighbor took my "dance to the opening credits" suggestion too literally. Girlie! Take off the clompy-clompy shoes! I'm dying down here.
Lane and Rory walk through the snow debating whether CuteDean will say yes or no to the dance. Lane says there's no reason to have a boyfriend if you can't get him to go to a dance with you. Rory says CuteDean's not her boyfriend. "What is he, then?" Lane asks suspiciously. "He's my...gentleman caller." "Okay, Blanche," snorts Lane. Rory asks Lane if she thinks he's her boyfriend. Lane thinks they spend a lot of time seeing each other and not other people not to consider themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. Rory says it sounds weird. Lane asks if CuteDean and Rory have had "The Talk" yet. She tells Rory that she has to ask CuteDean where they stand now that they've been seeing each other for a few weeks. Rory asks Lane how she knows so much about all of this. Lane replies, "Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach." They spot CuteDean through the grocery store window. How can one boy make such an ugly green apron look so good? Rory starts to chicken out but Lane says she can't because her mother threw out her television for watching VIP, and she doesn't have any other entertainment left. Rory takes a breath and says she's ready. Lane reminds her to enunciate since she's reading lips outside the window.
Rory asks CuteDean if he's busy. He says he's just stocking some green beans, and asks if she wants to help. Who wouldn't want to stock green beans with this boy, I ask you? Who wouldn't? She asks if he works on Saturdays. He says he'll come in sometimes if he doesn't have any other plans. He asks why. She says no reason, but that there's this thing at her school that's not really at her school but is given by her school. He asks what it is. "Well, it's this kind of thing where you go and they play music and you're supposed to get all dressed up and do some kind of dance and there's chicken." CuteDean: "Chicken?" Rory: "Well, I don't know if there's chicken. But at these kinds of things they often serve chicken, because it's probably cheaper, and people eat it, so the logic behind the chicken choice really isn't that bad." CuteDean says he's lost. Rory says, "It's a dance." She says she's not dying to go, but being a part of the social life at Chilton is important to her. "So, are you asking me to go to a dance with you?" CuteDean asks. "No," Rory says with embarrassment. She then gets a terrified look on her face and admits, "Yes." She says if he wanted to go, then she'd go too. He says it'd be good that she'd go since it's her school. She asks if he wants to go. He says he's never gone to a dance before and that it's not really the way he'd like to spend his time. "I mean, I'm not a big joiner," he says. Ah. Translation: I'd rather get naked. Rory says, "Fair enough," and goes back to stocking beans. CuteDean looks at her for a little while and says, "You wanna go, don't you?" Rory says she doesn't want to go at all, and that she was just thinking out loud. CuteDean asks what he'd have to wear. Rory is instantly happy and says he can wear whatever he wants. He says he seriously needs to know what to wear. She says it's coat and tie. He looks upset. She says he can probably get away without the tie. He says he'll go. She kisses him. I'm so in love. "Thank you!" she says sweetly. "You're welcome," he says as she walks away. Rory gives a thumbs-up to Lane through the window. They meet outside and jump up and down and squeal. Perfect.
Lorelai is working on Rory's dress, which is really coming along quite well considering Rory hadn't even asked her date yet. Lorelai bends down to work on the hem and the mannequin falls on top of her, knocking her to the ground. As Lorelai wrestles the mannequin away, the doorbell rings. Lorelai clutches her back and walks to the door. It's Sookie, with extra thread. Sookie comments that Lorelai is walking "funny" and Lorelai says she thinks she might have pulled something. Sookie offers to "do something creative" with an ACE bandage to wrap Lorelai's back. Lorelai isn't laughing. They sit down and Sookie goes through her purse. She has Percodan, Vicodin, and Darvoset but settles for a mild muscle relaxer. Lorelai thanks her and says she might take one later. Sookie's got to go, but makes sure that Lorelai doesn't need any help. Lorelai doesn't. I just found out that someone stole all the bottles of liquor and a sign that lights up and says "Lounge" from my porch. Dammit, L.A., why can't you celebrate Christmas like Stars Hollow? The same people that swiped my stuff could just as easily have come in here and just shared their drugs instead. Sookie leaves and the phone rings. Lorelai painfully gets up to answer it.
It's Emily. They bicker. Emily wants Rory to go to the dance. She doesn't want Rory to regret anything later. Lorelai tells Emily that Rory is going to the dance. Emily says, "Oh, that's wonderful! I'm thrilled!" Lorelai says she's making Rory's dress right now. Emily asks why Lorelai would make a dress. "Well, so that she'll look really ugly and people will laugh and throw rocks," says Lorelai. Emily offers to buy Rory a dress. Lorelai isn't hearing it. Emily asks Lorelai to take a picture of Rory for her. She asks for a series of pictures of Rory on the stairs, by the window, and one where she's getting ready. Lorelai asks Emily if she also wants one where Rory is shaving her legs. Emily says it's a once-in-a-lifetime event, and Lorelai gets to be there and she doesn't. Lorelai slowly, painfully lowers herself flat on the ground. Emily says if she got enough pictures she could line them up on chronological order and pretend she was there. Make a flipbook. Lorelai asks if Emily would like to come to see Rory get ready for the dance. Emily says she'll see her at seven. Lorelai hangs up and huffs in pain as we fade to commercial.
I can't believe someone stole stuff from my porch. Right to me. I sit here all day and didn't notice someone stealing stuff from me right to my head? Is it that I'm not paying attention, or are thieves in L.A. really that good?
Ooh! Commercial for Popstars. Yeah. Sweet. I think the phone was just ringing. I don't know. I was watching commercials.
Paris is selling tickets to the formal. Oh, Paris. Where have you been? She asks Philllipppe (or for those of you just tuning in, "Tristan") if he needs two tickets. He says he does. She asks who he's taking. "Why, are you free?" he leers in quickly. Paris stammers and looks down. Philllipppe instantly stands up and says she couldn't possibly be free this close to the dance. She hands him his change. He asks if her hair is shorter. She says it is, just a quarter inch. She got it trimmed. He says it looks good. She thanks him. There are like, thirty-five-year-olds in line behind Philllipppe. One of them is trying to hide his face. Whatever, schoolboy, I can see your crow's feet from here.
Philllipppe passes Rory in line for the tickets. He makes a joke about her reading another book. She tries to blow him off, but he's not leaving. He asks what she's doing there. "I like lines," Rory says into her book. Philllipppe tells Rory that the guy is supposed to buy the tickets for the dance. "Really? Does Susan Faludi know about this?" Rory squints. I really do like this show, people. Philllipppe speculates that perhaps there isn't a guy. Philllipppe says he must be a cheap guy. Rory says she likes them cheap. She says she also likes them sloppy, with a bald spot and those pants that slip down in the back and give her a good plumber shot. Philllipppe asks if he goes to this school. Rory says he doesn't. Philllipppe doesn't have a date. Rory tells him that Squeaky Fromme should be up for parole soon. He thought Rory would like to go with him. "You did not," she says. "I did, too!" Rory: "You did not because you are not stupid." Rory says that barring a massive head injury there's no reason that she'd ever want to go anywhere with him. She's so dating him in like, three weeks, people. He's going to wear her down. CuteDean will do something dumb or she'll end up with him at a dance like Cha-Cha and Danny and then Paris will get pissy and Paris and Rory will end up the best of friends when they realize that Philllipppe sucks. I call 'em as I see 'em. ["If Rory dates Philllipppe, I will stop watching this show, and I am not joking. It's bad enough they have Lorelai dating Stalker Max." -- Wing Chun] Philllipppe says he'll take "Cissy," and that she at least won't have to buy her own ticket. He pouts off.
"Two, please," Rory says to Paris. "Idiot," Paris mutters as she takes her money. She tells Rory that she's an idiot because Philllipppe was clearly just asking Rory to the dance and she treated him like a jerk. Rory says that if Paris likes Philllipppe so much then she should ask him out. Paris doesn't have any change. Rory says she can pay her back later. Paris freaks out and says that she's not a "Versateller" and that Rory can wait for her change. She starts yelling to the boy to her that she needs change immediately. She looks up at Rory and says, "There's no way you're going to the dance with somebody better than Tristan." "Whatever," Rory mutters. Paris assumes that Rory will "get hit with some very rare form of flu that only hits losers on dance night." Rory says she doesn't want her change: "Money makes people shallow." As Rory walks away, Paris grabs a dollar from the boy to her and starts screaming that she has Rory's change and she needs to come back and get it. "Hey! If you think I'm keeping this dollar, I'm not!" The boy to her says he'll take the dollar. "You shut up!" she says, and goes back to the cashbox.
Lorelai sits reads a magazine and yells for Rory to hurry up. Rory says she's primping. "You're sixteen and have skin like a baby's ass! There's no need to primp!" Rory walks in and twirls. "Wow," Lorelai says, "Somebody hit you with the pretty stick," but unfortunately we don't get the shot of her we got in the commercials for this episode where you can see the awe in Lauren Graham's face. Lorelai says that Rory looks beautiful and Rory says Lorelai outdid herself. Lorelai fixes a stray hair on Rory and for a second Rory looks just like my little sister. Great. That's all I need. More emotional ties to this damn show. I'm a wreck already, people. Lorelai says the shoes are her favorite. Rory says they hurt so she's just going to put them on right before she leaves. Lorelai says that Rory should put them on right now so her feet can get really numb. Rory leaves to get hairspray as the doorbell rings. Lorelai shouts that it's open. It's Sookie with tacos and burritos for later when Lorelai gets hungry. Lorelai says that Sookie takes such good care of her. Rory runs in to have Sookie look at her and Sookie gushes and says that Rory looks like a movie star. Sookie says something about Rory having to walk down staircases because movie stars always walk down staircases. Lorelai offers to spray Rory's hair but Sookie says Lorelai should stay still. Sookie then immediately sprays the hairspray into her eye. Sookie starts to walk off to find something to wash her face with, since her eyelashes are all stuck together. Lorelai tells Rory to put the tacos away (which I admire-- most writers wouldn't have thought of that) and she sprays Rory's hair. Sookie calls from the other room asking if the liquid she just used in the bathroom was soap. It wasn't, and Rory runs in to help as the doorbell rings again. It's Emily, and she's ready to see Rory. She gets her camera out and stands ready to snap as she calls Rory back into the room. Rory has a towel hanging out of the front of her dress and she's eating a taco. The picture moment is ruined. "She has lived with you too long," Emily drones to Lorelai. Lorelai tells Rory to get ready for the "pretty picture." Sookie walks out with a towel to her face and says she's going to walk home. She does the blind jokes where you stare at nothing and talk or you look at the wrong person while you speak. You know how that goes. Lorelai says she should call in fifteen minutes or she'll send out a search party. Sookie says that she should call her if she needs any help getting up the stairs. Lorelai darts a look at Emily and says she'll be fine. Sookie leaves and Emily asks why she'd need help up the stairs. Lorelai says there's no reason and yells at Rory to hurry up. Emily notices that Lorelai hasn't moved. She asks if she's hurt. Lorelai says she has a little back spasm but that it's no big deal. Emily asks what kind of back spasm, and Lorelai answers, "I don't know, Mom. Just a normal one." Emily says that if they were normal they wouldn't be called "spasms." Rory walks out and Emily starts snapping pictures like a photo shoot. She tells Lorelai she's happy that she decided to buy her a dress instead. Lorelai winks at Rory.
A car horn is heard outside and Rory says it's CuteDean. She turns to leave but Lorelai calls her back for a kiss and a hug. Rory kisses Emily on the cheek and starts to go, but Emily calls her back: "You do not go running out the door when a boy honks." Lorelai says that it's fine, but Emily says that for a big event like this the boy should come to the front door and meet the family and escort Rory out to the car: "This is not fast food. She is not fried chicken." Rory says that she told CuteDean to honk and that she'd meet him out there. "We agreed," she whines. Oh, man, I know that feeling. What if he just drives off and thinks she doesn't want to go to the dance? What if he'd rather go home then come in and get her? Emily says that if CuteDean really wants to take her to the dance then he'd knock and come in and spend some time with them before he takes her out, "like any civilized human being." Wow. That's my mother talking, right there. That's five of her favorite words in order. Lorelai says she's already met CuteDean and it's okay, but Emily says she hasn't and that they will all wait until he comes to the door. Rory says he doesn't know he's supposed to. "He'll figure it out," Emily says. Another horn. Rory stomps and exhales and leans against a table. More honking. They all stand uncomfortably. Lorelai looks incredibly apologetic. More honking. Rory gives Emily a look that says, "See?" Emily looks at Lorelai and says, "He's not a very bright boy, is he?" Lorelai pleads to let Rory go. The doorbell rings several times. Rory starts to run but Emily stops her. "A lady never rushes." Rory gives her a smirk and walks off, but as soon as she passes the doorway she breaks into a bolt again. She opens the door. CuteDean says, "Hey!" He then sees how pretty she is and lamely adds, "I thought I was supposed to honk." Rory apologizes and then Emily is standing behind her. "Young man. Come in here, please." Rory looks at CuteDean. CuteDean looks down and walks into the house. CuteDean says hello to Emily and Lorelai says they can leave. "Be home by eleven," Emily says. CuteDean and Rory look over Emily's shoulder. "Twelve," Lorelai mouths. They leave. Emily turns to Lorelai and asks what she knows about CuteDean. Lorelai says she knows that Rory likes him and that his parole officer thinks he should be completely rehabilitated soon. He's a good kid and everything is going to be fine. She'll call tomorrow with all of the details. Emily says that Lorelai shouldn't be left alone tonight since she can hardly move so she should stay. Lorelai says it really isn't necessary. Emily asks what she'll do if she has to go to the bathroom. "I don't go anymore, Mom. I gave it up cold turkey." She stands up to prove that she's just fine. Emily asks her to move around. Lorelai stands perfectly still and says she's moving around just fine. Lorelai falls back to the couch. Emily gets up and says she's going to make some tea. "Please tell me you have something besides Lipton," she shouts as she walks into the kitchen. Lorelai grumbles and says very quietly, "Oh, a stroke would be so good right about now." Fade to commercial.
Rory and CuteDean are in the car driving to the dance. Rory thinks maybe they should forget about the dance because it's not really such a big deal. CuteDean says if she wants to, they can. She remarks about the kids at Chilton. "Have you seen The Outsiders?" she asks. CuteDean has. "Just call me Ponyboy," she says. Okay, possible shout-out if they read my Get Real recaps where I mention that The Outsiders was one of my favorite books ever and I couldn't believe they were letting Cameron call it "Fly." She says that she heard the place they were going was beautiful, old, and historic, and that maybe they could just go in and see it for a few minutes. CuteDean says that's fine. "Or not," she says. "Fine, too." She says it's stupid that she can't decide. "What do you think?" she asks him. "I think...that you look amazing tonight," he says, because he's CuteDean and he always says the perfect thing. "Maybe just a couple minutes won't hurt," she smiles.
Emily is on the phone telling the servants to lock up for the night because she won't be coming home. Lorelai moans. Emily asks if she's in pain. Lorelai says she's in all sorts of pain. Emily gets off the phone and Lorelai says that Emily really, really doesn't have to do this. Emily says she won't leave Lorelai alone in this condition. She starts walking around the house. Lorelai asks what she's doing. She's trying to find the candlesticks that she bought for her. Lorelai flinches and confesses that she actually returned those crystal candlesticks for a monkey lamp. "Pardon me?" Emily asks. "It's a lamp with a bunch of monkeys on it," Lorelai says, trying not to giggle. Emily demands to see this lamp that's better than crystal candlesticks. Lorelai gestures to it with her head. "Oh, my God! They're holding coconuts and leering!" Emily shouts. "It's funny," Lorelai smiles. "You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic leering monkey lamp? How could you? This is not just about the bad breeding of returning a gift. This goes to the very heart of the question of taste. You were given something of substance, and you cast it off for a ridiculous, slightly sinister barroom decoration? Explain this to me, Lorelai." Lorelai leans back and pouts, "My back hurts." Excellent pouting, on that one.
Wow. That's one giant dance room for like a prep-school formal. This place looks like prom. CuteDean and Rory stare for a few seconds and compliment the place. CuteDean says they could just get their picture taken and leave or they could dance a little first. "Yeah?" Rory asks with a smile. "I stress 'a little,'" says CuteDean. Rory says they can dance something slow so the pressure is off. He grabs her hand and they walk off.
Man, back in episode, like, two, we met these two friends of Paris, Blonde Brat and Brunette Bimbo. They are not having a good time at the dance and are debating leaving. The blonde is bored. The brunette says they have to wait for Paris. The brunette points out Rory and says she has good hair. The blonde wants to know who Rory's date is. They decide to investigate. They hold hands and walk up to CuteDean and Rory. The blonde compliments Rory's dress and asks who made it. Rory says that her mother did. The blonde immediately starts making eyes at CuteDean and asks, "So, you travelling with a bodyguard, now?" CuteDean is giving the blonde the "I know what you're trying to do" squint. Rory introduces CuteDean to them (she stumbles when she almost calls CuteDean her boyfriend). Their names are Louisa and Fraulein, as far as I can tell from Rory's occasional mumbling fits. That's okay, I like those names. Hideous names for pretty brat rich girls. Fraulein, the brunette, is still thinking about the dress, and complains that her mother wouldn't make her anything. Louisa asks CuteDean how tall he is. Fraulein says her mother makes soup. Louisa is coming on strong and flirts that all of the men in her family are also really tall. She asks if he's six-one, six-two. Rory asks if he gets a prize for this. He says he's six foot two. Man. At sixteen? Where were those boys at my high school? "Six-two's a good height," she says like Christina Aguilera. "You think?" CuteDean asks, and for a second it appears he's flirting back. "Yeah," Louisa flirts back. "Huh," CuteDean says, and walks behind Rory. He puts his arms around her and asks into her ear, "What do you think. Too tall?" "Not in heels," Rory says. "Good," he says. Rory confesses that the saddle shoes make it a bit difficult. "Well, I'll just have to stoop then," he smiles. "I guess so," Rory smiles. Louisa, who's been just staring at this, says, "Okay. I'm bored." She turns and leaves. Fraulein turns back around for a second and says, "I like your dress." Rory thanks her. I guess with a name like Fraulein, she's going to be the slightly nicer one. They watch the girls walk away. Rory turns around in CuteDean's arms and says, "Hey, you're nice." I actually have to stop the tape for a few minutes and cry because I never ever had anyone like CuteDean in my life when I was in high school, and I feel completely robbed because of it. ["Girl, please. Join the club. I didn't even have a CuteDean in university." -- Wing Chun] Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You" starts up and CuteDean pulls Rory towards the dance floor.
Rory and CuteDean are stopped when they run into Paris. She comments that Rory actually came to the dance. Rory reminds Paris that she sold Rory the ticket. Paris's date introduces himself as "Jake." Rory and CuteDean introduce themselves and Paris quickly escorts Jake away from them. "Those are not friends," she tells him. He says he was being polite. "Well, don't," she admonishes.
CuteDean walks Rory to the dance floor and says that Paris seems like lots of fun. Rory says Paris is a blast. Rory puts her arms around CuteDean and he tells her that "this dancing thing" is not something he wants her "to get used to or comment on." She says that goes both ways. They dance. CuteDean asks, "Hey, if I kiss you is a nun gonna come out and boot me out of here?" Rory says it's not a Catholic school. ["That might be a shout-out, since Pamie's said a few times that she thinks it is." -- Wing Chun] She says he can kiss her. He does.
The camera spins away from Rory and CuteDean and finds Philllipppe standing against a wall watching them kiss. Philllipppe's date, who he had said earlier would be named Cissy, prances out and says she's perfect now and is ready to dance. Philllipppe doesn't want to dance. She asks if he wants to eat. He doesn't. She asks if he wants to go make out. Bored, he replies, "Yeah, all right. Let's go."
Back to Rory and CuteDean. "So, Ponyboy," he asks her. "You happy?" She says he is. My boyfriend stomps by. "What is your problem?" I ask him. "I was such an asshole in high school. I should have been CuteDean. He makes me want to be a better man."
Emily brings Lorelai some banana toast. Lorelai says she thinks somebody already ate it. Emily says she used to make it all the time for Lorelai when she was a little girl. "Whenever you were sick I made this." Lorelai: "Are you sure it wasn't the other way around?" Emily says she'll just take it back to the kitchen, but Lorelai says she wants it and that Emily should leave it there. Emily says that Lorelai can't be comfortable in her current position (legs thrown over the back of the couch, back propped on the side of the couch) but Lorelai insists that she is. Emily comments that Lorelai isn't eating. Lorelai picks up the toast, brings it to her mouth, points it at Emily and says, "Mom. Please don't make me eat this." Emily says that Lorelai has to eat something. Sookie left burritos in the fridge. Emily says she'll heat one up, but Lorelai says she likes it cold. Emily looks like she wants something to do, and Lorelai recognizes that, so she tells Emily that a warm burrito would be nice as well. Man, I wouldn't trust that woman to warm my burrito. She didn't know what a cookie sheet was. Emily leaves to warm the burrito. Lorelai throws a napkin over the banana toast, grabs the bottle of muscle relaxers and takes one.
CuteDean asks Rory if she'd like some punch. He leaves. She turns and finds Jake standing in front of her. He makes small talk and then asks if CuteDean is her boyfriend. She stammers around about how she's not sure because they've only been going out for a little while. "So, there's still a little room to play," Jake says. ["Ew. Who is this kid, Larry Flynt?" -- Wing Chun] He asks her to dance. She declines. He asks for her phone number. She says, "I'm sorry, aren't you here with Paris?" He says he is. She says he probably should be asking for her phone number then. He tells her that Paris is his cousin. She asks if he's serious. He is. "You're related?" "Yeah." Rory smiles and says, "Jacob, it's been very nice to meet you. I hope you have a lovely evening." She spins and walks away.
Lorelai and Emily are watching television. Emily points out Barbara Stanwyck and says she used to love her: "She had that wonderful voice. That husky, deep voice." Lorelai says that Emily sounds a bit like Barbara Stanwyck. Emily says she doesn't. Lorelai says that Emily could have gotten Fred MacMurray to "off Dad" if she wanted him to. Emily smiles and says that Lorelai really does enjoy teasing her. Lorelai smiles and says that she does. Emily starts talking about how wonderful Rory looked tonight. Lorelai confesses that she made the dress. "You did a lovely job," Emily tells her. "With Rory and the dress." Lorelai thanks her. They look at each other for a second and then quickly stare at other things. Emily starts to clear the table. She picks up the plate of banana toast and asks Lorelai if she really doesn't remember her making it when she was a kid. Emily says she did and Lorelai loved it. Lorelai says she'll give it a try. She takes a bite. For old toast, it's still pretty crunchy. She makes a noise. "Yes?" Emily asks. "It's even more disgusting than I thought it was going to be," Lorelai says. Emily says it couldn't be that bad and takes a bite. She starts wailing, "Oh, my God, it's horrible!" Lorelai laughs as Emily runs the food to the kitchen.
Rory and CuteDean sit at a table. Rory has now taken her shoes off and is holding them. CuteDean asks if she wants to go. "You're bored. Of course, let's go," she says. He says he's not bored and they don't have to leave yet if she doesn't want to. He says that since there's a little time left he thought she might like to get some coffee, hang out, and take a little walk. She says that'd be nice. She gets up to leave but he says she should stay and he'll get the coats. As soon as CuteDean's gone, Paris moves in and asks, "So. How many people have you told?" Rory asks what she's talking about. Paris says she knows that Rory knows that Jacob is her cousin and now she can get her back by telling everyone. Fraulein jumps the gun here and starts listening from far away. Rory says she only wants to get away from Paris. Paris leans in more and says, "And now you can just go all over the school and just tell everyone that Paris Gellar couldn't get a date to the dance. That she has no one and since she couldn't just not come she had to get her mother to ask her cousin Jacob to take her and that she had to give him gas money just to make him do it. Go ahead. Tell them!" Paris has some crazy cleavage going on. Rory says she doesn't have to tell everyone, because Paris just did. And indeed, everyone is standing there listening. Paris walks off and Rory looks uncomfortable.
CuteDean is returning with the coats but is stopped by Philllipppe, who says, "You know, we haven't met." "No, we haven't," CuteDean says. Philllipppe: "I'm Tristan." CuteDean: "Ah, yes. We have." He says that Rory's mentioned him to CuteDean. "She has?" Philllipppe asks. CuteDean: "Yes, but I wouldn't get quite so excited about it." Philllipppe asks if Rory said something "mean." CuteDean says that Rory called him a jackass. "Really?" Philllipppe asks. CuteDean says that Rory doesn't use words like that, so he was actually embellishing a little. "Oh, so you're the big strong protector? Little princess needs a protector?" taunts Philllipppe. At this point, Rory sees what's going on and starts to walk over. Philllipppe says, "I just don't like your girlfriend, that's all." CuteDean says it doesn't look that way to him. CuteDean's voice is getting lower as this scene progresses. Philllipppe says he doesn't care how it looks to CuteDean. CuteDean backs up a step, raises his hands and says, "Hey, you got in my path, not the other way around." CuteDean tries to walk around Philllipppe, but Philllipppe side-steps into his way. This continues. CuteDean's all, "You're kidding, right?" Philllipppe asks if CuteDean is going somewhere. "Get out of my way Dristan," says CuteDean, which is the lamest line that Gilmore Girls has ever had. Since Philllipppe has clearly heard that insult about seven thousand times, he says, "Well, aren't you clever?" Rory steps in between the two of them. I must say, I never like the boys fighting over a girl thing in real life, but since this show lives in my fantasy life, it's okay here. CuteDean and Philllipppe continue that boasty cool-guy way of snapping off witty lines at each other about how they're just the best of friends. Rory says they should go. "Oh, why?" Philllipppe asks. "Little girl's gotta be home?" "Stop!" CuteDean warns. Philllipppe makes an incredibly lame joke about a buggy and a barn raising ["That was lame. I was watching this episode all alone and I actually said, aloud, to the TV, 'What the hell does that even mean?' and wished CuteDean would ask the same thing." -- Wing Chun], and CuteDean decides it's time to leave. Philllipppe side-steps again, this time blocking Rory's way. CuteDean puts out one arm and pushes Philllipppe back, yelling, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "You will not push me again!" Philllipppe shouts. The partygoers are starting to pay attention. CuteDean: "Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake." ["That, on the other hand, was a good line." -- Wing Chun] Philllipppe gives him the, "Outside! Now." CuteDean says he's not going to fight him outside: "It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done." This time Philllipppe does some major shoving, and everyone stands up to get involved. People pull the two boys away as CuteDean yells, "You don't want to fight me, Tristan!" Philllipppe: "Why not?" CuteDean: "'Cause I'll kill you, idiot!" He breaks away from the boys that are holding him and starts to walk to the door. Man, he's tall. "Come on, Rory," he says to her, and she turns and leaves with him. Philllipppe breaks away and walks towards them. CuteDean turns around to stand right in Philllipppe's face and says, "You will not come near her ever again." CuteDean walks away as Fraulein says, "Wow. That was good." "Whatever," Louisa drones with a smile. Philllipppe starts to walk away and Paris runs up to him, asking if he's okay. He raises his hand towards her face and walks off without saying a word. Louisa is suddenly at Paris's side, asking if she really brought her cousin to the dance. Paris walks off. Fade to commercial.
Once when I was fifteen some boys broke into my house and stole some things from me. They returned most of my things on the bus the day because the guy they all looked up to told them it wasn't cool. They never returned my copy of Pink Floyd's The Wall. They lied and said they didn't have it, and their head guy eventually decided it wasn't worth his time. One year later my boyfriend's best friend Marshall, who was this really big, really cute, really nice guy walked up to them in the hallway the day after he heard my story about the break-in, threw both of them against a locker and shouted, "You fucked with my friend Pamela?" "I didn't know she was your friend, man!" they shouted back. "Anything of hers you still have you fucking return, do you understand?" That tape was back at my house before Marshall even lowered those guys back to the ground. Still, I think of that. I hardly knew Marshall, and he did that for me.
Emily sees that Lorelai has fallen asleep and takes the remote from her hand. Lorelai wakes up just a bit and says that the movie isn't over yet. Emily says she'll tell her how it ends. Emily tucks Lorelai in with a blanket and brushes her hair back. As Emily stands up to walk away Lorelai mumbles quietly, "Thank you, Mommy." Emily stares at Lorelai with surprise and love, grabs a magazine and quietly walks over to a chair. She checks her watch.
CuteDean and Rory have their coffees and are walking through the snow. "That was quite a dance," CuteDean says. Rory says she doesn't know what got into Philllipppe. "I do," CuteDean says. "What?" CuteDean: "He has a thing for you." Rory says he doesn't and that it's like a game for him. "He has a thing for you," CuteDean repeats. Rory says that he just insults her and makes her miserable, and CuteDean insists, "He has a thing for you." Rory says she doesn't know how she feels about all of this. "Having my boyfriend defend my honor." CuteDean asks about the word "boyfriend." Rory quickly says that she didn't mean "boyfriend." She says that defending her was very "boyfriend-y" and not that she meant he was her boyfriend. Rory sounds very worried that she just screwed up. "I don't think you're my boyfriend," she says quickly. "Dean?" "What?" "Are you my boyfriend?" He says he is if she wants him to be. "I do," she says and stops walking. CuteDean smiles, walks back to her and says, "Okay." It's settled. He's her boyfriend. They keep walking. My first boyfriend, my first real boyfriend, informed me that I was now his girlfriend by saying the following: "Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend because you said you wouldn't kiss me anymore if I didn't, and she would have sex with me and stuff, so you'd better be really good at being my girlfriend and stuff because I just gave up a girl that had sex for a girl that really only kissed me like, twice, and I rode my skateboard all the way over here to tell you this, so I'm going to take my shirt off now because I'm all sweaty, and you'd better know what to do when I do it. I'm going to put on a Richard Pryor album now so we can make out, but don't ask me about condoms because they're stupid. Here. I found this flower outside." It's charming if you think about it like you're fourteen and no one has ever told you that you're pretty. Otherwise, yeah, it's pretty revolting. Dammit, CuteDean, where the fuck were you?
They pass in front of Miss Patty's. "I'm feeling pretty good about this decision," she says. CuteDean says he's glad to hear it. Rory notices that Miss Patty forgot to lock the door to the studio. CuteDean says he's never seen inside the studio before. Rory looks at him.
Inside the studio, Rory shows CuteDean all of the pictures of Miss Patty on the walls. Rory makes a joke about Miss Patty and then drops her bag. "I'll get it," CuteDean instantly says, and picks up her bag. He remarks on how heavy the bag is and asks what she has in there. "I don't know. A lipstick. Five-dollar bill. Gum. Hairspray. A book." CuteDean: "You brought a book to the dance?" He asks if she thought there'd be a lot of down time. She says she just brings a book everywhere she goes. It's habit. The writers of this show have been reading my high-school diaries, I swear to God. He asks what she's reading. The Portable Dorothy Parker. ["I own that very book." -- Wing Chun] He reads a poem and they settle down into a beanbag. He has his arm around her. "Thank you for tonight," she says. "It was perfect." "You're welcome," he says, and kisses her. They go back to the book.
Dark fade to signify time passing, and we do an overhead shot of Rory and CuteDean, now asleep on the beanbag. Their heads are on each other's shoulders. Wouldn't it be cold in that studio? Oh, whatever. I don't care.
Morning. Miss Patty opens the studio to let her class in. The class consists of a group of older ladies who immediately find Rory (calling her "Lorelai's girl") and CuteDean ("the boy from the market") and call Miss Patty over. Rory wakes up in confusion and quickly realizes where she is. She wakes up CuteDean. He asks what time it is. It's 5:30. "Oh, my God! We fell asleep!" Rory moans. CuteDean tells her to calm down and that he'll explain it to Lorelai. He hands her all her things. "I have to go!" Rory shouts and runs through the crowd of women. CuteDean runs after her, telling her to calm down and that everything will be okay.
Outside, Rory is in a full run. ["Barefoot in the snow, no less." -- Wing Chun] CuteDean says he'll go with her and explain everything. She says he can't come with her. Doesn't he have parents that will want to know what's going on, too? ["They're from Chicago so they're probably just glad he's not fixing mayoral elections or grinding people up into sausages." -- Wing Chun] She says he can't be anywhere near her house right now. He says it's not their fault. She says she knows, but that she has to go home. He stops her from running and begs her to let him come with her. She tells him that he can't, breaks away, and runs down the street.
Back pain be dammed, Emily is shaking Lorelai awake. She says that Rory isn't home. She fell asleep and it's 5:30 and Rory's not home. Lorelai gets a bit teary and starts calling Rory's name as she walks through the house. Emily keeps harping that Rory isn't there. Emily tells Lorelai to call the police. Lorelai tells her to stop yelling at her and that she's looking for the phone. Emily starts harping about the condition of the house, and that if things were cleaner she wouldn't lose the phone. Lorelai tells Emily to stop yelling. "Rory is missing!" Emily shouts. Lorelai says she knows that, but that yelling isn't helping. The phone starts ringing. Lorelai finds it and answers. It's Miss Patty, telling her that Rory is on the way home. Lorelai thanks her and hangs up. Emily starts asking for information. Lorelai tells her that Miss Patty found Rory and CuteDean asleep there. "What condition were they in?" Emily asks. Lorelai says that Miss Patty didn't say but that they shouldn't get concerned until they find out what happened. Emily says they know what happened, since Rory and CuteDean were out all night. Lorelai tells Emily that Rory's a good kid and that nothing happened. Emily says she won't stand by and watch Lorelai let Rory ruin her life. "Back off," Lorelai says. Emily starts talking about Rory and CuteDean, but Lorelai says she doesn't want to get into this with her. Emily says that Rory is going to get pregnant. Lorelai says she isn't. "She's going to ruin everything just like you ruined everything," Emily intones. "No, she's not!" Lorelai starts yelling. She says that Rory's a good kid and not like her, and that she's not going to do that. "What kind of mother are you to allow this to happen to her?" Emily asks. "Oh, I don't know, Mom. What kind of mother were you?" ["That line chilled me, I don't mind saying." -- Wing Chun] Emily says she's going to lose Rory just like Emily lost Lorelai. Lorelai says she's not going to lose Rory, and that even if she hadn't gotten pregnant Emily still would have lost Lorelai: "You suffocated me in that house. I had no life. I had no air. You strangled me. I do not strangle Rory." Emily says she's tired of hearing how horrible a mother she was. She put Lorelai in good schools. She gave her the best of everything and made sure she had the finest opportunities. She says if she was so controlling, how come she couldn't control Lorelai from getting pregnant and throwing her life away? "Get out!" Lorelai shouts. She says she won't have Emily coming into her house telling her that she threw her life away. "This is a life!" she says.
Rory walks in the front door quietly and hears Emily and Lorelai arguing.
Lorelai says that maybe she was a horrible uncontrollable child, but Rory isn't. She trusts Rory and knows she's going to be fine. Rory hides behind the kitchen wall. Lorelai says that if Emily can't accept or believe the fact that Rory is a good kid, then she doesn't want her in the house. Emily leaves out the front door.
Rory walks into the kitchen to find Lorelai crying over the dishes. She starts to thank Lorelai for saying nice things about her, but Lorelai immediately starts yelling at her. "What were you thinking? Staying out all night. Are you insane?" Rory: "It was an accident." Lorelai: "You're talking to the queen of staying out all night. I invented the concept. This is no accident. You can't do this. Period." Rory: "Nothing happened!" Lorelai says that Rory has no idea what it's like to wake up while Emily's there and find out that Rory never came home. "So all this is about Gramma being here?" Lorelai: "No! This is about the feeling of complete terror when your kid isn't in her bed in the morning!" Rory apologizes. Lorelai says it's a completely different kind of terror when you find out that your daughter spent the night with some guy. Rory says she didn't "spend the night" with him but that they fell asleep. Lorelai points a finger at her and says, "You are going on the Pill." "What?" Rory asks. "You are not getting pregnant!" Rory says she's not sleeping with CuteDean. Rory asks what happened to all of that stuff she said to Emily about trusting her. Lorelai says she thinks it's back on Miss Patty's yoga mats. Rory gets upset and shouts, "This is crap! You know I didn't do anything! You know this was an accident. You're just mad because I screwed up and I did it in front of Gramma and she nailed you for it. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I screwed up and I'm sorry that you got yelled at but I didn't do anything. And you know it!" Rory goes into her bedroom and slams the door. Lorelai sits at the kitchen table and cries. Pan back and fade to black.
Stay tuned for part two, when Grampa is suddenly sick.