Previously on Get Real: Meghan's teacher was fooling around with Meghan's ex. Victor was upset that his dad was getting married. Mitch wanted to restore a building and become Tony Soprano. Meghan made her teacher resign.
In the School Without Classes, a teacher introduces himself as "Mr. Hansen." He writes his name on the chalkboard to make sure we spell it correctly at Mighty Big TV. He explains that he's the new replacement for "Miss LaSalle." Meghan looks around the room like, "It totally blows that Julia quit. Oh, wait." For some reason she sits in a different desk than she used to. Best Friend Episode Seven Amy no longer sits at her side, and Dan does not sit two rows over and one up. In fact, he's not there at all. I guess he took it pretty hard. Mr. Hansen says he wants to start from the beginning. The very beginning. Page one in the textbook. The entire class spins around to groan and stare at Meghan. She slumps and hair-tucks and voice-overs to us that Julia LaSalle used to be her teacher. But she had a secret: "She slept with a student." Obviously Meghan is completely over Dan now, since he didn't even get name recognition. Meghan begins walking down the hallway (because there really wasn't a class) and tells us that everyone is mad at her for not keeping Julia's secret. Like, everyone. As if every single student in this school was taught by Julia. A student yells down the hall to Meghan: "Hey Green! I was wondering if you could get Mr. Hunt thrown out of school for me. See, I've got this physics test on Friday...." She trails off as Meghan tucks her hair in outrage and continues what she was telling us before she was so rudely interrupted: "The fact that I was in the right doesn't matter; they blame me anyway," she says in the snottiest tone I've heard Meghan take thus far. It was snotty enough that I actually said out loud, "What a bitch." Meghan shows us the little hideaway that she's taken to lately. It's a bench on the "catwalk" at school. It overlooks a small window that shows the front of the school hallway so you can constantly see the kids not going to class. Meghan sits her pouty self down and starts eating lunch to show us that she doesn't need friends to be popular.
Meanwhile, Mary is making wedding arrangements with the Happy Couple. See, since episode two we've been hearing Victor talk about his dad getting married to some bimbo named Amber, and now we finally get to really see her. She's blonde, and about half the age of Victor's dad. Amber also has an "eensy problem. Un problemita." I guess she's trying to fit herself into Victor's dad's "heritage." She wants to move the wedding to this weekend. See, she's into numerology, and she configured the date of the wedding based on when everyone's numbers aligned. She just happened to have forgotten someone: Victor. Since she hadn't put in his numbers, she didn't realize until now that the best date for a wedding was in five days. I mark in my television weblog today's date to "Worst excuse in a script for moving a wedding." Victor is all pissy, saying Amber's blaming him for the wedding's being moved and that he is going to be busy at a soccer game that day and can't be the best man. "See, he hates me," Amber pouts. Victor's dad asks Victor to tell Amber he doesn't hate her. Victor says nothing. "This weekend it is," Neck Cords decides. The Center of the Universe has spoken.
Martyr Meghan is sitting on her bench. We see through a series of scenes that she's been spending every day at "free period" right there on the bench. I figure that all day long is really "free period" at this school, but whatever. Meghan is walking down a hallway as Best Friend Episode Seven Amy walks up to her. I can see the smile on her face. "Check it out, Ma! I'm a recurring character!" She bumps Meghan's shoulder. "Hey stranger, want some company?" "Nah," Meghan just flat-out says to her. Man, can you believe this girl? Amy asks why Meghan's been such a loner lately, and I realize that Amy sounds exactly like the Budweiser Ferret. Meghan explains that she's sort of been "hibernating," and Ferret says, "Hee-hooo-hih-hoo, try to hurry back! You've missed some gooooood gossip! Hee-hoo-hiii!" Meghan says she's trying to avoid the gossip. Ferret says, "Hii-ho-I mean about me. My life has gotten reeeely hi-hoo-hi-hi-interesting since you've been hiding." "Amy, your life is always interesting," Meghan says, as if she's spoken to Ferret more than three times. Ferret exhales as Meghan promises they'll catch up later in a Very Special Foreshadowing Moment. Ferret says, "Hey!" so hard that her eyes flex shut. She tells Meghan she thinks Meghan did the right thing. "With Miss LaSalle, I mean," Ferret says, so I guess not only has the whole school forgotten about Dan, they cease to remember that they all referred to their Lit teacher as "Julia." Meghan is carrying her lunch to her special place as she voice-overs to us, "Amy and I have been friends forever." I miss the part because I am screaming with laughter all over my futon. Meghan is saying something about "if anyone" could understand Meghan's pain and suffering, "it would be Amy." That is so freaking hysterical, since every time Ferret has tried talking to Meghan about it Meghan would just pull her hair and scream, "Leave me alone! This is my problem and I don't want you touching any of it! Mine! Mine!" Meghan is going on about not wanting to see anyone or talk to anyone and just be alone for a while, which seems to be a pretty easy thing to do when the "whole school" is mad at you and you have NO FRIENDS. Besides this good point, Meghan feels that she needs to be on her bench.
Of course, this time around, there's someone sleeping on it. Uh oh! Someone's been sleeping in my bed! More importantly it's a New Cute Guy. Meghan "Dan? Dan who?" Green tells New Cute Guy he's in her spot. "What?" Cute Guy says like, "Uh, this is a bench. How can it be your spot?" Meghan's hair explains that she sits there every day and she can't sit there when he's lying all over it. Cute Guy says, "Oh. So that makes it your spot?" Meghan rolls her eyes because everyone is dumber than she originally thought they were and says, "Uh, yeah, kinda." New Cute Guy explains that usually people have to donate money to get their own bench. "That's how it works in parks," he says. "Right, but this is school," Meghan says, like that's an answer. "Thanks for the lesson," he points. Meghan's hair has just about had it, so it gets the eyes to roll as it says, "So, are you moving or not?" Cute Boy decides on "not." The silly argument goes on even further with this whole, "Can't you just sleep anywhere" / "Can't you just sit anywhere" section that's even more tedious now that I've written it out. Meghan says she's a "creature of habit." "And you're in my spot," she finishes up. Cute Boy declares that she's not too good at negotiations and decides to go back to his nap. Meghan sits down on the edge of the bench and says, "You know, you seem like a pretty reasonable guy. Normally I don't open up to people I don't know or I'm not even sure really go to this school..." "Transferred here three weeks ago," he informs us. "Not...the point," Meghan interrupts. Shut up, Meghan; I'm trying to watch the Cute Guy. She says the following as one sentence: "Uh, my privacy is -- it's kinda important to me right now I've...been going through some rough stuff you probably don't need to know and I'm pretty sure couldn't even begin to relate to but just trust me when I say I have to be alone here in this spot so could you please just do this for me because I'm asking?" Exhale. The Center of the Universe has spoken. Cute Boy moves a bit and asks how rough the rough stuff is. Meghan tells him the entire school hates her. He asks how long he's been asleep. Smiles and smiles as the background music kicks up. Cute Boy gets up to leave and tells Meghan that you meet the most interesting people when you try to be alone. Meghan rolls her eyes and executes a double hair tuck as she sits down to enjoy her lunch. She turns around to stare out the window that is ten feet away from her and sees way down the hallway to the doors leading into the school. Of course, Cute Boy turns around, looks at her and smiles. These super vision powers would convince me he's an alien, but it just affirms his cuteness to Meghan as we finally go to the opening music. It's getting shorter and shorter.
Mary makes a bunch of Post-It notes informing of a family meeting. Everyone wakes up and rolls onto their notes and joins breakfast at the table. Elizabeth is furious she didn't get a Post-It, even if she was already up. "Good morning, everyone," Mary says while sitting down. "Now, this isn't really a family meeting, this is a me meeting." No shit. Mary is stressed about the wedding. She says that Amber moved up the date to this weekend. "Don't ask," Mary says. "Why?" Mitch comes in right on cue and everyone spends a few minutes chuckling at wacky ol' Dad. Mary says she needs everyone's help. Kenny says he can't because Victor would be pissed at him. Blah, blah, blah, everyone is going to help at this wedding, dammit. Cameron is only half listening because he's flexing his arm. She tells everyone that they will be helping all day before school, after school, all day Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday night helping clean up. Mitch asks if he can take a shower first. Mary says hurry up because breakfast is almost ready. "Oh, and I need you to recruit some friends." I start laughing. "Anyone who is responsible and looking for six bucks an hour." "I'll, uh, ask Amy, okay?" Meghan says, since that's the only friend she's got left on her list of Best Friends. I swear Meghan must have sixteen half-hearts with "Be Fri" or "Est Ends" hanging around her jewelry box. "I can't believe I didn't get a Post-It," Elizabeth whines as she walks by. Because if you're planning a family meeting, make sure you use the paper that the Green family uses. Post-Its, for when you want everyone to show up so you can make them do your job for free. Mary tells Mitch she hopes she can pull this off, and Mitch looks down to read off his token line of each and every episode: "You'll do great."
Ferret walks into the School Without Classes wearing a belly shirt that barely covers her boobies and some see-through purple thing on top. Meghan asks what she's doing on Saturday. "So-eei-eeei-oooh-iih- this is your return from exile?" Ferret asks. "I guess." Ferret completely ferrets out and throws her arm around Meghan and gushes, "Hee-hii-ih-oh-iih-ihh! Welcome back to the real world! Ih-oh-ih-ih! Missed you." "Oh, thank you so much," Meghan says, just like David Spade. She asks Amy to answer her question. "Sounds like I'm spending it with you! Ih-oh-iih-ih!" "Which means you're working at a wedding for my mom," Meghan declares. "Does it pay in 'thank-yous or cash?" Meghan tells her that she's in luck. Meghan is dishing out the thank-yous and her mom is paying six bucks an hour. Jesus, these scenes are taking forever. "Fine!" Ferret yips. "But if your brother hits on me, he's dead." "Which one?" Cue Testosterone Guitar.
Kenny is trying to talk Victor into cooling off about the wedding. "She's nice...in a freaky Tori Amos sort of way," Kenny says. Victor pulls Kenny over to his locker to show why he's so pissed at his dad. He pulls out some photographs he swiped from his dad. In them his dad is laying around with a naked, tiled Amber in his arms. He explains that the date on the photos is his mom's birthday. He never even called her. "He was supposed to be going on a business trip." Victor says he doesn't want to pretend he's happy at the wedding because she "totally nuked" his family.
Meanwhile Mitch is doing business things at his "office." I guess the stay-at-home Dad had enough already. Blonde walks in carrying blueprints. Mitch gets off the phone and tells her she has the wrong room. She says that it's her first day and she's replacing his old project engineer. The old one got in trouble with the law or something...it's really not important. Mitch mentions something about UCLA. I can't really see the new blonde because they have her standing in this backlight and there are just some shadows all over her face. Mitch says he just came by to pick up some permits. Blonde tells Mitch that the permits are no longer approved. Really long blah, blah, blah -- Mitch starts up with his Tony Soprano as Blonde tells him that she can't approve on a project in the middle. She doesn't trust the old guy and she wants to start all over. He's going to have to reapply. He questions her ability to do her job. She tells him she's going to ignore his being rude. Mitch is furious because that's going to take time and money and he wants to start renovating that old firehouse now. She's really sorry, and really dark hidden in the shadows. He closes the door and sits down and asks if she has any other bad news. She says she's an SC fan. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaah. Cue the funky hip music as the Blonde gives him this sexy smirk and a wobble of the head. He looks at her. She squints and smirks.
ATTENTION FASHION POLICE! ATTENTION FASHION POLICE! Meghan Green is walking up the stairs of the School Without Classes wearing a tight red cardigan and red parachute pants! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Report immediately to your stations! That is all.
Cute Boy is sleeping on her bench and she tells him to scoot over. He asks if everyone still hates her. She says a few transfer students could go either way. Cute Guy looks through the window across the way and says, "Love is in the air." Meghan looks at him like, "It takes more than ten minutes to make me fall in love with you, Mister. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. What are you saying?" He points out the couple sitting on the bench in the lounge. "The custodian and the lunch lady?" Meghan scoffs. "Oh, get real! They're just sitting there."
Because I had vowed it early on, and they actually did it again, I take out my kitchen knife and cut off my little toe as I heard Meghan utter the title of the series once again. I went to pick it up to see if I could get it reattached after the episode, but my cat snatched it really quickly and immediately batted it under the bookcase. I'll get it later.
Cute Boy explains that a guy just needs proximity. Meghan says they aren't even talking to each other. "Sometimes you can say a lot more without words," Confucius says, but Meghan's hair is just confused. "Oh yeah, yeah," Meghan nods. "I bet you she's saying, um, 'You know I can't wait to whip up some more creamed corn for the kids tomorrow, mmm!'" Because Meghan assumes that poor people just live for their poverty-stricken jobs. Cute Boy laughs because he drives a Porsche and turns his twenty-five year old head in Meghan's direction to say, "Possibly, but uh, consider what he's saying." "And that would be?" Get Real's writers use yet again. "I spend the entire morning waiting for our lunches together. Sitting here with you is the best part of my day." Meghan visibly pants as Cute Boy turns his twentysomething head to the side and clenches his jaw so we can see just how damn cute he is. Meghan continues to pant and then picks up her sandwich and begins eating it, just like any other girl who gets stricken with love.
Apparent time warp. Mary is giving the lowdown on the wedding rules to Cameron, Kenny, Meghan and their "friends." Mary says that Victor's dad's brother has graciously offered to let them use his house/mansion, but his only rule is that no one enters the house without permission. Mary asks Cameron to take his "team," since we've never seen any of these boys before, and start setting up tables. She tells Meghan to work on the electricity. I was hoping she'd ask Meghan to breakdance. Kenny gets the "special" assignment. His job is to keep Victor happy. Kenny says he'll be lucky if Victor doesn't "expose himself" at the wedding. Mary exhales quite a bit and asks Kenny to do his best. She wobbles a bit on her feet and looks over at Cameron moving a table. Cameron walks by a teen throwing a ball at a little girl. He stops moving the table to watch, because the teen is a very Pretty Young Thing. "My cousin, isn't she great?" PYT says to Cam. "She's adorable," he agrees. PYT asks if Cam would like to join them. "Don't tempt me," he says. "I use any excuse to take a break right now." Because he's been working for exactly thirty seconds. He says he's on the clock. PYT tells Cam she can probably swing him a break since her dad owns the place. Cameron drops the table in the middle of the street and walks over. He extends an ear to shake her hand. She's Alicia. He's Dumbo. "So, uh, you live here," Mr. Obvious declares. "Sorry to say I do," she says. Cameron says she shouldn't be sorry because this place is so cool. I guess he's never seen a kitchen larger than his before. Cameron says something about her dad being "loaded" and she looks all offended because rich people can't stand it when the poor call them rich. "Sorry, that came out kinda dumb," Cameron says. No, Cam. It's not your words. It's you. Alicia is quick to forgive of course, but she hardly gets another word out before Latino Bad Dad walks over and tells Alicia she has a phone call. The LBD gives Cam the skinny: "The tables are too close to the house. And so are you." Cue Bad Dad music as he walks away and Cameron squints his face and thinks, "Wait. So, I'm a table?"
Mitch walks into the Green house with tulle all over his face, which was obviously planted there by the prop guy right before action was called, because he pulls it down immediately to show that it really was never in his way. He's on the phone trying to get a new person assigned to be his project engineer because he's "locking horns" with the Blonde. He puts down the box of tulle and says he can't talk to her. He writes a name on a Post-It. Remember, Post-Its. For when you can't stand working with a woman.
Meghan is sitting with a book in her Sorta-Kinda-Private space waiting around for Cute Boy. She puts the book down without marking the page because she's the valedictorian, she doesn't need to ever read or study or go to class. The song sings the rest of the scene, since the visual is just Meghan waiting around. "Crying out loud. Heart aching with every beat. Someone searching, certain for someone, and everywhere and endlessly." "He didn't show," Meghan's hair interrupts. She leans her head back as the singer gets louder to overcome Meghan. "Cursing, waiting, could there be someone certain for someone searching. So battered and bruised. Cry wounded and left for dead." I start getting nauseous as the scene changes to Romeo Chimpulet staring up at (I'm not kidding) Juliet on her balcony. For some reason he takes this as a sign, completely jumps the wall to the house and starts running up the stairs. He's stopped of course, by the LBD. The LBD tells Cam he shouldn't come in the house uninvited and doesn't fire Cam immediately like he should. Cam is mumbling something about needing some water or bubbles or something, but LBD's putting the smack down, yo. LBD's in the hiz-ouse, homes. He tells Cameron to leave his daughter alone because she's not well. "She's sick?" Cameron asks while backing up out of the house. "She has problems and they are none of your business," he stresses. He asks Cameron to respect her privacy and his. Cameron has the no-fault hands up and continues leaving the house. "I didn't know," Cameron says, and leaves as the singer continues: "Love, scarred alone."
Meghan walks in to escape the song, but it continues as she walks down the hallway. She finally sees Cute Boy, so the song might stop. He's in her house. He's in her living room. He's talking to Mary. Meghan darts behind the staircase wall and thinks to herself while flipping her hair wildly, "He's here! Oh, my God! He found my address! He tracked me down!" I guess most girls would be flattered if some guy they hardly knew just followed them home or something and got all close to their parents and then was totally in their house before they were. "Okay, okay, deep breath! Deep breath! Don't get too excited. Try not to grin! And for God's sake, don't run." Oh, so that's Meghan's secret to friendship: "Try not to grin." Now you know, girls. That's how you get a new guy a week. Never grin. She rounds the corner and walks into the living room. It's Cute Boy, alright. Talking to Mary. Standing to...The Ferret! Curse the Ferret! Mary says "Good news, Amy found another recruit." Cute Boy walks over to Meghan and sticks out his hand. "Clay." "Meghan," she says, executing the perfect non-grin. "Hiho-hii-hiii- When I promised my Saturday night to you," Ferret starts while putting her arm around Cute Boy Clay, "I forgot to clear it with my boyfriend! Hii-hooo-hiii-hii-hiiee!" Clay puts his arm around her too and smiles at Meghan like, "Yeah, I've got a girlie, too." "I told you my life got interesting," Ferret says, in case we forgot the Very Special Foreshadowing Moment. Meghan breaks her promise and grins. She grins like she's never grinned before. She grins so hard that Mary's looking at her like, "Something's wrong with the girl." Meghan continues grinning so hard that the screen fades to white and we go to commercial.
Some Colgate guy is telling me I have to decide if I'm a "gel" person or a "paste" person. Hey, buddy, I decide my own cliques.
As the five-note Get Real jingle comes to a close, Mitch sits down on the staircase since the World's Largest Kitchen just doesn't do it for him anymore. Kenny sits down to him so they can discuss the problems with Victor. Since this scene takes too long as well, here's what you (don't) need to know: Mitch's parents got divorced when he was a kid and it was his friends that got him through it. Kenny needs to be there for Victor. He thinks he should get Kenny to get Victor to sit down with his dad and talk. They talk with food in their mouths for a while so Mitch can get the full-on Tony Soprano and sniff a lot while he talks.
Strummy guitar takes us over to the Who Wrote the Bench of Love as Meghan asks Clay why he pretended he didn't know her in front of Amy. He gets off on the technicality that they never really exchanged names. Meghan rolls her eyes and smiles. He's forgiven. He says he never would have pegged her and Amy to be friends. Well, Clay, if you'd shown up three weeks ago, you wouldn't have this problem. Meghan asks why not. He says, "Well, Amy's just so out-there, you know? Open. You tend to be the more 'keep it all inside till you just can't take it anymore and you just gotta just spew it out,' type." Meghan subconsciously begins a complete Ferret impersonation as she says, "Yeah, well, you know Amy and I really aren't all that different, I mean I, I, I'm social, and outgoing...and very...out, outgoing." Clay reminds her she came here to hide. She interrupts to say that he came there too. He says he wasn't hiding, he was just looking for a nap. Their attention turns to the lunch lady and the custodian. The lunch lady stretches, and their elbows touch. "It's a signal," Clay says, "See? These are two lonely people. Neither one of them wants to make the first move they're too scared to risk rejection." Meghan makes goo eyes at Clay while he talks. "So that little touch is telling him that she's available and telling her that he's interested." Meghan scowls and says, "Are you always this optimistic about everything?" like she hates him. "Yeah," he says.
Mitch enters the "office" and asks for his three o' clock appointment. The Blonde walks in and says it's with her. There must be some mistake, blah, blah, blah, well, take it up with my supervisor. The Blonde keeps making "Do me" eyes at Mitch as he hems and haws that he was hoping to get a different person. She tells him he's stuck with her. She re-submitted some of his stuff and she makes another "Do me" face and he seems a bit smitten with her.
In the reflection of Cameron's sunglasses we see Alicia walk up and flick some water from her bottle in his face. She wiggles a little and says, "Oops! Earthquake made me spill my water." My face peels back in horror as my cat walks over to me and pukes a hairball on my remote control. Cameron plays this scene cool with his cool shades and cool moves as she tries to get him to talk more. She tells him that her father tells guys she's crazy. Cameron said her father was very "vague." "After my mom died," Alicia begins the Clichéd Trapped Possessive Father Monologue: "He snapped. He got super-possessive. Trust me, he'd say anything to keep you away from me." "Something tells me if you really want to make your daddy mad, you should just hang out with me," Cool Guy says back. "I'll keep that in mind," Alicia monotones as she walks away.
Back in the World's Largest Kitchen, the old argument of which center of the universe is having the biggest problem is in full swing. Mitch is complaining about this new Blonde ruining his life. Mary's neck cords heave and I move to the edge of my seat. This is it. Here's the part where Mary stands up for herself and tells Mitch to back off. "Well, I'm sorry, hon, but I'm kinda on her side. I, I've been there. Constantly trying to prove to the men around you that you're as good or better than they are that's, that's hard enough. First day on the job you went over her head." Mitch gives her a look and Mary starts exhaling. "You okay?" he asks. Go Mary, give it to him. "Yeah, I'm just exhausted. Maybe I'm coming down with something." Damn. Another wasted potentially pro-female moment. I'm trapped between the locked-up girl with the Bad Dad and the woman with the "I'm sorry, honey" mantra. Mitch smacks his hand on Mary's forehead and declares her to have "Wedding Acceleration Syndrome." Mary tells Mitch he's stuck with that woman and to try and think of her like a person and not an obstacle. "Good God, who picked out this typeface?" Elizabeth screams. "I did; is there a problem?" Mary storms over to her. Elizabeth says that it looks like it was picked off a cave wall. Mary asks her to fold the programs, and not to read them. Elizabeth uses the last of her six lines this episode to say she'll wait for the English version anyway. Mitch tells Mary to think of her as a person and not an obstacle. Mary gives him one hell of a smirking.
Kenny walks in the house with Victor right behind. Victor looks up to see his dad in the living room. He gives Kenny the defeated "Dude." Victor's dad says he thinks they should talk. Victor tries to leave, but Kenny makes him stay and tells him to talk about it. The Center of the Universe has spoken. Victor rails about his dad's cheating on his mom and his dad tells him that the only reason that he stayed with Victor's mom the last three years was because they didn't want to separate until Victor was in high school. He says they loved him too much. Oh, and they still do now. Victor's like, so outta there, man. He runs quickly to escape the five-note Get Real jingle, but it sort of follows him out the door. You can't escape the jingle!
Clay sits at Meghan's dining room table playing with wedding-cake dolls. "You know, I feel kinda godlike bringing these tiny couples together?" "Yeah, well, don't get a big head; half of these couples will be divorced within a year," Miss Congeniality smirks, "or recycled into Legos." She rolls her eyes and laughs because even Anne Hathaway knows that's the worst joke they've ever tried to pull on Get Real. Clay laughs because it's in his stage directions. Meghan watches Mary walk around in the kitchen throughout this whole scene. She asks Clay how he met Amy. He tells her that the Ferret's mom was his mom's nurse when she was getting home care. Meghan's hair asks if he doesn't mind telling her what happened. He says that his mom was in a bad car accident and the Ferret was really good about getting him outside and helping him through all of that. "She is the best," Meghan interrupts. When he transferred to Truman they hooked up. Meghan makes some fortune-cookie comment about the best relationships starting up from friends as the Ferret herself walks in like a stripper just off duty and announces that Meghan's mom and Grandmother are about "two minutes away from a steel-cage death match -- hii-hoo-hii-hee-heeii!" Meghan tells them to keep busy and Amy growls that they'll find "somethin' to do," and starts gooping all over Clay as Meghan tries not to vomit at their closed-mouth kissing as she walks out of the room. She shuts the door and the scene fades to white.
There is nothing better than a good laugh at the "Mr. Roboto" Volkswagen commercial after having to sit through fifteen minutes of Get Real. Thank you, Volkswagen.
Dear David Arquette. Shut. Up. Love, Everyone.
In the School Without Classes Meghan is walking over to her new alone/not alone spot when she sees that Clay has brought the Ferret to their special place. She walks away.
Meanwhile, Mitch is at a lunch date with the Blonde. She asks why he called her here. He says he figures they're going to be working together so they should get to know each other. He asks what her favorite music is. She asks if he's serious. It's hard to see Mitch behind the giant centerpiece at the table. She suggests talking football. Blah, blah, her dad used to be a special teams coach. His dad used to renovate old buildings, and that's why this one means so much to him. He Tony Sopranos the hell out of her. He says that his dad was the reason that he considered being an architect. She laughs and says she wanted to be an architect, too. Yeah, so did Art Vandelay, guys -- can we move on with this scene? So, they both have dreams, you know. The last two people on earth with dreams. Thank God they found each other. She softens even more and gives him the complete come-hither look as she tells him that she's not going to back down, but she'd be willing to put in overtime to get him to meet his deadlines. He seems to think that's a good idea as she still giving him the smirk-squint.
Clay runs up to Meghan in the spot where she met...oh, what was her name...oh, the friend with the rumors who...gosh, all I can remember is she banged the whole football team or something. Oh, well. Tra-la-la. Clay's fingers almost touch Meghan's as he tells her that the lunch lady brought the custodian a cookie today. Meghan says she thought it was a bit crowded for her on the bench. Clay thought it'd be cool since she and Meghan are friends and everything and Meghan's all, "No, it's just that was my spot. It's where I went to be alone. It's just -- I didn't want to have to deal with everybody." And Clay's all, "I didn't think it would be a big deal," and Meghan says she'll just have to find a different spot. Clay looks at her and says, "No, forget it. I will," and walks away. Meghan looks down and thinks, "How come every time I push somebody away they leave?"
Victor doesn't want to talk to Kenny. Kenny continues to talk to Victor to him but says he doesn't have to talk to him. Victor says that Kenny couldn't understand any of this.
Cameron hammers in a tent. He looks up to his Juliet. She walks back from the balcony and he takes off running right up to her bedroom. He says he wants to know if she feels the same way he does. She kisses him. He says he wants to see her on a date. He says her dad would kill him if he knew. He asks if her dad has to know everything. "Were you born a troublemaker?" she asks. Cameron looks to the side and sips some of the sweat off his upper lip as he says, "Oh, yeah." Studly. She tells him to get out of there. As he leaves, some maid lady walks in and stares at him long enough for me to scream, "Right! I get it! He's busted! You can leave now!"
Flash forward to the World's Largest Kitchen when Mary and Mitch come storming in to know why Cameron was in the house. She says that Alicia's dad wanted her to fire him but she needed him to work the wedding. Cameron says that this whole thing isn't fair. He's the center of the universe; he should get to see whomever he wants! Mary has some sort of anxiety attack that makes her all breathy and full of exhales. Cameron sees his mom freaking out and says that he won't see her anymore. "Consider me hands-off."
Some "Axel F" type of music plays as the wedding is about to take place. Mary is completely freaking out. There's twenty minutes before the ceremony and Victor is nowhere to be seen. Kenny says he doesn't think that he should get involved and neither should his parents. They don't listen, because they decide where people should and shouldn't be and say that if Victor doesn't go he's going to regret it for the rest of his life. There is much exhaling and panting. Kenny gets Mitch to drive him to where Victor is. Mary is jubilant that she's getting her way once again. You know, she's just paid to do the reception. I guess she gets a special "meddler's" bonus.
Meghan and Amy have the worst hairstyles I've ever seen. They have these knotted up braids with ribbons and some of their hair is down and some of it -- whatever, it's a wedding, right? Everyone is supposed to look dumb. They ask where Victor is and Mary tells them that no news is good news. Thank you, Gary Gnu. As Amy walks off to serve more champagne Clay walks over to Meghan and gives her flowers. "What are these?" Meghan asks. She's got over a 4.0, people. Clay explains that they are a peace offering, because she was so upset about her precious little bench. She says she was overreacting, being "lame," blah, blah, do me, and he says he just wants her to be happy, so here are some flowers. "So, uh, we cool?" "We're cool." Does she not see how this guy is totally playing her? Jeez. She smells the flowers as she voice-overs, "Oh, man. Huh. I'm in trouble." Fade to white.
Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt. Please put some clothes on. We're sick of the towel. Love, Most of the World.
Oh, and "Fry 2K?" Are they serious? There's nothing worse than cold MacDonald's fries. Nasty.
Cameron is pretending to be one of the poor people by serving drinks when Alicia unleashes that rapier wit and says, "Waiter! There's mold on my flan." Mucho yuks, senorita. Cameron tries blowing her off and tells her he promised his mommy he wouldn't talk to her. Her face gets really strained.
Meanwhile in the "I'm doing the right thing" part of the plot, Kenny is busting up Victor's soccer game to tell him that he should go to his father's wedding. Kenny says that he's going to hurt his dad. "Yeah, well, that's la vida," Victor says. There's some parallel drawn here about Victor's parents not really being Mr. and Mrs. Brady and that they shouldn't have stayed together if it was all a "sham." Kenny reminds Victor that they stayed together because they love him and so that he could have a house with two parents. Canadian voice on "house." Victor is breaking because the five-note Get Real jingle has moved to electric guitar and it's starting to make his eyes water. Kenny tells him to suck it up and move on, because he shouldn't just be mad forever over some stupid divorce. He says that Mike and Carol Brady started off as divorcees. Victor says he thinks they were widows.
Close-up on a harp as Get Real misses a chance to try out that five-note jingle on another instrument. The entire wedding party is looking around. Meghan looks at Clay. She looks down. Amy turns and looks at Meghan. She turns and looks at Clay. Clay looks at Amy. Meghan looks at Clay. Clay looks at Meghan. I'm tired. The bride and groom hold hands as they look around for Victor. He comes running in fixing his tux. He stammers an apology as his dad hugs him. The bride and groom don't seem to be worried about hanging out together before the ceremony. Mary interrupts the family harmony to say, "Let's do it." They start to move into their positions. Alicia turns and gives a toothy grin to Cameron who just has to smile back because he's in love, dammit, and he doesn't care who knows. He's chewing gum, though, so it might just be that his upper lip is stuck on his teeth. Amber looks up towards Victor and sees that he's still wearing his soccer cleats. "Oh, whatever," my boyfriend Eric shouts. "He had to take off the cleats to put on the tux and then he put the cleats back on? They should have just had him show up in his uniform if he 'rushed over so fast.'" Oh, and if you do wear cleats to a wedding, pick the cleats that Victor uses. Adidas. Adidas, for when you have to go to your father's wedding even if you have pictures of the titties of your young stepmom-to-be in your locker. Amber has some strange hairpieces in as well. The ceremony begins as Mary is still exhaling and acting all funky.
Ow! Ugh! Ihh! What's that noise? Oh, it's Lou Bega talking about all of the girlies in his life. That's Get Real -- always one step ahead of the music scene. Clay is dancing the Cute Boy dance with Alicia's cousin as Meghan makes the goo eyes at him. The Ferret walks up and yips, "Should I be jealous?" Meghan acts totally caught and eye-rolls herself into a panic. "Nah, she's too short," the Ferret concludes and Meghan's all, "Oh, the kid. Good thing I'm not going to college." Ferret exhales and says, "And he's just plain adorable! Iih-eei-iih!" She walks over to start dancing with Clay. Meghan walks up and taps Amy to say, "Yeah, he is." She walks over to a table and pours champagne in a glass as the woman at the table looks up at her like, "Hey, girlie, did I ask you to put champagne in my glass?" Meghan stares a little longer and walks off. Cut to Cranberries song as the reception continues. Mary stops Cameron who's in full mack daddy mode and he says, "Mom, I may never see her again, please?" "Don't make a scene. Don't make a big scene, okay? I'm watching you." The center of the universe is cranky when she's ill. Cameron makes his way over to Alicia's table and beelines over to the LBD. "Drinks?" "Nope. We're fine. Thank you." "So, there's absolutely nothing I can do for you." "No." "You're sure?" "Yes." Cameron plops the champagne bottle on the table and declares since he's no longer working for him he'd like to ask his permission to dance with his daughter. There is much glaring and sneering as Cameron insists it will be a "goodbye dance." LBD decides he likes the sound of a "goodbye dance," and of course lets the cuffs off his daughter for a few minutes. Cameron sweeps her to the dance area and while she's calling him his hero they dance too close in my opinion to be right to the LBD. She asks if he's really saying goodbye. He says he'll say goodbye but it's up to her to listen to it. She says she didn't know he could dance. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me," he says. Yeah, like your last name. They sort of lip-swipe each other as he tells her he really likes her.
Mitch tells Mary he's got to get downtown to see Blonde (her name is now Laura) because she's drawn up some new plans for her. Mary is surprised and he says he took her advice. He looks around the room and declares it's "like a Greek restaurant; all the waiters are dancing." Who's serving the champagne? Victor dances with Amber as his dad looks on approvingly. Cameron dances with Alicia as Mary looks on. The LBD just about has a coronary when Alicia snuggles into Cameron's neck. Clay dances with the Ferret. Meghan dances with Kenny. Tee-hee. Cross-fade into the clean-up section where Meghan watches Clay sit down to tie up a garbage bag. She decides that as long as he's dating Amy she's not going to do anything. But she needs to know...if the spark was really there. She sits down beside him to see what happens. He's tying up the bag and of course, their elbows touch. Cue the five-note Get Real jingle. Meghan is beside herself. She gets up and runs into Ferret who tells her that there's more garbage out there. Meghan offers to get on it right away and stammers out of the room.
The jingle is in full gospel mode as we fade into Mary's bedroom. She holds up a Fact Plus pregnancy stick. Mitch and the Blonde are talking and sitting very close over drinks and work. The stick fades in -- and we've got a plus sign, boys and girls. I guess that one night of drunken sex after the reunion was enough. "Oh, God," Mary repeats over and over as we cut to Mitch and the Blonde having fun again. Flash back to Mary stumbling in shock around her bedroom as the gospel singers start hooting about "One big family" and we fade to the end of the episode. And remember, if you're going to be pregnant right before your asshole husband begins an affair with a Blonde, make sure you use the pregnancy test Mary Green uses. Fact Plus. Fact Plus. You may not want to know the answer, but at least you'll know it quickly.
I know you're wondering what's going to happen , but you'll be waiting for a while. Get Real has been pulled for November sweeps, and won't be back on the air until December 15th. week you'll just have to watch the Very Special Two Hour Special. I know, I know. It's hard. Okay, everybody just calm down. Sit down, sir. Ma'am? Ma'am? If you could just stop all of the yelling and the wringing of the hands. I know it sucks. The show, I mean. So I'm going to go party every Wednesday for the three weeks. Have fun, kids.