We're treated to our first "previously" on Gilmore Girls: Michel answers the phone at the Independence Inn. Sookie makes a good peach sauce. Michel doesn't want to help Rory with her French paper. Rory gets accepted to Chilton. Lane's mom is happy Rory's changing schools. Lorelai can't pay the enrollment fee. She gets the money from her parents. Emily shows up on Rory's first day of school. Bickering commences. Rory and Lorelai share a long hug after the first day.
We join the Gilmores at the weekly Friday dinner appointment, already in progress. Grampa is congratulating Emily on a lovely dinner. Emily and Grampa go back and forth listing the various people they've had hired on as help. They argue over which ones they liked and which ones they didn't. Lorelai asks her father how he could confuse two people that he employed when one was a man and one was a woman. He says that he's too busy to pay attention to the "multitude" of people Emily has hired on for help. Rich people humor. Bwa-ha-ha. Then Lorelai tries to compliment the woman bringing out the dessert and gets her name incorrect. Lorelai tells Emily that the woman's name is Sarah. "I thought she said, 'Mira,'" Emily excuses. Lorelai is mortified. Rory compliments the dishes. Emily says they were Rory's great-grandmother's. "Lorelai the First," Grampa says. Oh, dear. Here come more Lorelai jokes. "I thought Mom was the first," Rory says. Grampa makes a noise like he's cold and disgusted. "Not in the name," Emily sing-songs. Lorelai says she was "a trailblazer" in other things. She smiles at Emily and says she was just completing her thought. Grampa goes on with a long list of accomplishments the first Lorelai had until Emily interrupts him to shout for Mira to cut the cake. Lorelai shouts that she should bring Sarah out with her. Uncomfortable moment followed by Rory pouting. Fade to opening credits.
Bad thing about the SAG strike: repeats of the "Whassap" commercial. Good thing about the SAG strike: repeats of the "Mr. Roboto" commercial. Hee.
Emily asks Lorelai how her "charming, little inn" is going. Lorelai says they're keeping their fingers crossed that it doesn't become large and rude. Rory tells Emily that Lorelai is hosting a wedding party at the inn. Emily gives an "Isn't that nice," and just as Lorelai is about to brag about the size and importance of the wedding, Emily asks Rory how Chilton is going. "Okay, done with me now," Lorelai says. "I'm sorry, was there more to the story?" Emily asks. Lorelai puts the focus back on Rory by saying she has to pick a team sport to play. It's awfully dark in their dining room. Grampa wakes up to say that physical fitness is as important as mental fitness. Lorelai says she should go out for debate. "It's not a sport," Rory says. "Oh, it is the way the Gilmores play," Lorelai smiles. Rory goes down the list of available sports to pick. When she hits "golf," Emily stops her to say that Grampa is "a golf player." She says that Grampa could take Rory to the club and teach her how to play. Grampa gives a warning "Emily." He says that golf isn't something you can teach in an afternoon. Lorelai tells Rory to pick something else. But Emily already has her mind made up, because she only likes to do that once per topic, and says that Grampa will take Rory to the country club this weekend and teach her how to golf. She tells Rory she can use Lorelai's old golf clubs. "They're upstairs gathering dust with the rest of her potential." Lorelai asks to talk to Emily in private. Emily says they're about to have dessert. Lorelai says she'd like to talk to Emily fast, "before the sugar kicks in and makes [her] crazy."
In the bickering room, Lorelai tells Emily she shouldn't force Rory and Grampa to go golfing together if they don't want to. Emily says that Lorelai is afraid that Rory would have a good time and enjoy the club without Lorelai. All hackles come up, and bickering continues with smirks and crossed arms as they decide to take the Barkley/Broccoli approach. You remember that from Sesame Street, don't you? The big orange dog stood in the center of Sesame Street while both sides called the two different names, and whichever group of people the dog ran to, that became the dog's new name. I liked Broccoli better, by the way. This turns into Lorelai and Emily arguing back and forth until Emily twists the logic into making Lorelai sound just as manipulative and conniving as she is, until Lorelai tells her she wins. Emily smirks, thanks her, and walks out of the room. And just like that, the Sunday afternoon of two other people has been decided.
As Lorelai and Rory walk back from the house, Lorelai apologizes for Rory having to go golfing. Rory says she might end up liking it. She asks if Lorelai will go with her. Lorelai scoffs at the idea. "I'd rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you." Rory starts to walk away, but Lorelai pulls her back. "I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you." She says she's on a roll, and says, "I'd rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh! I'd rather, um, get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you." Rory asks if Lorelai would like her to drive so she can keep going. Lorelai hands her the keys, thanks her, and continues with, "I'd rather cut off my head and use it as a punch bowl than go to the club with you."
Wacky MIDI music starts the wedding planning at the inn. The wedding is for a set of twin girls. They are complaining about the flowers. Since one wanted pink and the other wanted blue, Lorelai went with violet flowers. They clearly still want pink and blue. The mother of the twins turns and gives them a very tight-lipped statement about being the one that actually picked violet flowers, and if they don't like it they can buy their own wedding. The twins look down, and at each other. One wears pink, the other blue. "Yes, I thought so," the mother says. She's good at the Gilmore delivery as well. Another key point in the delivery that I'd forgotten to mention before is saying the line very quickly and keying (that's an acting term meaning stress, for those of you that don't care) almost the last word in the sentence. It should almost come out like a question. The mother sends them away because her Advil is wearing off. They pout away. "Their father spoiled them," DevilTwinMaker says to Lorelai. "Oh, they're just excited," Lorelai says. "They're spoiled," DTM sneers. "And they won't move away," she mumbles. The ladies turn away and walk in another direction.
DTM: "Now, disaster list. What if it rains?" Lorelai: "We'll put up tents." DTM: "What if it's too windy?" Lorelai: "Well, then we'll secure everything and put extra hairspray in everybody's hair." DTM: "Too hot?" "We'll use umbrellas and fans that won't cause any damage because of the things that have been secured and the hairspray that has been sprayed." DTM says there must be something she should worry about. Lorelai says there's nothing for her to worry about. She sends DTM upstairs for a bath and tells her she'll send up a masseuse "that bears a remarkable resemblance to Antonio Banderas." "How remarkable?" "Get ready to applaud." DTM says this is her favorite place in the whole world.
Back in the lobby, Michel hands out gift baskets as Lorelai asks a clerk to send up the masseuse in twenty minutes. Lorelai asks Michel if there are any problems. "With the wedding or my life?" "One guess, and I'll give you a hint. It's not your life." The wedding is going just fine. Lorelai asks if Rory has called. She hasn't. Lorelai starts to tell Michel about the past fifteen minutes of the episode, but stops herself to say that Michel doesn't care at all. "To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon," he says. Hee. Lorelai wonders where the grooms are. Just as they're speculating that perhaps the grooms made a run for it, Michel stares off into space and slowly Frenches, "Oh. Dear." Two men stand at the top of the lobby. "Wow," Lorelai whispers. "Are those...?" Michel begins. "No," Lorelai whispers again. "That'd be too..." The twins, in tennis clothes, run up to the men in suits and they hug. Two sets of twins. Getting married. "Weird," Lorelai finishes whispering. "You kept this from me on purpose," Michel drones. "It's like a really snooty Doublemint commercial," Lorelai says. Michel walks away with a, "Just let me know when the midgets and clowns arrive." Me too, Michel. Lorelai stops him and says he has to get them all settled in. He says he's not talking to them. She says he is. "Well, I'm not talking to them nicely."
Grampa and Emily argue about Rory being late for the club and what Grampa is wearing. Grampa says that Rory would probably rather be at the mall. Emily plans the rest of their day as Grampa says he's just going to teach her how to golf, but he isn't planning on doing anything else with her. Rory's doorbell interrupts their argument. Emily tells him to show off their granddaughter to the club. She informs him that it will mean quite a bit to his happiness to obey her. Everyone is all smiles when Rory walks in. Rory asks if she looks okay for the club. Emily adds a crochet tam and hands her a bag of clubs. Rory and Grampa look just like my sister and I must have the time my mother woke us up at seven in the morning on a Saturday in this gigantic menopausal rage and screamed that we were going to the beach with my friends and we were going "to have a good goddamn time, goddammit!" As we sniffed and sobbed down the street, dangling our swimsuits through the dirt, we cursed our mother for making us go outside and have fun. Three minutes after we arrived at my friend's house, Mom called us on the phone all smiles and tears, telling us to be careful and "be good." My sister got stung by a jellyfish on that trip. I don't think she's ever forgiven my mother. Emily closes the door behind Rory and Grampa, looks around her house, and gives a giant self-satisfied sigh. Silent fade to commercial.
Gramps and Rory walk through the club as he brags about how hard it is to get into this country club. As the caddies set the clubs down behind them, Grampa asks Rory what she knows about golf. Rory quotes Twain to say, "'It's a good walk spoiled.'" Grampa sighs and starts telling Rory about the importance of the driver. Grampa corrects Rory's stance and talks her through her first swing. She whacks a giant amount of grass and dirt into the air. Oh, the good clean fun. I have a wholesome laugh and make another pot of homemade cocoa. Grampa tells her she's doing fine and sets up the ball again. Rory whacks, and more dirt soars into the air. Even Grampa can't help but grimace, knowing that when Palmer shows up week he's going to throw a gigantic hissyfit. He's not worried about Tiger, however, since the club is way too exclusive to let him in, obviously.
Our favorite weekly exchange is already in progress. Sookie and the Produce Guy (who happens to be Alex Borstein's real-life boyfriend, and who does have a name -- Jackson -- the same name he has on the show) are discussing strawberries this week. He brought her blueberries instead of strawberries, since there weren't any good strawberries this week. She asks to see the strawberries. He says no. Lorelai walks in and asks for some cake to bring to Rory, since she'll need to cheer her up after her golf day. Lorelai does the kitchen recap, which seems to happen to these two characters every week at the halfway point. And just like last week, Michel comes in and announces that Lorelai is needed in the lobby. I listen to what Michel said three times, but I still can't figure it out. Something about "para bout sock wars" and that he's running out of French cuss words to give them.
Oh, the twins are fighting. Oh, Lord, one of them is named Jessica. I'm assuming the other is Elizabeth. DTM walks up and says she can't listen to them argue over soup or salad anymore and that she wants a cab so she can go far away. Lorelai suggests that the guests get a choice of soup or salad. DTM gives a stammering, "That might work," and walks back to the fighting girl-on-girl-hot-blonde-twin action. I really just wrote that to fit "hot-girl-on-girl" and "action" into this Family Funded show. Sookie, Lorelai, and Michel watch the twin brides hug the twin grooms and comment on how creepy it all is. Lorelai has a hard time telling them apart. Michel brags that he can tell the one on the left is Matt and the one on the right is Mark because he's very good at recognizing the subtleties of personality, the sound of their voices, the ins and outs of people. He says that it's a gift. Sookie points out that one of them has a Post-It note on his back. Michel says that then he had it backwards, and that Post-It guy is Mark. Lorelai tells him to take the Post-It note off Mark's back. "I will not. We can't all just call everyone 'Sweetie' and get away with it." Sookie wonders whether, if Mark accidentally had sex with the wrong twin, even if he thought it was his wife, it would count as cheating. Lorelai thinks it wouldn't. Michel finds the entire wedding obscene. Lorelai tells him he won't be giving the wedding toast.
Lorelai walks DTM to the door as DTM asks if she has any children. Lorelai says she has a daughter. DTM asks if she ever hates her. Lorelai confesses that she didn't like Rory very much during labor. DTM leans from the door and announces that was the high point for her.
Pan down to Rory and Gramps walking back from the golf game. Rory is very excited that she did hit the ball once, even though it went into the water. Grampa says it did make an impressive splash. Rory compliments the club and asks if he comes here often. He tells her that he works a lot, but comes here when he can. The caddies walk silently behind them like they're supposed to, at fifty paces. Rory asks Grampa what he does for a living. He gives his official title. She asks what that is, exactly. He says that he runs a very big company and a "myriad of duties." He tells her that he oversees their international division. She asks if that means he has to travel. He says it does. She talks about how many places she'd like to travel to. She wants to go to Fez. He says that travelling is important when you're young. He says he wishes Lorelai got to travel. Rory tells him that her and her mother are planning on travelling when Rory graduates. Grampa says he'll make sure that'll happen. A woman drives up in her golf cart, holding her dog, and tells Grampa they'll have to get together. As she drives off, Grampa whispers in Rory's ear, "Most odious woman alive."
Grampa and Rory end up at a set of double doors. He tells Rory that they will meet back in front of these doors in forty-five minutes. He says if she'd like, they can get some lunch. She agrees. They both walk inside their respective doors.
Inside the men's steam room, three older gentlemen are arguing about someone stealing a golf cart. Grampa walks in and sits down. One of the men ask Grampa who the young kid is. He begins bragging about Rory. The other three start complaining about their horrible grandchildren who like to be pierced and "run wild through the streets." "Cut her off! That'll get her attention!" one of them curmudgeons. Grampa brags that Rory is attending Chilton. The other three are impressed that Gramps grew himself a good one, and not some crazy teenager who's just going to listen to that rock and roll rubbish. We fade to black as Grampa looks into his newspaper, pleased, and I start to wonder why my living room smells of grumpy old men.
Fade up on Rory sitting in the women's steam room. She's listening to Rich Lady Gossip, which I find too tedious in real life to reprint here. Golf Cart Yippie Dog Lady from earlier walks in and smiles at the two Gossips. She calls them "Nanette" and something that sounds exactly like "Pig." They give each other the empty, smiley, "We must get together." Golf Cart Yippie Dog Lady leaves, and Pig says to Nanette, "Most odious woman alive." Rory smiles and looks like she's thinking, "My people!"
MIDI music brings us back to Wacky Wedding Wednesday. Lorelai is walking around ordering changes to be made to the setup. She even starts insulting the Swan Deliverer when he doesn't know his way around the Inn like she does. Lorelai calls Michel over and asks him to show Swan Guy where the swans go. He says, "Absolutely not." He tells Lorelai that he hates swans. She asks if he hates these particular swans. He says he hates all swans. He says that he was attacked by a band of swans when he was a little boy. "No one forgets that." Lorelai tries not to laugh as she says of course no one forgets being attacked by a band of swans. "Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery, *NSYNC kind of fiasco?" Michel says this isn't funny. The swan squawks, sending Michel into a fear fit, which then makes Lorelai laugh. She says he has to admit that it is a bit funny. Speaking of swans, "Hey, Pepe Le Pew, you wanna give me a hand with this?" Drella is carrying her harp towards Michel. "No," Michel says. Lorelai tells him it's Drella or the swans. Drella asks what Michel's problem is. Lorelai tells her that he's afraid of the swans. "Of course he is. He's French." Michel opts to take care of the swans. As Michel half-jumps in front of the Swan Deliverer and leads him to the pond, Drella cocks her head and says, "Can't stand the talk. Love to watch the walk."
Rory is spilling her steam-room gossip to Gramps over lunch. They are enjoying themselves. I kind of feel like this goes against Rory's character, but who am I to judge? I just met her two episodes ago. It's not like I should know anything about her. Two older men walk in and ask Gramps if they can join them. Gramps introduces them as Julian Edwards and Edward James. They both go by Ed. Whee! They sit down and ask Rory how Chilton is going. Gramps brags that Rory has a 4.0 grade point average and is going to Fez. "What the hell is in Fez?" Ed II asks. "That's for her to find out," Gramps says. Pan over to the flattered Rory as we fade quietly to commercial.
Back at the diner, Mr. Nutrition tells Rory her hat is interesting. She tells him that she went golfing today. He asks if she knows how many chemicals are in the stuff they put on the lawns, and how it's destroying the environment. She snots that she did. She then apologizes for her bad joke. Mr. Nutrition walks away as Lorelai walks in with some cake, complains about her day, and orders a cheeseburger. She asks what's up with the hat. "Gramma gave it to me," Rory says. "Aw, now that's just mean," Lorelai smiles. Rory takes it off. Lorelai asks how bad Rory's day was. Rory says that she had fun. Lorelai says she brought Rory cake to make her feel better. Rory asserts that it really wasn't that bad. Lorelai says that Rory is the best kid in the whole world. She then snaps to Mr. Nutrition that her food isn't ready yet. Hi, it's been like, two minutes? Rory talks about golf some more, about how she actually hit the ball by the end of the day.
Lorelai asks if Rory ordered yet. Rory says she's not hungry because she had a big lunch at the club. "With all the other devastators of our land," Mr. Nutrition grumbles. Rory apologizes again and says she didn't know. Lorelai asks again if Rory had a big lunch at the club. Rory says she did, and that it was "quite good." "Quite? What's with the 'quite?'" They argue over the use of the word "quite" for a while, until Lorelai asks what else happened. Rory said that she met Grampa's friends, took a steam, sweated out toxins, and stole a towel. Lorelai says it sounds like she had a good time. Rory says she did. They then say the word "really" back and forth until Rory asks for a new word. Lorelai is shocked that Rory had a good time at the club. She starts the "really" thing again until Rory makes her stop. Rory says that her and Grampa talked about travelling and trips and stuff. Lorelai says it's "really, really great" that Rory had a good time. Her cheeseburger arrives. Lorelai isn't hungry anymore. Mr. Nutrition complains. Lorelai: "Things change. Move on." Rory asks if the hat really looks bad on her. Lorelai stares for a while and says it looks cute.
Miss Patty is coaching the brides and grooms on ballroom dancing. She grabs one of the grooms and fondles him.
Lorelai finds Rory in the lobby. Michel brings over the phone. It's Lorelai's father, but the call is actually for Rory. Rory gets happy and walks off with the phone. Lorelai is not happy about this.
DTM is telling Drella the different songs she wants played at the wedding reception. Drella says that she's not a jukebox. "You think I started playing the harp because I thought it would be really cool or finally get me in with the in-crowd? Or maybe it would get me some good Happy Hour conversation?" She says she plays how she feels. The music drives her. DTM offers her an extra hundred dollars. "You just got yourself a jukebox."
Lorelai watches Rory talking on the phone and gets all sad. Cue strummy, strummy, la-la music that signifies the sadness in Lorelai's heart.
Rory and Lorelai sit at the table on their porch. Rory looks at herself in a mirror. Lorelai asks if she should leave "you two" alone. Rory says she thinks she wants to change her hair. "Really? I think it looks quite good." Rory walks in to get something to drink. Lorelai asks what Rory and Grampa talked about. Rory says he found a book they'd been talking about. Lorelai says that Grampa has never called the inn before. She asks what book it was. Rory says some incredibly obscure book title, which prompts Lorelai to drone, "Ohhh, that one."
Yeah! Sally Struthers! My favorite part in any Gilmore Girls episode. Her cat is stuck under their front porch. Rory goes to get some vegetable oil for her. Sally says that her lover was playing some Theloneous on the piano, which always turns her on. Sound of a cat wailing. Sally yells for him to play her home. The piano starts up as Sally moans on the steps, "Oh, God! It's killing me!" Rory walks back as Lorelai asks, "You know what I was just thinking?" Rory: "That Madonna and Sean Penn should get back together?" Lorelai says that the golfing trip should count as a Friday dinner and that the two of them should go and see a movie that Friday. Rory says she wants to go to the dinner, because she wants to get the book from Grampa. Lorelai pouts for a few seconds and then asks if Rory's wearing her sweater. Rory says she is. Lorelai says she wishes Rory would ask before she borrowed things. Rory apologizes and says she forgot. This launches a gigantic sister-like argument about taking things that don't belong to you and how Rory is now going to stretch out the sweater because her boobs are larger than Lorelai's. Rory says her boobs aren't larger, and Lorelai says they should get out a measuring tape right now and compare. Millions of teenage boys walk into the living room to see what porn their older sisters are watching and then slowly fall asleep leaning behind the couch. Lorelai and Rory continue to argue until Rory storms off. Lorelai sits down and pouts as we fade quietly to commercial.
The only time in the entire day that both of my cats sit still and face the television is when Gilmore Girls is on. It's strange. They're all quiet and serene. Something is really strange, here. I don't trust it at all.
Sookie and Lorelai walk down the street. Lorelai says she didn't get a chance to apologize and wonders what's wrong with her. Sookie says that Lorelai is just possessive over her sweaters. She says she gets the same way and when someone touches her sweaters; she becomes "a crazy spider monkey." My boyfriend laughs in the other room. This show, I swear. Strange things happen to my apartment when it's on. One cat just came over and rubbed his head on my thigh. This has never happened. My sister called to ask what address she should send the money to that she borrowed in 1997. I found my left black strappy pump. Suddenly there's a new bottle of orange juice in the fridge. I just got an email from my closest friend. The living room doesn't smell like cigarettes and stale beer anymore, and now has this warm sandalwood smell. Kind of like a happy stripper's home. I don't trust any of it. Lorelai says that she's upset that Rory had fun with her Grampa. She says that she feels terrible for feeling bad about it. Sookie says that Lorelai is jealous because her parents like Rory more than her. Sookie apologizes for being so harsh. Lorelai says she never thought that Rory would like that rich lifestyle. Sookie interrupts the conversation when she sees some strawberries across the street.
As Lorelai helps the fallen bicycler who hit gravel when Sookie blew across the street, Sookie gushes over the pretty strawberries. Lorelai comes up and says she just never thought she'd raise a kid that would like those kinds of things. Sookie isn't listening too much because she's piling up strawberries. Lorelai asks if she has to put on her strawberry costume to get her to listen. Sookie says she doesn't, but then asks about the strawberry costume. This directs our attention to Jackson, AKA Produce Guy, who has spotted Sookie playing in the strawberries. He storms up to her and says he can't believe she'd sneak behind his back to buy someone else's strawberries. She says she was desperate. He says she disgusts him. They begin running after each other down the street. Sookie screams that she's sorry and that they can work it out. Jackson is too upset to listen. They almost get hit by a car.
The wedding is in full effect. People are smiling and passing champagne. Dancing. Harping. Drella sips a beer in-between strums. Miss Patty shakes her groove thing. Toasts are made. DTM hugs Lorelai and thanks her for everything. DTM says she's incredibly happy because the twins just told her they're going to share a condo in Tucson. "That's hundreds of miles away," she giggles. She runs off, exclaiming that she must dance to Sister Sledge.
Lorelai spots Rory at the register book and sits down beside her. After small talk, Lorelai apologizes. Rory accepts. Lorelai says she's glad that Rory is bonding with her grandparents but that it's weird for her. She says she can't do it, but she's glad Rory is. Lorelai apologizes for cutting Rory off from them when she was growing up and says she never thought Rory would want to be in their lives. They notice a woman across the way pushing her young daughter into a chair, telling her not to run around and play because her dress cost too much money. Lorelai moans that she had so many dresses like that. Rory thanks her for never making her wear a dress like that. Lorelai says the dress has some perks, like the way it flies up when you twirl. She says if you wear frilly panties underneath it's a real crowd pleaser. Rory says, "If it makes you feel better, I think I got a fungus from the steam room." Lorelai smiles and says, "It does. Thank you." Rory tucks her head on Lorelai's shoulder. Lorelai kisses her head.
Wedding guests dance to "We are Family." I got it, I got it. Family = good.
Lorelai and Rory show up at the grandparents', holding leftover blueberry shortcake. Emily doesn't want it anymore when she finds out it's leftovers from the wedding. It's things like that that keep me from liking her. Emily brags that Rory had a good time with Grampa. Emily says they should consider getting Rory a membership at the club. Emily thinks it would be good for Rory to have a place to go to hang out with her friends. Lorelai agrees that would be a good idea, since the crackhouse on the corner shut down and took most of Rory's good friends with it. After a three-second pause, Lorelai asks if Emily thinks she should stick with the comedy career. Emily says it's "interesting the way things turn out." Lorelai scoffs. Grampa walks in and says he found a first edition of the memoirs of the author of the obscure book. He invites Rory into his office to take a look at them. She walks after him. Emily says she'd like to look as well. Everyone walks into the office, leaving Lorelai sitting alone on the couch, sipping white wine and feeling a bit out of place.
week, Rory hits a deer. Lorelai gets silly at some class. Rory fronts Paris. Some bet is made. I giggle again. Dammit! I hate it when they make me giggle. Oh, okay. I like this show. Reluctantly, but I do. Dammit.