You love it. You crave it. You're almost out of it. It's time to Get Real.
Previously on Get Real: Cameron and Slutgirl were kinda-sorta hooking up, but Slutgirl was giving mixed signals. Mitch was just "trying to" hold his house together, since he's losing money quite quickly on that Frisky Father Firehouse.
Kenny kicks off the episode: "My life is over." Meghan walks over to see what the problem is. It's Kenny's driver's license. He's barely got his eyes open in his photo. But if you're curious, ladies:
Kenneth Steven Green
877 Pinecrest Road
Pola Verdes, CASex: M Hair: Brown
Height: 5'9" Weight: 165
The date of the license says "07/23/1999," but we won't worry about that.
Oh, and I already checked it on Yahoo! Maps: there's no Pinecrest in Pola Verdes.
Meghan tells Kenny that it's only four years until he can get a new photo. The few minutes are spent with Meghan and Elizabeth giving a PSA in favour of organ donors. Elizabeth tells him it's to "harvest [his] organs." Kenny likens it to corn. Elizabeth points out that they won't do it while he's still alive. He says that he doesn't want a doctor jumping the gun. Meghan tells him that if it bothers him then he can leave the organ donor sticker off his license. The Center of the Universe II has spoken. ["I assume no one expected a Green do make a decision that was totally unselfish." -- Wing Chun]
Crisis Center. Jumpy Blonde in a leopard-print coat asks Mary how much longer she's going to have to wait. Mary says that they've been very busy. Jumpy Blonde asks if she can talk to Mary. Mary says that she's "just a volunteer" and that she's "not allowed to talk to the clients." This, of course, gets Jumpy Blonde all teary and she gets up to leave. Mary follows her, since no one is technically allowed to storm out on the Center of the Universe and shouts, "Stop!" She apologizes to Jumpy Blonde for sounding like they were too busy for her. Jumpy Blonde says that she just feels really overwhelmed and that she's having "shortness in breath." Doctor Mary tells her it sounds like anxiety attacks. Mary starts blabbing to the girl about her own problems until Jumpy Blonde looks a bit bored. She invites Jumpy Blonde back into the clinic. She puts her arm around her and walks her in.
Mitch is going on about the firehouse. To Tom Arnold. Really. It's Tom Arnold. Why would he know the Greens? Oh, right. The Stupids. Tom is interested in buying the Frisky Father Firehouse. Tom thinks that Mitch is asking for too much money. It's really boring builder-speak here, so I'll spare you.
School Without Classes. Cameron is wearing one of those big, strappy backpacks that looks like he's carrying a toddler. Meghan is at Mandatory Locker Check. He asks Meghan if she's seen Slutgirl because he's wondering why she stood him up for the meteor shower. "Cam, look, if you wanna know something about Jodie, ask her," Meghan brats. Meghan sneers and says she's not "thrilled" about Cam "hooking up with her," and she doesn't want to be in the middle. Cam follows her and says, "Oh, my God, can we say, 'Bug up your ass?'" We can, Cam. And we do. Meghan says that her issue with Slutgirl is "the same as [her] issue with Stephanie. She's [Meghan's] friend and [Cameron's] trying to get in her pants." Stephanie? We missed a friend? Somebody call Lily. "That's not fair. Stephanie is ancient history." "Yeah, she is now. She was my friend." Weren't they all? Meghan says that Cam is just a "player" and that he better not hurt Slutgirl. Meghan gives some warning about Slutgirl's not being as tough as she seems. "FYI? Jodie stood me up, remember?" The five-note jingle remembers. Yes, it does.
Back at Center of the Universe Clinic, Mary has brought the distraught Blonde back inside. I'm so happy to see the head Clinic woman. It's Conchata Ferrell. She used to be on that comedy show ER with Elliot Gould and a very young George Clooney. I still remember the episode where her husband called the hospital when she was working late and sang a song to her that he had written. "I love a woman with love handles/ something I can hang onto/ I love a woman with love handles/ my sweet, sweet mama that's you." I understand that it is sick and wrong that I still remember that song and that show and that I'm the only person, but if the writer of "Love Handles" happens to be reading this, here's a big shout-out to you. I also thought this woman had died years ago, so I'm happy to find out she's still cranking out cameos as nurses and counselors. ["She is also currently lighting up the big screen in Erin Brockovich, in which she gets to be wicked bitchy to Julia Roberts. If you hate Julia Roberts, I highly recommend it." -- Wing Chun] Distraught Blonde is named Karen. Love Handles apologizes for her wait as they stand in front of Distraught Blonde II who shows her distraughtness by pulling on her hair and pouting. Mary sits at her desk and looks smug. I know, it's not like this is a new thing, but she is. Karen tells Love Handles that waiting is really hard for her and that Mary told her she was suffering from anxiety attacks. Mary gives the "busted!" face. Love Handles tells the woman "just walking by like any other good extra" to show Karen into her office. "Go home," Love Handles barks to Mary, "we'll talk about this tomorrow." See why I love this woman? Tight zoom on Mary as she thinks, "But I'm just going to end up being right about all of this. I mean, I am Mary Green. Whatever, lady, I'm not punching out. I'll go home, but it's only because I want to let my mother out of the basement."
Frisky Father Firehouse. Mitch pulls up his car and walks out, but Tom stays in the passenger side. He looks out the window at the building. Mitch opens the door for him. "I can tell from here I'm not interested," he says. Let me tell you how far away I can stand and not be interested either. Mitch tries to laugh it off and gives more builder-speak about the place. Tom points out that there's no parking and he can't use it without a parking structure. Mitch gets back in the car and we get a quick title sequence.
Dear David: Please stop. Please stop talking. Stop opening your mouth and letting sounds come out that we can't help but form as words. Please stop taking on projects and running around like an asshole. Please. You're ruining it for EVERYONE. Love, the Arquettes.
I'm warning you now. Kenny's side plot here is so stupid and annoying. It's old. It's remarkably dumb. You have been warned.
As Kenny brushes his teeth Cameron runs in behind him and tickles him. Kenny spits into the sink and they have a giggly moment. Cam laughs at Kenny's license photo, which I guess he's just carrying around with him for every moment. Nothing like wearing boxer shorts and holding a driver's license. Kenny asks if Cam puts a donor dot on the back of his license. Cam says not a chance. Ooookay, here it comes. Remember that old email/urban legend that got passed around in the fall of '96 about the guy who went to a party and got drunk with a girl (here in Austin the story centered on a University of Texas frat house, but I'm assuming it was for every college in America), and he woke up the morning in a bathtub of ice with a phone and a note that says, "Call 911 right now or you will die," and he finds out that his kidneys have been removed to sell on the black market? Yeah, well, that's what they pull off as the new and scary story here. They change it to a "businessman on a business trip" who meets a girl in a hotel bar. They also add "don't get out of the tub" which is different because it was always the 911 operator who told him to look before, and in this story he only lost one kidney instead of both. I'd also like to point out here that this story actually supports being an organ donor instead of shying away from it, because if you ever did wake up in a tub of ice without a kidney, you'd probably want a fresh one waiting for you in the hospital, but whatever. Kenny says, "I mean, come on, that's just an urban myth, right?" "They all start from somewhere," Cam mouth breathes. I take a moment to remember Eric Christian Olsen's shining moment on ER (the one we recap, not the one with Love Handles, but she probably did a cameo there now that I know she's still kickin' it) where he played the kid dying in the hospital because of burns or acid or something and he had to say goodbye to his parents over the cell phone because they wouldn't make it to the hospital before he died. That was a good episode. On a good show. With good writing. Poor guy.
Mitch walks by the bathroom saying something to Mary but Cam follows him and says that he's got to see Kenny's license. "It's like this dead Ewok," he says. I really wish they'd stop letting everyone ad-lib. Seriously. "I'm really not in the mood for hints, okay Cam?" Daddy Poopoo says completely from nowhere. "I can't buy you a car, Kenny. Not now. You all go to the same school, what's so damn hard about car-pooling?" Jeez. Kenny and Cam do a few double-blinks and try and figure out what's wrong with their father. "Stress," Cam offers.
Frisky Father Firehouse. Okay, this gets weird. Mitch shows up and hears, "Heads up!" and a giant spool of wire comes crashing down the stairwell, busting the railing and landing on a table beneath. The table crashes. The railing busts in a perfect square. I don't know. It's all slow motion and strange. Mitch asks what the hell that was all about. Some Russian Mafia types walk down the stairs and say, "It's called 'Making a statement.'" Head Russian Mafia guy says they are done working and claps his hands and tells people it's time to go. "Until you start paying," he tells Mitch, pointing a finger. Mitch asks if the check cleared. HRM says that they never clear. So, why is he still around? Mitch is going on about having a buyer in tomorrow and he can't sell the place if the work isn't finished and HRM says that if he doesn't pay them he'll never sell the place. They gave HRM a little skullcap so he looks foreign. Mitch gives the open-armed "no fault" look as the Russians storm out with their equipment. The testosterone guitar and piano come to an orgasm of pain and suffering and "dramatic tension."
School Without Classes. Meghan enters one of the rooms that has desks in it. The room doesn't have a door. She sits down with Slutgirl and Clay and announces that the "Wondermints are playing at Java" that evening. Clay asks who they are. Meghan gets a "stupid boy" look and says, "Tennisha's brother's band." Remember Tennisha? Didn't think so. Meghan and Slutgirl begin slaughtering of the band's songs. "She doesn't love, she doesn't hate, she doesn't...shreiddreesshhh." "Well, why don't we all go and check it out, then?" Clay suggests, as if he thinks he came up with the idea. Meghan cocks her head and says, "Okay." Slutgirl complains about being the third wheel ["while Sars, who has never seen this show, roars, 'It's "FIFTH WHEEL!"'" -- Wing Chun] and that if she doesn't bring a date then she's going to "get hit on all night." Meghan echoes everyone else, and says, "Oh, boo hoo." Clay says that Slutgirl should just ask Cameron. Meghan immediately interrupts, "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, assuming for the moment that I'm okay with my crummy-head [I think that's what she said] brother -- which, by the way, I'm really not -- he is like, totally pissed at you." Slutgirl says he'll get over it. "Buh-nuh-na-na-nah!"
Roof of crisis center. Mary sits with her coffee and looks introspective. Love Handles walks over to her. Mary apologizes and says that she thought Karen needed help and she really didn't want her to leave. Love Handles says,"Karen Murphy has tried to commit suicide twice." The sound says that, but Love Handles lips clearly say "Karen Murdock." I don't know. She came in and said that she was very depressed and off her medication. Mary says that she knows what she did was wrong and possibly could have made things worse. "Well, you could have, but you didn't," Love Handles says. Mary is all, "Ruh?" Love Handles says that getting Karen back in for counseling may have saved her life. Oh, don't feed Mary's ego like that, please? "Really?" Mary says. Too late. Love Handles says that Karen needs help and that Mary is going to want to add to her hours. She hands Mary over Karen's file. She's going to be Karen's counselor. Mary is very proud of herself. Dear Karen: Run. Love, Everyone.
School Without Classes. Slutgirl jumps on Cam's back. Cam shoves her off. Slutgirl observes that he's in a mood. Cam rehashes the meteor shower thing again and says that he felt like an idiot for thinking she'd show up. Slutgirl says that she forgot about the date. By the time she remembered it was one in the morning and too late. He asks how he's supposed to respond to that. "You're supposed to be charmed by my candor and let me make it up to you at Java tonight?" He's all, "I don't think so." ["He's probably also all, 'What does "candor" mean?'" -- Wing Chun] She asks if he has other plans like a "hot date." She says it'll be fun. He says if she pays his cover that he'll go. There's some "flirting" here. She jumps on his back again as they walk off. An extra gives a double take to Slutgirl as if she's thinking, "Who wears those boots with those pants? Those heels are like, six inches."
Mitch's car. He gets a call from Tom who apologizes for being in such a bad mood the other day, and that he'd like to see the inside of the building on Saturday. They set a time. Mitch pulls up to the firehouse. It's been gutted. All of the electrical equipment has been pulled from the walls. Mitch does a few "what the hell?" voice-overs and they zoom in on him looking concerned. Fade to white.
I'm sorry this episode is so boring. I really am.
I don't know about this Subway Sandwich Diet, but I do know one thing. If you ever end up on my side of Austin, I highly recommend the Subway down the street from my house. At about six in the evening it becomes a magical place. Everyone who works there is about to get off work and is in a good mood, and all of the cute, sweaty boys are just getting off their hard labor jobs and they all stand there with their tools dangling off their shorts and their nice, tight calves and their cute hair tucked into their baseball caps and they are all smiling and joking and I become fourteen.
Mitch shows up at the Russians' lot and tells them he wants his stuff back and reinstalled. They want fifty thousand dollars. Now. HRM drives off.
"I need thirty thousand dollars. I'll pay you back in a month." Pan over from Mitch to Elizabeth, who seems very concerned. She doesn't have that kind of cash. She offers to cash in her IRA. Mitch says he thought she had more money. If she did, why would she be living in your house, Mitch? Elizabeth offers to come up with a couple of thousand. Mitch says that it was a mistake asking her, and that she should forget about it. She says that she's in shock because Mary hasn't ever mentioned that things were that bad. Mitch says he's kinda sorta not told Mary about any of it. He didn't want to worry her. He didn't want to tell her until it was serious. Elizabeth says she thinks this is pretty serious. Mitch asks to keep it between the two of them until he tells Mary. She asks how long that will be. He says he's having lunch with her in an hour. "My lips are sealed," Elizabeth says. They hug. I spend an hour and a half surfing the recaps of City of Angels just to have something else to do.
World's Largest Kitchen. Mary is bragging about saving the world, one damaged person at a time. Mitch says that he's proud of her and asks if there's a salary in her new full-time job. Mary says that she's not in it for the money, and that there's not really any money in it at all, but it's made her think about going back to get her psychology degree. Hee. I guess her psychic powers and self-centeredness aren't just enough. Now she wants to be called Dr. Center of the Universe. She says that the kids will be leaving the house soon ("Hey guys? It's me, Kenny. I'm only sixteen!"), and that someday she'll open her own clinic. Mitch pours his sixteen-dollar bottle of water and sighs, "That sounds great." Mary asks why they are meeting for lunch in the middle of the day. Mitch takes a v e r y l o n g t i m e to say "I just think we need to make an effort...to spend more time together every day." "That's it?" Mary squeaks. Mitch says he enjoys "breaking bread with the woman [he] love[s]." They kiss and go back to their lunch. She says she's glad that was the news because she was "a little bit worried." Mitch drinks their gas money for the month and tries to figure out how much he could make hustling Cameron and Kenny.
Club Java. Looks like a coffee house. Oh, it is a coffee house. People are drinking giant mugs of coffee. That'll be good for the mosh pit. Happy college kids dance. I can't tell which one of those guys is supposed to be Tennisha's brother, but someone must have been slippin' a little sumin-sumin with the milkman. I'm just sayin'. Also, they don't really pull a crowd. Cam turns to Slutgirl and asks if she wants something because he's headed for the bar. She says she wants to dance and pulls Meghan onto the dance floor. Cam pulls a Duckie and says, "That's okay, I'll just sit here." Meghan and Slutgirl dance, and they've got the boobie-cam on poor Meg. Clay asks Cam why he's not dancing. "I only dance for money," Cam explains. "That's what I heard," Clay replies. As they show Slutgirl dancing and Cam leering this actual "lyric" is heard: "Is she alive? Is she a miracle of modern CGI?" Clay asks why Cam won't go and dance with Slutgirl. Well, he puts it, "Okay, so, what? Uh, pod people have abducted Cameron Green and replaced him with a big puss?" Oh, were it that easy. Cam maintains that he's not "a puss." I think you guys mean "wuss," becaue "puss" means "mouth." If you're not allowed to say "pussy," give David E. Kelley a call. I'm sure he could hook you guys up with something. Maybe a "slit" or two. Cam says that he's not getting a vibe. Clay's like, "Right, you don't get a vibe from Slutgirl. Dude, everybody gets a vibe from Slutgirl." Cam says he doesn't know what kind of vibe he's getting from her, but he really does like her eyes. "It's like they're smiling atcha." Clay makes a joke about Cam getting serious. I'm getting seriously drunk. I am glad that there's actually chemistry between Cam and Slutgirl, as before the only love-action I saw going on was all Mi Familia.
Late night. Frisky Father Firehouse. Head Russian Mafia guy flips a wad of bills right on the street as Mitch assures him that it's "all there." I know whenever I get a wad of fifty thousand dollars I like to wear a skullcap and flip through the cash on the streets of Los Angeles. You meet new people that way. HRM says he'll help Mitch unload the truck, but that's all. Mitch says that they need to reinstall the fixtures because there's a buyer coming in the night. "If he sees this place looking like, uh...greater Cos-oh-vo, he's gonna walk." HRM laughs appropriately and says that they'll need the money up front before they'll do any more work for him. Mitch, who isn't gifted in the powers of Center of the Universedom, tries to say that he's not going to be extorted without the police being involved. HRM makes to leave without unloading the truck. Mitch backs down and tells them to just unload it and he'll install everything himself. They do. He asks where Mitch got the money. Mitch just tells him to empty the truck.
Cam pulls Slutgirl up to her house. She asks what's wrong with him: "You haven't said two words to me all night." He says: "I'll give you three. You. Used. Me." She's all, "Come on," and he says that she obviously wanted to walk in on someone's arm and then wanted to flit around all night: "Me being there was like, what? A formality?" She says that she went out to have fun and that's exactly what she did. She says that the reason she liked Cameron was because he was fun and laidback and wasn't all demanding on her. She asks what's up with him lately. He says he doesn't know. Well, he goes, "I don't know...I don't know," which shows how much he's really, really hurting deep, deep inside. "Maybe you're right, maybe I'm, uh, maybe I'm just overreacting." She says he just needs "a little special attention." He says the no that means yes as she starts necking with him and of course he can't resist Slutgirl's powers of seduction. She wonders what the little lever under the seat does and drops the seats back. All the way back, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Aw, yeah. Let me get some action from the slut section.
Kenny is back in his bathroom washing his face or something. We go into hallucination mode as Kenny hears Cam tell the kidney story again as Kenny sees it reenacted. I'm not going to bother, but really the moment when he sees his cut kidney (on his stomach!) is hysterical. It's like someone wrote on his tummy with a Sharpie. And the cut is all "stitched" with other Sharpie markings. I've seen scarier scars on Are You Afraid of the Dark? Kenny wakes up and checks his belly for scars. Nope. Appendix is right where he left it. The clock tells us it's 4:15 as Kenny hears a car pull up. He walks over to the window ("Hi, kids! It's me! The iBook! I get more screen time than Elizabeth! Whee!") Kenny looks out the window and sees Mitch walking in. Because they think we're stupid we hear Kenny voice-over, "Dad's just getting home? What's going on?" The sensitive oboe ushers Kenny back into sweetbread dreams.
Elizabeth is at a teller booth making a deposit into "her granddaughter's college fund." Since everyone waits around in their lives for moments with the Greens, this teller knows exactly what granddaughter and what fund this woman is talking about and pulls up the account immediately. A huge box appears on the teller's monitor that says, "Balance: $0.00 ACCOUNT CLOSED." She tells Elizabeth that the account has been closed. Elizabeth says that there's some sort of mistake. The teller says she's sorry but there isn't. Mary walks up to Elizabeth at that moment and Liz tells her that she's all finished up. They walk off.
Mitch is hanging a sign in the Frisky Father Firehouse. It boldly states that the restorations were completed March 1, 2000. Elizabeth teleports over and states that she just came from the bank. She has her angry scarf on. Mitch exhales and says that he can explain. Elizabeth says she hopes he can because she doesn't like keeping secrets from Mary. "So let's hear this fabulous explanation as to how come you can clean out your daughter's college fund." That's wordy. Maybe Elizabeth gets paid by the word. Mitch says he can't sell the place in the condition that it's in and if he doesn't sell it they could lose the house. Elizabeth is stunned. Mitch says that Meghan's college fund is the last thing they need to be worried about. Probably because she isn't planning on going to college? He says that if he can convince Tom to buy he can have Meghan's money back in two weeks. Elizabeth says that it's a shame he didn't let Mary in on all of this "drama." He says he was waiting for something positive first. "Subtlety isn't working," Elizabeth says. "I'll be clearer. If you don't tell Mary, I will." "Don't do that," Mitch tries to demand on the woman whose womb created the undisputed center of reality and all things righteous. "I don't keep secrets from my daughter," Elizabeth snots. Mitch asks for one more day. "I'm through making promises," Elizabeth says as she walks out the door. Mitch moves the sign a bit and it falls off the wall and shatters on the ground. A piece of the symbolism flies through my television and into my mouth, cutting the roof and forcing me to cry endlessly. Mitch doesn't even apologize to me as he lowers his head and the sensitive oboe waltzes in with the fade to white.
School Without Classes. "Ugh, why is everybody in my life so fascinated with my brother?" Poor Meghan. The first episode that doesn't revolve around her. She must be dying inside. Clay and Meghan debate the merits of Slutgirl giving Cameron distance. Meghan insists that Cam isn't very serious about her, but Clay has his doubts. "If anybody's gonna get hurt, it's Jodie." The Center of the Universe II has spoken.
Greens Only Staircase. Cam puts a necklace around Slutgirl's neck. She asks what it is. He says he'd never bought her anything before and he figured maybe it was time. "Jewelry's always cool," she says, with a "You freak stalker!" look. She says it's "sweet," and kisses him on the cheek and walks off. Cam looks like a puppy left in the rain.
Ugh. Back at the firehouse. Mitch is on the phone trying to get something accomplished, but the person on the other line has to bowl. I don't know. That's what he said. As Mitch calls someone else, Kenny walks in with a bag. What day is it? Why does this kid not have to be in school? What kind of parenting is this? Kenny hears Mitch call "Ted" about needing some workers that evening and that he'll "pay for the strippers." As Mitch hangs up the phone Kenny asks what happened to the firehouse. Mitch says he's just getting some extra work done. Customizing for the new buyer, blah, blah, blah big-fat-fatty-liarcakes. Kenny says he thought it was done. Mitch keeps trying to change the subject but Kenny keeps bringing it up until Mitch gets mad at Kenny and basically tells him to shut up. Kenny goes to leave and Mitch apologizes. He asks Kenny what's bothering him. Kenny offers to help, but Mitch says he's fine and that Kenny needs to leave it alone. The soft piano convinces Kenny to leave it alone. He asks if Mitch will be home for dinner. Mitch says he'll see him later. Kenny turns back around in the shadow to say, "I love you." "I love you, too," Mitch says, near tears. Kenny walks out the door. Mitch sits down and has himself a good cry. Kenny, of course, walks right back in and watches his dad cry. Instead of going over to him, he just leaves again.
What's a girl to do when she the episode doesn't revolve entirely around her alone? She plays a little Sonic the Hedgehog, of course. Cam gives her tips about what's coming up on Sonic's adventure and sits down on the coffee table in front of her. Cam tries to bring up the subject of Slutgirl, but Meghan really prefers to talk about herself more than anybody else, so she gets pissed. (And if you're gonna be pissy, use the gaming system all the cool kids use. Sega Dreamcast. For when you know your show is almost cancelled and they still haven't let you tell everyone that you're pregnant.) They snap at each other for a bit until Cam says that he thinks about Slutgirl "day and night" and wants to know if it's the same for her. "So, you really care about her?" Meghan asks. Cam says he wouldn't come crawling to her if he weren't desperate. There is an extreme close-up on Meghan as she says, "I, I really wish I knew what to say, Cam, but I think you better just...talk to Jodie." He says it isn't that easy. Meghan says that Slutgirl is a "force of nature. Unpredictable." And, "I love the girl, but I would hate to be the guy dating her." Somewhere Slutgirl is all, "Vice versa, right back atcha, girlie." Meghan continues: "Without going into too many gory details, her relationship with her dad is...pretty ugly. She's got some serious trust issues with guys, you know like, um...do it to them first? That's why I was so...freaked out by you and her as a couple [sic]. I was afraid that you would get tired of her and really hurt her bad [sic]. I never in a million years would have thought that --" "I would fall for her," Cam finishes. The background music is trying to butt in. It's so loud that I cover my ears. "Basically." Cam looks down and takes a good swallow before he says, "Maybe I'm unpredictable, too." Hey, that word has five syllables! Rock on, Cam.
Due to the extreme boredom, I take a break for three hours to play computer solitaire.
Then I just go to sleep because I can't handle this show anymore today.
Okay. day. Ready to dive back in. I think.
Mitch comes home to a fiery Mary. She's all storming up to him while he's trying to make small talk. There's a fire going in the fireplace. Mitch says that he's just going to take a quick shower and head back and Mary busts out, "How could you?" He asks if Elizabeth told her. She says she didn't have to. "The bank already tipped me off. Meghan's college fund? You had no right to keep this from me. If I had known, I could have helped. I never would have quit my job to do volunteer work...." Okay, first off, you quit your job to have a baby. This was long before there were any money issues. But Mitch doesn't bring up my good point and says instead, "You love that job; I want you to be able to keep it." She's had the job for, like, three weeks. "I don't see how if we're facing bankruptcy," she replies. Mitch says that they won't be bankrupt and that she shouldn't worry. She asks how she could not be worried. Mitch starts yelling: "Well, there were a thousand things that I never told you that would have kept you up all night, I stayed up all night instead. Well, I'm about to do it again." Mitch tries very hard to be the martyr here, but Mary knows just what to say: "I do not need your macho crap!" Mitch pauses for a second to sink in the most pathetic line ever offered in a family fight and gives enough space for Mary to hit the point home: "I need a partner. I thought we were a team. Now I don't know what the hell we are." She walks off and up the enormous staircase of their mansion. As we fade to black we see Mitch looking distant as he thinks, "Wait a minute. No one in this family has a job. Why didn't I see this coming?"
Meghan and Slutgirl are sitting in a coffee shop something-or-other. Meghan starts by saying that she knows she made a big point about not butting in and this is SO not that what she's about to do, and then proceeds to butt in. She calls it, "honest concern. You know, like preventive maintenance. Like, uh, like, uh, like, uh...getting your brakes checked." Slutgirl interrupts to ask for the point. "The point is...don't hurt my brother." Slutgirl asks where this is coming from, since Cam isn't the serious type. Meghan says she thinks he is serious about Slutgirl. Now, get this: "Cameron is a victim of his image. He comes with all these built-in expectations of him as a, a, a womanizer and a party boy. And maybe he's trying to change that." Slutgirl says that he did give her a necklace, and that she doesn't know why anyone in high school would give someone jewelry. What? That's all you give in high school. Meghan offers that the type of person to give jewelry in high school is, "The kind of guy who's never been in love and has no idea of how to express it?" Or, just any sort of guy in high school. I'm just sayin'. I've got like, sixteen necklaces, three bracelets, two sets of earrings and five toe rings. Slutgirl purses her lips and looks distant.
Cameron and Kenny watch television as Saint Mary storms around her giant house. In the World's Largest Kitchen, Mary walks into Elizabeth's force field, which grants her the ability to speak. "So, how'd it go?" she asks. Mary tells her she's in no mood to speak about it. And especially not with Elizabeth. "Oh, please!" Elizabeth sneers. "I kept a secret for one day -- not even! And you're gonna crucify me for that?" Mary brats and slams the refrigerator door and says she's not in the mood. Cam and Kenny look towards Queen Mary to see why she's troubled. Elizabeth tells Mary not to take it out on her. As Mary goes on about how stupid she felt when the bank called to tell her something that could conceivably be outside of her powers of perception and reality, Kenny asks Cam why Mary is so angry. Cam says that he doesn't know, and that "this whole family is in a mood." He says that Mitch practically bit Kenny's head off the other day about the car and Kenny tells Cam to go easy on Mitch. "I wasn't attacking him," Cam says, like this is now Kenny's fault. Detective Kenny squints and says that something is up with the firehouse. Somebody better call Columbo. As Kenny rehashes what happened at the firehouse the other day, Cam suffers from Echolalia and asks questions that repeat the end of the sentence that Kenny just said. Like, "...and it was ripped apart." "Ripped apart? What happened?" Kenny says that he went in and saw Mitch and he starts to change the subject, but Mary teleports over to the room and demands that Kenny tell him what he saw. Kenny and Cam say they were just talking about homework, but Mary's neck cords box Kenny on the face and say they are in "no mood to be lied to." He says that he saw Mitch crying. Awwwwww. This makes everyone freeze for a moment and then stare at the ground. Then everyone melts as they realize how terrible of human beings they are. Then they all stand in the center of the room and high-five and hug the sensitive oboe because this means another Green is going through a huge crisis that will change all of their lives and quite possibly, teach them something about love, and, ultimately, themselves. Huzzah!
Frisky Father Firehouse. A few light fixtures. Running water. Mitch bathes his face in the inside faucet by the wood paneling. This place is classy, I tell you. Mary walks in and demands he gets some sleep. Mitch says he can't because he's got a lot of work to finish up first. Mary then asks what she can do to help: "I'm here to help." "What turned you around?" he asks. Around from what? She was never asked to help. She replies, "Well, if something is so big that you have to sit alone in the firehouse and have a cry, then obviously we have to regroup." "Cry? Where'd you get that?" he asks. "Kenny saw you," she explains. The sad piano kicks in as Mitch leans his head back and thinks, "Those were tears for my daughter. I miss her soft skin." The melodrama gets huge here as Mary holds her stomach and says, "Look, Mitch, I know you're just trying to protect us." Mitch leans forward on his drafting table and wails, "Oh, I wish this was all about protecting you. There'd be a kind of nobility in that, I guess. [Huge sigh. Incredibly extreme close-up] And yeah, part of it is, but the other part is pride. You know, I was humiliated. I was scared, I didn't want you to know I'd failed. [sigh] You know, honey, I had this big dream for us and I wasn't good enough to pull it off. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." "Mitch," she whispers. "Mitch. I love you. So, what are we up against?"
Sigh. Sigh. Wringing of the hands. He says that if they lose Tom they can't make the mortgage payments on the firehouse and if they lose that, they lose the house. They have until the day. He says that the two of them aren't going to get it done in time. "Well, it's, um, it's not just the two of us," Mary says with a smile, kicking off the "We're Gonna Do It" happy guitar as she goes jogging back to the door. "I brought slave labor," she says with a huge exhale, knowing what a goddamn beautiful saint of a woman she is. Elizabeth, Meghan, Cameron, Kenny and Clay walk in like the Reservoir Dogs carrying paint buckets, boomboxes and important boxes. Mitch looks down and thinks, "Of course. My family can do anything. I'm the luckiest father in the whole world. I should get me a t-shirt that says how lucky I am." Smug, satisfied smiles on the Green family ask where they start. Mitch can't believe how incredible his family is. He just has to exhale again: "Anywhere you want." He laughs and laughs. Sure, thirty Russian electricians couldn't get it done in three months, but with the power of love, age, youth, incest and fresh sex, these six scamps are just the rag-tag team to get it done right, by golly.
You know it's coming. You can't stop it. The music already started. Get your Kleenex, kids. All hail the Restoration Montage. These kids move heavy objects, paint with rollers, install electronic equipment, paint some more, smile, laugh, and give meaningful looks at one another.
A new sign has been already made and is put into place by Mitch and Mary. Mitch leers at Meghan for a few moments, and Mary watches him leer. She gives him a "she's your daughter!" smile as he smiles back, "Damn right she is. All mine. I'm glad she doesn't know about the money I stole from her."
Cam and Clay install a sink. I'm not kidding.
Kenny and Elizabeth screw light bulbs into a chandelier.
Meghan is screwing something into an electrical socket as Mitch just can't take it anymore and has to walk over and touch her. He strokes her arm and kisses her head. She looks up and beams. She flips the switch, and on the other side of the wall Clay is suddenly electrocuted. He's not, but he should have been. Still, he would have been a bit blinded, since he was currently screwing a giant lamp into a wall and it just lit up right in his face. He looks at Meghan, who gives a "Who rocks? I rock!" dance. See? I'm being more mature. I just typed the word "screw" like, six times and totally left it alone.
Mitch and Kenny pull a cord until the chandelier is raised to the ceiling.
Mitch and Mary take a break to stare at all of their child workers and cuddle.
Meghan is wearing gloves and scrubbing something. Slutgirl walks in with pizza boxes. What time is it? Slutgirl says she got Meghan's message and that she figured she'd bring some provisions. Everyone's all, "Three cheers for Slutgirl!" I can't believe this high school junior/senior can bust out with five large pizzas at like, three in the morning. Slutgirl turns to Meghan and asks if this place is really supposed to be finished by the morning. Meghan tells her to shut up and start working. Nice. Best friends forever. Cam asks if he can borrow her for a second first. Meghan declares, "Uh, why not? We got all night, right?" Gee, thanks, Meghan. To continue being saintly, she refuses the cup of coffee Cam offers and goes right back to scrub-scrub-scrubbing her way into her daddy's heart.
Cam and Slutgirl walk up the stairs as Slutgirl confesses that she only came because Meghan told her there'd be a keg. Ha. Cameron starts: "I'm not really good at easing into things, so I'm just going to say this and then you can go back and help Meghan...polish." They show Meghan polishing her halo. Cam: "You may or may not have noticed. I'm kinda into you." Slutgirl: "Really." Cam: "I guess the trouble is that I'm not getting anything back. I can't keep banging my head up against the wall here. If you're interested, then let's do something here, but if not...you know I just need to know." Slutgirl says that's fair enough. Slutgirl: "So, how do I say this?" Cam: "Just say it." Slutgirl: "Okay, um, this whole you and me thing. I'm pretty much in it for a little action and a little company. You know, no hassles, no commitment. I like you, I really do. You're a lot of fun to hang with." Cam: "But?" Slutgirl: "Well, that kind of arrangement can be cool if both people feel the same." Cam: "But in this case they don't." Slutgirl said she was pretending not to notice it was becoming more for him and that she was using him the other night: "Meghan tried to tell me that." "Meghan," Cam whispers, like she's Newman. "Yeah, she laid into me earlier tonight about screwing with your head." Cam looks over his shoulder and watches Saint Meghan polish, polish, polish. He smiles, gulps, looks back at Meghan, gulps and says he didn't know she talked to her. "Big sister looking out for her little brother, you know?" Slutgirl says. Cam just smiles and thinks, "No. She just wants to do me." Slutgirl apologizes and sticks out her hand for the "friends?" handshake. He takes it. She walks off as he tries to hold onto her hand. She pulls it from his stalker grip. Cam looks over at Meghan and Slutgirl polishing and smiles as he realizes he's just one slumber party away from the night of his life.
Of course the Green family can finish anything on time, and the firehouse is completely done by morning. Everyone walks out the front, but Slutgirl and Clay aren't there anymore. Kenny asks Mary about his driver's license (again). He asks if he should be an organ donor. He says he never thought about death before the meningitis and now he thinks about it all the time. Mary gives him an "oh, baby" and strokes him. He says that if the doctors knew when he was in a coma that his organs could have saved others, would they have fought so hard to save him? Mary says, "Oh, honey. Any doctor that tried to stop fighting for you would have to go through me first. And your dad, and your grandmother, and Meghan and Cam. And by the time we were done with him, they'd be recycling his organs." Kenny laughs, because he loves being in the Green Mafia. Mary isn't done with her crisis counseling yet, though. "Maybe life is fragile, but your support system certainly is not." They hug. My eyes leap from their sockets, pack a bag, hold hands with the dueling Saint Clares and declare that they "have had just about enough of this shit." Mitch walks out and says that they have just enough time to go home, shower, and come back to meet Tom. Mitch turns back around to the rest of his family (who are all in armlock together) and says, "Hey! And if I don't say it enough, you guys are amazing. You saved my life here." He gives Mary an "Especially you." They all smile together in the complete peace of knowing that they are the best six human beings on the planet and that thirty minutes of work can save anyone's life forever. Mary gives Kenny her keys and tells her that he's driving. Kid's got his license for two days, you keep him up all night long, and then you make him drive your sleepy ass home? Nice. Another car bites the dust for the Greens.
Meghan and Cam are mugging down on the back of Cam's Bronco. They aren't, but they are. He thanks her for "getting in the middle." Meghan says he's welcome. They smile at each other.
Kenny says that the can put the sticker on the license once he gets home. He lets Mary in the car.
Tom is impressed with the firehouse and says that he'll offer four hundred. Mitch says the asking price is six. Tom says he knows that. Mitch says he put in quite a bit of work and money on the restoration. Tom says he knows these things; he doesn't walk in blindly. Mary (yeah, you knew she'd be here running Mitch's business) busts in and asks how he could possibly pay less. Tom is suddenly blessed with psychic powers and states that he knows if they don't take his offer that they can't pay the month's mortgage payment and that they'll probably lose their own home and that his offer means more than holding onto the firehouse for the full six. "You're wrong about that," Mitch tries to lie. "No, I'm not," Tom says. He puts the contract in front of Mitch (Hey, Mitch? Where's your accountant? From the last episode? He's the guy you need right now.)
They zoom in so we can see the contract in fact, says, $400,000. Mitch stares for a while at the piece of paper. Tom says that he's the only hope they have and if they don't sell to him they could lose "everything." Mary's neck cords are freaking out. There's a little head-tilting action as the three of them stare at each other, and we get a camera angle from every possible view of the three of them staring at each other in every combination. Yeah, it takes a while. Mitch grabs the pen, and as the music comes to a climax, Mary smacks her hand down on top of Mitch's so hard that her wedding ring pierces his flesh. She grabs the contract out from under Mitch's hand, pushes him out of the way and says to Tom, "We'll risk it." Tom asks what Mitch wants to do. Very meekly, from behind the Center of the Universe's smug smile he says, "You heard her. We're rejecting the offer." He should go on to say, "My wife, who knows absolutely nothing about business, or finance, or restoration, or anything, thinks this is for the best. And unless I want a deep beating this evening, I have no choice but to listen to her." But he doesn't. Tom walks off. The closing music starts up. Tom says he hopes they both "sleep well" tonight.
Mary says that it felt good to say that. Mitch says he bets Tom was pissed. Mary says she's pissed, too. She got a taste of the humiliation that he was talking about and she didn't like it. She pulls a bottle of champagne from the sink and says she thought they'd have something to celebrate. He grabs it and says they shouldn't waste it. Why not? Let's get drunk. She asks what's . He says they just blew their last "lifeline." Regis calls me and says, "I just got paid an extra million dollars because they said that. I own the word 'lifeline' now. How do ya like them apples, Pamie?" Mary says they'll think of something. Mitch says they have to. They toast to "beautiful dreams" and Mitch goes to lean in and kiss her, but they break away and do a distant shot of them leaning in to kiss again. They make out and get drunk as their money runs out completely.
week: Season finale. Tom's still around for some reason, and is really trying to get the firehouse. Clay is failing out of school. He's also seeing some other people. Meghan meets an old girlfriend of his. Clay says he's not like Meghan and she begs him not to give up on his life, or, "on us." And I think that, after this episode, everyone's giving up. Bring your party favors for this one, as I plan on sending Get Real off in style.