Welcome to the Get Real pilot, in which the title is repeated twice. How many different film and television ripoffs can we fit in one hour? Get Real takes on that challenge.
The opening credits read like that scene in Poltergeist where everyone is trying to escape the zombie-filled imploding house. Why? I don't know. I assume this will change each week as it seemed to only be here to have a woman shout over and over "Oh God! Oh God!" so that we can then fade to white into this woman who we know as Mary from the previews bouncing up and down with traces of sweat in her Natalie Imbruglia haircut as she continues her chants to God. Is she working out? Is she having a private moment? A few more rowing machine movement clips spliced together as the gospel theme song comes to a climax (pun intended) and a sun-kissed husband rises up to kiss Mary proving that not only is there not an actual erect penis inside her body, but she's doing it with a man who doesn't grow facial hair during the night and whose hair stays perfect while he sleeps. My mind at this point whispers, "This must be a dream. I hope this whole show isn't going to be some sort of dream."
"David, I'm so glad I married you," she says as she kisses him again and bites her lip in an "I'm a sexy mom" sort of way. David kisses Mary under her chin and actually says, "Remember me today," which makes me choke on my cigarette. Cue children walking in, squeaky clean and carrying a tray of food. Parents lean back and smile at their children as if to say, "Sorry we left the door open during our wild lovemaking." And they smile back: "That's okay, guys. If you didn't do it all the time we wouldn't be around in this wonderful world." Oh, yeah, and by now I'm totally aware it's a dream sequence. Girl mumbles something about how they made breakfast. Older boy mumbles something about needing the car and then gives his younger brother Kenny a loving noogie. I hear younger brother's name and pray that there aren't any South Park jokes in this show, because if there are, I'll scream. Kids leave the bedroom, beaming. David tells Mary to stay in bed and he'll take care of everything. She watches his butt as he walks towards the bathroom door. He turns around and stares at the camera long enough that I know I'm supposed to remember that face. Oh, and the theme song is still "oooh"ing in the background. Mary smiles at David and touches her shoulder and looks at it longingly. I see nothing there, and can only assume that she's onto her dream sequence. She lowers her head to the pillow as the theme music mercifully stops.
"Hey, Mar?" we hear from offscreen. The lighting has changed completely. Suckas! Welcome to the first Get Real dream sequence. Mary sees her husband come tromping out of the bathroom. He is not the same man. I don't mean that in some love song sort of way, I mean he's played by a different actor. Still, Mary checks her shoulder just to be sure. Nope. Still nothing there. Must have been a dream. Dad makes one comment about reminding her to take the kids somewhere and they are instantly fighting. They use words like "issue" and "meeting" and "closing a deal" so we know they are grown-ups with grown-up business jobs. At one point she calls him "Mitch." THAT'S NOT DAVID! [picture Dr. Evil pinkie here]
Pan down the hallway with a voice-over: "I'm trying to remember the last time my mom and dad started the day without fighting." The pan ends at Kenny's face. He looks into the camera: "I can't," he says.
This style will get old soon.
"I mean, everything in this house is changing," he continues as we watch him walk but don't see him talk, which has now suddenly become a pre-pubescent mix of high and low tones complete with a crack. Just for that sentence. "Including your voice," I say. "Including my voice." Ah, another show I could have written while I did my taxes.
Here's the big exposition voice-over narration. We see Grandma walking up the stairs. Kenny, for some reason, sits down to watch her carry towels. She's been living here since Grandpa died, we learn. Hey, it's the lady from St. Elsewhere and Ross's mom on Friends. "You're going to school like that?" she asks him. Kenny is only wearing socks. "Cameron stole my Airwalks," he says in a cool non-commercial plug way. "That's nice," she replies, and walks on. There's your witty Grandma banter. Dad and Mom make quick fighting words as they pass each other through some door in what is quickly turning out to be a very large house. Mitch: "This is how you want to start your morning?" Mary: "This is exactly how I don't want to start my morning." Thanks for wasting six seconds of my life on unnecessary dialogue, guys. "As if this place wasn't Toontown enough," Kenny says for absolutely no reason, "we're remodeling the kitchen." Shots of lots of people walking around their now-mansion. "Sure it's dusty and loud -- "
Cut to girl's face. She's looking at us. She says, "At least it drowns out my parents' fighting." We follow teenage girl through her morning ritual as she talks to us in a way that lets us know she's apathetic, removed from the family, and cool. She gives us a list of her assets, sometimes to us and sometimes in a voice over: "...got a GPA over 4.0, kicked some serious SAT butt, I've been accepted to Berkeley, early admission, I have this killer bod that I don't even have to work out for, my life is hell." Yeah, get over yourself. Shot of her painting her toenails, which is what every schoolgirl does before class to get that nice sock wiffle on her nails as she spills the point of her character. "I have this...um...surprise for my parents later on...that is going to get them so mental they'll freak." I know that that last part says they'll be so crazy they'll be crazy, but you know, she's trying to be hip, so, like, whatever. Shot of her putting in her contact lens -- so she could get the nail polish fumes directly in her eye -- as she continues: "Oh, I'm not...um...I'm not pregnant or anything." Voice-over continues so we can see her roll her eyes at us without getting distracted from actual acting. "Like my mom was with me when she was only, like, exactly my age." Shot of Indigo Girls poster. "And I'm not gay, either." Sound of snort. She looks at us, rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Get real."
Yeah, America. Get Real. She can like the Indigo Girls without being gay. Just get off her damn back. To drive the joke home she walks out of frame so we can once again see the Indigo Girls poster. I hate it when shows mention their own name.
"I know what you're thinking," she continues as she ties her shoes. "This is another one of those smart-ass shows where the kids talk to the audience like on...um...Dawson's Creek." Yeah, like you forgot the name, girlie. You know you dream of Pacey. She starts to talk to us again using her mouth. "Which, actually, come to think of it, I'm not even sure does voice-overs...see, personally I wouldn't be caught dead watching it because...there is nothing more obnoxious than self-aware teens that know more about life's great mysteries than their parents." Those ellipses are not because I'm cutting the beautiful language. This girl just takes lots of pauses. I'm not even going to comment on that last bit, anyway. This must be some sort of Alanis-defined type of irony they were going for here. "Oh, don't worry," she interrupts my good cigarette to tell me, "we're not gonna get all stermy [sic] either like on My So-Called Life." Cut to director's name in credits. It says Executive Producer Scott Winant but reads, "Hey kids! Aren't I cute? Watch this show! Watch it or I'll kill Angela and make Rayanne dress in Gap!" "Although, you know," teenage girl interrupts my funny joke, "that chick didn't do so bad for herself." She says this straight to us as if screaming, "I wanna Leo movie, too!"
I looked up "stermy" in the dictionary, but it wasn't there. Maybe she meant "sterny." That's not there either.
Shot of boy walking up stairs continuing his commercial. "Dad, you seen my Airwalks?" "What are Airwalks?" "Shoes." "Can't help you." Cut to weird scene of superimposed bodies and longing glances that states quite simply in the voice-over that Mom is sad that teenage daughter (who now has a name: Meghan) is going to college. Back to our commercial brought to you by Kenny. "Fact: My Airwalks are missing. Probability: my brother took them." He mentions "serious contraband" in brother's room. He mentions to mother Mary in passing that he "heard Cameron puking up a lung or something last night." Thank you, Ferris Bueller. Mother turns in her sexless daze toward the brother's room. "Airwalks?" Kenny says to Meghan. "Nope." No wonder we haven't had a commercial break yet. Fade to white to some builder guy talking builder talk to Mitch. Mitch says to go ahead and do the builder stuff. Mitch and Grandma exchange a knowing glance that I'm not in on. Mom calls Cameron's name and walks over to his bed. "Cam, honey, are you okay?" "Cue the girl," I think. And then she pokes her head out. She's a clinky girl -- you know, the kind with lots of bracelets? So it's safe to assume the writers will make her out to be an idiot, and we don't have to have anything vested in her. Cameron introduces the girl (who looks like Georgia from Ally McBeal) as Gabby while he's in bed with her; she's topless and he's wearing a t-shirt. Maybe Cameron's got a pimply chest.
Dad is talking to us, but he's really talking to someone else. Brace yourselves, here comes the show's worst line. Off-camera voice: "You've been a wreck all morning." Mitch: "Oh, I don't know. There's, there's something about Mary." As I'm reeling from that horrible joke and bracing myself for more ("When Cameron was in Egypt land..." "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"), we see that the guy talking is David, the man from Mary's fantasy. He tells Mitch to have an affair. He talks about the Laker girl he's screwing. There's a few dumb lines about whether "they" want you to call "them" Orientals or Asians. Doesn't develop character and doesn't make me laugh. Wasted another thirty seconds of my life. David has huge nostrils.
Fade to white on Kenny talking about his best friend Victor as the high school background spins in a circle around him for no reason. Victor's dad left him and his nine brothers and sisters and moved in with some waitress named Amber. For some reason this story makes Kenny giggle as he tells it. To smooth things over he says, "Don't go getting all P.C. on us about the Latino coming from a big family whose father split. I, I, I mean it happens, okay?" Oh, sorry. I must be the asshole. I hate when my TV is rude to me. Senseless line here about needing naked chicks in a video and Alanis Morrisette has to be in it. Shot of important guy who Meghan dumped. He has a smear of eye goo that we are supposed to believe is a tear. Kenny stares at him in an unnecessary slow-motion shot until Cameron hits him from behind on his skateboard. Only Cameron skates in the school. It's okay, though, he's wearing his helmet. What a dork. Cut to shot of blonde in a slip. Kenny's love: Jane Cohen. She's in her own light walking in slow motion so we can see her boobs bounce while the others are sped up. She's twenty-five years old, easily. Vinny, I mean victor tries to tell Kevin, I mean, Kenny that today is the day he should ask Winnie Cooper, I mean, Jane Cohen out. victor: "Two words: Carpe diem." "Fish of the day?" I throw my copy of Dead Poet's Society. at the television. In walks the school bully. You know this is the bully because:
- He's walked into the bathroom.
- He's wearing flannel.
- He's got a goatee.
- He's Hispanic.
- He's twenty-nine years old.
Just in case we really aren't morons, Kenny explains that Frank Ortiz is the school bully who is "bigger than Janet Reno." Ha. Ha. Guess what, guys? If you're audience is as dumb as you think they are, they don't know who Janet Reno is. Frank says "move" in a voice that must have been dubbed by Sloth from The Goonies. Awkward moment where Frank makes the urinal flush on Kenny's pants. victor tries to stick up for him by asking why he's picking on Kenny. "Because I can." He breaks a mirror with his back pack. Frank tests victor by asking him a question in Spanish. The subtitle says, "Are you man enough, dude?" In this world, "Vato" means "dude." victor is caught. He doesn't speak Spanish. Frank will now kill victor for this, until Kenny steps up and shouts "NOOO!" So Frank will now kill Kenny (I know you see it coming, too), before school. Frank leaves. victor tries to lighten things by telling Kenny there's a girl on TV who needs a kidney. Thanks, Ferris. He then gives the obligatory, "Yo, bro. Thanks, man." All is cool in guydom. "Great," Kenny think-says into the mirror, "I'm going to get killed before I ever get a chance to see my first real boob." Missed your chance this morning, buddy. "Welcome to the worst day of my life," Kenny says, and then re-caps the past fifteen minutes of this show. A glance from Girl of Dreams changes it to a great day. I miss Daniel Stern.
The newscast is telling us about the girl who still needs a kidney. Mary turns off the television by pushing a button on the set, prompting me to wonder with a 40" screen like that how they don't have digital cable. "Mitch," she says, "can that wait? I really need to download my day with you." If someone ever said that to me, I'd start a fight, which is exactly what they do. She says that talking to Cameron is like "talking to cheese." Mitch still ignores her. She hits him with a whammy: Meghan is nominated for valedictorian. This stops Mitch in his tracks. He has to sit down. He has to slow down. He's an out of touch father, blah, blah, blah fishcakes. They mention they don't talk over breakfast anymore. This starts some argument about Eggs Benedict that leads me to think they shouldn't be married anymore anyway. They plan a date for the evening that we all know won't be kept. Gross parent scene involving sex talk about garter belts and open mouth kissing while guitar music plays in the background (think the parent music from My So-Called Life). He gropes her butt.
In the five-car garage Kenny asks Cameron for advice. Cameron blabs something about Butch and Sundance and I realize that Cameron's character is Joey from Blossom. He tells Kenny to kick the guy in the nards. "Thanks, Fonzie," Kenny says, which forces my one laugh of the evening. Cameron goes back to making out with a girl under the car. She's neither Gabby nor Dakota. He's got the Stephen Baldwin touch. Kenny is now dreaming of beating up Frank. Frank punches Kenny once and he's down. Fight bell sounds. Dream continues with sexy jazz and Winnie Cooper in a slip running for maximum boob jiggle to Kenny's aid. He nuzzles against her boob. He wakes up. "How the hell am I ever going to face -- " "-- my parents after I break the news to them," Meghan interrupts, complete with pensive hair tuck. She wishes her mom didn't get knocked up when she was her age so she wouldn't be here wishing she wasn't here. She walks into Kenny's funeral as Cameron air guitars to the priest, who is lamenting about a life taken before he saw his first boob. Kenny wakes up during breakfast. Builder is talking more builder talk and Mary whispers in Mitch's ear: "Two words: crotchless panties," sending creepy vibes around my home.
At the non-descript schoolyard bleachers it looks like Frank isn't showing up. Of course he arrives late due to his last fight, and he's got on an army helmet and rides a motorcycle. Kenny whines again that he's never going to see or touch a real boob. He tries to kick Frank in the crotch. Frank catches Kenny's foot and gives him one good punch, sending him flying. Altogether now, with victor: "Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastard!" I know this is the only reason this kid is named Kenny and it makes my ulcer act up. Kenny hallucinates that victor's chest is Girl of Dreams' chest and victor drops him on his head, furthering his concussion. Meghan is sad with butterfly clips. Cameron skates. Kenny puts a Coke on his head.
Elsewhere, men discuss contracts as Janice from Friends walks in. "You're banging a Laker Girl?" Friends don't let Friends do bad television. Shot of Mary preparing for the big date that won't happen because Mitch's friend just got dumped by the Janice. Kenny attempts a heart-to-heart with Mary about his parents' relationship and she blows him off. The men come home with Chinese food and Mary's so mad she remembers that it's this guy in front of her that she had the sex dream about. Kids come home to eat. Laker Girl Niko shows up so we can stare at her breasts as this actual dialogue is said: Cameron: "You have excellent breasts." Niko: "Thanks. They were a gift." Meghan: "My God, you could hide Anne Frank in that cleavage." Everybody stares for a bit longer at Niko's breasts. Uncomfortable moment where only Kevin, I mean Kenny sees the problems in his parents' relationship. Fade to white to first commercial break. I wish for the first time in my life I was watching Party of Five.
Fade to white at dinner. More shots of Laker Girl Boob. Janice/Jennifer comes in and flashes her digitally covered breasts at the table. She gives long monologue about how these are real-life breasts that have given him two children. Niko continues to eat in her silicon bliss. Kenny is disappointed in the first real boobs he sees. Grandma breaks the pause with "Gravity sucks." So does this show.
The television in the television tells us that kidney girl got a donor, since we were all so worried. Mitch and Mary have a tearful discussion about how they never do anything romantic together anymore. Mitch makes a piggy comment about how his best friend comes before her. Kenny and Meghan share a silent moment together on the stairs. She pushes back her hair to show that she's worried about her parents.
Cut to the day. The builders want more money. Mary is still mad.
Cut to school. Cameron skates past Kenny and tells him his hand hurts. Kenny pages Girl of Dreams and talks to her on his cell phone. She's interested and they make plans for lunch. No place, time or date, but definite lunch. She tucks her hair back too, but it's because she's happy. Kenny shows his back covered in sweat.
Mitch loses his contract. I'd care if I knew what it was about.
Kenny spots Frank. He's got a broken nose. Kenny realizes that Cameron punched Frank. Since these kids never leave each other's sides, Meghan overhears Kenny and stares at nearby Cameron in mixed gratitude and disgust as Everlast starts playing in the background because these kids "know what it's really like." Girl of Dreams walks past Kenny and into -- you guessed it -- Cameron's arms. They make out. Worlds crumble. "Why can't I just disappear off the face of the earth like Alicia Silverstone?" Kenny think-says, and I can hear the perfumed stationery of girls around the country prepare for the hate mail of a lifetime. Then he insults my intelligence again by making a www.loser.com joke. Fuck off. Fade to commercial break.
White fade into Kenny happy that Cameron's car is broken. "Payback, like Linda Tripp, is a bitch," he says, forgetting the level of intelligence he'd been playing to He kicks the jack from under the car and kills him. It's just a dream, silly. At dinner there's a toast about Meghan's valedictorian nomination. She stands up and thanks everyone and then drops the bomb. She turned Berkeley down. "Are you gay?" asks Grandma. "Because you turned that nice boy down and you have that poster of the two lesbians --" In case we forgot the earlier joke. Plus, if she was gay, wouldn't Berkeley be a nice place for her to go? Besides which, who turns down college because she is gay? Cameron is so mad he has to leave the table in a crazy "I hate everyone" way. "I'm still the same girl you loved two minutes ago," Meghan begins. "How can you do this to me?" Mary asks. "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me." I reminisce about how good a movie Some Kind of Wonderful was. Meghan calls Mitch "Daddy" and everyone starts listening to her. Mom interrupts in typical mean-My-So-Called-Mom sort of way and Meghan flips out and screams, "Maybe you're the one that should just go!" I wish Judd Nelson was there to start clapping. Mary picks a fight with Mitch about him being a cheapskate and happy that Meghan's decision will save them money. Cameron speeds off in car with Kenny's Girl of Dreams. We watch him drive recklessly for a few seconds. Mitch sips a shot glass of Coca-Cola. Mary enters with a mean blue light on her face. Mitch says this is all her fault. She says she's the only one involved in her kid's lives. They bring up Mary's shotgun wedding once a-friggin-gain.
Cut to upside-down Meghan voicing-over her pain. Her hair is back, so I can't tell what she's feeling. Parents are arguing that their lives aren't what they wanted them to be. They've made mistakes. Mitch is pissed that he's worked so hard to give them their mansion and new cars and he mentions he lost "the deal." This stops Mary long enough for Mitch to fling the patented, "There's a lot of things you don't know" at her. Cameron is still driving too fast. Mitch is laying into Mary hard. He puts up with being married to her because he has to. Then he gives her the big one: "If you can't get all the way to loving me, at least try to understand me." I laugh so hard I almost miss Mary whisper, "If this were Cheers they'd have sex right now." I have no idea what this means or where it came from. Neither does Mitch, because he goes to sleep in the guest bedroom. Builder comes out of the bathroom and mentions his stinky night-poo.
All-important phone call. We now see the beginning of the show again. Ah. Cameron had an accident. Everyone races into the car with Mary shouting "Oh, God!" again. We still have to see the whole thing, which I don't understand. They leave Grandma behind, which is a shame, since she's pretty good at Emergency Rooms. Fade to white. Someone is in cardiac arrest, but it's not Cameron. Bitchy-poo Meghan tells us we're idiots for thinking that it'd be Cameron like she's Christina Ricci in The Opposite of Sex. Girl of Dreams recognizes Kenny from Biology. Cameron asks if his car is okay.
Back home, Mitch carries Cameron to his room. I'm so sick of background music. Mitch and Mary sleep in separate bedrooms. Mary has heart-to-heart with Grandma who's thinking about something. Grandma shares a big secret with us. Apparently when Mary was eighteen she got pregnant. She had Meghan. Cut to same scene but with Meghan and Mary having a heart-to-heart using the same dialogue so us stupids wouldn't get confused. Mary tells Meghan she's not a mistake, which I'm sure Meghan's heard a million times with the way Mary's accidental pregnancy is waved in her face every ten minutes.
morning, Mitch wakes up on the couch to find Eggs Benedict. Mary is spoon feeding Cameron. She gets flowers delivered from what must be fastest florist in town. Kenny gets his Airwalks from the telephone wire as he hears a girl's voice say, "Excuse me?" Kenny think-talks, "Please don't let me be a victim in one of those Ally McBeal dream things." Whatever. Don't even. "So what have we learned here?" Kenny asks us in a last-minute effort to be both Craig Kilborn and Doogie Howser in the last few seconds. Apparently the rip-off quotient was down. Kenny recaps the entire show as he watches his parents make out in the window of their bedroom. He's interrupted by his dad calling him from the yard. HUH? Didn't he just see...? The image fades out. Duped again! Guy talk ensues. "How's Cameron?" "Not talking to me. I grounded his reckless ass." "Dad! Way to show some Zambonis!" They go out to "catch up on stuff."
Kenny blabs on about how his family is changing so Meghan can blab on about how she's a new woman complete with pants pulled underneath her boxer shorts in a way that screams "I'm 1996! Hear me roar!" She makes out with motorcycle boy and makes a reference to 7th Heaven. "I'm no angel, either," she continues. "Get real," she tells me for the second time as I hope she falls off the bike and Cameron skateboards off as Mary yells from the house to come back in. He has to be hand-fed but he can still ollie like no one's business. Music swells about "one big family."