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Just in case you were concerned, Tyrion Lannister survived his injury. He was left in the mud when his dad and the Tyrells joined forces and stormed King's Landing defeating Stannis Baratheon's troops. To celebrate the victory, Joffrey awards everyone great honors, except Tyrion who has been banished to a tower room to heal. His father has replaced him as the Hand of the King and Tyrion is no longer of use. Yet he wants to stay and continue to prove himself.
Margaery Tyrell, who is given to Joffrey as his blushing bride. His mom thinks it's a good move, what with Sansa being the daughter of a dead traitor. Everyone jumps on board this plan, including the Gods apparently. So Joffrey is free to follow his "heart" and wed the incredibly unlucky Margery. Sansa is thrilled to be free at last, but Lord Petyr Baelish has some conciliatory words for her about how Joffrey still gets to knock her around and maybe knock her up. Yeah, he's not going to send her home, but Baelish offers to help her for the sake of his old friendships. For once Sansa's refusal to accept help comes across as street smart.
Varys the eunuch is up to something. He strikes a deal with the madam of Baelish's brothel, but we don’t know why yet.
Brienne is still saddled with Jamie Lannister who won't stop talking and for some reason won't do us all a favor and shut his yap permanently. The only thing that shuts him up momentarily is the sight of three women hanging from a tree. Three Stark soldiers claim they gave at least two of them quick deaths. Brianne returns the favor and kills two quickly when one of them recognizes Jamie Lannister.
Robb Stark got laid once and is now ready to toss over his betrothed and her bridge for True Love. So he marries her. Now they're never going to get a bridge.
Stannis Baratheon is pretty peeved at the scary red lady for her failure to deliver the Iron Throne. He won't kill her, though, because you know, shadow babies. He does finally feel some guilt over sending Old Smoky to kill his brother, though. Red Sonja promises that he'll still be king. Then they stare at the fire without protective eye gear until they see spots. Magic!
Over at Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy is surrounded by an army and some would-be Horatio Hornblower. The sleep deprivation makes Theon open up to Maester Luwin about how much it sucked to be a prisoner all those years and his daddy issues. Maester Luwin wants Theon to run, but Theon can't go home, so Maester Luwin tells him to head north and join the Nightwatch where he will be beyond the law. It's a good speech, but Theon rushes outside and incites his men to break the siege. Instead they knock him out, put a bag on his head and head for home, spearing the Maester on the way out.Daenerys is on a dragon hunt in the House of the Undying. Only problem? It's a maze filled with dark magic, but at least Daenerys gets to hang out with Khal Drogo for awhile. When she leaves him, she finds her dragons and a few more of the creepy weirdos who capture her. Daenerys isn't very happy about that, so she has her dragons set the room on fire. Once freed she takes the key off the neck of the King of Qarth and reveals his treasure to be… nothing. She locks him in the empty treasure room and takes all his gold and jewels to buy a ship.
Arya Stark and her friends are roaming the country under the watchful eye of the Friendly Assassin Jaqen H'ghar. He tempts her to go learn to be an assassin, too, but she remains steadfast in her mission to find her family. Before they part Jaqen gives her a coin and a magic phrase to use in a time of need. Then he changes into someone else entirely, as one does, and walks off.
Winterfell is decimated. The dying Maester tells the boys to go north to the wall and look for Jon, who will keep them safe until they can find Robb and their mother. Well, Jon would, if he hadn't been captured by wildlings beyond the wall. In a scheme to infiltrate the wildlings, Qhorin Halfhand picks a fight with Jon and the wildlings let them fight until Jon slays him. They free Jon because they think he's an oathbreaker. He's going to meet King Mance Rayder. But none of it really matters because an army of wildlings is at the wall and at least half of them are already dead.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!When I was asked to fill in on Game of Thrones, I had no idea that it was the season finale. How could they wrap up all the many loose ends dangling like a traitor's body on a tree? Fear not, gentle readers, this is George R.R. Martin. These loose ends won't wrap up for at least another 17,000 pages when everyone is dead and reanimated as one of Mance Rayder's wraiths and then it will start all over as a great Game of Thrones/Walking Dead crossover and long-dead Robb will be wandering around saying, "Shit, where's Carl?" Let us now raise our Valerian steel swords and race to the front of this recap.
So where were we? Oh right: The Tyrells and the Lannisters teamed up thanks to Lord Baelish and saved King's Landing. They arrived just in time to see Tyrion get slashed by one of Cersei's minions as revenge for being a pint-sized pain in her ass. Also 'cause she sucks at being a decent human being. Cersei was just about to kill her kinglet (not Joffrey, sadly) but her daddy stopped her just in time. Elsewhere Daenerys is still looking for her dragons but no matter how many times she yells, "Waaaaaaaaaaaalllllttttttttt!" they just don't answer. (Mandatory LOL at all Lost jokes.) Robb doesn't give a damn about a bridge because underneath that armor he's still a boy, and the boobs of the present are more important than the bridge of the future or something. Don't look at me, Maester Luwin taught him that. Sansa still miserable, Arya is out of the castle but also still miserable, Bran and Rickon are still in hiding, and Theon Greyjoy still probably smells like wee. Is that it? Close enough. Enough reminiscing, let's get recapping.
You'll be glad to know that everyone's favorite imp, Tyrion Lannister, is still alive. He awakens in a cramped room, wrapped in dirty bandages, with a slash across his face and his attitude in full gear. Much to his dismay Maester Pycelle is looming over him and leering a little bit. Tyrion calls for Podrick, the loyal squire who skewered Cersei's assassin saving Tyrion's life, and orders him to go tell everyone that he's alive. Pycelle smirks again and tells Tyrion that everyone knows, but since he's no longer the Hand of the King, no one cares. Daddy Lannister is back and he's taking charge. Tyrion looks pretty bummed, a point that is confirmed when a horse's bum appears on the screen.
And then it poops. Don't laugh. Everybody poops. I do wonder (don't email me about this) how they got the shot of the horse's arse dropping a load though. Did they just feed him a bunch of apples and Ex-Lax, set up a camera on the poop deck, and wait? Is that what the Best Boy does on a film crew? Anyway the horse's ass is attached to a horse being ridden into the throne room by Tywin Lannister. Joffrey is sitting on the Iron Throne and making grand proclamations. Tywin is named the savior of the city and the Hand of the King. Lord Baelish is called up and thanked for his unification of the houses of Lannister and Tyrell. Joffrey grants Littlefinger the City of Baltimore and a guest spot on The Wire. [Note: Varys: "Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" -- Rachel.]
Loras Tyrell is and he has one wish: That the Weasel King marry his still-virginal sister Margaery. Damn you, Smokey the assassin, you killed Renly Baratheon -- this is all your fault. Joffrey reminds the crowd that he's engaged to Sansa. His mother A.K.A. his small council tells him he should set Sansa aside because she's a Stark and the Starks are bad. The crowd boos because every vow is sacred. Joffrey does a great pantomime of protesting his mother's statement. He can't toss aside Sansa! He made a vow before the gods after all. Then Maester Pycelle storms the room and claims that he talked to the gods about it or consulted with them and since Sansa's family has since made it clear they are treasonous, the gods don't mind if he backs out of this one deal. So Joffrey declares Sansa set aside and agrees to marry Margaery who is going to learn to regret her decision just about the time Joffrey is making his valet beat her with a scepter while he watches and claps. Poor Margaery... one husband was gay, the is a sadistic monster with a yellow streak and a weasel face. Dr. Phil would have a field day with her!
Sansa looks horrified, but as she turns to walk away, she breaks into a smile and starts humming George Michael's "Freedom." Baelish interrupts her swag and tells her that Joffrey will never ever let her go. He wants to keep her around to beat her, maybe knock her up and probably kill her. The only one who can save her is him. You know, because he loves her mother. Sansa looks appropriately skeptical.
Over in the King's Landing whorehouse, the redheaded madame is greeting a new customer. She's putting on a good show (and brings our boob count up to two for this episode) but the hooded client is Varys. He wants to know if Baelish is a good boss, but she doesn't answer, instead reaching for his package. Varys laughs as she recoils in horror at its absence. Varys tells her that he knows that Baelish pimped her out to be beaten by the King. He would never do that. He wants a partner. He thinks they can help each other.
Brienne the Big is still saddled with Jaime Lannister, who just doesn't stop talking. Brienne does a good job of ignoring his lewd suggestions, insightful commentary about her sexual proclivities and everything else that comes out of his mouth. They arrive on land and immediately come across the bodies of three women dangling from a tree. The sign around the neck of one says that they laid with lions, meaning, of course, the Lannisters. Jaime points out that Stark men must have done it. Brienne reminds him that she doesn't work for the Starks, she works for Lady Cat. She prepares to bury them, but in the middle of securing Jaime to a tree, she is interrupted by three Stark soldiers. They do their best to belittle the woman who stands at least a head higher than each of them and also take credit for killing the three tavern girls. Don't worry, they killed at least two of them quickly. Brienne is strangely unimpressed. She tells them Jaime is a prisoner being taken to Riverrun, but one of the men recognizes Jaime as the Kingslayer. [Note: He then gives Brienne and Jaime the third degree, quizzing them with state capital and pop culture trivia questions and then finally forcing the two to say the "prisoner's" name at the same time to prove they're not lying about his identity/so that that the Stark men can say "JINX!" and Brienne will owe them a Coke. But obviously, before anything comes out of Brienne's mouth, she's already kicking the crap out of all three guys.] So she kills them; at least two of them quickly and the other much more slowly. [Note: Right through the Shaggydog, if you know what I mean.] Jaime looks dazed by Brienne's sword skills, so when she barks at him to stay while she buries the women, he does.
Robb wants to talk to his mommy. He's still mad at her for freeing his MVP (most valuable prisoner) but when it comes to matters of the heart, boys need their mamas. He sits in her tent begging for her approval to toss over Walder Frey's daughter and her bridge for the love of his life Talisa who is Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter. I mean can you imagine the YouTube hits that marriage would get? So much better than some bridge and a sacred vow. Lady Stark reminds him that Walder Frey is a dangerous man, but Robb doesn't care so she tries a different tact. Has she mentioned that his father didn't love her when they first married? Robb looks almost interested as she tries to convince him that sacred vows and the weight of tradition make for better, longer marriages than one's based on boring old love. She adds that if he starts recklessly breaking vows, his men may follow in his footsteps. Robb thinks about it for a second and then shrugs. He is still marrying Talisa. His father is dead and the only parent he has left has no right to speak of recklessness. Cat looks like she's been slapped as Robb walks out of the tent.
Stannis Baratheon has clearly been doing some journaling because he is very in touch with his feelings right now. He is not happy about his defeat. But his armor is on so tight he isn't thinking clearly and doesn't see the loss as his own. He instead blames Red Sonia, because she saw his victory in the flames. He should never have trusted her or her god. She kind of shrugs it off, so he chokes the living shit out of her, squeezing so tightly you wonder if another smoke baby is imminent. Stannis chokes her some more and then gets bored of it. He drops her on the floor and then after admits that he feels guilty about killing his brother. She comforts him for his loss and promises him that he will be king. The war will be long, many will die, but he will be king. The talking fire said so. Stannis stares into the flames for awhile and then when his eyes really dry out, he too sees something in the fire. Maybe Visine? Maybe just Ben Stein.
Theon Greyjoy is also very in touch with his feelings. And what does he feel? That he wants to kill Horatio Hornblower. Well maybe not specifically Horatio Hornblower, but he definitely wants to take down the hornblower who keeps blowing his horn every few minutes not because the sheep's in the meadow and the cow's in the corn, but in order to keep the denizens of Winterfell awake. It's a siege tactic, you see, Maester Luwin reminds Theon, but Theon doesn't need the reminder. He just needs to kill the twerp. The lack of sleep is making Theon very moody, and a moody Theon means thinking about memories. Like the first time he ever came to Winterfell and how the place looked like it had been there forever. Maester Luwin nods and reminds him that Ned Stark went out of his way to make Theon feel at home. Theon spits out that his captors were very kind to their prisoner. Maester Luwin sort of gets it, but I completely relate. After all, I was an exchange student to France. So, yeah, I totally get it when Theon tells Luwin how awful it is to be constantly told how lucky you are to be a prisoner, how kind your captors are, how much you should appreciate that fortnightly bath you get. And then it's worse when you go to your real home and your dad is a toothless old dick who yells at you.
After a brief interlude of Theon yelling at Little Boy Blue, Luwin kindly suggests that Theon flee Winterfell. Yep, he should run. There are 500 Northmen outside and he only has 20 men. Theon doesn't think there's anywhere to go, though. He can't go home again with the shame of being the Greyjoy who ran. Luwin tells him that he doesn't need to go home. He can go join the Night's Watch. Once you go black, you never go back. No one can bother him there, and he can seize the opportunity to make amends for what he's done.
Theon listens quietly, but instead of heeding Luwin's words, he waits until daybreak and rallies his troop of 20. He wants them to break the siege or die trying. And whoever kills the hornblower gets extra laurels. [Note: It's actually one of the few moments where you don't want to punch Theon in the throat because a) it's a pretty damn good speech and b) it shows he's actually willing to be a brave warrior for once. It even momentarily looks like he's inspired his troops to die for the cause.] Instead the men clobber him, put a bag on his head and prepare to go home. They've made some deal with the people outside the walls of Winterfell, apparently. Luwin rushes out to demand answers. The Iron-born brute skewers the old man on spear and leaves him to die. What a dick.
Back at King's Landing, Varys breaks some bad news to Tyrion: Cersei was behind the attack that nearly cost him his life. If it wasn't for his squire Podrick's bravery, he would surely be dead. Tyrion doesn't believe him and thinks Varys is just trying to make strife, but then Tyrion checked @Varys on Twitter and saw, "SMH found out that C totes h8s her bro. Now T is all FML, amirite?" and now Tyrion believes him. After all, back in the olden days, if was on Twitter it was always true. Now not so much, SMH. Although Varys was definitely the Gossip Girl of Westeros. I wonder if there is Varys-Gossip Girl fan fic out there? Too lazy to Google. Now that Varys has Tyrion's attention he tells him that Braun has been relieved of his duties as the head of the King's Guard and that the hill tribesmen have been paid off and fled the city. Tyrion is very much alone. Also, Varys won't be coming around much anymore. Much like in middle school, unpopularity is contagious in King's Landing and Tyrion totally has the cheese touch. (Mandatory LOL for all Diary of a Wimpy Kid references!) Then Tyrion really does shake his head and tuts that he thought he and Varys were friends. Varys assures him that they are. He tells Podrick to open the door and Shae comes in to tend to her wounded lion.
Once they are alone, Shae takes off the bandages and inspects his wounds, which NERD ALERT, aren't as severe as the ones described in the book. He still has most of his nose and an almost attractive diagonal slash across his face. She studies him calmly and shrugs. As he is wont to do, he gets bitter and defensive and calls her a whore who takes his money and has to tell him he's attractive. She replies, "Fuck your money," drops the mic, and raises her hands. Once Tyrion settles down, she tells him that they should leave. Go somewhere else, be happy. But for some reason (the continuation of the plot, mostly) Tyrion refuses. He loves all the party and bullshit and political machinations. He won't leave.
In a dark wood, Robb and Talisa get hitched. It's a private ceremony that look like the Westeros equivalent of going to city hall. Raise your hand if you think this ends well!
Daenerys Targaryen is still wandering around Qarth yelling, "Draaaaaaaaagggggggonnnnnnnns!!!!!!!!" and they are rudely not answering. They are SO getting a time out when she finds them. She and Ser Mormont and the one remaining Dothraki guard head to the House of the Undying to search for the dragons because it has a giant sign that says "Here Be Dragons" on it. The House of the Undying is a tower with no entrance. Daenerys walks around it and finds herself magically transported inside with no guards. She grabs a torch and starts yelling for her dragons again. Waaaaaaaaaaaaallllttttt!
The sun has risen on Arya Stark and her fellow travelers -- Robert Baratheon's bastard son and the fat kid who has thus far eluded stabbing, but it's coming, it's coming -- as they make their escape from their prison. Suddenly Jaqen H'ghar appears on a cliff above them and watches their procession. Arya goes to speak to him alone. She immediately starts pestering him with a thousand questions that he ignores. He tells her that if she wants to learn how to kill people Ghost Dog-style she has to come with him across the Narrow Sea and learn to be a Faceless Man. Then she can kill everyone she wants to take down -- Cersei, Joffrey, The Hound, etc. Arya wants to go with him, but she cannot abandon her search for her mother and brother. Oh yeah, and Sansa too. The way she says it reminds me of the way Disney's White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland would sigh and add "...and the King," whenever he mentioned the Queen of Hearts. Jaqen nods and says that they must part ways, but before he goes he gives her a coin of great value. If she gives that coin to a man of Brazos and utters a phrase, help will come. He makes her practice the phrase a few times and then turns to leave. She begs Jaqen to stay and he smiles at her as he tells her that Jaqen is dead. He turns for a moment, does something weird to his face, and when he turns around he is someone else entirely. He bids her farewell and walks off.
Back at Winterfell, Osha leads Bran, Hodor and Rickon out from their hiding place. The castle has been sacked. Bodies litter the courtyard, fires are burning, the dire wolves whine in their shed. They scour the building for Maester Luwin and eventually find him in the sacred grove, propped up against a tree and staring at the pool. He puts on a brave face for the two young boys. He tells them he feels fine, but it's clear he's just joshing. He reminds the boys that while Winterfell burns, they are still alive, and they have each other. They don't want to leave him, and he sweetly tells them that he doesn't want to go. He pulled both of them into the world and has seen them almost every day since then. He can't bear to leave them, but the band of hoodlums and bandits may return and the boys must flee to the Wall. Jon Snow will look after them there. He sends them away with Hodor while Osha stays to help ease his passage into the world. She offers him milk of the poppy, but for some reason he prefers to leave the world with a little of the stabby stab. She obliges as we watch the boys flee to the North. [Note: Anyone else notice that when Hodor took Rickon's hand, instead of the usual, "Come along," he sweetly said, "Hodor"? Hodorable!]
Daenerys wanders around the House of the Undying looking for her wee baby dragons opening doors and looking for clues. One door leads into a vast room filled with pillars. It's snowing and the ground is white. At the top of a dais sits something that could be the Iron Throne. It's hard to tell. She reaches for it, but doesn't touch it, because she knows she can buy a replica on eBay.
She hears the screeching of her dragons and wanders through an archway into a vast snow-filled land that looks like Mance Rayder's kingdom in the North. Then she spies a tent. She walks toward it, and when she enters she finds Khal Drogo holding a baby, waiting for her. Daenerys thinks she's dead and has entered the Night Lands. Drogo laughs that maybe he told the Great Stallion to go fuck himself and refused to go to the Night Lands without her. Daenerys goes to sit with her husband and child. Khal Drogo tells her that if this is a dream, he will kill anyone who tries to wake him. Daenerys looks at the baby, realizes it looks nothing like her, and gets up to go. She knows it's some seriously dark magic at work.
When she leaves the tent in tears, she finds her dragons chained on a pedestal in a small tower room. As soon as she enters, Pyat Pree, the creepy bald cryptkeeper dude that she stabbed, shows up. Then another of him appears. He tells her that she is home now. With her dragons. They missed their mother. Chains appear and pull her arms tight. She is trapped. She looks at her dragons, they look at her and she utters, "Drakkaris!" The baldie looks at her in confusion because why is she talking to her dragons about shitty cologne? Then the dragons start spitting fire. He succumbs to the flames very quickly, which isn't that surprising. An overdose of Drakkar Noir is always fatal. The chains disintegrate as El Baldo dies. Daenerys and her dragons start whistling "Freedom" by George Michael and no one tries to stop them.
In the snowy North, Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand pick a fight with each other as part of Qhorin's plan to have Jon Snow infiltrate the North. The Wildlings let them battle each other. Qhorin shouts some very rude things about Jon, until Jon Snow kills him. Jon is unhappy, but the plan worked. He proved himself to be a traitor to both the Night's Watch and the people south of the Wall. As they prepare to burn Qhorin's body because "you wouldn't want that one coming back," they cut Jon's hands loose. Ygritte takes his hand and leads him to a cliff overlooking a valley where a large town lies. She tells him that it's time to meet Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.
Back in Qarth, Daenerys wakes the self-proclaimed King of Qarth with a little dragon wake up call. She finds him peacefully sleeping with Daenerys' hand maid and cuts the cut to the vault from his neck. They wake, and the hand maid begs for mercy because Xaro Xhoan Daxos told her that Daenerys would never leave Qarth alive. She's pissed, and goes to liberate his treasure from its vault. She opens it and finds... nothing. She blinks a few times and then turns to the King and thanks him for nothing. She locks him and the hand maiden in the vault and loots everything of value from his house. Most of it is probably fake, but she'll buy her boat with his gold one way or another.
Back in the North, three of the rangers are wandering in the snowy landscape when a horn sounds. It sounds once and they think a ranger has returned. It sounds a second time and they know trouble is upon them. Then it blasts a third time and they turn to run and run fast. A sudden snow comes upon them, and as two of them make haste back to the Wall, Samwell Tarly being chubby and uncoordinated trips. His friends and fellow rangers don't stop. He yells after them and when they keep running, he scurries into a hiding place behind a rock. It's not a very good hiding place and soon enough a wilding on horseback finds him. It's a scarily mummified warrior in white emaciated skin with startling blue eyes. Sam has the good sense to look away and the wildling leaves him letting out an unholy shriek and pointing his spear at the wall. The camera pulls back and back and back revealing a horde of wildlings, all dead, all frightening, all heading south.
Melissa Locker A.K.A. Lulu Bates is available for parties on Twitter @woolyknickers
Get the scoop on Season 3 from author George R.R. Martin and the actresses who play Daenerys, Catelyn and Sansa Stark from our friends at Wetpaint.