Homeward Bound

You know, I'm sitting here on a rainy Saturday afternoon with a bowl of coffee and a freshly lit American Spirit, and my brain is still fried from last night's PS2 extravaganza over at Wedge's. I mean, five hours of "Onimusha" and "Zone of Enders" and "SSX" and then a new game called "Cookies and Cream"...I can't see straight. I still have my glasses on and I've only been awake for two hours. I think I left my lungs on Wedge's classic garage-sale sofa along with my left retina.

I tell you all this not so you'll think to yourselves, "Wow, that Regina's a bigger geek than we ever imagined," but to clue you in on one simple thing: this recap may be a little weirder than usual. That's all. There may be frequent flights of fancy and intermittent sidebars that have absolutely nothing to do with the recap itself. I cannot stop this. I've been deeply saturated in several make-believe 3-D worlds for the past five days and I'm not sure I've returned to the planet we know as Earth quite yet. Be patient. And get me some more coffee.

The kitchen of Casa de Morgan. Pops "I'm Not Evil, I'm Just Drawn That Way" Morgan is casually chatting about his mother and her visit to the gynecologist. "That's fuckin' disgusting," spits Mouth. "Grandma visits a gynecologist? Why would you even mention that? Especially at the dinner table?" Pops tries to reasonably explain to Morgan that you don't stop seeing doctors when you get older; in fact, you have to see them even more frequently. But, see, this isn't why Morgan's aghast/disgusted/disturbed. See, he's of the mind that there hasn't been much action in Grandma's, er, "area", so what's the point of going to see an, ahem, "area" doctor? Pops says that women go to see gynecologists whether there's action or not.

And that's when Morgan's mother completely loses her mind and giggles fanatically like Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Morgan takes this opportunity to phone 911 and have his all-too-frightening mother committed to the local psychiatric hospital.

I wish.

And on to the montage/theme/students-I-don't-know section. As the title of this episode would suggest, the central vein of this week's ep is "Home Is Where The Heart Is; Or, At Least, It's Where You Have a Bed And A Toothbrush And Cable TV."

Allie tells us that home is what you want it to be. Home is where you want it to be. Home is where your dog is. Home is where your duvet is. Home is where -- shit, what's my address? Damn. I have no idea where home is. Better get a map...

It would seem that, for Allie, home is really where her mother is. Whether they're crying/screaming/laughing/throwing things/kicking the dog. Unfortunately, Allie's other home is where her father is. Never mind that her father is a cheating, lying, shoe-buying, other-woman-impregnating dicksmack.

"I found out, two days ago, that my dad is getting married," Allie says. There's one word you're forgetting in that sentence, darlin'. And that word is "AGAIN." He's getting married AGAIN. To the woman he cheated on your mother with. "Again" is not a long word, Allie, but in this case, it speaks volumes. "This is kind of a problem," she continues, "and actually a wonderful thing at the same time." Dude. Nuh-uh. No way. No, my father never cheated on my mother; nor did he ever leave her for another woman. So, you know, I can't really relate to Allie on an empathetic level, but...I'm not so sure I would be able to refer to my father's upcoming re-nuptials as "wonderful." I'd be more likely to refer to my father's upcoming re-nuptials as "a major travesty" and then tell my father he's a shit and then go, you know, get some coffee or something.

Speaking of which, where's that coffee I asked you to get me? Huh? I'd like a little service around here. Hank4's off playing golf (in the rainhee hee...fuckstick) and I have no one to wait on me. So you'd better get off your asses and get me that coffee. Pronto. Before I have you killed.

Philanderer's Palace. The Other Woman is busy making her special pierogies for Allie while Father Fickle carts around his secondary offspring. Allie gets along with The Other Woman, and this really impresses me because I know for a fact that I'd be spray-painting her clothing and knifing her tires without a second thought. Allie tells us that it's hard for her, because she constantly gets put in the position of having to choose between her parents, a statement which just about every child of divorce can relate to.

Hallowed Halls of High School. Kaytee and Scooter are discussing Scooter's inclusion in Kaytee's little coffeehouse band. "You won't let me play for you," says Scooter. "You don't wanna, like, commit," says Kaytee. "You have a problem with commitment." Get it? The whole show is about home and parents and divorce and COMMITMENT. See? See how the editors neatly wrapped the theme around the existing footage? SEE?

Some other day (I know this because Kaytee's wearing an entirely different outfit and Scooter's nowhere to be found), Koffeehouse Kaytee is jamming with a bongo player and some Dungeons & Dragons drummer. And don't email me all, "Dude! Don't knock Dungeons & Dragons, okay? D&D rocks! In fact, me and my friend Scuz are playing it right now. Dude -- you're an ogre. You don't have any special powers yet. No, you can't cast the spell of Undying Bad Taste. That doesn't even exist. DUDE!" I'm serious. This kid just looks like one of those guys who locks himself in his parents' basement with eight pair of dice and two of his pimply friends and emerges, twenty years later, to become a writer for The X-Files. See? Even D&D kids grow up right. I'm just sayin'.

Yet another day (see above parentheses), Kaytee's strumming away in her bedroom and, um, what's with her hair? It's all short and pixie-ish. That's okay and everything, but wasn't it longer and in a ponytail in the scene? What day is this? Or, I should say, "what year"? One second she's got long hair, the it's short? The hell? Anyway, Kaytee tells us that she's got this coffeehouse gig and she's furiously figuring out what to play. I kind of dig the song she's just written. It's very Ani DiFranco-ish, which, I guess, is sort of what Kaytee's shooting for. Then the Mother of Anti-Destiny enters, bearing plates of bizarre nourishment. As far as I can tell, there's, like, a slab of cheese, some fruit, some crudits, and a tub of dip. What, are we at a cocktail party here? It's Kaytee's room, not Pops for Champagne. Kaytee instructs the Mother of Anti-Destiny to leave immediately, because she has to concentrate and her mother's garbled tentacle-like aura distracts her from her purpose.

In an interview, Kaytee postulates that your environment shapes what you think. If that's the case, Kaytee most likely thinks that the shorter she cuts her hair, the less chance she'll have of becoming a parrot-chattering freaknut with upper-arm cellulite. Cut away, Kaytee, if you think that'll help.

Then we're at a basketball game, which really looks like a practice because there's absolutely no one in the stands. Whose game is this? Who are they watching? Does Kaytee have a brother? Both her parents are there. Why? WHY? And Kaytee has a father? I thought she was just a manifestation of all those acid trips her mother took in the late sixties. And Kaytee's hair is long again. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Dude. DUDE. Get the pod. Get it! Press circle. Press circle! You're never going to power up the sword without the pod. Jesus! What are you doing?! Oh, man. Gimme the controls. Lemme show you how it's really done.

Sorry.

Kaytee tells us that her family has pretty much collapsed. It's easy to see this because her parents are sitting so far apart that they may as well be on different continents. Then the game (or whatever) is over, and Kaytee's dad (whom we will now refer to as "Nick Nolte," or "Nolte" for short, because he looks just like that character that Nolte played in Down And Out In Beverly Hills, which isn't really a good thing because, you know, that character was a filthy bum) just walks off without her or her mother or her imaginary basketball-playing sibling.

In Kaytee's car, she's telling us that her parents are always talking about getting a divorce and she's all, like, whatever. She's lost patience with all the "we're getting a divorce, we're not getting a divorce, we're getting a divorce" conversations that seem to occur on a monthly basis at her house. "In some ways," she says, "it's just like, 'Do it already!' I mean, god!" Amen, sister. Any parents that "stay together for the kids" or some such shit should really just suck it up and call the lawyers. Divorce, no matter how sad, is way better than sticking it out interminably in a bad marriage.

The Morgan Mobile. Morgan's fighting for his right to have his mangy friends over for a jam session. Pops is not having it. His little bro has a constitution test on Thursday, and he needs the time to study. "I want to have a great relationship with my parents," says Morgan in a VO, "like I used to; like with my dad and stuff. But it's like, so many times he gets on my nerves. Like, he doesn't understand." Pops thinks that Morgan can have his jam session at a friend's place. Morgan argues that they did that a while ago, but since Pops stopped letting Morgan take his drum set out of the house, it doesn't seem feasible to have the jam session anywhere else. Pops declares the drum ban lifted, and Morgan reminds himself to send his psycho mother a bundle of flowers at the booby-hatch right after he's kicked out the jams with Bobo and Chit, his compatriots of cacophony.

Morgan Mansion. Morgan trudges up the stairs and pays a visit to his dying cat, Earl, who is lying on a bed in the dark. Morgan has a really sweet conversation with the cat wherein he asks about the cat's day and asks him how he's feeling. Morgan just gets better and better with every viewing. No, I'm not being facetious. And get me my coffee.

Over at Allie's place, she's telling us that the divorce was really hard on her mother and that she told her mother about her father's impending wedding. Her mother, understandably perhaps, freaked out. As Allie's mother glares at her in the living room, Allie tells us that she finds herself at a loss. "I wanna sit there and say, 'You know what? You're right. He fucked up. It's his fault and screw him.'" In her own interview, Allie's mother tearfully says, "Family is very important to me. You try to give your kids everything and, when you take that away, that's it for the rest of their life and you can't do anything about it." "She doesn't deserve this," says Allie. "This is not her fault. And, um, it's not mine either. She's hurting. I'm hurting. Our relationship has been strained. And there's nothing that I can do." Word.

Morgan's Den of Iniquity. Our hero is playing with his happy hutch of hamsters. Morgan originally just got a male hamster. Morgan must not have checked the jewels out on this rodent, because the day after he got it, it energetically gave birth to a litter of mini-rodents. While his parents were none too pleased about the acquisition of a single hamster, they were over-the-top pissed when it gave birth. I don't know why. A male hamster giving birth? That's a goddamn miracle as far as I'm concerned. Send this one to National Enquirer, Morgan. They pay highly for this sort of crap.

Morgan then pulls out a little hamster that he calls "Stumpy" because it's only got three legs. He loves Stumpy the best, it would seem. It's really cute how much Morgan loves this thing. Really cute.

Somewhere in the heart of Highland Park. Allie's apparently decided to attend Father Fickle's sham of a wedding. In a VO, Allie says that if she went to her father's wedding, her mother would be angry, but if she didn't go, her father would be angry. In an interview, her mother says, "It's real hard for me that Allie has a relationship with...THEM. It's like condoning everything that he did." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that that's how I'd feel too. It may not be right, but that's how I'd feel if I were her. Allie says that she can't cut her father out of life. She told her mother that it's okay if she doesn't accept it, but she can't make Allie feel guilty for it. I actually agree with Allie on this one. Like I said, it may not be right to feel like Allie's deserting her or condoning her father's actions, but it's also not right to make your child feel guilty for wanting to be with her father. Regardless of whether or not he's a cheating buttlick.

Kaytee's then telling us in a voice-over that she doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. Why should she? Nolte and the Mother of Anti-Destiny haven't set a very good example, now, have they? "It just seems like marriage is doomed to fail," she says. "You get bored with each other after awhile. Or you decide you don't really like each other after you grow apart. I really don't think there's a point." Totally. I am SO there with you, Kaytee. This is really not the time or the place for me to describe my feelings and attitudes toward marriage but, you know, yeah, marriage sucks, and yeah, I really don't see the point. And that sort of thing. Right?

Dude! Grab the board! Use the L1 key! You get more boost power when you do tricks! Oh, come on! You're not going any faster. Don't hit the tree! YOU HIT THE TREE! What are you DOING? Gimme the controls. Lemme show you how it's done. God, you suck.

Scooter's Vehicle o' Lurve. "I said I might wanna get married, but I don't wanna get married," says Kaytee, sucking on her Mickey D's soda. "You will get married," says Scooter. "To me! TO ME! You are mine, Koffeehouse Kaytee! Face up to the reality! We are destiny!" Kaytee doesn't hear this last part, because it's all in Scooter's twisted skull. Kaytee just protests that she doesn't want to get married. "Why would I do something that I don't want to do?" she queries. "You don't want to do it now, but you will," says Scooter. "You will because I WILL MAKE YOU. You are my guitar-strummin' goddess of goodness, Koffeehouse Kaytee. I will have you. Or no one else will." Once again, completely inaudible to Kaytee, who just responds, "You're such a jerk! Maybe I'm not like everyone else. You just assume that everyone gets married. Everyone smokes. Maybe we should just take up smoking. You know, to BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. We should just smoke and get married." Well, when you put it that way...

Morgan's Transport Of Tyranny. Morgan's dad wants to know what his homework situation is for the evening. Morgan informs him that he'll probably watch The Color Purple again. Why? Because he's studying overwrought dramas that span character lifetimes? Do they even have a class for that? What is it, "The Study and Analysis of the Peak of Whoopi Goldberg's Career"? Damn. Why didn't I have that class in high school? I would have passed with honors, dude. And this is where Pops "I'm Not Insensitive, I'm Just Without Anima" Morgan says, "Oh, some of your hamsters went to new homes today." Morgan's all, "WHAAAAAT?!" Pops tells him that his mother, who has obviously escaped from the loony bin, took the hamsters to Lake Forest to dispense with some of them. The hell? Without even asking the boy? Or telling him? And why Lake Forest? Because they have an excellent school system and a Baby Gap? "You didn't even let me give them away or say goodbye to them," Morgan snaps. "Well, they left you a note," Pops snidely remarks with a smirk. What a fucking asshole. I mean, really. Was this at all discussed? Did Morgan have any inkling about this potential plan? And why is his father being all rude and shit?