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Stannis Baratheon attacks King's Landing! That's the entire storyline this episode. We don't go to the Wall, we don't go to Qarth, we don't check in on Arya or Theon or anyone. If you're not in King's Landing or attacking it, you don't get to be in this episode.
The overall attack is stopped, thanks to Tyrion's boat full of wildfire and a timely speech that comes right after Joffrey abandons the defense of the city. Even so, Stannis is about to win when Tywin Lannister rides in and saves the day. Cersei was about two seconds from poisoning Tommen, so it's a good thing she spent a long time telling a story about lion cubs.
During the battle, the Hound has a flashback to the time his face got burned and decides to give up the whole deal. He walks out on the battle, which is probably a good idea. Out in Stannis's fleet, Davos and his son aren't so lucky, since they're on the boat closest to the giant explosion. I mean, they might have survived, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!According to the pre-show content advisory screen, there will be both graphic violence and nudity tonight. That's officially a warning, but it's really the sort of thing you'd put in all your advertising if you could. In fact, the graphic violence is the big selling point for tonight's episode. So let's get graphic!
The opening credits do not contain any graphic violence, so they're already disappointing. Not even any non-graphic violence, in fact. They do contain King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, the Wall and Qarth. But really the only place we're going to is King's Landing. I was kind of hoping the credits would just stay in the one location the whole time, but I guess they'd need to make a special animation that takes five times as long to show the city.
A boat sails through the night. Well, it's technically sailing through water, but what I mean is that it's nighttime. And there are several more boats behind it. Sailors do all sorts of sailor-y things while men in armor sit and wait. One man stands up and vomits into a barrel and he's not the first one. We know that because the barrel overflows, which seems like exactly the sort of thing you don't want happening in front of you when you're seasick. Davos and his son Matthos stand on deck and discuss the situation. The tide's against them, but they have the wind, which will send them straight to the gate. Matthos thinks Davos is going home, but he hasn't lived at King's Landing in years. He's historically avoided the Royal Fleet so he finds it odd to be sailing directly toward them. Matthos points out that, technically, they're the Royal Fleet since (by their lights) Stannis is king. Stannis says there's more than one Royal Fleet at the moment. Matthos is confident that the battle will go well and that Stannis will sit on the Iron Throne with Davos as his Hand. I guess it's possible. He also wants to put Joffrey's head on a pike, which I can't say I'm opposed to. Although Joffrey hasn't really done much to Stannis aside from have the wrong father. I guess when you want to be king you're kind of obliged to kill the current king just as a matter of principle. If Joffrey were smart, he could wait until Stannis got within head-chopping range, and then claim that he's a victim of his evil mother and never wanted to be king. But I guess Joffrey's not one to sit around planning elaborate ways he could surrender safely.
Back on the boat, Matthos gives us some exposition: Stannis's fleet outnumbers Joffrey's ten to one and his army outnumbers Joffrey's five to one. Davos is more cautious, reminding him that the walls of King's Landing have never been breached. Enough talk! Let's get to some graphic violence already! We get it. Davos's kid has faith in the Lord of Light and in Stannis and in all that stuff.
Inside King's Landing, Tyrion is in bed with Shae. What a good idea! She asks if he's afraid. He says that he is, because if King's Landing falls Stannis will kill every Lannister he can find. Shae claims she'll protect him, which seems optimistic. He gives her a chance to leave and she chooses instead to straddle him. She reminds him of that time he asked her to make love to him like it was his last day on this Earth. For some reason, I find it jarring that she calls it "this Earth," but I'd probably also be distracted if she called it "this Westeros" or whatever. English is full of words with real-world origins, so I should probably get over it.
Elsewhere (but still in King's Landing) Grand Maester Pycelle is meeting with Cersei. He wisely calls her "Your Grace" because you don't get to be a Grand Maester by being stupid. Or so I assume. I don't actually know how one progresses from Maester to Grand Maester. He's telling Cersei that in his view, a Maester is supposed to give counsel in time of war. Cersei starts to assure him that his words are always wise and measured, but he cuts her off to get back to his speech. That's not so wise and measured. She makes him get to the point. He gives her a vial of Essence of Nightshade, which sounds dangerous. One drop in a glass of wine, he says, will soothe ragged nerves. Three drops will bring on a deep sleep. He starts to tell her what ten drops will do and she interrupts him saying, "I know what ten drops will bring." Yeah, I bet she does. Pycelle would like to ask a follow-up question, but Cersei won't allow it. Then she suggests that he go give his wise counsel to the brave boys who will be fighting. He still hasn't realizes he's dismissed, so he keeps starting new sentences. But Cersei is very good at being both clear and threatening: "Be careful on the stairs, Grand Maester. There are so many." That's the Westeros way of telling someone not to let the door hit them in the ass on the way out. He finally leaves Cersei with her poison. She looks out the window, either wistfully or like someone waiting for the director to say "Cut."
In a dark, torch-lit room soldiers are singing some kind of... I'm going to call it a song. Bronn is leading them, so we're still in King's Landing. Once it's done, one of them asks Bronn where he learned the Lannister song. The families all have songs, too? Man. My family doesn't have a sigil or words or a song. We do have a spice, though. It's basil. I bet the Lannisters don't have a signature spice. Anyway, Bronn learned the song from "Drunk Lannisters" which gets a big laugh. There are a number of attractive young ladies in the room with them. I will not be unkind and just assume they're whores. The one on Bronn's lap thinks his broken nose is cute, so he tells her about the time his mother broke it with an iron poker when he was five. But it's okay, because she was trying to hit his brother. He undresses his young lady and gets distracted from his tales of nose-breaking. She says, "Poor nose" and gives it a little kiss. Bronn answers, "Don't feel sorry for him. He'll be halfway up your ass before the night's through." This scene is adequately fulfilling the promise of nudity. All the soldiers are really enjoying Bronn's banter. He seems like a lot of fun.
Just then! The Hound enters in the company of another goon. They wordlessly walk through the merriment and claim a table just by glaring at it. As the occupants scurry away, Bronn shouts, "Welcome, friends!" and offers to buy a round. The Hound just glares. Bronn shrugs. Their eyes meet across the room. The Hound asks if Bronn thinks he's a "hard man." Bronn says he is, although he's making a joke about the naked young lady on his lap. Bronn says it's warm and they have good brown ale and attractive young ladies, but the Hound just wants to put one of them in the ground. The Hound objects to Bronn enjoying himself fucking and drinking and singing. "Killing's the thing you love. You're just like me. Only smaller." The Hound stands up and looms ominously. Bronn suggests that he's also quicker. The Hound says that Tyrion will miss Bronn, except he calls him "Your Lord Imp" instead of Tyrion. Bronn shrugs and gets up, hiding a knife behind his back. This requires the attractive young lady to find a new place to sit, because she's been on Bronn's lap the whole time making sure that she's visibly topless the whole time. She was so naked that you'd think there was exposition going on.
But just then! Some bells ring, presumably meaning that the city is under attack! I realize that's two paragraphs in a row that I started with "Just then!" but that happens sometimes. Everyone but Bronn and the Hound runs off to fight. Bronn asks, "One more drink before the war? Shall we?" The Hound kind of quarter-smiles and turns away. I take a break to listen to "Drink Before the War" a song by Sinead O'Connor off The Lion and the Cobra, which was her album right before I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got made her a mega-celebrity. It's a really good song!
Varys. He says the bells ring for horrors like dead kings and sieges. Tyrion says they also ring for weddings, but he and Varys are in general agreement that weddings belong with the other two things. Tyrion is being buckled into a Tyrion-sized suit of armor by a boy that Varys thinks is named Podrick. Tyrion says that Varys knows the name of every boy in King's Landing. When Varys asks him to explain this comment, Tyrion says that his suggestion was perfectly clear. Varys asks if Tyrion trusts his squire and Tyrion says he does. So Varys brings over a map. There are fifty miles of tunnels underneath the city, because the Targaryens built the city to withstand a siege. And, Varys points out, they also built it so it could be escaped. Tyrion says he's not going to escape. Varys is politely skeptical. He's also got the news that Stannis has "taken up" with a red priestess from Asshai. Tyrion doesn't care, but Varys reminds him of the old powers. Tyrion doesn't buy any of that. Varys guesses that Tyrion trusts only what he's seen. Varys tells him that he (Varys) has seen things. The implication is that Varys has seen dark powers in action.
Somehow, this leads Varys to say, "I don't believe I've ever told you how I was cut." Did you forget he was a eunuch? He's a eunuch. And he's got an enthralling story about it. But he's not going to tell it right now. Tyrion meets the eyes of Podrick, because some things you just have to shrug at somebody about. Varys says the dark arts have given Stannis his armies and he can think of nothing worse than a man like that on the Iron Throne. And tonight, he believes that Tyrion is the only man who can stop him. Podrick hands Tyrion an axe. Tyrion should be good with an axe. After all, it's the traditional Dwarven weapon. I am equal parts proud and ashamed of that joke. That's a lie -- it's almost all pride.
Back out to the boats and they're close enough to hear the bells. Matthos says they're welcoming in the new king, but Davos says bells never mean surrender. Davos says they can counter with their own music. Start the drums! And sure enough, all the boats have cool war drums. We see Stannis briefly, but he's just looking out to sea. It's very picturesque.
Tyrion is going over the final preparations with Bronn. Well he's trying, but the problem is that they've already gone over them, so Bronn knows the plans and Tyrion is just getting on his nerves. Bronn asks if Tyrion knows how to use the axe and the answer is that Tyrion once chopped some wood. Well, he watched Jaime do it. Bronn says he saw Tyrion kill a man with a shield, so he should be unstoppable with an axe. That's the spirit! They shake hands. Bronn suggests that Tyrion not get killed. Tyrion is unexpectedly touched and answers, "Nor you, my friend." Then they both realize they're friends, so they quickly make jokes to defuse the situation. Tyrion talks about how he pays Bronn money and how Bronn has an unexpectedly good vocabulary. Bronn says he's been spending time with "fancy folks" and throws in a bow that's only a little sarcastic. I like how they've brought Bronn out a bit in this episode. The story from his point of view is pretty straightforward: he defended Tyrion in the Eyrie and then got hired by him. Since then, he's killed who he's been told to kill. Simple!
Tyrion now sees Sansa in the company of her handmaiden Shae. Because he is clever, he calls Shae "Sheila" to make it look like he can't remember her name. Tyrion asks if Sansa shouldn't be with the other highborn ladies in Maegor's Holdfast. That was indeed Cersei's plan, but Joffrey has requested that Sansa come see him off. Well that does sound appropriate, actually. So here comes Joffrey, accompanied by the Hound and a squad of hand-picked fighting men. Joffrey calls Sansa over and on her way she tells Tyrion that she'll pray for his safe return. She clarifies, "Just as a I pray for the king's" so that Tyrion doesn't get any ideas. Tyrion is left alone with Shae and they tell each other to stay safe. Tyrion goes off to wherever he's going and Podrick runs after him, carrying his shield and axe. I guess that's Podrick's basic job.
Joffrey tells Sansa that her king is riding off to battle and that she should kiss him. He takes out his sword and tells her that it's is name Hearteater. He makes her kiss the blade, which is pretty weird. With a hilariously inappropriate swagger, he tells her, "You'll kiss it again when I return. And taste my uncle's blood." Seriously, the facial expression when he says that is the most punchable his face has ever gotten. Sansa asks if he'll kill Stannis himself. He will... if Stannis gets anywhere near him. "So you'll be outside the gate, fighting in the vanguard?" Joffrey has an ingenious way out of this interrogation: "The king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls!" Sansa agrees that she's stupid. Of course he'll be in the vanguard. After all, she says, Robb is always in the vanguard and he's only a pretender. Joffrey says she'll get to lick Robb's blood off Hearteater too. It's a shame the Hound is so tall, because I imagine there are some impressive eye-rolls going on just above the top of the screen. Exit Joffrey. Shae tells Sansa that some of his entourage won't come back. Sansa says Joffrey will. She's figured out what sort of world she's in, at least to the extent that she no longer thinks good things will ever happen to her.
The streets of King's Landing are a mess. People are running around without a plan and there's a horse running amok. Amok, I tell you! And Joffrey has to get through them. He does not throw a fit, which makes me sad. They just walk through to wherever they're going. I like Joffrey more when he's being horrible, but I guess this shot was just to show the citizenry in disarray.
Tyrion is at the wall (the one in King's Landing, not The Wall) looking through the crenellations at Stannis's fleet, which sounds very close. Joffrey and Lancel (Lancel Lannister, the one who served Robert Baratheon the wine that got him drunk when he died and also the one currently serving as Cersei's bedroom entertainment) show up behind Tyrion and ask where the Lannister fleet is. Tyrion says they're on the way. Joffrey throws the fit I was hoping for and demands to know why their fleet isn't there already. Tyrion doesn't answer, so Joffrey directs the Hound to tell the Hand that the King has asked him a question. The Hound does not quite sigh as he says, "The king has asked you a question." Tyrion tells Lancel to tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is busy. Lancel actually starts to do it, because he's an idiot. Joffrey moves to Phase 2: threats. If he tells the Hound to cut Tyrion in half, he'll do it. Tyrion says he would become "The Quarterman" but does not otherwise seem worried. Then he tells Joffrey that if he's dead, he can't give the signal to start the plan. There's a plan! Someone grabs a torch, which comes dangerously close to the Hound's face. He doesn't like fire because his face got all burned up, which you'd know if you'd memorize every single thing that gets said on this show the way you're supposed to. Anyway, Tyrion goes on to explain that this plan is the only thing between Stannis and Joffrey's "pinched little head." And he doesn't mind the idea of Joffrey's head on a pike, but he doesn't want his own head removed either. Tyrion's staring out at the water. Joffrey doesn't answer.
Davos doesn't trust this. Where are their ships? See, it wasn't a stupid question after all. It seemed like it was when Joffrey said it, but if Davos wants to know, there must be some merit in it. Matthos says it's wise to attack at night, because they're taking King's Landing by surprise. Davos thinks it's impossible to take Varys by surprise. Matthos suggests that maybe the Lannister sailors have mutinied. Davos doesn't buy it. He's not as pessimistic as Sansa, but he certainly doesn't think everything's going to magically work out either.
Cersei walks into a room filled with women. This would be Maegor's Holdfast, then. Sansa is talking to Shae about how she doesn't even know why Cersei wanted her kept safe. Cersei thinks she's stupid! Shae suggests that maybe Cersei just hates Sansa a little bit less than she hates everyone else. Sansa doubts that. Shae suggests that it might be jealousy. Does Sansa have enough vanity left to buy that?
Cersei calls Sansa over for some uncomfortable conversation. After establishing that her "red flower is still blooming" Cersei draws a parallel to the men bleeding out there and Sansa bleeding in here. Cersei makes Sansa drink some wine. Sansa asks why Ser Ilyn (the ugly-looking galoot) is there. He's the last line of defense. There are guards outside, but they'll sneak away when things get bad. A man comes up and reports that some servants were caught trying to steal stuff and run away. Cersei wants Ser Ilyn to put their heads on pikes. She gives Sansa a useful tip for a future queen: you want the smallfolk to fear you more than they fear the enemy. Sansa asks how Ser Ilyn chopping off a maid's head protects them and Cersei explains that traitors are a danger to them all. I see. Cersei gets more wine and I think she's had plenty already.
Everyone stands on the wall. Joffrey is the first to see Stannis's fleet come out of the fog. Tyrion gives the order for archers to get to their marks. There are, in fact, a lot of archers. They nock their arrows. Tyrion has the archers hold fast, which sends Joffrey into a frenzy of Joffrey-ing. He wants to attack now now now! Then Joffrey sees that there's only one ship. Where are the rest of them? I'm surprised Joffrey knows nothing about the defense plans, since just last episode he was walking the wall with Tyrion and Varys. I guess he was preoccupied by what to name his sword. You just know he's got a scroll with a bunch of ridiculous rejected names.
At about that time, Matthos also sees that there's only one ship. So the ship that Joffrey saw is a single ship that's between Stannis's fleet and King's Landing? Davos has his own archers get ready. And they point a giant spear at the boat. Davos's archers are also told to hold. Man, I bet archers get tired of having to pull their bow and just hold it like that forever. Davos sees that there's no one on board this ship. Ahhh! Ghosts!
Back to the wall. People are shouting about having more rocks coming up. The crazy old alchemist -- looking even crazier -- brings up a torch and hands it to Tyrion. Joffrey and the Hound back up.
The empty ship floats past Davos's ship. The archers all continue to point at it. As it goes past, Davos sees that it's leaking some kind of green fluid. He recognizes it as wildfire and starts shouting at everyone to steer clear of it. There's a lot of green floating on top of the water. Tyrion throws the torch into the air.
That's the signal, apparently. Down on the ground outside the city, Bronn dips the tip of an arrow into some fire. Then he shoots. The flaming arrow flies very far through the air over a few boats and hits the green pool dead center. Davos yells for Matthos to get down. But I don't think it would help, because there's a huge green explosion that basically wrecks their entire ship. Kaboom! Davos goes flying and the boat gets reduced to splinters. Even on the wall, Joffrey can't look straight at it. The Hound doesn't flinch. The green fire appears to have taken out many, many ships. Men run around on fire on the ships that didn't outright explode. There's some regular non-green fire from where the wood of the ships touched the wildfire. Tyrion looks around to get reactions. The Hound doesn't have much of an expression, but I think he's impressed. Joffrey is delighted! As he should be, because the giant green fireball looks amazing from the castle. It's like he has the best seat for Fantasmic! ever!
Stannis Baratheon stands up on his boat and looks at the flaming wreckage all around him. He tells his men to prepare to land. His theory is that the wildfire was the defenders' only trick. His nearest soldier tries to talk him out of landing on the grounds that they're too far from the gate and there are all these archers up on the wall. And also all this fire. He asks how many men will die. Stannis shrugs that the death toll will probably be in the thousands. He doesn't seem bothered by this. Then he shouts, "Come with me and take this city!" It's on.
Maegor's Holdfast. There's a juggler. Sansa is praying with a few other girls. Cersei is still drinking and wants to talk to Sansa again. Sansa has to explain that she was praying and Cersei makes fun of her for being so perfect. And what was Sansa praying for? For the gods to take mercy on them. All of them. Even Cersei, apparently. How about Joffrey? Sansa starts her standard speech about how much she loves Joffrey and Cersei tells her to shut up. Then she tells her a story about how she prayed to the gods to bring her mother back and Tywin told her the gods don't have mercy. Tywin believes in the gods, but he doesn't like them. Cersei makes Sansa drink some wine. "I should have been born a man. I'd rather face a thousand swords than be shut up inside with this flock of frightened hens." Sansa points out that Cersei told all the ladies where to go and Cersei explains that it was expected of her. The whole point is that if King's Landing survives, the ladies will go back to their men (or, as Cersei puts it, "the hens will return to their cocks") and talk about how Cersei's bravery inspired them. If the city falls, Cersei plans to go to the wall and personally surrender to Stannis, although she doesn't think she has much of a chance of seducing him. She reminds Sansa that tears aren't a woman's only weapon. "The best one's between your legs. Learn how to use it." I think Cersei is being very helpful, although I can see how Sansa might hate every second of this. But honestly, these are helpful tips for a potential queen.
Cersei asks if Sansa knows what happens when a city is sacked. The answer includes the phrase "a bit of a rape." And Sansa is now lucky to have her "red flower" because it means less chance of a bastard. Cersei's fun when she's drunk!
Stannis's longboats get rowed toward the land. Tyrion says that Stannis is a serious man. Joffrey starts to panic when he realizes they're coming ashore. "There's too many!" he squeals. Tyrion tells someone to rain fire on them. Then he tells the Hound to form a welcome party for any Baratheon troops that reach solid ground. The Hound goes off to do just that. Isn't he supposed to wait for orders from Joffrey? Tyrion tells Podrick to go to King's Gate and bring any men guarding it to them.
The Hound walks down the steps and rounds up his men. And also Lancel Lannister, who may have been hoping to avoid active duty. The Hound also takes a moment to threaten an archer, because he doesn't want any flaming arrows coming near him. So it's now that archer's job to keep the arrows away from the Hound or he'll get strangled by his own guts.
The archers on the wall light their arrows and pull their bows. Stannis's men land and swarm up the beach. The arrows rain down on them again and again. There are a lot of men storming the beach. Many of them are hit by arrows. Some of them, including Stannis, reach the base of the wall. A man on top of the wall throws a heavy stone down that appears to completely destroy the head of the guy to Stannis. Another rock fails to kill Stannis, because he has the sense to hold his shield over his head. He sends men to the Mud Gate. This is because they had to land farther from the gate than they wanted to. That's about all the geography we're going to get in this episode, so I hope you enjoyed it.
The Hound and his men swarm out of the gate. The Hound announces, "Any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his fucking corpse!" If you're keeping track, that's the second corpse-raping reference in this series. The first one was when Yoren was yelling at the Night's Watch recruits. But I thought he was kidding! I guess in this world, their version of Edgar Allan Poe stories replace "getting buried alive" with "corpses getting raped." "The Cask of Amontillado" would be a very different experience.
Fighting! Swords! Axes! Shields! Shouting! Lancel gets an arrow in his shoulder before he actually kills anyone and decides to say fuck this and go back inside. I mean, he does still have a giant arrow actually sticking through his shoulder. I'm not saying I'd be out there getting killed, but all Lancel actually got done was that he fenced with one guy for awhile before the Hound killed his enemy for him.
Cersei is reminiscing at Sansa. She and Jaime looked the same when they were kids, but Jaime got to learn to kill and she had to learn to smile. See, if she were in Lancel's place she'd be out there killing people. She describes the process of marrying Robert Baratheon as being sold to some stranger like a horse, to be ridden whenever he wanted. Sansa still has some of her old naïveté, because she protests that Cersei was queen. Queen! Cersei points out that Sansa will be Joffrey's queen and there's an undertone of "...and see how you like that." Sansa seems to accept that maybe there's more to a perfect fairy-tale ending than just being queen.
Then Cersei notices Shae as someone she doesn't know. She walks over and tells Shae she's pretty. Shae performs a terrible curtsy. Cersei asks how long she's been in Sansa's service. The answer is "a few weeks." Cersei asks when Shae left Lorath, which she knows about because she recognized the accent. She had a Lorathi handmaiden herself once, but that was a noblewoman's daughter. Shae's not one of them, because she can't curtsy. Cersei continues to probe, asking when Shae came to Westeros. The answer is "ten years ago" and now Cersei wonders how someone could go from being a Lorathi commoner to working at the Red Keep in ten years without learning how to curtsy. She asks Shae to tell them a story. The story starts with "When I was 13," but before she can get any farther, something happens! Good thing for Shae, because Cersei wasn't believing a word she said.
Lancel (with a hurt shoulder, but at least he took the arrow out) bursts into the room to tell Cersei the news of the battle! The river is on fire! Hundreds of ships are burning! Maybe more! The fleet is destroyed, but the troops are outside the city walls. I guess he was roughly correct, but I don't think there were that many ships burning. Cersei wants to know where Joffrey is and when she learns that he's on the battlements with Tyrion, she wants him brought back inside at once. And by "him" I obviously mean Joffrey. She doesn't care where Tyrion is. Lancel protests that the king's presence is important for morale, but Cersei wants Joffrey taken to his chambers at once. And no, Lancel, she doesn't want him brought in this room with all the women and children. She only wants to emasculate him a little. Lancel runs away. Again Cersei sits down, has some more wine and tells Sansa that Ser Ilyn isn't really there for protection. His job is to kill the highborn ladies if it looks like they're about to be raped. He glowers at the camera. Well, he's probably glowering at Sansa, but the camera gets in the way. This guy's got a great glower.
More fighting! The Hound is absolutely slaughtering people. Someone on fire runs at him, shouting and waving an axe. And the Hound is unable to move! I guess he's having flashbacks to his burn. But before the guy on fire can get there, he takes an arrow to the forehead and falls down dead. It was Bronn, of course. The Hound looks up at him and I think Bronn smirks a little. Then he kills two more people with a knife, just to show off. The Hound looks around and his field of vision appears to be filled with fire. He staggers back inside the gate and all his men follow. The gate gets closed. Way to go, dummy.
Stannis has his men put up ladders and they start climbing up to the battlements, which is another word for crenellations. I used "crenellations" earlier because I think it's a better word, but Cersei called them battlements. I don't want there to be any confusion about whether they're at the battlements or the crenellations. Stannis climbs up there and Joffrey is running around. The Hound is dazed and has someone bring him a drink. The first drink is water, which is obviously not what he wants. He gets wine , which is more what he was looking for. He takes several drinks and walks away. But he goes past Tyrion, who asks if he would like some iced milk and raspberries. Savage burn! The Hound tells him to eat shit and Tyrion says he's on the wrong side of the wall. The Hound explains that he lost half his men and the Blackwater's on fire, which he appears to consider a valid reason for retreat. Joffrey shouts that he commands him to go back out there and fight. The Hound thinks about it. Tyrion tells him that he's Kingsguard and he must beat them back or they'll take the city. The Hound takes a drink and answers, "Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck the city. Fuck the king." He walks away. I can see where he's coming from. It's probably not all that fun to be awesome at fighting and have to spend all your time letting Joffrey tell you what to do.
Joffrey doesn't see it that way. He looks positively bereft.
Boats continue to get rowed up to the beach. Arrows continue to rain down on them. There's a battering ram with a bull's head on it. Some enterprising fellows have taken their boat out of the water and turned it upside down so they have some protection while they run up the beach. It sounds like a good idea, but it's probably pretty difficult to flip one of those boats over while people are trying to kill you. But this one is designed to do that to protect the people on the battering ram. The ram -- oh! It's not a bull's head, it's a ram! Of course! It's a visual pun! -- comes up to the gate. Rocks fall down on people climbing the ladders.
Lancel (favoring his shoulder) runs up to Joffrey and says that the queen has sent him to bring Joffrey back to the Red Keep. Man, lay off Joffrey. He's having a hard enough time without this going on. Tyrion asks Joffrey, "If you won't defend your own city, why should they?" Joffrey is torn and actually asks Tyrion for advice. Tyrion tells him to lead. He should get down there and lead his people in their defense against the invaders. Joffrey asks if his mother had urgent business. This is obviously where Lancel is supposed to make something up to give Joffrey a good excuse for leaving, but Lancel is a literal-minded simpleton so he says no. Joffrey leaves anyway and a lot of people watch him do it. Tyrion is not impressed, even though Joffrey does leave a couple knights with him. I think Joffrey probably would have stayed if Lancel hadn't showed up to tell him to retreat.
Some of Stannis's men (and Stannis) are on top of the wall, which results in some rocks falling inside the city. We see the people of King's Landing asking where the king is and who leads them. Podrick runs up to Tyrion.
Tyrion announces, "I'll lead the attack!" The people are unimpressed. He takes his helmet from Podrick and has one of Joffrey's knights unfurl the King's banner. He shouts "Men!" a few times, but the crowd is dispersing and giving up. "They say I'm half a man. But what does that make the lot of you?" A voice from the crowd says that the only way out is the gate, which is where the enemy is. Well, that can't be true, can it? Surely there are other gates. There's the King's Gate, for one. Podrick just removed all the guards from it, so you guys could probably escape if you really wanted to. Tyrion says there's another way out that he can show them. And then? "Come out behind them and fuck them in their asses!" The noise of the battering ram gets louder. "Don't fight for your king. And don't fight for his kingdoms. Don't fight for honor. Don't fight for glory. Don't fight for riches because you won't get any. This is your city Stannis means to sack. This is your gate he's ramming. If he gets in, it will be your houses he burns. Your gold he steals. Your women he will rape." The battering ram continues. The gate cracks. "Those are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them!" Wild cheering. Everyone's in. Tyrion walks down among them and they all follow. It was a good speech and very in the tone of this show.
Cersei and Tommen. Lancel tells them that all is lost. When the Gold Cloaks saw the king leaving, they gave up. Cersei wants to know where her son is. Lancel tries to tell her he wants to bring Joffrey back to the battle. So she punches him in his arrow-wounded shoulder and he falls in agony. Awesome. Cersei leaves with Tommen. Sansa takes command and tells all the highborn ladies that they're in the safest place and that Joffrey's not hurt. "He's fighting bravely," she claims. She elaborates about how his men are rallying behind him. Then she leads them in a hymn. As soon as the hymn catches on, Shae grabs Sansa from behind and tells her to get the hell out of there. She should run to her chamber and bar her door. Well since Cersei just left, I have to say that leaving sounds like the right thing to do. Cersei may be the devil, but she's got a good grasp of tactics. Shae thinks Stannis won't hurt Sansa (possibly true!) while Ser Ilyn (glower, glower) definitely will. Shae won't go with her because she needs to say goodbye to someone. And she's got a dagger in her sock, so she won't get raped. Sansa runs out. Shae glares at Ser Ilyn, who glowers at her. It's possible he's only got the one expression. Maybe he's trying to smile and is always disappointed when people think he's mad at them.
Sansa goes to her chamber and bars the door. There are screams outside. Sansa picks up a doll and starts to have a touching breakdown. But then! It turns out the Hound is in her chamber! Man, how do you not notice that guy? I know she's distracted, but come on! He says he's going to go someplace that isn't burning. .And the king? "He can die just fine on his own." The Hound drinks some wine and I imagine Sansa's getting tired of talking to people who drink all the time. He offers to take her to Winterfell. "I'll keep you safe. Do you want to go home?" She actually declines. She thinks she'll be safe. Stannis won't hurt her. The Hound tells her that Stannis is a killer, as are the Lannisters -- her late father, and her brother. Her sons will be killers. "The world is built by killers. So you'd better get used to looking at them." She tells him he won't hurt her. She looks him in the eye and says that. "No, little bird, I won't hurt you," he says. Then he turns around, unbars the door and leaves. She lets the doll she's holding enter the shot in a very artistic visual moment. I guess the message is that she's leaving childhood behind? Or something? She's still holding the doll, though, so I don't think that's it.
Armed men break a lock and exit a tunnel. Stannis's men are still battering away at the gate. Someone is shouting at them to hurry up, but Tyrion comes up behind him and CHOPS HIS LEG OFF! Get 'em, Tyrion! Tyrion now tells everyone to attack and there's more carnage and blood everywhere. They roll the battering ram over and the fight's over pretty quickly. They start chanting, "Halfman! Halfman! Halfman!" Then Tyrion looks out toward the beach and says, "Oh, fuck me." There are lots more of Stannis's men coming. The battle continues! You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you, Tyrion?
More fighting. The armies clash! Stannis is up on the wall and carving his way through the defenders. He cuts the top of one guy's head clean off. Down on the beach, Tyrion dodges a few attacks and loses his axe. His attacker gets taken out, but he's quickly replaced by a larger, scarier attacker. The large, scary attacker swings his sword and now Tyrion has an impressive cut all the way across the center of his face. If he were one inch closer to the attacker, he would have had his head chopped in two. And then! The larger attacker suddenly gets a spear through the head. And who saved him? Podrick, that's who! Good work, Podrick! Tyrion slumps and Podrick runs up to him. Man, Podrick turns out to have been a good squire. Tyrion was right to trust him. If you're only going to trust one person, it's important to pick the right one.
Cersei is on the Iron Throne and she's got as much right to it as anyone, really. She has Tommen on her lap, and she's trying to soothe him. This is difficult, because the sound effects suggest that there's fighting right outside the throne room. She wants to tell him a story about the mother lion and the baby cub that lived in the Kingswood. There were other things in the Kingswood. Evil things. Like stags. Tommen objects that stags aren't evil. "They only eat grass!" he points out. This kid doesn't get symbolism yet. Well, Cersei adds wolves to the list. They're not inherently evil, but at least they're more menacing. I'm with Tommen, though. It's hard to build a good parable out of the innocent lion that was menaced by the evil stag. Outside on the beach, Tyrion is woozy as he watches soldiers ride up on horses and start chopping off heads. The riders have a banner with a lion on it. Cersei's story involves the lion cub learning that all the animals will bow to him. Even the squids, I guess, although it's not clear how a cephalopod bows. The camera points at the door to the throne room as she continues "They will all come to you, little lion, to rest a crown on your head." Cersei unstoppers her nightshade. Tyrion closes his eyes and fades. The soldiers on horseback are chopping off heads left and right while Cersei's story continues as a voiceover. She concludes with, "I will keep you safe my love. I promise you." She's got the bottle to Tommen's lips when the doors burst open. It's Loras Tyrell and some soldiers! Wait, Loras?
From the wall, Stannis sees his men run away. He's furious at them. Two of his men are up on the wall with him and they pull him away from his attack. Man, that's got to be disappointing. Down in the throne room, the soldiers behind Loras part. It's Tywin Lannister! Cersei is pleased to see her father and drops the bottle of nightshade. He announces, "The battle is over. We have won." Cersei hugs Tommen. I imagine the thing that happens is Tywin asking where Joffrey is so he can punch him in the face.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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