Ben is seeing a Steve Buscemi look-alike in his office, conducting a patient history interview. Buscemi skips ahead and answers all the questions he thinks Ben is going to ask. Ben asks if he's unhappy with the pace of the interview. Buscemi replies that he's seen a lot of doctors, and they always want to know the same things, so he thought he would save them the trouble. Ben explains that he wants to take the history fresh, in order to give a decent second opinion. We learn that Buscemi's former doctor is named Califano. Ben expositions that Buscemi is severely anemic, with low red-blood-cell count, and also has problems with his bone marrow being depleted and scarred. I don't like to talk about bone marrow. It's inside your bones. Inside your bones! Isn't that creepy?
Anyway, Buscemi reports that Califano thinks he has one of two diseases, but doesn't know which. Ben says that Califano want to do a bone marrow transplant, even though they don't have a matching donor, and wonders if Buscemi knows the risks. Buscemi does know the risks, and he knows he only has six months to live, but he wishes Califano would tell him exactly what's wrong with him. Ben can't believe Califano told Buscemi he only has three months to live, and when Buscemi looks up with hope in his face and asks if Ben disagrees, Ben says, "I would be reluctant to be so precise." Buscemi makes to leave, saying that this was all a mistake, and Ben can't figure out why Buscemi suddenly wants to leave. Buscemi starts recounting how he was tired all the time, and then he fainted, and then he was told that half his blood cells are gone, and that he has six months to live. Meanwhile, all the doctors are telling him "maybe, probably, could be, I would be reluctant to be so precise." Buscemi says that he just wants some facts, and then stumbles a bit, and Ben catches him and sits him down. Buscemi calms down and repeats that he only has six months to live. Is every episode of this show going to be about a terminal patient who gets cured by some miracle? Because that could get really old, really fast.
Ben makes cute with his kids, who are asking about Christmas. Turns out his oldest kid, Christian, isn't "doing the Christmas thing this year." The housekeeper shows up and shuttles the kids off somewhere.
Preacher (we saw him in the last episode) is telling Stiles that, normally, the hospital holiday show is normally lame, and this year he wants it to be an extravaganza. Stiles volunteers to ferret out talent on the staff. Good luck with that. Preacher reminds her to touch on all the cultural aspects -- Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. Stiles fills in, "The Christmas story." Like with Ralphie and the Red Ryder BB Gun? ["'You'll put your eye out!' Sorry, could resist." -- Sars] Oh, she means Jesus and that. Preacher doesn't really get what she means, so she explains. Stiles is surprised, being a man of the cloth, that Preacher isn't into it, but he says he's more into the nature thing, like solstice. He leaves, telling Stiles to "find [him] greatness." Max calls out to Stiles and offers his help with whatever she needs. He lingers way too long, and then walks away. Stiles asks Boies what that was all about, and Boies says that Max obviously wants to sing. I don't know why Max can't just volunteer. Stiles wonders if Max is a good singer, and Boies says, "What do you sound like when the headphones come off?" Max walks back and says, "Dr. Stiles? Anything at all."
Ben is down in the lab with Lab Guy. They discuss astronomy. Lab Guy knows way too much about it, and Ben says, "You'll never marry." Lab Guy responds, "I've made my peace with it." Ben asks about Lab Guy's Christmas plans. Lab Guy says, "The usual. Pick up a hooker, have her lip-sync the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas album for me." Hee! Lab Guy is funny. Ben giggles. Lab Guy isn't joking. Ben asks Lab Guy to look at a slide in the microscope, asking for a diagnosis. Lab Guy doesn't choose either of the disease options Ben presents (which are the two that Califano made on Buscemi).
Stiles is trying to get Ollie to participate in the holiday show. Stiles wants Ollie to play a virgin. Ollie refuses. Stiles says that Sid is doing it, and Sid sounds surprised to hear this. Stiles offers to cover his three nights on call. Sid agrees. Stiles asks him to get Ollie involved. Sid doesn't think it's likely.
Wyatt's car won't start. Child Bride gripes that it's not Christmas in this city, but it would be in Wyoming. Wyatt says they can't afford to go, and Child Bride says that her dad would buy them tickets. Child Bride brings up the whole "sit home alone all the time while her husband works" thing again. She comes up with a plan to make it work, given that he only has Christmas Day off, but Wyatt doesn't want to spend all his vacation time on a plane. While I appreciate the sentiment, he could make an effort to save his marriage. I'm just sayin'. ["Or Child Bride could get a job. Just throwing that out there." -- Sars] Child Bride says she's going regardless.
Ben sees Califano in the cafeteria, and sits with him. Ben tells him about Buscemi. Califano talks about the slides, but Ben expresses doubts and wonders if the transplant is necessary. Ben goes over all the risks. Califano runs the odds, which are basically none. Ben thinks they should wait. Califano says they're doing the marrow transplant. Uh-oh! Pissing match!
Stiles is after Cherry to be in the show. Cherry doesn't want "the Jew slot." Stiles asks if there's something he will do. Cherry says he'll do a magic act. Oh, I can't wait for this one. Stiles asks him to include the Hanukkah story in his act. Cherry will try to "work something into the patter."
Buscemi shows up as Ben is leaving for the day. They go back to Ben's office. Buscemi asks if Califano is wrong. Ben says they look at the data and see different things. Ben wants to wait and do more tests. Buscemi is sick of waiting, and sick of tests, because he doesn't have much time left. He wants to address this. Ben goes over the risks of a transplant again, emphasizing that it is "very, very tough," and while Buscemi might live, he might wish that he hadn't. Buscemi is discouraged. Ben asks how old the universe is. Buscemi says that there are differing theories, and you figure it out by doing experiments and testing hypotheses. Ben proposes they do that with Buscemi's disease, going to the chalkboard and making like John Madden.
Wyatt is asking Boies for some time off. Boies isn't going for it. Wyatt plays the "marriage trouble" card. Boies guesses that Child Bride wants Wyatt to make a choice, and it's "an old story." Wyatt says that it's "still [his] life and [he] still has to deal with it." Wyatt tells Boies to forget it. Boies says that he's already made his choice, and his wife wants him to take it back. He gives Wyatt three days if he can find someone to cover. Wyatt says he doesn't want it badly enough to owe Boies like that. Boies chuckles and says Wyatt really doesn't want it. Ah, Boies. Wise like Solomon.
Califano bursts into Ben's lab, saying that Buscemi called and cancelled the marrow transplant. Ben says they're culturing his stem cells, because if his marrow is sound, he doesn't need a transplant. Califano says it'll take weeks to do that, and Buscemi needs help now. Ben says they're trying drugs to up his blood count in the meantime. Califano says that the drugs could be worthless, or worse, cause leukemia. Califano asks who Buscemi's doctor is. Ben says Califano is, but he's offering options. Califano's going to advise Buscemi to do the transplant as soon as possible, and storms out. Lab Guy, who was sitting silently in the background, says, "You guys do a midnight show?" Hee!
Stiles is talking to a male nurse who performs regularly at a cabaret as Billie. I'm assuming Holliday. Stiles asks him to sing "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing," and asks if he has an appropriate outfit. Nurse says, "I've got a big closet. Just tell me what you need." I'm sure his closet his big, but he seems to have been out of it for some time now. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Stiles says, "Something festive," and Nurse replies, "My middle name." Ollie walks by and comments on the nurse. Stiles says she's not getting many offers, and begs Ollie to play Mary. Stiles throws in the Herod role too, and Ollie agrees. Max shows up out of nowhere, as usual, and asks to sing. Stiles says she has no slots left. Max looks disappointed, but says he wants to know if a slot opens.
Ben walks around the corner and asks Max what Califano said about him. Max says nothing was said, because while Califano "holds himself in high regard, he's not a whiner." Ben asks about Max's Christmas plans. Max is going skiing with some lady. Ben says he's spending it with family, except for his aforementioned son. Max thinks it's serious, and tells Ben to talk to his son. Ben asks about Califano again. Max points out that Ben is talking about him a lot, and maybe he's projecting. Ben thinks Max is being a busybody.
Cherry is trying, without any success, to get one of the nurses to pick a card. He orders them to pick a card, and it still doesn't work. Boies walks into his office/the break room (still haven't figured that one out) as Wyatt exits. Boies sees Ollie sitting there. Ollie says Wyatt wanted to talk, which is weird because people don't normally think of her as a sympathetic ear. Boies asks if it was about "the wife," and Ollie fills in, "The wife. The work. Why am I here? What am I giving up?" Ollie says it's the time of year when everyone is celebrating, and you're working. She says she wants to be a doctor, but she'd like to have a life too. Boies says they became doctors because they didn't want lives. Ollie thinks that's too cynical, and offers to get a drink with Boies on Christmas Day, after work. Cherry busts in and says there's a problem with a male who's having difficulty breathing. Boies rushes out to treat the man, who is on the floor, and -- surprise! It's Buscemi!
Ben looks in on Califano talking to Buscemi. Boies gives Ben the rundown on Buscemi's condition. Ben asks why he wasn't called when Buscemi was admitted. Boies says that he's Califano's patient. Ben says that Buscemi is on his watch too, and it's Boies's job to know that. Ooh, Ollie better move over in that doghouse and make room for the Chief.
Ben walks into Buscemi's room as Califano is telling him that they found a donor match. Ben says they should talk in his office, but Califano wants to do it in front of the patient. Ben gives him the Braugher stare, and then admits that the donor match they have is "insignificant." They argue over the significance, and Ben says he wants to continue his course of experiments. Califano accuses Ben of just wanting to finish his tests. Califano says there are too many chefs, and Buscemi has to choose. Buscemi picks up a whiteboard and writes, "Odds?" Califano says that with the transplant, the odds are not great, but without the transplant, the odds are zero. Hard decisions have to be made. Buscemi holds the board up to Ben, who says he can't run odds on a mystery, and sometimes the hardest decision is to do nothing. Buscemi writes on his whiteboard, "Go Away," and holds it up to both men. Califano pauses on the way out and says, "Let the nurses know if you have any questions." After he leaves, Ben adds, "Whatever you decide, you have hope." Buscemi holds up the "Go Away" sign again, so Ben leaves.
Outside, Califano tells Ben that he's been "working this patient for the last six weeks," and accuses Ben of taking advantage of Buscemi's fear. Califano thinks if they had done the transplant earlier, Buscemi wouldn't be "in there with a tube down this throat." Ben disagrees, but Califano thinks this is about Ben always being right. He walks away, and Ben sighs. Cut to Buscemi lying in his hospital bed.
Cherry is telling Sid and Ollie that the Bible's coverage of the story of Jesus' birth is remarkably inconsistent. Welcome to Biblical study, Cherry. Sid worries that it's just the three of them. Cherry says he's not doing the Christmas story, so it's really just the two of them. Stiles arrives and starts excitedly handing out props. Ollie asks if it's just the two of them participating. Sid balks at wearing a turban as a Wise Man, because he thinks it will make him look like someone trying to coax a snake out of a basket. Ha! Stiles assures him that it's only one of his roles -- he'll also be the innkeeper's wife. Sid wants Ollie to be the wife, but Stiles explains that Ollie is Mary, and she can't turn herself away. Ollie starts reading her lines aloud, including parts about being a virgin, and says she's "willing to play a virgin" but "not willing to brag about it." She and Sid get up to leave. Stiles protests that "the sentiment has meaning for people." Sid says it's not the sentiment, it's the "prospect of complete humiliation." Stiles explains that she's far from home, and she doesn't know anyone here, and wonders if it's "too much to ask for something familiar, something that feels like home." Ollie looks at Sid, and then says, "Yes." They leave. Then...Max shows up, noting that "a slot has opened in the show." Stiles sighs.
Ben asks his son about the Christmas boycott. Ben thinks it's because his son misses his mother, but his mother would have wanted her family together. The son thinks Ben is dating someone, and bringing her to Christmas dinner. Ben says he's not dating anyone, or bringing anyone to Christmas. The son thinks that Christmas should be family. Ben asks if this means he will be celebrating, which is too bad, because he gave all his gifts away. A water fight erupts. Ben's beeper goes off.
Ben walks into Buscemi's room. Buscemi writes on his whiteboard, "U R my chef." I'll excuse the Prince-y spelling because, well, he's dying. Maybe. Ben starts explaining the course of treatment he wants to follow, explaining the risk of leukemia. He asks if there are any questions, and Buscemi writes, "Plz don't kill me." Oh, man. Merry Christmas. Ben nods.
Ben is studying a refrigerator in the lab. Lab Guy shows up and tells him that the cultures are still one day short of the incubation period. Ben is anxious to know. Lab Guy emphasizes that looking at the cultures now would contaminate the samples. Lab Guy starts throwing out optional diagnoses, but Ben says that Califano has ruled all of them out. Lab Guy says that maybe Califano is right, and Ben doesn't want to admit it. Ben gets angry and says it's not about ego. He wants an answer. Lab Guy tells him again to wait. Ben starts to leave, but then walks back and wants to open the refrigerator. Lab Guy reminds him that if they contaminate the samples, they'll have to start all over again. Ben says he wants to know, and opens the door.
Cut to Ben writing, "Good news!" on the whiteboard to show Buscemi. Cut to Ben telling Califano the results. Califano admits that Ben was right. Ben says they are both working for the same thing. Califano tells him not to do it again.
Buscemi is about to be discharged. Ben admits that they still don't know what's wrong with him, and he may get sick again. Buscemi asks how he knew what to do. Ben says that he listened to his doubts, and tells Buscemi to go home. Buscemi non-sequiturs about working with a telescope, and being grateful to see things in the sky. Ben tells Buscemi to stop by the holiday show before he leaves.
At said holiday show, some guys in jester/Santa hats play "We Three Kings" on steel drums and bongos. It's actually not bad. Stiles, backstage, thanks them. Cherry walks up with a cape and top hat and asks if Stiles liked his act. Stiles avoids answering, asking where Max is. Cherry keeps bugging her, saying that he turned one candle into eight, because she wanted Hanukkah. I'm so sad that we didn't get to see Cherry's act. Max shows up, wearing a fedora and carrying an amp or something. He walks onstage and does a Sinatra impersonation, singing, "Luck Be A Lady." Oh, God. Now I've got David from Real World's "Come On, Be My Baby Tonight" stuck in my head. Anyway, Max is a great singer. Stiles and Boies are surprised.
Male Nurse shows up in a Mrs. Santa costume. He's terrible. Backstage, Ollie asks where Wyatt is, and Sid goes to find him. Wyatt is up on the roof, watching the planes take off. Wyatt explains that Child Bride is spending Christmas with her parents, and is going to stay out there "a while" because she "needs time." Sid asks how Wyatt feels about it. Wyatt doesn't know. They both head inside. Wyatt asks if Sid is spending Christmas with his family. Sid says he'll be at the hospital, which in some way means that he is. That would be funny and original, except I just watched the ER last night where Jeanie puts the star on top of the Christmas tree, and Doyle tells her that she should put it on her family tree, and Jeanie says, "I just did."
Male Nurse is finishing up his song. It's still terrible. Ben and Max chat in the back of the room. Ben takes off, and Max wonders where he's going. Ollie runs up to Stiles and says there's another act that isn't on the schedule. Ben walks out on stage and starts reading the story of the birth of Christ from the Bible. All of the residents stand in the back. I was wondering why there was no "And That's One To Grow On" segment this week -- I guess Ben reading the Bible takes its place. As Ben reads, we see Buscemi packing up to go home. Buscemi high-fives a janitor on the way out. He hugs a nurse. He stops by the holiday show and sees Ben finishing. I think I'm going to hire Andre Braugher to come to my house and just read things out loud. Ben says that there are many Christmas stories, and the things they have in common are "faith, hope, mysteries, and the miracles we find in humble places." Buscemi mouths, "Thank you," as everyone applauds. Everyone starts singing "Deck The Halls." A little kid hugs Lab Guy. He looks uncomfortable. The Male Nurse dances. I'm scared.
week: While you are all celebrating the holidays, I'll be recapping an episode where the doctors "can't save one of their own" on "a shocking Gideon's Crossing." I hope I get combat pay.