I bet you missed the shit out of this.
Mad props to the people who couldn't just let the last two episodes of the season go to waste without some MBTV coverage.
Underground Get Real episodes. How cool is that?
We open in the School Without Classes, as students are milling around, not in class. A cello plays a piece fit for an Infiniti ad. Principal Foreshadowing leads us in a voice-over: "There are fourteen hundred students at Truman High. All trying to get good grades. But the majority are more concerned about what they are wearing than what they are learning." Finally, the voice of truth. "Basically they are just getting by. Then there are those that stand out, those that do excel. Top ten percent. And out of that select group, there is one student that stands above the rest. Valedictorian." We all know where this is going, right? Starting big, global even, narrowing down the class population smaller and smaller until there is an undisputed Center of the Universe. "The class of 2000 Truman High is proud to announce that honor has been earned by you." The camera shifts to an uncomfortable Meghan. The cello screeches to a halt. Principal Foreshadowing tells Meghan to prepare a speech and to keep it short, since it'll be hot under those robes. Meghan asks if she has to be Valedictorian. PF scoffs that this is "a first." Meghan gives an uncomfortable grin that says, "If I don't contest this, I can't add more drama to my life."
Mitch is driving and talking on the cell phone. He's also leafing through a folder. A car drives past him in an intersection and honks. Mitch acts like he's the innocent one. Cue the police siren. Mitch gets off the phone, saying he just got pulled over. Now he's terribly inconvenienced.
Kim is on Mandatory Locker Check as Kenny walks up and demands a reason as to why she just broke up with him in a letter. He's all, "We've been going out two months and you break up with a note?" He's not even bothering to sign to her anymore. She tells him that there's someone else in her life. She tells him that he's a "great guy" and that she has "a lot of fun" with him. He's all, "Spare me, I read it." Her new guy's name is Matt. She says she cares about him, apologizes, and walks off. He watches her walk up to a big beefy guy. Big Beefy Guy hugs Kim and actually whispers something in her ear, which I find strange, but whatever. They walk off with their arms around each other. Kenny is not amused.
The police officer asks to see Mitch's license and registration. Mitch says that the other guy ran the stop sign. The officer asks if Mitch had anything to drink this morning. Mitch laughs and says that it's only nine o'clock. The officer says that Mitch was weaving. Mitch says that he was on the phone and stuff. The officer asks Mitch to step out of the car. Mitch scoffs at the sobriety test, and I'm wondering if he's in such a hurry, and innocent, then why he's stalling and laughing, making himself look even more guilty. The officer asks Mitch to take ten paces heel to toe. Mitch keeps falling and stumbling. He says that he's nervous, but the officer asks him to turn around. He cuffs him and says he has to take him into the station. Fade to white as Mitch is put in the squad car.
Oh, how I missed the opening theme song. "Family!"
Mitch is at the doctor's office with Mary. We know it's a doctor's office because there are sixteen x-rays behind him of various chests and brains. Not Mitch's, of course, but it makes things look more official. Mitch tells the doctor that he passed the breath test, but he failed all of the motor skills tests for the sobriety test. The doctor asks if Mitch has been having any problems with mobility. Mitch says that he fell the other day. Mary interrupts with a, "You didn't tell me that," as she fills out another page in her, "Keeping Constant Track of Your Family's Every Breathing Moment" journal. Mitch said he thought nothing of it, and that he was just being klutzy. Mitch says he gets the occasional headache, but he takes an aspirin and then he's fine. The doctor asks how work is going for him. Before Mitch can inhale, Mary tells the doctor that Mitch is under "a lot of stress." Gee, I wonder how that's possible. The doctor says that Mitch was just fine four months ago at his last physical. He says that this is probably just stress, and the first signs of hypertension. He tells Mitch to try some simple lifestyle changes (rest, exercise, diet) before they try any medication. He tells Mitch to come back in week, and to try not to drive until then. Mitch says that's impossible, but Mary interrupts to say that she'll make sure he doesn't drive. The doctor says this is all just a sign of getting older. Mary gives Mitch the "So, shut up, you old coot" look. "We're yet to find a cure for the common birthday," quips Heir Doctor. Yuk, yuk, yuk. As the doctor leaves, Mitch complains that his grandfather was ninety before they took his license away. Mary says that it's just temporary. Much exhaling.
School Without Classes. Greens-Only Staircase. I can't believe that these kids just sit on the bottom stair at a school with fourteen hundred kids and not one of them kicks their spines or shouts, "Move, asshole!" Kenny and Cam sit together as Kenny whines, "He's tall, good looking, biceps as big as my head and I find out later lucky bastard's even hearing impaired." Nice. Cam digs into his big bag of wisdom (it's inversely proportional to the size of his ears) and says that being dumped "sucks." Kenny says he doesn't recall Cam ever getting dumped. Cam says he has two words for Kenny: "Jo. Die." I think he meant "Slut. Girl," because that's two words, but they can't just call her Slutgirl without mentioning us, so there you go. Cam tells Kenny that they need to "get back in the game." And that they need to "hook up with some women." He tells Kenny he knows this great place where you can "smell the strawberry lip gloss." Kenny says he knows about this place, called The Pit, and that it's only for upperclassmen and the "terminally cool." He reminds Cam that he is a member of neither group. Cam slaps him on the back and says, "It's up to you, bro," and walks off. Kenny leaves as well.
Enter Ferret. Remember Ferret? It's her triumphant return. She spots Clay at Mandatory Locker Check and walks over to him. "Hi!" she chirps. They stare at each other for a few seconds before Clay gives an inquisitive, "Hey." Oh, the music hasn't stopped since we got back from commercial. You can't hear that, so I'll just tell you. Just the same seven guitar notes over and over. Transition music is not the same as the message-driving Five Note Jingle. Ferret scrunches up her face as Clay asks her what's up. She smirks and says that she's getting ready for graduation and finals. She sighs and says she's looking forward "to getting out of here." Clay says, "Me too." She asks if they can talk after school. He asks if she actually wants to talk to him. She says she's over what happened between them, and that what she wants to talk about isn't about that. He says he'd like to, but he has track practice after school. He asks if she'd like to talk now. Before Ferret can really respond, the Center of the Universe II whips into the hallway, stealing all oxygen and intent for personal goals or dreams. Ferret must obey the laws and skitter off. Clay doesn't even get a chance to ask what's happening and as he turns around Meghan is all up in his face, oblivious to his questioning face. She's already talking. "Would it be completely weird for me to get up in front of our entire graduating class and talk about my future when I don't even have a clue about my own?" I don't know why she's stressing about this, since she's always telling people what to do when she has no idea what she's talking about anyway. Clay keeps quiet like a good Clay should, but mentions that he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. She interrupts him before he finishes the sentence, though, and waggles her head back and forth and apologizes. Clay tries to tell her that it's okay, but she interrupts again to say she was "named valedictorian," like it's this lame thing. Clay tries to congratulate her, but she interrupts again to say, "Bybee wants me to give a speech, but if I do that, I mean, could I be more of a hypocrite?" Yes, you can, Meghan. It's called episodes one through twenty. "This is ridiculous," she interrupts me.
Random Jealous Schoolgirl walks up to Meghan and congratulates her and says that she must be so happy. Meghan puts on the fakest voice I've ever heard as she cocks her head to the side and coos, "Oh, thank you! I am!" Random Jealous Schoolgirl walks off as Meghan's face falls and she groans, "Oh, God." Poor fucking Meghan. Clay tries to ask if Meghan is going to turn it down, but she cuts him off (I'm trying out new ways to say "interrupt," since even I'm getting sick of it) to say, "I mean, I'm just not sure if I'm the person who's right for it, you know? And a speech? I mean, I have nothing to say?" Okay, group laugh on that one. Clay tries to tell Meghan that the speech isn't so much about what she's going to do but rather what she's done, but she interjects with, "I went to war over this whole college thing with my parents and now I'm thinking that's a huge mistake." Clay attempts to ask if that means she's going to go to college, but she stops him with an exasperated, "I don't know!" "Well, I think," Clay starts, but -- "You know what?" Meghan brats, "I can't give that speech. I gotta tell Bybee. You are wonderful. Mwah!" She kisses Clay and runs off as the utterly confused Clay listens to the five-note Get Real jingle and thinks, "I'll still be able to hear that bitch all the way in Boston, I just know it. I'll hear her underwater. On a plane. I'm stuck with her. I'm screwed."
World's Largest Kitchen. Elizabeth does her required meal-making as Mitch is on the phone with some important business deal. Elizabeth offers to help Mitch cook some healthy meals that go along with his new diet. She says that she loves to cook now that she's quit smoking and that it "takes the edge off." Mitch asks if Liz can run him over for a business meeting that afternoon. She says she can. He makes plans for three. Liz gives the "I'm gonna butt in on that man's life" look as Mitch gets off the phone. "Mixing business with stress," she says as he hangs up. "Not exactly what the doctor ordered." He says that the doctor just said he shouldn't drive for a couple of days. "Mitch," Liz says in a too-friendly way. "Liz," Mitch mocks. Ha. She asks if he's thought about going back to brokering. "You know, nine-to-five?" He says that he hasn't thought about it and he's not going to. "Not everyone's cut out to run their own business," she actually says. Mitch stares for a second, thinks things over, and says, "You mean I'm not cut out to run my own business." He's quick, that Mitch. She reminds him that the firehouse landed him at the doctor's office, and now he's chasing after the big deal. Mitch interrupts with Get Real's signature, "You know what?" and announces that he's going to find someone else to give him a ride. He walks off. Elizabeth bites her lip, exhales, and looks around. "I have so few lines and I never have my own storyline anymore," she thinks. "I never should have dumped that doctor." She shakes her head. "Whatever. I'll just do a few guest spots on Friends year."
Mary breezes into her clinic and announces a good morning to the receptionist. The receptionist, of course, hands Mary a basket that arrived for her. "Someone special," she smiles. Mary gives the saintly smile and says, "A girl from my unwed mothers group. She's thanking me for convincing her to move back in with her parents." She read all of that in like, three seconds. "Nice save," the receptionist smiles. "Thank you," Mary says. What a beautiful fucking person. Mary's boss walks up and says, "You've got three teenagers. I need your help on a new case." At first I had no idea what this meant, until I realized she was talking about Mary's three kids. Like all of a sudden a real live teenager showed up at the teen clinic, and these guys are all panicking. She tells Mary this new case "...is a tough one," and Mary puts on her "I'm so ready for tough cases" face. The boss walks through a room full of people and openly discusses this case. She explains that it's a high school student. A girl. She donated blood last month and just got a letter in the mail three days ago from the Red Cross telling her that she's HIV positive. "Oh, God. She must be terrified," Mary says, as if the teen girl had just heard that Marshall Screechdale was thinking about asking her to prom. The boss says that the girl is "overwhelmed," and that she hasn't told anyone. Mary juts into her sway-back mode and asks what she should do. "Help me to give her hope," the boss says. "In these cases the hardest part of the situation is to assure a kid like this that she hasn't been handed a death sentence." The boss asks if Mary is ready. "Absolutely," Mary says, because this really is no big deal at all for her. The boss walks Mary to the other side of the cubicle wall to meet the girl. The girl's head is down. She lifts her head. It's Ferret. The oboe reaches its peak as Mary exhales and says, "Amy?" Ferret thinks, "Shit. The one person I wanted to make sure never knew. Now she's gonna try and run my life." Mary stares at Amy as if she's never heard of these things called "teenagers" before, and certainly not ones that have "diseases." The oboe can't stop the music. Fade to white as my wine glass shatters.
Would the Red Cross really send you a letter like that? I'm just asking. I don't know. That doesn't seem like something that you just send a letter off for. Seems pretty insensitive of the Red Cross, who handle human drama every single day.
Ferret and Mary are still staring at each other as the boss asks Mary if she knows Ferret. Mary says that she and her daughter are friends as Ferret grabs her things and starts to walk off. Mary tries to order Ferret to stay, since she's the Center of the Universe and all, but Ferret really doesn't want to talk to Mary. At this point, Mary should pull herself from the case, but she's not going to, because she's Mary God Damn Green God Dammit. Ferret says that this was all a mistake. They are now standing in a circle in front of tons of other kids, but they apparently can't hear anything. The boss tells Ferret that she did the right thing by coming to the clinic. Mary says, "Don't leave." One of the extras stands right up and walks off. Ha. Mary tells Ferret that the counselors are some of the best and that they can offer her support. Ferret says she didn't want anyone to know about this. The boss says that no one has to know until she's ready. "Our clinic has a strict confidentiality policy," she says. "Mary couldn't discuss your case with her daughter even if she wanted to." If? If? Boss Lady's got a lotta learnin' to do. And "your case?" That sounds terrible. Like this is all about Mary's family and not what Ferret is going through. Mary grabs Ferret by the shoulder and leads her back into the Cubicle of Loose Lips. Mary should drop this case right now. Right. Now.
Cubicle of Non-Confidentiality. Ferret asks to see one of the doctors at the clinic. Mary says that she can, but first they need to talk about some things. Mary tells Ferret that she has to tell her parents "about [her] condition." Ferret says she's eighteen, and that she doesn't have to tell them anything. She says she's not even going to get sick for a while. Mary says that she needs to go on the "drug cocktails" immediately, and without her parents' insurance she can't afford them. Boss-Lady grabs Ferret's hand and says she knows they've "covered a lot of ground here" but that she still has one important thing to talk about. She tells Ferret that she needs to notify all of her past partners as soon as possible so they can be tested as well. Ferret gives a "shut up" glare to Mary. She shakes her head, "I can't." Boss-Lady says that she can't delay this. Ferret cries and says she understands how important it is, but that she can't tell them. "I just can't tell them. Not yet. Not now." The Boss-Lady keeps holding Ferret's hand and telling her it's okay. It's so not okay with Mary, yo. The oboe hasn't stopped for like ten minutes now. Ferret wipes her eyes and looks upward. The oboe hits a note so strong my left ear bleeds, just a bit.
Scene shifts to Kenny and Cameron at "The Pit," the cool place to hang. I smile as I realize it's the Cat and Fiddle, a bar in L.A. where I recently spent time with good friends just a couple of weeks ago. Kenny worries that he's going to get his "ass kicked" for being at The Pit as he and Cam sit down at the same table I was sitting in just two weeks ago. "So look around man, what'd I say?" Cam asks Kenny. "It's like Darwin, man. Survival of the coolest." The blonde extra can't help but give Cam the "you're a fucking moron" smirk as he looks at her. Kenny says that this isn't making him feel better about Kimberly, but rather "emphasizing [his] inadequacies." The close-ups here at the "bar" are so extreme that the focus is actually on the extras sitting at the tables behind Cam and Kenny. I have a hard time listening to Cam at all, since I'm really more interested in the pretty people they've cast as extras. That and I'm searching for the bus boy that I fell in love with that first night. Oh, that bus boy. So Sal Mineo. When he replaced my ashtray he did it with feeling, you know? He really wanted to change my ashtray, and we had a secret unspoken love that wasn't tarnished by words or names. I do not see him. Alas. They did not hire him for this shoot. Cam and Kenny spot Slutgirl walking with a boy in a letter jacket. Kenny remarks that Slutgirl must be moving on, too. As she's "moving," she keeps giving back glances at Cam and smiling just a bit bigger than she has to. Cam says that it's a free country. I move my television back ten feet because the close-ups are killing me. Kenny points out a girl named Taylor sitting alone at a table. She's in his History class. He thinks she's keen. Cam tells him to go sit with her. He says that Kimberley already made him feel "like crap" for dumping him. "What could this Taylor chick say that could possibly make it worse?" Kenny says that Cam has a point. Cam starts giving Kenny pressure to go. Kenny sits and ponders.
"Look, I'm really flattered," Meghan is in full "Me" mode here, sitting in Principal Foreshadowing's office. She says that she thinks it would be best if she withdrew her name from valedictorian. PF says that he doesn't understand. She says she'd feel like a hypocrite. PF says she's not the first eighteen-year old to question the future. Oh, Lord. Don't ever try and tell Meghan Green that she's not special. He hands Meghan a big envelope full of brochures. She says that maybe she wasn't making herself clear. He says that he's already announced her and he's not going to un-announce her. "Like it or not, you've earned this." The five-note jingle dances around as Meghan can't help but smile and take the envelope, knowing just how smart and popular she really is. I hope she goes to Guam.
Back at The Pit, Kenny takes a seat to Taylor and says hi. She says he looks familiar. He turns around and raises his hand. She says he's in her History class. Blah, blah, blah he knows all the answers. Blah, blah, blah, her History final is coming up. Blah, blah tutorcakes. Kenny sits back down with Cam to say that he's getting together with Taylor tomorrow night to "study." They drink coffee. Everyone else is just staring at each other.
Now all three Green kids are shopping. I don't know what time it is, either. Cam is tossing food at Kenny as Kenny is saying that Mitch can't eat any of the food he's choosing. Cam says that the Pop Tarts are low-fat and the rest of the food is for him anyway. He says he got food for Mitch anyway. "Yeah," Kenny says, "you got Metamucil and Tic Tacs." Cam says the Tic Tacs are actually for him. Meghan asks if they can find something on Mitch's list of food items. Cam asks if valedictorians are always so bossy. Meghan asks how they heard. They just laugh at her. They tell her it's all over school. She sneers and groans, because it's so embarrassing. She makes them promise not to tell Mitch or Mary. There's some sort of questioning as to why she'd want to do that, but I'm sure Kenny and Cam can figure out that big secret = personal strife for Meghan, and that's her life force. "Any idea where Dad is?" Kenny asks. "I think I saw his car over there weaving by the Doritos." As the Green kids snicker and debate about whether or not that is funny, I enjoy my first real laugh in a long time while watching Get Real. Hee. Of course, they ruin it by making me feel all guilty for laughing by showing Mitch trying to read a label on a box of cereal. All three Green kids have stopped laughing as well, and they discuss whether or not Mitch looks older, or still looks "like Dad." Oh, and if you're gonna be going through a quick brain-deterioration during what's supposed to be a Very Special HIV episode, be sure to use the cereal Mitch does. Healthy Choice. When you're down to your last two episodes, make sure you make the Healthy Choice. Cancellation. The Green kids start emptying out the cart and go to find the actual items on Mitch's list. Woah. Either Meghan had a growth spurt, or someone put her in a boobie shirt. Man, she's kinda busty for a grocery-store-dad's-all-old-and-dying scene. Oh, maybe it's her hair. No, wait. I'm not going to be reduced to slow-motioning Anne Hathaway's chest. Okay, just this once. For you. No, I think that's really cleavage.
I need a shower. I'm a terrible person.
Pop Quiz, Get Real fans: Mary just got home from her "bad day." What does she do with her Ferret situation?
- Keep it to herself, as that's THE LAW.
- Try and call Ferret at home and see if she's doing okay, offer some more advice and try and convince her to talk to her parents.
- Go through Meghan's room for Clay's phone number and go to his house and tell him he may have killed her daughter.
- Wait to discuss things calmly with Meghan.
- Tell her mother and Mitch, who can't really do anything, but just add to more people knowing about Ferret's situation, and just break the law all over the place so she can stress longer about her very special situation.
If you said "E," you've been paying attention. Thanks.
Elizabeth asks Mary what she's going to say to Megan. Mitch says that have to tell her. Elizabeth says that don't have to tell her "who" but she should know. Mary says Meghan'll figure it out. Mary reminds them that she's "breaking the law" just by talking to them about it. Mitch and Elizabeth are all law-schmaw. "We're the fucking Green family! There is no law in this house. Hell, we call the law when we're good and ready for them to take our family members and not a moment sooner."
Meghan sits in her room and goes through the pamphlets. There's a knock at the door, so she hides them under a pillow. Mary brings Meghan some tea and takes a deep breath. She says that she had a rough day. That a young girl came into the crisis center and found out she was HIV positive. "Maaaaan. I can't imagine," Meghan offers. Mary reminds Meghan that kids her age are testing positive all the time and that she's in a high-risk category. She asks if Meghan has ever considered getting tested. Meghan says there's no reason to. Mary says that if she were Meghan she'd probably do it for the peace of mind. Megan tells Mary that's because she stresses about things all of the time. "I guess working at a crisis center hasn't made it any easier, huh?" she says with a smile. Oh, Mother Mary. What would we do without your wisdom? She asks if Meghan would get tested just for her own peace of mind. Meghan says there's nothing to worry about because she's only been with Clay. Mary interrupts with too much strain to say that she really needs Meghan to do this. Meghan asks why. Mary says it's because she's asking her to, and isn't that enough? Meghan says that if there was a reason to get tested she would, but that she's only been with Clay. Her "first and only." She tells Mary to trust her. Mary asks if Meghan was Clay's first. Meghan kinda laughs and says that no, he and Ferret...Meghan trails off and realizes what Mary is telling her. They stare at each other for a few minutes as the piano fills in the dramatic tension. Meghan stammers and asks if the girl was Ferret. Mary doesn't say anything. "Oh my God. No. No!" Mary gets closer to Meghan and puts her hands on Meghan as she gets upset. Mary says that she wouldn't have told her that but she "believes" that Ferret wasn't planning on telling any of her past partners. She tells Meghan that her and Clay need to be tested as soon as possible. Meghan says she saw Ferret yesterday and she was ordering her cap and gown. "Amy is not sure when she was infected. That means it affects Clay. And that means that it affects you." She tells Meghan that she has to tell Clay, and that they both need to get tested. Meghan gulps and nods her head. Mary tells her they can go to the clinic tonight, and that it's open late. There's an oral test they can do that's fast and reliable. Meghan nods and says, "All right. Okay." Mary cocks her head to the side and thinks, "I'm so good at my job. I can even counsel my daughter. I rule." She hugs the visibly frightened Meghan.
Pan across to Meghan and Clay sitting in the waiting room of the clinic. The song sings, "Put yourself in my place. And you won't know why. When I feel the way that I do. Inside." Meghan and Clay hold hands. They are by themselves. I can't believe there isn't one parent that went with them for the tests. What the hell? The doctor calls Meghan, and she kisses Clay goodbye and walks into the office. "Letting me in. But I'm finding you out," the song continues. There are several montage shots of Clay sitting in the waiting room, looking around, all nervous and shifty-eyed. Meghan walks back out of the blue-lit office (which looks more like Jeff Goldblum's lair in The Fly) and takes her case number from the doctor to call for the results. She turns around. The waiting room is empty. "Where's your friend?" the doctor asks. She says she doesn't know. He pats her on the back and walks back into the blue room. Meghan looks around all alone, as the camera pulls back to show just how all alone she really is. I assume if you're gonna alienate all of your friends in ten months to the point where your family won't go with you on an HIV test, you're pretty much alone for the important moments like that. The camera pulls all the way back to the ceiling as we fade to white.
Gee, poor Ferret. No one gives a shit about her yet.
Meghan gets off the phone and tells Mary that she's tried his house three times and he's not home. Mary says he'll turn up, that he's just scared and needs to sleep on it. She tells Meghan to go get some sleep, too. They exchange "love you"s and Meghan walks up the stairs to bed. Mary watches her.
Mitch opens the door and watches his daughter sleep. It's not so creepy now, because he's got that brain-thing and maybe it's just a tumor like Billy's on Ally McBeal and it would explain all of the misogyny and Lolita-stuff that's been happening for the past few months.
Pointless subplot. Kenny helps Taylor study. She calls some guys "geeks." He says they are his friends. She apologizes. He says it's strange that it's cool to his friends that he's with her, but her friends think she's an idiot. She says it would really freak them out if she kissed him real hard on the mouth in this non-class. He says he's game. She doesn't do it, though. She thanks him for helping her with the test, but says that it's probably not going to do her any good. She says she has a lousy memory and that she sorta thinks the only way she'd get a good grade is if she cheated. She laughs and says she should sit to Kenny. Kenny's all, "Oh, snap. This girl just wants me to help her cheat. I am a geek."
Ferret walks out of her house and sees Clay sitting on his car. She tucks her hair and calls his name. They start walking down the street. He says that they're really overdue for a talk. He's sorry they didn't stay friends after the breakup. He says that he misses talking to her about his problems and her talking to him about hers. "You know," she says. "Amy, I'm so sorry," he offers. Ferret is outraged that Mary told him. She figures out that Meghan must know too. "Does the whole school know?" she pouts. "Of course not. We're all worried about you. That's why I'm here. To see if I can help." Ferret scoffs and says the real reason he's there is to see if he's safe. He says that's not fair. I don't know why they're shooting this scene in extreme close-ups under the actors' chins, but they are, and I find myself lifting my head to try and see their faces while they talk, instead of their necks and chins. "For all I know, I got it from you," Ferret says to Clay. She walks off. Clay stands around for the mandatory Stare and Exhale.
"What are you doing here?" Slutgirl asks Kenny. They are at The Pit. There are a bunch of girls in black skirts and black sports bras behind Kenny. Whatever. Kenny stammers that he's waiting for Cam. Slutgirl is in her leopard print atrocity again. With fringe. Kenny asks her about Taylor. He says he thinks she might want him to help her cheat. He says she didn't really ask, but since she's out of his league, it makes sense that she'd just be using him. Slutgirl says that she can tell Kenny that ninety percent of the students at that school cheat, or she can tell him that "cheating is wrong and it causes blindness," but she thinks that she'll just act like she's Meghan and tell him that if the girl only wanted him for cheating on a test, then she's not really worth the time. Oh, the sports bra girls are the wait staff. Whatever. Not my bus boy. He was dreamy. Kenny thanks Slutgirl as Cam sits down. They stare for a few seconds and then she leaves. Kenny asks Cam if that was "sexual tension." Cam says that was more the "I'm so over you and I have nothing to say to you" tension.
World's Largest Kitchen. Meghan is dialing for her test results as Mitch and Mary hold hands at the table, and Elizabeth stands at her groove worn in front of the counter. As Meghan is on hold, we pan around the family members. Elizabeth has her hand over her face in absolute horror. Meghan thanks the doctor and gets off the phone. She walks into the other part of the kitchen and says, "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." Group hug with the spinny-cam. Everyone hugs everyone. Quick fade to white.
Subplot lowdown that no one cares about: Taylor sits by Kenny, says he's her good luck charm and asks if he's ready. He says that he can't cheat. She's all insulted and says she can't believe he thinks she'd use him to cheat. "Just because I'm popular does not mean that I'm stupid." She gets up and sits somewhere else.
World's Largest Kitchen. Elizabeth prepares food. She's teaching Mitch how to make Pasta Primavera. He asks if she thinks he's cut out for it. She says she's pretty confident that he can boil water. He gives her the, "But not run my own business." Burn. She says she was way out of line. She says that when she's worried about someone it sounds like criticism. "Yeah, it does," Mitch says. "I'm sorry," Elizabeth says like she isn't. She tells him that her husband was a lot like Mitch and he died too young because he worked too hard. Mitch says he knows that he should slow down, but it's hard for him. Elizabeth says she thinks people and priorities can change. "Sometimes we take for granted the things that are the most important to us," she says, as if she's just come up with that theory all by herself. They stare for a second until Elizabeth tells him to stir. He says he hears her. Staring and smiling.
Ferret sits on a swing. "I've been running. And my heart is beating fast." Who picks these stupid songs? "And I can't slow it down to keep from rushing past. Just wrap me up and let me fall where I may. Hold my breath and I will wake. So the door is opened and the house is on fire. And I've untucked my wings to fly a little higher." Oh, man. Meghan walks up behind her and stops. She takes a deep breath and sits down to Ferret on the other swing. Meghan: "Do you remember they used to take us here in the second grade? How Mrs. Marshall would make us choose a buddy and we would have to hold hands no matter what. Just hang onto each other for dear life so that nothing terrible would happen." Ferret: "I just remember thinking, if I held onto someone's hand, I'd be safe. And I think I still believe that. When I got that letter telling me I was positive. There's no one to hang onto now." Just as Meghan is leaning forward and offering her help, Mary busts in on the background and stands between them. Ferret sees her and stands up. "I don't need her help and I don't need yours." Mary and Meghan bum-rush her and Mary says that she knows there's no way to get Ferret's trust back but, "Believe it or not, we care about you." There's some love, right there. Mary apologizes for her "impossible choice." She tells Ferret to go back to the clinic. Ferret says no and starts towards her car. "I talked to your mom," Meghan spits out. Ferret's all, "You bitch!" Meghan says she didn't tell her. "She'd be so ashamed of me," Ferret says. Meghan tells her that her mother loves her and would want to help her through this.
Ferret opens to a well dog-eared page in So, You're in a Very Special Episode and You're the Character With the Bad Diagnosis?: Tips For Your Very Special Monologue. Tip One -- Start with how you feel when you wake up in the morning and says, "When I wake up in the morning...there's like...a second when I...forget...that I have this. And then I remember...that I'm not okay. I'm going to get sick...and I'm going to die." Mary goes to hug her and says that there are new drugs every day and people with HIV are living long and productive lives. She says that one of her clients just ran a marathon and another just got married. See? Running and getting married! It's no sweat! "It's only a death sentence if you let it be." When Ferret finds herself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to she, speaking words of wisdom, "Let it be." Ferret breaks down and says she's scared. Mary mashes the heads of Meghan and Ferret together to envelop them both in a mandatory hug. Oboe out of control.
Back at the Pit. Kenny is lamenting about getting dumped by two girls in two days. Wait, only a day has passed? What? Huh? Cam says that it's Kenny's own fault for thinking that he wasn't good enough for her to be interested in. Kenny sits still for a moment to let his lesson sink in. He watches Taylor at her table on the weird close-up where I end up watching the extra behind him. Kenny walks over to Taylor's table and asks how her final went. She dismisses her friends. "Call me!" one of them says, like she'll ever get called. "And this is you...caring?" Taylor asks (It still counts as silly sentence structure when you have a secondary or even tertiary character deliver the lines, you know). Kenny says he never thought she wanted him to cheat because she was stupid. It totally comes out like he thinks she's stupid. He says it's all his "bad." He gets up to go and tells her to have a nice summer. Extreme close-up on Taylor where I watch the young man sitting behind her. She stops Kenny to tell him she has another final on Friday and she'd like him to help her study. The guy behind her is now gone and it's two people. Whatever. They make plans for eight. He is "so there."
Swirly pan from all of Meghan's brochures. Clay walks in. They stare. "Negative," he says, kicking off the acoustic guitar. She exhales and asks what he's doing. "Just admiring how beautiful you are." I vomit all over my cat. Oh, man. He goes on about how every time things are going well in his life, something comes along and screws it up. What's screwing up, Clay? You tested negative! Your girlfriend is negative! You have a free ride to Boston! You get to come and go as you please and attend a school that doesn't ever have classes! Just random finals! Suck that shit up and shut up! "It's like I don't deserve to be happy." Oh, SHUT. UP. She says that everyone feels that way sometimes. He apologizes for being stupid and careless and putting her through all of this. This is candy to ME-ghan's ears, and she can't stop stroking him. "That's all in the past. All we can do is hold each other and focus on the future." Three minutes ago. The past. Hey, you guys? Ferret. Just sayin'. Man. S.E.L.F. C.E.N.T.E.R.E.D.
World's Largest Dining Room Table. Everyone is pretending they like the Pasta Primavera, but they hate it, and eventually they decide to order a pizza instead. As Kenny goes to order, Meghan says she has an announcement to make. "I found out that I've been named valedictorian." Everyone is so damn happy. Mitch says that this has turned into a celebration and that he wants double sausage and cheese. That's the Green way, friends. It doesn't matter who has good news or bad news or whatever, it's about how you feel and what you want in response to it. Meghan gets the attention back immediately, of course, to say that she's not finished with her announcement. "Um, wow. Um. The past few days have been really intense. And, it's forced me to look long and hard at my future, but the only problem was I've been avoiding mine. I was assuming it'd be there. But there are no guarantees. For any of us. This past year I've been saying no to a lot of things, but not anymore. It's. It's time to start saying yes. Mom. Dad. I'm going to college." Everyone is even happier. Mary has won. Meghan has won. She has her attention. She announces that she looked through the choices that Principal Foreshadowing gave her and she is going to study abroad with UCLA semester and go to Barcelona. Mary looks a bit upset about it being so far away, and takes the focus for a second. She says that she always wanted to see Spain. Meghan swipes the focus back again by saying that Mary can visit all the time. Mary declares that she indeed will. They all hug. Kenny and Cam toast. Music plays. Meghan and Mitch hug. As Mitch sits down and wipes his eye, we see a small drop of blood land on his placemat. Check out how a real Green Member steals focus. He's a master. He rubs his head, rubs his eye and squints. Elizabeth makes a comment to Mitch about Meghan going to college is "less stress already." He laughs and asks if she's going to pay for it. Oh, right. Meghan doesn't know that her college fund went into Tom Arnold's firehouse. D'oh! But that's a battle for a different time. This is Mitch's moment. Elizabeth stops smiling and tells Mitch that his nose is bleeding. There is blood pouring out of Mitch's nose. More blood drops onto the placemat. Meghan looks shocked. He puts his napkin up to it as all good times cease at the dinner table and everyone asks if Mitch is okay. He says that he's fine, and that it's just a nosebleed, and that he's going to go wash his face. He stands and turns and in a slow motion shot, he falls to the ground, taking all of the plates and glasses with them. They crash on the ground as the Green family rushes to his side and Mitch lays motionless on the dining room floor. Fade to white. End of episode.
Man, start with a secondary character testing positive for HIV, and then turn it all into a family struggle about law-breaking, honesty, cheating, and possible brain tumors. What assholes. I so can't wait for the series finale.